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Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 2 - Chapter 2.1




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Chapter 2 Adachi’s Q


Would it be weird for me to go out with Shimamura on Christmas? The finals were rapidly closing in, yet that was all I could think about. Propping up my chin with my hand, I restlessly moved my feet around, trying to keep them warm because the air conditioner sure wasn't. Eventually, I gave up on the pretence of studying, closed the reference book I'd barely even opened, and rolled onto my bed. 
I turned to my side and was immediately dazzled; the ceiling lights were far brighter than I had anticipated. The bulbs had just been changed, and as such, were still extremely powerful. I turned over again, this time towards the window, and rubbed my cheek. It felt a bit dry. I'd been in my room for a while now, which was probably why. The air conditioner certainly didn't help either. Honestly, it seemed pretty tempting to just fall asleep. 
It was the first Tuesday of December, and the final exams for the second term were going to be starting at the beginning of the next week. Combine that with the cold weather, and it was easy to see why this was the part of the year when our expressions were at their sternest. And before anyone asks, no, you couldn't just skip the exam. Speaking of winter, the second floor of the gym had been getting pretty chilly as well lately. Particularly the floor; it was so cold now that stepping on it barefoot caused me to instantly jump up. It came as no surprise that my feet rarely took me there these days. Yeah, the gym was Shimamura's and my hiding place from spring to autumn. The question was, where should we go now that it was winter? 
Those thoughts led me to worry about Christmas. While there were certainly all sorts of holidays and festivals and what have you, as for those where it was acceptable or common for girls to get together and have a grand old time, not so many. To be precise, it wasn't the "having a grand old time" part that was the problem. No, simply getting together made you look weird. Shimamura and I obviously didn't have our own special date or anything like that. For making one of those, I had to admit it, Christmas did seem like the best choice. There was something slightly off about New Year's, and making a big deal about giving her chocolate as a friend on Valentine's Day seemed a little strange as well. Could I even do that in the first place, give Shimamura chocolate? It wasn't difficult for me to imagine myself getting all self-conscious and just forcing the box into her hands, leading into an awkward silence between us. I also felt bad pre-emptively for making her go buy me a box of her own, because knowing Shimamura, there was no way that she would've prepared one beforehand. I'd tell her that it was fine, that she didn't have to, but she'd go anyway. That's just how she was. 
As there was no stop to the headaches surrounding Valentine's Day, I decided to leave it all behind and instead imagine us meeting on Christmas and going out together. It didn't take long for me to realise that I had no idea what that would entail, however; it was always super cold on Christmas, and as the winter break meant that there was no school, I barely went outside. Were there a lot of girls having fun together? Very few? I simply didn't know. I had to fill in the blanks—from the townscape to our frosty breaths—using my imagination. When I was feeling weak, those sorts of thoughts caused me to get depressed, like I was weird for having them. On the contrary, when my mind was free of worries, I found them completely normal. That was to say, I was unable to find a good balance, and instead, continued bouncing back and forth between the two extremes. This struggle was quite exhausting, honestly, and quite frequently manifested itself as a migraine. For these past few days, I'd been trying my hardest to decide whether or not I should ask her. 
Another night spent with this endless conflict raging in my head. Lying down was, strangely enough, really starting to irritate me, and I returned to the chair. I opened up the closed reference book and randomly flipped through the pages, barely even looking at them. This book didn't have the answers I was looking for. Even if it did, I probably wouldn't have wanted to follow them. 
"...Am I just being too self-conscious?" I wondered out loud. I'd been thinking about this way too much, and by the end, I was left feeling like I was unable to get down a tree that I'd climbed up myself. It wasn't really as difficult as I was making it out to be, and if I just casually asked her, I'd get an answer. So simple... At least I hoped so. 
Going out with her during a holiday itself wasn't the problem. No, what made it troublesome was that I was asking her specifically on Christmas. 
The essential question was this: Would Shimamura think that I was weird, or simply nod her head? 
Focusing my attention on that question, I found myself worried, unable to decide what I should do. 
I went ahead and wrote "Shimamura" in the corner of the book. As always, I was reminded of the store. Come to think of it, what was her first name again? Shimamura was definitely a person without much of a presence, to the point that she often joked about how she came close to forgetting it herself all the time. She didn't have any friends who called her by her first name, huh? 
In that case, what if I started doing it, just me? Perhaps that was the kind of special relationship I was looking for. At the same time, though, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't imagine myself calling her anything other than "Shimamura". I just felt like I'd be a whole other person if our relationship ever grew that deep. 
Shimamura is Shimamura, I agreed in my head as I stared at the name I'd written out. 
That didn't last for long, however; staring at it caused me to face just how conscious I was of her. I got really embarrassed and quickly erased the name. Or tried to do so, at least. No matter how hard I rubbed the eraser against the paper, I couldn't make the text disappear completely. Had I used too much strength while writing? It was kinda similar to when I closed my eyes, fell asleep, and woke up, only to find that the image of her from the previous day was still fresh in my mind. 



If Shimamura were to start making requests to me, what would be the point where I'd no longer say "yes"? 
For example, what if she asked me to hold her bag? ...No, that wasn't the kind of question I was thinking of. Something more akin to "Give me a hug". In that case, yeah, I probably would. What about going shopping with her? I'd be delighted. Joining her for an afternoon nap? ...No, this wasn't it either. These were all things I wanted her to ask me, not something that she'd actually ever say. I was in class, yet Shimamura had once again found her way into my mind. I likely thought about her more than she did herself. That didn't mean that I understood her, however, because I certainly didn't. It was kinda like how walking around a lake didn't mean that you knew how cold the water was, or what sort of creatures lived in it. 
This was how attempting to socialize usually went for me. I'd overthink things and find myself stuck, unable to move forward. Then, incapable of doing anything, I'd watch the whole thing crash and burn in front of my eyes. 
I was well aware that both my parents thought of me as a child who they weren't able to understand. Though it had never been my intention to hide whether I was happy or not, for whatever reason, it didn't seem that those two were able to tell. A lapse in communication, maybe? I honestly had no idea. I'd even tried mimicking those around me, but to no avail. Perhaps we just weren't compatible with each other, me and my family? 
As it turned out, blood wasn't much of a link. Mine at least was merely a liquid, unable to maintain its shape, and thus incapable of tying people together. It was no wonder that I had grown distant from my family. 
That wasn't the case with Shimamura, however. No, not at all. I'm a little embarrassed to say, but with her, I found myself worrying that I was too easy to read. And yet, she didn't seem to take any notice. The only reason I could think of was that she really didn't mind. On one hand, I found it relieving, but on the other, it just led to more worries. 
Our relationship wasn't equal. Not in the slightest. No matter how you looked at it, it was clear that I was the far more conscientious one. 
For example, whereas I regularly called her, Shimamura always stuck to text messages. I felt like this really showed off our personalities, our attitudes. I didn't like the periods of blank time that came with messaging, when you were waiting for the other person to write their reply. They irritated me, made me nervous. Talking to someone over the phone was just so much easier. 
Well, I obviously couldn't call her in the middle of class. Yes, I was in the classroom, and so was Shimamura. We sat relatively close to each other, but not close enough to talk. No, we were limited to fleeting glances. 
Not that our eyes even met all that often. I was a little surprised how diligently Shimamura was attending the class. What did that make me then? Propping up my head with my hand, I cast my eyes downwards and sighed. 
With those sorts of thoughts running through my mind, the class came to an end. At this point, I'd completely given up on passing the exam. 


School had already ended when I at last moved. I hadn't talked with Shimamura today, not even during the lunch break. We hadn't had an opportunity to do so yesterday either, meaning that it had now been two days in row that I hadn't heard her voice. I felt like my ears were going to start crying... Well, hopefully not; just imagining a strange fluid gushing out from my ears was pretty disgusting. 
I stuffed the unopened textbooks into my bag and got up out of my seat. As usual, it took just a slight bit of courage to go where Shimamura was. While I might not have had anything to be ashamed of, there was still something about walking up to her somewhere people could see us that made me feel reluctant to do so. Was my excessive self-consciousness the reason why? 
In mere seconds, I'd blown through a whole day's worth of saved-up courage. Any attempts to create a worthwhile stockpile of it would be completely futile as long as I kept doing this. Still, even if the fact that I needed to do so in the first place was a bit problematic, at least this was a healthy use of my courage. That, I was convinced of. 
As I approached Shimamura's seat, I could see Hino and Nagafuji walking up to her as well. Seeing them caused me to take an instinctive step backwards, resulting in me not being able to be the first one to talk to her. 
"It's finally winter. Now I can wear a muffler without looking like a weirdo!" Hino stated. 
"What are you even talking about?" Shimamura asked back, tilting her head. I couldn't remember Hino ever wearing a muffler. 
The ones who did were Shimamura and I. Just as many strange remarks as always, I see. 
"Have you been studying for the exam, Shimako?" 
"What about you, Hino? And everyone else." 
"Hahaha. Do you even need to ask them?" 
For some unknown reason, she was looking really proud of herself with her arms folded. Also, why wouldn't she need to ask us? 
"By the way, what are 'grades'?" 
"Half of the time, I don't know if you're joking or not", Shimamura replied to Nagafuji's question, clearly amazed. 
"Hmm..." she muttered back ambiguously, the expression on her face giving the appearance that she was deep in thought. No kidding; you really couldn't tell whether she was joking or serious. Not too long after, she took off her glasses and wiped her eyes. 
"So, you needed something from me?" 
"Nope, not really. Is that a bad thing?" Hino asked, still acting all self-important. Shimamura placed her bag on the desk and looked up to her. 
"Hmm, I wonder." 
"Definitely", Nagafuji nodded instantly, having clearly not given it even a second of thought. Shimamura gave her a forced smile but avoided making eye contact, almost as if there was still something that bugged her. She did seem like the kind of person who didn't talk to others unless she needed something. Was that perhaps the reason why? 
"Well then, let's come up with something. Oh, I know, I could say goodbye to you before you leave school. You did that in elementary school?" 
"Yeah, I did. The teacher would say goodbye, then all the students." 
Shimamura's eyes grew narrow as she looked back on her days in elementary school. She even waved her hand slightly. 
Hino waved back at her before turning towards me. She took a step forward and stared at my face real close. 
"Yo, Ada Chi-Chi. Have you been studying?" 
Once again, a new nickname. I bet she came up with them on the spot. 
"Hmm, I guess." 
"Oh, really? How diligent", Shimamura stated while stuffing her books into her bag, clearly surprised. Apparently, she'd thought that I'd given up from the start and hadn't been doing anything. Figured. 
"Good, good. Maybe I should follow your example." 
"Yeah, why aren't you studying?" 
Hino jumped up and lightly tapped Nagafuji's head. As the height difference between the two was vast, it was only thanks to the latter bending her knees in response that she was able to do so. 
How strange. Anyway, from the looks of it, the two appeared to be just about to leave. 
It seemed like they really hadn't wanted anything from Shimamura. I sighed in relief. 
"Alright. Nagafuji, do you mind if I come over?" 
"I feel like I see you every day near the kotatsu." 
"That's just your imagination. I-mag-i-na-tion." 
"Hmm, I still kinda feel that way." 
"D-o-n'-t. No more, right?" 
"Nope. So, in other words, what I saw was..." 
Continuing their ridiculous conversation, the two left the classroom. While my relationship with them was still by no means deep, at this point, I could more or less grasp their personalities. Hino was just as sociable as she looked, and as for Nagafuji, well, let's just say that you shouldn't trust her intellectual appearance. 
Still, those two sure did get along, huh? I'd only ever seen them together. It was kinda like how most of the time Shimamura was the only person I was with, except much more frequent. Plus, Shimamura did hang out with other people. Sometimes, when I thought about that fact, I could feel my throat narrowing, like there was something stuck in there. 
The two left, and Shimamura's gaze turned towards me. 
"Now, what do you wan—No, sorry." 
She scratched her forehead, taking back her words. The earlier exchange seemed to have put her slightly on the edge. She grabbed her bag and stood up. 
"What's wrong? Ah, there I go again. Hmm, I wonder how I should greet people in situations like these..." 
Rewrapping her muffler around her neck, Shimamura knitted her eyebrows. Was something troubling her? 
"Any ideas, Adachi?" 
"Don't ask me." 
From what I could gather, the problem here seemed to be that she didn't think it was proper to simply ask "what's wrong?" when someone walked up to you. 
Personally, I didn't mind that. Rather, I felt relieved when I didn't need to be the one to start the conversation. 
"Let's just leave that question for the next time. Now, what was it, Adachi?" 
It seemed that that matter had been put on a shelf. At last, we were getting to the main topic. 
...Still, I wonder, why did I always start to hesitate when it came time to ask her? 
The answer was simple: I was scared that she would say no. Yeah, that was probably it. I hated the idea of her thinking negatively of me. 
"I was thinking, why don't we study for the exams together?" 
"Huh? Study?" 
Judging by Shimamura's expression, that wasn't what she had been expecting me to say. While it was true that I was a delinquent who barely went to class, in a weird way, that turned out to be the greatest impetus for studying before an exam. In other words, there was no way that I could invite her to have fun. 
"When did you become a grade-A student, Adachi?" 
"Oh, come on. Everyone studies before an exam. It's completely normal." 
"I wonder, is it due to my influence?" 
While the innocent grin on her face showed that she'd meant that statement as a joke, she was actually spot on. I wouldn't have been in the classroom had I not met her. Not today, and not any other day. 
I wanted to thank her, but feeling that it would cause her to look at me weird, I decided against it. 
"Well, in that case, you should have also asked Hino and Nagafuji." 
"Huh?" 
"They might not look like it, but those two get better grades than we ever will." 
Shimamura's eyes turned towards the classroom's entrance as she said that. I got the feeling that if I wasn't careful, she'd run after them. 
The reason I didn't want them to join us was simple: I wanted to be alone with Shimamura. A part of me wanted to say that to her directly, but thankfully, I managed to stop myself in time. My eyes jumping from place to place, I looked for an alternative excuse. 
"Those two are super diligent students. If their grades really are that good, then studying with them... umm... isn't going to help us in any way." 
"Oh, you think I'm an idiot, Adachi? Is that what you're saying?" 
"Huh?" 
Shimamura suddenly pointed her finger at me in a really childish way. It kinda made me laugh. 
"Considering that my grades are the same as yours, I'd say that's just the right amount of stupid." 
"Huh? No, that's not what I—" 
Wait, was I being inadvertently treated like an idiot? 
"Still, you are completely right. Alright, let's study together." 
Before I had a chance to think about it for longer than a second, that question was wiped out of relevancy by Shimamura's reply. 
I could feel something simmering near the back of my neck. Bubbles of hope, perhaps? 
"Where should we do it? There's a library pretty close by. Oh, I guess we have one of those in school too, huh?" 
No, that isn't it. In my mind, I rejected Shimamura's suggestion. 
Somewhere people couldn't see us, somewhere we could be alone. That was what I wanted. 
"Why don't we go over to your place?" 
"Huh? It's so dusty there." 
She didn't sound all that enthusiastic about it. Also, "dusty"? I wasn't sure about that. 
I found myself physically uncomfortable as I thought about the time I'd been there, how I had run away with my face bright red. While Shimamura didn't seem to have thought much about it, looking at it objectively, it had been ultra suspicious. I could only thank my luck that I hadn't been hit by a car or something on my way back home. 
"What about your place?" 
"Mine?" 
I'd been just about to use some reasonable argument to turn down her suggestion, like how I lived really far away and felt bad about making her walk back home, when I remembered that I still had the bottle I'd brought back with me from the park. If she were to realize that it was the same one from back then, I'd once again have to rush out, this time from my own home. Obviously, there was no way that I could let that happen. 
"Well, that's kinda... You know." 
"Oh, I just realised, it might be a little awkward for me as well", she muttered before turning away, sounding like she'd just realised something. I let out a short, questioning grunt, but she ignored it. 
"I guess we can go to my place. But, I warn you, it really is dusty there", she repeated. Strange. Her home hadn't seemed all that old to me. 
I exited the classroom alongside her. It wasn't something that we had done all that many times, and as such, I still wasn't quite used to it. We had just passed through the door and entered the corridor when I felt a sensation in my shoulders, almost like I was being stopped in place by a thin, invisible membrane. I could only assume that feeling was caused by my excessively self-conscious reaction to what was happening. To put it simply, I was nervous. 
Though I hadn't done so on purpose, I'd ended up on Shimamura's left side. That was to say, on the opposite side of her right hand in which she held her bag. 
I glanced at her hand, and saw it swaying leisurely from side to side. Her other hand was empty, and for a second, mine reached for it. I quickly pulled it back, however. 
I took a look around. We were in school, in the hallway. Our classmates were everywhere. 
Shimamura might have been who she was, but even she'd turn me down if I tried doing it here. Probably shake her hand free or something. 
I had to force myself to look at it from her perspective. 
Shimamura wasn't kind. No, there was something else to it. Something slightly different. 
Yeah, there was no way that we could walk hand in hand. I straightened by back and began walking, forcing myself to move on. 


With Shimamura behind me, I pedalled over to her house. The sun had started setting earlier day by day, and it was now completely dim outside, as if the whole world was being lit by a single, forlorn garden lantern. It really seemed like it would be pitch-black by the time I went home. Speaking of which, how long was I going to stay for? What would be a "normal" amount of time? 
I hadn't been to a friend's house once after entering high school, and as such, such things were completely beyond me. 
It was common for these sorts of matters to grow into problems between us two, Shimamura and I. 
Even I knew what it meant to be "normal friends". I didn't want us to be normal, however, but rather, "special friends". What sort of a baseline would that set? I didn't have the faintest clue. Unable to see my feet, I'd mistake carelessness for courage and step forward, accidentally getting too close. 
The result of that would be me working myself up for no particular reason, ultimately ending in a "whadashaa". 
The fact that I knew this and still wasn't able to do anything about it was pretty serious. Almost like an illness. 
"Whoa! She's home." 
A stern frown formed on Shimamura's face as she peered through the gap between their house and the garage next to it. I peeked from behind her, and saw an orange-framed bike parked there. This seemed to be the bike her mother rode. I remembered hearing Shimamura talk about how that was the reason why she walked to school. 
"I'm home!" she said as she knocked on the door. A little while later, I heard footsteps approaching on the other side. The lock turned, the door opened, and a person appeared. That person was Shimamura's mom. 
Her hair was slightly wet, and her skin red. Had she taken a bath? 
"Welcome bac—Oh! A friend? Oh! The house." 
Shimamura's mom was astonished not once but twice, and back-to-back at that. The first time I could understand, but the second? I was a little confused. Was it that her daughter had brought a friend to their house? Either way, Shimamura silently walked past her and took her shoes off. From the look on her face, I could tell that she was displeased. 
"We're going to be studying. Please don't bother us." 
"Adachi, was it?" her mom asked me, pretty much ignoring her daughter. I nodded slightly and placed my shoes next to Shimamura's. Her expression grew more sullen by the second, and for a moment, I found myself staring at it. Quite the rare sight. She hardly ever showed these sorts of negative emotions on her face. 
Most likely, it was reserved for when she was dealing with her family. Yeah. Even with Shimamura, there was just something special about family. Must be nice. Both for her family to have someone like her, and for her to have a family like hers. 
"Come on, just go already." 
"Hmph. I thought you were past your rebellious phase." 
Feeling slightly ignored with Shimamura talking to her mom, I looked around. 
Deeper in, I saw Shimamura's little sister poking her head out from one of the rooms. She was looking our way. Our eyes met, and she instantly withdrew. Based on what Shimamura had told me, she was supposed to be a real mischief maker, though she didn't really seem that way. Rather, it looked like she was the type that was scared of new people. Come to think of it, that was how I acted too when meeting relatives, wasn't it? 
Was her little sister also called "Shimamura" by her friends at school? I wonder. 
"Hey, let's go. Shoo, shoo." 
Shooing off her mom with her hands, Shimamura climbed up the stairs on the left side of the hallway. I followed after her, and—Wait, what? Wasn't her room supposed to be on the first floor? I stopped and tilted my head, but as Shimamura beckoned me forward, I decided to leave worrying about it for later. We reached the top of the slightly steep stairs, after which I was guided through a narrow hallway to a room at the end of it. It didn't take a second after we entered for me to notice just how dry the air was. The particles of dust dancing in the air also caught my attention. Shimamura had entered the room before me, and while coughing lightly, she pulled the cord that turned the lights on. They flickered twice, after which the room was filled with light. 
What emerged from the darkness was a random assortment of furniture and worn-out cardboard boxes. There were also some leather chairs in the corner of the room, though they were torn all over and clearly missing a few screws. A dusty curtain hung in front of the window, blocking the sun and making the room far colder than the hallway. It was easy to tell that this was a storeroom that had been hastily turned into a personal room by adding a kotatsu and a fan. Likewise, the reason why this had been done was also easy deduce: to allow Shimamura to study till late at night. 
"Told you it would be dusty." 
Shimamura tossed her bag on the floor and flipped the kotatsu on. Instantaneously, I could hear the heat source inside it become active. I watched her crawl under it before sitting opposite of her. 
"Should I bring a cushion for you to sit on?" 
"No, it's fine." 
The carpetless floor definitely felt cold against my feet, but as I didn't want to bother her, I simply waved off her offer. 
There was a blue coat—a hanten—folded next to the kotatsu. As I picked it up, Shimamura's eyes turned towards me. 
"Gotta have one of those. While the kotatsu might warm your legs, it doesn't do anything for your back." 
"I see." 
"Anyway, I'm gonna rest till I've gotten warm", she said before lying down and slipping deeper under the kotatsu. Was it really okay to lie down with her school uniform on? I placed my bag on a pillow next to me and stared at her. What should I do here? I didn't really feel like flipping open the textbook by myself, but at the same time, the kotatsu was way too small for the both of us to lie under. Even now, our feet were almost touching. 
Still, wasn't this room exactly what I'd wanted? The dusty air, the cramped size that made it seem like a hidden room, the random boxes and pieces of furniture lying everywhere, the silence, it was all perfect. The kotatsu hadn't yet warmed up, and still shivering under it, I found myself thinking about how nice it would be if I could turn this into our "winter hideout", so to speak. 
"Adachi. Are you the type of person who listens to music when they study?" Shimamura asked me, not bothering to lift her head. I thought about it for a while before answering. 
"Yeah, I usually do." 
It wasn't something that I had ever thought about, but looking back to it, I did seem to do that often. Take yesterday for example; I'd been studying to the sound of music. Well, more accurately, I'd opened the textbook and then spent the next 30 minutes stressing about Christmas, only stopping when my head started to hurt. Regardless. With barely any change in her expression, Shimamura gave my answer a small nod. 
"I see. Well, I guess that makes sense. It's pretty common, after all." 
"Is it really? I'm not sure." 
"Hmm..." 
Her reactions were growing more disinterested with each one. As it tended to happen with us, we were quickly sinking into the ocean of silence. 
However, today, I decided to try holding out, just a little bit. 
"What sort of child were you, Shimamura?" I asked, casually changing the topic into one I'd been thinking about since yesterday. As we normally didn't have anything to talk about, I'd decided to come up with some. 
"Hmm, let's see... Normal, I guess? Not all that much different compared to how I am right now, I don't think." 
She spoke quite quickly, implying that this hadn't been a difficult question for her. I tried imagining what she'd look like if she was herself, but smaller. 
Small Shimamura. 
I got as far as imagining myself leading her by the hand before realising that my version didn't match reality at all. If anything, it was the complete opposite. 
"I never took part in any of the activities during sports day. I was also never the class representative or anything like that. I was part of the school lunch committee, but I kinda feel like that's the only thing I did. Also... Or is that enough? Basically, a really bland kid." 
Even though it was herself she was talking about, it kinda sounded like she was a describing a classmate that she'd never interacted with. 
"I think my hair was also shorter back then. And obviously not dyed", she stated while gripping her bangs. In other words, the same as her little sister's? I kinda wanted to see her with short, black hair now. 
"What about you, Adachi?" 
I didn't get the feeling that she actually cared. It was more like she was compelled to ask me since I'd asked her. 
"Pretty much the same as I'm now, I think." 
I decided to play it safe and gave the same answer she had. As I did, Shimamura closed her eyes before opening her mouth. 
"Same as now? So, you had the teacher hold your hand?" 
There was a slightly mean-spirited smirk on her face as she said that. 
It seemed that after all that had happened between us, this was what she'd begun seeing me as. 
"That's not what I'm like, though." 
"Really? What are you like then?" 
"Hmm, let me think..." 
I'm not some baby who constantly needs attention. That's what I had wanted to say, but the moment the words were about to leave my mouth, I was filled with so much embarrassment that I had to stop myself. Furthermore, looking back to it, I was forced to accept that she might actually have been right. After all, I had held her hand, I had made her pat my head. There was no explaining those away. 
"The type that... chooses their company well, I guess." 
It only took seconds for me to realise that saying that was basically the same as admitting that I only wanted her to pat my head, that hers was the only hand I wanted to hold. It was kinda like... confessing. No, no. 
No! 
"Hmm... Why me then?" 
She spoke softly, almost as if lost in thought. Her voice sounded so muffled, clogged up. 
Why? That was simple: Because she was Shimamura. 
I'd once heard someone say that "love is a reason in and of itself". I'd also seen it written in a book. Likewise, it was the first thing that came to mind as the explanation here. I found it impossible to lift up my hung head. If I were to give her that as an answer, it would be the same as straight-up admitting that I was in love with her. 
I continued groaning to myself as I attempted to make sense of the thoughts rushing through my head. The fact that Shimamura hadn't spoken a word since only made it worse. Even disregarding the possibility of her changing the topic, having her say anything would be less painful than this silence continuing. I took a deep breath before lifting my head, praying in my mind that this would cause her to speak. What I was greeted by, however, was an expression of complete tranquillity on Shimamura's face. Wait a second. Her eyes were closed, and I could also hear her snoring softly. I took a closer look. 
...She was sleeping. 
Had her voice sounded so quiet earlier only because she'd been sleepy? 
I crawled out from under the kotatsu. Careful not to make a sound, I approached her and, for now, kneeled next to her. Why? Or rather, what did I mean by "for now"? Timidly, I took a look at her. Her usual, sociable smile was gone, replaced by the defenceless expression of someone who was asleep. Simply looking at it I could feel myself growing more and more restless. Not only did my eyes jump around awkwardly, my cheeks felt like they were on fire as well. I didn't often get to see her in such a vulnerable state. It was as if the walls she had built around her to shield her from other people had turned transparent, and I was now peering through them. This really felt like something I shouldn't have been doing. At the same time, I found it impossible to take my eyes off her. 
"..." 
So, what next? I'd come here to study, so maybe I should go back to doing that? No, let's just drop the act already. That had never been my true intention. Anyway, as I stared at her, I began to realise what an incredible opportunity this was. Opportunity to do what? Play a prank on her? Before I knew it, my eyes had moved to her lips. I don't know if it was the dryness of winter or what, but they were slightly chapped. I started to touch them, but almost instantly stopped my hand. 
I leaned forward, just a little bit. There was no one here. Shimamura was asleep. This hit all the checkboxes of the imagined scenario in which I might try kissing her. My eyes were spinning. 
My mind grew increasingly hazy, and my head hurt real bad. 
No, no. No! I slammed my fist against my head, telling it to calm down. 
There was no guarantee that she would stay asleep for the next 24 hours. It would only take her waking up while I was kissing her for it all to be over. Besides, it wasn't like I wanted to kiss her no matter what. If Shimamura herself was asking me to do it, then it would mean a lot, but not so much if she wasn't. 
There was a world of difference between wanting to kiss someone, and being asked for a kiss. 
What I wanted was the latter. How the kiss came to happen, it mattered a lot. 
While I was busy trying to think through this all, Shimamura woke up. Her half-open eyes turned towards me. 
Was she confused as to why I was now sitting next to her? My body grew stiff, and a moment later... 
"Mmhh..." 
Shimamura gripped my knees. She then dragged her body to me. With my heart pumping like crazy, unable to understand what was happening, her head landed on my thighs. She adjusted her position before once again closing her eyes. 


"I like these. So much softer", she whispered. It seemed that she'd been looking for a pillow. 
"I see", I replied, mumbling despite my best attempts to act calm. My cheeks were practically burning, as if the heating element inside the kotatsu had been pressed directly against them. 
"A-Are you feeling tired?" 
"Hmm... I'm not sleeping... I'm wide awake..." 
It sounded like she had to force each individual word out of her mouth. Still, she wasn't lying; her eyes were open. 
"Aren't you cold?" she asked. 
"No, not at all! I'm fine." 
"Oh, right. Wanna wear the hanten?" 
Still lying down, Shimamura reached for the hanten and held it up. Since it would've been rude to decline her offer—plus I was actually feeling cold—I thanked her and put it on. It was already slightly difficult to move my body with my uniform on, and with an additional layer on top of it, it would be doubly so. Anyhow, I hadn't even gotten the jacket halfway on when I started feeling droplets of sweat dripping down my skin. Was the hanten that effective? 
Well, not really. It was cold sweat, most likely caused by anxiety. 
"Shimamura, umm, how do you usually spend Christmas?" 
My voice cracked slightly in the middle of my question. Either way, I had managed to nonchalantly change the topic of conversation to Christmas. 
The expression on Shimamura's face remained just as sleepy as before as she turned her head. Her cheeks rubbed against my skin, causing them to swell up slightly. She waited for them to return to normal before answering my question. 
"We usually get chicken for dinner. Oh, and we eat cake too. No candles, though." 
"Hmm... That seems common." 
I obviously didn't know the statistics or anything. I just had a feeling. Fried chicken from either MOS Burger or KFC, depending on the family. Rarely did you get a chance to eat turkey. 
"My little sister still gets Christmas presents. She also believes in Santa." 
"Santa, huh?" 
Something about that felt awfully nostalgic. Still, did you really need to believe in him to get presents? 
"How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa, Shimamura?" 
"I never did", she answered bluntly. "Old men who are that kind-hearted just don't exist." 
What a Shimamura-esque way of thinking about it. Tolerant, but at the same time, lacking kindness. 
By the way, weren't we meant to be studying for the exam? What ever happened to that? 
"What about you, Adachi?" 
"I honestly thought it was something my preschool teachers came up with." 
"Huh? Why?" 
"They were the only adults I ever heard talking about Santa." 
He simply wasn't a thing in my family. My mom had once, just once, asked me what I wanted for Christmas, but since I remained silent, unable to decide, the topic didn't come up the following year. 
That really sucked. There were so many things that I wanted. 
"Neither of us really did that sort of kid stuff, huh?" 
"I suppose", I stated in agreement with her opinion. I kinda wanted to add that I didn't do it presently either, but decided against it. 
"Still, they do say that childhood is the best time of a person's life. You get to live wild, do dumb things. Probably don't have to worry about stiff shoulders, either", she reminisced, sounding just slightly jealous. Her eyes were once again closed, and there was a faint smile on her face. Her head was still on my lap. It was easy to tell that she found it comfortable. This all combined to give off a certain air of childishness, something that I didn't exactly associate with her. The fact that she was resting her head on my lap was probably the main reason, huh? Either way, most of my nervousness from earlier was gone, and my body temperature had also dropped considerably, from feeling like I had a fever to a suitable level. The touch of her head against my legs felt extremely pleasant, so much so that I didn't miss the warmth of the kotatsu one bit. 
It was like we'd taken those days we'd skipped school, taken the relaxation, and left everything else behind. 
I found myself wishing that this would go on forever. 
"...Let's not." 
My plan had been to change the topic to Christmas, talk about this and that, and then smoothly invite her. 
Not today. The next time. 
Right now, this was all I wanted to do. 
Like a loving mother bird, protecting its young under its wing. 
 





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