Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 3 - Chapter 5

Today's Adachi 

Let's keep going, now and in the future. 
The "now" means that we're already friends and have been like that for a while, meaning that Shimamura thinks that way, meaning that we are going to stay that way, meaning that everything has gone well so far, meaning that... Hehe. Hehehe. Rolled into a ball under my sheets, I continued giggling to myself. There, in the darkness, my arms moved as I thought back to how it had felt touching Shimamura's back. 
Until now, I'd never managed to feel anything when I'd hugged her in a dream, but going forward, that would no longer be the case. I was sure of it. 

Chapter 5 Sakura – When the Prayers Shine -

Did there exist a god in this world? 
Was there anyone out there who heard my silent prayers? 
I had no idea what I was meant to pray to. And yet, I still did it as it was the only thing I could do. 
The week preceding Valentine's Day had been the first and final time I'd watched the fortune telling show. On a whim, I'd thought about once again tuning in tonight, only to discover that the program had been cancelled at the end of March. One less piece of external help for me to rely on. I turned the TV off, returned to bed, and by instinct, sat on my heels with my back straight. 
Each day since the beginning of April, I had spent long periods of time praying to some entity out there. I'd sit on top of my bed, distress and anxiety filling my stomach like clouds of smog, randomly taking glances at the clock above me as time continued to advance. Sometimes, I'd lose focus and my back would start curving, causing my forehead to end up against the mattress, with me in a state where I could almost start groaning out loud. 
Today was different, however. I was meant to be so restless, so hectic. And yet, the hands of the clock simply wouldn't rotate. 
It was the night of the 5th of April. In other words, the end of spring break. Starting from tomorrow, I would be attending school as a second-year student. 
An advancement in grades of course meant a change of classes. That was to say, there was a chance Shimamura and I would no longer be spending our days in the same classroom. 
Words couldn't describe how big of a deal that would be. We'd lose one of the few things that made us special. From the perspective of me, someone whose deepest wish was to become special to her, it was the same as complete and total separation. 
Pick any two school friends, and the chances were, they were in the same class. It was a simple fact. 
Sure, there were exceptions, like people connected through a club for an example, but in general, it held true. 
The sense of closeness that sharing a classroom with someone offered was very important, I felt. While the number of steps it took to reach the other person, as well as the literal walls between you were, of course, a big factor—perhaps even the biggest for all I knew—the significance of the resulting mental distance couldn't be understated either. The further away you got from someone, the weaker the relationship between you grew. Doubly so for me, considering that I couldn't even get along with my family, and I lived in the same building as them. 
It was precisely because I knew all of this that I chose to fuss over it. 
"..." 
What would happen? What would happen if we were placed in different classes? 
Knowing Shimamura, I could say with confidence that she would not go out of her way to see me. Likewise, I wouldn't have it in me to be the first one to act, even if I knew that realistically, she wasn't going to turn me down. I simply didn't think that she had any real need for me. At times, I found myself wondering if she had need for anyone. In any case, I could easily imagine our relationship growing even more one-sided than it already was. I would hit the impasse I was heading towards even sooner than at current rate. 
My prayers regarding the change in seating order following winter break had gone unheard. Please, please let me sit close to her, I'd prayed countless times, only for it to result in nothing. Don't get me wrong, I'd never truly expected asking a deity to actually work. It was more that when I'd looked around and thought about what else I could do, nothing had come to mind. I was neither a teacher nor a god, just a girl. 
A girl who could only pray to the void as she waited for the time to come. 
All this sitting with my back straightened out was starting to hurt, and by instinct, I slouched forward. My forehead eventually came in contact with the mattress, and there, as if prostrating, I closed my eyes. All I could feel in the darkness was the fabric rubbing against my skin. 
"..." 
My mind wandered back to last year's entrance ceremony. 

I couldn't remember why I had chosen to apply for this high school in particular, which I recognized meant that I hadn't had a reason for doing so in the first place. I'd simply accepted the path laid down for me by my test scores, studied just enough to pass the test, and then, a month after graduating middle school, became a high schooler like everyone else. Likewise, all I could remember of the day of the opening ceremony was that the air outside had been slightly warm, as well as that checking the list near the school building's entrance that told which class I had been placed in had been a massive pain due to the flock of people gathered around it. 
Being someone who hated navigating through crowds, I'd kept my distance and waited patiently for there to be less people. That ended up taking quite a long time, however, and as I stood there, my legs growing cold due to the wind passing between them, I half-jokingly thought about just turning around and going home. We didn't have any classes on the first day, plus I couldn't imagine the principal's speech containing anything that I hadn't already heard during the entrance ceremony in middle school. All in all, there wasn't any reason for me to be here. 
I hadn't been the only one maintaining their distance from the flood of first-year students. There had been another girl as well, standing by idly. We were relatively close to one another, and by chance, our eyes happened to meet. 
Looking back to it now, I could recognize that the person had been Shimamura. 
Of course, the me back then hadn't held any interest towards her, and I'd averted my eyes almost immediately. 
I'd even gone as far as to silently wish that she wouldn't look my way. 
Truly, what a waste that had been. If only I had cared even a little bit back then, I likely would have gotten to become friends with her way sooner. And yet, I'd chosen to side step away from her. Dammit... 
The me back then had been a really cold person, not at all like the current me. By the time I checked which class I was in, I was already sick of it. My feet were meant to carry me inside, but as I thought about the entrance ceremony that awaited me, how I'd have to spend even more time constrained, I almost found them changing path and heading towards the bicycle parking area instead. 
That didn't end up happening, however, and I eventually made my way to the classroom like I was supposed to. Even there, I sat by myself without talking to anyone. That lasted until the teacher showed up and ordered us to line up in the hallway. Much to my disdain, the lines were formed alphabetically based on the syllables of our last names, and as mine began with an "A", I was placed in the lead of the girls' line. Back in middle school, I'd happened to have two people named Akada and Aihara in my class, meaning that I never needed to go first, but this time, I wasn't quite so lucky. The fact that I didn't have what it took didn't matter. 
I was told by the teacher to move briskly, to keep the line together. All things that I'd rather not do. 
I decided to instead lie that I needed to use the bathroom and run away. Once I was gone, I never returned. 
Thinking about it now, I feel that the frustration I felt having been made to wait for so long to check which class I was in played a large part in my decision. 
Going against both the wind as well as the flow of people, I walked straight outside to the bicycle parking area, and after making sure that there were no teachers present guiding around new students, pulled out the keys to my bike. I then unlocked it, hopped on, and left school. No one stopped me to question what I was doing. 
It was only after a while that I realised I'd left my bag in the classroom. I decided not go back for it, however. There was no real need to, as I was going there tomorrow anyway. 
The headwind from earlier had flipped into a tailwind and was now pushing me along, and thanks in part to it, I had no trouble making the pedals spin. 
I simply wasn't comfortable with having people around me speak to me. If I had to give a reason why, I'd say that my family's indifference and lack of contact with me was likely a big one. Neither of my parents ever meddled in my affairs. They wouldn't even ask me what I was going to do after high school. Oh, but don't get me wrong. The fault wasn't entirely with them. No, I was well aware that I, too, was to be blamed for the relationship between us turning out the way it had. My logic was that, if I didn't interact with them, they wouldn't start bearing a grudge towards me. They wouldn't think anything about me. 
When people told me to do things and I didn't, it wasn't that I was rebelling against them. Rather, I didn't know how to properly comply. I hated that feeling of being lost, of being unsure what to do, which was why I often chose to run away like I had done just now. Of course, running away was no solution to bewilderment. If anything, it just made it worse. 
Was there something inside my restless chest that I was unable to wash away? I took a deep breath, but it was no use. 
On my way back home, I decided to drop by a nearby park. There wouldn't be anything for me to do at home anyway, and on top of that, I had to admit, I did feel a little guilty skipping school. Combined, those two were enough of a reason for me to choose to kill some time there. 
The area I lived in was one where nothing ever happened. As such, no police patrol routes crossed through it, which meant that an officer wasn't going to walk up to me and guide me home or anything like that. With that worry off my mind, I parked my bike near the entrance, chose the bench that was the least dirty, and sat down. 
There was no one else in the desolate park besides me. That made perfect sense, considering what time it was. With my hands pressed against the bench, I extended my feet and took a look around, scanning both the park as well as the road beyond it with my eyes. For as long as I could remember, the park had been here. What I couldn't remember, however, was me ever playing here. 
What had I done when I'd been little? And where? 
Those sorts of questions, where to go, what to do, were things that I'd never had good answers for. I just... didn't want to do anything in particular. My parents had once brought me to a zoo when I had been a child, and thinking back to it, I felt like that was where it had all begun. 
In the zoo's store, there had been a stuffed animal that had caught my eye. I'd stared at it, and though I would have liked to have it, I simply wasn't able to bring myself to ask my parents to buy it for me. Why? Because I had been scared of them, scared of the way they'd begun walking faster and faster each time I failed to show a positive reaction when viewing an animal. Ultimately, we'd ended up leaving with me still being unable to say that I wanted the toy. I hadn't known it back then, obviously, but deliberately ignoring hope and choosing not to reach out for it would later become the way I lived my life. 
I went on to do it again and again, and eventually, I couldn't even remember how you were meant to go about asking people for things. Simultaneously, my interest towards others began to decline. 
Even the way I viewed myself grew hazy. 
Thinking about it now, I felt that it was better to ignore those sorts of things. 
After all, doing so would likely result in things coming to an end while nothing had yet to begun. 
It'd been the very next day that everyone in my class started treating me like a delinquent. 
I could remember there being a part of me that had loved that. I thought that I'd found where I belonged, a place where no one would talk to me. 

I could hear small birds and crows singing outside of my window as I opened my eyes. 
Turning my head towards the direction of the sounds, I saw rays of light leaking in through the gaps between the closed curtains. It seemed that, at some point, I'd fallen asleep. Strange, I thought to myself. I soon realised something even stranger: It was the morning. 
It genuinely felt like I had closed my eyes, and then, a second later, opened them back up with the time in between having been erased. 
If there was such a thing as a wrong way to sleep, then this was certainly it. 
I found my body pretty much exactly how I had left it, slouched forward with my head resting on top of the bed. The only difference was the pain now radiating from both my hips and my neck. 
Still, it sure was something, to be able to sleep through the night in such a pose. I was quite the tidy sleeper, wasn't I? No, wait... A "tidy" sleeper? Was I sure I didn't mean "untidy"? Regardless. 
Having spent hours pressed against the mattress, my forehead now felt unsteady, as if there was still something heavy on top of it. Likewise, my body creaked as I forced it up, and my brain refused to turn itself back on. Unable to support myself, I ended up collapsing back onto the bed. 
I'd been genuinely worried that I wouldn't be able to get any sleep that night, and on one hand, I felt relieved over how easy it had been for me to fall asleep. On the other hand, though, I felt anxious: I'd ended up wasting the entire morning sleeping. Well, I say that, but it wasn't like there was really anything I could do. The results had already been laid out at school, with no way for me to influence them. 
I had spent the whole night with my hands pressed together, so if praying actually was something that worked, then I suppose there was that. 
"School..." 
I needed to go there. All desire to sleep quickly vanished from my mind, and soon enough, the dimmed world before me cleared out. 
It was as if the part of my brain that was anxious over school was telling me that this was no time to be feeling sleepy. 
I hopped out of bed, and while standing stock still in the centre of my room, went ahead and peered into the past. Well, not really "past", but rather, a year ago. 
"...I know it's hard to judge these things by yourself, but really, it feels like I've changed massively. Like, way too much." 
Comparing the old me—how cool and indifferent I had been—to how I was nowadays, she genuinely felt like a whole different person. Honestly, I was kinda shocked. 
Those days, I'd wished that Shimamura wouldn't look my way, whereas now, I was constantly screaming inside my head for her to do the opposite. 
"..." 
Forced to face that fact, I quickly grew embarrassed. 
What was the cause behind this change? Like I didn't know. It was Shimamura, the answer was always Shimamura. It had all begun when I'd met her. I wonder, did she ever feel cheated, like I was tricking her somehow by acting so different to how I'd first been? 
Sometimes I did things, sometimes things happened to me. The key point was that I was stuck in the flow, carried by it wherever it went. 
That was how I'd lived for years. Surprisingly enough, I hadn't hated it. It wasn't bad at all, living without a starting point and seeing where life took you. 
The current me, however, was far too bumpy, and each time I attempted to do something, a part of me got caught. 
A piece of candy, covered in tiny, blunt spikes. That was the image I associated with myself. I wonder, was that because I saw meeting Shimamura as something sweet? 
"Hmm..." 
The past, or the present. Which one was the true me? 
Just joking. Answering that question didn't require any thought; they were both me. 
There only existed a single version of me, the one sitting here right now. She'd grown from my past self, and thus, the two were fundamentally connected. 
Never once had I attempted to deny this process through which my transformation had taken place. 
Why would I? After all, I quite liked the way I was right now. 

It was the perfect weather for biking. The sky was clear, the sun shone brightly, and the slight, refreshing gushes of wind made sure that it never got too hot. And yet, despite all of that, I found the pedals of the bike extremely heavy to turn. It might have been April already, but it truly felt like I had still yet to wake up from my winter hibernation. 
I was riding my bike for the first time since the graduation ceremony last month. Thinking back to it, it was kinda shocking how little I had ended up leaving the house during spring break. I hadn't met Shimamura, either. I wonder, would I get to see her today? 
If I did, what sort of face would I greet her with? 
My stomach began hurting as I approached school. Likewise, I could feel the backs of my thighs growing numb and starting to tingle. I was nervous. Way too nervous. What I'd felt when going to check my exam results paled in comparison. 
Was it really that big of a deal? Was I justified in feeling like my hands gripping the handlebar were going to slip off any second now? 
To both of these questions that had spontaneously come to be inside my head I answered with a "yes". As far as I was concerned, the outcome would be decisive. 
"Hnnh..." 
Being filled with determination was no reason for your stomach to hurt. Up until around half-way there, I had been scared of reaching school, but for the remaining half, my sentiment switched to one where I was hoping that I would just get there already. It seemed that I might not have had as much patience as I thought. 
By the time my hands were starting to grow horribly sweaty, I at last found myself before the school's gate. Much like the previous year, a teacher stood by it, telling new students where to leave their bikes. I passed them by and parked my bike like usual. There were way more bikes than normal, which made finding an empty gap quite the ordeal. 
It was only when I'd hopped off and pulled out the key that I realised I had accidentally stopped at the parking space meant for first-year students. Starting from today, I was no longer one of those. For a second, I thought about moving the bike, but ultimately decided that there was something far more important for me to be doing. My fists clenched, I began walking. 
The sakura trees planted within the school premises shook in the wind, their blossoms scattered around by it. They'd already begun showing leaves, and as I walked under them, I could feel my eyes starting to spin and the world around me growing blurry. With each step, I got closer and closer to throwing up. 
I pushed forward nevertheless, and soon, a scene which I could remember seeing before spread out before me. 
The school's entrance, a massive flock of students gathered around it. Everything was the same as last year. Back then, I'd waited a while for most of the people to be gone before acting, but this time, that wouldn't be an option. Bracing myself, as if about to jump into a raging stream, I joined the crowd. I had neither the strength required nor was there room for me to clear a path for myself, which meant that my shoulders would need to be put to work. Using them, I pushed closer to the centre. Though it did hurt, and though my shoulders did feel like there were on the verge of being crushed by those of others, I eventually got far enough to see the list with all the classes written on it. 
First, I looked for my own name. The list was sorted alphabetically, and as mine began with an "A", finding it should take no time, right? My eyes jumped from left to right, and matching their rhythm, so did my heart. Even the muscles in my neck were throbbing, and I felt like I could barely breathe. 
Eventually, my eyes stopped moving, and my face grew pale. Not for the reason you might have thought, however. 
I was now looking at the very bottom of the list. It was like someone had attached a string to my eyelids and yanked them downwards. 
"It's not here." 
My name was nowhere to be found. Neither was Shimamura's. I stared at the list, my eyes wide open. What was going on here? 
I stood there dumbfounded. After a bit of thinking, though, I realised my mistake. 
This was the list for new students. Of course my name's not here, I thought to myself as I turned around. 
I'd already been feeling dizzy, but this, this was the final nail in the coffin. 
Was I truly a second-year student? I was once again forced face to face with that question, and there, all by myself, my cheeks began growing warm. Simply getting out of here was going to be a challenge. I bent my knees slightly and began shoving people out of the way, doing my best to stay out of their line of sight. I eventually made it outside of the crowd, but even there, the world before me still continued to spin. I felt nauseous. 
Trying to recover, I took a look around and saw a similar crowd gathered around the opposite building. That seemed to be the right place. How did I know that? Well, Hino and Nagafuji were there. Having not noticed me, the two headed inside. As they did, I could hear them exchange a few words. 
"Together once again. How many years does this make?" 
"Like, ten, I think?" 
I could judge based on their gleeful tone that they had been placed in the same class. That must have been nice. With envious eyes, I watched them disappear inside the building before once again plunging into the crowd myself. 
As you might have expected, the students here were taller than the first year ones had been, making it feel like I was being buried alive. That wasn't the only difference, though, as I soon realised; I'd need to get closer to the sign to see it than I had previously. Passing by people going the opposite way I pushed myself ever deeper, swimming down the ocean of people while every now and then eating an elbow strike. There was no flow to carry me, and instead, I needed to work hard for every bit of progress I made. 
I had been right in theory last time, and just glancing at the giant list of names attached to the wall—the one that actually contained what I was looking for—I immediately managed to pick out mine. Simple enough. I then began moving my eyes downwards from the top. 
This was it. This was what it all boiled down to. 
My eyes attempted to look away, but I forced them to point straight at the list. Then, slowly, I began turning my head. 
The clatter around me gradually faded away as the sound of my heart throbbing violently took its place. I could feel my blood, thick as jam, flowing beneath my skin. I'd reached peak tension, and the corners of my vision were starting to turn white. 
My skills were certainly not worthy of praise. 
By no means had I done enough to earn my wishes being granted. 
I knew that, no matter how hard I prayed, no one was going to bother listening to me. 
And yet, without hesitating, without looking away, my eyes drew closer and closer to the truth. 
Did there exist a god in this world? 
Was there anyone out there who heard my silent prayers? 
Standing on my toes, I begged. 
I wanted it. 
I wanted to see that name. 

It was the first day of school following a break, meaning there was nothing I could do to stop myself from being late. Nothing at all. Telling myself that, I passed through the school gate and headed towards the crowd of people. I came this close to mistaking the list of classes meant for first-year students for the one I was supposed to be looking at, but thankfully, I did eventually spot the right one and went to have a look. 
"Ooh?" 
A rare sight stopped me in my tracks. 
It was Adachi, her arms high in the air, jumping up and down as sakura petals danced around her.