Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 5 - Chapter 4.1

Chapter 4 – Adachi Revival

I took the remaining sticker and attached it. Tightly, it pressed against the paper, covering the letters underneath. 
I stayed like that for the next few moments, staring at the list of things I wanted to do while immersing myself in the joy of crossing yet another set of items off it. 
This was the very first thing I'd done after returning home. Just in the span of a single day, I'd achieved four whole things. Was this what they meant when they said "turn misfortune into fortune"? Wait, no; had that really been any misfortune? 
It was only through that fight of sorts that I'd been able to change, after all. 
To reform the way I thought, to broaden my horizons, to stop fixating on only Shimamura. 
I'd done it. 
"......" 
There were no problems, none whatsoever. We even had tomorrow ready and planned; by Shimamura's suggestion, we were going to be hanging out with everyone. 
Everyone being Nagafuji and Hino, based on what I'd heard. 
As for where we would be going, well, it seemed that the right to decide that had been given to me. 
Apparently, whatever I chose, the rest would go along with it. 
"Aaaah..." 
It really did feel like I was being treated as an outsider to the group, as someone whose wishes needed to be given extra attention lest they lose their temper. I found my head pressing into my hands simply thinking about that. 
Then again, it wasn't like I could blame them for it. I was well aware of how irritating I was, how much inconvenience I caused them. 
"Oh, but. Right." 
Extending both my body and my arms, I picked the list up from the table. The idea I'd had was to choose a destination which would allow me to attach more stickers to it. I knew it was risky. The thought alone made me so anxious that I already felt like running away. And yet, this was simply too good of an opportunity for me to ignore. I was surprisingly audacious when it came to this sort of stuff, and I had to say, I didn't entirely dislike that part of myself; as I'd recently come to realise, there were many things in life you'd never be able to obtain if you always held back. 
As there used to be very few things out there that I wanted, this fact had been all but irrelevant to the past me. 
But, now, things were different. 
Where to go, where to go. I moved my finger from side to side. While the list itself was quite long, most of the items had been written with only Shimamura in mind, meaning that my options were severely limited knowing that Hino and Nagafuji would be tagging along. In addition, I'd squeezed way too much text on the tiny piece of paper, and now that I looked at it again, it was seriously difficult to make out the individual words. Just went to show how ridiculously excited I had been for the summer break. 
"......" 
I wonder, would I be satisfied by the end of it? Would this be enough for me? 
Wait, no. I shouldn't say that. Not after Shimamura had gone out of her way to pay attention to my needs. 
It was kinda pathetic having her treat me, a girl from her class, the same way she would a child way younger than herself. She was kind, yes, but that kindness was tepid. Immersing myself in this feeling, its temperature so falsely similar to warmth, I soon found my body growing restless. I wanted to jump out. 
I most certainly wasn't feeling comfortable. 
At the same time, it couldn't be denied that having someone act conscious of you was, in itself, a form of kindness. 
The people around me, the world, they were surprisingly kind. I felt bewildered by this realisation, unsure as to how to properly react to it. 
Even so, while I didn't know the right answer, staying where I was, cowering in fear, that couldn't be it, right? No, it couldn't. I needed to go out there and express my affection, convey it out of my own volition. 
What was now imposed on me was something natural to all humans: neighbourly love. 
You were supposed to get along with your friends. 
You were supposed to work to improve your relationship with your parents. 
You were supposed to put value on those around you. 
"That's..." 
That's how it is, I nodded to myself while hugging my knees. 
The things I'd ignored so far had now transformed into powerful waves. I could feel them tossing me from side to side. 
My heart trembled, like walking on the ocean's surface. 
"......" 
I swallowed once, then again. It was my own saliva, yes, but I felt so stagnant I just had to drink something. 
Remaining like I was, I placed my head against the wall and closed my eyes. There, in the darkness, I could hear a sound. 
Not a clear sound, but one very blurry, noisy, like an entwined thread. 
Focusing my ears, I could tell that this wasn't the sound of cicadas singing. Then, a few moments later, I realised it: The sound was coming from inside me. 

"Have lots of fun with Shimamura." 
That was one of the items on my list. Well, more accurately, it had been in the context of holding her hand, but having done that earlier, I'd already gone ahead and attached a sticker on that part of the sentence. As for the remaining half, well, that was what I planned on doing now. 
Having "lots of fun" was something that worked better the more people you had. Well, at least, that's what you'd usually say, right? 
I didn't think so at all, personally. Regardless, the way I'd chosen to approach this situation was to ignore my baseless intuitions in favour of trusting the common wisdom. 
Now then, with that in mind, it was time to come up with a place for us to go to. I immediately crossed the pool off the list; the only effect the cool water would have on us was to calm us down, which was the exact opposite of what I was after. Yes, the shock of seeing Shimamura in a swimsuit had left me completely restless the last time, but that wasn't the point here. 
It wasn't. 
After thinking about it for some more, I ultimately settled on karaoke. I distinctively remembered that being something we'd done before, and since I couldn't really think of any other place we could go to, leveraging my memories seemed like the safest choice. I was like one of those elderly people who insisted on replacing their car with one of the exact same model. Unable to venture forth, unable to make a leap for it. 
I now stood before the station. This was where we'd agreed to meet at, though looking around, the others were nowhere to be seen. That made perfect sense; as was in my nature, I'd wound up arriving way earlier than I was supposed to. I wonder, was that due to me having the most free time out of all of us? I did have a part-time job, yes, but outside of that, I didn't really do much of anything. Working with other people wasn't something I ever spared time to, and as such, when I was forced to do so, I always came off as being... empty. 
It was through the path Shimamura had laid before me that I tried my hardest to fill said emptiness. 
"......." 
I could only hope that I wouldn't accidentally bury myself in the process and end up suffocating. 
"Ah", I suddenly heard a voice speak next to me while I stood there waiting in the shade near the taxi platform. Was this sound aimed at me? That was the impression I got, and as I turned my head around to check, my eyes met with those of a girl I didn't recognize. She wore glasses and had long legs. If I had to guess, I'd say that she was probably a high school student. It didn't seem to me like she was an acquaintance of mine based on her appearance, although judging by the way the girl was staring at me, it might be that we'd met somewhere before. 
This interaction only lasted for a moment, as soon, she turned around and ran inside the station. 
Having turned back myself, I was left to tilt my head in confusion. 
Just who had that girl been? I knew an extremely small number of people, and yet, I couldn't think of anyone who fit. 
Shimamura ended up arriving while I was busy thinking about that. She came riding a bike, possibly due to the distance between her house and the station. In addition, she was also wearing a white hat, one which looked very ladylike. 
It was a little... plain compared to her usual apparel? It didn't match her age? In any case, I was left with this impression that the hat might have been her mother's. 
"Good morning. Hmm, no, it's not really the time for that anymore. Hello", Shimamura greeted me while raising her arm a little, her bike now parked next to me. I had to say, despite doubting it just moments earlier, the hat and the thin ribbon tied around its rim went really well with her soft voice and gentle expression. She appeared much different than she usually did. 
"Ha—Hello." 
My attempt to greet her back in a funny, light-hearted way failed miserably, leaving what came out of my mouth to be something from in-between the two approaches—not exactly serious but not smooth either. 
Really, had a single one of these attempts of mine ever succeeded? 
"The others aren't here yet, huh?" 
"No." 
"Knowing them, they'll probably come late. What do you think, will it be Nagafuji's or Hino's fault?" 
"Who knows", I mumbled in response. My mind had already begun racing as I thought about what we should do next. 
That's the way it went when I was with Shimamura; I always overthought everything in a desperate attempt to be the best version of myself I could possibly be. 
I'd dive way past my depth, and ultimately, end up embarrassing myself by doing something weird. 
You might say that if I already knew all that, then I really should just calm down. You'd be right. I really should do that. The problem was, I wasn't the one in control here. 
No, it was Shimamura who was making me act this way. It was always her. Even now. 
Let's have fun. That's what I wanted to tell her. I really did. And yet, the words refused to come out. I began doubting myself more and more, and soon, didn't know if I should even say anything. 
My mind was filled to the brim with questions that I was unable to ask her. 
Was she inconvenienced by having me around? Was I an annoying person to have to deal with? 
I never managed to bring myself to ask her any of these things, even though I really did want to. I was scared. Scared of what would happen if she said yes, if she called me annoying. 
Well, I guess she already had. And it was because of that I knew I needed to change. 
Those feelings had manifested themselves as me now standing here, waiting for someone else—someone who wasn't Shimamura—to arrive. 
We ended up not having to wait for long; soon enough, the bike carrying the two girls rolled in. It seemed that, between the previous time and now, Nagafuji still hadn't learned to ride one. 
I wonder, would Shimamura be equally willing to attend to my needs were I to show a similar weakness myself? 
Hmm... Glancing at her face, I got the impression that might be tough. Sure, she might do it to a certain extent, but getting on the same level as Hino and Nagafuji, that was probably out of reach. We were still missing some of the prerequisite steps. Whether you wanted to call it love or passion or whatever, I strongly felt like we needed more of that first. 
Those were the most concrete terms I was able to put my feelings in. Vague, I know. It almost felt like I was staring at something buried at the bottom of the ocean, the only visible part of it being its blurry outline. 
"Sorry that we're late. It was mostly Nagafuji's fault." 
"Oh, really?" 
Really, Hino stated over her shoulder, earning a short "Hmm, I guess" from the other girl. 
I instantly found myself charmed by this little interaction. You were able to get a good sense of just how much Nagafuji trusted her friend. 
"So, everyone's dressed up all casual today, huh?" 
Apparently, we were going to be skipping straight past greetings. As for what Hino had said, yeah, that only made sense; we didn't have school today, after all. 
"Weren't we the last time too?" 
"Were we? I definitely remember us wearing school uniforms... Well, who cares. Let's not dwell on it." 
Not good at all, she shook her head. Nagafuji proceeded to do the same shortly after, almost as if mimicking the other girl. 
If I had to guess, I'd say that it was likely her who was confused here. 
"Now then, let's get going." 
Led by Hino—who'd come late, mind you—we began making our way towards the karaoke place. Why was she in the front? Well, that'd be because she was the one who'd picked where we were going; after looking up all the available karaoke places online, I'd ultimately decided to let her make the final choice. Hino basically knew the town inside out. Her knowledge was on such a level that, despite having been born here myself, I felt like a total outsider being guided by her. 
The two rode ahead, with Shimamura coming second and me taking the back behind her. 
Unconsciously, I'd placed myself on the edge of the group. That was something that tended to happen. 
If you wanted to view human relationships as a puzzle, I suppose I'd be a piece which didn't fit anywhere. Further going along with this metaphor, it was hardly worth thinking about how such a piece, one chased into a corner, would get treated in the end. 
I had to wonder, would I ever be able to do it, to fit together with someone? 
Still riding behind Shimamura, I went ahead and called out her name. 
There was a questioning look in her eyes as she turned around to face my direction. Hastily, I suggested the following: 
"If it's fine with you, could we sing a duet again?" 
Unlike previously, we'd kinda decided this whole thing on a whim, leaving me with no time to pick a song and memorize the lyrics to it. Even so, there should still be at least a song we both knew how to sing. I ended up having to not wait long for an answer, as immediately, Shimamura nodded her head. 
"Sure." 
Having said that, she gave a quick glance forward to make sure she wasn't about to collide with anything before turning back to me. 
"Still, I wonder, are there any songs we can sing together?" 
"Let's look for one once we get there." 
Was that really the best verb to use there? Where exactly where we going to be looking for a song like that? 
After all, it wasn't like the list at the karaoke place had a special mark or anything of the sort indicating songs that we both knew—that we shared. 
Shimamura responded to my strange remark with a smile. She then turned back, for real this time. 
I could feel myself grow relaxed as I looked at her. 
There was something very calming about that, talking with just the two of us. 
At the same time, I also felt nervous, uneasy. 
Was Shimamura really smiling because of what I'd said? 
Having arrived at the karaoke club located behind the station, we entered the room prepared for us. It was very similar to the one we'd used previously, albeit the lights here were much brighter. So much brighter, in fact, that I got the feeling it'd strain my eyes were we to stay for too long. 
I was able to sit down next to Shimamura without any trouble this time. Not just that, her taking a seat on the edge of the sofa meant that I was the only one doing so. Only I sat next to her. Me. Silently, I celebrated this fact while placing down my bag. 
Looking at it now, it was true that Hino and Nagafuji had waited for us to take our seats first. Had they done that on purpose to be considerate? I couldn't deny the possibility. Hmm... Those two, they were certainly what I'd call good people. I went ahead and thanked them in my mind. 
Having picked up a mic, Hino then began singing without bothering to choose a song first. 
"Alright, I'll start. Ninensee~." 
"Stop that right now", Nagafuji instantly lashed out, prompting the other girl to draw back. Neither of them sounded particularly serious about what they were doing. 
"I'm getting a deja-vu here." 
I agreed completely with Shimamura's assessment. 
"Hmm, I wonder, what should I sing? They don't have any of my go-to hits." 
Her go-to hits? 
"In that case, why don't I lead the vanguard?" 
With those words, Nagafuji stood up and took the mic from Hino. Though she tried to protest and take it back, her complaints were quickly drowned out by the singing of the taller of the two. The song chosen was about making croquettes. Fitting, I suppose. 
Nagafuji really seemed to be pouring her heart into it, going as far as to move around matching the lyrics. Hino also jumped in halfway through. 
As for Shimamura and I, we were left to stare at them in silence. 
The end of the song was accompanied by the following statement from Nagafuji: 
"What you just heard was the theme song of Nagafuji Meat." 
"Liar. All that's ever for dinner at your house is cabbage." 
"But cabbage miso is delicious." 
Give it back, Hino grumbled while grabbing the mic from the other girl's hands. She then turned towards us. 
"Now then, which one of you will go next?" 
"Huh? There's a fixed order we have to do this in?" 
"Yep. It's called the natural flow." 
Confused, I turned to look at Shimamura, only to notice that she'd had the same idea. Our eyes immediately met. Neither of us had so much as begun working on picking a song. Putting aside the menu she'd spread open for a moment, Shimamura accepted Hino's offer and took the mic. 
"Right. Hmm, what to choose." 
She spoke right into the microphone for some reason. Was she asking me, or perhaps herself? I wasn't quite sure. 
While Shimamura was busy doing that, my thoughts travelled down a completely different path. 
Hino and Nagafuji. Those two were always together, truly inseparable. And yet, in addition, they also managed to deal perfectly with their surroundings. 
The fact that they were currently hanging out with someone like me was proof of that. 
I was nothing at all like them. They were nothing at all like me. I wonder, were they aware of that themselves? I had to assume so. 
"What does it mean to be close to someone?" 
I had no idea. After all the hours spent thinking about it, I'd still to find an answer, and at this point, all I could do was ask. 
The others immediately turned to look at me. Was that a weird thing to ask out of nowhere? Yes, yes it was. Absolutely. 
I probably would've drowned in the resulting embarrassment had Nagafuji not drawn the attention away from me by doing what she did next. 
"Shimamura!" 
Her arms spread open, she began running towards the person mentioned. Like me, she'd given no warning as to what she was about to do, and before Shimamura could even react, the girl's body had already slammed against hers. She instinctively bent as far back as her seat would allow, leaving Nagafuji to stagger as she tried to avoid falling on the floor. 
It was quite the sight to watch unfold before me. Still in a state I'd hesitate to call balanced, Nagafuji proceeded to form a peace sign with her fingers. 
"Like this!" 
"Oh, really?" 
No doubt, she nodded in a manner brimming with confidence. I could see Hino's face in the corner of my eye. By the looks of it, she was just as bewildered as I was. 
"Hmm, maybe it would've been better if I had called her Shima?" 
Appearing to doubt herself, Nagafuji tilted her head slightly. I looked at her, then at Shimamura, then away. 
Even I could tell that this wasn't it. 
"Could simply Ma work?" 
No, but that's too peculiar of a nickname to call Shimamura by, she quickly added, pulling away from the idea. I also thought that didn't work. It just... wasn't who she was. I wasn't fully able to explain why, but I really had this idea in my mind that, were you to come up with a nickname for her, the "Shima" part should be included. It was that fundamental. 
Leaving it out was like ignoring the essentials. That was what I thought. 
That was a fixation I felt to exist in my heart. 
"Okay. To put it short, what Nagafuji's trying to say is... Honestly, I don't got a clue. What are you trying to say, Nagafuji?" 
It seemed that even Hino didn't have a full grasp of her friend's behaviour. Instead of answering, what Nagafuji did was place her finger against her cheek and tilt her head slightly. 
"You don't understand?" 
"I'd be scared for my future if I did." 
Hino followed this statement of hers with a dry laugh. Shimamura smiled a little too, almost like she was doing so to match her. As for me, all I could do was shake my shoulders. 
The passionless laugh I'd tried to force out had gotten stuck somewhere along the way. 
"Well, me not understanding you is really just business as usual. Now then, if you haven't decided yet who'll sing, then I guess I will." 
Having taken the mic, Hino then began singing, and just like the last time, the song quickly turned into a duet as Nagafuji joined in. 
Their corner of the room was certainly having what I'd describe as a grand old time. But, that was only their corner. 
As for me, it felt more like I'd tripped and fallen flat on my face. 
"......" 
My back itched. 
With my hands placed on my knees, my spine naturally began to curve. 
I could feel my very being become just a tiny bit more stale each time I breathed in the room's air. Slowly, I was drying up on the inside. 
My ability to think grew weaker and weaker, almost as if the wrinkles covering the surface of my brain were being smoothed out. 
The voices resounding through my head felt different than normal. The sensation was in a way similar to that of waves hitting a beach; they'd draw close to my ears before pulling away. I wonder, who was it that these voices belonged to, these voices which caused my skin to shrivel? I felt like were I to focus my mind and try to pick out what they were saying, that alone would drive me insane. 
It really did feel like things were getting worse, even when compared to last year. 
Like I was slowly going bad. 
Why was I here right now? What was this all for? 
Could this conflict filling my mind be seen on my face? Apparently so, as soon, Shimamura grabbed my head, brought it close to her, and gave it a soft pat. 
The other two were still singing, and while I hadn't expected her to do so, it didn't exactly shock me either. 
There was something about that reaction that felt alien to me. I barely recognized it as my own. 
As if comforting me, Shimamura's hand weaved through my hair. 
It was almost like she was praising me for trying my hardest. 

I say this at the risk of being misunderstood, but the past five hours had been truly uncomfortable. 
My shoulders were stiff, my nose felt dry. My back was burning. 
Really, how long would it take for me to start enjoying this? 
"What about dinner? You guys wanna go eat somewhere?" Hino asked just as we exited the karaoke place. 
You could hear some fatigue mixed in with her voice. Made sense; she and Nagafuji had been the ones singing for the vast majority of the time. 
A group of people chatting amongst each other passed us by. They appeared to be having a great time, one man in particular laughing so hard he had to hold his belly. That was how humans were; they laughed with others. 
I wonder, should I have acted like that too? 
"Huh? I thought you were coming over to have dinner at our place. You specifically asked if you could and all." 
The speaker this time was Nagafuji, having already hopped onto the back of the other girl's bike. 
"Oh, right. I remember now. Well then, I guess this will be where we break up for the night", Hino stated, drawing back her earlier proposal. Though it likely hadn't been her intention, Nagafuji really had saved me there. 
"See you later. Will the next time be at school? Hmm, I would like to meet at least once before that." 
"I'm pretty sure we're gonna meet like, tomorrow." 
"Yes, we are. But not them. Pay attention." 
Silently, I watched as the two rode away. 
If I had to describe how I felt right now, I'd say that the sensation was similar to filling a quota, finishing up all of the summer homework I'd been assigned. 
That was the impression I was left with as I examined my mental state. It was also why I couldn't help but groan. I was stuck. Things weren't moving. 
"You didn't really have fun, did you?" 
Prompted by the sudden voice, I lifted my head, only to find the last person left—Shimamura--smiling down at me wryly. 
She had been completely right in her assessment, leaving me to wonder how I was supposed to reply. I vaguely remembered saying something to the effect of "it was fine" the last time this had happened, but now, even those vapid words refused to leave my mouth. 
My earlier suspicions had been right; something inside me really was changing. 
Was that a change for worse? Or perhaps... 
"Not to say I expected anything else. I do know that's the sort of person you are, after all." 
What she was talking about wasn't a mere guess, a feeling. No, it was the truth. 
As a person, I was horribly introverted. 
I'm sure that she knew that as well as I did. 
"Regardless, I—" 
Shimamura's words were cut short as all of a sudden, a phone rang. Not mine, obviously, but rather, hers. 
I could feel my middle finger jitter slightly in the rhythm of the tone, almost as if the sound was somehow carrying tiny electric shocks into my muscles. 
Having pulled her phone out from her bag, Shimamura went ahead and focused her eyes on the liquid crystals which formed its display. 
Instantly, I froze. 
My chest became cloudy and my throat clogged up. 
It was difficult to resist the temptation to snatch the device away from her and check who the person was. 
Every last fibre of my being was telling me to do so. My heart kept pounding faster and faster. The sensation was similar to having my survival instincts kick in, only ten times stronger. 
Whether it was due to my reaction or not, that I couldn't tell, but in any case, Shimamura chose to decline the call instead of answering it. 
"I'll just call back later." 
Was she doing this to be conscientious of my feelings, or did she simply not want to talk with the person right now? Again, it was impossible for me to answer that question. 
"Where were we? Hmm... Oh, right. Adachi, I feel that—" 
"It's fine", I blurted out with intensity I didn't know I had in me. I was truly scared to hear the rest. 
Seeing Shimamura's expression stiffen in a way which indicated she was about to say something, I quickly went ahead and repeated myself: 
"Really, it's fine. It is." 
Please don't abandon me, I silently added in my mind. Clingy, yes, but that truly was how I felt. 
This reaction was similar to that of a child's. Looking at Shimamura, it was clear that she didn't quite know how to properly take it in. 
And yet, she simply left the matter there, choosing to ignore what was really going on. That was the sort of person she was. 
"Well, alright. If you say it's fine." 
"Yeah..." I nodded my head a little. How many times, how many times had I forced out those empty words—"I'm fine"? 
Shimamura opened her mouth as if she was about to say something, only to give up halfway and instead raise her arm. 
Slowly, she shook it from side to side. 
"See ya." 
"Right..." 
I waved back at her after a short pause. I'd been fine with it ending like this just moments earlier, but now, those feelings were starting to fade away. All that remained were their afterimages. 
Whereas the usual me would likely have followed her home, I now understood that it should be my objective to work on fixing those sorts of strange deviations. As such, despite all of my instincts telling me otherwise, I decided that it'd be for the best if I kept to that plan for now. Or rather, I had no choice but to do so. My mind filled with these sorts of unreasonable thoughts, we separated. 
Shimamura gave me a short glance over her shoulder while walking away. Did she again find the way I was acting odd? Did she feel uncomfortable? I could only assume so. Our eyes met, prompting her to once more wave her hand in the air. I replied by waving back. 
She didn't look back for a second time. Neither did her bike turn around once she got on it. 
Passing the traffic lights and crossing the side walk, she began making her way home. I could only watch as her back slowly grew distant. 
I wanted to tell her to stop, to wait, but I couldn't. I wanted to chase after her, but I simply didn't have the will to do so. 
It hurt. It was painful. Feeling something akin to fatigue deep behind my eyes, I took a long, hard breath. 
I spent the next couple of moments standing there all by myself. 
A mixture of different sounds reached my ears as I remained like I was, motionless, my hands glued to the handlebar of my bike. All the laughs, the strong footsteps, those had nothing to do with me. I was alone. Searching. Searching for the reason which had brought me here, why I was here now. I went ahead and extended my neck in a desperate attempt to find something, anything to agree with. 
All so that I could feel like I'd spent my time right. 
Being right next to the station, it was only natural that I was able to hear trains nearby. Mixed in with their sounds was the song of cicadas. 
Where were there cicadas here? No matter what direction I turned my head in, all I could see around me were people and tall buildings. 
A long time passed. 
What good was going to come from me staying here? Nothing, probably. I might as well go home. With that in mind, I proceeded to pull my bike out and hop on. Though it did come close, I was somehow able to place my feet on the pedals without tumbling over. Something about that felt similar to jumping directly on a wheel which had already started spinning. Ignoring those sensations, I began pedalling. 
My ears were quickly filled with the sound of metal creaking; apparently, the wheel of my bike had gotten caught somewhere. 
Was this something I could fix on my own? No, likely not. Well, in that case, there was no reason for me to stop. My straightened back gradually slouched forward. 
A loud noise resembling a firework going off could be heard in the distance. While I wasn't able to witness the accompanying flash due to it still being bright outside, considering the time of year, I could only assume that yet another festival was going to be held tonight; these distinct bangs echoing through the night were pretty much a weekly occurrence during the height of summer break. It was quite the popular thing all in all, going as far as to form the core of our city's tourism season. 
As if called by the sound, unpleasant thoughts soon rushed to fill my mind. 
I could see in front of me the image of Shimamura walking with someone who wasn't me. 
There she was, attending a summer festival with a girl whose name I still didn't know. 
By the time I arrived home, she would probably already have called the person from earlier back, wouldn't she? 
My grip on the handlebar grew tighter. I stayed like that for a long while, attempting to gain control of myself as a sharp wave of pain travelled between my thumb and index finger. This wasn't good. I wasn't like that. Desperately, I tried to fix my failings, push myself into the right direction. 
The light of the setting sun painted both the sky and the clouds in its scarlet glow. 
I lifted my gaze from the road, and as I did, my eyes instantly grew wet with tears. 
I'd tried so hard to get along with everyone. And yet, here I was, all by myself. Why? Why was that? 
Before I knew it, my feet had stopped pedalling and placed themselves against the ground, pulling the bike to a halt. My back became covered in sweat as a gush of warmth shot through my body. 
I could feel my mind opening. 
The backside of my neck was especially warm, almost making it feel like I'd passed through a tiny cloud of hot mist. A very specific description, yes, but that really was how it felt to me. 
Imagine wearing multiple layers of warm clothes on a cold winter day. That was what the sensation was like. 
I grew flustered. 
The cityscape around me spun to such an extent that I started feeling nauseous. 
No longer could I stand still. 

"This isn't right." 

I kicked the ground. Just like the wheels of my bike, the gears in my head too began turning. 
You could almost smell burning rubber in the air as I continued picking up speed without an end. 
This stench filling my mind, I shouted out the following: 
"I knew it! This isn't for me!" 
Nothing that was going on here had anything to do with me. It was all unrelated, unconnected. 
It'd be good if I could stop being such an introvert and start living a life where I got along with everyone around me. 
A part of me truly felt like that might be for the best. 
At the same time, it was impossible for me to shake the feeling that there was something wrong about that approach. It simply wasn't right. 
I'd been hearing these strange noises inside my head for a while now, and at last, I was able to make out what they were saying. 
This isn't right, shouted every last fibre of my being in unison. 
Those screams echoed throughout my body, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. I was afraid. Afraid of changing. 
"This isn't right! This isn't right!!" 
The fact that there were people around me, the fact that I was in the middle of the city, none of that mattered. I just kept on shouting. 
All that I'd kept stored inside me had exploded out, transforming me into a human firework of sorts. 
No, I wasn't okay. 
"Today, I wanted to—" 
I wanted to go out with just Shimamura. I always wanted to do that. 
I knew that would've made me a thousand times happier, I knew it. No matter how hard I tried to hide the truth by burying it behind this concept of belonging to a group, it was impossible for me to deny the obvious; the path which I ought to take was right there in front of me. Cicadas did that too, dig themselves under the ground, but they came also out at some point. So then, why didn't I? 
Why would you waste your time alive laying beneath the soil when that was all you could do when you were dead anyway? 
Even if I had a hundred people around me, none of them would come close to replacing Shimamura. No matter how many relationships I piled together, they would never reach this same height. Many did not make one. There was also something else I understood at last: What was right for Shimamura didn't need to be right for me. 
Shimamura and I, we were different types of creatures. 
It was exactly why it was okay. It was exactly why I was so charmed by her. 
The amount of strength I was putting into my legs made it feel like my bones could snap in half any second now. Similarly, the speed at which my bike slid forward was such I wouldn't be surprised if the asphalt covering the road were to be left cracked in my wake. I was using every ounce of strength I had to make the pedals move. I'd even lifted myself off the saddle at some point. When was the last time I'd gone this fast? I honestly couldn't remember. It must've been years ago, if not more than that. All this because I was chasing after a figure I knew I wouldn't find at the end of this road. 
Look at me. Look at me and no one else. 
I'm only ever looking at you, Shimamura. 
After all. 
After all, I— 
"I love you! I love you, Shimamuraaaaaaaaa!" 
This honestly might have been the first time I'd ever said those words out loud. 

Having been able to for once release what I felt inside me, the rest of my sentiments took on the form of a sensation unlike anything I'd ever experienced before. Softly, those feelings patted my cheeks. 
Joy and irritation both simultaneously ravaged my mind. These emotions were messy, yes, hard to make sense of, but considering that I'd previously had nothing to cling onto, they were more than enough to satisfy my needs. 
I could feel my cheeks cool down slightly as tears tinged with the evening sun rolled down them. My face was a complete mess as was my mind, but the tears, those painted the outline of my true feelings. 
The flow of time itself had sped up, leaving me with no room to pay attention to the glares of the people I passed. 
Somehow, I'd managed to travel to a world belonging only to me. 
What spread before me there was scenery completely unlike the usual. 
I hadn't been able to see it on my way here, but now, the image of it filled my entire field of view. 
A city of dusk, the sounds of fireworks and cicadas resounding in the distance. 
The way this turmoil, all this activity ran past me in the corner of my eye, it was like I was a whole lap behind. 
I was growing desperate. Desperate to catch up with summer before it flowed away from me. 
Passing both the lights and cicadas, I kept on pedalling. 

I'd found what I truly wanted to do during summer break. 
From beneath the countless number of things I'd written down, all those letters and words, the answer had come to me. 

Up next: The second half of summer break.