Adachi to Shimamura - Volume 7 - Chapter 4.1

Chapter 4 – Quiet Praying

I had a tendency to sleep incredibly well. 
I wonder, was that the reason why I saw more dreams than your average person? Most likely. 
What part of me did it feed? What sort of nourishment did it grant me? I'd yet to determine the answer to those questions. 
In order to find it, I decided to go back to sleep. 
Zzz... 

Dreams are nightly adventures. 
That was something a person had once said. What person? I honestly couldn't remember. 
Whereas Mom often called me lazy for spending my entire summer break in bed, this way of viewing the situation was much less cold and heartless. Night was when a person's heart opened. There in the deep darkness, an occasional sparkle of light could be seen. 
That light was what people called "memories". 
Without the glimmer of memories, a person's heart would be consumed entirely by darkness. 
They'd be left unable to go anywhere. 
In the darkness, someone called to me. 
Shima! 
I turned around, only to be met by the clear blue sky. 
It could be bright all the time in your dreams if you so desired. After all, they only consisted of your most vivid memories. 
A young version of Tarumi ran up to me. Swiftly, she passed me by. I turned to look in the direction where she was running, and there, I saw standing myself but smaller. I could barely remember what she looked like. This was before I had begun paying attention to my own face, back when my eyes had been constantly pointed at the world around me. So, this was what it'd been like, huh? Those were the thoughts that passed through my mind as I chased after the two. 
There was no need for me to run. Rather, I could keep up with them by walking just slightly faster than normal. 
I truly had been tiny back in the day. That was something that was made beyond clear to me. 
Such stumpy limbs, yet so free. I could simply reach for anything I wanted and grab it. 
We were currently walking down a road located near where I lived. No cars passed through here. Looking around, I saw that the buildings were not the same ones from the past, but rather, those from my current memories. The only thing unchanged was the blue sky above me. I went ahead and held out my hand. Just like back then, I still couldn't even begin to reach it. 
Taru. Squshy. 
I sure had been a weird kid. What even was that sound that left my mouth? Was I laughing? Squshy. 
Shima. Ahahaha. 
Based on her laugh, Tarumi seemed to find it odd as well. I remembered us having conversations like these pretty often. We'd just laugh, and yet somehow, it felt like we understood one another. It was like there was a connection of some sort between us. 
The awake me had barely any memories left of the time we'd spent together. It was only in my dreams that I was able to see her. Speaking of Tarumi, back then, her nose used to run all the time. Not just that, she always had this boneheaded look on her face. I kinda feel like if I were to point that out to her now, she'd argue against it, deny that that was how things ever were. Not that I'd seen her in a while. 
Not just that, I hadn't heard her voice once after bluntly ending that call on her. 
She'd cling to me, and we'd part ways. She'd approach me again, only for us to grow distant once more. 
Was this going to result in us losing touch? Had we already? 
While unfortunate in some ways, it wasn't like there was anything that could be done to stop it. 
After all, if I did go see her in secret and Adachi found out, she'd end up in tears. I was sure of it. 
She was now my girlfriend, and she was definitely acting the part. 
What about me though? Would I be able to pull through here? Probably. As long as I did my best to fulfil Adachi's wishes, then everything would be just fine. At the same time, even though Adachi was so in love with me that it kinda scared me, I wasn't entirely sure whether I had it in me to reciprocate her feelings. Not yet, at least. 
I wasn't as starved for love as she was. 
Why? Because I'd already received so much from other places. 
Where are you going today, Shima? 
"Where am I going? Hmm..." 
Dunno. Maybe the school playground? 
"Oh, right. I remember that." 
I'd gone to visit the sports ground of an elementary school located near my house to throw a ball with Tarumi. Those had been simpler times, and as such, even those not part of any relevant clubs were able to just walk in. 
I used to love nothing more than playing with a ball. 
I assume that Tarumi liked it too. If nothing else, she joined me quite often. 
Could it be, was it actually me who she liked? What a conceited thing to even consider. 
Regardless, it was me being the way I was that made me unable to stay with her forever. 
"......" 
Hmm? 
Turning just her head, the small me took a glance in my direction. 
I know what you're going to do, Shima. Once you make friends with the other girls, you'll cast me away. 
The small Tarumi also turned to look at me. The gentle smile on her face faded away, replaced by something far colder. 
The image that came to my mind was that of ice-cold spring water I'd once touched while on a holiday with my family. 
It was currently summer, and yet, I found myself shivering to the core. 
There was something so unworldly, so inhumane about the face of a child stripped of happiness. 
"Cast her away... Is that what I did?" 
With my head tilted to the side and with my face twisted to form a forced smile, I stared at this manifestation of guilt. 
Human relationships always required the participation of both parties. That was to say, the reason why ours had failed was because she'd tried to make me carry it all by myself. 
Had she really thought that I was the sort of person capable of valuing these things? 
Me, a child constantly running around and hitting her head on stuff. 
Yep. Sorry, but that's how it is. 
That was what the small me told her. 
Still. You shouldn't be sad, Taru. I'll always be with you. 
Always? 
Yes, always. 
Having said that, the small me grasped her hand. Tarumi looked very pleased as she sniffed her nose. 
I'd been so philosophical. 
Still, what was going on here? 
The part of the conversation that I recalled, that I understood. 
However, these words of Tarumi that talked about the future, where had they come from? 
This was my dream, and as such, everything here should've originated from my mind. And yet, what she'd said didn't. 
Who was it that created dreams? 
I looked up at the sky. Did there exist someone beyond it? 
Someone who I didn't know about with the ability to peer into my memories. 
Staring at the sky, I found my consciousness fading away. 

That was a dream I'd had. 
I already kinda knew that it was the case, but as it turned out, fully immersing myself into a dream allowed me to spend much more time in it before waking up. I had a hard time agreeing to the statement that dreams were nothing but illusions of one's mind. Why was that? Because occasionally, they would open me a window to the past. The things I'd seen tonight, there was a definite sense of reality to them. 
It was still completely dark in my room—a rare sight for someone like myself who normally never woke up in the middle of the night. 
I went ahead and rolled to my side to see if I'd be able to go back to sleep. 
"Zzz..." 
I was. 

I found myself walking down the same road once again. It was almost as if the dream I'd seen last night had been a film or something. 
"A pretty boring film, I have to say." 
To other people, it must have seemed like I was merely walking. Perhaps they even thought that I was an especially dull person, someone doing their best to avoid paying attention to the people she passed by. I couldn't really blame them. Tarumi, the young me, neither of them were here anymore. 
They would've blended right in with this background, I bet. The two, such good friends. 
No longer did this scene exist in reality. It was only my memories that kept it alive. 
I really didn't feel like things could work out anymore between me and Tarumi. We'd met again after all these years, reconciled, become friends anew. And yet, here I was, actively working towards breaking away from her like I had done in the past. Even I myself could tell that much. If my goal was to stay with her, then I needed to do something right about now. And yet, there was a certain force that held me back, stopped me from going. 
That force was Adachi. 
It was all because of Adachi. 
My relationships had all failed because of her. 
Thinking about it rationally, it was actually quite a serious issue. Bit by bit, Adachi was eroding me. She was setting up all these rules while completely ignoring my feelings and circumstances. 
She was not just, not even when dealing with me. 
You had to look no further than this bias of hers to see why she felt the way she did, where the intense emotions she harboured in her mind came from. 
Jealousy, disagreement, affection. Those were just a few terms I'd use to describe how I felt about the sheer strength of her will. They were completely contradictory, yes, but at the same time, I truly did experience every single one of them all at once. A person's thoughts and feelings were always complicated. There was no rhyme nor reason to them, and there was not meant to be. 
And yet, Adachi, she held no contradictions in her mind. She was straightforward and to the point. 
Her feelings were like ore from under the ground—completely raw and untreated. 
If I had to name a specific part of her that I felt attracted to, perhaps it'd be that. 
A shadow of white passed by my feet. 
Sprinting like a manifestation of the wind, his tail brushed against my eyes. 
It was Gon. Though already old, he was walking just like he used to back in the day. 
Why was that? Because I was picking out only the best parts and discarding the rest. 
Closing the distance between us, Gon snuggled up to me. 
"Hehehe. Aren't you energetic today." 
He was so old, and yet, here he was, acting like a puppy. 
Dreams sure were nice. 
Feelings of all sorts kept flowing through my mind. I wanted to chase Gon, but simultaneously, I also wanted to start crying. After thinking about it for a moment, I decided to do both at the same time. I ran after him in tears. There was no one around. No one was looking my way. 
So what? So what if someone saw me crying? Why did that matter? 
Once I woke up, not even I could remember what had happened. 
I ran at full speed. My torso felt light, almost as if I'd left my lungs behind. In that vein, since I didn't need to breathe, there was nothing to stop me. 
I ran and ran. And yet, it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. 
I was incapable of reaching Gon. Though the street as I knew it wasn't all that long, no end could be seen to it now. 
That was a good thing, I felt. 
It meant that I could keep chasing him forever. 
The world around me spun like a whirlpool. 
With each step, my surroundings grew lighter and lighter. Both Gon and the town were fading to white. 
Like a piece of paper, the ground beneath my feet too wrapped in on itself. 
It was almost impossible for me to chase Gon at this point. Both him and I were disappearing. 
I didn't want that. I didn't want either of us to vanish. 
I wanted to stay right where I was. 

I woke up, and this time, what I saw was grey light. The pale glow of the morning sun was shining in through the gaps in my curtains. 
Just a bit longer, and the day would start. I decided that I might as well get up from bed and do some gymnastics or something while I waited for the rest of my family to wake up. 
Hmm, or maybe not. I turned to my other side. 
As I did, I could feel that my cheeks were warm. It was like I'd yawned so hard that tears had started flowing down them. 
Yeah, figures. It was too late. Softly, I closed my eyes once more. 
"Zzz..." 
Nothing was impossible for me. 

This time, there was no one waiting for me. 
"All alone, huh?" 
Just like usual. 
Still, I had to say, I sure did sleep a lot. That was the realisation I came to as I stared at the sky above me. 
Was sleeping thirteen hours a day enough to qualify me as a resident of Dreamland? I had to assume so. 
Dreams were becoming my reality. 
There was something quite nice about that, being freed from all the things bothering me. 
If I had to name one problem, I suppose you could say that not being able to sleep in a dream qualified as that. 
The thing I found most enjoyable in life had been robbed from me. 
Putting that topic aside, what surrounded me currently was an endless field of darkness so thick and deep that not even the dawn could shine through. I felt myself being swallowed by it. And that wasn't a metaphor; I straight-up couldn't see my hands in front of me. The concept of me as a person felt like it was on the verge of disappearing, fading away. 
I turned my head and scanned my surroundings, but no bits of light could be seen anywhere. This dream was one completely lacking in memories. 
I decided to move my feet around a little. The sound of my own footsteps sounded so very distant. There was definitely a floor beneath me, yes, but whether I was actually walking on it or not, that was difficult to tell. It was as if my feet were sinking into something, like the scenery that surrounded me was moving up and down. Was I actually moving forward? I wasn't sure. 
While obviously based on nothing more than my own impression of the situation, I kinda felt like this was exactly what Adachi saw each night. It just seemed to me like she didn't have all that many good memories to form dreams around. That, or perhaps her dreamscape was covered entirely in pictures of my face. While she might have been satisfied with that, personally, I found it a bit scary. Then again, I suppose it was the world that she wanted. 
All she wanted was me. As long as she was able to be with me, then that was all she needed. Nothing else mattered to her. That being said, if Adachi were to ask me to walk to the ends of the world with her, I would say no. If she urged me to take the world to ourselves, then I'd refuse. I'd prefer being by myself at that point. 
I'd discard all that was bothersome and walk forward all alone. 
As for living with Adachi, that was something I wanted to do surrounded by people. 
Why was that? Because if it was just the two of us, then that'd be the same as living in a place like this. 
There was a stark contrast between the barren scenery which now surrounded me and the lovely dream I'd seen earlier. At the same time, this too was very much something that existed within my heart. 
Moments of fun and enjoyment were always followed by winds so cold they made me shiver. 
The more fun I had, the more I found myself looking at what came after. The better things went, the more I became aware of the fact that eventually, it would all collapse. The darkness summoned by this way of thinking about the world acted as a repellent for memories. 
Time was like water; the more of it you added, the more dilute your memories grew. 
They'd only grow deeper if you left them be. That being said, there was definitely a point where, after enough time, your memories would begin diverging from what had actually happened. What about mine? Were they still pure? 
How deep had they grown by now? 
I could see light. A ball of pale light floated there in the air in front of me. What was it? Where had it come from? I decided to take a step towards it. 
"......" 
Just like that, the light was replaced by a head I'd seen plenty of times before. 
"Is it breakfast time already?" 
"It's always food with you, huh?" 
"Oh! Shimamura!" 
Why did she say that like some weird foreigner? I wasn't quite sure. The person now staring at me was none other than Yashiro. 
"Mura-Mura." 
"That's not my name. Still, you just kinda showed up, huh?" 
Showed up to another person's dream. Not just that, she came demanding breakfast. 
"It was easy." 
Yashiro proceeded to swing her arms up and down in the air. The faint glimmer of her hair allowed me to see that the expression on her face was changing as well. 
"Still sleeping, are we?" 
Somehow, it appeared that she was able to tell where we were. What a weirdo, seriously. 
"Yep. Just a little while longer." 
"In that case, allow me to join you." 
Her tiny feet clapping against the floor, the girl tottered up to me. It was almost like I'd pulled out a lamp or something. That's how glowy her hair was. I could now both see my own feet as well as hear the sound they made as I walked forward. 
"Hmm..." 
It was difficult to put it into words, but in a lot of ways, it didn't even feel like I was dreaming. 
"We went on a walk together the other day. Do you remember?" 
Now tottering by my side, Yashiro asked me this. There was a broad smile on her face. 
"Huh?" 
"I let you ride on my head, I think." 
"Oh, right. Yeah. I remember." 
She was talking about that time I soared through the skies. 
"How do you know about that?" 
"Of course I know. I was there." 
Hmm. Although her answer sounded very deep at first glance, I suppose it was correct in the literal sense. 
I shifted my attention to where the light shining from Yashiro's hair was guiding me. There, I could see someone standing. Her clothes combined with her mouth—twisted in a cheeky smirk—immediately let me know who this person was. I found myself letting out a short gasp. 
It was me from middle school—a time when my personality had yet to mellow. 
"Not really what I want to see." 
That being said, it wasn't the case that I could simply avert my eyes. Why? Because Yashiro was heading that way. 
If I lost Yashiro, then I'd once again be swallowed by the darkness. 
"That is you, Shimamura. But young." 
"Yep. There's no mistaking it." 
I was still young even now, thank you very much. Anyway, speaking of the other me, there was nothing about her appearance that immediately stood out. Her expression as she glared at me was stiff, questioning even, almost as if she wasn't really satisfied with the current situation. As for her clothes, she was wearing a basketball club uniform. 
What a mean look she had in her eyes, seriously. It was no surprise that no one liked her. 
"She looks angry." 
"She sure does. I wonder, what is it that's making her so unhappy?" 
It was as if she was fighting all by herself. Fighting against what? I tried thinking back to what had gone through my mind back in those days, but it all seemed so vague now. The number one thing was that I'd felt unsatisfied. Constantly. Never had there been a single moment where I wasn't battling with things that refused to go my way, struggling to get over them. Relationships, school, clubs, grades, my parents. All of them were enemies that I charged towards headlong with no one by my side. 
The other me tossed me the ball she was holding. As she'd done so with no warning, I obviously missed my chance to catch it. Plus, the fact that it was pitch black all around me certainly did not help. I wanted to ask her what the heck she was thinking. Then again, I suppose this was exactly how the other members of the basketball club had felt like trying to catch her—my—passes. It was simply impossible to predict what I was up to. 
Thinking about it that way, I no longer wanted to lecture her; while youth came with enthusiasm, it also came with indiscretion. 
I'd been right in the middle of puberty back then, and honestly, it explained a lot. 
"This isn't a nice thing to look at." 
It filled me with shame being made to witness my own past. 
The single most important thing time had given me was self-awareness—self-awareness that had led to me drying up and becoming the person I was currently. I took a step forward and walked past the old me. I kinda thought she might spit on me or something, but no, she let me go without as much as trying to stop me. Even so, I was sure that seeing how she was going to end up in her future must have been a massive moment of disillusionment to her. 
"It's embarrassing." 
"What is?" 
"Then again, my life would not be nearly as soft nor fluffy as it is right now had I not burned out back then." 
A stranger from Planet Bothersome. Not that such a planet existed. 
Regardless. 
There was something that the middle school me had gotten right. 
You needed to fight to survive. 
No matter what you did to escape all the bothersome things—the number one enemy of the present me—they would eventually catch up to you and run you over. 
The me who'd always looked sour, the me I now found so embarrassing, she'd been correct the whole time. 
It did take a lot of courage to face that fact. At the same time, given that this was a dream, I could cry and yell all I wanted and no one would ever know. No one would witness my shame. I was able to act true to myself without having to keep up appearances. 
"Nothing really to do, huh?" 
Well, with the exception of her, I suppose. 
"I find that relaxing. You don't?" 
"No. Why? Because the sweets aren't sweet here." 
Hmph, she exclaimed, her voice tinged with regret. 
"This dream isn't sweet, you say? I suppose that makes sense." 
Yashiro herself was stating that as a matter of fact, but really, I kinda doubted there was any significant meaning to her words. However, that being said. 
Though you might get to a point where your memories didn't hurt to think about, they were never going to be sweet. 
Really, at that point, they'd only cause ever deeper cuts to appear in your heart. 
There might be a lot of masochists out there who enjoyed such a thing. But, I wasn't one of them. 
Not sweet. Not sweet at all. 
Grasping this realisation in my heart and with my fists clenched, I turned my head till I was staring at the other side of the darkness. 
Little by little, the darkness was disappearing. It was being cleared away. 
"Looks like it's time to wake up." 
The night had come to an end, and what was revealed in its place was a world filled with both light and things that I found bothersome. 
"It seems so." 
Having said that, Yashiro began floating to the sky. I couldn't help but gasp. 
She was just straight-up flying with no reason or pretext whatsoever. 
"I'll be waiting for you and your dough-nuts on the other side, Shimamura..." 
Why was there an echo to her voice? I had no clue. 
While this might at first glance seem like we were parting ways, somehow, I had a hunch that once I woke up, I'd once again find her hanging around our house as if she lived there. 
I suppose that was just fine. 
"Hmm. She did kinda help me out here..." 
I decided that I'd buy her a doughnut if I were to remember this dream come tomorrow. 
Well, not that a single one would be anywhere near enough to sate her. 
Having forgotten everything, all the thoughts that had run through my mind gone, I'd wake up from the dream. 
The things I was unable to perceive would vanish from my world. 
The so-called eternity only lasted for as long as I did. 
A limited eternity. 
I turned to look behind me, and there, I saw standing a dog and a child. Beside them was another child. 
Two people who'd wanted to touch each other, to understand each other. 
Though that was now gone, I still didn't want to forget about it. 
Every time I looked at them, I found myself thinking the same thing. 
What had sprouted from me, that something slightly prettier than the rest, I wanted it to last forever. 

It felt like someone was pushing down on my chest. 
Like the air in my lungs was flowing the wrong way. 
I was returning here. 
"...The phone." 
What had pulled me awake was the sound of my phone ringing. Slowly, I forced myself up from bed. There just so happened to be a clock on my wall, and staring up at it, I saw that the hour hand had rotated backwards by about an hour. Huh? It took me a few moments to comprehend what was going on here. 
Apparently, I'd slept for eleven hours straight. What a productive start to the weekend. 
Putting all that aside, I really needed to answer my phone as it was still ringing. 
I'd yet to pick the device up, but somehow, I already had a hunch that it was Adachi calling me. 
She had been the one to pull me back to reality. Without her, I would probably have ended up sleeping for thirteen hours, not eleven. 
Had something like this happened before? I kinda felt like it had. Whatever the case, my heart was most certainly pounding faster now than it had back then. 
I got up and sprinted to the other side of my room. Doing so cleared my head from all the fog that had been collected up there during the hours I'd spent sleeping. I could feel my blood once more spreading through my entire body and not just parts of it. The tips of my fingers tingled ever so slightly. 
Somehow, I got the feeling that I'd seen a lot of dreams last night. 
That was what I felt. However, as their contents were all mixed together in my head, I couldn't quite tell what they'd been like. 
Then again, as dreams were little more than fabrications of the mind, I suppose it didn't matter one way or another if I remembered them or not. 
Nothing was going to change just because I remembered my dreams. Nothing big, at least. 
As long as my heart felt pure and I was able to confront both reality and my past alike, then that was all that mattered. 
The real world was filled with all sorts of annoyances. I could feel myself growing tired just thinking about it. 
However, now, I had someone by my side to fight them with. 
I wasn't alone. 
That was nice. It made me so happy. 
"Hello? Adachi? Yes, yes. I remember. The date, right? Yes." 
Even I could tell that my voice sounded slightly ecstatic as I picked up the call. 
I wonder, did Adachi notice that as well? 
I quietly prayed that she didn't. 
Why? Because I didn't want my girlfriend to make fun of me.