Feelings of Panic
(Told from Tuuli’s perspective. Originally posted on Bookworm’s short story collection page on Narou.)
“Tuuli, I think it’s about time for bed,” Mom said as she laid out my covers.
“I’ll sleep once I’ve finished this one,” I replied, quickly but carefully crocheting one last red flower. I cut away the leftover thread and made a few final touches before setting aside my needle, leaning back, and stretching hard as I admired the finished decoration.
“You certainly have gotten busy now that you’re a leherl,” Mom noted.
“Myne’s to blame for that,” I said with pursed lips as I put my needle away in my toolbox.
Ever since I had started working for the Gilberta Company as a leherl apprentice, Mrs. Corinna and Mr. Otto began taking a bunch more orders for flower ornaments. Myne had apparently done something during the Star Festival all the nobles went to, and out of nowhere, we had received a ton more customers. I’d thought that maybe Lady Brigitte’s dress had been a big hit, but not many people were ordering clothes—just our flower ornaments.
As a hairpin maker, this meant I was super busy. There were other people in the workshop making flower ornaments, but I had the most experience and could make a wider variety of decorations, so most orders ended up going to me.
Myne was also giving me picture books and letters containing hidden messages about new ways to make lace and other things, and since nobody else knew the codes, I was naturally the first one to actually make them. I would learn the techniques myself, attempt to make the decorations, and then pass this information on to the others. In other words, I had ended up in a teaching position of sorts in the workshop.
While I was happy to have so much responsibility after fighting to secure my position as a leherl, all I ever did was make hairpins. I didn’t feel like I was getting much better as a seamstress.
“I want to do more work with clothes...” I murmured. “I promised to make some for Myne, but all I’m making are hairpins.”
“True,” Mom replied. “But once you’ve learned some more etiquette, you’ll start getting brought along to the noble estates for orders, right?”
“Yeah, but...”
I sighed. Etiquette was hard, and it was impossible to know where you needed to improve without someone else to guide you. To make matters worse, Lutz was getting better and better at carrying himself, and it was making me so jealous. We were supposed to be equals when it came to getting dragged around by Myne, but he was getting closer and closer to the nobility while I got stuck lagging behind.
This past summer, Lutz had gone to a far-off province called Illgner and stayed there until winter preparations started. He’d said that he was figuring out how to make new kinds of paper.
Anyway, super important nobles would soon be going to Illgner, so Lutz had to practice really advanced etiquette; the gray priests who served nobles taught everyone who went. I was busy with hairpins and didn’t have teachers like that, so I thought it was kind of unfair.
“Why don’t you have Lutz teach you?” Mom asked.
“He’s busy... And that’s Myne’s fault too.” He was constantly running between the ink and carpentry workshops, since he’d brought back a ton of things from Illgner for them to experiment with. “Kamil’s lucky. Myne gives him toys, not work.”
Lutz had recently delivered a new toy Myne had ordered from a carpentry workshop: a box with holes of various shapes cut into the thin board on top, and some blocks that were designed to fit through them. Each block could only be pushed through a certain hole, and while Kamil had only managed to figure out the circle one so far, he loved playing with it anyway.
Kamil really liked Lutz, since he was the one who always brought him toys. If things continued like this, I half-expected Kamil to end up as an apprentice at the Plantin Company with Lutz’s introduction.
“Hey, Mom... Do you think Kamil’s also going to live his whole life being dragged around by Myne?”
“Maybe, but that’ll be his decision to make. You’re doing this because you want to, right? I mean, what you’re making there... That’s a winter hairpin for Myne, isn’t it?” Mom asked, pointing at the red flower on the table.
She was right on the money. I faltered a little as I delicately picked up the decoration. “Myne hasn’t sent any new orders, even though the season’s about to change... What else can I do but make something for her and take it to her directly? She’s the archduke’s daughter now; it’d be shameful if she wore the same hairpin every year. I need to make sure she doesn’t embarrass herself.”
“Why not just admit you want to see her again?” Mom asked with a chuckle. I puffed out my cheeks in response.
Myne’s been so busy lately. I can’t just say I want to see her for my own sake.
I couldn’t help but wonder if she didn’t actually care about seeing me. Maybe she loved her noble family more than us now. It was hard to admit that I wanted to see her when my thoughts kept straying in that direction.
I picked up the rest of the half-completed hairpin. There was a feeling of unease in my chest, but I shrugged it off and gave Mom a small smile. “I just want Myne to be healthy again,” I said. “You know, Lutz mentioned she found all the ingredients for her medicine.”
“Right... Myne will finally be healthy again...” Mom said. She wore a conflicted smile, looking both happy and sad, and I completely understood why. We were both so glad about Myne getting better, but as she moved even further beyond being the sickly, always-collapsing girl we knew, we felt as though we were being left behind.
Myne... Don’t go too far just yet... I thought, caressing the red decorative flower in my hand. I still need to become a first-rate seamstress.
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