Fremd Torturchen - Volume 7.5 - Chapter 5

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A Message from Someone (3)

“I never once loved you people.”

I believe I said something to that effect in my last message. Truth be told, though, that was a lie. Back then, I did love you.

Or at least, I stubbornly convinced myself that I did.

No, no, even that’s fairly far from the truth. I really do need to stop talking in vague half statements. But just to begin with, defining love isn’t the easiest thing to do.

For example, can you truly say that you love the fragile world you live in?

Can you really describe your relationship with the thing you interact with and bear responsibilities toward each day with a word as pure and straightforward as love? I strongly doubt it. And even if you can, it’s nothing more than the product of self-delusion. In reality, the way you feel about it is complicated, with all sorts of different emotions intermingling and coexisting.

I once hated a world such as yours, and so, too, did I love it.

The real me never once possessed the unconditional love or boundless mercy that the stories attribute to me. I was never perfectly good, and I was never perfectly evil.

However, my saying this might be nothing more than an act of outrageous modesty.

Back then, I was driven by all sorts of ideas, convictions, and self-righteousness and filled with all sorts of sorrow, grief, and sadness, and yet even so, I clung desperately to my love and my hope. Thinking back on it now, the inside of my brain must have been like an incandescent pit of hellfire.

In other words, I had the makings of a preeminent deviant—

—as well as the confidence and blind faith befitting a savior, all in spades.

If I hadn’t, I never would have been able to commit a sin that profane. Or at the very least, I would have refused to bear the burden of my failure. Yet I did in fact both commit a sin and bear the burden.

Because of that, I became the most contradictory entity this world has ever seen.

I am more sinful than any, holier than any, lowlier than any, and more exalted than any.