Hakushaku to Yousei - Volume 5 - Chapter 8

P. 256
    Lydia blacked out from a fever and high temperature and wasn’t aware that her father had come racing into the Madam Eve Palace room which returned to the human realm.
    Therefore Lydia had no memory of her father, whose character was normally described as extremely gentle, highly carefree and hated to start confrontations with others, snagged her limp body away from Edgar without allowing any claim or objection from him and immediately rushed home.
    She also didn’t notice that her father had crazy ideas in his head about why she was wearing an Arabian-styled outfit and when Paul paid the Carlton residence a visit to wish her well and tried to explain that Madam Eve Palace was not a harem and Lydia was only there as a fairy doctor, her father wouldn’t dare listen to him. 
    On the third day, her fever finally went down and she was able to let some soup go down through her throat, but all of the troublesome memories and worries were completely gone from her memory and she didn’t bother to wonder what had happened after that.
    The moonstone, which was supposed to be on her ring finger, was lying on the table by her bedside.
    When her father had rushed into the palace, Edgar had secretly slipped it off and had Nico take it home, which also unknown to Lydia, and she was only glad that it had finally come off.

P. 257
    As she was gazing out the window, some tree leaves came flowing in on a breeze.
    As she was gazing at that, Kelpie suddenly appeared at her window.
    “Hey, Lydia, are you finally able to get up now?”
    He lowered himself to slide through the window to enter her room.
    “What is the meaning of confining yourself to bed just because of a fever? Isn’t it the London weather that made you sick?”
    “I’m fine now.”
    He came over to Lydia who sat herself up-right and pulled her head into his arms and pressed her up against his chest.
    “So your temperature has come down.”
    He was being quite rough, but when Lydia was pressed up against the water horse, she felt like she was being washed by the streams from the highlands of Scotland.
    It cooled her down and she was filled with peaceful relief.
    And if it was a fae doing that to her, then the sense that he was the opposite gender disappeared from inside Lydia. That’s why she didn’t feel any necessity to push away Kelpie, and although it could have just been because she didn’t have that must energy, as she remained still as she was.
    “Oh, I remember, I was saved thanks to you weren’t I. Thank you, Kelpie.”
    “Huhh? Well, there was the jewel there. More than that, you’re being quite the honest one today, aren’t you?”

P. 258
    “You think?”
    “You normally are more, how do you say it, high-handed when you say thank you, or something like that.”
    That was because she knew she couldn’t show any weakness towards Unseelie Courts like Kelpie.
    But when she was dealing this kelpie she thought she could be more relaxed and because her head was still a little dizzy, she wasn’t able to think about anything complicated.
    Lydia was in a completely vulnerable state.
    “Am I not allowed to be honest?”
    As Kelpie said, ‘well, it is all right,’ he combed up his black wavy hair in an unusually embarrassed manner.
    “Thank you for listening to my selfish wish. I really do appreciate how you saved everyone.”
    “Everyone, huh.”
    When Kelpie stated that he would only save Lydia, she didn’t let go of Edgar even as she refused. Kelpie made that remark in a sarcastic tone after he remembered that, but Lydia didn’t notice it at all.
    Lydia was glad that everyone was all right from the bottom of her heart and gave Kelpie a childish, pure happy smile.
    “……You smile the same way.”

P. 259
    “Eh?”
    Lydia couldn’t have possibly known that the Lydia in the illusion Kelpie had seen by the ‘Daydream’ and the smile she just made were the same.
    “Just because I helped that annoying earl, you go and make a much happier face than when I said I would give you the diamond.”
    “Th-that’s not what this is. It’s because I don’t care for diamonds…”
    “Well, I guess it’s all right. Since I feel like I wanted to see you smile anyway.”
    Kelpie’s hand roughly patted Lydia’s head and he gave her a grin.
    And then, just like that, he disappeared.
    At that same time, there was a knock on the door, so he must have gone off because he didn’t want to meet anyone.
    The housekeeper who opened the door made an unusually respectful, courteous bow.
    "Miss, the Duchess Lady Masefield has come to pay you a visit.”
    The duchess came here herself?
    Lydia panicked and rushed to pull on her cardigan and stopped to think if it was right of her to get out of bed or not.
    “Oh, Lydia, please remain comfortable as you are. If I made you get up and move about, then there would be no meaning for me to come and wish you well.”
    “Oh, no, I’m feeling much better than I was…. It’s just a cold, anyways.”

P. 260
    In the end, Lydia remained sitting up-right in her bed and made a bow to greet the guest.
    “I feel honored to be worried by Your Grace.”
    The duchess seated herself gracefully down in the chair that was pulled back by the housekeeper.
    “I was told that your fever wasn’t serious enough for me to worry. But, I came since there was something that was bothering me.”
    Lydia raised her head and wondered if Edgar had said something unnecessary to the duchess.
    “I heard you were taken into the Madam Eve Palace? And you were made to wear clothing like that of a harem woman.”
    “Huh, it wasn’t like I was taken in… There happened to be a mistake.”
    “But still, a rumor is going around. Didn’t one of the rooms in that building get ruined because of a gas pipe explosion?”
    Oh, so it was made so that it was a gas pipe that did it, thought Lydia as she gave a nod in reply.
    “I hear that there were people who witnessed you being taken out of that building. All of society wants to know who the girl is that was being locked up in a place that is rumored to be a harem palace. Luckily since it was night, no one was able to figure out exactly who it was. But the rumor kept growing and growing, and I don’t think that there would be anything that would tie you to it, but this incident is quite serious, do you understand that?”
    Even Lydia was feeling cold sweat coming out of her.
    That place wasn’t a harem under the normal meaning, but society didn’t know that. If she were to be in such a place, then it wouldn’t be a mysterious for her to be labeled as a prostitute.

P. 261
    It meant that she wouldn’t be able to go into marriage.
    “I did feel like I am going out-of-bounds, but please let me say this. There was a rumor that the Earl Ashenbert might be previously commuting to that business, but right after this incident, I was visited by Professor Carlton and he wanted some advice in regards about you and the earl, so I connected two and two together with you and the rumor about the Madam Eve Palace.”
    “My father, came to you?”
    “And when I went to talk with the earl, I was told that you had accompanied him as your job as a fairy doctor to that building. I was also told that in the painter Mr. Foreman and the servants of the earl were also in that building, but I thought it was improper of him to bring along a young woman who he was wishing to marry.”
    “Uh, what exactly was it that my father came for your advice about…”
    The duchess leaned her head to the side as if she was troubled to no ends.
    “However, since your feelings is also an important factor in this…”
    In that instant, Lydia’s attention was taken away at the sound of a voice that was coming from the hallway.
    She thought she heard her father and Edgar’s voice.
    It seemed like the two of them were having a dispute at the front door, as their voices was reaching all the way to her room.
    Even though she was in the middle of a conversation with the duchess, Lydia went walking over towards the doorway.
    It seemed like her father was trying to turn Edgar away.

P. 262
    “I heard that the earl is paying your house a visit everyday. However, he said that Professor Carlton wouldn’t allow him to speak his turn.”
    The duchess also came up to lean against the door and peeked down the stairs like a small little girl, eaves-dropping on someone else’s conversation.
    In that spot, the two of them fell silent to hear what was being spoken.
    “No, Lord Earl, I feel very sorry to have to say this, but I am in no condition to have a calm and straight conversation with you at the moment. I feel like I might commit some kind of terrible disrespect, so please, I ask for you to return home for today.”
    It was quite rare for her father to be this stubborn, and because of that, it made Lydia realize how graze and serious ill effects the rumor of the harem might fall onto her.
    “Will you allow me to hear about Miss Carlton’s condition?” requested Edgar.
    “Her temperature has finally gone down. So there is nothing more for you to worry about.”
    “I am terribly sorry for what happened.”
    She wasn’t able to see the two of them from the second floor but could catch sight of two dim shadowy figures casted up against the wall, but from that, she could tell that Edgar had bowed his head down to her father which made Lydia be filled with an indescribable feeling.
    “There is no reason for you to apologize to us. Since Lydia only did her job from her sense of responsibility.”
    “No, there was fault on my part as well.”

P. 263
    “Well, yes, beside her sickness, for you to take along Lydia to such a disreputable place like that, Lord Earl, you are most definitely irresponsible.”
    “Yes, I would like to apologize about that as well.”
    “This is dealing with my daughter’s future. I am not aware of how you normally interact with your female acquaintances. Whether your partner is already  married or unwed, I am sure you are aware of how to smartly take care of this sort of situation. Since nobles are adept at covering up their scandals. I have heard stories of how some families settle their affairs by marrying off the woman to some random man, but do you plan to do the same kind of thing to Lydia as well?”
    “Professor, I give my word to you that I have not done any shameless act against her.”
    You not completely innocent about that, thought Lydia for a bit.
    “Yes, that may be so. This is just my imagination. No, you may be considering this as dishonorable. That is why I said I may say something rude…. Ahh, let us stop now. There is no meaning for the two of us to continue talking.”
    “No, Professor, your worry is natural. But, I….”
    “I trusted Lydia, I trusted she wouldn’t be caught with your baits of sweet words and that’s why I hadn’t butted my mouth in what was going on. But if things like this happen, I cannot help but think that Lydia is still a child and her awareness is naive and that you are still too young to think about other’s positions.”
    Before she knew it, Lydia was tightening her whole body.
    No, that’s not it, it isn’t Edgar’s fault.

P. 264
    He had been trying to not get Lydia involved with Madam Eve Palace.
    Just like her father said, Lydia was just a child and she was thinking about everything too simply.
    “I need Lydia and there is no mistake that I have been open about my feelings towards her, but to be described that I try to bait her with sweet-talk is disrespect. If she would become willing, I wish to…..”
    “Please don’t say anything more. I don’t want to hear it and don’t want to think about it. It is difficult for me to trust you.”
    Edgar went silent.
    To bring up such a topic in this situation was just going to backfire.
    There was silence for a while, but then her father opened his mouth as if he had grown tired.
    “Please let Lydia take rest from work.”
    “What does that mean?”
    “I will return her to Scotland. Lord Earl, is Lydia facing danger only as a fairy doctor?”
    Edgar was troubled with how to answer and when she thought he was about to agree to her father’s proposal, Lydia was unable to remain in her spot any further.
    She didn’t think before dashing down the stairs.
    “Father, you’re wrong. It wasn’t Edgar’s fault. I went on my own to the Palace!”
    Lydia’s legs were about to wobble underneath her and she nearly fell down, but her father rushed to steady her.

P. 265
    “I am so sorry. I was the one who is to blame. I was made to wear that weird outfit by a fairy and it had nothing to do with Edgar. Edgar was trying to send me back home, but when I found out that there was an evil fairy, I decided on my own that it was my job and stayed there.”
    Lydia desperately appealed to her father.
    “Edgar did nothing wrong. So don’t accuse him. Please….”
    “Ahh, all right, Lydia. But now you should acknowledged that you are still inexperienced, haven’t you? Even if you continue your job as a fairy doctor, if you are going to put people through worry and cause them trouble, you’re still a child.”
    And then he turned towards Edgar.
    “My lord, you would think the same, wouldn’t you? You would want Lydia to grow up a bit more, and then work for you.”
    Edgar looked like he was thinking that over and gazed over to Lydia sadly, and he appeared like he was having difficulty in coming up with an objection to her father’s suggestion.
    Lydia walked over towards Edgar. Her mind was in chaos. She was emotional unbalanced and didn’t know what she was crying about.
    She only knew that she was terribly frightened to be told that she was unneeded by Edgar.
    “Edgar, you don’t need me anymore? Are you saying that I should go home? Well, yes, I am inexperienced. And I caused you trouble. If Kelpie wasn’t there, then everything wouldn’t have turned out all right, and the jewel had ended up being broken. But I did my best. …..Don’t say you don’t need me.”

P. 266
    “Lydia……”
    His fingers brushed against Lydia’s cheek and dried away her tears. She didn’t feel like it was wrong to have him do that.
    “Professor, I have the feeling like Miss Carlton isn’t that much of a child,” interrupted the duchess as she quietly came down the stairs.
    “There are endless numbers of adults who become so concentrated with their work that they are unable to pay any attention to other things.”
    Her father was exactly that sort of person and he scratched his head in not knowing what to say.
    The duchess kindly smiled over to Lydia and Edgar.
    “Lord Earl, what will you do?”
    He looked over to Lydia, who was peering up to him nervously and he loosened up the tightness in his cheeks like he was relieved and took her hand into his.
    “If I don’t have you with me, I’m sure to go wrong.”
    Maybe because she was relieved, Lydia felt the strength go out of her body. As she leaned up against Edgar’s arm, she started to think that maybe she might have said something that was completely out of place. 
     It’s because of my headache, that’s right. Right now I’m not in a normal state of mind.
    “I would feel bad if Miss Carlton’s fever came back again. Lord Earl, would you mind letting her get some rest?”

P. 267

P. 268
    “Yes, excuse me, Professor.”
    Her father nodded back in a somewhat dazed manner, and Edgar offered his arm to Lydia and helped her walk up the stairs.


    “Were you trying to make the earl agree that Miss Carlton should go back to Scotland? That is quite malicious for you Professor.”
    The duchess giggled like she found it hilarious.
    Carlton slumped his head in self-loathe.
    “Anyone would become malicious. To have your own daughter cry like that, it’s like I’m the villain.”
    “For a man and woman who have fallen in love, it’s natural for the father to become the villain. But you should know that from your own experience.”
    “That’s…..quite an earache.”
    He was someone who had eloped and married his wife and was prepared to fall into the position where he wouldn’t be able to complain anything about who Lydia chose, but he realized that unexpectedly, he wasn’t able to accept his defeat with grace.
    But, fallen in love? Lydia and the Earl? Carlton thought he couldn’t acknowledge that.
    “The Earl just sees Lydia as different and not the same type that he is used to meeting.”
    “That may be true. For now.”
    For now, huh.

P. 269
    "I apologize for ruining it even though you came to me for advice in how to make her end her job in working for the earl as peacefully as possible.”
    “No, I was unable to back myself out of what I was saying, I might have nearly gone and seriously hurt Lydia’s feelings.”
    As Carlton said that, he looked over to the stairs that the earl was walking down.
    The young man didn’t stay long in Lydia’s bed chamber and seeing as he came back down quickly, it could be interpreted that he was paying his respects to her welfare. 
    This was a country where the average height was different according to the classes. Normally, nobles were all thin and smart, but he was exceptionally different.
    If it was a normal young woman, there was no way that she wouldn’t become dazed if he were to approach her, and Lydia should share the same sense as any other young woman.
    I want to be with someone like father, she says?
    It wasn’t like he completely believed her words, but Carlton couldn’t help but think that that was just an illusion.

***

P. 270
    It was three days later when Lydia fully recovered and returned to work at her office at the Ashenbert mansion.
    To tell the truth, the more Lydia’s health recovered, the more she was filled with regret at the extremely selfish and childish things she said to Edgar. 
    Remembering at what she said: don’t say you don’t need me, was enough to make her twist and turn in embarrassment.
    She wondered if Edgar remembered what she said. She hoped that he excused it as blabbering nonsense from a recovering, sick patient.
    Anyhow, it was a bother to commute to work because of what she said, but her work should be pilling up by now, and after she defended Edgar so much like that, she wasn’t able to tell her father that she didn’t want to go to work, so she left her house for work as energetically as possible.
    However, after Lydia had locked herself in her office, she let out a heavy sigh.
    “Young Miss, you shouldn’t wear such light and thin clothing like that again.”
    The Coblynau spoke to her in a nonchalant tone.
    “The Earl had also remarked that he had no intention of forcing his tastes of fashion onto you.”
    Oh, and just when the cause of all the problems was because of you little fairy.

P. 271
    “Oi, Lydia, take a look at this.”
    Nico held out the newspaper for her to see.
    Just as usual, Nico had arrived to the Ashenbert mansion earlier than she did, and was enjoying his cup of tea served by Tomkins. 
    Before she knew it, it seemed like the Coblynau had become his tea-drinking friend as well.
    “What is it, another ridiculous gossip article?”
    “It’s the Times.”
    She walked over to Nico and inspected one side of the newspaper he handed to her and read the largely printed words of ‘Daydream’ on it.
    Lydia couldn’t help but inspect it.
    Eight years ago, there was an one-hundred caret jewel that belonged to the Royal Family that was burglarized while being transported from Rome to England, this diamond, ‘Daydream,’ was apparently delivered to the Buckingham Palace.
    In the letter delivered along with it, a confession was written from the culprit who stole the jewel during that transportation, and it read that the culprit had a personal grudge against the Duke of Sylvainford who was entrusted with the duty and responsibility to bring back the diamond to England. 
    In the article, the culprit’s identity remained a mystery, but Lydia spotted a completely different article in the corner of the paper, about the news Marquis Barkston’s death due to an accident.
    An explosion while he was cleaning his hunting rifle? That was impossible.
    When the marquis made his escape with the white diamond, even Raven and Ermine didn’t hunt after him.

P. 272
    Perhaps Edgar had already made a bargain with the marquis. 
    It might have not been a cute little thing like a trade. Edgar would position himself higher than others, get ahold of their weakness, take control over them and knew how to make them do as he wanted.
    When he controlled people, most likely, he turns himself into a king, or a god.
    Not only did the marquis return the diamond, but if he also took his own life, and Edgar - who caused the man to go that far - might really be a different person from who Lydia knew.
    She wondered if it was a good idea for her to remain here.
    However, Lydia thought in the corner of her mind that that wasn’t the real Edgar.
    “Good morning, Lydia.”
    Oh, lord, he’s here!
    Since Nico made her look at this article, she wasn’t able to put on her normal face that she had been practicing all morning long, and so Lydia turned around with an expression that obviously revealed that she was taken aback to see him.
    “Are you feeling well now?” he asked.
    “Y-yes…” she replied.
    He came unnecessarily right up next to her, and took her hands into his much more casual than he usually did.
    “It was so much pain that I couldn’t see you for so long.”
    We met three days ago.

P. 273
    “Let me see your face more closely.”
    He softly combed her hair to the sides and the palm of his hand rested against her cheek.
    Wait a minute; he sure isn’t holding himself back than he usually does today?
    But when he narrowed his ash mauve eyes and gave her a gentle, warm smile, Lydia didn’t know how to respond.
     “My Lydia, thank you for coming back.”
    “Y-you’re welcome.”
    She was so embarrassing, that she turned her eyes away.
    “When you said that you wanted to stay by my side, do you know how happy you made me?”
    Oh, he did remember. Or more like, this man would never let that kind of remark fly by.
    He pulled Lydia’s hand he was holding towards his body and wrapped his arms around her, which made Lydia go stiff and send her into disarray.
    He placed his arms around Lydia’s waist and peered down to her intimately close. She didn’t know how she should respond, and didn’t want to touch his body as much as possible, so she was only able to hold onto his morning coat.
    “I never said that I wanted to be by your side.”
    She caught the smell of a freshly washed shirt.
    When Lydia realized that, she wasn’t aware that the fragrance of dried chamomile potpourri she used for herself would transfer onto him.

P. 274
    “But that was what you meant, didn’t it?”
    “No…..”
    He wasn’t mistaken, but he was wrong.
    “We’re finally share love for each other. We need to hurry and make our engagement official and press the preparations for our marriage.”
    Oh, this is bad. If she allowed him get carried on, then it wouldn’t be long before he made a barrier wall around her so she wasn’t give any way to escape. Lydia fell into a panic and put all her strength in pushing him away.
    “You’re wrong, I still had work left over as a fairy doctor, so I couldn’t allow myself to go back to Scotland, that’s all! I-I wasn’t being my normal self at that time. My temperature had just gone down and my head was feeling drowsy and I was emotional unstable and I don’t really remember what I had really said at that time….”
    “You don’t remember? That you said you wanted to marry me and cried to your father that if he didn’t allow our marriage, then you would elope with me. You already offered me your lips, so you won’t be able to find another man to marry you….”
    “I would never say such a thing like that!”
    “See, you do remember.”
    Oh, I can’t take this anymore.
    “…..I never allowed you my lips. You were the one who said that wasn’t a kiss.”
    “I see. So next time I find an opportunity, I won’t hold back.”

P. 275
    She thought her fever might come back again.
    Edgar snickered at Lydia who turned bright red, and guided her to a chair. 
    “I’m sorry, please don’t get angry. It wasn’t like I was teasing you.”
    His next move is to try and act all modest?
    “At that time, when you defended me and said I wasn’t to blame, I wanted to believe that perhaps, maybe, even for a little bit, that my one-sided feelings for you wasn’t one-sided.”
    He made himself appear lonely and deserted in order to catch her attention.
    “Was it my complete imagination? If it wasn’t, then at least, would you forgive me and allow me to kiss a lock of your hair.”
    I’m not going to be tricked by something like that….
    Even as Lydia thought that, she remained still even as Edgar, who was peering down into her eyes, had scooped up a palm of her hair.
    When his lips didn’t touch her hair but touched the hairline of her forehead, she knew she was tricked, but when he gave her a happy smile he still looked a little lonely, so she decided not to make a fuss about it anymore.
    He should have achieved his goal just as he hoped, but to Lydia’s eyes, Edgar appeared hurt and painful the more he fought.
    “I saw Jean.”
    At Lydia’s sudden remark, Edgar tilted his head to the side slightly.

P. 276
    “Inside the black diamond, a fraction of her feelings for you…. She must have really loved you. And that wasn’t because you had taken control over her heart or didn’t force her to take her life, but just simply because, even though she was so young, she wanted to protect the person she loved.”
    He smiled, in a lonely, but peaceful way. Lydia felt her heart thump a loud beat, but she continued on so that it wouldn’t distract her attention.
    “And another thing, about Jimmy, I’m sorry I didn’t realize about him even though I am a fairy doctor.”
    “I should have been the one to realize it. But to tell you the truth, I was relieved that he wasn’t a helpless child who was captured by Ulysses.”
    Putting that aside, Lydia felt honestly relieved that the reason the young boy had been picking a fight with her was because he was working for Ulysses.
    But just because he pricked at what she had a complex about and that resulted in her not being able to make a rash decision, proved that she was an inexperienced fairy doctor and take some time to reflect about that.
    “Slade and other members of the Scarlett Moon were all caught in the magic spell of the fairy and claimed that they thought the young boy had been with them for a long time, so I think that means we need to be more careful. At any rate, the reason we were taken advantage of was because our alliance was weak, but thanks to him, sort of speak, we will be able to step up and compromise to each other from now on.”
    “But Edgar, the thing I’m a little bothered about is even though the black diamond is gone, there still is a chance the Nightmare spirit is still alive. There are times when creatures born from a jewel that stowed up power would continue to live on as a spirit.”

P. 277
    “Does Ulysses also know about that?” asked Edgar.
    “Yes, I’m sure,” replied Lydia.
    “So that means, perhaps Prince’s target wasn’t the jewel itself, but the nightmare which was growing inside it.”
    The white diamond ‘Daydream’ will surely be safely stored in the Royal Family’s Jewel House. However the demon from the black diamond might fall into the hands of Ulysses. 
    “But I have my good luck fairy.”
    Again, he played around with a lock of Lydia’s hair.
    I wonder why I’m still hanging around with this person.
    When she thought hard, she realized that the incident she just went through should have been the golden chance for her to escape from Edgar.
    Just until a little while ago, there were moments when she’d wish she could return back to Scotland.
    And yet, Lydia wasted that chance on her own.
    In regards to her job, she was aware that her job was just one reason and not the whole reason. 
    Why….
    Lydia leaned her body back to retrieve her hair, but the lock of her hair that fluttered down on her chest appeared like it was longing for the touch of his hand.

P. 278
    Prince had sent Ulysses to England, and apparently tried to start building a foundation for himself in the field of magic.
    To allow Edgar to live or to kill him is probably not the most important mission for Ulysses right now.
    But if it became top priority, to go against Ulysses - who is able to control fairies - then Lydia’s help and support was going to be absolutely needed from now on. 
    But Edgar was feeling anxiety about that.
    Since he didn’t have any ability to counteract or fight with fairies and magic.
    Be dragged into a goblin’s maze or another dimension or whatever that was, the only one who was able to rescue Lydia in the end was Kelpie. 
    Fairy doctors are professionals who win the aid of fairies by constructing a trust-based relationship in order to solve all kinds of different problems. Lydia described herself as inexperienced, but she was a girl who had an alliance with a kelpie, so wouldn’t that mean she was a remarkable fairy doctor?
    As for Edgar, he felt that it wasn’t Kelpie who saved them, but in fact, it was thanks to Lydia’s knowledge and courage as a fairy doctor.
    However, it was also true that he was started to feel hesitance in continuing to rely on Lydia.

P. 279
    “Raven, do you think that I will be able to protect Lydia?”
    Edgar, who was thinking to himself alone in his office, asked Raven who happened to enter to deliver a wad of letters.
    “I don’t want to sacrifice Lydia. But I want her to stay by my side. I need her ability as a fairy doctor, but more than that, I feel at ease when she is with me. I feel I can finally peacefully breathe as never before when I’m by Lydia’s side. That’s why I didn’t stop to try anything I could so she would become mine.”
    Raven was listening in the same spot he was standing in, and was just as lost as Edgar on his feelings that Edgar himself wasn’t able to figure out.
    “Lydia gives me what I need. But then, what is it that I can give her? If I have her stay by my side, it will only bring her danger. I don’t have confidence that I can make her happy, and to begin with, there isn’t any guarantee that I’ll have a decent future ahead of me, and yet, to wish to marry her would be too selfish of me, wouldn’t it. Even if I try to convince myself that, I don’t have the courage to let her go. I don’t know what I should do.”
    Edgar gushed out all of his feelings, regardless if Raven was able to understand or not. 
    The duchess, Lady Masefield had told him when he left the Carlton house. That she had come to try and convince Edgar to let Lydia go free. But since Lydia had protested that she still wanted to work at the Ashenbert house, the duchess had convinced the professor.

P. 280
    “When I thought Lydia might have started to grow a little bit of romantic feelings towards me, I was happy but also scared. Because I realized I hadn’t been considering my responsibility as a man for Lydia all this time.”
    “Lord Edgar, I will do my fullest. I promise to protect Miss Carlton as well, so please do not sacrifice your wish.”
    At Raven’s unexpectedly reply, Edgar lifted his face up in surprise.
    “Was there ever a time when I sacrificed my own wish?”
    “Now that I think about it, there might have been a time when you did. Did you not give up falling in love with someone so that you would be able to fight? If you were to give up Miss Lydia, then that would be the same.”
    “I thought that I had romantic feelings for quite a number of women.”
    “All of them did not last long.”
    “That’s because, my affairs were brought into the light and other things happened…”
    As he said that, the reason he had been repeating the same relationship pattern, might have been because there was a part of him which felt relief when his lover would leave him.
    If that lover were to stay by his side, then something irremediable might happen.
    “Ohhh-,” breathed out Edgar, letting out a deep sigh.
    “-it might be exactly as you say.”

P. 281
    Why, the only one who isn’t able to grow up at all might be Edgar. 
    He looked down through the window to see Lydia, who had stepped out into the garden and started to pick some herbs, which made Edgar, now of all times, realize that he was starting to feel apprehensive in getting her involved.

End of Book 5