「Return: Chapter 10
“I can’t believe it……Seriously?” As he began to speak again, a single tear fell from the corner of his black, beautiful eye and trickled down his cheek. I didn’t know how much time had passed.
“I wanted to see you……Why hadn’t I confirmed your real name and contact address from the nurse at Chigasaki Hospital? I regretted not doing this for a long time. I thought I’d be satisfied just knowing that you existed in this world. But I couldn’t hold back my feelings of wanting to see you. I just had a dream about you recently. You held me in my dream. And now you’re still here even when I’m awake. I didn’t think such happiness could exist. When I woke up from my dream, I was seized by despair and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I want to see you… I want to see you. Was the only thought going through my head. Till dawn, I spent the rest of the night wishing only to see you.”
“……….I knew it. This is only a dream,” Suzuki gave a crooked smile and set his empty glass down on the table.
This is real though, I thought, feeling sad and clinging to his arm. Then he placed his hand on top of my hand and smiled kindly at me.
“You’re not being hypnotized right now, so why do you say only the words I wish to hear?”
“This is….this isn’t a dream……!”
Unable to stand it anymore, I set my glass down on the table and embraced Suzuki.
“……I knew it. This is a dream,” Suzuki chuckled and hugged me back. His voice in my ear brought tears to my eyes.
“This isn’t a dream.”
Why didn’t he believe me? I felt like I was going to cry now, but his powerful embrace stopped my tears.
“This isn’t a dream,” I repeated.
“Mhm. This isn’t a dream,” Suzuki agreed with me and hugged me tighter.
Aah…I can be in his arms again. Tears filled my eyes different from just a while ago. There was a mountain of things I wanted to tell him, but right now, rather than exchanging words, I wanted our bodies to touch. I prayed for that and hugged him tighter.
It seemed my feelings had reached him perfectly, because our hearts were facing each other, and the moment he whispered into my ear, he pushed me down on the sofa.
“……Is it cramped……?” Suzuki said as he came down on top of me and covered my lips with his own.
Desire quickly arose in me, the moment I felt the soft sensation of his lips.
This wasn’t his dream form. This was the actual him. A cry almost escaped my lips as he kissed me. Suzuki kissed me more deeply as if taking in that cry. His tongue broke through my two rows of teeth and licked inside my mouth. He immediately located my tongue and firmly coiled his own around it. I jumped when he started tightly sucking on it and opened my eyes just a crack to see Suzuki narrow his eyes in a smile and slowly lower his hand. He began to undress me while we kissed, but because I was feeling impatient, I suddenly started acting on my own. I stretched out my hands and began to unbutton Suzuki’s shirt.
Suzuki widened his eyes in surprise.
I wanted him more than I wanted to confirm with my own hands that he actually existed.
This warmth. This feel of his smooth, bare skin. This beautiful feel of his skin as it glistened with sweat from the light in the room. I had missed all of this. I loved all of this. His hand will slide over my skin with gentle caresses, sometimes rough. I felt like I was going to come just by imagining this. I was becoming too aggressive, because I was drunk with euphoria. When I tried to pull back my hands, because I suddenly felt shy, Suzuki grasped my hands.
“……I want to undress you, but we’re pressed for time, so let’s undress together,” he said, interrupting our kiss, and my desire grew more and more from these words, so I just nodded, unable to say anything. We got up and began to undress. I tried to unbutton my shirt, desperately trying to control my shaking fingers, but I couldn’t quite do it.
“I’ll help you with that.”
Already done taking off his clothes, Suzuki chuckled as he stretched out his hands towards me. He stripped my clothes off of me fast, as if by magic. Then he pushed me down on the sofa again; this time I was naked. He buried his face in my neck and started to firmly suck on my skin. It hurt, because it felt like he was biting me, but pleasure dominated the pain. Suzuki’s hand crawled over my chest and began to pluck at my nipple.
A gasp escaped my lips, and my skin began to feel hot. My heart was already beating so fast it echoed in my head like a ringing in my ears.
Suzuki ferociously tormented my nipple as he brought his face down from my neck to my chest and took my other nipple into his mouth. After making it erect by licking it with his tongue, he lightly bit on it. I was in absolute excitement from his persistent touches and couldn’t help to loudly cry out. Finally, Suzuki brought his lips down from my chest to my stomach. He took hold of my legs and lifted me up, raising my hips in the air. Then he grabbed the fleshy parts surrounding my anus and spread it wide open. The moment I felt an empty cool feeling down there, Suzuki buried his face in.
“No! ……….It’s dirty……!”
He inserted his tongue inside my anus as he held it open with his fingers. He licked the top of my soft insides making me twist my hips with enthusiasm.
Before long, one of his fingers went inside along with his tongue.
It began to feel out of place, because it had been a while since his finger had dug deep inside me.
I groaned lightly, my legs open in an awkward position, like a frog being dissected. Suzuki raised his face from between my legs to talk.
“You didn’t let anyone touch you here, did you? I’m happy.”
There’s no one that I will let touch me. There’s no one besides you who I want to let touch me and who I think can touch me.
I wanted to let him know that, but he began wiggling his finger inside me, so my voice was lost among my gasps.
“Ah! ……No……! ……Ah…….!”
One finger became two fingers until finally, a third finger went inside. His three fingers touched what seemed to be my prostate gland, making me feel a strong urge of excitement I couldn’t control, and in turn, I couldn’t help but cry out like an animal.
“I want it……! …….Aah…….! Hurry……..! ……….Hurry, I want it………!”
I wanted his thick cock to fill the throbbing inside of me.
Before I knew it, I was thrusting out my hips, begging for him to put it in. Suddenly, I felt a small breeze down there.
Startled, I opened my eyes that I hadn’t even known were closed.
At that moment, Suzuki fixed his grip on my legs and pressed his erect cock on my anus. My body shook with pleasure, and I let out a cry full of emotion. Suzuki narrowed his eyes, smiling happily at my reaction and thrust his hips further inside.
“Aah!” I let out a loud cry, because the feel of it was incomparable to a finger. It felt out of place, but pleasure exceeded that, because I had finally gotten the thing I had been tired of waiting for.
“You’re tight…” Suzuki muttered as he continued to move his hips further inside until his legs connected with mine.
Suzuki’s cock pierced in so deep that it felt like my intestines rose. Just from that, I couldn’t help but feel happy.
“I’m going to move,” Suzuki announced and then began to slowly move in rhythm. His motions gradually grew faster, intensifying. Before I knew it, I was reaching orgasm.
“Ahh……! Ah! ……Ah! ……Aahh!”
The place our bodies connected, my skin, and even my breath felt so hot that it burned, and I couldn’t help but want to release that heat. It became so hot that even my brain seemed to boil, and by now, my ability to think had become zero.
I want to come.
But it will be a waste to come now.
I’ve always wanted to experience an orgasm together with him.
As I struggled with these conflicting thoughts, he was the one who released me. He let go of one of my legs, grasped my dripping, erect cock and drew it through his hand once.
“AAH……!” I immediately came, unable to resist this direct stimulus, leaving milky white fluid in his hand.
Immediately after that, he positioned himself like he was looming over me. I felt something drip inside of me, and I knew that he had also come. With this, my chest welled up with passionate feelings.
I had been reunited with him.
He actually existed, as I had thought.
And he wants me as well.
This is like a dream.
I was scared that if I closed my eyes this would really become a ‘dream’, so I dared to keep my eyes open and look up at ‘him’ – at Suzuki.
“I like you…….I love you,” he said in a whisper and slowly brought his beautiful face close to mine.
I wasn’t sure if I could answer. The lump forming in my throat had robbed me of my voice, so I just accepted Suzuki’s lips as they came down on my own, and for a moment, got drunk on the kiss with him for he let me feel ultimate happiness.
* * * *
“Are you alright?”
It seemed that I had fainted after coming twice in a row. I opened my eyes when I felt him patting my cheek and saw a plastic bottle of mineral water being held out before me.
“Do you want to drink?”
I hadn’t even noticed when he had moved me to the bed. It was a small, twin size-bed. When I looked around the room, I saw that it wasn’t large, and the simple, furniture-less interior reminded me of the room in Karuizawa where I had been imprisoned. As Suzuki helped me sit up and supported my back, I drank the water out of the plastic bottle. I drank the entire thing almost in one go and let out a great sigh.
“Do you want to drink some more?” he asked. I shook my head no, so Suzuki took the empty plastic bottle out of my hand and showed me a smile.
“Should we talk a little?”
Talking……the outcome of our conversation would probably cause us a burden. If we were to separate right now, we would be apart again without knowing if this had been a dream or reality. I felt that perhaps to me, and to him, this was the best path to take. We would continue living with this memory while treasuring each other in our hearts. The feeling that we could never meet will make our hearts grow fonder eternally, and our love would never disappear from our hearts.
That would be an ideal love from one standpoint. Actually, in the past, I had wanted to choose this path. However, there is no way a beautiful, dream-like memory could surpass the reality. This was my realization.
No matter what I heard now and no matter what regrets I might have, hearing what he had to say should be much better than living with the thought of never seeing him again. I gazed back at Suzuki with this thought in my heart. I knew Suzuki felt my decision. He nodded at me and began to speak slowly as if he were carefully choosing his words.
“……I fell in love with you many years ago. You frequented a bar called ‘S’ in Kichijoji. I also used to go there. I gazed at you from the end of the counter.”
Although I had made up my mind to accept anything, I was still confused to hear this unexpected thing and inadvertently exclaimed a little. I certainly had frequented that bar in Kichijoji. One night, I had been severely drunk and entered that bar on accident. There were practically no people in there, so I came to like the quiet atmosphere, and from then on, I often began to go there. It seemed that because the inside of the bar was so dim, you couldn’t see the customer’s faces very well. In the corner, at the counter way back in the store, I remembered that a young man certainly had sat there.
No, did I remember?
Usually, I had been over drinking and had been short on sleep when I stopped by that bar, so I didn’t remember much of what happened there. I looked back at him in a daze, thinking, don’t tell me we met at that bar! Then, Suzuki gave me a somewhat complicated smile.
“You don’t remember, as I had thought. But that’s natural, since we’ve never talked. I only boldly gazed at you. But somewhere in my heart, I was hoping that my gaze had reached you, and you had noticed me. I believed that’s exactly why you had always come to that bar……”
I couldn’t say a word to Suzuki as he hanged his head. I feared that I would hurt him further if I apologized. When I also lowered my head, I sensed that Suzuki looked up, and so with that, I also looked up and saw that he was looking straight back at me as he spoke.
“My chance came when I saw you having an anemic attack at the train station. I felt sorry for you, but even though you were feeling sick, I was excited at this opportunity to talk to you. Yet you treated me as if I were a complete stranger. Even though in my mind, I knew this was natural, my feelings did not catch up with this. When I was forced to realize that you had been completely ignoring me the whole time we had sat at that bar, my mind went blank. So…….”
“……….You……hypnotized me?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but this time it was my mind that had gone blank.
“Yes.” Again, Suzuki gave a somewhat complicated smile and nodded. “I did it completely out of selfish resentment. Of course I realized this, and yet, I couldn’t hold back my urge to do it. I cursed you for not having even a fragment of a memory of me! It was your punishment…that’s what I told myself. It was a terrible thing to think……No, the word ‘terrible’ wouldn’t even cut it.”
A wry smile that had suddenly appeared on Suzuki’s lips vanished just as suddenly putting a serious look on his face.
“You can call the police. I will, of course, give myself up to the police.”
Of course I didn’t wish to call the police or even have the thought itself. So I was dazed. When I said the word ‘police’, Suzuki nodded.
“I was prepared for my arrest when I found out that your boss began to investigate me. At first, I thought about disappearing off to Germany. I already had a place to work over there. And yet, I found it hard to leave your side, so I kept postponing my voyage. But I really hadn’t expected for you to come here to see me tonight, because I thought either your boss, who had made that request to the investigation firm, or the police, who your boss had probably reported me to, would come here.” Suzuki fixed his gaze at me and had a look like he wanted to say something.
Even though he had been speaking so smoothly, why was he faltering now?
My own voice sounded terribly far away when I asked.
“……I’ve revealed everything to you. Now that you’ve heard it, tell me……”
“……?” I peered into Suzuki’s face as he fell silent again.
“……I wonder…if you don’t feel disgusted……” He had his head down as he said these words in a voice so small that it was barely audible.
“Disgusted……” I repeated after him, once again, completely not holding such feelings in my heart. Then Suzuki said in a voice just scarcely stronger than a whisper.
“I’m scared that you’ll hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
I felt as if the fog inside my head had cleared up all at once. My voice sounded loud within the room when I firmly said this.
It seemed that my loud voice had even surprised Suzuki, and he let out a suppressed sigh after widening his eyes.
“This is like a dream. Really……” Suzuki said dreamily, his beautiful eyes growing misty, and I couldn’t look away from the twinkling light in his eyes. “Even when I revealed everything to you, I managed not to lose you. I didn’t think it would be possible for this to happen in real life.”
I felt the light in Suzuki’s eyes gradually grow stronger.
“I will never let you go again.”
Before I knew it, he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me close to him. His eyes disappeared from my view as he pressed me to his chest.
“I will never let you go again……”
I heard his beautiful, baritone voice whisper dreamily into my ear. A light, musky scent began to rise. I closed my eyes, inhaling that scent of the cologne he was wearing. The scene of the dimly lit bar crossed my mind.
The counter where I had always sat.
The reticent bartender appeared before my eyes.
And……siting on a stool in the depths of the bar, a young man.
That man had a beauty mark by the mouth.
“……Ah……” I exclaimed. I remembered, I thought, trying to pull away from him. I tried to tell Suzuki that I had remembered, but the very next moment, doubt arose in me, so I buried my face in his shirt again.
“I love you……No matter what happens, I won’t let you go again,” Suzuki whispered this again in my ear and hugged me tightly. Maybe he had read my thoughts. For an instant, fear crossed my mind, but I didn’t think to leave his arms. Perhaps the scene I had just imagined had been a memory forged by Suzuki. He said that he had revealed everything, but perhaps there was a chance that everything was actually his creation.
The result of the investigation had, without a doubt, shown that Suzuki is a doctor and revealed his real name. It was certain that he existed, but it was still unknown whether my relationship with him was real or made up.
“I don’t want us to be apart……”
Even if everything was his – the man who called himself ‘Suzuki’ – creation, I didn’t mind.
Because I will continue to long for him, I thought, a smile spreading on my face as I hugged him tightly.
“I love you,” Suzuki said dreamily in his beautiful voice. His intoxicating voice rang in my ear, and he bit my earlobe.
I jumped, even though I thought I had already reached my limit.
“You still want it?” He chuckled, embarrassing me. Nevertheless, I relaxed my arms around him and willingly accepted Suzuki’s lips as they came down on my own in a kiss. The simple kiss finally changed into a violent kiss when we started sucking each other’s tongues.
“Ngh……! ……Mmm……!” I gasped, unable to control myself as he coiled his tongue around mine so much that it hurt. Suzuki slowly pushed me down on the bed again.
He began to rub my nipples that were already crimson in color from being licked and touched so much. A jolt of excitement ran up my back, and I inadvertently twisted my hips, but I had no more power left in me to hold him. Even my voice was becoming hoarse when I gasped in-between our kiss.
I couldn’t do this anymore, I shook my head, but Suzuki didn’t listen.
“Didn’t I say I won’t let you go again?” He said with a smile after pressing his lips to mine with a kiss and then brought his face to my chest.
He began sucking on my nipple, and at the same time began firmly pinching my other nipple. I arched my back backwards from the intense sensation that came from both my nipples.
I felt my limp cock slightly pulsate.
“See……?” It’s okay, isn’t it? Laughing, Suzuki looked up from my chest looking like he wanted to say this and then looked down again and bit my nipple.
He crushed it with his teeth, and my cock pulsated again. Suzuki was quick to notice when it began to take form. At the same time he shot me a glance and a smile, he got up to bury his face in my lower region.
He took my cock into his mouth as he firmly held my legs. The moment I felt the hot inside of his mouth, I felt myself become excited. Suzuki coiled his tongue around the tip of my cock and stuck the tip of his tongue into my urethra.
My cock trembled and instantly grew hard. At the same time, my anus began twitching violently in expectation of Suzuki’s thrusts. I almost closed my legs to control myself from twisting my hips, but Suzuki prevented me from doing that and reached behind me as he continued devouring my frontal region. He inserted his finger and began to violently twist it inside of me.
“No……! ……Ah! …… Aah……!”
The place his cock had been in just a while ago rejoiced at his finger and twitched even more.
“Do you want it?” Suzuki looked up and smiled as he continued blowing me. I shook my head yes, losing all sense of myself.
Suzuki narrowed his eyes in a smile again as he continued blowing me and groping around behind me with his finger. He was still not giving me the thing I ‘wanted’.
“No…..! ……Ah! ……Aah……!”
I expected to have already reached my limit, but my cock was completely hard again, and I felt like I was going to come any second.
“I can’t……! ……Aah……! ……I can’t……!”
Hurry, I want it.
Still losing all sense of myself, I stretched out my hand and grabbed Suzuki’s hair.
Perhaps it hurt him, because Suzuki raised his head and looked at me.
“Hurry……!” I cried out, unable to stand it anymore, and Suzuki looked up at me, narrowed his eyes in a smile and then finally released me from his mouth and rose himself up.
My erect cock felt a little cold, being exposed to the air. Pre-cum came out from the tip and trickled down my penis.
I pleaded that I was tired of waiting and looked up at Suzuki with expectation.
“I know.” Suzuki suddenly laughed and then lowered the fastener of his slacks and took out his erect cock.
Inadvertently, a sigh of admiration escaped my lips. Suzuki chuckled at this, and now of all times, I began feeling embarrassed thinking that perhaps I was getting greedy.
“No……!” I looked away, burying my face into the sheets.
“You mean yes, don’t you?” Suzuki chuckled again and then grabbed my legs again. The moment he pressed the hot mass on my anus, my mind went blank.
I want it.
I spread out my arms and legs, trying to welcome Suzuki.
“Didn’t I say I won’t let you go again?”
My heart echoed inside my head like a ringing in my ears. I heard Suzuki’s sweet, dreamy voice over that noise.
I won’t let you go. A chill ran up my spine, but right at that moment, the tip of Suzuki’s cock entered inside me.
My soft insides contracted violently and called him in deeper and deeper. Before I could wrap my legs and arms around Suzuki, he began to quickly move. After he had plunged it in, he quickly began to violently fuck me.
“Ah! ……Aah! ……AH! AH! AAH!”
I felt myself heading towards an orgasm from the powerful rhythm of his thrusts. I didn’t have the energy to even gasp anymore. Just a while ago, reaching orgasm again had seemed unreal to me, but my body was in a fever, and I felt blood powerfully begin moving through my veins.
“I can’t! ……Aah……! ……I can’t……! ……I can’t…..!”
The rhythmic thrusts went on and on. Breathing began to hurt, since I kept gasping each time his cock pierced deep inside me, yet I was unable to feel it go in and out, because I lost all feeling in my anus. I knew I was in the final moment between pleasure and pain. Even though I desired to be connected to him forever, it was hard to throw away my wish to come and get relief, so I was confused about what I wanted to do.
Meanwhile, Suzuki continued his rhythm and kept trying to make me head towards climax.
“I can’t……! ……Aah……! ……I can’t……! ……I can’t……!”
Please, I begged, my voice sounding far away as I remembered the day he had first held me. At first it had felt like rape. It had hurt so much that I lost consciousness. But it didn’t take long before being held by him began to give me pleasure.
Please, already! Those words I had said many times when I had done it with him, but I felt like the innumerable amount of times I had said those words had been because I wanted him to stop, because it hurt.
But the ‘please’ of right now did not in the slightest mean that I wanted to be released from pain. I wanted us to come together. That was my only wish. I thought this as I opened my eyes that I didn’t even know were closed and looked up at Suzuki.
“I won’t let you go……”
I wasn’t sure I heard Suzuki say this, but I was sure his lips had mouthed that. It felt like that to me.
Being caught in his arms and exhausting our desire.
What a charming future that would be! I thought and nodded, smiling.
Let’s go there together! I screamed inside my mind.
Could he hear me?
Suzuki was smiling, looking not at all out of breath. Then, as he continued moving his hips, he let go off one of my legs, grasped my cock and drew it through his hand once.
It was as if he had squeezed out the semen and a little bit of milky white fluid flew out the tip.
After Suzuki gulped, he slowly came down on top of me.
“……I won’t let you go. Never again. Yes, for all eternity……”
Because the light on the ceiling was behind him, I couldn’t see his facial expression at all right now. But surely his eyes were twinkling, and I imagined that he had a smile on his beautiful, fair face that showed his happiness. Gasping from being out of breath, I hugged him tightly, pulling him close to me.
“I love you……” Suzuki whispered the words I desired and pressed his hot lips to my cheek in a kiss.
I love you, I thought, hugging him, but a thought crossed my mind.
How could I be okay with this when I still had doubts?
The feelings I held towards Suzuki….were they really my own?
Perhaps even these feelings had been created by him.
The voice inside my head warned me. And at that moment, Shirai’s face suddenly appeared in my mind.
He had showed me sympathy and had been concerned about me over many things. I knew perfectly well that returning his feelings would have been the right path for a person to take, because by choosing that path, the future would clearly be filled with happiness, since he always did so much for me. Nevertheless, the one I chose had not been Shirai, but this man.
As I hugged him ever so tightly, he – the man who called himself Suzuki – whispered words of love into my ear as he bit my earlobe.
“……I love you. I’ll never ever let you go.”
The words ‘I’ll never ever let you go’ that he kept saying were so beautiful and yet so dangerous. His voice that contained laughter also brought on a sense of danger. But I was already prepared to dive into that danger.
“I love you. We won’t be apart anymore. Absolutely never.”
I probably had no choice but to quit my job. First, I had to ask Shirai not to disclose the results of the investigation. But would I really ever see Shirai again? Wasn’t I already imprisoned in Suzuki’s arms?
“……I love you……”
Occasionally, waves of danger swept over me.
But this was the heart I had chosen, I thought. Suzuki’s heart.
Or rather, ‘his’ heart, for he didn’t want to be called by his real name for some reason. I brought my face close to his chest and returned his embrace with all my might.
* * * *
After that, I ended up quitting my job at the office. Though I wanted to see the completed project I had worked so hard on, and I did feel guilty about what had happened with Shirai, since he always had done so much for me, I couldn’t hold back my own desires. Shirai had tried to convince me not to resign, but my own intention, the intention I wanted to fulfill – to quit my job and be by ‘his’ side – came first. Now, in just a few more hours, I would be leaving Japan. I had made up my mind to depart with him to Germany where he already had a place to work.
Maybe I would regret it, but I think I could be prepared for that, because I was now reunited with him – he who had been prepared to give up on me, thinking that he had no other choice. But from experience, I learned that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
We’d never be apart anymore, because I didn’t want us to be apart.
What was really waiting for me in the future?
I didn’t know, but at the very least, I definitely knew that there was nothing else I would regret more than losing ‘him’.
And this was real to me.
Believing that, I ran behind him as we headed towards the departure gates, and inside his beautiful, kindly smiling, black eyes I saw my own image – my own face that I could clearly tell was showing the ultimate happiness. Feeling true satisfaction, I returned his smile.