Junai - Volume 1 - Chapter 7

「Return: Chapter 7

I was dreaming.

Ah…this is a dream, I realized. It was rare for me to dream. But with that realization, I was now sure that I was inside a dream world.

“Hey.”

He – Suzuki – approached me, smiling. We were inside that room I had memorized by heart. It was the room in his villa at Karuizawa in which I had been imprisoned. There were metal bars on the window glass so that I couldn’t run away. When I realized that I had no other way but to stay here, I was filled with intense happiness.

“You seem happy,” Suzuki said perhaps because it had shown on my face. Then walked up to the bed on which I was and sat down beside me.

“I am happy.”

I thought I didn’t say this clearly to Suzuki.

Convincing myself that I could be clear precisely because this was a dream, I continued speaking.

“I wanted to see you for so long. Why hadn’t I confirmed your name? Why did I think that I’d be satisfied just by knowing that you existed in this world?”

“We don’t need words in this world.”

The moment Suzuki said that, he slowly pushed me down on the bed.

“Then what do we need in this world?” My voice cooed.

“You know.”

Suzuki chuckled and pressed his lips to mine.

“Mmm……!”

It had been a while since I had tasted his lips. Tears almost spilled from my eyes upon such a gentle, moist, and soft sensation. His tongue broke through my two rows of teeth, desiring my tongue and exploring the inside of my mouth. I got turned on with just that and wrapped my legs and arms tightly around him, pulling him closer.

“You’re impatient,” he interrupted our kiss, chuckling at me. I felt embarrassed, but I was aggressive, because I knew this was inside a dream.

“‘Cause I want it.”

“Alright, I’ll give it to you soon.” So wait, he said and got up. Before I knew it, we were nude, and inadvertently, I laughed, thinking that dreams are convenient.

He asked me, “What’s so funny?”

“It’s ‘cause……” I started to say that I think dreams are convenient, but if I said the word dream I would probably wake up, so getting scared, I quickly closed my mouth.

“You’re strange,” he chuckled and then carried his fingers to his mouth. He slowly sucked his index finger as he stared down at me. From this viscous gaze, from those red lips licking those fingers, a shiver ran up my spine, and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Hurry……!”

I stretched out my arms, trying to bring him close.

“If I don’t prepare you, it will hurt.” He shook his head no, perhaps meaning to tease me or perhaps truly meaning to be kind.

“That’s fine……!”

I wanted him to hurry. In front of my eyes, was his thick cock with shining black hair. Ah…I missed it. Being pierced by that cock. How long had it been since I had come to know of that utmost joy?

Hurry, hurry. My feelings intensifying, I lay there with my legs spread wide open in an inviting pose.

“You’re a naughty boy, aren’t you?” he said as he inserted his wet fingers inside me, perhaps finally turned on himself.

“Ngh……!”

It had been a very long time since I allowed anything to go in there. But because dreams are convenient, it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all, and his finger didn’t just go in, it went in deep. My soft insides began to twitch.

“You’re very lewd, aren’t you?”

“No……!”

I pouted in that cooing voice from before, because he was being mean. I thought I was overdoing it, but it seemed that he liked it.

“See how lewd you are? When I say ‘lewd’ you get tighter.”

“Enou……enough……!”

The teasing, the fingering, I wanted it to stop already. There is something I want more, I tried to show him with words and through my actions.

“Put it in……!” I urged, grabbed the fleshy part near my anus and spread it open.

You’ll put in something bigger than a finger, right?

Hurry, hurry, please put it in.

“……Alright……” He smiled and nodded, narrowing his beautiful black eyes.

“……I’m happy……!”

I couldn’t help being excited.

Hurry then, I said, thrusting out my hips as I continued to lie there as before. Then he took out his fingers from there and instead pressed the tip of the thing I craved – that thick cock.

“Aah……!”

The moment it touched me, I felt it’s heat, and my soft walls contracted violently. Naturally, I twisted my hips.

“Remove your hands.”

I can’t come in like this, he gave a lopsided smile, and I removed my hands from my buttocks.

“I’m coming in.”

At the same time he said that, he inserted the tip of his cock all the way inside.

“Aah……!”

I was tired of waiting for this feeling. His cock went inside, aiming deeper, as he pried open my soft insides. Finally his legs connected with mine. His cock went in so deep I felt my intestines rise. For some reason, I was about to cry.

“Why are you crying?” He asked wonderingly, perhaps because I had winced.

“I’m happy……”

Even though this was a dream, I was happy that we could hold each other again. Yes. I had certainly felt that way back then too.

The next moment, my own voice echoed inside my head.

“Are you really happy? This is just a dream, you know? No one will be in your arms when you wake up. Are you really satisfied with that?”

I am satisfied, because I can’t see him in reality anyway. I desire to see him if only in my dreams. What’s so bad about that?

I was about to yell at my own voice, but my vision became distorted.

“……Wait……!”

I was waking up. I don’t want that, I thought as I tightly hugged Suzuki with my arms and legs. He was going to start fucking me. I didn’t want to wake up now! At least let us come together, I thought, holding onto him with all my might.

“I can’t move if you hold on to me so tightly, you know.”

Suzuki’s taunting voice was gradually fading.

“Wait……! Don’t go……!”

I certainly realized that his presence in my arms was quickly fading away.

“No! Wait!”

I desperately yelled, but there was no sign of him anymore. I didn’t want to accept that he was ‘gone’ already and kept my eyes tightly closed.

“No! No! NOOO!”

I violently shook my head no and waved my arms around in midair. Until just a moment ago, Suzuki had been here, naked, in my arms. I was full of regret. I was sad. I cried and screamed in my dream.

“NOOO!”

As I blindly waved my arms around, I awoke with a start.

* * * *

“……A dream……….”

I woke up sad.

My face buried in the pillow, I realized that it wasn’t the one I always slept on.

“……Eh……?” I quickly sat up and looked around. I was in an unfamiliar, dim room. As I squinted, I understood where I was. “……The……hospital room……”

This was definitely the room at the Chigasaki Hospital in which I had spent only one day last year. What was going on? As my head spun with confusion, the door opened with a click.

“You awake?”

“Ah……”

Slipping through the door into the room was Suzuki. I thought I had awoken from my dream, but it seemed that I was still in the dream world. It’s unusual to have double dreams. I didn’t think that I had such a skill. I must not wake up this time. I thought and stretched out my arms towards Suzuki.

“I want you to hold me. Right now.”

“Fufu. You’re so aggressive.”

Suzuki was wearing a white lab coat like he had been wearing that time. Wasn’t he wearing a black turtleneck and black pants in my dream just now? I was about to remember, but stopped myself, thinking that I shouldn’t. If I realized that this was a dream, I would probably wake up again. I will not lose this time, I told myself and urged him, still being just as impatient as before.

“Hold me……I didn’t let anyone do it since then. You can check,” I said and started to undress. Hadn’t I become naked in a blink of an eye just a while ago? I was about to remember the dream I had just now again, but dismissed that thought, thinking I mustn’t.

“Mhmm, let me check whether or not you’ve been swallowing other men’s dicks.”

“Dick……!?”

Had he ever said such vulgar words before? I wondered for a second, but immediately remembered that there was a time he had said such words when he had tried to excite me.

Ah…I miss it. I want to be teased by even more embarrassing words.

That plea turned into words, which spilled out of my mouth.

“I didn’t let anyone touch me. I didn’t even do it by myself. ‘Cause the only thing I want in there is your dick.”

“Fufu. This, right?”

His white lab coat undone, he lowered the zipper on his slacks and showed me that thing I craved.

“Aah……!”

I want it. I fell to my knees right in front of him. When I wrapped my mouth around his protruding cock, a raw smell spread throughout my mouth. I longed for this bitter taste that stung my tongue. Bliss filled my chest as I wholeheartedly sucked his cock, which had turned so big that it wouldn’t go in all the way into my mouth. I slurped off the pre-cum and licked that hot rod over and over. His thick, vein filled cock. I held it in my hands with affection and wrapped my mouth around the tip again. Then Suzuki’s husky voice came down on me from above.

“Got good at giving blow jobs, didn’t you? Are you practicing with someone?”

“……!”

The moment I looked up, letting him know I wouldn’t do that, Suzuki smiled.

“I’ll have to punish you for that, won’t I?”

“Ah……!”

My heart skipped a beat from those words, and my already erect cock pulsated heavily.

“Please……do it……”

Punish me. Sprawled out on the bed, I held my legs open in my hands. Suzuki chuckled, looking down at my exposed genitals.

“You mean to tell me you didn’t do it with anyone even though you’re twitching so much?”

“I didn’t……!” Really! I said but felt a perverse twitching down there just as he had said.

“Then let’s start your punishment,” Suzuki said dreamily and fell on top of me.

“Do it……Please do it……!”

I want you to hurry. I thrust out my hips with longing.

“See,” he lightly slapped my buttocks. “You’re twitching more and more. What a lewd body.”

“I’m sorry I’m so lewd……” I meekly apologized, but it simply resulted in me becoming more excited. My own words made me boil with lust more and more, and even though he didn’t touch me at all, I felt so excited that I thought I would come already.

“Please give this lewd body your…”

“Dick?” Suzuki chuckled and showed his saliva-covered cock.

I want it, I nodded and thrust out my hips again.

“I have no choice,” he gave a crooked smile and pressed the tip of his cock in there. “You’re eating me.” Just as he had pointed out, my soft insides were holding onto his cock and violently twitching around it.

“No……!” I only now felt embarrassed. As I held my legs open to both sides, he put his hands over my hands and pushed, raising my hips up off the bed. “Hurts……”

Inadvertently, I let out a moan, because it was a difficult pose to hold.

“That’s ‘cause this is your punishment.” But the next moment, sweet words slipped out of Suzuki’s mouth, and I fell into ecstasy. “I’m coming in.”

At the same time he said that, he inserted his cock. Suddenly, I had a sense of deja-vu and realized that this was the same situation that had happened in my recent previous dream. Suzuki’s face quickly started to turn blurry in front of my eyes.

“Wait……!”

Oh no. I shouldn’t have remembered, I thought, but it was too late. His powerful arms that had supported this difficult pose were no longer here, and when I waved my hands, he himself was fading away.

“Wait! Don’t go!” My yelling also gave me deja-vu.

Ah…I’m waking up, I thought and couldn’t help feeling sad. Tears spilled from my eyes.

“Wait……!”

At least hold my hand in the end, I thought, and even though I stretched out my right hand very far, I awoke with a start.

“…………”

I sat up, looked around and saw that I was in my own room at my apartment.

There are no such things as triple dreams, I thought, smiling wryly. At the same time I buried my face in my hands, tears welled up in my eyes.

I want to see you……I want to see you so much!

If only in my dreams, I thought, closing my eyes and trying to fall asleep, but the uncontrollable sobbing welling up inside me prevented that.

“Uughu……!……Uughu……!”

If the only place I could see him was in the dream world, I wouldn’t mind ever waking up again, was the thought I couldn’t hold back.

Lack of sleep will hinder my work.

The project is at its climax.

Failure would not be forgiven, so I must sleep.

I was trying to force myself to think the obvious thoughts a working adult would think, but my tears just wouldn’t stop.

I couldn’t even hold him in my dreams!

I sat there, my feelings of wanting to see him again growing stronger and continued crying until the night grew pale.

* * * *

The next morning, I looked in the mirror and became depressed, because it seemed that people would notice at first glance that I had been crying due to how extremely swollen my eyes were. I decided to hide this fact by wearing glasses and began to get ready, but felt dizzy, perhaps because I hadn’t slept much. When I arrived at the office, I drank some coffee hoping that would wake me up.

“Glasses? That’s new.”

My coworker spoke to me.

“I don’t have my contacts in,” I lied.

“You wanted to look intelligent, didn’t ya?” he teased, and I dismissed it with a smile. But even though I had deceived my coworkers, I couldn’t avoid Shirai.

“Do you have a minute?” He called me, and I went to see him.

“What’s wrong? You don’t look good. Have you been crying?”

“No, I wasn’t crying. I just didn’t get enough sleep……”

“Didn’t get enough sleep? Is something troubling you?”

“No, that’s not it……”

“……Is it because of what happened last night?” Shirai asked nervously. The dream had left such a big impression on me that only when he said this did I remember what had happened last night; that he had held my hand and I had rejected him.

“No.” I answer honestly, but perhaps Shirai thought I was just being considerate, so he was quite persistent in questioning me.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Really, it’s nothing.”

This went on for several minutes until finally Shirai said, “That’s good then.”

But it seemed that he still didn’t believe me. Nevertheless, he reluctantly stopped pursuing the question further and sent me back to work, because I guess he feared that he was putting me into a difficult situation by questioning me.

That day, I made a terrible mistake, even though I had been so insistent that ‘nothing’ was bothering me. I deleted the data that had been constructed up until now.

“Ah!” I turned pale when I realized what I had done. I looked around.

“What’s the matta?”

“Shimizu?”

All the project members came gathering towards me, probably because I had such a miserable look on my face.

“……Um……” I was scared to speak, but I had to. My voice was hoarse, and my lips quivered. Nevertheless, when I managed to report that I had deleted the data, the place was in an uproar.

“Be more reliable, eh!?’ One of the coworkers yelled at me, his face changing color.

“I- I’m sorr……!”

“I presume we got a backup, eh? How much is on there……?”

“Everythin’ we’ve worked on up till yesterday is on the server, ain’t it?”

After that, all the members ran about leaving me to myself. It wasn’t until dusk that it was confirmed that we somehow managed to lose only today’s amount of work.

“I’m really sorry.”

I apologized to every single person, getting down on my hands and knees. They were all sighing with relief.

“Anyone can make a mistake, eh?”

Don’t worry, they said these kind words to me, but I could tell from their facial expressions that they would not trust me from now on. I knew perfectly well that it had been my fault, but I still couldn’t stop feeling depressed. I myself had destroyed my relationships at work, which I had worked so hard to build. I wondered how much time it would take to restore the lost trust. From now on, it would definitely be awkward to talk to everyone. I sat there with this sinking feeling in my chest, but I knew that letting it show would be childish, so I pretended as hard as I could to be calm and passed time this way until the end of the work day. We needed to catch up on the work we had lost because of me, so I planned to stay late to finish it that day, but it wasn’t like I was told to do this. However, Shirai invited me, as well as everyone on the team, out for drinks.

“I have work to do……”

“It’s fine. It will be my treat tonight, so let’s go.”

I refused, but Shirai insisted, so I ended up going with him to the nearby yakiniku shop along with my team members, who still had ill feeling towards me.

“Boss, ya really treatin’ us tonight?”

“Yeah. Everyone worked hard today.” So drink up, Shirai said, encouraging everyone to get drinks and then ordered everyone meat.

“You eat too,” Shirai urged me, when I hesitated, not reaching for my chopsticks.

“Ah, okay.”

“Eh? Are ya not feeling well? Or are ya still worried about makin’ that mistake, ‘cause it’ll affect tomorrow’s work? It’ll be forgotten soon enough, eh?” My senior on the team, who thought I was still troubled, said to me and encouraged me to drink.

“Yea’ yea’. I made worse mistakes before.”

“Ah…ya were like a ghost that time. Shimizu’s mistake was nothin’ compared to yours.”

“Now you’re just cryin’ drunk.”

Probably because of the power of alcohol, everybody talked openly to each other. That was how it felt like.

“Ya won’t make a mistake again, eh? If we work on this important project as a team, we can do it, so don’t try to do it alone. Let’s all work together, ai’ght?”

“……Thank you.”

Hearing these kind words somehow brought me to tears.

“Hey, I wanted to say that! I’m the leader after all.” Shirai said sounding disappointed, and the place burst out with excitement.

“Oh, you ain’t got that much authority, boss!”

“Yea’, yea’! Let the boss take away all these nice things from ya.”

“The boss is payin’ for you, ya know.”

“And naturally, the cost bites, eh?”

With the pleasant atmosphere of everyone talking in unison, the drinking party ended, but the party still continued as we all went to karaoke. Pretty soon, it was the hour just before the last train, so we wrapped it up. By then, everyone’s feelings of remorse for their own past mistakes and everyone’s ill feelings towards me had completely disappeared. As we exchanged see-you-tomorrow’s in cheerful voices, we parted at the train station.

“I’ll take you home,” Shirai, standing nearby me, said, because he and I lived in the opposite directions.

“Thank you……very much.”

If Shirai hadn’t invited everyone and me out for drinks tonight, then my relationship with everyone definitely would still have been in the gutter. I deeply bowed to Shirai, who had made that disappear.

“Strike while the iron is hot, as they say. I think it’s best to openly talk it over and do it as soon as possible, if it seems like there are still ill feelings remaining.” Shirai smiled as if it were nothing and patted my shoulder making me look up. “The due date is approaching soon, and everyone is tense. Everyone is sorry that they took it out on you. They actually regret it, you know. I was just the envoy.”

“……Thank you……very much……I’m really sorry……”

Don’t worry. It’s not a big deal. The more he emphasized that, the more sorry I felt, so I bowed my head more deeply and tried to let him know how thankful and sorry I was.

“I said that’s enough already.” You’re so persistent! Shirai said jokingly, and then right the next moment, grabbed my arm.

“……Um……” I looked up, surprised by how strong his grip on me was.

“If you feel sorry, then how about you spend a little time with me?” Shirai grinned and peered into my face.

“Ah, okay……” My heart pounded, because I had a bad feeling about this. I wondered nervously where he was taking me tonight as I began walking down the shopping street after Shirai.

* * * *

It was something unexpected, but the place that Shirai took me was a kissaten that stayed open past midnight. The place was quite occupied, but everyone was absorbed in their own conversations, so it didn’t feel like they paid any attention to their surroundings. Shirai chose our seats in a secluded area and then handed me the menu.

“Let’s sober up. I think I’ll have a blended coffee.”

“Ah, then I’ll have one too……” After I told my order to the waiter, I decided I actually wanted to drink something cold. “Ah, I’m sorry. I’ll actually have an iced coffee.”

I revised and then Shirai said, “I’ll have an iced coffee too,” also changing his order. Neither Shirai nor I uttered a word until the iced coffees we had ordered quickly arrived. When the waiter bowed to us and left, Shirai finally spoke as he stuck a straw into the iced coffee.

“Say, Shimizu-kun. There’s something troubling you, isn’t there?”

“……….No……” As I shook my head, I immediately realized what Shirai was getting at and raised my eyes. “I said no, you know? It has nothing to do with last night.”

I felt that Shirai was feeling unnecessarily responsible. When I thought about what he had done for me today, I felt very sorry that I had dragged him down into such a situation, so now I desperately tried to correct his misunderstanding.

“Really. It has nothing to do with yesterday. Besides, there’s nothing bothering me in the first place. Yesterday, for some reason, I woke up from a bad dream and couldn’t sleep after that……”

A bad dream……more like a ‘good’ dream, but it would be contradictory to say you couldn’t sleep after having a ‘good dream’.

Honestly, I should have wanted to confide in him, yet I had told him a white lie. I felt bad about this.

“So,” I continued to speak, “Like I said many times, nothing is really bothering……”

“You’re not just being considerate towards me?”

Shirai wanted to make sure of this, because it seemed that he still doubted me.

“Yes. I’m not. I’m positive about this.”

I made myself firm and Shirai gazed at me for a moment before speaking, looking a little hesitant.

“Shimizu-kun……You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but you paid a visit to the Psychotherapy Department before, didn’t you?”

“Ah, yes.”

Shirai had never brought this up to me until now, but I thought that he had heard about it from someone, so I wasn’t shocked. However, the moment I heard Shirai’s next words, I was so taken aback that I froze on the spot.

“The reason being is that you went missing for ten days……….During that time, you had some kind of intoxicating experience, and even now, you’re still having side-effects……Perhaps that was the reason you went there?”

“……….N- no……”

‘Intoxicating experience’ – maybe by some people, that experience could be called ‘intoxicating’, but it could just as well be called a ‘criminal offense’ by everyone else. To me, however, it was neither a ‘crime’ nor ‘intoxication’. It was simply a dear event. Before I knew it, I had spaced out thinking about this, so then, “Shimizu-kun?” Shirai called my name and brought me back to my senses.

“Ah, I’m sorry. It has nothing to do with that time……”

“You mean to say you don’t remember much of what had happened during those ten days?”

I had tried to change the subject, but apparently, it seemed that Shirai held an interest in my disappearance and wanted to know the details.

“Yes. For the most part……”

“Were you kidnapped?”

“No, not kidnapped, more like……”

I realized I should have just said that I completely didn’t remember, but it was too late.

“Anything is fine. Won’t you tell me anything that you can remember?” I want to be your support, Shirai encouraged me, so I had no choice but to utter something and unwillingly began to say what seemed like harmless things.

“I don’t remember much, because I felt like I was in a dream, but I was probably hypnotized or something……”

“Hypnotized?”

I regretted my word choice again. Shirai began to ask me question after question, his eyes shining with great interest.

“Where did it happen?”

“Probably the train station.”

“By whom?”

“A young man. He claimed to be my elementary school classmate, but I found out later that this was actually not true……”

“How did you find out?”

“That, I……”

When I was in elementary school, a transfer student suddenly disappeared while I had been absent due to rubella and nobody had remembered him. He said that he kidnapped me, because I remembered him. After that, however, it occurred to me that I got rubella when I was already a working adult, not when I was an elementary school student. He had claimed to be ‘Suzuki’, but I remembered how the real Suzuki looked. It was completely a mystery even now as to who that ‘Suzuki’ was. I answered Shirai’s questions and told him the events as they had happened, but obviously, I didn’t tell him the ‘fact’ that I had been imprisoned at a villa in Karuizawa and had been repeatedly raped.

“I completely don’t remember what happened at the villa.” I avoided the subject with a ‘I don’t remember’ anything that happened during those ten empty days. “……So that’s how it is……” I shrugged my shoulders and wrapped up my story by saying that after the ten days, ‘Suzuki’ finally took me to the station we had first met in Tokyo and then I never saw him again after that. At the bottom of my heart, I knew I had lied again in the end. Shirai seemed to be deeply interested in my story, because he appeared to be thinking hard about something for a while, but then...

“I heard a similar story before,” he said suddenly, astonishing me.

“……Really……?”

What did that mean……?

Did that mean ‘Suzuki’ had kidnapped and imprisoned someone else besides me before?

That was the first thought that came to my head.

“I read something exactly like this before. I recall reading a gossip article about a small incident using hypnosis. It happened around a hundred years ago in London……no, Paris, I believe.” I’m certain it was Europe, he said smiling, a little embarrassed, and then continued speaking. “A psychiatrist fell in love with a young woman whom he frequently saw on a street corner. The woman was completely unaware of the doctor, but one day, there came a chance to talk to her, so the doctor took advantage of this opportunity and put hypnosis on her. He had her believe that he was an alien, and therefore, he imprisoned her. The woman was terrified of him, firmly believing that he was an alien, and spent around one month imprisoned. Naturally, he tied her up when they had sexual relations. During the day and during the night, he had his way with her an innumerable amount of times……however, the women’s family had filed a missing persons report with the police, so eventually her whereabouts were discovered, and the psychiatrist was arrested. After that, it took three years for the women’s hypnosis to dissipate, but even after she recovered from it, it said in the article that she didn’t bear a grudge against the psychiatrist. Perhaps because the hypnosis hadn’t completely worn off……”

“……….That……happened a hundred years ago……?”

Even I could tell that my voice sounded hoarse when I asked.

“Yeah. That’s right.” Shirai nodded, smiling but then suddenly looked worried and peered into my face.

“Are you alright? You look pale, you know?”

“……I’m alright…….”

I nodded, aware that my answer did not sound convincing at all.

“Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar to this?”

“………………..”

Should I nod and agree with the question, or should I deny it? I hesitated, not answering right away.

“It was similar, wasn’t it?”

It seemed this was how Shirai had interpreted my silence. He looked like he wanted to say something else after but appeared to have changed his mind, smiled instead, and then, “If your sleepless nights continue, I want you to consult with me about them,” he said with a sincere look in his eyes and nodded.

“Alright.”

It would be a problem for him if I made a mistake again due to lack of sleep.

I had given him that answer, because I believed that otherwise it was going to be a problem for him and then I heard Shirai’s voice that sounded a little like he was brooding over something.

“I want to be your support.”

“……….Tha……thank you.”

I want to be your support even if it’s beyond work. It seemed like Shirai was being insistent on this. All I could do was thank him and deeply bow, but at that time, I still had not realized that this was the same as accepting his feelings.