Chapter 1
Relief for This Ill Illegitimate Child!
1
Aqua looked as if she had been given the most important mission in the world.
“Ohhh man, I gotta tell everybody! I gotta tell the entire Guild…!”
“Wait, Aqua, listen to me!”
Darkness had a daughter.
“First I’m gonna report this to the lady at the Guild. Then I’ll let the Axis Church know, and then it’s over to the old guy at the vegetable stand, the old guy at the butcher shop, the old lady who lives next door…!”
“Aqua, don’t jump to conclusions! Take a good look at this kid first!” Darkness said, grabbing Aqua before she could rush out the door. As for me, I just stared blankly at the kid who had inadvertently caused all the hubbub.
“…Mama?” I whispered, and the kid flinched. She looked a lot like Darkness did when she felt uncomfortably like she must have done something wrong because we were all staring at her. The girl was almost the same age as Megumin’s little sister, Komekko, who had been at our house until recently. Maybe a little smaller, though.
“W-w-well, I guess it’s practically a noble’s duty to have children early!” Megumin said, trying to keep her composure in the face of this revelation. “And aren’t you lucky that you gave her more than just your hair or eye color. She’s the spitting image of her mother…! At least she’s guaranteed to be a beauty in the future!”
“Megumin, I can explain…! Please hear what I have to say!”
Let’s rewind.
Not too long ago, we and Axel’s other adventurers had cleaned up every last unresolved quest in town. We’d managed to meet Komekko’s expectations of us (grossly inflated, thanks to Megumin’s bragging) and were finally able to get back to our peaceful daily lives. At least, that’s what I’d thought.
But then…
“Another fetish? This one looks like bad news…”
“Th-th-that’s not what this is!”
Darkness continued to deny it despite the undeniable fact that this kid looked exactly like her. She didn’t know when to give up.
“…Eh, makes sense,” I said. “I mean, with your sexual appetite, there’s no way you could still be a virgin at your age! Damn, you’re easy. Who was it, the milkman? The pool boy?”
“I’ll kill you, you jerk! A daughter of the nobility would never give herself away so easily!”
Says the woman who nearly crossed the final frontier with me more than once!
…But anyway, far be it for me to blame the sins of the mother on the daughter. I crouched in front of the confused girl and smiled reassuringly. “What’s your name, little lady?”
“Oh! Don’t answer that, Sylphina! Just let me do the talking…!”
Despite Darkness’s frenzied attempt to keep her from talking, the girl looked around uneasily, twiddled her fingers a bit, and finally whispered, “Sylphina Ford Dustiness.”
“Sounds like your daughter, all right!” I shook Darkness violently.
“No, she isn’t! She’s my little cousin! So of course she has the same surname as I do!” Darkness was on the verge of tears…
“You can relax, Sylphina. These are my adventuring companions. Come now, say hello…”
Once things had calmed down a bit, we decided to give Darkness a fair hearing, accompanied by some green tea Megumin had made. The little girl, Sylphina, was seated in the middle of the couch; at Darkness’s urging, she stood up as tall as she could. “My name is Sylphina. Mama… I mean, Lady Lalatina is my cousin. It is my esteemed pleasure to meet you all.” Then she took a handful of her skirt and performed a perfect curtsy.
She seemed awfully collected and mature for such a young age—a product of noble upbringing, I guess.
“Well, nice to meet you, too. I’m Kazuma Satou. I’m your mama’s adventuring buddy. We live in this town together. Feel free to call me Big Bro or Papa, whichever you like.”
“You can’t ask her to call you ‘Papa’ when her father is still alive!”
Megumin and I, sitting across from the Dustiness girls, held a whispered conference.
“Kazuma, Kazuma, what do you make of this? She looks just like a tiny, waifish version of Darkness.”
“Yeah, the hair and eyes are the same color, and I admit she’s got similar features, but she has this super-high-class aura about her. I would expect any daughter of Darkness’s to be a little more rough-and-tumble, y’know?”
“Excuse me, you two, I can hear you! And I told you, she’s my cousin! The only reason Sylphina calls me Mama is because I’ve taken care of her since she was a little girl…!”
That was when Sylphina looked at us all and giggled.
Megumin cleared her throat in an attempt to collect herself. “So Sylphina, is it? I’m Megumin. As you can see, I’m a member of the Crimson Magic Clan and indeed the greatest magic-user in all of Axel.”
“Lady Megumin…” Sylphina’s eyes widened. I guess even Megumin knew not to hit a kid with the full force of a Crimson Magic intro, because for once, she introduced herself like a normal person. Sylphina looked intrigued, probably because of the “Crimson Magic” part. She seemed to be trying to decide whether or not Megumin was kidding when Darkness put a hand gently on her head.
“Let me introduce her properly. This is Sylphina Ford Dustiness, my cousin. And there’s a reason she’s here…”
According to Darkness, Sylphina had lost her mother when she was very young. Darkness had taken Sylphina under her wing, leading the little girl to think of her almost like her own mother. Just so there’s no confusion, Darkness’s mother was the older sister of Sylphina’s mother. The maternal line in their family typically possessed powerful magical abilities and magic resistance but frail bodies, and Sylphina was no exception. She got sick often. Darkness was a bit unusual; she’d inherited her father’s powerful physique and her mother’s potent magic resistance—the best of both worlds. A Dustiness hybrid, if you will.
“‘Hybrid’…?” Sylphina asked.
“Th-that’s enough out of you, Kazuma! Are you trying to pick a fight with me? Keep your mouth shut and let me finish!”
With the Demon King’s army getting more active these days, the delicate little girl had been moved from one place to another in hopes of keeping her safe, but the constant shuffling put even more strain on her. So Darkness had suggested she come to the safest possible place: the starter town of Axel. And then Darkness’s dad had let slip that we had this mansion here, and Sylphina had come over to play.
“…Huh. Hey, that’s a pretty good story.”
“Yes, a most natural-sounding cover.”
“It’s not a cover! Do the math! How old do you think I was when I allegedly had this kid?!”
Darkness got more and more agitated…until Sylphina suddenly burst into a fit of giggles. When she realized we were all looking at her, she quickly looked down at the ground. “I-I’m sorry. I’ve never seen Mama…I mean, Lady Lalatina having so much fun…”
“I am not having fun! Listen to me, Sylphina—this is one man you should stay away from. He’ll corrupt you just like he corrupted Lady Iris.” Darkness stood in front of Sylphina as if to protect her from me.
“Sylphina, sweetheart. Your mama tries to act all proud and protective, but she and Big Bro have been in the bath together, and she’s even snuck into my room at night…”
“Block your ears, Sylphina! Megumin, say something to him!” Darkness exclaimed, clapping her hands over Sylphina’s ears and turning desperately to Megumin.
“I don’t think he said anything that wasn’t true.”
“M-Megumin!”
At that moment, Sylphina, who had been watching our banter happily, was suddenly overtaken by a coughing fit.
“Sylphina, did you walk all the way here from our house? You know you’re not supposed to push yourself like that. I’ll let Father know you’re here, and you can stay the night. You can sit on the sofa and rest for a while.”
“Yes, of course. I’m sorry, Ma—Lady Lalatina.” She could hardly get the name out through her coughing.
Darkness smiled gently at her. “It’s all right—you can call me Mama. But only in front of these people. With everyone else, you should use my name.”
“All right, Mama, I will!” Sylphina said. She still seemed to be in pain, but her smile had returned.
What a nice story…
Megumin and I shared a warm and fuzzy glance, but then Darkness perked up in realization. “I have an idea. If Sylphina’s feeling too sick, perhaps we could have Aqua cast healing magic on her…” But then she stopped and looked around. “…? Hey, Kazuma, where’d Aqua go? I thought she was being unusually quiet.”
She was just noticing this now? I pointed to the front door. “She went that way. She actually left well before you got around to explaining anything.”
2
“Aw, Mama’s gone,” Sylphina murmured as she watched Darkness go racing out of the house. Somehow, the way she was curled up forlornly on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket, like a kid whose mother had abandoned her, made me feel really bad for her.
“What’s wrong with her, leaving this sweet little kid all by herself…?” I muttered.
“Sylphina—that was your name, right? I’m sure Darkness will be back before long. You can play with us until she comes home.” Megumin smiled: What with her little sister and all, she knew how to handle a kid.
“Okay!” A smile crossed Sylphina’s pale face, though it looked as if it might drift away at any moment…
“Honey, I’m home!” Megumin said as she opened the front door.
“Welcome back, my dear. How was town?” Sylphina, still swaddled in a blanket on the sofa, smiled.
What were we doing, you ask? Playing house, of course.
“Well, it was quite nice. I ran into a herd of twenty or so dragons wandering around, so I took care of them. It was hardly enough to get me warmed up.”
Megumin was playing the daddy while Sylphina was the mommy. Sylphina turned to me where I was sitting next to her. “Did you hear that, Kazuma? When you grow up, you can be a big, strong adventurer just like Daddy.”
That’s right: I was their son.
Apparently, I was a hero-to-be, with a super-awesome adventurer dad. I thought it would be more conventional for Megumin to play the mom and me to be the dad…
“I’m not gonna be an adventurer; I’m gonna be a merchant who makes his money leading people around by the nose. I don’t wanna do anything dangerous like adventuring!”
“Huh?” I guess that wasn’t part of the script, because Sylphina looked very surprised. “N-now, Kazuma, that sort of talk won’t do! You have the blood of a legendary hero in your veins, remember? As your mother, I can’t let you talk such nonsense when so many people are suffering under the Demon King! Say something to him, dear!” She turned to Megumin, nonplussed.
Wow, I was the descendant of a legendary hero?
“Well now, don’t worry yourself, my dear Sylphina. As dreams go, at least it’s a very realistic one. No parent wants to see their child put themselves in danger, so even if he turns out to be a great fighter, if our little boy can find his own happiness, I think we can be satisfied with that.”
Geez, where was that kind of sensible talk from her the rest of the time? Sylphina nodded, although she still didn’t look very sure about it. “Th-that’s true enough… Very well, Kazuma. Become the best merchant you can be, then use your profits to help support other great heroes.”
She seemed to have awfully mature ideas for such a young girl… I guess we could thank her noble upbringing for that. I wasn’t raised by any nobles, though, so I wouldn’t know.
“I’m gonna use my cash and my connections to dupe some softheaded noblewoman into marrying me so I can have status and power. Then I can have people wait on me hand and foot, allowing me to lead the most dissolute life imaginable.”
“Dear, do you hear him? Our son is turning into a monster!”
“You mustn’t get so worked up, Sylphina; this boy has always been like that… Still, Kazuma, she is right that it will not do to speak of duping noblewomen. Any noblewoman who was to get involved with you would no doubt run herself ragged worrying about your commoner status. The difference between you two would simply be too great. So when you’re ready to find a bride, let me urge you to look for someone who may not necessarily be wealthy but knows how to get by, someone intelligent and open-minded.”
Why was she lecturing me? And why did her lecture sound sort of…weird?
“You heard him, Kazuma! And Father knows best.” Sylphina reached up to pat me on the head. The image of me being chided by a little girl was too much for Megumin; she turned away, but I could see her shoulders shaking. I guess she couldn’t contain her laughter.
“Okay, but I wanna sleep with Daddy tonight. He can tell me adventure stories until I fall asleep.”
“Hrk?” Megumin clearly hadn’t been expecting this counterattack, but Sylphina clapped as if to say she thought this was an excellent plan. “Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea. Dear, you can sleep with Kazuma tonight. Teach him what it means to be a real adventurer. I want to sleep with Mama…I mean, Lady Lalatina anyway.” Sylphina looked very pleased with this arrangement. I guess she’d been hoping for an excuse to stay with Darkness tonight. She pulled the blankets up to her chin, grinning, and I felt my conviction that I wasn’t a lolicon erode slightly.
No, this must be what they call paternal instinct, right? Nothing criminal about that.
Megumin must have felt much the same thing, because all of a sudden, she gave Sylphina a pat on the head. The girl looked up at her, surprised, and Megumin whispered:
“Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to have a daughter.”
Then, as if she suddenly realized what she’d said, she waved a hand frantically and said, “I didn’t mean that how it sounded! I just mean, it wouldn’t be so bad to have an heir for when my own inevitable physical destruction arrives…!” She started spouting the most ridiculous crap, as if to make up for the remarkably out-of-character thing she’d said.
“Hey, if you want kids, I’d be happy to help out with that anytime,” I said.
“Why, you! I can’t believe you can say such things in front of this poor, innocent child!”
3
That night…
“I hear you played with Kazuma and Megumin today, Sylphina. Did you have fun? What did you play?” Darkness, safely back with Aqua, was sticking her fork in a juicy piece of frog steak.
“We played house together.” Sylphina seemed to be having some trouble with the steak—it was Axel’s trademark dish, though maybe she wasn’t used to it yet—but this brought a smile to her face. She and Darkness looked less like a mother and daughter and more like sisters.
“And you…what are you doing?” I asked.
I was talking to Aqua, who was sitting formally on the floor because we had ordered her to sit and think about what she’d done. As if she’d been waiting for me to ask, she exploded. “Kazuma, listen to me! Darkness, that big meanie, got super upset when all I did was spread some gossip at the Adventurers Guild, you know? I guess I didn’t look bothered enough from the punishment I took when she grabbed me—I mean, I could Heal it away no problem, you know?—because she threatened to use her family’s influence to stop me from ever buying alcohol around here again. And all I did was tell people what I’d seen with my own eyes! Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?”
“Imagine how I felt, what with everyone exclaiming ‘Congratulations!’ the moment I entered the Guild! I could hardly take it, with all the drunken revelry and jealous receptionists! Not to mention the questions about who the father is…”
Sylphina, listening to the conversation, looked bashfully at the table. “I’m very sorry, Mama. This is all my fault… I was just so happy to see you again after so long…”
“N-no, Sylphina, don’t worry about it! I like children, and having you here doesn’t bother me! It was the teasing about who the father might be…” For some reason, she glanced at me when she said that.
“The number one guess was Kazuma, and the second most popular possibility was a certain bearlike governor whom no one has seen in a while. The dark horse was…oh yeah, some golden-haired punk!” Aqua offered.
“I know I’m not one to talk,” I said, “but it sure seems like all the rumors around you involve some pretty shady guys.”
“Pipe down! You really aren’t one to talk!”
After dinner, we all sat in a circle around Sylphina and told her stories of our adventures. Aqua even got out her precious game console and let Sylphina play with it. It was peaceful, at least for a while…
I was gaming on the console, which I’d wrenched away from Aqua, when there was a knock at the door to my room.
“Kazuma, are you awake? May I come in?” It was Megumin, although her voice sounded oddly high-pitched.
“Yeah, I’m awake, I guess, but I don’t think I want you to come in. Every time you show up at this time of night, you end up leading me on and then laughing at me. I’m sick of getting myself all worked up just for you to turn around and walk out the door.”
“Please do not speak of a person as if she was merely a blackhearted temptress! I don’t believe I have ever led you on and then laughed at you!”
You must have a pretty dark heart yourself, then.
Not even pausing my game, I glanced at Megumin, who was peeking in, the door cracked open. “What do you want anyway? Can’t fall asleep on your own, so you decided to come curl up with me?” I looked down at my game and went back to playing.
“That’s right. I thought maybe we could sleep together tonight.”
She said it like it was the most natural thing in the world.
I froze with shock; in front of my eyes, the game character Aqua had so lovingly developed was murdered by a monster.
4
“Oh, no, I’m not being taken in by any more of your little invitations. Unlike Aqua, I’m capable of learning from experience. Okay, so I’m a virgin with high hopes, but that doesn’t mean you can simply wrap me around your little finger.”
That’s right, I had a thing going with the town’s beloved succubus. Just yesterday, I’d spent a sleepless night after this girl had asked me if I wanted to be something more than friends and less than lovers, but hey, fool me twice, right? Even I knew better than to let her dupe me over and over.
“I do not know what you are saying. Was it not you, Kazuma, who suggested we sleep together tonight? Or have you forgotten what you said while we were playing house with Sylphina?”
I dropped the game machine.
I had said that. Yes, yes, I had!
…No, wait, it’s too soon to be getting excited!
“M-my goodness, why are you so suspicious? You did not seem so upset about the other night yourself, Kazuma, so why pout now?” Megumin sounded genuinely puzzled, but even as she spoke, she worked her way closer to me.
“I’m not pouting; I’m just angry that I get hung out to dry every single time like a character in some third-rate romantic comedy! A guy my age wants to get all he can get, okay? But you and Darkness both seem to love taunting the pure, unblemished virgin for some reason. Once a guy’s in the mood, once he’s ready, it’s awful hard on him to be left hanging.”
My counterattack put Megumin on the back foot. Sweating, she replied, “G-gosh, I only wanted to let you know about my affection and try to deepen our physical relationship. I didn’t realize it was hurting you. I—I apologize for that…”
“Well, now you know, so get out of here. It was your sick invitation that killed Aqua’s precious character. Now I’m gonna have to spend all night building another one back up to where she was, or she’s going to be a blubbering mess in the morning.”
“No, wait! There’s something important I wanted to talk to you about tonight, so please don’t chase me away! In fact, I am rather incensed that you take that game more seriously than you take me!”
I sat up in bed to meet Megumin’s attack. “Whatever, enough ‘let’s sleep together’ or ‘I want to join you’ or whatever else. It gets me all hot and bothered, but then I feel so pent up. It’s like torture for a guy. If the alternative is you dangling yourself in front of me until the last minute and then pulling yourself away, I’d rather sleep by myself.”
“…It seems I am at fault here for giving you the wrong idea. I had no idea you were so frustrated by it. In that case, forget my suggestion that we sleep together, but could we at least talk for a moment?”
………
“Gee, that feels a bit like a wasted opportunity. Poor, lonely me…”
“You can be quite a headache yourself, Kazuma! Anyway, I am coming into your room!” Megumin barged in, closing the door behind her, and then helped herself to a spot on my bed. When she sat down, though, all that aggression vanished and she stared silently at the floor. It looked like she wanted to say something, but her face just got redder and redder…
“Come on—quit it! What’s with the blush? If you have something to say, then say it. Lately, everything you and Darkness have done has been so bad for my heart! That’s exactly the kind of thing that’s been getting me all…you know, like I was talking about!”
“P-patience, please; do not rush me! Conversation should begin with innocuous topics like the weather, should it not? Let us start with a calm, ordinary talk.” Megumin wasn’t getting any less red.
“I swear—I don’t know what your problem is! First you sneak into a guy’s room at night, and then you want to talk about the weather?”
I guess even Megumin knew she was being dumb, because her crimson eyes started to brim. “Uh, I…I’ve got it! Say, how did it go with Iris in the end? I know you became obsessed with Komekko eventually, but it has always bothered me that you would choose living in the castle over being with us.”
So she wants to start that again, huh?
I’d managed to avoid giving any details by claiming that the memory-erasing potion had left me without a clear idea of what had happened.
“It was just, you know… Iris, whom I adore as my little sister, was weeping, bawling her eyes out, really, and begging me not to leave. When a girl like that turns those big, moist eyes on you and says stuff like ‘I really love you, Big Brother’ and ‘You’re my one and only’ and ‘I would die without you,’ well, it’s hard to ignore.”
“I have never met such a softy in my life. But did she really say you’re her one and only and that she would die without you?”
Okay, so maybe I was sort of filling in the missing details in my memory with my imagination, but that was pretty much how it had gone as far as I was concerned.
…Hold on.
“Arrrrrgh, dammiiiittt!”
I jumped out of bed: Something had suddenly occurred to me.
“Wh-what’s going on? You can’t make that kind of noise at this time of night! What if someone comes running and finds us here?!”
“No, it’s Iris! I forgot about Iris! She said something to me shortly before I was forced to drink that potion. ‘If you ever remember me, write me a letter,’ she said! ‘I’ll wait as long as I have to!’”
This was bad. I had to get that letter out! There was no telling whether Iris might do something extreme in the face of the neglectful tragedy she’d experienced. I hastily grabbed a piece of paper and turned to my desk to start writing, but—
“Hold it.” Megumin, still sitting on my bed, had grabbed a handful of my shirt.
“What? I don’t have time to chat with you about dumb stuff; I have something important to do. Stay out of my way.”
“A girl of the right age is sitting in your room, yet even as you look upon her, you attempt to write a letter to another girl. I must say, it’s rather incredible! In fact…” Megumin gathered her resolve and locked eyes with me. “Do you remember what I said yesterday?” Her crimson eyes seemed even more crimson than usual, and her face was extremely red.
“The thing about being more than friends and less than lovers?” How could I forget? Thanks to that, I’d been losing sleep. My voice was a little scratchier than I would’ve liked, but Megumin just nodded.
“That’s right, more than friends and less than lovers. I came here tonight for your answer.”
…Huh?
“Wait, you thought that was some sort of come-on last night? The way you ran off before I could say anything, I thought it was a sick new game you’d made up where you leave me hanging.”
“Just how terrible a person am I in your mind?! I would not thoughtlessly play with a man’s heart!”
If she was so sure about that, then I would have appreciated if she’d stop rubbing up against me and saying provocative stuff with no follow-through.
“So… What is your answer?” Megumin said, her eyes shining as she leaned closer to me…!
“Hey, too close, too close! Your face is way too close to mine, and anyway, what’s your plan? If I say I’ll go out with you, does that make us lovers? What does it even mean to be more than friends and less than lovers?! Should we go ahead and be lovers, then?! What’s the big idea, leaving the most important part all mysterious?!”
“Erm, well, if we were lovers, it would be hard to decide how we should act in front of everyone else. We don’t need to jump right to the kissy-kissy stage. We can just take it calmly, one step at a time…” Suddenly embarrassed by what she was saying, Megumin fidgeted shyly.
“What’s with the maidenly reaction? You’re makin’ me sweat—stop it!”
“I am a maiden! Think of my age! What else could I be?! How exactly do you see me anyway?!”
I guess we had started out a little too blunt here, but having her act like this all of a sudden totally threw me off.
“…Hang on. Is it just me, or are you starting to feel a bit jealous? Don’t tell me you’re thinking Iris is your rival. Come on—be rational. Even I’m not scummy enough to be that much of a cradle robber.”
“I don’t know how you can say that, considering that you were more than ready to abandon us and stay at the castle. Yes, I’m jealous. I can tell you this now that things are a little calmer: When you said you weren’t coming home, I almost cried. How many times must I tell you not to make us worry so much about you?” I guess Megumin’s emotions were really running hot, because her eyes shone brighter than ever. I’d seen that glimmering red before, but never had it been so clear. “And I understand perfectly well, let me tell you, that I’m not the most useful wizard in the world. So when a very serious-minded young girl appears, one who’s exceptionally strong and whose character even overlaps with mine a bit, you’d better believe…!”
In an excess of emotion, Megumin grabbed my chest. Argh! This isn’t love; it’s assault!
“Okay, okay, I get it—my bad! I’m really sorry about that, I am! I apologize!”
Despite my abject apology, the color of Megumin’s eyes didn’t dim. “So what are you going to do? Will you become more than friends and less than lovers with me or not?” she said, completely serious and also noticeably angry. This was crazy. It was the least sexy confession I’d ever heard. In fact, the way she said it, it sounded more like a threat, what with her leaning toward me like that…
Before I could answer, there was something I wanted to be clear about. “Let’s talk ground rules: What’s inbounds when we’re ‘more than friends and less than lovers’? C’mon—there’s gotta be something. You know what I’m talking about.”
Megumin, red up to her ears, looked at the ground. “Yes. Yes, I believe I do. Now that you mention it, we’ve never done any such thing together, have we? Very well, let us begin. The time being what it is, we can start first thing tomorrow morning!”
“The time being what it is”?
“Tomorrow morning”?
“Are you kidding? Now’s the perfect time, isn’t it?”
“…One moment, Kazuma. Do you suspect we may be thinking of different things? What exactly are you asking about? I think we had a similar confusion before, so just to be sure, let’s say what we’re each thinking on the count of three. One, two…”
“Making babies.”
“A date.”
Oh yeah. I guess we’d never been on a proper date.
“Excuse me?” Megumin said pointedly, but I clapped my hands as if it all made perfect sense now.
“You’re right—we’ve never been on a proper date, have we?” I responded. “Guess we can’t skip right to the lovey-dovey stuff.”
“‘Making babies,’ indeed! Very well. It’s not quite what Mother said yesterday, but if you are prepared to take responsibility, then fine! In fact, I suppose it would be more in character for us to end up getting married in such an informal manner…” She let out a sigh, as if the truth was now sinking in for her.
“…Geez, when you talk about shotgun weddings, it all seems really real all of a sudden.”
“Hold on a moment. At a certain inn not so long ago, when we were about to cross that line together, I believe you said you cared about me as well!”
Uh… Huh. I guess I did. Maybe I’d been so revved up with Megumin in my arms that I had felt like I would take responsibility or whatever.
“That was then; this is now,” I said. “You cost me a lot of sleep last night, so after we finished playing house with Sylphina, I took a little walk. Got a special deal on an afternoon nap.”
“And what does your nap have to do with what we’re talking about?! I cannot understand you!”
See, whenever guys get a chance to “cool themselves off,” they’re rewarded with otherworldly mental clarity.
My name is Kazuma Satou, and I know better than to take on major responsibility just because I got a little horny or emotional for a few minutes.
“Remind me again how old you are, Megumin. Barely fifteen, right? I don’t think it’s good for you to be so eager about kids and marriage and stuff. You should start with some nice, purehearted dating. Now that I’m thinking about it, how could we let ourselves get swept into making babies and having shotgun weddings when we haven’t even been on a date? It wouldn’t be any good for the kid.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying that when it was you who brought up the whole idea!” Megumin exclaimed.
“No, listen to me. I’ve had a good, sober think about this. We hardly even know each other, right? I mean, you’re always talking about how you’re an adult and whatever, but all this ‘I love you! Let’s have kids!’ business is the most childish stuff imaginable.”
“Again, you started this! You act as if you didn’t feel it, Kazuma! You’re always a little strange, but today you’re stranger than ever…!”
But when she saw how levelheaded I was in spite of the circumstances, it seemed like Megumin started to understand. Even as I watched, her face got colder, and her eyes, they… Ah, yes: They resembled the eyes of a person staring at an insect. It was the same look she gave me whenever she saw me staring at Darkness as she wandered around the house in her underwear.
“Wh-what am I going to do with this man…? I never expected you to be quite so cold simply because your sex drive had vanished, nor did I think you were quite such a lost cause… After all we’ve done together, all we’ve felt together, it turns out it was just because of your lust! And then when you’re satisfied, it’s only logic and reason…!”
“Whoa, slow down there. All we’ve done is get in the tub together and cuddle up beneath the sheets. I’d hardly say that’s a lot. If you’re going to tear down my reputation like that, I at least want to do something deserving of that punishment!”
“Very well, if you insist on this ridiculous argument, then I am ready.”
Oops, those were “looking at garbage” eyes.
At last, Megumin heaved a sigh. “I suppose I always knew you were this way. The whole fact that I can’t seem to hate you for it just goes to show what an easy woman I must be…” Even so, her gaze was still sharp, as if the garbage was especially stinky. “Ahem… I suppose this is no atmosphere for a confession of love, but we still have to answer the question ‘What do we do now?’” Megumin’s shoulders slumped, heavy with exhaustion, and she looked straight at me. She was completely still, as if waiting for me to say something. But heck, I didn’t know what to do any more than she did.
I’d known Megumin and the others for quite a while now, but back when we first met, I had never imagined I might be in this kind of relationship with anyone, and I didn’t even know how I really felt myself. I’d never even been on a first date with a girl, let alone done any more than that, so I didn’t know what it meant to fall in love or what it felt like…
…………………………………………
Huh?
I tried my hand at imagining the future, and… Well, marriage and kids still seemed like a lot to deal with, but all of a sudden, going out with Megumin didn’t seem like such a bad thing at all. In fact, even at this moment, after I’d, uh, relaxed, a date with Megumin sounded like a pretty good time. It wouldn’t have to be anything special. Even hanging out together, like, Hey, Megumin, we’ve got a few minutes to kill, so why don’t you grab some lunches and let’s go to the lake? Maybe we can make some waves with your Explosion or something.
…Huh?
What was this?
What was this?
“H-hey, Megumin, this is serious! I think I might actually be in love with you!”
“You are the worst! You are absolutely the worst! I can’t think of anyone worse than you! You think you might?! Is that supposed to be a confession?! Don’t you have anything better to say than that?!”
She was really expecting too much from a hopeless virgin like me. Feeling oddly sweaty, I turned to her with a confused expression. Megumin sighed. “You really do choke when it counts, don’t you…? I know I said I appreciated that about you, but sometimes it’s pretty annoying, too…” She looked like she was giving up on something but also like she was faintly amused. I let out a relieved breath to see her that way but was immediately met with a glare.
S-sorry!
“…So what do we do now? I mean… Wh-what’s the nature of our…our relationship…?” She seemed a little anxious. And a little red in the cheeks.
Ummm…
“G-geez, I don’t know. To be perfectly honest, I’ve never been in this scenario before. When a girl suddenly asks me if I want to go out with her, I don’t know what to do. So I don’t think I could really object to your idea about being more than friends and less than lovers. It would make me happy, really. You’ve got some strange points, but hey, at least you’ve got the looks… So, uh, I mean, I guess maybe we could go with…that sort of relationship…?”
“Y-yes, fine by me…,” Megumin said. “Let us do that, then, for the time being… Besides, this way, the others won’t get upset…” She was acting downright shy. Maybe it was my comment about her appearance, but anyway, she seemed to be feeling a bit relieved. I realized I was starting to get a little embarrassed myself. Man, look at us, acting like a brand-new couple.
This was bad, bad news. It was all fresh and bittersweet and heart-pounding! Wait, what would we do about Darkness and Aqua in all this? Maybe we’d better tell them. But how would that affect our relationships with them?
Less than lovers…
Did that mean we could do some things that lovers did, though? And just what kinds of things were those…?
While I was busy mentally trying to answer these questions, Megumin said, “All right, let us keep this a secret from Darkness and Aqua until we graduate to being proper lovers… And, ahem, as such, we will of course refrain from doing anything dirty.”
“Huh?”
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