Chapter 5
A Banquet for This Demon Count!
1
As Darkness and I hastily boarded the carriage she’d arranged to meet us at the Axel town gates, Aqua and Megumin watched us go, worried. They were going to stay here while we took care of business.
“I know you’ll be able to manage water with Create Water, but what about food? Did you bring something? What about handkerchiefs and tissues? Hey, Kazuma, do you even know how to pitch a tent? I know you said you can’t sleep on a strange pillow, so you’ve got yours, right?” Aqua fretted.
“What are you, my mom? You can stop worrying. I’m a veteran adventurer, don’t forget. My level’s pretty good, and it’s not that bad a trip. Nothing to worry about. And I don’t need my pillow.”
Aqua truly resembled a mother watching her kids leave, and it was getting on my nerves.
“Okay, sure, but remember I won’t be there this time, all right? Try not to get hurt. And definitely try not to get killed, because I won’t be around to resurrect you. If you find anything weird on the ground, don’t put it in your mouth, okay?”
Darkness flashed a subdued smile at Aqua. “Aqua, we’ve already been to Elroad and Arcanletia. Travel is nothing new to us.”
“Your traveling party consists of one sheltered noblewoman and one homegrown NEET. Of course I’m worried.”
Where did she get off roasting me like that? I would have been a lot more worried if it was her going and not me.
She pressed on. “And you, Darkness. Be careful when you get there. Do your best not to get attacked, okay?”
“No worries there. I’m a Crusader. Getting attacked by monsters is practically my job. I’ll do everything I can to protect Kazuma…”
“Don’t be silly, Darkness. The two of you are traveling all alone. I’m telling you to be careful not to get attacked by Kazuma.”
“Hey…” I took offense at Aqua’s words, even when, at the same time, they left me feeling sort of fidgety.
“Yes, please do take care not to get attacked.”
Et tu, Megumin? Why didn’t anyone trust me?
“I don’t believe I’ve ever once attacked a girl… Well, okay, so I seem to remember pulling a little something back at Crimson Magic Village, but… You know what? I’m sorry, never mind.” Something in Megumin’s eyes shut me up.
“Don’t be silly, Kazuma. The two of you are traveling all alone. I’m telling you to be careful not to get attacked by Darkness.”
Huh, so that was what she meant.
“Megumin, I’d appreciate if you didn’t make me out to be some kind of pervert! Why in the world wouldn’t you trust m—? Er, a-ahem, never mind.” Darkness’s shoulders slumped under Megumin’s gaze. I guess she had some uncomfortable memories, too.
Gosh, now that I thought about it, they were right. We were going to be traveling together, just the two of us. I grew nervous. Especially considering how over these last few days, we’d become increasingly aware of each other, and it was getting sort of awkward. Suddenly I wasn’t so sure about this. Were there really not going to be any “mistakes”? Especially with the two of us on a trip—a whole new environment—and us alone together, with no one to burst in on us…or stop us.
As I was starting to panic, Megumin handed me something.
“What’s this?”
Some kind of magical item? Actually, it looked familiar, although I hadn’t seen it in a long time…
“They were selling these at a discount at Wiz’s shop. I gather it is a simple portable toilet for when you are on a trip. Take it with you just in case.”
Not a bad idea. Using the bathroom while you were on the road could get tricky. Typically, it meant answering the call of nature, well, out in nature.
“Thanks, I’ll take it… Hang on, what? Megumin, I seem to remember this thing having some sort of fatal flaw.”
“I am given to understand that in order to mask the sounds of your toilet use, it plays music at a high volume while occupied. So if a certain someone tries to jump you, use the sound to scare her off.”
What did she think this was, an air horn?!
“…Why do you even have one of these?! Look, there are kids in trouble! Even I wouldn’t try to get up to any funny business right now!” Despite my objection, I tossed it in with the luggage, just to be on the safe side.
“Well, don’t worry yourselves about those children. Aqua and I will see to it that they get the support they need,” Megumin said and smiled at us. She and Aqua were going to stay behind in town and take care of the kids. Megumin had learned how to make potions in Crimson Magic Village, and she would get everything set up so that she could make the special potion as soon as we got back with the ingredients. I bought everything we could conceivably buy from local pharmacies and magic-item shops. Money makes the world go around, even here. And as for the other ingredients, many of the adventurers who’d been with us when the trouble started actually volunteered to help obtain them.
There was just one we still needed to account for: a powerful demon’s fingernail…
“Normally, I’d love to come along with you and personally strip a nail off some demon, but I need to help these kids, so I’ll have to put up with staying behind this time. Hey, Kazuma, after you get the nail, be sure to finish him off, won’t you?”
“Weren’t you listening to Vanir? He may be a demon, but he’s nobility around here, too.”
That’s right: We were about to set off for the castle of a certain nobleman of this country. Apparently, some seemingly human nobles were actually demons in disguise. Darkness just about swooned when she heard that, but we could deal with the implications once the kids were healthy again. Darkness and I had agreed to go negotiate with this monster, but…
“Kazuma, Kazuma.”
“What, more advice?”
Aqua held something out to us as we boarded the carriage. “It’s a prototype item from Wiz’s shop. A finished version of something you tried to do a long time ago, I guess. You never know what might happen on the road, so I thought you should have one, just in case.”
It was my attempt at a homemade contraceptive device. I flung it on the ground.
2
The carriage clattered along, with Darkness holding the reins. I’d been watching her as we went, and I was getting itchy with curiosity. “Hey, Darkness, let me try driving.” We were an hour outside of Axel, and I was tired of doing nothing but watching the scenery go by.
“Don’t be dumb. Driving takes actual skill. You can’t go too fast or too slow; you have to think about the pace the animal is walking at and how much energy it has left…”
“I’ve been watching you this whole time, and you’re just sitting there holding those ropes. Come on—let me try! I’m bored.”
It had been nearly two years since I’d come to this world, by my reckoning. There weren’t a lot of ways to amuse yourself around here, and I wasn’t going to miss my chance to drive a horse-drawn carriage. Wasn’t I here to be an adventurer? Er, even if I had gone full NEET lately.
“Fine, but only for a little while. Don’t pull too hard on the reins, though—you want to let the horse take care of almost everything.”
“Yeah, sure, I know how it works. You just sit here and occasionally sort of flick the reins.”
“Don’t flick them—that’s only for emergencies! Seriously, don’t do it, okay? I’m not bantering with you—I mean it.”
Sternly warned by Darkness, I gave an obedient nod. Then I said, “…I don’t see a hand brake, or even a steering wheel for that matter. And where’s the clutch on this thing?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Keep your nonsense to yourself!” Darkness made to grab the reins back, but I held up a hand in a wait gesture. “Bah, I hate people who don’t understand a good cross-world joke.” And here I’d been deliberately trying to lighten the mood for the two of us.
Still, I couldn’t help noticing how odd Darkness had looked all day. In fact, it wasn’t only today. It was more like recently… Specifically, ever since she and I had expressed our feelings for each other…
“I’m not sure what a cross-world joke even is… We’ve got nothing but time until we come to the next town, so I’m going to spend the day interrogating you. I want answers to all the questions I’ve always had.” Gee, she was suddenly enthusiastic now that we had some distance from civilization. “For starters, where were you born?” She seemed less worried about my driving, at least; we’d switched places on the bench.
“I’m from Japan,” I replied. “One of the world’s economic superpowers and full of guys with black hair and black eyes like me.”
“Ja-pan… Ja-pan…” Darkness sat with her hands on her knees, muttering to herself.
“You have to at least have heard of it, right? The guys you describe as having weird names, most of them are from Japan.”
Darkness looked startled by that. “Yes, that’s right! They have hair just like yours, and they all seem to have some incredible power or other. Like that Mitsu-whatever-it-was, with his enchanted sword. No normal weapon could be that powerful… I wonder where he got it… Same with the others. The people who leave their names to history and legend so often seem to look a lot like you. B-but that would mean…” Darkness swallowed and glanced at me expectantly… “Could it be you have some incredible power or spectacular equipment, too…?”
“Nope, nothing, not for me. I guess the only things I brought with me were my incredible Luck and amazing intelligence, along with a pinch of courage and a whole lot of adventuring spirit…”
I brushed my bangs away in an awesome manner, basking in Darkness’s gaze of admiration…
“So what you’re saying is, you’re a completely ordinary guy with no special powers.”
Oops, that wasn’t admiration; it was pity.
“Hey, you’ve seen how much an ordinary guy can do! Don’t give me that disappointed sigh—I think it’s pretty incredible that an ordinary guy has done as much as I have! How about a little praise here and a touch of adulation?”
“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I feel like you’ve changed somewhat, just recently. Like you’ve become a bit more like Aqua, or maybe she’s become a bit more like you… Or maybe you were always this way…”
Ohhh, she said that which shouldn’t be said.
“We’re nothing alike! She spends all day eating and sleeping and drinking and doing stupid stuff. I can’t believe you think I have anything in common with—”
“You just described your everyday life.”
I turned my attention to the horse, who was walking along contentedly. “Horses are pretty cute, huh? It’s like, they’ve got those gentle eyes and stuff. Kittens and chicks are all right, but me, I’m all about horses.”
“Hey, look at me. Look me in the eyes… Bah, fine, let’s move on. You said once that you really owned in your country, right?”
Huh? “Owned”?
I gaped at her as if to ask what the heck she was talking about.
“Hey, don’t look at me like that! You’re the one who said it! You said you really owned back in your home country! You said people gave you all sorts of nicknames and everyone counted on you. You talked about how you and your friends assaulted fortresses and hunted major bosses; you said it was all you did all day…”
Had I?
Oh yeah, I had said something like that! What a dumb thing to say. I was pretty sure I had been telling them about my online gaming life.
“Yeah, sure, that’s all true. But it’s also in the past. I’d rather not remember it, so do me a favor and don’t bring it up, okay?”
“Why not? It sounds like a really honorable past. Don’t you want to remember your comrades in arms? You should be proud of your martial accomplishments.” Darkness giggled, although I didn’t know why. “Or what? Are you embarrassed? You, the guy who never misses a chance to mention all the generals of the Demon King he’s defeated?”
…I guess it wouldn’t get me very far to object that those other stories were about an online game. Well, whatever. At least she was having fun…
“Say, Kazuma. You told us you could go back to your country… Don’t you ever miss your family?” She had her hands on her knees, and suddenly she looked very serious.
“Nope, not once since I got here. Frankly, I don’t have the time. You guys are too much of a handful. Heck, I’d practically forgotten all about my family until you mentioned them a second ago… Wait—ahhhhh!”
“What, what is it?! An enemy attack?!” Darkness said, checking our surroundings anxiously.
“No, I just remembered! I can’t believe this! My little brother still owes me five hundred yen! He said he needed it to buy some stuff for his club, and he never paid me back!”
Darkness was thoroughly confused by that. “F-five hundred ‘yen’? How much is that? Is it a lot?”
“In your terms, I guess it’d be about five hundred eris.”
“Let him have it! You’re filthy rich anyway! I heard about what happened at the capital, how you tried to buy Lain off when it looked like she was going to send you home. And you didn’t hesitate to cause a scene at the castle. After you wrote that letter saying you’d gotten your memory back, Lady Claire and Lain sent a tearful message of apology and a bunch of presents. I gave them back because I felt bad for them, but…”
Hold up.
“Who gave you the right to send back someone else’s presents?! I still haven’t forgiven those two! Next time I see them, I’ll make them regret they were born women! It’ll be so bad, even you’ll be traumatized!”
“Say, um, what kind of trauma do you have in mind exactly? What level are we talking about…?”
“Cram it—you’re the worst! Quit blushing!”
3
And so our excursion went on. Darkness and I continued our trip without any monster attacks or harrowing encounters.
“Man, things sure are easy without Aqua around. Traveling like this is so peaceful.”
“Come on, Kazuma. I know Aqua isn’t always easy to live with, but I don’t think she attracts trouble on purpose. Though I must admit, this is pretty nice… Hey, tell me about those samurai you mentioned once upon a time. What kind of tribe are they? I want details.” Darkness had taken a pretty keen interest in Japan after we started talking about it, and I’d been telling her all about this, that, and the other thing as we trundled along.
“These samurai, they were no joke. I told you about those supersharp katanas they carried, right? If anything went wrong, they would cut open their own bellies.”
“Their own bellies?!” Darkness exclaimed. Maybe this world didn’t have any tradition of ritual suicide.
“That’s right. You tick off your master, you have to cut open your belly. If you’re defeated in battle, you have to cut open your belly. If you dared surrender in a duel? Better believe that’s a belly-cutting.”
“Does their cruelty know no bounds?! Besides, if you have to kill yourself when you surrender, what’s the point in surrendering?”
I guess Japanese culture didn’t make much sense to someone from another world.
“Samurai have a lot of pride, see? So much that they would even tie all their hair together on top of their heads to intimidate their enemies. And then they would collect enemy heads in battle as souvenirs.”
“What were they, headhunters?! And wouldn’t all this belly-cutting threaten to extinguish entire bloodlines?”
Well, yeah… There weren’t any samurai around today, were there?
“What else? Tell me about those ninjas you mentioned!” I guess it didn’t matter if we were on Earth or in another world entirely. All foreigners seemed to be fascinated by ninjas for some reason.
“Ninjas worked mostly at night. They knew how to meld silently with the shadows to make their attacks, that sort of thing. And I hear they liked to use poison.”
“So they’re nocturnal and specialize in sneak attacks. And poisonous, too. Scary…”
I got the impression she was misunderstanding something…
“Plus, in manga, they always have special attacks, like the Thunder God Technique or Flame Shield, or they can control lightning or breathe fire or whatever.”
“Wow, they even have magic and breath techniques… What other characteristics do they have?”
Yep, she was definitely getting the wrong idea.
“Well, bunshin is a famous one. It lets you create mirror images of yourself.”
“These creatures sound terrifying. So do the male and female ‘ninja’ monsters have identical physical characteristics…?”
You know what? I wasn’t even going to try to explain it to her.
…At least the awkwardness I had felt between us before we left was gone.
Or so I thought until one particular moment anyway…
“Good thing I found this perfect cave for us. Now we don’t have to go to all the trouble of pitching a tent. And if we park the carriage just inside the entrance, it’ll make a nice barricade. Maybe we won’t have to sleep with one eye open.”
“Sure.”
It was pitch-black outside, and we had come to the season when nights could be pretty chilly. Unfortunately, with just the two of us, starting a campfire probably wasn’t the best idea. There were monsters out there who weren’t afraid of fire. Some of them might actually be drawn to it.
“You said we have some dried meat and bread to eat, right? How about a quick dinner?”
“Sure.”
Darkness, who normally got only the highest-quality food to eat, actually seemed a little excited by the idea of cured meat and black bread. I understood, at least sort of. To me, nothing said adventure quite like dried meat and crunchy black bread. Heck, I was getting a little excited myself. But still…
“We can lay out some blankets on the cave floor and try to make it a little more comfortable. I’m sorry there’s no bath, but we can at least wipe ourselves down.”
“Sure.”
I kept repeating the same answer over and over. Darkness, holding a washbasin and a towel, said, “What’s going on with you? Are you even listening to me?” She looked at me suspiciously.
“I’m listening. You want me to make some water with Create Water, right? Don’t worry—it’s coming right up.”
“That’s not what I was talking about… I mean, I do want water, but…”
I extended a hand toward the washbasin and was about to use my spell when…
““Oh.””
…our fingers touched. Our horse, resting just inside the cave entrance, snuffled quietly. The night was full of the sounds of autumn insects. There was only faint starlight to aid our vision. It was like the whole world was conspiring to set the mood, whether we wanted it to or not…
“You know what, I don’t need water after all. I splashed myself a bit before we left this morning!”
“I see. Yeah, you’re right. I didn’t even break a sweat riding in the carriage all day!”
It wasn’t like I had exerted myself at all. We only needed to have a quick meal and go to sleep. We awkwardly brought out the food, I magically filled a couple of cups with water, and we each bit into some bread, still with only the stars for light…
““Ugh, it’s hard.”” We both groaned.
“What the heck. I heard black bread was tough, but how are you supposed to eat this?”
“Beats me… I’m too sheltered to know anything about the world, remember? You certainly never get tired of reminding me of it, so I assumed you knew what to do.”
Well, I didn’t. I didn’t know how to eat this bread.
Fine. The black bread could wait. At least it’s not all we have…
Darkness and I bit into the cured meat next.
““Ugh, salty!”” We both groaned again.
“Hey, this stuff is dangerous,” I said. “If we actually managed to get it down, it’d probably spike our blood pressure and kill us. It’s practically a salt lick.”
“Don’t you usually pair this with soup or something? It doesn’t seem fit for consumption on its own…”
I put the meat back on my plate, next to the bread, and grabbed my bow and arrow instead.
“H-hey, Kazuma, where do you think you’re going so late?”
“Don’t underestimate me just because I’m a pampered NEET from Japan, the country of wonderful food. I’m not about to resort to eating this crap when I’ve started to level up my lifestyle! I have Second Sight and Sense Foe, not to mention my Deadeye skill. I shouldn’t have any trouble taking down a rabbit or two. I’ll be right back, so you just gather some branches or something. If we light a fire that only lasts long enough to cook rabbit meat, I don’t think we’ll attract any monsters.”
“Gosh, you choose the strangest times to be manly…”
4
After a lovely meal of Horned Rabbit cooked on a skewer, we went right to bed, but…
…I couldn’t sleep.
Maybe I was too excited about being on a trip, or maybe there was another reason. I’d been lying there for a while, but I hadn’t managed to sleep a wink. Could it be I was just feeling paranoid because we were out in the wilderness? I activated my Sense Foe skill, but I didn’t detect anything unusual. Anyway, if anything happened, our horse would make noise for sure. So maybe it was just the fact that I was sleeping on hard rock that made it so difficult to get any shut-eye…
Okay, so I knew the real reason I couldn’t sleep. I was about to turn over for the umpteenth time when:
“Kazuma, are you awake…?” Darkness’s voice was almost a whisper.
“Kazuma…?”
I could hardly hear her. If I’d been asleep, she would never have woken me up. Maybe I should have confessed that yeah, I was awake, but for some reason, I decided not to answer.
“So you managed to fall asleep…”
Which was what I continued to pretend to be doing. At length, there was a rustling of cloth and then a scrabble on the stone ground. I guess Darkness had climbed out from under her blankets and was going somewhere, though I didn’t know where.
“It’s all right. Kazuma’s asleep…isn’t he?” I felt her glance back to be sure. What did she think she was doing? So what if I was asleep?! Should I have taken that thing from Aqua? This was what I had feared most of all: having to spend a night in the wilderness with Darkness. The odds were probably better that there would be some kind of mistake than that there wouldn’t!
Satisfied that I was asleep, Darkness took a deep breath…!
And then she left the cave without doing anything in particular to me. I heard some shuffling as she took something out of a bag.
A loud noise shattered the silence.
“Hey, what the hell?! It’s the middle of the night; what do you think you’re doing?!” I demanded.
“I didn’t— It’s this item’s fault! I just wanted to use the bathroom, and then all of a sudden, it made this awful noise…!”
Darkness, looking close to tears, pointed at a box that was still making a tremendous racket. It was about the size of a portable toilet like you might see at a construction site.
“Now I get it. I wondered what you could be up to in the middle of the night. You’ve been holding it in all day, haven’t you?”
“You make it sound so simple! Wait! You were awake!” As Darkness stood flummoxed in front of the toilet, I could see her blushing even in the starlight.
“You bet I was! I’m here all alone in the dark with a woman who’s thrown herself at me on multiple occasions. Anyone would expect something to happen.”
“Who would do something like that at a time like this?! Anyway, we have to deal with this! This toilet won’t stop screeching!”
It was frustrating that the toilet wouldn’t shut up, but we had a much bigger problem. “The sound attracted something this way! My Sense Foe skill is going nuts! Wake the horse up! I know it’s dark out, but we gotta get moving! Argh, I take back what I said about things being easier without Aqua! You’re just as bad!”
“I’m so sorry! I’m sorry for being such a worthless Crusader!”
5
So yeah, we didn’t get a whole lot of sleep that night. The next day around noon—we’d been traveling for a full day at that point—we came across a small town in what appeared to be a wasteland. This tiny village in this remote little corner also happened to be the location of the castle of the noble we had come to see.
Darkness stood at the gate of the castle and shouted, “Good people! My name is Lalatina Ford Dustiness! I’ve come because I have business with your master. Take me to him right away!”
The guards nodded at one another. “Our master never sees anyone without an appointment. Not even the scion of the Dustiness family, not even—”
“Please, he must!” Darkness interrupted.
“S-sorry, I’m afraid the rule’s ironclad…”
“I’m begging you! We don’t have any time!”
The guards found themselves overpowered by the suddenly very forceful Darkness. I guess that just showed how worried she was about those kids. Darkness was a very direct person. She could be stubborn, hardheaded, and single-minded, but it was all in the service of protecting people. I assumed she wouldn’t budge until she got her interview.
“Word of advice, guys. This lady isn’t going anywhere. She’ll probably stand here until the world ends if you don’t give her what she wants.”
The gate guards looked perturbed by that. I figured we could at least get them to take a message for us. However, Darkness interjected. “No, I really am in a hurry! I don’t have time to stand around here!”
“…Hey, Darkness, we need to get our story straight. You can’t just bust in there.” Now I looked as troubled as the guards.
“If it’s that important, perhaps I can at least broach the subject with our master…,” one of the guards said, sensing this was no ordinary matter.
“Whoo-hoo, we did it, Darkness! One small step for us…”
“No, I need more than a small step! Please let me through!”
……
“You’re the pushiest person I’ve ever met. I know you’re in a hurry, but you should have a little more faith in Aqua and Megumin. What’s our job? Just say it!” Maybe I finally got through to her, or maybe she remembered why we’d come here, because with tears burning in her eyes, Darkness turned to the guards and said…
“Please, please let me use your toilet…”
She was as loud and as assertive as a mosquito.
“You’re so embarrassing,” I grumbled.
“Look who’s talking. It was your shouting that brought everyone running and made it way worse than it had to be.”
This being an emergency situation, they had let us into the castle, and now we were going to get our audience with the master of the house.
“I told you to just do it in the woods. This is why I don’t like noblewomen. They get so prideful about the weirdest things. Are you even a real adventurer?”
“Okay, I’ll admit that sometimes adventurers have to use the bushes, but what does being a noblewoman have to do with this…? Ugh, for the first time in my life, there was a second where I thought I didn’t want to be an adventurer anymore…”
A very relieved Darkness and I were walking down a hallway in the castle.
“Our apologies for the wait, Lady Dustiness. The master is on his way now,” the guard who had served as our guide said before withdrawing. He had ushered us into a gorgeously appointed meeting room. It was decorated with perfectly chosen accessories—nothing too expensive, all tasteful. This guy clearly wasn’t some upstart nouveau riche.
“Hey, Darkness, when we were on the road, you said there was some kind of problem with this guy. What did you mean? Who are we dealing with here? Is he a pervy freak like you?”
“I don’t know what your fixation is with assuming nobles are all terrible people. The ones you’ve met so far have just been a little…unusual. But they’ve all been perfectly well respected by the populace… Er, uh, except me, maybe…” Darkness, unable to endure my stare any longer, coughed discreetly. “The ruler of this castle is known as Count Zeeleschilt. Some people call him the Cruel Count.”
I was getting that sinking feeling already. I was remembering something from my world, a nobleman known as “the Impaler.” Pretty sure he became the basis for every vampire story ever told. And now here we were in this world, facing some guy who had earned a very similar nickname. What were we going to do, have a friendly chat?
I was starting to think it had been a mistake, coming here with just the two of us. I mean, I had met Alderp; I knew how crazy the nobles could be around here. If we rubbed a local ruler the wrong way out in the middle of nowhere, who knew what would happen to us? We could “disappear,” and no one would ever know we weren’t eaten by monsters on the way.
As I sat there fretting, there came a knock on the door, and someone informed us that the Cruel Count himself was on the way.
This is bad. I wanna go home.
I stood up. “Hey, Darkness, maybe we should cut our losses, go get some more people, and—”
But then the door opened, and into the meeting room came…
“It has been far too long since I saw you last, Count Zeeleschilt. I must apologize for forcing myself on you so suddenly. But the most urgent matter has come up…”
“Lady Dustiness, well met. I’ve heard the story. It seems you need one of my nails to make some kind of medicine… And if you’re asking for such a thing, then I presume you know what I truly am?”
The two nobles both sounded perfectly cordial, and they didn’t waste any time getting down to business. But there was one thing I felt I had to say. I turned to Darkness. “Hey, Darkness. Are you sure this guy is one of this country’s nobles? You said you never saw through him, even after all this time, right?”
“Kazuma, hush, I’m in the middle of an important conversation right now,” Darkness said. “My apologies, Count Zeeleschilt. This man is my bodyguard and fellow adventurer, Kazuma Satou.”
“A name with which I’m familiar. I’m given to understand he’s the adventurer who has buried a great many of the Demon King’s generals. I must say, he looks quite ordinary, but appearances can be deceiving…”
“All right, let’s cut to the chase,” I said to them. “Darkness, I smell a rat. Why’s he wearing a costume? Is this what nobility does around here? I’ve got so many sarcastic remarks about this guy, I don’t even know where to start.”
I pointed at the thing in front of us, which looked like a large, fuzzy penguin or something.
6
That’s right: He was wearing a costume. I couldn’t get over how closely he resembled a penguin. But maybe it was a mistake to say anything, because a profound silence settled over the room.
“Hey, don’t just clam up. What’s going on here? I’ve met some important nobles, like you and Claire. And now I’m supposed to believe a guy in an animal suit is a noble, too? How do you even know who’s inside?”
Darkness, uneasy, refused to make eye contact with me. “You want to know about the magical item the count is wearing? It’s no costume. It’s highly elastic, moisturizing, and retains heat well. It’s a brilliant invention from a foreign land… Anyway, in our country, if you’re good enough at what you do, you can be forgiven the occasional eccentricity or fetish. Those of us fighting the battle against the Demon King for the fate of humanity need the best people we can get.”
“Best or not, this guy’s as suspicious as they come. He could be a spy for the Demon King; you don’t know!”
When Count Costume heard that, he sat down on the sofa across from us with an unnecessarily elegant movement. “Calm yourself, I beseech you. You need not worry that I would ever join up with the Demon King’s army. On that point, I must beg your trust.”
“I’d like to meet the guy who would trust you, with the way you’re dressed! I’d get him a doctor!”
Count Costume only shrugged in amusement at my quip. It was a strikingly human gesture, and it kind of ticked me off.
“Hear me out, young man. If you know what I truly am, then may I presume you have at least a passing knowledge of demons? We’re symbiotes to humans. You’re important partners for us. I hope you will believe me.”
“This demon who told us about you—Vanir—he once said that humans were just the ingredients to a delicious meal.”
Count Costume froze at that. “…My, you’re an acquaintance of the great Vanir? Then I suppose there is no further need for obfuscation. Yes, we find you humans quite delectable. Your feelings of hatred and negativity are like candy to us. If you understand what I’m saying, then hurry up and feed me some bad vibes, you insouciant little brat.”
Damn, his attitude did a complete one-eighty!
“Count Zeeleschilt, please allow me to apologize profusely for this man’s lack of tact. We’ve told no one in Axel about your identity, nor shall we, we promise. So please…”
The nasty costume made an amused sound at that. “I seem to recall you’re a most pious follower of the Eris faith, Lady Dustiness. Can you then bring yourself to turn a blind eye to a demon like me? What’s more, I know you to be a faithful servant of your nation. Can you let an unknown entity like myself go unchecked?”
He seemed to be testing her. Darkness glanced at me, then put on a very serious face. “In the past, I certainly would not have been able to do so… However, this man has helped me to see what it truly is that I must protect: not my pride as a member of the nobility but the defenseless members of my community. This man has shown me that I have to be willing and able to associate with all types, and I would like to think I’ve acquired some statesmanship. And also…Kazuma, I must thank you. Without you, I would have remained a hardheaded Crusader. The old me could never have left well enough alone after I learned of Count Zeeleschilt’s true nature.” She sounded increasingly shy. Then she turned back to Count Costume. “What do you think, Count Zeeleschilt? Does that answer meet with your approval?”
“…I say, I never intended to ask something so profound. I recall Crusaders being able to use a modicum of sacred magic. I was simply concerned that your Eris heart might stop you from using magic entirely if you deigned to overlook me…”
The silence returned.
“Um… I can’t use magic, so it won’t be a problem… I appreciate your concern, though…” Darkness seemed to shrink with embarrassment.
“That’s all well and good, then, I suppose. Ahhh, embarrassment like this is a flavor Master Vanir is particularly fond of. It’s not my personal taste, so you may feel free to collect yourself.”
This last little jab from the demon caused Darkness to slump across the table, still red-faced.
Count Costume crossed his legs, again elegantly, and said in an imposing voice, “Now, let us get down to business. You want one of my nails, but unlike a greater demon such as Master Vanir, who leaves his true body in hell, those of us who manifest on this plane with our own bodies experience tremendous pain giving up even a piece of one of our nails.”
It kind of annoyed me how the voice and terrible attitude were in stark contrast to his bizarre appearance.
“About that… I’m afraid I don’t actually have a lot of money I can give you at the moment… But I promise on the Dustiness name, I will pay you back, even if it isn’t immediately! So please…”
Count Costume regarded the desperate Darkness silently. According to Vanir, demons were very particular about their contracts. An oral agreement like this would never fly. I decided to try to help Darkness out.
“I can put up some cash, if that’s what you need.”
“Wha—?” Darkness wheeled on me. What did she think I was here for? Wasn’t it to help out in negotiations like this?
“I may not look like much, but I’ve got serious assets. I’ve even been doing a little futures trading lately.”
“Wh-why, you… I take my eyes off you for a moment, and that’s what you get up to? I want you to unload those investments the moment we get back! The futures market eats amateurs for breakfast!”
She was very worried, but I just wiggled my fingers at her dismissively. “Listen, Darkness, I’ve got info that says an unusually large number of Snow Sprites is expected this year. That means it’s gonna be a cold one. All I did was figure out what crops are likely to be affected by a cold snap… Plus, I had professional help.”
“I never know what you’re going to do next, but I always know I’m not going to like it… And where did you meet a ‘professional’ in this line of work exactly?” Darkness was starting to gaze upon me with respect.
Count Costume, sitting across from us, didn’t so much as twitch at any of this. “No, thank you; I have quite enough money. Indeed, I presume you’re aware of my business acumen. I may not look like much, either, but I’m quite capable of squeezing every last drop of tax money out of my lands… If I may be so bold, I think in some sense that may make me even more useful to this nation than the Dustiness family, with its predilection for clean money.”
“Er… Ergh…”
Wow, for such a cute costume, this thing could play dirty. “Okay, then how about this? We use the power of the Dustiness family to push to have your territory enlarged.”
“Hey, Kazuma, you can’t offer him that!”
Count Costume watched me, shoulders shaking with amusement. “No, I’m quite satisfied with my territory as well. More land would bring me no benefit.”
Geez, what did he want?
“Hey, Darkness, don’t you outrank this guy? How about you start acting like it? Lean on him a little!” I muttered quietly.
“Don’t be stupid! I know I said I’d learned to hold my principles in abeyance sometimes, but there’s no way I can do that!”
“I can hear you, you know,” Costume informed us. And here we’d been so careful to whisper. Damn… I guess that left us only one choice.
“All right, listen up. We’re not asking you for the whole freaking kingdom or anything. We just want a bit of your fingernail. That’s all we need, and then we go home happy, those kids go home happy, and you go home happy because nobody finds out what you really are. It’s a win-win-win.”
“I get the feeling I’m being threatened,” Count Costume said, sounding intrigued and, for some reason, pleased about it.
Yeah, I was threatening him, all right.
“Heh-heh-heh! Let me tell you something, Mr. Zeeleschilt. In Axel, in our town, right? We have a certain Arch-priest of the Axis Church who goes completely insane when she sees a demon. ‘Exorcise first, ask questions later,’ that’s her motto. Just imagine what she’ll do if she finds out you turned us down…!”
“Kazuma, you’re crossing the line! I’m not even sure which of you is the devil anymore!”
Now Costume laughed so hard, his entire body shook visibly. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, I would expect no less from acquaintances of the great Vanir! I never imagined someone would come here and genuinely attempt to blackmail a demon! This is most amusing! Well, as it happens, I do have something I want. It simply isn’t a matter of money or mere material possessions.”
Darkness looked at him in shock. “I know where this is going…! A body! You have your eye on my body! You want me to offer myself up as a sacrifice to save the lives of those children! Curse you, Count Zeeleschilt! Now I know why they call you the Cruel Count! You wear that adorable costume to throw everyone off, but you’re twisted…!”
“N-no, that’s not what I had in mind. Demons have no sexual desires, nor any interest in human bodies, so I’ll thank you to disabuse yourself of your delusion!” For the first time, he seemed genuinely shaken. Then, however, he said eagerly, “You’re adventurers, are you not? Then perhaps you would be interested in trying your hand at a little game we nobles play.”
That sounded threatening. But he just looked so damn cute.
7
There was a fighting ring deep beneath the castle. As one of the servants showed us the way, Darkness explained to me what was going on. “It just so happens that some nobles have an unpleasant habit of making monsters fight each other and betting on the outcome. You remember the prince of Elroad had a griffin, yes? Among some members of the nobility, keeping a powerful monster is a sign of status.”
Count Costume had a few beasties of his own, apparently. And as for his idea…
“He wants us to fight his monsters to prove our strength, huh…?”
Gee, this might be the most adventurer-ish thing I’d done since coming to this world. Fighting a monster in mortal combat to win an ingredient I needed for medicine to help some sick kids. I guess it sounded cool when you described it that way…
“The only question is whether you can do this alone, Darkness.” That’s right: He’d specified just one opponent, and he’d picked Darkness. “I don’t know what this guy has in mind, but he wants you to do this by yourself, so don’t let your guard down, okay? He did say that demons don’t have sex drives, but I’m not so sure about that. Breaking a female knight by ravishing the hell out of her… Isn’t that, like, the most demonic thing a person can do? Who knows what kind of monster he’s got waiting in there…”
Darkness trembled a little at that. Normally, I would assume it was from fear, but…
“You’re looking forward to this, aren’t you?”
“…A-am not.”
Despite my concern, Darkness, without a hint of fear, entered the ring. Located deep beneath the castle, it looked pretty much exactly like the Roman Colosseum back on Earth. It had a dirt floor and was big enough that several dozen people could have fought in it at once.
As for me, the servant led me to a seat right beside the costumed master of the house. He watched Darkness enter the arena, then announced excitedly, “Welcome to my coliseum! Normally, the nobles come to watch the monster fights…but today, Lady Dustiness, you will be the main attraction!”
He was really getting into this, making theatrical hand gestures and everything. Other than us, the only people in the audience were servants. There must have been some kind of magical item at work, because even though we were underground, the place was lit up like midday.
Darkness faced us from the center of the arena, and with verve to match the demon’s, she shouted back, “You’re on, Count Zeeleschilt! I serve the gods as a Crusader. No matter what you throw at me, I will not be defeated!” She was also blushing a little. Was it just my imagination, or were these two really excited about this?
“I would expect no less from the long-standing and honorable Dustinesses! Excellent, most excellent! The shame, embarrassment, and inferiority you’ll feel when your precious pride is broken! That’s my favorite flavor of negative emotion! And now, my confident Crusader, show me what you can do!” With that eager shout, an iron grate on the far side of the arena began to open. Count Costume and I watched Darkness below, standing tall in the center of the field… “I thought we’d start small, Lady Dustiness. You may begin by dispatching this horde of goblins!”
Almost a dozen goblins poured out of the open tunnel!
8
It had been maybe ten minutes since Costume had started the proceedings.
““This is horrible,”” he and I both mumbled.
“Hrrrgh—! To think I would be captured by the likes of goblins…! You filthy little beasts, I know you mean to pin me down…and then what?!”
Darkness had been swinging her sword tirelessly in the middle of the arena but hadn’t managed to bring down even a single goblin. Instead, they had collectively dragged her to the ground.
“What in the world is this, Lady Dustiness…? You’re among this country’s most distinguished nobles, the victor of many a battle with generals of the Demon King. I know you cannot be bested by a simple mob of goblins… No, I see it now!” Count Costume was talking to himself and had apparently heard something he liked. “This is all part of the show! Yes, of course! If you were to use your true power, you would have wiped out these goblins in a single stroke. But you knew I could never enjoy myself that way, so you contrived to suffer at their hands…” Then he cocked his head, puzzled. He seemed to be having a whole conversation over there. “What’s more, I detect no embarrassment or feelings of inferiority from you… I see, I see… You’re choosing not to attack but to show me that you can endure the assault of any monster!” It sounded like he had a pretty serious misunderstanding going on, but just the same, he put this idea to Darkness in a somber voice.
Darkness, still on her knees, looked up at him with a grin, of all things. “It would not be fit for me to besmirch my blade with the blood of mere goblins. I do not wield this sword for the purpose of hurting your monsters, Count Zeeleschilt. Rather, I do it to protect this country!”
That sounded cool and all, but I knew she just couldn’t hit the goblins. They were too fast.
“It seems goblins aren’t enough to bring out so much as the faintest bit of your power… My goblins, you may withdraw!” Maybe the costume resembled a monster to them, because they dutifully released Darkness and went back into the tunnel. “Consider this a warning, Lady Dustiness,” Costume said, looking pleased. His voice alone was enough to put on the pressure. “I am about to release another monster! The Crusader’s natural enemy. It is an endangered species, but it has been known as the Lady Knight Killer, the Princess Knight Killer, and has gone by various other nicknames throughout the ages. Now it is considered to be only a myth.”
“Wh-what?!” Darkness exclaimed, looking just a little excited.
“Yes, you’ve heard of it, I am sure! That monstrous enemy of women everywhere…”
“Wait! The enemy of women?! You don’t mean… Not a magically augmented Slime? Or a tentacle monster? No, you said it was an endangered species… You bastard! It can’t be!”
Darkness’s voice was getting higher and higher, and Costume raised his hand, looking happier and happier. “I see you’ve guessed what’s next! The mortal enemy of Crusaders like you, once spoken of in the same breath as goblins as a major monster!” A cage beside the arena clanked open. “Come forth, my pure-blooded orcs! Demonstrate why you are feared by women the world over!”
And there they were: male orcs. I’d thought they were already extinct.
Two of them came rushing out of the cage.
The orcs looked awfully wary of Darkness, red-faced and shaking. “I can’t believe this! I’d heard male orcs were extinct!” Darkness exclaimed with joy, and Costume laughed, pleased.
“Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I’m going to enjoy this! The proud soul of an Eris-worshipping Crusader, humbled on the ground by a pair of sex-starved orcs! Here come the best bad vibes of all: pure humiliation!”
It was orcs versus a lady knight. Man! First a quest to get the ingredients for some medicine to help a little girl, and now this! It was like a fantasy-world greatest-hits collection! Why did I feel so excited when Darkness was about to be subjected to a terrible fate? I couldn’t allow them to actually violate her, but I guess I could let them have a little fun for a few minutes. I figured Darkness herself wouldn’t mind.
“Damn it all!” I shouted. “I desperately want to come help you, but if I interfere, everything you’ve endured will be for nothing! Stay strong, Darkness! Don’t let those orc bastards beat you!”
“Why do you look like you’ve got front-row seats to the show of the century?! Okay, so I admit I can’t have you helping me, but I’m not so sure about the eager expression on your face, either!”
“Very good! Now, my orcs, attack!” Count Costume shouted, and the orcs exchanged glances at each other, and…
…curled up their piglike tails and slunk back into their cage.
“Hey, Darkness, what the hell? Did you do something to those orcs?! Have you ever, like, used all your money to buy an orc baby and tormented it?”
“Who would do that? I might be a pervert, but I’m not that bad! Why are these things so scared of me?!”
That was an excellent question.
“Yo, Count Costume, what’s the deal? You need to keep your orcs in line!”
“You have no right to speak to me that way! But I don’t understand… Why do my orcs look so afraid…?! …Ah, I see, the blessing all Crusaders possess has terrified those evil creatures!”
When he said that, it all fell into place for me.
So that’s it.
I’d bet those orcs were traumatized as kids by the females around them…
“Fine, I see this is too much for you. Withdraw!” Costume said, and the orcs hightailed it out of there.
“What’s the matter, Count Zeeleschilt?! Weren’t you going to humiliate me? You’re hardly living up to your nickname, Cruel Count!”
“Grrr…!”
As Darkness mocked Count Costume, she looked incredibly disappointed, as if her wish hadn’t come true. I hoped she wasn’t forgetting what we’d come here for.
“Heh-heh-heh-kah-ha-ha-ha! You’ve wildly exceeded my expectations, Lady Dustiness! I see goblins and even orcs are no match for you. Instead, I myself shall be your opponent!”
Was he serious?!
“You’re gonna fight in that costume?” I exclaimed. “Come on—it’s too early to give up. You’ve got to have something nastier around! I mean, you have male orcs, for crying out loud! You must at least have a magically augmented Slime or a tentacle monster or something!”
“I concede I do have such things. But Lady Dustiness remained unfazed even in the face of two lusty male orcs. I don’t believe any of my other pets would intimidate her enough. After all, this entire time, I haven’t gotten even a whiff of terror or panic from the good lady!”
Oh, those monsters would work. On her, they would work better than anything. But Count Costume was already jumping down into the arena with an agility that belied his ridiculous appearance.
“Huh?!” Darkness exclaimed when the costumed figure suddenly appeared in front of her.
“Now, show me your power, Lady Dustiness! And let me feast upon those delectable bad vibes when you are finally broken, humiliated, and left in the dust!”
And then the guy in the fancy costume spread his arms wide and lunged at Darkness!
9
“…I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
“No kidding.”
We had left Count Zeeleschilt’s castle, and now Darkness, deeply disappointed, was guiding our carriage around the little town as we looked for someplace to stay. “I never imagined you’d be such a good fit for a demon like that,” I said from beside her on the driver’s bench.
“………I’m so sorry.”
“No kidding.”
Zeeleschilt, the “Cruel Count.”
When he’d gone into battle with Darkness, he’d sure lived up to his name.
“…I can’t believe you would forget yourself so completely and indulge in ‘play’ like that…”
“Gods, you make it sound so sordid! It was the first time I’d ever experienced anything like that, okay? I never thought something like that would come flying out of something that looked so cute…”
So the demon had gone after Darkness himself. He’d undone the clasp on his back, and what emerged was…
“Hey, I got a great view of the whole thing, so it’s fine by me…”
“I want you to forget about that! Arrrgh… First Vanir, now Count Zeeleschilt. I’m just so bad with demons!”
For the sake of Darkness’s honor, I won’t go into detail regarding exactly what happened, but…
“I guess my one saving grace is that demons have no sex drive…,” she muttered.
“And after you said you loved me…”
Darkness couldn’t quite meet my critical gaze.
I didn’t know what we’d do next, though. I guess that costumed demon had been trying to terrify Darkness, but this sicko couldn’t get enough. Count Costume never got the negative emotions he was craving and ended up storming off. I wasn’t sure we’d get another crack at negotiating after this…
I was just starting to really worry when a very familiar Thief appeared in front of our carriage.
“Hey, Darkness. Look who it is.”
“…I’m so sorry… Huh? Is that Chris? What’s she doing here?”
The silver-haired figure waving down our carriage was my Thief-Chief, Chris. I didn’t know what she was doing here, but at least part of it became clear soon enough. As Chris rushed over to our carriage, she turned to the still-despondent Darkness and said:
“Hey, buddy! I’m here to help you!”
And she grinned wide.
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