Chapter 3
Salvation for This Stalking Victim!
1
“And just then, Darkness was like, ‘…I can’t help it; I really do like you…’ ”
“Eep!”
“A-and what happened then? What happened?! Oh, Kazuma, what did you say to her?!”
“I’ll tell you what I said. I said, ‘I have Megumin already. So I’m sorry, but you have to give up on me…’ ”
“Eeeeeeeek!”
“Just a second! You and Megumin are an item?! Oh, Kazuma, were you always this popular?!”
After the party to celebrate Sylphina’s recovery, I had some time to kill, so I decided to head to the Adventurers Guild to hang out, where I was regaling some adventurers I knew with tales of my explosive popularity with the opposite sex.
“Well, it’s only natural. After all, I have defeated lots of powerful opponents, and they even wrote a newspaper article about me the other day! Have a look at this, ladies!” And then I proudly displayed to the two female adventurers the newspaper I’d been carrying around.
Live a quiet, humble life? Pfft. I had beaten some genuinely tough enemies, and I didn’t see anything wrong with letting people admire me for it.
When the girls saw the article with my name, though, they gave me quizzical looks. “Hey, this paper is published in the capital, right?”
“Why are you in there, Kazuma?”
I’d been expecting more showers of praise, not puzzled questions about my article.
“What’s with the weird looks, you two? Are you worried I’ll go away somewhere now that I’m famous? Well, never fear—I won’t leave this town behind. You and me, we’ll stay friends just like we always have been…”
“Nah, we’re not worried about that.”
“Yeah, not even thinking about it.”
Wow, that took a turn in a hurry.
“What is it, then? You jealous that I’m in the newspaper and you’re not?”
The girls looked at each other. “You know it’ll put a bull’s-eye on your back for other adventurers who want to be famous, right?”
Yet again, I felt something dangerous coming on.
“So that’s what some adventurer friends told me, but it’s okay, isn’t it? I’m not going to be attacked or whatever, am I? I mean, to just jump out at someone, that would be a crime, right?”
We were in the living room of my mansion. Darkness had the newspaper clipping in her hand, and she was trembling. She seemed bothered somehow that I had leaned on the authority of her household to put pressure on the newspaper publisher.
“Wh-why, you…! You threatened someone with my name again, and for something so stupid…! Megumin, where are you going?! Lecture Kazuma with me!”
Megumin, holding Chomusuke in her arms, was trying to make an escape to the second floor. Meanwhile, Aqua looked at the newspaper clipping and then tugged on my sleeve.
“Kazuma, Kazuma, can I have this clipping, please? Here, look here—they wrote about a mysterious blue-haired beauty of an Arch-priest.”
“No way! This article talks about me, too, and I want to keep it. See how it describes me as the strongest of the weakest? It makes a guy’s edgelord heart sing. Anyway, Darkness, it’s fine, right? Public safety is great in this town; if any adventurers get to making too much trouble, the police are right on them, yeah?”
Darkness, still restraining Megumin, heaved a sigh. “The Adventurers Guild permits duels between adventurers. Remember when you fought that guy with the enchanted sword? Well, anyway, I guess even if the worst should happen, as long as Aqua is here…”
“Then it’s okay if I just drop dead?! Screw you!”
This country has laws about the weirdest little things, so what’s with the giant loopholes?!
Megumin, with Darkness still holding her by the collar, suddenly smiled reassuringly. “Goodness, there is no need for concern, Kazuma. Even if some adventurer should challenge you, I shall drive them away. So please do your bragging with complete peace of mind.”
“Don’t get too soft with this guy, Megumin! I’ve been thinking lately. You’ve been wildly overprotective! I want to know what happened between you two!” Darkness was getting more and more agitated, but Megumin turned on her, her eyes blazing red. “What happened, you ask? Are you sure you wish to pose such a question?”
“Huh?” Darkness was temporarily cowed by Megumin’s sudden show of force and let go of her collar.
“If I seem overprotective! It is because a certain girl! Saw an opportunity! And veritably devoured the lips of a man she knew had the attention of someone else!”
“‘D-devoured’?! Megumin, you make it sound so sordid…!” Darkness said, backing away.
Megumin looked up at her. “I thought you were just a poor, sheltered princess, so I decided to give you a chance to find closure on your feelings! And yet, not content with expressing how you feel, last night you had to try to have your way with someone else’s man with that sexy body of yours!”
“I—I w-wasn’t having anything…! Come on, Kazuma—say something to her!”
Personally, I was more interested in that remark about “someone else’s man.” Had I gained a new rank somewhere along the line? Gone from being more than friends and less than lovers to Megumin’s “man”?
The catfight was just getting good when Aqua slammed her fist down on the table. “You’ve changed, Kazuma. You aren’t the virgin NEET I knew and relied on! When did you fall to the position of harem protagonist?”
Some of us might say that was moving up the ladder, not down.
“Now, listen, Aqua, and listen good. There is no such thing as plain friendship between a man and a woman. And even if there were, eventually at least one of them is going to start noticing the other as a member of the opposite sex, and it’ll drive them to distraction. And if there’s a strong, reliable, economically established man with a bright future around, like me? Oh yeah. I knew this would happen from the start.” I leaned back on the couch, languorously stroking Chomusuke, who had jumped out of Megumin’s arms.
“You sound as strange as ever, Kazuma. But what’s even weirder is that I’ve been with you all this time, but for some reason, you don’t ‘distract’ me at all.”
“Funny, I was thinking the same thing. My heart beats a little faster any time I’m around a woman…but that doesn’t happen with you.”
…………
Aqua and I both struck our most threatening poses and closed the distance to each other.
“And another thing: the way you dress around the house these days, Darkness! The clothing you wear leaves so little to the imagination! Even a night worker would blush after seeing you; are you that desperate for Kazuma to pay attention to you? You want him to see you, don’t you? Like how when you get out of the bath, you always happen to wander right past him for no good reason!” Next to Aqua and me, Megumin was scolding Darkness for her provocative pajamas. Now that I thought about it, it did seem like Darkness had been getting teasingly close to me a lot lately.
“I-I-I-I’m not—! It’s just hot these days!”
“It’s almost winter!”
Was this, like…? Darkness had talked about giving up on me and had left me with just a kiss the other day, but was she really trying to get my attention after all?
“To display these so prominently! You know Kazuma is weak-willed, and you must stop trying to tempt him like a siren!”
“I’m not trying to tempt any—Ow, ow, ow! Megumin, don’t grab them so hard! You’re going to tear my pajamas, and then there really will be trouble!”
………
“Hah! An opening!”
“Guh!”
With my attention momentarily arrested by Darkness, Aqua came in with a low-altitude dropkick. She landed it right in my stomach, and I doubled over.
“Take that, Harem NEET!” she exclaimed.
I’m gonna kill her!
I couldn’t talk through the pain, but Chomusuke came over and looked at me. Then she shifted her attention toward one of the mansion’s windows and started staring outside, not moving.
“I wonder what’s wrong with her,” Aqua said. “If she wants to go out, she normally scratches at the window and meows, but she’s not even moving right now.”
“Owww… Maybe she saw something she shouldn’t? Like a ghost?” I said, finally recovering from the pain.
Aqua pattered over to the window and looked out, where she exclaimed: “Hey! A stray ghost from the town is fumbling around! I’ve been cleaning out that communal cemetery just like I’m supposed to, so what’s that thing doing here?!”
At that, I, along with Megumin and Darkness, their argument temporarily suspended, looked at Aqua.
“…Hey, don’t assume this is my fault just because there are some ghosts out there. I didn’t have anything to do with it this time! They don’t actually look like stray ghosts. I think this one’s been summoned!”
Summoned? But only the ultrarare Advanced Class Necromancers could do that, or maybe the “King of the Undead,” a Lich. And there were no Necromancers in town right now. Which meant…
Aqua met my eyes and nodded as if to say she understood. “We let our guard down because she serves us tea and snacks every time we show up at her shop, but it turns out a Lich is still a Lich! I already took my bath and got into my jammies for tonight, so I don’t want to go out, but first thing tomorrow morning, we’re going to deal with this!”
Geez, just go now.
2
The next morning. As a favor to Aqua, who had been begging for fish recently, Megumin had agreed to do her daily explosion over at the lake and recruited Darkness as her piggyback person; they left early in the morning. I guess she was getting a little tired of doing all her explosions over the water. But anyway, that left Aqua and me to go to Wiz’s shop.
“Comin’ through!” Aqua, uncommonly excited, punched open the door with a slam and barged into the store.
Vanir was waiting for us. “O loser woman who is very noisy so early in the morning. What in the world has brought you to this shop? I am quite busy right now. Please save your silly little games for later.”
“I’m here to give Wiz a piece of my mind for neglecting her duty to keep the town’s ghosts in check. Now, where is she? And what exactly do you mean by ‘loser woman’? If it means most high and beautiful Lady Aqua, then I might be able to see my way to praying that when your extra lives hit zero, you at least get reborn as a paramecium.”
“The expression refers to a woman who has missed out, who is such a lightweight that even the young harem man is not interested in her… S-stop that! I am more than happy to stand against you any time you wish to attack me, but don’t change my stock into water!”
And there they went fighting again, but the one person we had come to see wasn’t here.
“Hey, Vanir,” I said, “where is Wiz? We do need to talk to her.”
“If you’re looking for my prodigal shopkeeper, she went off somewhere yesterday evening and hasn’t come back. I have never sensed there to be a man around her. A good night with some guy somewhere might be a nice change of pace for her.”
“Wait, you must be kidding! She always looks so sweet and innocent! First Kazuma, now her—why is everyone so horny?!”
I was just feeling bad for Wiz having to endure this slander when she wasn’t here to defend herself when the floor of the shop started to glow. I looked at it curiously and saw a magic circle forming. And then someone appeared in the light…
“Vanir, help me, please!”
It was Wiz. She had used Teleport to get here, I assumed.
“Turn Undead!”
“Heeeeek!”
Aqua’s purification ambush got a scream out of Wiz, who turned partially transparent.
“What the hell are you doing?! Look at what’s happening to Wiz!”
“Calm down, you nosy NEET. This is just a little punishment for releasing those ghosts.”
How did that work exactly?
“O promiscuous shopkeeper, where have you been wandering that you were out until this hour? It was you who said we had a delivery coming early this morning!”
“That’s right; that’s a good question! You go around trying to look like the most innocent, sweetest little thing, and then you’re out until the crack of dawn! I know what a soft touch you are, and I’m sure some awful man has taken advantage of you! Someone just like Kazuma, for example!”
Grrr. If I didn’t put this idiot in her place every once in a while, she started to get carried away. While I contemplated what I would do to Aqua, Wiz waved her hands frantically. “W-wait just a second, both of you! First I get purified out of nowhere, and now you’re bombarding me with these terrible assumptions?!” She was on the verge of tears from the attack.
“Just forget about these two,” I said. “But what’s going on? You seem really frazzled.”
Despite that, Wiz’s face was surprisingly unruffled, considering we could almost see right through her; maybe the purification spell really was just a light punishment for her. She hugged herself protectively and said, “I have a stalker!”
“Here, have some nice tea and calm down. A warm drink is best when you’ve had a scary experience.”
Wiz took a sip of the tea and let out a breath. “Th-thank you, Lady Aqua… But this tea makes my body sort of numb when I drink it…”
“So what the heck happened? I mean, with this stalker or whatever,” I said from where I was perched on a chair now that Wiz seemed a little calmer.
“A stalker—that’s right! It happened last night…”
There was this one shop that made little side dishes to go with dinner, and around sunset every night, they threw out their vegetable scraps. Wiz had asked them to give her the scraps and was picking them up as she headed back to her shop.
This store was in a side alley where there naturally weren’t many people. But then, according to Wiz, she found her way blocked by a man whose face was covered by a hood.
“He was wearing pitch-black robes, and without ever removing his hood, he said: ‘My name is Duke. I have traveled far to meet you… For years, I have studied you, have thought only about you…’”
Man, talk about obsessed. Even Aqua was looking a bit repulsed.
“He continued: ‘I have focused single-mindedly on training myself. And do you know why?’ Of course, I told him I had no idea. And then…!”
It must have been really scary, because Wiz hesitated for a second before she went on:
“‘In order to attack you!’ he shouted, and just as he whipped off his robe, I started running… I was too scared to come back to my shop after that, so I summoned those ghosts to see if I could find out where the stalker had gone…”
This stalker sounded more serious than I had expected. I never would have imagined a crime like that taking place in this town, not even in a side alley late at night…
“I see. So that’s why there were all those ghosts wandering around,” Aqua said. “I guess that’s okay, then, but make sure you put them back where you found them, all right?”
“What are they, dogs and cats? You should go send them back to Heaven. Anyway, so what, you’re saying that stalker’s been staking out the shop, and you haven’t been able to come back until now?”
Wiz shook her head at my little summary. “No, I don’t know for sure. I sent those ghosts all over town, but I haven’t heard anything from any of them… In fact, it seems like most of them have been exorcised…”
An unrelenting stalker who could also purify spirits?
“So you think the Axis Church is behind this?”
“Mm, there is no need to avail ourselves of my all-seeing eye to solve this mystery.”
“Hold on a second, you two! Don’t go accusing my poor, sweet lambs of criminal activity!”
As Aqua objected to Vanir’s and my speculation, Wiz said hesitantly, “Um… That being the case, could I ask you to intervene somehow…?”
Wiz was in a really tough spot right now.
“But you don’t even know where this black-robed stalker is, do you? Hey, you. You’re always bragging about how powerful you are, so lend us a hand.”
“I don’t need you to tell me that. I have been using my all-seeing powers throughout this conversation, but I can’t seem to determine the stalker’s whereabouts. It would seem he is not your garden-variety pervert. If he can go undetected against my vision, he must be quite the formidable opponent.”
A very powerful pervert? Things were getting dangerous around here.
Vanir seemed to be thinking about something, but then he suddenly clapped his hands. “O late-blooming shopkeeper, we are coming at this from the wrong direction. There are not so many people who care so deeply about you as this person. Depending on this man’s ‘specs,’ you may wish to consider compromising, yes?”
“N-no, I wouldn’t! Not for someone who attacked me the first time he saw me! And don’t call me a ‘late bloomer’!”
I felt like I recognized the way Vanir was acting. Yeah, it was the same way I’d acted when I was trying to get Darkness married out of the party. But just as I was realizing this…
“Is Miss Wiz here? I have mail for her!”
“Oh, thank you!”
A postman showed up at the door and gave Wiz a letter. She took it, but when she looked inside, her face darkened again.
“A letter from your stalker, I believe. If I study it with my all-seeing vision, perhaps I can determine where he is. Shall I seek him out and then attack him?” Vanir seemed uncommonly cooperative. Maybe he was worried about his co-renter.
“I appreciate that, Vanir—I really do. But I’ll handle this myself. This letter says the man will be waiting in the wilderness outside town tomorrow.” She squeezed the letter in her hand, looking thoroughly determined. “I… I’ve never known someone to be interested in me before, and I want to give him a serious answer!” she said firmly.
“And that’s how we decided Wiz was going to settle this tomorrow.”
That evening, we were eating dinner in the living room of the mansion, and I was explaining what had happened. Megumin and Darkness both looked somewhat unsettled.
“A stalker, you say? My self-proclaimed rival is certainly guilty of that sort of behavior from time to time, and it makes me worry somewhat for her future… She is apt to totally forget herself when she is on the chase. I know just how scary her type can be when she loses it.”
She was talking about Yunyun, of course.
“I can’t believe someone that twisted would show up in our peaceful little town, though,” Darkness said, growing agitated even as she delicately sliced the meat on her plate. “A ruffian who would cause such trouble to our good citizens should be ashamed!”
“I really don’t think you should be talking down twisted people,” I said.
“T-take that back!”
Meanwhile, Aqua had finished dinner before the rest of us and was feeding Emperor Zel where he sat on her knees. Suddenly, she said: “You know, Wiz talked about ‘finishing things,’ but she’s so soft, I can’t imagine how she intends to do it. Maybe she means to take him up on his confession of love. Megumin and Darkness have both been so lust-addled lately. If even Wiz gets a boyfriend, I won’t have anyone left to hang out with…”
“I am not lust-addled, Aqua! Unlike Darkness with her sneaking around at night and wearing salacious outfits, I am a pure maiden who hasn’t even been kissed yet!”
“Hey…!” said the impure Darkness, tears brimming in her eyes, but I had a thought. Wiz was fundamentally super nice to people. If this guy really pushed, she wouldn’t be able to say no to him; he could definitely talk her into starting out as friends if nothing else. Frankly, Wiz was at least as vulnerable as Yunyun to that gambit.
Was it really safe to let Wiz go by herself? Heck, I was so popular these days, it wasn’t inconceivable that Wiz might even fall in love with me and ultimately end up becoming part of my harem.
…Okay, no, no, no!
That’s not how it’s going to work, Kazuma Satou! What would you do with a harem? You already turned down Darkness anyway.
But that was that, and this was this. I wouldn’t be laughing if Wiz, a good friend of mine, followed some guy from who-knows-where off to a sketchy place.
And that meant…!
“Uh, hey, Kazuma? What’s with the nasty face?”
“Take a good look, Aqua. This is the face of a man who’s going to protect his friend.”
3
The next morning. I was waiting outside the store, and my eyes just about popped out of my head when I saw how Wiz was dressed. She looked incredibly, well, adult.
Maybe it was because I had only ever seen her in those shapeless robes or an apron, or maybe because everyone with me seemed like such a kid, but it was really novel and refreshing.
“Come on, Kazuma—this is no time to stand around gawking. Hurry up and use your Ambush skill.”
Darkness’s demand brought me back to my senses, and I quickly activated my skill. Confident now that we wouldn’t be noticed, we quietly trailed Wiz to the edge of town.
“Uh, Kazuma, I’m kind of feeling like a stalker myself right now,” Aqua said. “Even if Wiz solves her problem today, won’t we become her next stalkers?”
“Hush! You don’t mean that. This isn’t stalking; this is just keeping an eye on things from a distance to make sure a friend doesn’t get into trouble.”
“I believe that is what we call stalking.”
I didn’t deign to respond to Aqua’s and Megumin’s quips. I just continued following Wiz. Finally, we were outside of town, and just as Wiz had described, there was a dark figure standing in the middle of a vast wilderness. There was nothing in the area that would conveniently keep us hidden. If we got any closer, Wiz and her stalker might notice us. But from this distance, we wouldn’t be able to hear what they were saying. I activated my Second Sight and Read Lips skills so I could follow their conversation.
“It seems you received my letter. I’m impressed you decided to come.”
“After what you said, how could I not…?”
Perfect, I could still pick up what they were saying from here.
“It’s been so long… You don’t know how I’ve searched for you. When I heard you were running a magic-item shop in this town, I doubted my own ears. And yet, here we are. My long and arduous journey was worth it in the end.”
“D-did you really come all this way just to see me?”
This was heavy stuff the guy in the hood was saying. Wiz responded with a drawn face.
Just as I was really getting pulled into the conversation, I felt a tug on my sleeve. “Kazuma, Kazuma, don’t keep it all to yourself—tell us what they’re saying. What’s going on?”
“I can only tell you what I’m picking up with my Read Lips skill, so I might not be quite right about this… But it sounds like that guy came from way far away just to tell Wiz he loves her.”
“““Huh?!”””
I ignored the women’s astonished exclamations and activated my skill again.
“I think you know why I’ve called you here, yes? It’s as I told you when we met the other day… I’ve forged myself single-mindedly, thinking of only one thing: you!”
“B-but this is all so sudden! Besides, this is the first time something like this has ever happened to me, and I don’t know what to say! Besides besides, the way you behaved, right there in the middle of town, no less! I don’t think much of it!” Wiz was burning red from the passionate appeal.
“Kazuma, Wiz is beet red. What the hell is going on?”
“‘I’ve only ever thought of you; I worked really hard to win you; I’m super great and whatever.’ Strong guys always think they must be lady-killers.”
“What passion, and on what seems virtually a first meeting!” Darkness was turning red with excitement. The man must have been getting pretty into this himself, because he was talking so loudly, we could hear him faintly even at this distance.
“I realize now that I was hasty in my actions. I tried very hard to pick an alleyway where no one would see us…”
“Not being seen isn’t the only thing that matters! For something like what you did, you’re supposed to wait until you know each other better, take your time…”
So this guy wasn’t just some random perv. He was a lost cause. Pretty much the opposite of me, a guy who couldn’t make anything happen even with Darkness and Megumin practically throwing themselves at me. But you know what? I didn’t really want to be like him.
“Yes, I see… I will admit that it’s not very fair when only one of us knows about the other. In that case, I suppose I must tell you about myself…”
“Y-yes, you certainly must. All I know so far is your name…”
Seeming troubled, the guy threw back his hood. The face that appeared was so handsome, you could practically have mistaken him for a woman. Maybe Wiz wasn’t expecting him to be quite so pretty, either, because she blushed slightly.
“My name is Duke. I specialize in fire-type advanced magic. That makes me your polar opposite, given your focus is on ice-type advanced magic.”
“A-at least you’re not trying to hide that we aren’t very compatible that way. I appreciate your honesty… But to think you discovered even that about me…”
Wiz was naturally a little leery of this guy with his highly stalker-ish pronouncements. But Duke laughed as if he was actually proud of it. “But of course! And I know that back when you were human, you were known as the Ice Witch!”
“J-just a second! You even know I’m not human?!” Wiz was amazed by this revelation; even I was taken aback.
“Hey, Kazuma, you stopped interpreting for us! Wiz looks so surprised; what’s going on?!” Aqua asked anxiously, shaking me.
“That guy knows Wiz is a Lich and what kind of magic she specializes in. He’s done his homework. It shows how serious he is.”
“He’s not your average stalker, I see…! He takes perviness to a whole new level!”
“I am starting to feel that if I was to blow him away with Explosion to allow Wiz to escape, it would be the best thing for this world and everyone in it!”
We could be as shocked as we wanted; it didn’t stop Duke.
“I know everything about you! I understand you better than anyone in this world! Now I have told you about myself! We can continue our little conversation!”
“W-w-w-wait just a second! You’re coming on so strong! I have to emotionally prepare myself! T-tell me, you know I’m an undead, yet you’re not afraid? You even pursued me?” Wiz was backing away under the force of Duke’s enthusiasm.
“Do you seek to insult me? A Lich is not even worthy of my fear!”
“R-really…! That’s quite a claim…”
Damn him, trying to act all manly!
“Hey, Kazuma, Wiz is obviously shaken! That guy must have said he doesn’t care that she’s an undead or something! That he isn’t afraid of Liches!” Darkness was trembling. “To confront the so-called Queen of the Undead, the one hated and feared by all, and yet be unmoved…! This is true love! Wh-what should I do, Kazuma? I sort of want to root for this man…!”
Pervs of a feather, I guess. She seemed to understand this guy on some level I didn’t want to know about.
“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard! Not caring that someone is undead? If you’re going to spout heresy like that, you might as well pick a fight directly with the gods! I admit that Wiz is nice and chilly to the touch and would probably be pleasant to hug while you slept on a summer night, but she’s still basically a living corpse, right?! And necrophilia is beyond the pale!”
“Y-you are right, I dare say, that the expression living corpse would describe her… But, Aqua, you mustn’t say that in front of Wiz… You’ll make her cry…”
I ignored my jabbering companions and, feeling my hands start to sweat, watched the situation develop.
“Enough prattle! Face me in combat, Ice Witch!”
“What?! Wh-why would we do that?!”
Hmm?
“Why, you ask? It’s obvious! So that I can demonstrate my power to you and convince you to quit your job!”
“Whaaaat?!”
What a thing.
“Come on, Kazuma—tell us what’s happening! What are they saying? I have to know!” Aqua shook me violently.
I turned to her and said somberly, “That guy just challenged Wiz to fight him. And he wants her to quit her job if he wins.”
Darkness seemed even more shocked than before. “One of Wiz’s jobs is running that magic-item shop. But…if I recall correctly, the owner of that real-estate shop asked her to get rid of some undead and periodically send the ghosts in the communal cemetery back to Heaven. That’s one of her jobs, too!”
“So he doesn’t want the person he loves to be doing dangerous work! But maybe he doesn’t know that Aqua already took over for Wiz on that front, and she isn’t in charge of the cemetery anymore. But what this boils down to is…”
Yes, what it meant was…
“Y-y-you want me to marry you…?!”
That was the gist of it. I’ll protect you, he was saying, so quit this dangerous business and join my family.
It was some confession of love. Was that what a real man was like? I was starting to feel ashamed of myself, letting a burst of emotion make me think about interfering.
“I will take up the work on your behalf! Now, let us go! You…” As Duke shouted about whatever, he tossed back his cape. He was just casting it aside as Wiz, her face still red, intoned her spell.
“Teleport!”
While we were frozen with astonishment at this passionate proposal, Wiz made her move. Maybe it was all too much for someone so inexperienced in the ways of love. Whatever the reason, she teleported away and disappeared.
4
“Another day has passed, and Wiz still hasn’t come back. I’m running out of places to chill. I’ve got lots of time on my hands now.”
It had been three days now since Wiz had gone missing. People were still reporting that they had seen that guy around town, so apparently, he hadn’t given up yet.
“I guess springing a proposal on someone so inexperienced at love was a pretty big reach. Truly, the path of love is a difficult one. Even a man as popular as me hasn’t fully mastered it yet.”
“Yeesh, you get a little popularity and you think you’re such hot stuff, but you’re still just a virgin NEET.”
Aqua could sass me all she wanted, but I, having changed classes to Guy in a Real, Actual Relationship, wasn’t even bothered. “I’m gonna eat out tonight, so you don’t have to bother making dinner for me. I probably won’t be back tonight, either.”
“Where do you go at night? If you’re going drinking, take me with you!”
I had changed my clothes and now stood at the front door, Aqua looking at me expectantly. “Sorry, boys’ night out. I’ll leave you some spare change, so go get something to drink and share it with the others.”
“Kazuma, you’re the best! We’ll watch the house for you while you’re gone!” Aqua said as she snatched up the money I’d handed her.
It was true I was going out to drink, but that wasn’t the only thing I had in mind today. It was this other, secret goal that having Aqua along would really have interfered with. And what was that goal? Oh, you know. Good vibe with Megumin or no, that was never going to be enough by itself. In fact, it was downright gentlemanly of me to make sure I wouldn’t feel I had to be pushy when the moment arrived.
And so, with Aqua waving good-bye, I headed out on the town…
“Hey, Kazuma, what’s wrong? You keep looking at that guy. You know him or something?”
I was at a drinking establishment—not one I went to enough to be called a regular but definitely a place I stopped by from time to time. The blond-haired punk of an adventurer Dust was asking me an annoyingly perceptive question.
“Know him? Nah, not really…”
My usual MO on nights when I was going to stay out was to kill time with the other guys at a place like this until late at night, when the succubus ladies would be plying their trade. But this time…
“Yo, new face, I see—but a handsome one. My name’s Dust. People know me around these parts.”
“…You showed up out of nowhere. Do you have some business with me?”
As soon as he found out the guy wasn’t someone I knew, Dust went over and introduced himself.
“I told you my name. This is the part where you tell me yours. Don’t you know how to be polite? Huh?”
“………My name is Duke. Again: Do you have some business with me?”
It was the very hooded man who had proposed to Wiz. I thought about trying to stop Dust, but I remembered that this Duke guy could use advanced magic. That meant he was a high-level adventurer, and he certainly didn’t need my help looking out for himself. And if Dust got himself hurt in the process? Well, you might say he earned it.
“I haven’t seen you around. You a new adventurer? Like I said, I’ve got some connections in this town. You treat me to a round of drinks, it might come back to you someday, y’know?”
“Oh-ho. You mean to help me, do you? Very well, it might be worth venturing out into society. How else could I have such interesting experiences?”
Duke stood up, radiating an almost physical pressure. Heck, he had challenged Wiz to a battle. A drunken idiot like Dust didn’t stand a chance.
The blond-haired punk, though, held out a hand and smiled for some reason. “Heh, you pass. You’ve got it; that’s perfect for an adventurer. If we don’t project authority, we’re finished. I like to see how newbies react to me. If they just agree to pony up, I tell ’em to go home to whatever backwater they crawled out of, because they ain’t cut out to be adventurers. But when they’ve got balls, like you, I buy ’em a round.”
“…Is that so? A most intriguing enterprise.” Duke sat back down, looking genuinely interested. As for the blond-haired loser, he motioned the server to refill Duke’s drink, then made his exit with a “See ya!” Finally, he worked his way back to me, looking remarkably relaxed…
“The hell is that guy’s problem, Kazuma? You shoulda warned me he was gonna be trouble! I ended up having to buy him a drink!”
“H-hey, don’t blame me… How strong did he look to you anyway?” Dust might have left something to be desired in the lifestyle and personality departments, but he was actually a pretty sharp adventurer. If he could tell me how strong Duke looked, maybe I could set Wiz’s mind at ea—
“He’s trouble for sure. More dangerous than anyone I’ve ever met, I reckon. Like, major-bounty-head or general-of-the-Demon-King level.”
“In other words… About as strong as me, you mean?” Huh, so that was not sounding great for Wiz, I figured. I left Dust where he was sitting, looking as if he wanted to make some sort of comeback at me, and went over to Duke.
“Hey, buddy, got a second? My name is Satou. Kazuma Satou, strongest adventurer in town.”
“Ugh, so another one of you freaks is here to—Satou? Did you say Kazuma Satou?! The Kazuma Satou?!”
I was more famous than I’d thought. Not that it was much of a surprise, what with me being in the newspaper and all. Of course other powerful guys would come to check me out. Smiling with all the nonchalance I could muster, I said, “That’s right, the one and only. Kazuma Satou, slayer of lots of bounty heads and defeater of the Demon King’s generals.”
“The Kazuma Satou, the one who does nothing but order his comrades around without contributing anything significant to the battle?! The one who was murdered by a pack of kobolds?!”
…………
I shut my mouth, feeling like I might cry, but now Duke was looking at me with real interest. “I see, yes—it seems the rumors were true. You have the reek of a small fry. I’d heard something about an ascended NEET whose party defeated one general after another under his orders, but it seems there’s been some mistake…”
“Ooh, them’s fighting words.” Here I was trying to be friendly, and he went and said something like that!
“Hmm… I came to this town in hopes of challenging a certain woman here… I see now, yes. I’d intended to wait until it was all over, but when I think about it, there’s no point waiting for that. I can complete my hunt as a sort of side quest, as it were.”
“Stop that! You’re making it sound like you’re gonna drop by the store to pick up something on the way home. What, you wanna go? Just so you know, I’m stronger than you think, okay? It’s no accident that I have all those high-profile kills under my belt! And I’ve got the Dustiness family backing me up, so you’d better know what you’re getting yourself into if you pick a fight with me! You’ll regret it! And I have lots of strong friends, too!”
I was trying to make sure Duke wouldn’t underestimate me. The reason the second half of my threat kind of went off the rails a bit was definitely not because I was starting to get intimidated myself by the way Duke was squinting at me as I talked.
“Huh, fine. There are others I must prioritize over you at this moment anyway. I’ll let you go for now.”
“H-hey, I’m a man who does what he says he’s gonna do, when he says he’s gonna do it! Around here, they call me Mr. Amazing When He Puts His Mind to It! It’s just, for your sake, I’ll put my mind to it tomorrow…or the next day!”
Oh yeah! I sure told him!
I couldn’t shake the sense that my parting shot was like the last howl of a dying dog, but at least now I could tell people I hadn’t just let him make fun of me. I realized, though, how close I’d come to being challenged to a fight.
Come to think of it, a fellow adventurer had warned me that now that I’d been in the newspaper and was all famous, people would come after me. That was a close one. It might even have been too late already, but I would have to be more careful from now on.
“All right, well, I guess I’ll let you—”
—go for today, I was about to say, when it hit me. That wasn’t what I was here for. I was forgetting why I’d come over in the first place. “Hey, this person you say is more important than me—it’s Wiz, right?”
Duke reacted immediately when I said that. Before I knew what had happened, he had a black-bladed knife at my throat, and his eyes were boring into mine. “How the hell do you know that? How are you connected to Wiz?”
“G-g-g-geez, calm down, calm down!” I said, my voice going up an octave. “I’m just a friend! But if her friend died, Wiz would be sad, right?!”
“…I don’t know how much you know about Wiz,” Duke said, “but I warn you not to get too deeply involved with her. A minnow like you shouldn’t swim carelessly around a shark like her.” With that, Duke put away the knife. Talk about short-tempered. All I did was mention Wiz’s name, and he’d damn near slit my throat. He must have been really crazy about her.
“I know you’re after Wiz,” I said. “And what’s more, I’m rooting for you.”
“What did you say?” Duke asked, taken aback. “…Aren’t you supposed to be Wiz’s friend?”
“It’s exactly because I’m her friend. Wiz isn’t cut out for the work she’s doing right now. Besides…” I dropped my voice. “Just because she’s a Lich doesn’t mean she doesn’t have the right to be happy. I want her to retire and enjoy her life.”
“………You’ve been hanging around Wiz, knowing she’s a Lich. I’m going to have to reconsider what I thought of you.” That sounded important. Duke looked like he wasn’t quite as guarded toward me as he had been.
Yeah, a guy this passionate? I could leave Wiz with him. To be honest, it was always a little disappointing when a female friend married some other guy. But Wiz was getting to be of a certain age, and it was time for her to settle down.
“I agree with you,” Duke said. “I don’t think she’s cut out for what she’s doing, either. Not in light of how frivolously she acts now. She was never that way back when she was called the Ice Witch.”
“Yeah, well, I heard Wiz was a pretty famous adventurer in her day. She was probably a little more serious back then…”
Still, nowadays, Wiz worked hard to sympathize with adventurers and to try to stock items that would be useful to them on their quests. She had somehow gotten so incompetent at it, though, that even Vanir could only put his head in his hands.
“You don’t have to challenge Wiz to a duel, though. Just talk to her, convince her it’s time to quit her job. It’s not that hard, is it?”
“…? I don’t understand what you’re saying. That would be pointless. I must show her my power in order to take over as her successor.” Duke was obviously under the impression that Wiz was still doing dangerous things like purifying the cemetery and stuff. And that was fair: You would definitely need to show how strong you were to take over a purification job.
It would have been easy enough to tell him she wasn’t in the purification business anymore, but I wasn’t sure how I felt about trying to tell him something when he was already so well versed in Wiz Studies. Besides, the fact that he wanted to make her his wife made me think maybe he was hoping to build up the magic-item shop.
“One question, uh… Can I assume you’ll be taking over all of Wiz’s work?”
“But of course. There is no one more suited to it than I! It teeters on the brink at this moment, and I shall smash through to the other side!”
Huh, well, at least he was confident. That shop had Vanir, the all-seeing demon, working for it, and Duke here figured he was going to be the one to get it back in the black?
Huh? Wait a second…
“Hang on—there is one major hurdle between you and that job. It’s Vanir. If you’ve really done your homework on Wiz, then I assume you know about him. If you want to take over Wiz’s job specifically, you might manage it, but if you want to run the place, I think you’re gonna have to go through him.”
Vanir’s goal was to make the magic-item shop successful enough to save up the money to build himself a special, gigantic dungeon. I had to think he would be all for Wiz getting married, but I wasn’t sure he would be so eager to give up the shop. In fact, I was sure that obnoxious demon wouldn’t be adult about it.
“Grrr, Master Vanir… Yes, he’s trouble, all right. But this is between Wiz and me. Even Master Vanir will not stop me!”
I was more shocked than ever before by this. Duke was made of sterner stuff than I’d imagined. Even I didn’t want to go up against that cheater of a demon. It was just another sign of how much he loved Wiz…
In that case, I would be just as resolute as he was. “You talk a good game, but I guarantee he’ll try to get in your way. But…” I showed Duke a mug as if we were going to share a toast.
“I’m not against a guy like you.”
And then I smiled at this man among men, who didn’t back down even in the face of Vanir.
5
“And so I decided to help him.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t understand a thing you just said.”
The next morning. I’d come home early enough to catch breakfast with everyone, talking to them about Duke as we ate.
“Look, the point is, this Duke guy is stubborn, but he’s also surprisingly manly and might be a better guy than you think—at least, that’s what I gathered.”
Riding high from my sort-of harem (by which I meant Megumin and Darkness doting on me) recently, I felt like I had a direct line to what Duke was feeling. Like, even though I had a good thing going with Megumin, all it took was some teasing from Darkness to sweep me away. When I looked back on how I had acted recently, I had to admit that even I thought I had done some fairly terrible stuff. I was like the exact opposite of Duke, who was ready to give up everything for Wiz’s sake. As a fellow man, of course I wanted to help out a guy who felt that way.
Besides, I hoped to regain my reputation as the pure, loyal Kazuma.
“Personally, I suppose I should welcome a lady friend of yours finding a boyfriend to keep her busy, Kazuma, so help him if you wish…”
“Huh, you go around calling a person your man, but you’re still worried about that stuff. Cute, you’re real cute.”
“I do not know what you are getting at, but it makes me feel slightly sick, so I wish you would drop that act…”
Meanwhile Aqua, who was literally fighting a fried egg with her fork, nodded to herself. “Are you sure you want Wiz to go off with this guy from who-knows-where? I know you, Kazuma, and I know you’re not likely to be satisfied with just Megumin and Darkness. You’ll want Wiz and Yunyun and Iris and Eris and Chris and Komekko all for yourself.”
“What do you take me for, you—? Hold on, wait. That last name was weird. You know perfectly well there’s a line even I won’t cross; how many times do I have to tell you I’m not a lolicon?!”
I was starting to think it was mostly Aqua who was responsible for my reputation as “Lolima.” But just as I stood up, thinking now might be the perfect time to feed her a knuckle sandwich, Darkness, her face red, slammed her fist down on the table. “I misjudged you, Kazuma! You’re right; that man’s love is a beautiful thing! To not care even when the object of your affection is a Lich—it’s a single-mindedness completely unlike a certain someone I know who’s instantly vulnerable to every temptation…!”
“I’m sorry—are you talking about me? Fancy, coming from the source of that temptation.”
Darkness didn’t even listen to me, only shouted, “Kazuma, I’m going to help you! Someone just needs to keep Vanir busy if it looks like he’s going to interfere with them, right? Where do we start? Tell me—I’ll do anything!” And then she looked at me, her eyes ablaze with expectation.
Uh, I appreciate the offer and all, but…
“Both of you need to calm down. How about we begin by verifying that they do in fact feel that way about each other? If one is dragged into such a situation forcefully enough, then if one is not a mature woman experienced with the ways of love, as I am, then one may easily become flustered. For that matter, we must begin by finding Wiz, who is currently missing.”
“When did you become experienced in the ways of love, pip-squeak?” I snorted. “A real mature adult is a man who can roll with the punches, like me.”
Megumin swallowed a mouthful of ham she was chewing and said, “Then perhaps tonight, you would like me to show you that I am indeed a mature woman? I will come to your room for a visit later.” She gave me a coquettish laugh as if to say that she knew everything I was planning.
“Nah, I’ll pass on tonight. I’m not really feeling it. Besides, I saw a real man just last night. I’m not going to be swept away for a while here, and I’m not going to be tempted by a sexiness the two of you don’t even have.”
“Huh?!” Megumin must have been feeling pretty confident, because she was obviously thrown by my response.
“What’s the matter? Did you think I was easy? You just assumed I’m this eternally horny guy who’s ready to get it on at any time?”
“N-no, not specifically, but… There’s been a good vibe between us of late, so I thought you might go along with it…”
As Megumin faltered, Aqua whispered in her ear. “It doesn’t matter what you say to Kazuma right now. He just got back this morning, right? Ahem, when he spends these nights out—”
“Aqua, what did you do with that allowance I gave you yesterday? Did you burn through it already? Was the wine good?” I took her hand and was about to lead her out of the room…
“The wine was good, but what are you doing with my hands? Hey, where are you taking me? I haven’t had dessert yet! Stop! Stop!! Megumin, Darkness, the truth is, this town has a succu—”
“I’ll be happy to give you more allowance today—just come with me! I have something important to talk to you about!!”
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