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Chapter 5 

The Impact of True Love for This Lich! 

 

Aqua didn’t come home until the next morning. 

The first thing out of her mouth was: “That Duke is such a great guy. I had a wonderful time.” 

“A-A-A-Aqua, so you’re an adult woman now…!” 

“No, Megumin, Aqua was always an adult woman…” 

Darkness and Megumin looked at her with awe and respect, while I decided to quiz her about what had actually happened. “So what exactly did you do last night? After it devolved into a normal drinking party, I got bored and went home. And here you are, returning in the early morning. Don’t tell me you really…? I mean, did you have some ‘adult’ fun?” 

“Why so shocked? I’ve always been an outstanding adult woman, haven’t I? Of course I would enjoy some grown-up games from time to time.” 

She didn’t! 

“We played a game where you shake some dice in a cup and bet on the roll. I lost every round, but it was fine. And then after that, we played some kind of card game I didn’t really understand. I lost every round, but it was fine.” 

She didn’t. 

“I didn’t have any money on me, though, so I paid off all my losses with my body.” 

I couldn’t contain myself. “You didn’t!” 

“Well, maybe body isn’t quite the right word. Maybe head. Each time I lost, I gave Duke some interesting or useful information.” 

“Wh-why, you…” 

Aqua counted on her fingers. “Like types of edible shellfish, which flowers have sweet nectar if you suck on them—all sorts of things—but it still wasn’t enough. So, Kazuma, maybe you could fork over some money to make up the difference. Call it a necessary expense.” 

“Stop with the misleading word choices! You’re gonna give me a heart attack.” I handed Aqua a small pouch full of eris coins, which she put away with a grin. “That’s purely to cover your losses,” I said. “If you think you’re going to go just one more round or make back what you lost, don’t.” 

“………Now, just listen to me, Kazuma—gambling goes in cycles. I’ve already lost and lost big. That means I can’t lose anymore. So don’t you worry about a thing.” 

“All right, give the money back. I’ll pay Duke myself.” I went for the coin purse and ended up in a grappling match with Aqua. 

“So, Aqua, what did you think of this Duke person? He hardly seems as loyal as we might have hoped.” 

“Good question. How do I put this? He does seem like a man who has a good eye for a real woman. He’s a kid compared to someone like me, but I wonder if he might be a bit much for our poor, sweet little Wiz. Then again, he did claim to hate undead and demons, so maybe he’s not such a bad guy deep down.” 

“Listen, I thought things went weird the moment he said he hated the undead. Are you sure about this?” 

Aqua snorted through her nose. “It’s fine. Yes, Wiz is an undead, but she’s so pure, she doesn’t even smell bad, so it’s really just a detail at this point!” 

“Kazuma, for some reason, hearing Aqua approve of this guy immediately makes me suspicious…,” Darkness said. 

Funny. Me too. 

“But we only checked out what kind of guy he is,” I said. “In the end, it’s Wiz’s decision what to do about it. Besides, even with all Aqua’s flirting, he only drank with her. Even I do that with the lady adventurers I know, and I wouldn’t expect some disloyal lout to stop there.” 

“I might say that it is rather disloyal and loutish…,” Megumin said, squinting at me. 

“Actually, when I told him I knew Wiz, Duke gave me a message for her. It’s all right! No one who hates demons can be a bad person! C’mon—let’s go to the magic-item shop!” Aqua announced, still completely pumped. 

When we got to the shop, we discovered that for whatever reason, Penguin Suit was behind the counter, working the store. 

“Sacred High Exorcism!” 

“Byaaaggghhhh!” 

“Stop exorcising Zeeleschilt every time you see him! It’s such an inconvenience to have to bring him back!” Vanir said, fuming at how Aqua insisted on purifying Zeeleschilt the moment they met. Aqua seemed to enjoy exterminating the penguin. 

“Forget about that! I have a message for Wiz, so bring her out here!” 

Vanir gestured toward the back of the store as he revived Count Zeeleschilt yet again. “Wiz is out back, chatting with the flowers. Frankly, looking at you makes me feel awful, so go tell her whatever it is and let me enjoy myself.” Aqua, clutching what looked like a letter, headed outside. 

“Hey, Vanir. You looked into the future regarding this Duke guy, right? What made you like him so much? I took him for a real man’s man at first, but it turns out he hates demons and the undead. So tell me: What’s going on?” 

“If I told you, it would spoil the fun, wouldn’t it? Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, I myself do not lie. As I foresaw, our love-addled shopkeeper shall answer that man’s feelings. And when she does, one who receives blessings and happiness beyond all measure shall be born. That much is certain. I promise you a demon doesn’t lie, so sit back and enjoy the show!” 

Seeing how excited Vanir was about this only made me feel way, way worse. Aqua and a demon were both fans of Duke. Something felt very wrong about this. 

Megumin watched with interest as Vanir reinflated the penguin suit breath by breath. “If I may ask, why was the penguin watching the store? Does he work here now?” 

“Not at all, but in fact, our shopkeeper, already quite useless enough, has reached new levels of futility. Thus, I asked the ever-courteous Zeeleschilt to watch the store, but… Well, as you can see, he, too, is now quite useless.” 

Megumin tilted her head, not understanding what Vanir meant. “Come to think of it,” she said, “I haven’t yet properly introduced myself to you. My name is Megumin! Foremost magic-user in all of Axel and master of Explosion! Take care that Aqua doesn’t purify you so many times that there’s nothing left in your suit.” 

“Oh, a young lady of the Crimson Magic Clan. I’m Zeeleschilt. You might see me around the store now and again. I look forward to doing business with you.” The suit shook hands—or flippers, I guess—with Megumin, who looked a bit weirded out. 

“I’m Megumin. If you must refer to me, please do not address me as ‘a young lady of the Crimson Magic Clan.’ Use my name properly. Or do you have some comment to offer about my awesome name?” 

“N-no, not at all… Names are especially important to us demons, and we only call others by their names when we have acknowledged them as worthy.” 

Megumin, who always had been sensitive about her name, leaned in close to the suit. “But you call Darkness ‘Lady Dustiness’—her proper name—do you not?” 

“Oh, er, that—well, Lady Dustiness is to be recognized as a widely esteemed noble…” 

Darkness grinned a little, as if she was actually sort of pleased to hear this demon say that, just as Aqua came in with Wiz and mumbled, “We’re…back…” She actually sounded kind of tired. And as for Wiz… 

“Oh, Kazuma, hello.” 

She somehow managed to look both melancholy and oddly excited at the same time. 

“I’ve been thinking very hard since then. About whether I should accept Duke’s proposal or stay here and help Vanir’s dream come true…” 

“As I have made abundantly clear more than once, this shop would do better with you as a homemaker rather than its proprietor.” 

Vanir’s words went in one of Wiz’s ears and out the other as large tears welled in the corners of her eyes and she made a dramatic gesture like a tragic heroine. “Oh, to think that such a fate should befall me, when all I was doing was trying to run my shop in peace. Oh, Lady Aqua, whatever should I do? Vanir surely needs me. And yet…” 

“What I need is your magic, not your business acumen or lack thereof.” 

Still not really hearing what Vanir was saying, Wiz gazed out the window, putting a hand firmly to the glass. “And yet! Dear Duke does need me—rather, he can’t live without me. He told me he could think of no one else…” 

“I, uh, don’t think he said that.” 

“And now that he’s said that! Lady Aqua, what should I do? Which path should I choose…?” 

I guess Wiz wasn’t hearing me, either. She clung to a rather annoyed-looking Aqua. 

“Hrm… He seems like a good guy, and I would recommend him, I guess,” Aqua said. 

“Would you?! So he even passes muster in your eyes, Lady Aqua! And to think, he wants me…” Wiz started chuckling with uncharacteristic glee. 

“Hey, what happened to Wiz?” I asked. “You fed her something weird, didn’t you?” 

“Be not so suspicious. Out of concern for the tragic state of my shopkeeper, I have been giving her only the best things to eat. And for some reason, my enervated employer came under the misapprehension that I was being kind to her in order to convince her to stay and continue running the shop.” 

I guess it wasn’t easy being Vanir… 

“And eventually, she got like this, huh?” 

“Precisely. Day after day, her brain falls further into ruin. If nothing else, it has prevented her from ordering strange items, so she is less of an impediment to business than she used to be… But emotional attacks are rather more effective against us demons than half-baked magic, you see…” 

Unaware that we were talking about her, Wiz was looking longingly at Vanir. He heaved a sigh (a remarkably human one, for a demon) and said to her, “O overly aroused shopkeep. You received the letter summoning you, did you not? So go and finish this. Then return to your usual self and fulfill your contract with me!” 

Wiz asked, “…Is that your way of saying that you want me to continue running the shop, even though I always put us in the red?” 

“I doubt you would listen to me if I told you to make me the owner instead.” Vanir’s mouth twisted in disdain, but it was the first time he had been clear about what he really wanted. He wanted Wiz to stay at the shop. At least, I figured that was what this meant. 

“Prickly on the outside, soft on the inside…” 

“A genderless demon such as myself is incapable of such things. Now, stop making these sickening remarks and get going. I am the all-seeing demon. Yet I have known you quite long enough to guess perfectly well what you mean to do without using my powers. It will not be easy, but don’t worry. You—I am confident—can emerge victorious. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go place some wholesale orders…” 

So apparently, he already knew what was going to happen and how it would turn out. This weirdo Duke of Hell, the alleged all-seeing demon, said, “At the end, I promise I shall appear. I have grown fond of you, and today, I believe I shall let you enjoy yourself. After which I shall consider your recent debts forgiven. Though you were once a human, you held your own with a demon like myself. You shall not now be defeated by the likes of him… Now, for hell’s sake, go!!” 

And then Vanir, of all things, smiled at Wiz. 

“Yes, sir!” 

The letter Wiz had gotten specified where she was supposed to meet Duke: the communal graveyard on the edge of town. Kind of a weird way to set the mood when you were going to confess your love for someone. 

Reflecting on how Vanir had sounded like he was sending us out to a battle, I thought back again to what Duke had said. To be completely honest, I’d had a really weird feeling about things for a while now. It was like the puzzle just wouldn’t come together, or like I’d pressed the wrong button. 

This was what I thought I remembered Duke saying: “Enough prattle! Face me in combat, Ice Witch!” 

And actually, I thought I remembered him then going on like this: “Why, you ask? It’s obvious! So that I can demonstrate my power to you and convince you to quit your job!” 

Yeah, that was how he’d proposed. 

……Proposed? 

Hang on just a second. 

Was that really a proposal? 

Wiz, stumbling over herself, had responded: “Y-y-you want me to marry you…?!” 

But no, he had never said anything about a marriage proposal. That was only what she had read into it. 

And this was how it had ended up: 

“I will take up the work on your behalf! Now, let us go! You…” 

And then Wiz had teleported away, and there hadn’t been any combat. 

What was wrong with this picture?! 

I was still conflicted as we shuffled toward the cemetery. 

“Hey, Wiz, y’know what? Duke treated me to a drink.” 

“What?! Wh-what do you mean by that, Lady Aqua?! I thought everyone said he was single-minded and loyal…!” 

He’s just proposing. He’s just confessing his love. 

“Well, I thought I might find out just how loyal he really was. I guess he couldn’t resist the allure of someone overflowing with charm like myself. We drank together till dawn. But don’t worry—he never made a move on me. He never even gave off the evil vibes I get from Kazuma every single day.” 

“O-oh, I see… But don’t worry, Lady Aqua—I’ve already decided on my answer.” 

Vanir’s attitude bugged me, too. Here’s what he had said: “You shall respond to this man’s affections. And when you do, one who receives blessings and happiness beyond all measure shall be born!” 

You might normally assume that meant Wiz and Duke would be happy together, right? But since when had a demon like him ever actively tried to make others happy? 

“Oh yeah? To be fair, he succumbed to my charms, but he didn’t even blink when Darkness the Oversexed tried to make a move on him. So he gets some loyalty points there.” 

“O-oh, is that right…?” 

“Aqua, quit dragging me into this!” 

As I went along, lost in thought, Megumin tapped me on the back. “What in the world is the matter? You seem to have been in your own head ever since we left the shop.” 

“…It’s just, I’ve got the worst feeling about this whole thing… I hope it’s only my imagination, but I worry we’re in for a bloodbath.” 

Megumin giggled like I was overthinking the whole thing. “It’s quite all right. I do not know how strong this Duke character is, but we’ve defeated every opponent we have encountered, as you know. And besides, today we have Wiz, an unfairly powerful Lich, with us. And what’s more”—she smiled in an effort to relieve my anxiety—“we have not yet met the opponent I cannot blow away with my Explosion. You will be safe, Kazuma; have no fear.” 

“Y-yeah, thanks…” 

It was nice of her to say, but my personal safety wasn’t exactly what I was worried about… 

So there we were in the communal graveyard just outside Axel. Come to think of it, this was where we’d first met Wiz. I guess that gave it a mood, sort of… 

“…Nah. No it doesn’t.” 

“Huh? What doesn’t what?” 

When we got to the appointed place, Duke was already there waiting for us. He was wearing a weathered robe and cape, definitely not dressed like he was ready to get down on one knee. When he saw we’d come with Wiz, he looked surprised. “Kazuma Satou coming here is one thing, but I see several faces I recognize in this crowd. The Dustiness girl and…ah, my good friend who chatted with me about Myurumyuru Shells until dawn…” 

Seriously, what the hell were Myurumyuru Shells? And “friend”? When the hell had he and Aqua gotten so close? 

Duke gave Aqua a genuinely affectionate look, but then he snapped back to himself and turned to Wiz. Unlike Duke in his robe, Wiz was in the same fancy dress she’d worn the other day. 

“Not that it behooves me to ask this, but are you sure you want to do this in that getup?” 

“I’m embarrassed to say, I’m not used to being in this sort of situation, but this is my battle dress…,” Wiz said, and she did sound a bit ashamed of herself. 

Duke simply nodded. “Pardon me, then. I thought perhaps you were mocking me.” 

“N-not at all! You’re the first person I’ve ever dressed this way for… I’m sorry; I’m not used to wearing it…” Wiz’s shoulders slumped, and she sort of shrank down, producing an instant of surprise on Duke’s face. 

“I see. Any adventurer who makes a name for themselves is likely to have their catcallers, but you… The name you made was too great. The average adventurer would quail before the mention of the Ice Witch.” 

“Y-you’re right! You’re so right! Everyone’s so afraid of me…! But I’m not really that bad…!” Wiz almost had tears in her eyes. 

Duke drew back. “Oh-ho?! I—I see… I’m not entirely sure what you’re saying, but it sounds like you’ve had it rough yourself…” Duke may not have understood, but I thought I did: According to Vanir, Wiz had been a little too famous as an adventurer, and it scared people off from trying to get together with her. 

Then Duke composed himself, giving Wiz an unlikely smile. “Let us get down to it, then. We need no more words between us. Or do you mean to flee again?” 

 

Wiz, who normally seemed grown-up but a little twitchy, said, “I won’t run away. This time, I’m going to tell you how I feel, Duke.” 

“Ah!” 

Now Wiz crossed her arms in front of her, looking straight at Duke as she said, “I’m not going to quit my work. I won’t budge on this point.” A shy look came over her. 

“I have an agreement with a strange but long-standing friend of mine whom I refuse to abandon.” 

She sounded so certain, so unshakable. Duke smiled, ready for battle, and stared straight at Wiz. 

“You who were once called the Ice Witch, who led the supreme adventuring party. You, who have descended to the state of undeath yet still pursue the quintessence of the magical path. My name is Duke. I, like you, shall someday master the ways of magic. O Lich, Queen of the Undead! I challenge you to combat!” 

He was shouting now. 

“Inferno!” 

“Freeze Gust!” 

In an open space near the communal graveyard, a massive wall of flame met a whirlwind of mist and ice. 

Duke’s fire magic slammed into Wiz’s ice magic, and believe me, it wasn’t good for the landscaping. Parts of the immediate area were covered in frost, while others were on fire. 

Holy crap—this was an intense magical battle…! 

“Yo, Aqua. I can’t tell you how moved I am by this. This is what I’ve wanted all along. This is fantasy! Not flying vegetables or anchovies growing in the ground or sexy monsters who lure people into traps! Real, actual magic! That’s what you’re supposed to find in a fantasy world!” 

“Just a moment, Kazuma. When you say it like that, it would seem to imply that explosion magic is not real magic. You see a spell far more incredible than these puny sparks every single day!” There was Megumin, raining on my parade. 

“I don’t care if it can take out every enemy in a single blast. One-hit kills aren’t the kind of magical battle I’m after. It doesn’t feel like a real magic showdown. It’s completely unbalanced. It’s just a gamble where you try to be the first one to land a hit.” 

“Excuse me?!” Megumin was just about to fly off the handle, but I didn’t care about that right now. The fantasy battle I’d always wanted was unfolding right before my eyes, and I wasn’t going to miss a second of it! 

“Grrr, I knew this wouldn’t be easy, Ice Witch! Crimson Laser!” 

“Crystal Prison! Duke, wait! Please, we can talk about this!” 

The red beam Duke shot was intercepted by a ball of ice that appeared in front of Wiz, the light scattering everywhere. I’d had a chance to see all kinds of advanced magic when I was at Crimson Magic Village, but there was something special about witnessing two accomplished mages really going at it. I was just marveling at how it was like something right out of an anime when I heard a familiar incantation beside me, and I jumped to stop Megumin. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?! Why can’t you just stand still and watch this wonderful moment?!” 

“Because you insist on showing more interest in those ridiculous tricks than in Explosion, Kazuma! When I see your eyes sparkle like that at the spells of other wizards, it makes something very deep in my chest ache! I didn’t even feel this way when I thought you were going to give in to Darkness’s temptations!” 

“That’s what you get jealous over?! This battle is between the two of them! Stay out of it!” 

She probably thought she could butt in and reap the juicy rewards with Explosion. Megumin’s eyes were alight, but I managed to grab her before she could finish her incantation and wrestled her to the ground, ignoring her struggling. 

Duke and Wiz darted here and there, shielding themselves behind trees and launching their magic at each other. This was more than just them trading blows… 

“Why won’t you attack me like you mean it?! Are you making fun of me? Lava Swamp!” 

“Freeze! Fire Resist! Owww, that’s hot…! I don’t want to destroy you any more than I want to quit my job! Liches are very good at resisting magic! I’ll endure anything you can throw at me until you have no choice but to give up!” 

The rocks around Wiz’s feet had turned into a molten swamp; she chilled it with Freeze, then used another spell to heighten her resistance to fire and help her escape. Duke was chanting spells as fast as he could form the words, but Wiz was a better strategic user of her magic. 

“Hey, Kazuma, as a Crusader, I’m not sure I can just stand by and watch this. Wiz really doesn’t seem to want to be part of this battle. Maybe I should—” 

“Bind ! Just shut up and watch! Anyway, I’m on to you. You probably want to jump into the middle of an advanced magic duel in the hopes of getting hit by a powerful spell!” 

“Hrk…! To be bound in the middle of a situation like this… You always know how to get me going…!” 

I used Bind to stop Darkness from putting the brakes on my battle, then shouted to Wiz: “Wiz, I think it’s time to get serious! It would be unfair to Duke if you didn’t!” 

Plus, I want to see an even crazier battle! 

“What are you talking about? What’s wrong with you?!” Aqua demanded. “We should be helping Wiz, not screwing around with Megumin and Darkness!” 

I judged, though, that Wiz had the upper hand. And since she wasn’t in any danger of being defeated, I was going to burn this sight into my retinas. As a lifelong gamer, I owed it to myself! 

“I hear you, Kazuma; I do! But imagine how I feel, when the person who was so bent on romancing me just a few minutes ago suddenly attacks me…!” Wiz sounded beyond despondent. 

But at that moment, Duke, who had desperately been slinging spells until then, got a look of real resolve on his face. “I knew you were holding out on me! Well, I won’t let you! Try this on for size! Sanctuary!” 

With that, he unleashed a circle of holy magic large enough to encompass the entire cemetery. 

“Whaaaat?! Owwww!” 

Wiz didn’t have time to react, and she took the full brunt of the spell. Particles of light floated gently around the circle, glowing every time they touched Wiz’s body. 

“A holy magic circle? Hey, Aqua, Arch-wizards can’t do that, can they?” 

“Well, duh. The only ones who can create holy magic circles are priests, Arch-priests, and Crusaders. But Duke was using advanced magic, too. I wonder why he can create that circle…” 

While we had our little question-and-answer session, Duke glared at Wiz and held up his hands. He must have been putting more magic into the circle, because the flow of particles got stronger. 

“Hrrrgh…! Duke, please remember! Remember the day we first met! How you tore off your robe and tried to present me with your naked body…!” 

“Don’t put it like that—people will get the wrong idea! There’s an audience here, so I’m keeping my clothes on, but there was an explanation for that!” 

I recalled that when Aqua had used a similar circle of holy magic on Wiz, she had started to disappear immediately. I guess Duke’s magic wasn’t quite as strong as Aqua’s. Wiz braced herself against the light, continuing to try to appeal to Duke. “And then the next time we met, you said to me… You said, ‘I have studied you, have thought only about you. I have focused single-mindedly on training myself.’ And ‘I know everything about you! I understand you better than anyone in this world!’ No one has ever thought about me so hard for, for any reason…!” 

“What are you saying?! Ahhh, forget it. Fight like you mean it already! Even you will disappear at this rate!” Duke looked a little disturbed, but he was more upset about Wiz’s refusal to fight back. 

Wiz sounded like she was comforting a small child. “Truthfully, I was almost happy to hear you would go so far for me. But no matter what you say, you won’t convince me to quit my job. And I still don’t know you very well. So… 

“…perhaps we could start by being friends…?” 

The whole area went silent. Duke looked like he was trying to process what in the world he had just heard. 

“You did it! Way to go, Wiz! You’re right; it’s way too soon to be getting married!” Aqua exclaimed. 

Duke just gasped. “Huh?” 

Being set back on his heels seemed to drain the power out of the magic circle, which faded and disappeared. 

“Hmm, I guess all’s well that ends well, Duke, right? I was just, ahem, testing you when I tried to chat you up the other day. Please don’t assume I’m easy. I’m glad for your sake that at least Wiz didn’t completely shoot you down.” 

“……Huh?” 

Darkness was chuckling, but Duke still sounded like he couldn’t believe his ears. 

“Frankly, I believe Wiz has worked even harder than you. But, Duke, was it? I shall put your mind at ease. You appear to be laboring under some sort of misapprehension, but Wiz has quit her job exorcising ghosts for the real-estate agent and no longer comes to this cemetery to comfort the spirits here. So you need not worry on that account.” 

“……………Huh?” 

Megumin sort of smiled, but Duke just looked like he didn’t know what the hell we were talking about. “You keep talking about friends and marriage and concerns, but what in the world do you mean?” he said. “I swear I don’t have the foggiest idea what you’re saying.” He did seem completely flummoxed, his face the picture of confusion and doubt. 

“What are we talking about? What are you talking about? I think Wiz is being pretty clear. She’s telling you she can’t just drop everything, quit her job, and marry you but that she’s happy to start by being friends. Lucky you. I guess you sort of got shot down, but there’s still hope.” 

Duke seemed to take a second to process what Aqua was telling him, but then he started to tremble…! “A-are you all complete imbeciles?! Why in the world would I even contemplate marriage to a Lich, an undead?! It makes no sense! And friends?! That’s the worst joke I’ve ever heard!” 

“What?!” Wiz cried, shocked, while Aqua and the others went visibly pale. 

“Hey now, just because she didn’t say yes is no reason to get all mean! This is on you for trying to rush her! I mean, who in their right mind would want to jump straight into marriage?! Just accept being friends like a good boy!” 

“As I said! Why would you assume I have any affection at all for this woman? Is there something wrong with you?! This is only the third time I’ve ever even seen her—do you realize that?!” Duke’s eyes were bloodshot. 

Megumin gave a snorting laugh. “Says Wiz’s stalker! Says the man who demanded she quit the magic-item shop and enter his household in marriage!” 

“Huh?” Duke looked at the sky as if trying to make sense of this; then he put his hands over his face. “…The work I referred to was her position as a general of the Demon King…” 

“………Huh?” Now it was Megumin’s turn to sound surprised. 

Duke’s voice was as quiet as a fly. “I said, I meant her job as a general of the Demon King. I couldn’t care less about her magic-item shop…” He looked profoundly tired as he shrugged off his cape. 

Everyone but Aqua and me sort of looked away from him, but suddenly, Wiz spoke up. “What?! Th-that’s the Demon King’s…!” 

That was when I realized there was a sigil I didn’t recognize emblazoned on Duke’s chest. Wiz seemed pretty shocked by it, but the rest of us were looking at something else. 

“Argh! You’ve been a fallen angel all this time?! Just when I thought you were one of those rare people who hated demons and undead, it turns out you’re one of those fools who turned their back on the gods!” 

“C-cram it! What about you? I thought I’d finally found someone who hated the undead and demons and even the goddess Eris as much as I did. But look at the way you’re dressed! You were a damn priest all along?!” 

On Duke’s exposed back was a pair of pitch-black wings. If Aqua was right, then I guess this guy used to be an angel. The emblem of the Demon King on his chest showed that this particular angel had fallen and was now serving the arch-fiend himself. 

Aqua puffed out her chest at the enraged Duke, looking more pleased with herself than ever. “Dummy, who do you think I am? A fallen angel like you should bow before me! My name is Aqua! The very deity of the Axis Church, worshipped by twenty million followers the country over! The goddess Aqua herself!” 

Duke’s eyes went wide…! “Huh. Just another mouthy broad…” 

“Hold it right there!” Aqua, almost in tears, suddenly realized something. “Wait a second, you sneaky sneak! Now I get why you were able to use holy magic! So you turned your back on the gods, but you’re willing to use their incredible power to get yourself out of a pinch?! Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?!” 

 

“I—I said shut up already! The gods think nothing of making us angels do whatever they want! If I use a bit of their power, it’s only fair! Think of it as making up for my unpaid salary! You all probably don’t know it, but every single goddess I’ve ever met is—” 

But that was as far as he got. 

“Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” 

Laughter rang out, laughter that managed to sound evil and arrogant and mocking all at once. As it echoed around the cemetery, I thought, When did he get here? 

“Welcome to our little frontier town, O you who aspire to be a general of the Demon King without knowing your own limits. An always-pitiful errand boy of the divine has made himself more pathetic still by falling from grace!” 

There he stood, a tall man dressed in an impeccable tuxedo, his face hidden by a mask. The All-Seeing Demon, Duke of Hell, the great Vanir stood on the highest ground in the cemetery, looming over us. 

“I see I’m just in time for the juiciest part! Ah, to think, I almost missed the main event!” Vanir said teasingly. Main event? What was he talking about? 

“Master Vanir, this is a matter between Wiz and me. You may be a former general of the Demon King, but I urge you not to intervene.” Duke looked quite concerned; maybe he was worried about Vanir. 

And then: 

“…You tricked me?” 

Wiz had her eyes on the ground, ignoring the intruder. 

“I never tricked you. I challenged you from the start with the intention of taking your place as a general of the Demon King. I grant, I did try to take off my clothes the first time we met. I was going to display this emblem and explain my intentions.” 

Duke seemed willing to offer a reasonable explanation for everything, but Wiz didn’t look up. “I… I thought you were proposing to me… I thought someone was saying they loved me for the first time in my life…” 

“O-oh, well… I—I do feel somewhat bad about that. But if I may say so, you seem to have jumped to conclusions yourself. No one would ask someone to marry them after only meeting them three times.” 

He wasn’t wrong. 

No, he wasn’t wrong, but he also wasn’t reaching Wiz in her current state. 

“I—I was consumed with trying to decide whether I should take a leave of absence from the shop or what I should do. I thought so hard about it…! But I felt bad for Vanir and came here intending to turn you down…! Are you happy, playing with the heart of a Lich who’s just a little late to the game?! I won’t forgive you! I’ve never been so humiliated! This is worse than when Vanir and I fought back when I was a human, and he left me practically in pieces! I w-was so sure you were proposing, and now…!” 

“—! ?!! Mmmm-ha! Mmmm-bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!” Wiz was extremely agitated, but Vanir seemed to find something hilarious, laughing so intensely, the sound struggled to escape his mouth at times. He was rolling on the ground, he was so overcome with mirth. 

“Vanir, what is so funny? Don’t tell me…you knew this would happen! Oh! Was this what you meant when you said that one who receives happiness beyond all measure would be born?! Did you mean yourself as you feasted on my anguish?!” 

“Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Mmmmwaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! This is paradise! I haven’t felt bad vibes so intense in ages! Delicious! Delectable!! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!” 

“Vanir!” Wiz yelled with tears in her eyes. 

“L-look, I’m sorry about amusing this demon, too! But this isn’t entirely my fault! If you didn’t live in the middle of a bustling city, I might have been able to show you my emblem when we first met and challenge you properly. Then this misunderstanding would never have happened. Yeah, that’s right. The way you’ve fled your responsibility to take up residence in a human town shows you aren’t suited to be the king’s general!” 

Wiz looked scandalized by this invective. “It was never my choice to be the Demon King’s general! His Majesty begged me to do it because there was no one else with enough magical power to sustain the barrier around his castle! And yet, you call me a coward…!” 

“If the charge is unjust, then prove it to me! The Demon King’s generals have been whittled down, and now the barrier of which you speak is in danger! What’s more, even the fortress that stood on the front lines in the battle against humanity has fallen, and the underwater project pursued for so long has failed.” 

Hmm…? 

“And when I dug up what information I could, I discovered that pathetic-looking young man was somehow connected to all of it. I first took him to be beneath my notice—he was murdered by kobolds, after all—but you see where it got me. Yes, I’m talking about you, Kazuma Satou.” 

It was starting to look like I was suddenly the center of attention. 

“I seem to remember that when we met at that tavern, you said you were rooting for me. But now I see you were only trying to get me to let my guard down, and you’ve even brought Master Vanir to help close the net. Heh-heh, a clever plan indeed.” 

In other words, while I had been stumbling around, trying to figure out what the heck was going on, Duke had been dreaming up this plan he thought I was following. I mean, I didn’t really care; it was no skin off my nose. Maybe I should even play along, say something like, I’m impressed you figured it out. 

“I’ve already reported all of this to His Majesty. Before long, this town will be subject to the greatest attack the Demon King’s army can muster.” 

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” 

Hell of a thing for a guy to do. Just when my life was settling down and I thought I could get started on my harem…! 

I was thoroughly disappointed, but Duke smiled… 

Just as he was about to say something else, though, he was blown forcefully backward. 

I didn’t know exactly what had happened, but I saw where Duke went. 

“Ouch…” 

He had been slammed square into one of the tombstones. He rose unsteadily to his feet and looked over to Wiz, who was standing with her palm outstretched; she seemed to have cast the magic spell without even an incantation. 

“The biggest attack the king can muster? On this town? …He’s going to target us?” Wiz sounded completely detached—cold, even. Just then, something grabbed my collar. It was Aqua, looking more than a little frightened and watching Wiz and Duke from safely over my shoulder. 

“H-hey, Kazuma, does this sound as bad to you as it does to me? I think the time for enjoying our little games is over. Set me free from this Bind.” Darkness was squirming under the ropes, but I couldn’t deal with her right now. 

I’d only seen Wiz look so composed on one other occasion. 

“S-so you’re finally ready to get serious, huh? I’ve gotta say, I knew you Liches were impressive. To unleash power like that without even an incantation, you sure haven’t been wasting all that ti—” But before Duke could finish, he was hit by what must have been an invisible ball of magic and slammed into the tombstone again. 

To mention Wiz’s age when she was already about to lose it—maybe this guy wasn’t as smart as I’d thought. 

“Kazuma, I don’t like the way those clouds are moving. Personally, I do not object to being all tangled up with the one I love, but as I am not Darkness, perhaps you could release me soon? I must be ready to unleash my magic at any time…” 

“If I let you go, you’d just spoil the whole moment by dropping an explosion on their heads. It’s all right—when Wiz gets like that, she can handle anything. Just you watch.” 

I took my own advice and looked to see what would happen next. 

Like I said, I’d seen this once before, back in Arcanletia, when one of the Demon King’s generals, Hans, admitted to eating the old guy who looked after the hot springs. One of Wiz’s conditions for not attacking members of the Demon King’s army was that they not harm civilians. And when Hans broke that rule, she blew him into a million pieces. 

I was clenching my hands into fists, thrilled about the huge battle I was sure was about to go down, when Vanir appeared beside me. “Young man, do not look away from what is to follow. I, the All-Seeing Demon, proclaim you shall presently see the most wonderful of wonderful things.” 

Vanir sounded ecstatic, and I couldn’t help grinning. He’d been all gung ho about Wiz becoming a bride, but he considered Wiz fighting to protect Axel something even more wonderful. I was surprised to realize that maybe Vanir was a bit like me—not always completely open about how he felt. 

“Grrrrr! I— Infern —” 

“Cursed Crystal Prison!” 

Before Duke could get off the fiery blast he was aiming for, Wiz encased him in a prison of ice, her attitude as cold as her magic the entire time. Not all of him, just the top half. No longer able to talk—or breathe, for that matter—Duke started to smash himself against the ground, going pale. But it didn’t so much as scratch the magical ice, and eventually he started to get tired… 

“Do you surrender?” Wiz asked. Her voice was so quiet, I wondered if it would even reach Duke under all that ice. But he turned a desperate look on Wiz and nodded as best he could, wobbling the entire time. 

Freed from the ice, Duke coughed profusely, then slumped to the ground. 

Aqua ran over to Wiz, obviously thrilled. “Way to go, Wiz! Pushing a guy to the brink of death because he shot you down. Now, that’s what I call getting even!” 

“Hold on, Lady Aqua—I didn’t do it to get even!” Wiz protested. 

I let out a breath, glad to see her back to her normal self. “Yo, Vanir, why didn’t you let Wiz know she had it all wrong? It didn’t have to get this crazy. They could’ve had a little duel, and that would have been the end of it,” I said. 

“You know what? He’s right!” Darkness added. “Hey, Vanir, thanks to you, I had to try and seduce that guy!” 

Vanir, though, looked perfectly amused by our complaints. “As if I care. All things I do, I do for the indulgence of my own appetites. Yes, I would say if you, O young man who has it in his head that he’s going to have a harem now that a couple of young ladies like him, were to one day be run out on because you had exhausted their affections, I would consider that the utmost delicacy.” 

“H-hey, quit it. Seriously, I mean it… I’ll buy something the next time I’m in the shop, so just…” 

My voice was barely audible. Vanir cackled. “What’s more… This situation is not quite resolved.” 

“Huh?” That made me look over at Duke… “H-hey, what the hell is he doing?!” I exclaimed, unable to believe what I was seeing. While we had been having that ridiculous conversation, Duke had constructed a hasty magic circle and for some reason was driving a black knife into his own chest. 

“And he’s done it! Behold, young man! He pretended to surrender to buy himself the leeway to enact one of magic’s most secret rituals and become a Lich himself! Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, to think that the lust for power would lead him to become one of the undead he himself hated and mocked so recently! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, this is the highest form of comedy!” 

Great… We’re in the middle of a crisis, and he’s having the time of his life! 

Duke already seemed to be giving Wiz a run for her money before he became a Lich. And now… 

“You shouldn’t have let your guard down, Wiz. Ngah…! Behold this burgeoning magical power… Ahhh, I feel it spreading through my body from the stab of the dark knife…! I can feel it sucking the life from my cells, transforming them into flesh imperishable! Fallen though I may have been, I was still an angel, and I hoped against hope I would not have to do this… But so be it. Let us two immortals begin our endless war—!” 

…He had become the most powerful undead around! 

“Sacred Turn Undead!” 

“Hgggyaaahhhhh!” 

And there it was. 

The instant Duke completed the transformation to Lichdom, the totally oblivious Aqua blew him away with purification magic. 

Duke screamed and started to grow transparent. Wiz approached him calmly, clearly sad for him, and offered her hand. 

“Wh-wh-wh-what’s happening…?! I’m supposed to be a Lich! The most powerful of the undead…!” 

“I can’t believe this has happened to you, and after you only just met me… At the very least, I want to help you move on to the next life as painlessly as possible. Drain Touch…” 

The magic started to drain out of Duke from right where Wiz was touching him, and he grew even more transparent. “Stop that! Stop that right now! No—this is a misunderstanding! You’ve got it all wrong, I tell you!” He was practically throwing himself at Wiz, who must have looked to him like his last, best hope as he realized he was fading away. 

“A misunderstanding? You went so far as to make yourself a Lich… What misunderstanding could there possibly be?” Wiz was normally a soft touch, but now her eyes had a steely glint; she refused to be taken in by Duke’s chatter. 

“Well, uh, the whole Lich thing, for starters! I, uh, I made myself a Lich because… I know! It wasn’t so I could get revenge on you; it was so we could walk the same path together as undying creatures!” 

He had obviously come up with that on the spot in hopes of appealing to the softhearted Wiz. “G-gracious… No, you won’t fool me so easily, not even with such sweet nothings!” 

Actually, it looked like he had a pretty good chance… 

Even Duke seemed surprised by how well his performance was going, but then he snapped back to himself. “I-I’m not trying to fool you, I swear! My battle with you has opened my eyes to true love. Heh, I mean, of course I won’t propose marriage right away or anything; that would be silly. I just wish we could start out by being friends, just like you said!” 

“S-start out as friends…?” 

Crap, our late-blooming Lich friend was becoming putty in the hands of this glam-rock fallen angel. I was starting to think the smart move would be to let Megumin blow him away before Wiz completely fell for him. 

Not even bothering to hide the eager twitch of his lips, Vanir shouted to Wiz: “O easily deceived soft-touch shopkeeper, I give you a word of advice. Just like demons, angels lowly enough to fall have no gender!” 

At that, Wiz slammed into Duke, screaming out an incantation. 

“No! Wait, I—!” Duke was trying to get a word in edgewise when— 

“Explooosion!!” 

As Vanir exploded with hilarity, rolling around and laughing so hard that he could barely breathe, Wiz dropped an explosion right on Duke’s head! 



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