Chapter 3
May We Sightsee in This Pathetic Town!
1
“Enjoy yourselves, then, and this wonderful hot-springs town! Really, you were such a tremendous help! Thank you so much!”
The caravan leader bowed repeatedly to us as he left.
Arcanletia: the so-called “city of water and hot springs.”
This was where the long trip in that bone-rattling carriage had brought us.
I had actually tried to explain to the leader of the expedition that I thought this latest monster attack was probably our fault. But he just laughed at my “joke” and refused to take me seriously. He seemed convinced that I was just fabricating a reason why we couldn’t accept any reward money. Frankly, that would be just as well for us.
But as we steadfastly refused any payment, he gave us several nights’ worth of coupons for a hotel instead.
Apparently, he wasn’t just a caravan leader but also the owner of the largest inn in Arcanletia.
He and the others were heading straight on to the next town.
“Ahh… Jarippa… I’ll miss Jarippa…,” Megumin muttered as she watched the carriage disappear into the distance.
Plenty of other travelers and adventurers had disembarked at the stop with us, but as they filtered away into town, Megumin stood and watched the departing carriage until it vanished from sight.
“What in the world is Jarippa?” Aqua asked before suddenly realizing the answer. “Do you mean that baby dragon? Come to think of it, that rich-looking guy did say he wanted the ‘great wizard’ who had helped so much to name the thing.”
…He asked a Crimson Magic Clan member to name something?
“I’ve heard that once named, dragons will never respond to another name as long as they live,” Darkness said. I imagined that was pretty important.
Megumin nodded, appearing deeply moved.
“It seemed pleased with the name Jarippa. I placed a letter inside the cage for the owner, informing him of this name. I hope the owner will take good care of Jarippa.”
What has she done?
After she had bestowed such a bizarre name upon my beloved sword, I could sympathize with the dragon’s owner.
“You need to quit randomly doling out weird names to everything. It’s time to admit to yourself that Crimson Magic Clan people can’t name their way out of a paper bag.”
“I admit you have no intuition for what makes a good name… Which is a shame, since you yourself have such a fine one. When you have a child, I shall name it for you.”
“You’re the last person I would ever ask to… Wait a second. Did you just say that ‘Kazuma’ somehow appeals to your Crimson Magic sensibilities? That’s really depressing…”
I looked around town, carrying Wiz on my back. She was still unconscious after a certain someone’s Turn Undead spell the night before.
And it was that very caster who now exclaimed:
“We made it! Arcanletia, city of water and hot springs!”
—Arcanletia, the aquatic, hot-springs capital.
Canals ran all around this town, which sat next to towering mountains home to natural geothermal springs and clear lakes. All the buildings were primarily blue, creating a beautiful skyline, and everyone seemed excited and happy.
It was striking to see such tranquility in a world afflicted by the Demon King’s army.
Apparently, it had once seen battle with the agents of the King, but since that time, the enemy had diligently avoided it.
They claimed it was because the Demon King’s army had found it difficult to fight a town with a large population of priests.
They claimed it was because this settlement was under the blessing of Lady Aqua, goddess of water.
They claimed.
“Welcome. It’s so wonderful to have you here in Arcanletia. Are you here for sightseeing? Religious conversion? Adventuring? Baptism? If you’ve come seeking work, please, join the Axis sect! Right now, you can earn money simply by visiting other cities to expound the magnificence of the Axis Church! And it comes with perks: You get to call yourself an Axis disciple! Come on, now!”
Or maybe it was because there was a large population of Axis disciples in this city, and the Demon King didn’t want anything to do with them.
We had barely arrived when a group of apparent Axis faithful approached us.
“What beautiful blue hair! Is that your natural color? I’m so jealous! I could die of envy! And that feather mantle looks like you got it from Lady Aqua herself!”
I looked over to where our resident deity was receiving a very enthusiastic welcome from a female believer.
…I think we could be in trouble here.
If she made with her “Actually, I am a goddess!” shtick, they’d be sure to call her an imposter and turn her into a punching bag.
People were already crowding around Megumin and Darkness, too.
Wiz was still passed out on my back. Small blessings, I guess.
Aqua, busy drinking in the praise for her looks, was the only one who seemed wholly pleased with the situation.
I worked my way close to her and whispered in her ear, “Hey, ixnay on the goddess-of-water stuff here, all right? I guarantee it’ll get us in trouble. And try not to use your name. Come up with a fake one.”
“Obviously, Kazuma. I’m not an idiot. But come on! Let’s get to town! This is Arcanletia, city of water and hot springs! As the goddess of water, I could hardly be more excited! And best of all, this is the home base of the Axis Church!”
“?!”
The Axis Church. The one that’s supposed to be full of weirdos. This was their home base?!
This religious sect, incidentally, also happened to worship Aqua as a goddess.
…No wonder she wanted to come here.
I could hardly leave the fidgeting goddess on her own, though, so I bowed to the Axis acolyte who had greeted us and said, “I’m sorry, but we already have an Axis priest. We’re only here as tourists. Maybe next time…”
I was just trying to get away, but the believer waved at us and said with a broad grin, “I see—that’s fantastic! Well, my fellows in the faith, may you have a wonderful day!”
Megumin and Darkness looked as relieved as I felt to be away from the evangelist.
But then…
“Welcome to Arcanletia! Axis believers often testify to the great things that happened to them when they believed: They were cured of illness, won the lottery, mastered an art. What could be in store for you when you join us?”
…Who ever heard of such a pushy religion?
As I warily eyed the zealous Axis welcome party, trying to keep my distance, I sensed the church itself knew I was avoiding it.
“…A-anyway, let’s find somewhere to stay. I feel bad about basically scamming that guy, but since he gave us those hotel vouchers, we might as well use them and be grateful for it.”
However, Aqua only smiled.
“You all go stay at that inn if you like. As an Arch-priest of the Axis Church, I can go to church headquarters, and they’ll fawn over me!”
I didn’t like where this was going.
We needed Aqua to stay and take care of Wiz.
“…Kazuma. I have a vague sense that things may go wrong with Aqua, so I will follow her. Could you take our luggage to the inn, please?” Megumin asked, watching Aqua with a hint of concern as the self-proclaimed goddess drifted away.
I had to admit, leaving her to her own devices seemed like an invitation for trouble.
So we left Megumin in charge of watching after Aqua, and the rest of us headed for the inn.
2
“Welcome! We heard all about you from the owner. Please, make yourselves at home!”
We arrived at the place indicated on the coupons to find a warm greeting.
I still felt a little guilty, given that the caravan had come under attack because of us.
The ambience was as impressive as you’d expect from a business claiming to be the largest inn in town. Frankly, traveling nobility might stay in a place like this. Given that this was a hot-springs town, I’d been picturing Japanese-style inns, but this reminded me of a Western hotel.
Apparently, this hotel was home to a bath with some renown even locally.
Employees came out to meet us and took our bags to our rooms without even asking us.
Once we got Wiz settled in her room, I finally found myself without any heavy items or cargo. And I was eager to do some sightseeing at the first town I’d ever visited outside of Axel.
We left a message with the staff to let Wiz know when she woke up that we’d gone out. I was a little worried about her, but my sitting there and watching her sleep wouldn’t make her recover any quicker.
I was told life at this hotel really started in the evening, when more people arrived.
“What do you want to do, Darkness? Since we’re here, I’m going to kill time wandering around until dinner.”
“Mm, then I’ll accompany you. I don’t know too many places beyond Axel.”
She was dressed casually, and she gave me a smile.
Now that I didn’t have to cart anything around, I decided to take a stroll with Darkness.
This was a tourist town, and boy, did the merchants here know how to hawk their wares. Were we in a marketplace or a battlefield?
As we poked around one store, someone suddenly called to us:
“Sir, madam, if you shop at a junk emporium like that, people will start to wonder if you can even tell good merchandise from bad! I have ‘Arcan buns,’ made by elves from all-natural ingredients. Why not come over here and have a look?”
I raised my head to see the owner of the voice…
It was a handsome, pale-skinned man with long ears and green hair.
Yup: an elf.
“Shut yer trap! You’re just a highway robber, is what you are! ‘Good merchandise’? Expensive merchandise is more like it! Mister, stay here and try my meat buns, a dwarven specialty! These juicy morsels’ll keep ya full all day—how’s that fer value?!”
That was the owner of the shop I was currently visiting, shouting first at the elf and then at me.
He barely came up to my chest, but he was wider around than I was and sported a wild beard.
In other words, he was one stereotypical dwarf.
“An elf…! And a dwarf…! Look, Kazuma! An elf and a dwarf! Just like in the stories from when I was little!”
“I know! Elves are just as handsome as they say! And this dwarf is so stout!”
Darkness was as excited as a little girl, and I found it infectious.
Although they were merchants and not warriors or the like, they were probably the first really “fantasy-like” people I’d met since I got here.
An elf, noble and handsome.
A dwarf, rough and tough and sporting an awesome beard.
The sight of the two shopkeepers was a little overwhelming.
True, I’d seen elves and dwarves at a distance before, but this was the first time I’d ever actually talked to them.
My head was swiveling back and forth between them, my eyes sparkling with sheer awe at this fantasy world of wonders. But they didn’t seem to take it quite that way.
“Look at all the trouble you’re causing my customer,” the elf said. “He wants to come see my merchandise, but he’s terrified by your intimidation tactics. Let him go, you nasty dwarf.”
“What’s that?! I’ll tell ya why he’s upset—he’s tryna see what I’ve got, and you won’t let ’im be! He’s gonna buy from me, so why don’t ya shut that pretty face of yers and leave ’im in peace?”
With a fight brewing, I started to panic.
Come to think of it, all those old stories also mentioned that elves and dwarves didn’t get along very well.
“P-please, both of you, don’t fight. I-I’ll buy! I’ll buy from both your stores, so calm down!”
The dispute ended instantly, and the two shopkeepers smiled and chorused:
““Pleasure doing business with you!””
“Did you see that, Kazuma?! Elves and dwarves really don’t get along! Just like in the stories my father used to read to me!”
We left the souvenir shops behind, Darkness still bubbling with excitement.
I ended up having to buy from both of them, but call it the price of a really interesting experience.
I couldn’t shake the sense that I hadn’t had much of a choice making my purchases, but Darkness seemed happy enough to cart the mountain of buns around on her back. She planned to share them with her dad and the servants when she got home. This being her first real trip out of town, she was eager to bring something back for them.
“They sure did fit your typical idea of elves and dwarves… Aww, man. I should’ve asked them about the best sights to see in town while we were buying these.”
We were wandering around aimlessly, since neither of us knew anything about Arcanletia.
I told Darkness to wait a moment and went back to the shops. But neither shopkeeper was anywhere to be seen. Had they gone on break or something?
I peeked into one store and thought I heard a voice from inside.
Definitely. It was the elf from earlier.
…Wait a second. Is that the dwarf’s voice, too?
No way…
“Hey, I thought you said you’d stop fighti—!”
Assuming they were continuing their argument from earlier, I leaped into the store…
“Oh, hey, mister. I wish you wouldn’t come barging into our break room,” the elf said, with none of the elaborate politeness of before.
…Wait. The elf… The elf…?
The elf (?) shopkeeper seemed to notice where I was focused. He gave a self-conscious tug on his ears.
“Oh, these? I know what you’re thinking, but believe me, I’m a real elf, okay? Definitely not a fake one.”
His ears… They were round.
They were basically as human as mine.
He was sitting there next to the dwarf with a pair of stick-on ears resting on his knees.
…And the dwarf was rubbing his very beardless chin.
“What… What’s going on here?”
The elf (?) and the dwarf (?) exchanged a glance at my perplexed question.
“Well, you know. Forest elves have long ears because they stay away from humans. Elves like me, the ones who live in the human world? I mean, bloodlines mingle, and eventually you wind up with round ears. But then you try to tell customers you’re an elf, and no one believes you. Or they’re disappointed because you don’t look the way they imagined. So I decided to try to live up to the hype,” the elf explained.
…What the heck? You better believe I was disappointed.
The dwarf could tell, because he spoke up, too. “For me, there’s a question of sanitation. I run that souvenir shop until sundown, but nights and mornings I’m a cook for guests at one of the inns. And I can’t have a beard getting in all the food I’m trying to make, can I? …My, did you think we were still arguing? I’m sorry. That fight is just a little act we like to put on. I mean, everyone thinks elves and dwarves share such bad blood, right? We just ran with it.”
It was like realizing that people at African tourist traps only held their spears when the tourists came around, then put them down and went back to their cell phones as soon as the gawkers were gone.
I guess it was dumb of me to be so eager to find fantasy elements in this world.
Both of them assumed apologetic expressions at my obvious disappointment.
“Aww, I’m sorry,” the elf said. “Did I crush your dreams?”
“I suppose it goes to show you shouldn’t assume, sir. There are dwarves with butterfingers in this world, just like there are elves who can’t use a bow.”
“Yeah—like us!”
The two of them burst into laughter.
…I really, really hate this world.
But let broken dreams lie. There was a reason I’d come here.
“Forget it. Don’t worry, I won’t try to return the merchandise. I just want to know if you guys can recommend any good sightseeing spots around town.”
The two of them looked at each other.
“Sightseeing spots… Let’s see, until a little while ago there was a hot spring I would have gladly recommended…”
“Oh yeah. If you’d come here just a bit sooner…”
“…? Aren’t they all over the place? This is supposed to be a hot-springs town.”
The elf gave a wag of his finger.
“Ah, but this was a mixed bathing spot favored by young women.”
“You’re kidding.”
I took a step closer without realizing it.
The dwarf answered, “Oh yeah. We used to love going there when work was over.”
Sounds like an amazing place. I wonder why you can’t go there anymore.
The elf, reading my expression, said, “Truth is, a lot of the hot springs around here just aren’t as good as they used to be.”
…A drop-off in water quality?
“Yep. Some of the people who used the baths got rashes or took ill. In the worst cases, they even lost consciousness. A specialist in hot-springs quality came in but never was able to figure out what was wrong.”
I looked at the dwarf, who was wrinkling his brow.
Why did I have the feeling I was about to get dragged into something unpleasant again?
“—How’d it go? Is there anywhere good to see?”
Darkness’s question reminded me what I’d actually gone back for. All the talk of mixed bathing had pushed it clear out of my head.
“Uh… How about we start by just wandering over that way?” I suggested to a very puzzled Darkness.
3
As the two of us wandered, I took in the sights, holding a skewer that I’d gotten from a food stall.
Canals crisscrossed the city, lending it an air of natural purity. Seemed like a nice place to live.
…Then, a young woman stumbling along under a heavy-looking load appeared ahead of us.
Darkness and I had moved to the side of the road, trying to make room for her, when…
“Oh no! What am I going to do? I just bought these apples—!”
Just as I was passing her, the girl lost her balance, and the contents of one of her shopping bags spilled onto the ground.
The woman scrambled to pick up the fruits as they rolled away. Darkness and I knelt to help her.
“Thank you so much! You’re a big help. I wish there was some way I could repay you…!”
She nonchalantly dropped the shopping bags she’d been carrying so carefully, taking my arm.
Oh man. This was a flag if I ever saw one.
I didn’t have a great feeling about the situation, but I had to admit I was curious where this would lead.
“The Axis Church runs a café just nearby,” the girl said. “Let’s go there and have a chat.”
“…No thanks.”
Darkness and I promptly turned to leave, but the girl grabbed us by the scruffs of our necks.
“Oh, don’t be in such a hurry. I’m a fortune-teller, you know. Why not let me thank you by telling your future?”
“N-no thanks… We’re all set, really… So let…go…!”
I managed to bat her hand away from my collar and made to run, but she grabbed on to my waist instead.
“I just figured out your fortune! If you go on like this, you will have very, very bad luck! But if you join the Axis Church, you can avoid it! So join now! Why not?”
“My bad luck was meeting you! Lemme go! Darkness, help me!”
Darkness gently grabbed the woman attached to my waist.
She took a small charm from her neckline and showed it to the woman. It must have been a symbol that identified her as a follower of Eris. Sort of the way the Cross identifies Christians on Earth, I guess.
“I’m sorry, but I already follow Our Lady Eris. If you want this man, you’ll have to take him from me.”
“Ptoo!” The woman spat on the street. Then she wordlessly released me, picked up her bags, and rushed off.
She looked back over her shoulder, apparently unaccustomed to such treatment.
“…Ptoo.” She spat again and resumed making her exit.
Hang on…
“H-hey, Darkness. If… If the Axis and Eris Churches get that upset about each other, you ought to put that charm away… I mean, it’s not a big deal, but…,” I said, trying to be gentle with Darkness, who was still standing stiffly.
“…Hrk…!”
She grunted quietly and trembled.
……
“…You’re kind of getting off on this.”
“…Am not.”
As Darkness and I walked along the relatively empty streets, suddenly a tough-looking guy and a cute young woman came running our way.
“Ahhhhh! Help me! You two there, please help me! That awful man tried to drag me into a dark alley! He probably worships Eris…!”
“Hah! Hey, mister! You’re no Axis follower, are you? Heh! If you’d been some big, bad disciple of the water goddess, I might’ve run away. But since you’re not, I think I’ll be just fine! I have the blessing of the Dark Goddess Eris herself, so just stay out of my way—or you’ll regret it!”
“Oh! How awful! And I have these Axis Church sign-up papers right here! If only someone would sign their name, they could scare away this dreadful disciple of Eris!”
………
I decided to pretend I hadn’t seen anything and began striding away quickly.
“Oh, sir, please don’t abandon me! Don’t worry, if you just sign this paper, Lady Aqua will give you amazing powers of…something, and you’ll be super cool! This Eris follower will no doubt flee in terror!”
“I sure will! Plus, if you join up, there are all sorts of mysterious perks. Some people get better at party tricks, and others suddenly find themselves very popular with the undead!”
Darkness pulled out her charm again and showed it to them.
“As you can see, I am an actual Eris follower. I’ll thank you not to refer to her as the Dark Goddess in my—”
““Ptoo!””
Before Darkness could finish, the man and the woman both spat in the street and sped off.
…Are all Axis people like this?
Darkness stood wordless and stiff for a moment and then trembled.
……I could only assume she wasn’t representative of most Eris worshippers.
And so it went.
“Congratulations! You are the one millionth person to walk down this street! Take this commemorative doodad—sponsored by the Axis Church! You only need to sign your name here, right where it says ‘new believer.’”
I grabbed Darkness and did a one-eighty before we stepped down that particular avenue.
“…Huh? Is that you? Wow, I haven’t seen you in forever! It’s me! How have you been? Come on, you remember me! From school? We were in the same class? I guess maybe you wouldn’t recognize me—I’ve changed so much since I joined the Axis Church!”
For starters, I didn’t go to school in this world. And at the school I did go to, I certainly never had any female friends close enough to talk to me like that. So I walked silently past the girl on the street.
“…What’s with this town? For that matter, what’s with the Axis Church?”
Darkness and I had finally lost our Axis hangers-on and, thoroughly tired, were relaxing at an open-air café.
Darkness, sitting across from me, had encountered more than a little trouble thanks to the symbol of Eris hanging from her neck. Her cheeks were still red.
The waitress brought our orders as I collapsed over the table.
Plates arrived at our seat, accompanied by drinks.
I sat up, ready to eat…
“Oh, for our honored Eris-following customer. The owner sends this, with his regards.”
So saying, the waitress set something at Darkness’s feet with a metallic clink.
…It was a bowl of dog food.
“Enjoy your meal!”
The waitress smiled and bowed.
Darkness was red and quivering.
“…Kazuma. How about we all live in this town together?”
“…Absolutely not.”
I stood up, done with my meal, and dragged the blushing, wet-eyed Darkness back to our hotel.
This place was weird in a number of ways.
…Speaking of which, as we were heading home, a girl, maybe about ten years old, came trotting up to us.
Then suddenly, she tripped and fell.
Darkness and I rushed over to her, whereupon she said painfully, “Oh… Thank you so much, miss and sir.”
Then she smiled. I felt my bitter, cynical heart starting to heal.
“Are you all right?” I asked. “You should be more careful. Here, can you stand?”
I held out my hand to the girl, who took it happily. That guileless, innocent smile was doing my soul some serious good.
“Yes, I’m fine now! Thank you! …You’re so nice, mister. Could you tell me your name?”
“It’s Kazuma. Kazuma Satou. And this scary-looking lady is Darkness.”
Darkness gave me a gentle smack on the side of the head.
At that, the girl took out a pen and a sheet of paper.
“Kazuma Satou? How do you spell that? Could you write it down for me?”
“Sure, it’s spelled…”
I took the piece of paper, only to notice the words written at the top:
AXIS CHURCH SIGN-UP SHEET
“Damn it all to hellllll!”
“Mister! Misterrrr!”
I ripped the paper clean in two.
4
The Axis Church.
With the exception of this town, this extremely minor sect was overshadowed by the Eris faith, which essentially served as the state religion.
Despite its size, though, it was remarkably well-known. If bandits on the road were to attack you, you could just tell them you were a member of the Axis Church. Your assailants would almost certainly flee in sheer terror.
That was just how scared people were of these fanatics. Even the Demon King’s army supposedly kept its distance.
And at that moment…
“Dammit! Who’s in charge here?! I’m gonna give them a piece of my mind!”
I had just charged into the church that served as Axis headquarters.
“Goodness, what seems to be the matter? Are you here to be initiated? Baptized? Or was it me you wanted?”
Inside the church, there was just one woman, sweeping the floor.
There was no one else there.
“Y-you… I mean…”
“Oh, don’t be embarrassed; I’m only kidding. So serious. What were you expecting from a woman you just met? Maybe you should get your head examined.”
I resisted the urge to punch this Axis nutjob right in the face.
“So, what does bring you here? Our high priest, Father Zesta, and all the other evangelists are currently out playing arou… I mean, working hard to spread the name of Our Lady Aqua. If you’re looking for somebody, perhaps you could come back later…”
“Wait, no way did you just say that. They do all that obnoxious stuff basically for fun?! …Never mind. Did a girl with a bandage over her eye and an Arch-priest with light-blue hair come by here? They’re my friends.”
The woman kept sweeping.
“Oh, they’re friends of yours? Both of them are inside.”
Deeper within the church? What are they doing there?
The woman cocked her head.
“By the way, your other friend…the one those children are throwing stones at. Is she going to be all right?”
“Huh? Ahh! Hey, you dumb kids, what do you think you’re doing?! Get out of here, go!”
Darkness was in the fetal position just outside the church door, surrounded by children who were hurling rocks at her. I hurried to chase them away.
“K-Kazuma, l-levels are high in this town… Even the little girls overpowered me…! I don’t think I’m going to survive…!”
“Just stay off the streets, for all our sakes. And put that Eris charm away already.”
“No.”
With my stubborn Eris-following fellow in tow, I went back into the church.
The woman inside indicated with her eyes a small room deeper in.
It was a little space just off the main entrance.
Huh. A confessional, basically.
“One of your friends is in there. As all our priests are away right now, we asked your honored Arch-priest to handle the confession booth.”
Having your confession heard by an actual goddess? What a deal.
“Kazuma, I’ll go find Megumin. You take care of Aqua.”
With that, Darkness made to head farther into the building.
But the moment she drew alongside the lady with the broom, the woman swept the pile of dirt at Darkness.
Darkness came to a halt, her feet covered in dust and her cheeks bright red.
“Oh, pardon me! I saw your symbol of Eris and mistook it for garbage. I’m so very sorry.”
“Not…at…all…,” Darkness replied in a tight voice, trembling as though she was trying to restrain herself. Then she disappeared into the next room.
The scene further convinced me that I didn’t want anything to do with this particular believer, so I made a beeline for the confession booth.
I tried the door, but it was locked from the inside.
I knocked, but there was no answer.
What was she, asleep?
With no other option, I went in the other door, the one penitents would normally use. The moment I entered, I heard:
“Welcome, my lost sheep… Now, tell me your sins. Your goddess will hear them and will surely forgive you…”
It was Aqua, completely lost in her new role and the atmosphere of the little room.
Apparently, she had heard a number of confessions already and decided she liked the job.
There was a partition between us, so I couldn’t see her face, but I was sure she was smiling.
“I’m not your sheep. It’s me. You know—me! Hey, what the hell is going on in this town? It’s giving me a headache. I can’t even be a normal tourist because of these loons. They’re your followers, so do something about them!”
Aqua was silent for a moment, then…
“I see. You cry ‘It’s me! Me!’ because you are a swindler, conning sweet old grandparents by pretending to be a relative in need. I accept your admission of guilt. You should reflect deeply, as deeply as you can, upon your crimes. If you do so, the goddess Aqua, in her infinite compassion, will surely forgive you…”
“No, you idiot, when I say ‘It’s me,’ I mean it’s me! What are you going on about? You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? You like finally being able to act like a real priest.”
At that, Aqua fell silent again. “Do you have any other confessions to make? If not, then step out of the booth and gaze to the future with hope…”
“Hey, drop the act and listen to me already. They worship you in this town, right? You say a few words to the right people, and all this trouble is over. Take some responsibility!”
Yet again, Aqua went quiet for a moment. “Nothing else to confess? Then I shall be here, waiting for the next of my lost sheep… Now, be on your way.”
“What are you…? Are you telling me to get out…?”
“Yes, get out! If you’re done confessing, make room for the next person!”
This airhead must have decided she liked all the gratitude people showered on her for hearing their confessions.
Why was she so damn impressionable?
………
I adjusted myself on the chair and, in a deeply penitent tone, said, “…Actually, honored priest, there is something I want to get off my chest here.”
“?! Tell me, tell me! Now, confess your sins; unburden yourself. Is it your profound interest in your Crusader friend’s laundry? Your irresistible desire to bury your nose in the rich black hair of your spell-caster? The animal lust you feel for your beautiful, noble Arch-priest, despite your being an inept hikikomori?”
She sounded so pleased with herself.
I bluntly replied, “I broke the glass my friend the priest loved so much, the one she used to do party tricks. I stuck it back together with rice, sort of.”
“?!”
“Oh, and once she was bragging about some terrific wine she had gotten, so I got curious whether it was really as good as she said. I was just going to have a little taste… But it was even better than I expected, and I accidentally drank all of it. So I just replaced it with cheap booze, since I figured she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.”
“?! What are you talking about? Hey, Kazuma, what do you mean?!”
But I wasn’t done confessing.
“And that priest… She just causes me nothing but trouble, so…before we came here, I posted a request for an Eris priest to join our party on the bulletin board at the Adventurers Guild.”
“Waaaaah! You awful apostate, get ready for some divine retribution!”
Aqua tore open the little window between us with a clatter and tried to grab me.
“—Geez, calm down already. I told you, I was joking around. Anyway, Darkness and I couldn’t even go sightseeing because of your crazy followers. Isn’t this your home base? Try to keep a leash on them.”
I was on Aqua’s side of the confessional, having finally calmed her sobbing.
“What am I supposed to do about it? Today was the first day I ever met my own followers… And you aren’t really looking for a new priest, are you?”
“First two things aside, no. No new priest.”
“Hang on, what did you mean by ‘first two things aside’?”
…Suddenly, a rap came on the confessional door.
No way someone had actually come to confess, right?
Not being a priest, I figured I probably wasn’t supposed to be in here.
The door opened with a rattle, and someone shuffled in.
I poked Aqua next to me and indicated first myself and then the floor with my head.
Can I be here? was what I was trying to communicate, but Aqua assumed a grave expression, laced her fingers together in a praying gesture, and indicated a corner of the room with her eyes.
I followed her gaze to see a shadow on the wall and immediately recognized the crawling silhouette of Destroyer…!
Doesn’t this idiot ever understand anything?
“Welcome, my lost sheep… Now, tell me your sins. Your goddess will hear them and will surely forgive you…”
No sooner had I made to leave the room than Aqua switched from triumphantly demonstrating her prowess at shadow figures to murmuring to her new penitent.
Just a second…!
“Yes… Please! Please listen! I am an Axis disciple who has long venerated Our Lady Aqua! But…! The statues of Eris… Her vast bosom…! It leads me astray! That bust is the bust of the devil! Please… Please forgive the grave sin of being tempted toward another goddess…!”
Dang. I wanted to go over and thwack this guy for coming to confess the stupidest possible thing.
But Aqua, with a completely straight face and not a hint of ridicule, said gently, “Be at peace, for you are forgiven. Love voluptuous and meager chests alike. In the Axis Church, all is permitted. Be it homosexual love, or the love of a person for an animal-girl, or a loli girl, or a NEET… As long as it is not an undead or a demon, and so long as no crime is committed, all is acceptable.”
I noticed Aqua glance in my direction when she got to “or a NEET.”
“Oh! Ohhh!”
The penitent seemed to be having paroxysms of gratitude. From the quality of his voice, I’d guess he was crying.
“O my pious believer. Let me teach you a holy invocation so that you will not be led astray by a devil. ‘Eris’s chest is padded.’ Repeat these words any time you are tempted. And if you know any others facing this same temptation, you may teach them this mantra.”
“‘Eris’s chest is padded’… I—I feel as though my eyes have been opened! Thank you for this wonderful invocation! You have my gratitude!”
And still gushing his thanks, the erstwhile sinner went on his way.
“…Hey, Aqua. Are you really comfortable throwing your junior goddess under the bus like that?”
“What are you talking about? For deities, the number of believers and the quality of their faith is very important. It’s directly related to our power. I may not have as many followers as Eris, but mine are super-duper faithful. I’ll do anything I have to, to help them.”
G-geez…
When we left the confessional, we found Darkness, accompanied by a very tired-looking Megumin.
“Kazuma… You came…”
“What in the world happened to you? You look terrible.”
In response, Megumin only shook her head.
“This is a wicked place. Let us go home quickly—now! I don’t want to stay here another moment.”
“S-seriously, what happened?” I was keen to know, but Megumin made no effort to reply.
The number of sign-up sheets bulging in her pocket, though, gave me a good idea.
“Are you going home, Milady Arch-priest? Won’t you try this church’s famous hot bath first? It’s the best one in town, the very wellspring of the Axis Church. It’s quite restorative…”
The one female believer who had been holding down the fort here pulled us aside.
“Huh, that sounds like a good deal,” Aqua said. “How about it, everyone? Want to join me?”
“I want to go back to the hotel as soon as possible. Go back and rest. And Chomusuke seems frightened here for some reason. Perhaps she dislikes churches?”
“I can’t say what might happen to me when the rest of the Axis followers get back. I’ll count myself satisfied for today.”
Thus Megumin and Darkness excused themselves, and then they stared at me, as if to ask what I was going to do.
“Is it mixed bathing?”
“If you say such untoward things in this holy place, you risk a punishment from the gods,” the woman informed me.
So with that, I decided to leave, too.
5
Back at the hotel, we found Wiz in much better shape, warm and relaxed.
“Oh, welcome back, everybody! I’m sorry to have worried you. I went ahead and took a bath. I tried the mixed bath, on the advice of the staff. It’s huge! There was no one there; I had it all to myself.”
…The mixed bath is huge?
………Wait. She’s feeling all warmed up… She went ahead and took a bath…
So when I was in that stupid confession booth with Aqua, I could have been…
Psst.
The next two pages reflect the original Japanese orientation, so read backward!
“And how was your sightseeing? Did you manage to see any…? Mr. Kazuma? Are you all right?”
“Y-y-y-yikes! Ten more minutes… Or at least five…! I—I mean, I-I’m all right! A-anyway, we didn’t see squat. And I don’t want to leave the hotel tomorrow. This town is weird.”
“Those Axis followers are scary. Now I understand why they are as feared as the Crimson Magic Clan.”
As Megumin and I explained wearily, Darkness broke in.
“M-maybe I’ll go sightseeing again tomorrow…”
“Y-you’re… You know what, do whatever you want. I’m gonna go take a bath.”
I stood, exasperated at our Crusader, who appeared to be the only one who liked this town at all.
I went to my room to undress. As the only guy in a party full of women, I had gotten my own room.
But before I left, I turned back to everyone one more time.
“…I’m going to go take a bath.”
“We heard you the first time. Have fun.”
“I’ve been in already. Take your time!”
Thus Megumin and Wiz.
To Darkness, I said again:
“…a bath.”
“Just go already.”
Her tone couldn’t have been colder.
Once I had returned to my room and stripped down, I made for the hotel bath.
I was a bit disappointed to go unaccompanied, but, well, that had always been a long shot.
Now it was time for today’s main event.
From right to left there were the men’s bath, the mixed bath, and the women’s bath.
Without a moment’s hesitation, I marched straight into the middle.
The changing room had a basket with clothes in it. In other words, someone was already here.
Okay, calm down. You don’t know for certain that it’s a beautiful young woman waiting in there.
I tried to steady myself as I stripped down, my heart beating just a little faster than usual. Then I went in.
I could hear someone talking in the bath.
“Now that awful sect is done for. Our plot to destroy their precious baths is done. Right now, everything is going to plan at the other places, too. If all goes well, we need only wait. We’re long-lived—what’s ten or twenty years to us?”
What was this, a manga or a movie or something?
Whatever it was, that man sure sounded like he was up to no good—
6
He’d just said, “That awful sect is done for.”
I was sure he meant the Axis Church.
And then he had said, “We’re long-lived—what’s ten or twenty years to us?”
It was enough to conclude that someone who was not human was plotting to destroy the Axis Church.
…I am so, so sick of getting caught up in these dangerous situations.
And another thing. What would really be the harm if the Axis Church did get destroyed?
I hadn’t been using Ambush, but luckily, the speaker didn’t seem to notice me. I headed back toward the changing room, planning to ignore what I had just heard and get out of there before I got sucked in any further…
“Hans, you didn’t have to come here just to inform me of that. I keep telling you, I’ve come to recuperate in these very baths. Please don’t involve me in your schemes.”
I’d been halfway through re-dressing, but at the sound of a woman’s voice, I immediately shucked everything off again.
“Aww, don’t be like that, Wolbach. We could never get rid of this church with an open attack, and this is a chance to take them out. And I’ll keep coming to make my reports, so you just keep bathing here in this hotel, all right?”
I wrapped a towel around my waist and strode up to the door, which I flung open with no warning.
““?!””
The noise clearly startled them both.
A man and a woman were in the bath. The man hadn’t actually entered the water but was crouching on one knee next to the woman, with a towel wrapped around his hips. He was muscular and tall, with close-cropped brown hair, and was now watching me in surprise.
They must have been the ones making the evil plans.
But never mind that.
I was already fixated on the woman in the bath, who was eyeing me with a hint of nervousness.
She was a little older than me, with short red hair and unusual yellow irises reminiscent of a cat’s. And she was generously endowed. Not bad at all.
As I stood there unable to tear my gaze away from the woman, the man started to whisper to her.
“Do you think he heard us…?”
“I don’t know… But he won’t stop looking at me…”
Their muted conversation brought me back to myself. I couldn’t stare at the woman just because this was the mixed bath! I entered wearing the most nonchalant facade I could muster and then sauntered over to the washing area to clean myself.
I started dousing myself in water, feeling their gazes on me.
…Every once in a while, I couldn’t keep myself from peeking back at the woman.
That was just the natural behavior of a healthy adolescent male, right?
“…Do you notice he only looks at me? What could it mean?”
“…Hrm, well…I suppose he didn’t hear us. He doesn’t look suspicious, just a little interested in you.”
At that, the woman sank even deeper into the water.
Why’d he have to go and say that?
I finished washing and submerged myself in the bath a little ways away from the two of them.
I hadn’t done anything to feel guilty about. No reason I should be circumspect around them just because I’d overheard them hatching some evil plans. And if I just happened to catch sight of the body of another bather, well, what fault was that of mine?
So I’d look, and I’d hold my head up high doing it.
“Hey. H-hey…”
“I-it’s better than him being suspicious, isn’t it? I’ve got stuff to do—see you!”
And he rushed out before he was finished speaking.
…It was only then that I noticed the man’s body was completely dry. Couldn’t he even enjoy a little soak while he was plotting destruction or whatever?
Or was there some reason he couldn’t get in the bath?
…Anyway, I was there for my health. Who were these people, and what were they planning? I didn’t know, and I didn’t care.
Once the man called Hans was gone, the atmosphere in the bath took a turn for the awkward.
What should I do? I was getting nervous. Even I couldn’t keep eyeing her when it was just the two of us.
I stretched in the water and let out a deep breath.
“…Ahem. You don’t appear to be from around here. Are you on vacation?”
The woman suddenly spoke to me. Maybe she couldn’t stand the strain in the air, either.
“I guess you could call it that. I just came to heal up in the baths with my friends.”
She answered with an impressed “Oh,” then continued. “What an interesting coincidence… I’m taking advantage of the curative effects of these waters myself. But you seem so young. What do you hope to heal in the baths? Are you hurt?”
“Yeah. I know I don’t look it, but I’m an adventurer. We fought a powerful enemy recently, and I ended up taking a serious blow to the head. The stuff of legends, really.”
She giggled at that and said, somewhat jokingly, “When I fought with my other half, I couldn’t quite steal all my power back. So I’m here relaxing and trying to recover my original strength.”
“Trying to get back your real power from your other half? There’s a spell-caster in my party who would love to hear that.”
“Heh-heh! Is she from the Crimson Magic Clan, by any chance? I wonder if the Crimson Magic girl I taught wizardry to is doing well for herself… If I could find my missing half, I wouldn’t have to bother bathing to feel better. Maybe it’s around here somewhere?”
She sighed deeply. I was pretty sure she was just poking fun, but her words somehow had a ring of truth.
“All right. I’m going to get out now… Oh, and…you might not want to spend too much time in the city’s hot springs right about now.”
I didn’t quite understand what she was talking about, but she started to stand up…
“…Ahem… If you could…not stare too hard while I’m getting out of the bath… It’s a most vulnerable moment…”
“Of course.”
After my prompt answer, she seemed about to cry.
Well, nothing for it.
I turned my back and heard her murmur “Thank you.” Then she muttered, “Ah… Here I finally find a nice hot-springs town. And now I have to find a new place to rejuvenate myself in the baths.”
That sounded important. But she was already leaving.
Alone in the bath now, I thought back over what the pair had said.
“That awful sect is done for.”
And the girl had warned me, “You might not want to spend too much time in the city’s hot springs right about now.”
I had no idea why she’d said that, but I sensed she had done so with good intentions.
Did this mean they were plotting something for this town, the heart of the Axis Church?
Now that I knew about it, I was probably obligated to do something, but to be honest, it was hard to want to. I was so over getting sucked into crazy shenanigans.
…Right. I was here on vacation. I would just pretend I didn’t know anything…
Just as I was busy ignoring reality, I heard it.
“Oh-ho! The bath at our mansion is nothing to sneeze at, but this is what you’d expect from a top-class hotel! You could practically swim in it!”
“Megumin, swimming in the bath is bad manners… Hey, what are you doing?! Why are you taking your towel…? Oh!”
“What are you so embarrassed about? It’s just us girls. Are we not stalwart adventurers? Who are we to be so dainty and easily flustered?”
“That makes no sense! You’re too mannish, Megumin! Oh, my towel—!”
I heard two very familiar voices from the women’s bath.
Apparently, Megumin and Darkness had removed their towels.
I wanted to encourage them to keep it up, but I couldn’t even see them—I would just have to use my imagination.
I casually waded over so I was closer to the women’s bath. It was separated from the mixed bath by a wall that didn’t quite reach the ceiling. If I piled up some washbasins and stood on my tiptoes on top of them, I might just be able to see over.
But I was far too much of a gentleman to do anything like that.
In comic books, that sort of thing ends with a shriek and a washbasin to the head, maybe a punch. But only in comic books.
This was reality, and trying to peek into the other bath would get the cops called on me, no question.
There came a sploosh of people getting into the water from just beyond the wall.
“Phew,” said Megumin. “Having a soak in a hot spring once in a while isn’t bad. Normally, I would not mind taking that stinky Kazuma outside and hunting the undead that Aqua always manages to find no matter where we go, but this was absolutely the right place for a getaway.”
What did she just say…?!
“Is that why you recommended relaxing at the baths?” Darkness replied. “Well, I guess even if we’d stayed in town, we never would have gotten him to go out hunting. What is with that guy, anyway? Just when I’m sure he’s a quivering coward, he shows a force of personality that would put most nobles to shame… He can’t hold his ground against a Giant Toad, but he’ll face down a general of the Demon King’s army. He’s so weird—or maybe he just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Shh! Darkness, hold on before you say anything else. The mixed bath is next door. If Kazuma had the choice between the men’s bath and the mixed bath, which do you think he’d pick?”
“I see your point. He may be a timid screwup, but with an opportunity like this, he’d march right into the mixed bath.”
Just wait till I get my hands on them.
Then again, nothing they had said was untrue. And I was in the mixed bath at that very moment.
Megumin and Darkness presumably had no idea of the conflict within me as they raised their voices.
“Kazumaaaa! We know you’re in there! You’ve probably got your ear up against the wall right now, panting and trying to picture what part Darkness is going to wash first.”
“M-Megumin! Why’d you have to make me the center of…! Hey, Kazuma, you’re there, aren’t you? I know you are!”
They could say whatever they wanted. I didn’t have to let them know I was there.
It didn’t even bother me that they’d read me like a book.
…Really, it didn’t…
I stayed silent for a while, and finally, I heard whispers.
“That’s strange. Could he not be there? Surely…”
“Hrm. But there’s no answer at all…”
Still I didn’t say a word. And then:
“It appears he really is not there. I suppose I misjudged him. I will treat him to some juice or something later.”
“I guess it was a little rude of us. We shouldn’t have judged him like that.”
I could hear them quietly repenting of their accusations.
“Here we are bad-mouthing him, but he really is reliable. I’m sorry I was so suspicious of him…”
“Yeah. He may not look the part, but he really comes through when his friends are in trouble. He isn’t always very open, but deep, deep down, he’s a good guy. I’m sorry, too…”
I was getting a twinge of guilt about eavesdropping on them now.
Once I got out of the bath, maybe I would treat them to something instead.
I was just about to leave the bath when—
“By the way, Megumin, I keep wondering about that thing on your butt…”
“Oh no! I know we are friends, Darkness, but if you say another word, I will not let you off easily!”
“Hang on—! Stoppit—!”
There was a violent splashing, and bathwater came flying over the wall between them and me.
“Good heavens! Such outrageous behavior! If you have time to worry about my rear, how about you spend some of it making these distractingly huge things more compact?!”
“Ahh! Hey! M-Megumin, stop—! Those are my—!”
It didn’t take long for my pangs of conscience to vanish and for me to reassume my position at the edge of the bath.
Then, just to be safe, I activated my Ambush skill and put my ear to the wall…!
“Now!”
“Hi-yah!”
“Bwah?!”
The sudden impact came straight through the wall and into my temple, sending me tumbling into the water. Darkness must have given the wall her best smack from the other side.
“Did you hear that?! I knew he was there!”
“Yeah! We had his number! That shameless ogling I feel from him every day! I knew someone with that much frustrated lust would wind up in the mixed bath!”
I heard their triumphant voices, my head throbbing from the blow.
Now I was definitely gonna kill them.
“Create Water!”
““Yeeeeek!””
I fired my magical spray upward, aiming for the opening at the top of the wall. On the other side, the girls shrieked as it poured down on their heads.
Sundry items came flying back from their side in a counterattack. Shampoo, soap, a wash bucket, Chomusuke.
“Hey! Don’t fling your cat! She almost ended up in the water!”
“I keep meaning to wash her, but she hates baths. I end up covered in scratches every time I try. As your punishment for eavesdropping, you must do it,” Megumin asserted.
Chomusuke was digging her claws into my arm in terror of the water.
I guess it’s no walk in the park for you, either, having such a crazy owner…
Now that they knew I was here, there was no reason to hold back.
“Heeeey, since we finally got to go on a hot-springs vacation and all… Us party members are basically family, aren’t we? Since we’re here, come on over to this side and join me. Both of you have been in the bath with me before, so why not now?”
“This man usually treats us as nothing but trouble, but listen to him now—party members! Family!”
“I can’t tell if you’re a total screwup or the gutsiest person I ever met!”
—I chose to get out of the now-tempestuous bath and return to our room before they did. But…
“It—it’s not faiiiir! I…! I didn’t do anything wrong…! I only got in the bath!”
“It must have been awful, Lady Aqua… B-but please d-don’t cry… Your tears burn terribly when they touch my skin…”
…I found Aqua weeping, her face buried in Wiz’s chest.
“Geez, look at you. What crazy thing happened now? How many people do you plan to cause trouble for today?”
“What do you mean, crazy?! And what do you mean, trouble?! Why are you so sure I did something wrong?!” Aqua spat, whipping around.
“Apparently…Milady Aqua got in the most cherished bath of the Axis sect, one full of good minerals and everything, only to have it turn into regular hot water. So…”
“So they chased me out! Me, their goddess! How could I get run out of my own church?! How?!”
I recalled other occasions when Aqua had purified water with an accidental touch.
“And…!” she went on. “The manager of the bath was furious. And I said to him…! I said, ‘I’m sorry for turning your hot spring into regular water. But it was only natural! Because I’m the water goddess Aqua herself!’ And the manager…sniff…he just snorted at me! ‘Pfft.’ Even though it’s true! I really am a goddess!”
Wiz offered comfort as best she could as the goddess burst back into tears.
I only stared at Aqua…
“…Pfft.”
“Waaaaaaahhh!”
“Mr. Kazuma!”
No Comments Yet
Post a new comment
Register or Login