Chapter 3
May I Lecture This Runaway Girl!
1
“All adventurers who participated in yesterday’s battle—your work is very, very, very much appreciated! Our heartfelt congratulations on your defeat of the giant bounty head, the Kowloon Hydra! In light of your actions, you’ll all receive a huge reward!”
““““Whooooooooooooo!!””””
The Guild employee’s announcement prompted the adventurers present to fill the Guild Hall with cheers.
With the hydra safely dead, we had all gone home to rest from the massive battle before reconvening here at the Guild. All in attendance had been at the previous day’s fight, and they all looked very happy. That made sense, given the reward they were about to receive.
My party was camped out at a table in the center of the hall. “I don’t get it,” I said. “We’re gonna pick up a huge sack of cash, and Darkness isn’t even here. Did she forget we were having a party today? Or is she embarrassed about that stuff yesterday?”
“That might be it,” Aqua said. “I felt like there was a little more…tension than usual with Darkness yesterday. Like maybe she was embarrassed even around us. She hardly ever drinks, but yesterday she really hit the bottle. She even tried to get me to drink, even though she usually yells at me when she thinks I’ve had too much wine.”
Aqua was holding her egg in her hand, which, as ever, gave off a faint glow. She seemed to be trying to act grown-up as she said, “Darkness is the oldest person in our party, but she can be so childish, you know? She’s clumsy and quick to be embarrassed. If she doesn’t feel she can show her face around here yet, there’s nothing we can do about it. Best just let her watch after the house. Maybe we can bring her a souvenir.”
“How can you act like she’s the oldest and the youngest member of our party at the same time? Anyway, which of you is the lady who’s so old she won’t even tell us how old she is?”
“Mr. Kazuma Satou. Didn’t I warn you that the next time you brought up that subject, you were going to get some serious divine punishment? I hereby declare: May all your cold beverages be lukewarm!”
I didn’t know how she could say such stupid things with a straight face, but I mostly ignored Aqua. Instead, I looked around at the adventurers gleefully awaiting their reward. The bounty was a billion eris, to be split among all those who had participated.
A billion eris.
That sum represented what they felt the defeat of the hydra was worth. With the monster gone, the area around the lake would become fertile again; the money was proportionate to the benefit of having rich new soil to farm.
Approximately fifty people had been part of this latest monster-slaying expedition. That meant twenty million eris each.
They called the adventurers up by name, one by one, until finally it was our turn.
“Mr. Kazuma Satou and party! In addition to the reward of eighty million eris, representing four shares, by special request of those who participated in the battle, you are also to be awarded one extra share, for a total of one hundred million eris!”
“Thank you so much! All right, everyone! Let’s put this extra twenty million to good use right here and— H-hey! Leggo! You didn’t want to hand over the last bag of money, either!”
I had to pry the cash out of the unwilling hand of the Guild employee.
“Thanks again for your help yesterday, everyone! Now let’s party!”
“““““Whooooooooooooooo!!!”””””
The whooping and hollering filled the entire Guild Hall.
It was only noon, but I foresaw myself having a late night…
2
It was well after sunset as we walked through the streets of Axel, making our way back to the mansion.
With the hydra defeated, for once we hadn’t a care in the world, and we had bought some stuff a cut above what we usually got. I thought we could use it to have ourselves a little after-party with Darkness at home.
What did we get? Speckled crab! I hadn’t had it since Darkness’s family had sent us some as a gift. Aqua had been exceptionally excited ever since she saw it.
When we got back, though, Darkness was nowhere to be found.
“Hey, Darkness, we’re…home? Huh? What, did she go out?”
Then I noticed a single sheet of paper on the table. It was a note in Darkness’s handwriting, and it said she had gone to the local lord to report the slaying of the hydra. (The mansion of the local ruler, which I had destroyed some time ago, had finally been rebuilt.)
Now that we were back home, Aqua took her egg out of her pocket, sat on the couch, and got back to the business of trying to hatch it, but not without urging me to hurry up with the food, like a puppy waiting for her dinner.
“Hey, pipe down,” I said. “We have to wait till Darkness gets home before we can eat anyway. And another thing. Stop trying to hatch your dumb chick for a few minutes and help out around the house a little! Have you been cleaning the bathroom like you’re supposed to?”
“Hey, Kazuma, you could afford to be a little nicer to a woman who’s practically on the verge of childbirth. And I want you to stop calling him a chick already. You’re so mean to Emperor Zel, and he hasn’t even been born yet—when he gets big, don’t be surprised if he eats you.”
Finally, Megumin and I decided to make dinner on the assumption that Darkness would be home sooner or later. The remaining member of our party was too busy hatching an egg to help, so she just lazed around on the sofa.
At last our nicer-than-usual meal was ready and laid out on the living room table.
“Hey, Kazuma, Darkness is pretty late. I don’t think I can hold out with the food sitting in front of me like this. Hurry up and find Darkness! Go find her!”
“You’re awfully demanding for someone who didn’t pay for the food or help make it,” I replied.
Meanwhile, Megumin got silverware and tea for four. “This is a rather special meal. Even a daughter of nobility like Darkness doesn’t get speckled crab very often, I should think. Heh-heh-heh! I look forward to seeing her reaction when she tastes my cooking!”
“You just shook some salt over it and then got the silverware.”
I couldn’t blame Megumin, though, for seeming pleased. We were eating well tonight, if I did say so myself. I had started to acquire refined tastes from constantly going out to eat, so finally I had shelled out some money to learn the Cook skill.
After all, from here on out, I intended to engage in adventuring only as a hobby. That meant skills that would improve my quality of life were worth more to me than combat abilities. Maybe I could take some of my loads of money and open a restaurant or something…
I mulled over the idea as all of us waited eagerly for Darkness to come home.
Finally, the curtain of night had well and truly fallen, and Darkness still hadn’t come home.
“Hey, Kazuma! The food’s gone all cold! Heat it up again!”
“Forcing someone to wait for their food… I’m not Darkness, and I do not enjoy this kind of ‘play’ at all. As punishment, when she gets home, I shall make her sit in front of the sofa and watch while we eat first.”
“I don’t think she would find that as punishing as you hope. In fact, I think she might… Er, forget it. She really is pretty late, though. She said she’d be back by dinner. What is she up to? Maybe something happened at her home, just like Vanir predicted? She could at least send us a message or something.”
None of us was very happy to be waiting. At length, irritation turned to anger, and we convened an impromptu conference about how we would get back at her for this. It was a surprisingly thorny question, given that she took most punishments as more like rewards. What would work on someone like that?
The only thing none of us suggested was that we go ahead and eat.
We settled on forcing her to wear an absolutely adorable outfit (coordinated by Aqua) and then parading her through the Guild and town, taking photos with a magical camera, despite the fact that such equipment would be very expensive to rent for even a day.
By the time we had figured out what we were going to do to Darkness, today was about to turn into tomorrow.
“Boy, she’s really late,” Aqua murmured. And still no one touched their food.
How could it take this long to report the defeat of one hydra? I knew the guy she was reporting it to was a famous lecher, but I didn’t think even he would try anything with Darkness, who was nobility, after all.
It looked like she wouldn’t be coming home today, no matter how long we waited. That meant she’d be getting back in the morning again, and then we would really let her have it.
“I don’t think she’s coming back today,” I said. “I wish she’d at least let us know. Hey, let’s just eat already.”
But despite my suggestion, Aqua and Megumin didn’t budge. They just sat there looking disturbed.
Ahh, dammit!
I’m gonna make that big, dumb masochist cry for real. Maybe I can rent Vanir for an hour and have him ask her every embarrassing question he can come up with.
Okay, I’ve got it. The longer she takes to come home, the longer I’ll let Vanir interrogate her.
Now I had a plan. But Darkness didn’t come home that day. Or the next day. Or even the one after that.
For days on end, she didn’t come home at all.
3
“Hey, Kazuma, what’s that? What are you making?”
I was at the living room table, where I had been working industriously all morning. Aqua picked up the product of my labors and inspected it.
It was basically imitation dynamite. It was back-to-basics stuff, like the kind Nobel had first made: nitroglycerin mixed with sand and a hardening agent, wrapped in paper and topped with a fuse.
But then, nitroglycerin hadn’t yet been discovered in this world, and I couldn’t find anything that would make for a good fuse, so even if you lit this thing on fire, it wouldn’t explode. I didn’t actually know how dynamite worked, so I couldn’t exactly build some for myself…
“It’s… You know. I have kind of this vague idea of the shape and what’s involved, but we don’t have the right materials, so I can’t make the real thing. But I thought if I could make something with the right shape, maybe some visionary would be able to find something to use in place of nitro.”
“I see! You’re bringing hypermodern weapon technology into a world that knows nothing of it! Kazuma… You terrify me…!”
Actually, it was more like I’d decided to go ahead and revisit a few ideas I had previously rejected on the grounds that no one would want them. But who knew? Maybe they’d sell.
Aqua held her egg to her stomach with one hand and picked up the dynamite in the other.
There was a reason I was doing this.
Early this morning, a letter had arrived from Darkness.
“That thing that Aqua is holding, what are you going to use it for?” Megumin looked up from her intent perusal of Darkness’s letter.
“This is a replica of something called dynamite. Dynamite basically has the same effect as explosion magic.”
“?!”
Megumin grabbed the item out of Aqua’s hand. My words seemed to have provoked a pretty serious reaction.
“Dynamite is great, because anyone can use it,” I went on. “It’s so simple, it doesn’t even need MP! We still have a ways to go, but as far as making it—”
“Grrrarraaahhh!”
“Ahhhhhh! How can you do that to something I worked so hard on?!”
Megumin had run over to the window and flung the dynamite out with all her might.
“Shall I abide the ‘simple’ reproduction of the ultimate magic?! I will not allow the development of such evil weapons!”
“Y-you’re such a pain…”
Megumin stood with rasping breath for a moment before she remembered the letter.
It had come from Darkness, addressed to all of us. Megumin had read it over more times than I could count, sure there must be some hidden meaning. Now she placed it on the table.
“Darkness really intends to leave our party… To never come back…”
Aqua and I were both silent at that.
Finally, I said, “…There’s nothing any of us can do. Family is family. She should never have been able to go adventuring with commoners like us in the first place.”
“No! I’m sure there’s something strange going on here,” Megumin shot back. “Darkness would never just leave us without saying anything! We’re too close for her to say farewell with nothing but a letter!”
“She’s right,” Aqua said. “You know what I think? I think Kazuma’s over-the-top sexual harassment finally went too far. At the very least, he could stop filling the bathtub with our laundry and then diving in while crying, ‘Whoo-hoo! Underwear baaaath!’”
“What?! I have never once done that! Yet!”
“‘Yet’?”
I grabbed the letter off the table and reviewed the contents once again.
I’m sorry for springing this on you so suddenly.
As I read it over…
I can’t tell you exactly what’s going on, but it’s complicated. It’s something I have to deal with as a noble.
…I crushed it into a ball and prepared to throw it into the trash bin.
I can’t be with you guys anymore. I know how selfish it sounds, but count me out of the party. I hope you’ll find another fine frontline defender.
Seeing me like that, Aqua and Megumin looked a little scared. Dammit, what was I so angry about?
I’m grateful to all of you. I can never express just how thankful I am. I truly enjoyed our adventures together. This has been the best time of my life. I promise I’ll never forget the experiences we shared together.
She was nobility, after all. She lived in a different world than we did. She’d just gone back to it.
Yeah… Yeah. Now we could get a real tank, someone whose attacks actually landed. That was the plan.
I sat down at the table and started on my next product.
Thank you for everything. Signed, Lalatina Ford Dustiness. To my beloved companions, I express my gratitude from the bottom of my heart.
There was a crack as the tip of my box cutter broke. I had been pushing harder with it than I’d realized. That caused Megumin to say, “I believe you are bothered as well, aren’t you, Kazuma? Why not be honest? And then let us go once more to Darkness’s mansion!”
She clenched her fist in determination and came closer to me.
That first day Darkness hadn’t come home—
Shortly after midnight, we started picking at the cold food.
Then, straightaway that morning, we pretty much mounted an assault on the Dustiness mansion…
“They’ll just chase us off again,” I said. “We are talking about a serious noble family here. If we try to fight our way in, the best we can hope for is that we all get arrested. Darkness and her dad being who they are, we might avoid the death penalty, but if she doesn’t want to see us, we don’t have a lot of choices.”
Megumin wilted at this.
When we had arrived at Darkness’s home, the guard at the gate had told us simply, “I can’t tell you what’s happening. I must ask you to withdraw,” and then turned us away.
Irritated, I started looking for a replacement box cutter.
“I don’t think you believe what you’re saying, Kazuma,” Aqua said. “You’re still hoping there’s something we can do for Darkness. That’s why you’re working so hard on all this new stuff. You really believe what that useless demon said to you, don’t you? Let me tell you something about demons. They’re all con artists. And they never help someone for free.”
I froze when I heard Aqua give voice to my inner turmoil. “N-no way! You’re so wrong you don’t even know! I just don’t wanna work, so I’m coming up with even more gadgets to sell, that’s all!”
Aqua looked at me very seriously. “What’s with the passive-aggressive act, Kazuma? You don’t have to pretend not to care. Just be honest. Say that you’re lonely without Darkness around. I refuse to acknowledge anyone who tries that ‘I pretend not to care, but I secretly care a lot!’ act but doesn’t have golden twintails! So either get your act together or get some dye and start doing that hair!”
“……”
I grabbed the egg from Aqua as if I was going to go make breakfast with it. That was enough to get her weeping and apologizing for crossing the line.
Megumin just watched us, then murmured sadly, “Even your usual antics are somehow…missing something now.”
4
Megumin pattered behind me, looking displeased, as I went to the Guild. Frankly, I had hoped she would just sit quietly at home today—like Aqua, who was still obsessed with hatching her egg.
“Hey, Megumin,” I said. “I’ll give you some pocket change to blow—so just go home, okay?”
“No, it is not okay. I am a member of this party, and as such I have a right to help choose any new members.”
Megumin had refused to listen to any of my instructions for a while now. And I guess I couldn’t blame her.
After all, the reason I was going to the Guild right now was in hopes of finding a new frontline member to replace Darkness.
The wizard stepped up her pace until she was immediately behind me and said, “I’m appalled. A precious companion, with whom you’ve shared laughter and pain, goes away for just a few days, and you try to replace her? You’re a monster, Kazuma. A true monster.”
Then she jogged backward until she was again several steps behind me.
“Y-you’ve got it all wrong. Darkness asked us to replace her. Of course I would have preferred to have her back. But she’s the one who wanted us to—”
There was a tap-tap-tap as Megumin closed the distance once more. “You’re just putting up a front. You’re embarrassed after what Aqua said to you earlier, aren’t you? You just can’t admit it. You’re trying to act tough. You’re afraid that if you put off getting a new party member, we’ll think it’s because you miss Darkness.”
Then she jogged backward (tap-tap-tap) until she was again several steps behind me.
I can’t believe this!
After that, Megumin tailed me until we got to the Guild, the space between us never changing by a single step.
Geez. She could just walk beside me, but nooo…
Annoyingly, she never fell back far enough that I could try to lose her by running away.
When we finally made it to the Adventurers Guild, Megumin came up and tugged on my sleeve.
“I really don’t think you should go in there, Kazuma. If you do, you will experience firsthand the wrath of the Crimson Magic Clan.”
“What are you gonna do? Try anything, and I’ll stuff that precious staff of yours down the toilet.”
I walked into the Guild with Megumin, who was frowning close behind me. I went over to the L OOKING FOR G ROUP board and started going through the posts. There was no point in posting a request for new members myself; our party’s terrible reputation would precede us. I was painfully aware that nobody would answer my request for a front-row tank.
That meant we had to find someone who was already looking for a new party to join. We could strong-arm them a little if necessary…
Ooh!
I actually found someone right away who looked pretty good. A warrior, specializing in one-handed swords. Confident in their defensive prowess, looking to tank on the front row. Eighteen-year-old male.
That sounded just about right. I grabbed the paper and went over to the table where the adventurer was waiting.
“Ahem. Excuse me? About your post?” I said.
The guy looked up at me with a cheerful expression. Maybe he didn’t know who I was. “Oh yes! Pleased to meet you. My name is—”
“Never mind the introductions,” Megumin said, coming up behind the guy.
…This couldn’t end well.
“I don’t want to know your name until I have tested you, to see if you are right for our party. We are, after all, a first-rate operation that routinely goes toe-to-toe with generals of the Demon King. Your test is this: You must defeat a major bounty solo, without any— Ow!”
“There’s no test! Please, just ignore her! I’m sorry—give us a minute, okay?”
“Uh… Sure…”
I gave the jabbering Megumin a smack to shut her up. “Come over here, you.”
“Absolutely not… Oh! Oh! Don’t pull on my hood! I got this robe from a friend! You’ll stretch it out of shape!”
I dragged Megumin over to where we would be out of earshot of the warrior guy. “Don’t you get it?” I said. “If Darkness comes back, all that happens is we have a five-person party. I don’t have the stamina to be our wall. Neither does Aqua. And you are out of the question. If we want to face a bunch of monsters without Darkness, we need someone to block for us, get it?”
“Yes, Kazuma, I ‘get it.’ I am quite intelligent enough to understand the need for front-row muscle. Let us proceed, then.”
There’s no way she really understands. She’s going to sabotage the interview.
“Listen up,” I said to her. “We’ve taken down a bunch of the Demon King’s generals. One of these days we’re going to get the attention of the king himself. Heck, he sent Vanir here because we offed Beldia. We need to have at least a minimum of functioning combat ability at any time, just in case he shows up. We could get that kid to join us on a temp basis. You see? You won’t undermine me, will you?”
“I see. And I won’t. Believe me, I won’t.” Megumin nodded, unusually docile. It was when she was most demure that you could be surest she was planning something. I went back to the warrior’s table, keeping one very close eye on my wizard.
“Okay,” I said, “sorry about that. I’m Kazuma Satou. You can call me Kazuma. And this is—”
Just as I was about to introduce her, Megumin gave her cape a dramatic flourish and, in a voice that carried around the entire Guild Hall, said:
“My name is Megumin! Greatest of the magic-users of Axel and master of Explosion! In this Guild I am known by the nickname of Crazy Explosion Girl! Now, let us together— Ow!”
As Megumin stood there doing a ridiculous self-introduction and attracting the attention of the entire Guild, I gave her a smack—but it was too late. A look of recognition was dawning on the warrior’s face.
“W-wait… I’ve heard rumors about you… I’m—I’m sorry, they were the most terrible things. It’s too much for me! Please, ask someone else!”
I was curious what kind of rumors he’d heard. Maybe our reputation was worse than I’d thought. We left the warrior, still apologizing, behind us. Megumin turned to me with a smile that was part satisfaction—but part pain, as if she had lost something important.
“It doesn’t look like he’s a good match for us, does it, Kazuma? All I did was introduce myself. Let’s try the next person. Who is it?”
Self-introduction? More like a suicide attack. I had underestimated Megumin’s commitment. I never expected her to embrace the nickname she loathed so much.
Anyway, who was next?
Megumin and I went back over to the board, but each time we found a likely prospect, they refused to so much as make eye contact. It looked like Megumin had succeeded in fatally wounding our reputation with her little outburst.
Dammit! Usually she just mindlessly exploded things. Why did she have to choose now of all times to be clever?
That was when it happened.
“Hey, Kazuma. You lookin’ for party members? Why not ask me?”
It was Dust. He didn’t seem to be with his usual group today.
“You already have party members, don’t you?” I said. “What happened to the others?”
Dust’s face twisted. “They’re the worst! Get this, Kazuma—just listen to this! They made all that money in the battle with the hydra, so now they tell me they don’t plan to work for a while! I didn’t get any reward, and I need to make some cash. But everyone’s so loaded right now that they aren’t even looking for temp party members. And warriors like me are an eris a dozen… That’s my story. If you’re looking to fill out your front row, why not let me do it?”
Megumin was glaring at Dust as if he were a very inconvenient bug. Okay, so he had a reputation as a punk, but he was also known as someone who could get a job done. Megumin and Aqua had actually partied up with him at one point, so he was sort of a friend.
I didn’t have any reason to turn him down, so Dust joined our party on a trial basis.
What we needed now was a way to make sure the whole party gelled, temporary member and all, so we grabbed a random quest and headed for a big farming area on the outskirts of town.
It was the rainy season, and while in Japan that brings out cute little toads, around here it meant something much more dangerous.
“Deadeye! Deadeye, Deadeye, Deadeye! …This isn’t working. I can’t damage it with my arrows. Its skin is too tough!”
“Swords and arrows won’t work against an Adamantropod! Just try to slow it down with magic, Kazuma! Help protect the fields from that thing until Little Miss Jailbait gets her magic ready!”
“Hey! Exactly whom do you think you’re referring to as jailbait?!”
Dust, Megumin, and I were out in the fields along with several other adventurers who had taken the same quest to get rid of these pests. The rainy season brought a pestilence of Giant Snails, which liked to eat the crops—and then there were these Adamantropods.
Behind us, at that moment…
“Hey! One of those summer bamboos got Joseph right in the ass! He’s wounded! He can’t work in the fields like this! Get him out of here!”
“A wild boar! It must think all this confusion is its chance, because it and other crop eaters are showing up in droves!”
These shouts were coming from the farmers trying to harvest the crops.
Harvesting was a labor-intensive project in any world.
“Freeze! Freeze, Freeze! Freeze!!” I used ice magic to lower the Adamantropod’s body temperature and slow it down. It didn’t have the prefix adamant- in its name for nothing—not just its shell but its entire body was exceptionally tough. Buying us time like this was the most I could possibly do.
In the fields, Dust had already dispatched several monkeys and now stabbed another one with his sword, bracing himself with the hilt while he brought up the shield in his left hand.
A wild boar was about to charge, and Dust was getting ready to meet it.
“Come at meeeee!” Dust dropped into a low stance and ran forward, gripping the hilt of his sword even tighter. If anyone could face down a wild boar without flinching, it would be him. He had survived a violent attack by a hydra, after all.
But that would be a lot to expect, even from Dust. The boar, as big as a cow, went charging straight at him…
“Gwah?!”
The monster’s attack flung him through the air. The pig, however, wasn’t unscathed from its collision with Dust and his full suit of metal armor; it tottered around, dazed, and stopped charging. I went over to the boar and cut it down with my sword. I had managed to defeat the creature without actually having to fight it. I took a look back to see how things were going.
Monkeys had gotten past the defensive efforts of several adventurers and into the fields. Damn! I temporarily ignored Dust, still blinking from his encounter with the boar, and started sniping monkeys with my arrows.
“Kazuma! I have finished chanting my Explosion spell!” Megumin called.
I pointed at the retreating band of monkeys and said, “Do it, Megumin! Blow ’em away!”
That prompted shouting from the other adventurers: “No! Wai—”
“Explosion!!!”
Megumin’s magic took out the monkeys, and the boar, and the Adamantropod. And all the fields, and all the crops, and all of us.
5
Threat eliminated, we headed back to the Guild. The reward was twenty thousand eris for each adventurer who participated. We were dealing with Adamantropods and some other pests—other than the wild boar, nothing life-threatening. Twenty thousand seemed like a pretty good deal…
For everyone else anyway.
“Right, then, Mr. Kazuma Satou, Miss Megumin, Mr. Dust. Five thousand eris each.”
Blowing away the crops took a chunk out of our reward. That was on me; I had given Megumin the order without thinking it through.
I apologized, but Dust said to me, “Hey, it happens. At least this’ll cover the booze for tonight. Don’t get all bent out of shape. Without the big boom, those monkeys would’ve gotten away, and we would’ve failed the whole quest!”
Then he laughed and immediately put his money toward the order of a nice cold mug.
“You know,” Megumin said, “given that neither Aqua nor Darkness was present, I think the three of us did quite well together. There weren’t too many other adventurers, either. I would have expected more participants in that quest.”
Megumin seemed happy enough that we had completed the quest successfully, but it still seemed like her mind was elsewhere. And I knew where: She was thinking about Darkness.
It wasn’t fair to compare Dust with Darkness, but if there was one thing that crazy masochist was good at, it was soaking up damage. Dust had done himself proud, getting rid of some of the monkeys and being an all-around decent front-row fighter, but still… Darkness might never have hit anything with her attacks, but she could have absorbed that boar’s charge without flinching. Again: not fair, I know, but I couldn’t help thinking about it.
Well, what was the point of comparing Dust and Darkness now? Dust was the one we had in our party, and we would just have to see how things went.
The day after we had acquired this provisional party member, the front door of our house flew open without so much as a knock, and a man came dashing in.
“I know I said yesterday that, since you had joined our party for the time being, you should stop by the house and I would formally introduce you to Aqua—but you don’t have to be in such a rush. What’s up?”
The new arrival, Dust, was still breathing hard as he said, “Kazuma, this is bad! You gotta help me! I’m begging you—come with me!”
This was the guy who had charged right in to finish off a hydra. Whatever had him this upset, it had to be big. I looked back at Megumin and Aqua. “I don’t know what this is about, but I’m going to find out.”
Then I left the mansion, Dust practically dragging me along.
As we went, Dust explained to me just what it was that was so terrible. When he finished, I suddenly stopped short.
“All right, hang on a minute. Let me get this straight. This awful situation you’re so worried about…is that Rin got a guy?”
“Yes! Surely you can see how serious this is?! But all Keith and Taylor had to say was, ‘Oh, huh’!”
Sorry, buddy, that’s…pretty much my reaction, too.
Dust, however, raised his fist and proclaimed, “My dear and treasured companion is getting all lovey-dovey with some dude from who knows where! Kazuma, wouldn’t you be worried if one of your good female friends took up with some weird guy?!”
I guess if I, you know, had any good female friends… And if she went and got a boyfriend…
“I sort of get what you’re saying. I think.”
“Right?! That’s my Kazuma; I knew you’d understand!”
Practically manic now, Dust went on with his story. From what he told me, Rin had grown colder and colder toward him recently. Suspicious, Dust had started tailing her twenty-four seven and had spotted her going to an inn with a guy he didn’t recognize.
“Y-y’know, you really need to stop with the—”
“And that means this no-account rando has turned Rin into his arm candy! I’m worried about my dear party member. I want to find out who this guy is. Please, Kazuma, I can’t count on the others. You’re the only one I can trust—please help me!” He put his palms together in supplication.
I stopped and thought. It wasn’t cool to interfere in other people’s love lives, but could I really pretend I didn’t know how he felt? If Darkness suddenly announced one day that she had a boyfriend, I would want to know who he was. Though, granted, that was because Darkness had…strange taste in guys.
“All right,” I said after a moment. “I don’t quite feel right about it, but if I were in your place, I might want the same thing. I don’t think Rin is likely to get herself into any trouble, but we did go on an adventure together once. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to know what kind of guy she’s involved with.”
“Yeah! I knew I could tell you, Kazuma! I knew I could count on you!”
I resumed walking down the street, slightly worried about Dust. In my mind, Rin overlapped with Darkness. I hadn’t heard from her in so long.
Dust guided us to a small, tidy inn. It didn’t look like the sort of place where you would normally find adventurers—more like a little hideaway for couples.
“This is it, Kazuma. This is where that walking pile of vomit brought Rin—like she was his toy!”
Hey, let’s not be too hasty to pass judgment here…
Dust leaped to his feet. I started to worry that he might do something rash.
“So what have you got in mind?” I asked. “I assume you’re not planning to just march right into the guy’s room or anything, right?”
Dust grinned at me. “How long do you think I’ve been an adventurer? You want to survive in this business, you have to be prepared. I know exactly which room he’s staying in, and I’ve already booked us the one next door.”
Wh-whoa, now.
I had a mounting feeling that it might be best just to turn Dust in to the police right now, but he was already opening the door to the inn. I had no choice but to follow him. If he put this sort of persistence and initiative into his adventuring, he could probably achieve a lot more than he had…
The interior of the inn was done in the most basic possible style. On the first floor was a dining area, and on the second floor were the rooms. The owner saw us but didn’t try to stop us; he just yawned in disinterest. Maybe it was because Dust had already made the arrangements.
Dust made a beeline for the second floor and finally came to a halt in front of one of the rooms.
“All right, this is it. The walls are thin here, so keep your voice down, okay? Rin should already be in the room next door. She’s got sharp ears, so we have to be careful she doesn’t hear us.”
I nodded my understanding and followed Dust into the room. The furnishings were simple: a bed, a table, and a small dresser. Dust closed the door gently and then put his ear to the wall. I copied him, unable to shake the feeling that I was doing something I shouldn’t be.
I heard a familiar girl’s voice from the next room.
“I know, but… Having me do it would be really…”
That was Rin, no question. But it didn’t sound like she was having a very good time.
“Rin, sweetheart, I know what I’m asking isn’t easy. I know it would normally be taboo. But I can’t help the love I feel!”
“C-calm down! You… You need to think this through. Nobles don’t get involved with adventurers. That would be trouble enough…”
So he was an aristocrat. Rin could marry up! But from the way she was talking, it didn’t sound like she was very excited at the prospect.
An adventurer and a son of the nobility. Normally, they would never even have seen each other on the street. That Darkness and I had ended up in a party together was the exception, not the rule.
As all this went through my head, the conversation on the other side of the wall continued.
“Rin, my dear! I’m painfully aware that the difference in status might make my feelings impossible to accept. And I know there are even greater obstacles to contend with. But at least… At least use this magic camera—this very expensive magic camera—to take a picture!”
“I said c-c-c-c-calm down! Take it easy already! Let’s be rational!”
The conversation so far was enough to give us the gist of the situation. Some young noble had fallen head over heels for Rin, but the social distance between them was too great for them to be together. But what was this about “at least take a picture”? This guy didn’t sound so bad.
“How can I?! How can I be rational when there is one who inflames me so?!”
“Look, just relax! Chill out! H-how about we go downstairs and have a little something to eat? To calm our nerves, okay?”
…All right. Maybe he wasn’t the best guy in the world.
Beside me, Dust stood up with fire in his eyes.
“’Scuse me. I’m gonna beat the crap outta this guy.”
“Hold on, don’t do that! It’s too soon!”
I somehow managed to restrain him. A moment later, we heard the door to the next room open, then shut again. They must have gone down to the first floor to eat.
Dust didn’t say anything, but a nasty smile came over his face.
6
“Look at this, Kazuma! Clothes all over the floor! And fancy ones, too—he’s a noble, all right!”
I had followed Dust directly into the other room. Now I was watching him turn the place inside out and fighting an increasing desire to put my head in my hands.
This time we’ve really gone too far.
Now we had added breaking and entering to the list of our crimes.
“All right, then. Let’s see what that pampered prat’s got in his— Hey! What’s this?!”
I should really stop this.
I didn’t want to compound my guilt with theft.
Dust had opened a dresser drawer and was looking into it in surprise. I had just placed a hand on his shoulder when—
“Look at this, Kazuma! Just look at this lacy red lingerie! That bastard was gonna force Rin to wear this and then take her picture! How perverse! How thoroughly prepared! Well, I’ll show him what we do with crap like this!”
Then, without a moment’s hesitation, he stripped naked and put on the lacy underwear himself.
No matter how perverted that noble might be, right at that moment, Dust was definitely worse.
“Okay, Kazuma! Grab that expensive-looking magic camera there and take a shot of me! We’ll fill his precious film with boudoir photography of yours truly. Even if he did get a shot of Rin, this stuff’ll make the whole experience so traumatic he’ll never forget it!”
I have no idea what to say to this.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed, I did as I was told and picked up the camera. The construction looked fairly simple, but I could definitely feel a powerful magic within it. The object I was holding was probably worth as much as a house, and I was about to do the stupidest possible thing with it.
Dust stood there naked with his arms crossed, doing a backbend without even using his hands. He may have been a pervert, but he was also pretty built; he used his neck to support himself, forming a perfect arch with his toned body.
“Right! Do it, Kazuma! Now posterity can enjoy this beautiful body of mine!”
I lost track of how many photos I took. Dust smiled toothily into the camera from every angle: with me on the table looking down at him, from the floor looking up at him. We put that camera through its paces. Pretend to be an eagle. Pretend to be a cougar. Pretend to be an artist thinking hard about his next piece.
“Good stuff, Dust, keep it up! You’re on fire, baby! That’s it for the graceful beauty stuff—let’s go for sexy beast next! Steeple your fingers and stick your butt out this way!”
Dust put his thumbs together as if he’d been a bad little boy and shoved his behind with those red panties in my direction. I hit the shutter a few times and then said, “That’s the ticket! Cool’s the word now! Legs wide, hips down, and hands—yes, that’s it, just like that!”
He had adopted a sort of sumo-wrestler pose, his right hand stuck straight out in front of him. Wearing his most intense expression, he shouted the line I had taught him:
“Hakkeyoi!”
We were laughing so hard we were crying, clutching our sides. We could hardly take any more. We were rolling on the ground, slapping the floor in our mirth.
Thunk.
That was the sound of Rin standing in the open doorway, dropping her staff from sheer shock.
7
“So what’s the story here?” Rin was asking. “I already know Dust is stupid enough to do something like this, but you, Kazuma?”
We were kneeling in front of Rin and the young nobleman.
““We’re very sorry,”” we chorused.
We had gotten careless. It was like some weird switch had been flipped and we’d gotten completely caught up in taking ridiculous photos.
The pathetic sight of us was enough to provoke a long, deep sigh from Rin. The look she gave Dust was almost painful. Actually, so was seeing Dust in those red panties. I wished he would at least change his underwear.
“Gah,” she said. “And here I was so worried about you. Do whatever you want with him; I won’t stop you. Come on, Kazuma, let’s go.” Rin looked profoundly tired, but she held out a hand to me.
“Uh… Are you sure? Should we really leave those two together? Might turn into some real trouble…”
Rin took my hand and half dragged me outside.
“Don’t worry about it. I certainly won’t.”
She shut the door with her free hand as we came out into the hall. We could still hear the voices of the two men still inside.
“Mr. Dust, you must understand that finding you in my room in such an outfit…”
“Oh? Yeah, I busted in. What are you gonna do, cry about it?”
It sounded like Dust was done being shaken and apologetic. Did he even understand what he looked like at that moment?
“Hey, Rin. Shouldn’t you stop him? Something’s gonna happen.”
Rin, however, looked at me with tired eyes and shook her head in resignation. “Maybe he’ll do something; maybe he’ll have something done to him. I tried, Kazuma. I really tried. But then I open the door and there’s that moron standing there, dressed like that… He’s like a lobster who throws himself into the pot and closes the lid. There’s nothing else I can do.”
…?
Now, this was strange. I had the feeling we were talking past each other.
“O-obviously I’m not going to complain, Dust. Dust… Oh! Oh, Dust! Ahh, this is so…exciting! Rin told me to give up, but here you are… Thank the goddess I joined the Axis Church and kept praying and praying! There really is a deity in heaven!”
“I don’t know what you’re so thrilled about, but if you think I’m intimidated just because you’re nobility, you’re wrong. I’m totally used to being with kings or nobles or whoever. We’re just two guys here, no more, no less. We clear on that?”
“Y-you mean you won’t pay any heed to my status?! That here, we are simply two men?! Ahh… Ahhh! O Lady Aqua, I thank you for this most wonderful day!”
Rin and I left the inn without waiting to hear another word.
“So what were you two doing in a place like that anyway?” Rin asked, perplexed, as we came outside.
For a moment, I pondered whether to tell the truth, but then said, “Well, actually…”
I told her everything that had happened, emphasizing that Dust was genuinely worried about her.
The result was that Rin ended up laughing so hard she couldn’t breathe.
“Ah— Ah-ha-ha—! Th-that buffoon! There’s something wrong with the both of you! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!”
Believe me, I agree completely.
Frankly, I would never normally have gotten involved in something like this, but somehow Rin and Darkness just ran together in my mind…
Rin wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes, but her shoulders were still shaking as she said:
“Sigh… You see, that nobleman? It’s Dust he’s really interested in.”
At that, time stood still.
“……What?”
What had she just said?
“I told you: That nobleman came to me because he is in love with Dust and didn’t know what to do. He understood that Dust wouldn’t want to be with him, and he hoped I could at least take Dust’s picture for him.”
Then we heard it:
“Eeeeeeeeyyaaaaahhhhhhhh!”
A scream from Dust unlike any I had ever heard before, a sound like a dying bird from the second floor.
I had been considering Dust a temporary member of our party, but maybe it would be best to forget about that for a while. I walked along with Rin, trying to tell myself that nothing had happened today. I was exhausted; I just wanted to go home and take a nap.
I was trying to force my way through the mental haze to review my plans for the day when Rin said nonchalantly, “You know, that noble guy reminded me of something—it turns out our sweet Lalatina is a noble herself. I just found out recently. I had no idea!”
“That’s some serious sleuthing. Who did you hear it from?” I asked.
Rin said only, “Everyone in town is talking about it. You know—how Lalatina is the daughter of the Dustiness family? How she’s going to marry the local lord Alderp any day now?”
…………
“Details, please.”
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