Epilogue 1 — Welcome Home!
It was the morning of the day after we had absconded from the church with Darkness.
“That lord went missing?”
Darkness came by the mansion as soon as the sun was up, and I could hardly believe what she told me. Why would that old bastard, who wouldn’t shut up about his “Lalatina! Lalatinaaaa!” suddenly just disappear?
“His household staff swear they searched everywhere, but they couldn’t find a trace of him,” Darkness said.
I looked at her, puzzled. I had been sure the old man’s personal army was going to show up at my door this morning.
“Plus, for some reason, people have been discovering likely evidence of his wrongdoings all morning. It looks like he was even the one who sent that body-swapping divine item to Princess Iris. People are speculating that he ran off somewhere when he realized he couldn’t hide the evidence anymore.”
That makes sense…
“…Meaning you won’t need to flee in the middle of the night, so put those things down,” Darkness said with some exasperation.
I set down the luggage I had strapped to my back. Behind me, Megumin and Aqua did the same. We had been getting ready to go to ground in some distant field for a while until things cooled off here.
“Well, that’s good, I guess. Anyway, what are you doing out there, Darkness? Hurry up and come inside.” She was standing just beyond the front door, making no move to come in.
Darkness, however, did nothing of the sort; she only stood there looking troubled.
“What’s wrong, Darkness? Is anything the matter?” Megumin asked.
“Oh!” Aqua exclaimed. “I get it! Megumin, you got to the ceremony late, so you don’t know! Just listen to this! Darkness ended up getting bought by Kazuma! He paid off her entire debt. He was all, You belong to me now! and I’m gonna make you pay me back with your body! Darkness doesn’t want to come inside because she’s afraid of what Kazuma might do to her. Aren’t you, Darkness?”
“…Huh?”
“H-hey, let’s talk this out. You’ve got this all wrong. Well, not wrong exactly, but—not right, either! I don’t like the way you told that story!”
Megumin’s red eyes were flashing, and she was looking at me the way one might look at a bit of dirt.
Darkness, however, shook her head. “…No, that’s not it. It’s true, Kazuma told me in front of all those people to pay with my body and called me a perverted Crusader…”
Erk… Megumin was starting to chant her magic…
But then Darkness abruptly bowed her head. “I’m sorry. I acted selfishly and caused problems for all of you as a result. Even I know I was an idiot this time. Please, forgive me…!”
Aqua and Megumin hurried over to Darkness.
“It’s all right! You came back to us, and that’s what matters. As far as I’m concerned, it’s water under the bridge. Kazuma may have lost most of his net worth, but he’ll stop working the moment he gets a bit of pocket money. All’s well that ends well,” Megumin said.
“That’s right,” Aqua added. “In fact, if this hadn’t happened, I would never have gone to your house. And then we would never have known about the curse on your dad! …Hey, we have to find out who cursed him to begin with! Personally, I suspect that masked demon did it. In fact, with my unclouded vision, I’m certain of it! We should go thank him…!”
The two girls showered Darkness with reassurances, but she was looking straight at me.
“I owe you a great debt, Kazuma,” she said. “You said you gave up everything to get that money. I can’t promise it will happen immediately, but I’ll arrange for the state to compensate you for what you paid. When my father is fully recovered, I expect you’ll be repaid out of the assets reclaimed from Alderp. However…” Her face clouded. “…We won’t be able to get back the intellectual property rights you sold. I know you were intending to live a safe life as a businessman, but…”
Was that what she was worried about?
“What, that?” I said. “Forget about it. I have the Cooking skill, so I can open a street stall or something. Make food from my home country, save up a little change… Hey, hold on a second. I’m going to get my money back?” Now she had my complete attention.
“Yes, you will. All two billion eris you spent on my behalf. As well as the compensation for the lord’s mansion and the money for the destroyed buildings. You incurred those debts protecting this town, after all. The lord should have disbursed the money to the people.” She paused. “But now that I think about it… Why did I accept his excuses so readily? Why did I just pay him the money? It’s almost like I was…hypnotized or something. And why has all the evidence of his crimes come to light so suddenly…?”
She couldn’t quite seem to figure it out. But who cared?
Who cared?!
“T-two billion…?”
Hip hip hooray! I would never have to work another day in my life!
Wait… Hang on just one second. There’s twenty-four hours in a day. And that service runs five thousand eris for three hours. With two billion eris, I could just live in my own personal dream world for the rest of my life…
As I stood there imagining the possibilities, Megumin and Aqua closed in on me.
“Say, Kazuma,” Aqua began, “you’re looking very— Yes! Exceedingly heroic today. So cool. Ahem, Kazuma, Emperor Zel needs a top-quality house to live in!”
“Indeed, very heroic and cool. You know I’ve always thought you were cool, Kazuma. On that note, I would love a magical item that increases the destructive power of my spells.”
“Hey! You money-grubbing— You get one whiff of cash and look what happens…! Darkness, what’s wrong?” She was watching the three of us, but she still hadn’t moved from her place near the front door.
“Geez, come on already,” I said. “So you’ve been secretly cleaning up our messes, right? I know that yesterday I got all angry about you doing that without ever telling me, but the truth is, it made me a little happy, too. And now I’ve repaid that debt. Plus, I’m going to get all my money back. So it’s basically as if nothing at all happened yesterday, right?”
Frankly, with the amount of money that was coming to me, I could overlook a lot of little things. Given how much I had been cooped up in the house lately, I was ready to rent the best room in town; schedule some sweet, sweet dreams; and get out of here for about a week.
Darkness, however, seemed bothered when I mentioned “nothing at all.”
“Does that mean… You take back saying you bought me, too?”
Aqua and Megumin, who had been cozied up trying to get some cash, were suddenly glaring at me from inches away.
…C-c’mon, stop that.
“Sure, strike it! Let’s all agree to forget everything that happened yesterday!”
But that just made Darkness look even more depressed.
…Huh? Was there a chance she had actually wanted to belong to me? Was this some kind of twisted reverse confession of love?
She seemed to have something else in mind, though (sadly). Looking at the ground, nearly crying, Darkness said, “About… About that letter I wrote. The one asking you guys to count me out of your party…”
Ah. So that was it. She still felt she had removed herself from our group. And if we said yesterday hadn’t happened, that would mean I never made that remark about her paying me back with her body as a Crusader…
So much for my hopes of a confession.
“What are you saying? You are our precious Crusader, Darkness. How could we ever let you go?” Megumin asked.
“She’s right, what a ridiculous thing to worry about. You sure can be dumb sometimes, Darkness. Anyway, where else would you go?” Aqua added.
…Shoot. They beat me to the punch.
Darkness laced her fingers in front of her chest and looked at me, distinctly uneasy. I guess she couldn’t relax until she heard it directly from me.
But just as I was about to open my mouth, Darkness burst out, “I-I’m a—! I’m a poor excuse for a Crusader! My attacks never hit, and my toughness is my only redeeming quality! B-but do you think…? Could you find it in your heart to let me join this party again?”
I gave the stuttering, nervous Darkness a rueful smile. “How could I not?” I said. “Welcome home.”
“I-I’m home!” Darkness exclaimed.
Tears filled her eyes, a relieved smile blossomed on her face, and—
“Hey, Kazuma. Aren’t you a little disappointed by the way this turned out? When you said Darkness would have to repay you with her body, are you sure you didn’t have at least a little bit of naughtiness in mind?”
Aqua, whose only distinguishing trait seemed to be her inability to read a mood, had a hand to her mouth, covering a big grin.
…What in the hell was she on about?
“Come to think of it, he announced Darkness was his property in front of all those people. What was that supposed to be? Some kind of declaration of love? Remember when Yunyun suggested they should have kids? And how easily he got close to Iris in the capital? And now this. How easily his affections change! He tried to get his hands on me when we were sleeping together at Crimson Magic Village—but look how fickle he turns out to be. You need to pull yourself together.”
Even Megumin was getting in on it, looking a bit put out. What was she blathering about now? What was she, jealous? Do us all a favor and be clear yourself. I wished they would all be more obvious. Easy-to-understand, one-note characters like in a harem anime.
That was when I noticed that Darkness looked…strange. She didn’t look fidgety and scared anymore; instead, she was stealing these little glances at Megumin and me as we stood fighting like an old married couple.
“…N-now that you mention it, when Kazuma broke into my house the other day, we very nearly crossed the final frontier…”
““Whaaaat?!””
Why would she say something like that when she was so obviously embarrassed about it? Aqua and Megumin were both shocked.
“H-hey, stop that…,” I said weakly. “Seriously, stop. I mean…we didn’t, did we? In the end?”
““You mean you almost did?!”” Aqua and Megumin exclaimed.
I was just digging my own grave here…
“Hey, Kazuma, just how much of an idiot are you? What were you doing while Megumin and I were working so hard to get Darkness back?”
“Kazuma, do you mean to say you didn’t go to bring her back at all but to have yourself a little tryst?! Just when I think my opinion of you can’t get any lower! What in the world did you do?!”
Hey, hold on. It was one thing when I played my little joke on Megumin back at Crimson Magic Village, but this time I didn’t do anything wrong!
Darkness, sounding a little bashful, said, “Tryst is such a strong word. All he did was force his way into my room in the middle of the night, cover my mouth before I could scream, shove me onto the bed, hold me down while I struggled…and then touch my stomach as I lay there fighting and nearly naked. But that’s it!”
““Wha—?!””
“Wait just a dang second! I mean—that’s true! That’s all true, but—!”
““?!””
Megumin and Aqua backed away from me.
“It’s never been any secret that you had a sexual interest in Darkness, but I never imagined you were the type to just cop a feel the moment you got a chance,” Megumin said. “I believed you were a terrible but surprisingly loyal and sometimes upright person. So what about when we were together? You didn’t have any interest in me, did you? You just wanted to do it! As long as a woman was sleeping next to you, you wouldn’t care who she was!”
I wished she would take a breath. Otherwise it seemed like she wasn’t going to stop talking until my reputation was completely in tatters. But as I tried to break in enough to defend myself, Aqua joined the attack.
“No kidding! Back when Kazuma and I were still sleeping in the stable together, this animal kept watching like a hawk for any opportunity to take advantage of me!”
“Now, that is categorically not true.”
“Why not?!”
Aqua was weeping and trying to strangle me. I put a hand against her face to hold her back. Darkness, embarrassed though she was, couldn’t avoid a hint of a triumphant smirk. Apparently, this was her way of getting me back for impersonating her the night I broke in.
Her arms were crossed and she seemed to enjoy seeing me beset by my accusers. There was only one thing to say…
“You were the one who suggested we ‘become adults together…’”
I didn’t even shout it; I just muttered.
““!!””
“I d-d-d-d-did not! I just figured, since I was going to be that lord’s wife anyway, there was no reason not to—”
“She admitted it!” Aqua exclaimed. “Darkness admitted that she was the one who started it! Goodness gracious me! …Welp, I think the polite thing would be to make myself scarce. I’m going to take Emperor Zel’s egg to the park for some sunbathing.”
“Darkness! I am shocked to discover what a slut you are! You play the tragic heroine but secretly crave sex… It was my mistake to worry about you!”
“Wait just a— N-no, no, really, wait! Waaaaiiit!”
Darkness, the end of Megumin’s staff shoved uncomfortably against her cheek, gave me a withering look. Apparently, she wasn’t through yet.
I grabbed Aqua before she could head out the door with her precious egg. Then I said the thing that I hadn’t intended to reveal until Darkness had calmed down a bit.
“…Say, Aqua. I’ve been wondering. How’s marriage work around here? Who joins whose family?”
To the untrained ear, it sounded like I was launching into a completely new subject.
“Well, that’s all very sudden, Kazuma,” Aqua said. “On the morning of the day of the ceremony, you submit some paperwork to the city hall affirming that you’ve become man and wife. And then in the afternoon, you have…the…ceremony…”
She seemed to realize what I was saying. So did Megumin, who suddenly looked very disturbed.
“…? What’s going on?” Only the sheltered noblewoman remained oblivious.
Megumin, as if to play along, said, “I—I guess divorcées aren’t so rare nowadays… Yes, it’ll be fine!”
At last, Darkness put two and two together, and she looked up with a start.
She was nobility but also a total perverted masochist; she was a virgin and yet also divorced. How many layers did she think she could pile on, here?
“Wait… So… What happens now? Darkness was abducted halfway through the ceremony. And her husband ran away that very night. I guess everyone will assume he got rid of her.” Aqua’s words, guileless as ever, caused Darkness to tremble.
She looked me full in the face, hesitant, anxious…
“Well, we can pretend the paperwork doesn’t exist, so don’t worry about it…………Divorce-ness.”
Darkness spun on her heel and dashed off, crying.
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