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Chapter 2 

May There Be a Master for This Sacred Armor! 

 

Summer sunlight seeped in between the thick curtains. 

I was just pulling the covers up over my head to block out the light when there came a frantic pounding on the door. 

“Hey, Kazuma, how long are you going to sleep?! You have clothes on, right? You’re not doing anything weird, are you? You aren’t, are you? I’m coming in! …What the heck?! It’s so cold in here!” 

First thing in the morning, and Aqua was already full of it. She started shouting the moment she came into my room. 

I stuck my head out from under the covers. “Man, it’s too early for this much noise. And shut the door, will you? You’ll let the cold out.” 

“I know we’ve been through this before, but it’s already noon. Seriously, though, why is this room freezing? Are you hiding a wild General Winter in your closet? We’ve already got Chomusuke and Emperor Zel here, so we don’t need any more pets, okay?” 

“Why would I keep such an obnoxious thing in my room? Look around. See the buckets in each corner? There’s ice in them.” 

Aqua looked into the buckets with sudden interest. “How’d you get ice in the middle of summer? I want ice, too. It’s so hard to sleep sometimes.” 

“You remember how Wiz was blabbering about buying up all that top-quality manatite? It gave me an idea. I used a portion of my moderate wealth to buy a bunch of cheap manatite, and then I made a ton of ice using Freeze. It may be a summer day, but I can nap under the covers in a nice, cold room. I can’t imagine anything more luxurious than this.” 

Aqua looked at me with the covers up to my neck with a touch of envy. “You, my dear Kazuma, are the smartest person I know when it comes to totally wasting both magic and money… But it does seem like tonight is gonna be another scorcher. Do you think you could make me some ice this evening, too?” 

“Sure, I don’t mind, but what gives? Weren’t you going to go to the Axis Church building today?” 

After badgering Chris into helping her yesterday, Aqua had been all excited about going to church today to rally her followers. 

“As someone who isn’t venerated by anyone, Kazuma, you clearly would not understand, but it’s a little embarrassing to go to your own followers and tell them you’re going to have a festival to praise yourself. I plan to bring someone along who can casually propose the idea to everyone else.” 

She reached a hand into one of the buckets, stirring the ice with a look of relief. 

“Maybe you haven’t noticed how single-lady adventurers and the receptionist girls have been oddly attracted to me ever since I came into all that money,” I said. “What a weird thing for you of all people to get hung up on anyway. You normally just demand whatever you want without a thought to spare for anyone around you. I told you yesterday: I’m not going to help you. And I don’t want anything to do with any Axis disciples. Get Megumin or Darkness to go with you.” 

“I tried crying to Darkness over and over, but she keeps insisting she’s busy being governor. And Megumin said she’s going to go see a friend today and doesn’t have time to play with me.” 

As she talked, Aqua hefted the bucket of ice and brought it over toward me… 

“Hey, what do you think you’re doing with that? I’m not going! I have no desire to go outside in this heat. H-hey, stop that! What do you think you’re doing to my bed? I just dried out this futon; don’t get it wet again! If you get my bed wet, I swear I’ll— Fine! Fine, I’ll go with you; just put down the bucket!” 

A small building on the outskirts of Axel. 

“This is it,” Aqua said. “I know it doesn’t look like much, but I think that’s perfect for expressing the humility of the Axis Church.” 

“It looks like a strong wind might blow it over,” I said. 

Aqua and I had arrived at the local Axis Church building. Come to think of it, in all the time I had been living in this town, I had never been here before. 

“Hey, who is it who runs this place anyway? We’re not going to run into any more crazies, are we? I’m sick of ‘characters.’ If anyone weird shows up, I’m going home.” 

“You don’t have to worry. All the children of the Axis Church are wonderful people. But I haven’t met the head of this particular church yet. I hear someone new took over just recently…” 

As she spoke, Aqua put her hand on the door… 

“Here, is this all right? Take a good look… Argh, I hope this is the last of these things that you want from me.” 

…when we heard a man’s voice from inside, and we froze. 

These things? 

“…Indeed. I knew I was right to ask you—this is top class, perfect. Don’t worry—I know how to handle it. I won’t be in any danger. And it’s only for my own personal amusement anyway.” 

The second voice was that of a woman. Aqua and I looked at each other. 

“That’s all well and good, then. But don’t enjoy it too much. It kills people every year—be careful.” 

It sounded like we had wandered into the middle of something serious. Surely the Axis Church wasn’t involved in the black market, was it…?! 

Huh… Actually, it wouldn’t be that surprising. 

“Hey, Aqua, change of plans. Let’s go to the police.” 

“W-wait just a second! My children would never sully their hands with criminal activity! This has to be some kind of mistake—at least wait until we hear their side of the story!” 

“Your little gang of followers sexually harasses Eris disciples and does all sorts of ugly things to them. That’s a crime if there ever was one.” 

Whatever the case, this didn’t seem like a good place to be. If the people inside knew we had overheard them, they might try to silence us with extreme prejudice. 

I was just about to drag the uncooperative Aqua off by force when— 

“Goodness, you have not changed a bit. Are you that fond of this white powder?” 

That was Megumin’s voice. 

Aqua and I were shocked to suddenly hear one of our friends. What was Megumin doing in there? And had she just said something about white powder? 

Wait a second, if Megumin is part of such underhanded dealings, then… 

“Is this really such good stuff?” Megumin’s voice went on. “You recommended it to me as well once, and I’ve developed an interest in it.” 

Hold up. 

“Listen, lady, this may look like just white powder at first glance. But when you dissolve it in warm water…” 

No, wait, stop. 

I mean, we’re sure that’s Megumin in there, right? Not someone else who just happens to sound like her? 

Aqua and I were trying to decide whether to charge in there when we heard something we couldn’t ignore. 

“If you’re curious, why not try it? It’s okay, Miss Megumin; everyone’s scared the first time. But once you’ve experienced it, I’m sure you won’t be able to stop…” 

I kicked open the door. 

“—Hold it right there, you degenerate disciples!! I don’t know what you’re doing to my friend, but I’m gonna rip you a new one!” 

Inside was a man and a woman, both utterly shocked to see the door fly open. And— 

“K-Kazuma?! Why are you here…?! And Aqua too…?!” 

—between them was Megumin, looking equally surprised. 

“Forget why I’m here! Hey, you criminals, don’t move a muscle! I know I’m not much to look at, but I’m actually a famous adventurer around here, and if you try to resist, I’ll show you what I’m really made of!” 

My threat caused the woman—she looked like an Axis priestess—to tremble with the white powder in her hand. “W-wait! Yes, this is contraband, but I was the only one who was going to use it, so—” 

“As if I’d believe that! I just heard you offering some to my companion! Don’t play with me—what am I going to do if my friend gets any crazier than she already is?! I’m going to burn that awful stuff up with Kindle!” 

As I spoke, I held out my right hand; the priestess discreetly stuffed the powder back into a bag. 

Aqua rushed past me, shouting, “God Blow!!” 

And slammed her fist into the man, who hadn’t really been following what was going on. 

It caught him square in the solar plexus, and he crumpled to the ground without even a squeak. 

“Hey, what do you two think you’re doing?!” Megumin yelped. “Barging in here and—and causing chaos?!” 

I ignored her, facing the priestess with my fists raised. “Quiet, Megumin! Now listen to me, you crappy cleric! Where do you get off leading an innocent young girl down the path of evil?! I’m all about true gender equality—I don’t care if you’re a priest and a woman; I’ll still beat the crap out of you. You’ll pay for getting my friend involved in this awful stuff. Your goddess might not be willing to raise her followers right, but my ‘holy fist’ should be plenty for you.” 

Aqua grabbed hold of my arm to keep me from decking the priestess right then and there. “Hey, Kazuma, don’t jump to conclusions! I’m sure this young lady can offer some explanation! This guy here doesn’t look like an Axis disciple, so I was more than willing to pass judgment on him, but I can detect the aura of a pious Axis follower from this girl! Wait until we’ve heard what she has to say!” 

The priestess looked at Aqua, her eyes going wide. “Who are—?! …Ah, well, look at that… Heh-heh, I can’t do anything bad. Very well, I lose. Burn this stuff and hand me over to the police…” No sooner had she looked at Aqua than her shoulders went limp and she confessed her crime. 

“M-miss?!” Next to her, Megumin looked from me to the priestess and back, still totally confused. 

“If you’re not going to resist, then we won’t hurt you,” I said. “But we will need you to come with us to the police. You can make restitution for your crime there.” 

“Yes, I understand… Heh-heh— Miss Megumin, do you think you can still regard me so politely after seeing me this way? You needn’t look so worried. After I’ve paid for my crime, I’m sure we’ll see each other again… By evening today, if I had to guess…” 

A fleeting smile passed over her face. 

“…Evening today? What do you mean? You’re going away for a lot longer than that.” 

“What do you mean? Illegal possession of gelatinous slime is mostly punishable by a short lecture.” 

Gelatinous slime. 

“…What exactly does that slime do? Do you become an addict if you use it or turn to ash or—” 

“Nothing of the sort,” Megumin said. “Why would you ever imagine such terrible things would happen? Gelatinous slime is popular with old people and children because of how pleasant it is going down and the kind of wobbly quality it imparts to food.” 

That caused me to shut my mouth. 

“……Okay, hold on, but wait. Earlier, that guy was saying people die every year from it…” 

“A lot of people wolf it down without chewing thoroughly, and it gets stuck in their throat, choking them to death. Did you know it’s a popular gift for young wives to give their mothers-in-law on their birthdays?” 

…… 

“W-wait, okay. You guys said this stuff was illegal, and it’s a white powder and everything. So having it is a crime, right?” 

The priestess shook her head with a sad expression. “There was an incident in Arcanletia in which the Demon King’s army used gelatinous slime in an indiscriminate terror attack… It was terrible; every bath in town was turned into gelatinous slime. Ever since then, people have been researching this stuff, convinced that if the Demon King’s army used it, there must have been some reason—some nefarious side effect. Questions of safety have led to recommendations not to eat it…” 

Why would the Demon King’s army do a stupid thing like that? 

“But for me, there’s no substitute for gelatinous slime! So even though I know people will scold me for it, I just can’t stop…!” 

The priestess burst into tears. Personally, I was starting to think it was time to head home. 

“O pious Axis follower,” Aqua said, placing her hand on the priestess’s shoulder. “Remember thou the seventh of the Axis precepts.” 

The priestess looked up at her. “The seventh precept…? …! ‘Follower, do not practice self-denial. Drink when you wish to drink; eat when you wish to eat. You never know if that dish will still be available tomorrow…’” 

“Exactly. Do not practice self-denial. Be it the fried chicken on someone else’s plate, if you wish to eat it, then eat it. If you want to eat gelatinous slime, you must not deny yourself. Self-denial is like poison to the body.” 

“Ahh… Lady Aqua, thank you…!!” 

I took a few steps back from Aqua and the priestess and their weird thing going on, and I whispered to Megumin, who had come up beside me, “Hey, what’s with these two? Should we stop them? Or should we just quietly walk away?” 

“If I had to choose, I should certainly think the latter, but I believe this will all blow over shortly,” she said. “But more importantly, why are you both here? Aqua told me this morning there was somewhere she wanted me to go with her—is this the place she was talking about?” 

We tended to the collapsed merchant, then saw him off. Ignoring the weird little ongoing drama between Aqua and the priestess, I brought Megumin up to speed. 

“…And that is why you thought these people were about to get me involved in something terrible and came bursting through the door?” 

“Yeah, exactly. Sorry, though. That priestess is an acquaintance of yours, right? I think, uh, our misunderstanding caused her a lot of trouble.” 

I scratched my cheek apologetically, but Megumin just giggled. “It’s okay. It shows how much you care, right? ‘Hold it right there, you degenerate disciples!! I don’t know what you’re doing to my friend, but I’m gonna rip you a new one!’—wasn’t that what you said? Heh, yet another memorable Kazuma-ism.” 

“St-stoppit; forget it already. I was really desperate when I said that… Hey, stop grinning; I’ll grab you by those grinning cheeks.” 

Even my attempts at intimidation didn’t stop Megumin from smiling. 

…But it was a relief to know we’d made a fuss over nothing… 

“Aaaahhhh!” 

Suddenly, a mood-killing groan echoed through the church. It came from the priestess Aqua had been comforting until just then. 

“What the hell is that—?! What’s with this guy?! Miss Megumin smiles at him and he just pretends he doesn’t like it that much, like a total tsundere! And you, Miss Megumin, you look totally ridiculous, teasing to hide your affection! Ahhh, Miss Megumin, you’re so adorable! Can I give you a big hug?! Just one!” 

“St-stop that, please. Ahem, I haven’t introduced you three yet, have I?” Megumin backed away from the arm-flailing priestess and turned to us. “Kazuma, Aqua, allow me to introduce Miss Cecily. She’s the head of this church. Er, she’s my…” 

“Big sister.” 

“Please do not lie so readily! She, um, has been very helpful to me in the past…” 

I wondered what the story was with this Cecily woman. She was very attractive, but I sensed the same good-for-nothing aura from her that I did from all my party members. 

At length, Cecily turned to Aqua and bowed her head. “Please allow me to introduce myself properly… Lady Aqua, whom I have the pleasure of meeting for the very first time. Father Zesta, the highest-ranking person in the church hierarchy, informed us about you. My name is Cecily. If there is anything I can do for you, please ask, whatever it may be.” Then she gave Aqua the sort of smile you normally reserved for the person you loved most in the world. 

“Ooh, anything, you say? So if I said my socks have holes in them and I want you to buy me some new ones, you would do it?” 

“Of course, Lady Aqua! I would even remove your honorable socks for you if you wished… Hey! What do you think you’re doing? You can’t grab a girl just because she’s pretty!” 

 

I was pulling the jabbering Cecily over to one corner of the church. 

“Look, don’t let her walk all over you,” I said. “It’ll just go to her head. Say… You’re awfully subservient for someone meeting Aqua for the first time. Don’t tell me… Has the Axis Church caught on to who she really is?” 

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about. Lady Aqua is Lady Aqua. That person is the Arch-priest who saved our town. And just an Arch-priest, even though she has the same name as Our Lady. I came to this town as a servant of that Lady Aqua, in order to glorify her even with my eating and sleeping.” 

“Maybe you could do us a favor and go back to Arcanletia.” 

Still, her reaction shed some light on the situation. It seemed likely that the Axis Church had finally figured out who Aqua really was, and that rather than publicly celebrating her advent, they had decided to just quietly keep an eye on her. 

At the very least, it didn’t look like Cecily had any intention of doing Aqua or me any harm. 

…Then suddenly, Aqua, who had sidled up to me in the meantime, tugged on my sleeve. She kept glancing at me like she was eager to say something. I guessed this was the part where she wanted me to suggest holding an Aqua Festival because she was too embarrassed to say it herself. What a pain. 

“So, uh, you’re Megumin’s acquaintance Cecily, right?” 

“Yes, but you don’t have to refer to me so elaborately. You’re welcome to just call me Big Sis Cecily.” 

Geez. It suddenly felt like there was a second Aqua in the room. 

Beside me, the first Aqua was blinking rapidly as if to say, Quick, hurry up! Sheesh. 

“Er… Uh, you know the Eris Appreciation Festival is happening in this town pretty soon, right?” 

“Yes! You’re damn right I know! I’m well aware of those despicable Eris followers and their stupid festival that celebrates Eris without even acknowledging Our Lady Aqua!” Cecily took the bait and was off and running. “They do it in the summer. Well, what do you associate with summer? That’s right: the beach, the pool, and the Axis Church. And what do you associate with festivals? The Axis Church, obviously. We love parties and celebrations, and we especially love summer, and they choose this exact season to celebrate Eris and leave us out entirely! They’re practically begging for a fight. Even war! This means war!” 

Is this the only kind of person in the Axis Church? 

As for Aqua, Cecily’s little speech had caused her eyes to start glimmering. 

“So here’s what we’re gonna do,” Cecily went on. “Right this minute, I’m gonna go over to the Eris Church and smash their windows. They’ll get so angry, they’ll chase me back this way; then Megumin will make a dramatic entrance, give one of her cool introductions, and kick all their asses! Your job is to hide among the onlookers and mutter something pompous like ‘Looks like those evil Eris disciples have gotten their divine punishment…’ And as for you, Lady Aqua, you can just stay here, lounging about and drinking wine or something… All right, here we go!” 

“Yeah… You’re not going anywhere. Pointing out the negative aspects of that plan would be like shooting fish in a barrel! …And, you two, stop looking so eager!” 

Megumin was grinning over her given responsibility, while Aqua was all too happy to do her “job.” I ignored them both; I had to do something about this Axis follower. 

“That’s not what I had in mind. I was thinking, you know, some kind of competing Aqua Appreciation Festival.” 

“Hello, everyone. My name is Cecily, and I’m the head of the Axis Church in Axel Town. I have a request I’d like to make of you all.” 

“Please go home.” 

We were in Axel’s downtown district. There, every owner of every shop was busy getting ready for the Eris Appreciation Festival. 

“What?! After I came here and asked you so nicely?! …Aha, I see you’re trying to take advantage of this situation. I know just what you’ll say! ‘Hoo-hoo-hoo, oh, Miss Beautiful Axis Priestess, if you want us to listen to you, first show us how sincere you are!’ And then you’ll take my generous body, and…! Well, I won’t let you get away with this, you heathens! I’ll show you the power of an Axis disciple!” 

“Watch out—this girl is crazy! This is why no one wants anything to do with Axis followers— Stop, hold on! Somebody help!” 

Before my very eyes, Cecily was strangling the man who served as the president of the downtown district. 

“…Hey, Megumin, you’re her friend, aren’t you? Go stop her.” 

“We’re not friends; we are acquaintances. Please do not be confused on that point.” 

We’d come here only to get permission for our festival. Why did just having an Axis follower around always lead to a fight? 

I’d left Aqua at the church on the assumption that having two problem children along would keep the discussion from going anywhere, but it looked like one wasn’t much better. 

Megumin and I looked around the shopping district again. Staff at the various shops were busy preparing the goods they wanted to sell at the festival, as well as making what appeared to be streamers. 

The scene really brought back memories of Japanese culture festivals. I had been sent to this world just after my own culture festival concluded. I ended up not going to school on the day of, but if I had known I was going to end up in another world, maybe I would have. 

I think my class had decided to do a fried-noodle stand. 

I looked back at Cecily, who was still busy upbraiding the president. 

…Sure, they were Axis followers, but they just wanted to have a celebration. 

Thinking about Japan had made me a little sentimental, and I went over to try to stop Cecily from choking the guy to death. 

I had originally just kind of been dragged along here, but seeing all this gave me a very slight change of heart. 

“Okay, Cecily, that’s enough of that. It’s not getting us anywhere. Let me talk to him.” 

Cecily’s hands relaxed on the man’s windpipe. Through a fit of coughing, the president said, “I don’t care who talks to me or what they say; we won’t— Hmm? Are you perchance Mr. Satou, the exceedingly rich adventurer?” 

What was that, a new nickname? I mean, not that it wasn’t appropriate. 

Cecily seemed to calm down now that the president looked ready to talk; she straightened her disheveled clothes, clasped her hands as if in prayer, and gave the man a beseeching look. 

“We were thinking,” she said, “about the annual Eris Appreciation Festival. We would like it to be changed to an Aqua Appreciation Festival—” 

“Go home.” 

“…! …!!” 

“You’re just going to get in the way! Come over here with me, Sis,” Megumin said, dragging Cecily off before she could attack the president again. 

He looked thoroughly intimidated as I whispered to him, “I’m really sorry about the trouble my companion is causing… Although we did come here in connection with what she’s talking about.” 

“You mean the Aqua Appreciation Festival that insane Axis girl mentioned? Impossible—what do you suppose the Eris followers would think about a decision like that?” 

I could see he wasn’t biting. I continued whispering. “No, no, we won’t ask you to do anything as outrageous as changing the festival—no matter what she says. We just want the two festivals to run in tandem. Call it the Eris and Aqua Appreciation Festival, and we’ll be happy.” 

The president didn’t look entirely convinced. “You know I can’t approve such a thing. I can’t see any benefit to it, and I see a lot of potential to cause trouble…” 

“I know the Eris Appreciation Festival needs the cooperation of everyone in the merchants’ quarter,” I commented, as if the idea had just occurred to me, “and it makes a fair amount of money each year, doesn’t it?” I spoke as casually as I could. 

“Well, I would be lying if I said we didn’t see a certain amount of profit. But over the last several years, increased activity from the Demon King’s army has caused us to come up a little short… What’s your point?” 

Ah yes, indeed. 

“Eris followers and Axis followers,” I said. “I know they don’t usually get along. But even so, the Axis Church is just showing their veneration… Now, what if they were to work together to make this festival happen? That Axis brigade loves a celebration, and I’m sure they’d come up with something big. And I can’t think the Eris Church would let themselves be outdone.” 

“…Tell me more,” the president said, leaning in. 

“We pit them against each other. Fan their mutual hostility to make this festival bigger and bigger. And of course, a rising tide lifts all boats.” 

The president rubbed his chin thoughtfully, looking serious. But I wasn’t done enumerating the advantages. 

“…There’s one more thing. Where does the funding for the festival come from each year?” 

“The funding? The Eris Church covers the majority of it, with the nobles and us merchants making up the difference…” 

I leaned in like the president was doing and said, “If the Axis Church is so eager to participate, why not get them to contribute, too? The two religious organizations between them could fund the entire cost of the festival.” 

“…Yes, let’s do it; let’s absolutely do it! Ah, now I see how someone as young as you got so rich, Mr. Satou. I would love to ask you to be the adviser for this festival. Not for free, of course…” 

Ooh, I hadn’t been expecting that. 

I wasn’t exactly hurting for money, but I wasn’t going to pass up such a tasty opportunity. 

“I would love to, if you’ll have me. I’ll give you my best ideas—now let’s go make some easy money.” 

“Ah, what a wonderful proposition you’ve brought me!” 

We started laughing so suddenly that people turned to look at us. Somewhere in the background, I heard two voices whispering: 

“Should we really be trusting him to handle this?” 

“Even your ‘big sister’ is starting to feel a little anxious.” 

At the café that had quickly become my customary meeting spot with Chris, I reported to the thief everything that had happened. 

“—And so that’s what we’re going to do.” 

“But whyyyyyy?! Why is that what you’re going to do?! I figured there was no way—how did my senior ever manage to convince the president of the shopping district to go along with this?!” Chris pounded the table, her voice loud enough to be heard all over the café. 

“Oh yeah, I had to work pretty hard to persuade him. But in the end, he was happy to do it.” 

“You persuaded him?!” 

I had my arms crossed and was nodding in appreciation of my own fine work; in contrast, Chris was weeping openly and very upset. 

“Why?! I know how much you hate having to put yourself out even the tiniest bit, so why would you get us into something as convoluted as this? The way things are going, I’ll have to forgo my own celebration to help with my senior’s festival. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!” 

“L-listen, why should you have to help? We can just say you’re backing out.” 

Chris had her head in her hands. “We can try, but… Somehow, when she asks me to do something, I always find myself pressured into it… Like the way I’m always expected to resurrect you these days…” 

“Er, and I’m, uh, very grateful for that, by the way… Anyway, just calm down. I swear there’s a good reason for all this.” 

I explained to the still-thoroughly-agitated Chris what I had discussed with the president, leaving out the parts about my being an adviser and there being an honorarium. 

“You see, all this anxiety over the Demon King’s army has made it hard for people to get excited for anything, even a festival. So I wondered what would happen if we brought in the Axis Church, which seems to love throwing parties. I hoped we could bring everyone just a moment’s relief from their fear, a chance to forget what was upsetting them.” 

“I guess I can’t really object when you put it like that, but…when did you start caring so much about the well-being of the townspeople?” 

“Goodness, what a thing to say to someone who’s defeated so many powerful enemies and even helped find a Sacred Treasure—I’m full of good deeds.” 

“S-sorry! That’s not what I…! Okay, I get it. Maybe I can play along. I don’t think my senior will go for anything all that crazy anyway… Will she?” 

“……So, uh, the whole cohosting thing is just an idea for this year. Knowing Aqua, she’ll probably be happy to do it this once, and next year everything can go back to normal.” 

“Hey, why aren’t you reassuring me about her craziness?! Is—is this gonna be okay…? And you said the Axis Church is better at parties. My festival isn’t gonna disappear next year, is it…? I—I mean, not that I’m begging to be celebrated, all right?” 

I understood that she was concerned about the future of her festival, but Chris was starting to sound almost as annoying as Aqua. Maybe all goddesses were this way. 

“Well, let’s table that for now. Have you found out where the Sacred Treasure is?” 

“Yeah, I’ve pinpointed the location. The only problem is, it’s a little dangerous. A noble named Undyne has it, but he’s got a reputation for collecting…weird things.” 

A noble who collected bizarre artifacts. 

Based on my experiences so far, I got the impression the nobility was composed entirely of freaks and weirdos. 

“If it’s a noble we’re dealing with, why not ask Darkness for help? She could pressure him to give the item to her family…” 

“That would never work. It sounds like Undyne obtained this item illegally, and I’m sure he’d play dumb. Among the nobility, he’s notorious for doing anything he has to in order to get what he wants. Even if Darkness tried to negotiate with him, I’m sure he would claim he didn’t know what she was talking about, and that would be the end of it.” 

My impression of nobles just kept getting better and better. 

Illegally? So maybe he stole it or maybe threatened someone into giving it to him. 

The upside was, that meant a more nefarious means of getting the item back was open to us. 

“I think I know what this means, Chief.” 

“I think you do, Lowly Assistant.” 

It was time to put on the mask again. 

I had a quick look at Undyne’s mansion, and on the way home, I mulled over how to break in to it. 

Aqua had gotten back before me, and when I arrived, I found her making a commotion. She was pounding on the door of the first-floor toilet. 

“Come on, Darkness! Please? When Kazuma gets home, I’ll help you yell at him! Please come out of the bathroom already! We can’t afford to let you shut yourself up in there! The toilet on the second floor is backed up—somebody didn’t clean it! Please come out of there! Come on, hurry!” 

Apparently, Darkness was holed up inside. 

“I’m back. Hey, what’s all this about? What are you going to yell at me for when I get home?” 

I saw Megumin slumped on the living room sofa; she must have gotten Aqua to take her out for her daily explosion. 

“Listen to me, you dumb NEET! Darkness came home practically crying because you’ve been spreading embarrassing secrets about her everywhere! ‘Miss Lalatina, is it true your abs are ripped?’ they ask! ‘Miss Lalatina, is it true your brand-new husband ran out on you?’ ‘Miss Lalatina, you’re so pretty; I’m sure even as an abandoned divorcée, you’ll find somebody.’ Every adventurer she meets teases her! Come on, Darkness—come on out! I’m sure you of all people will find another husband soon! I promise not to call you Divorce-ness anymore! Just please, please be happy again!” 

Was Aqua trying to get Darkness to come out of the bathroom or stay in there? She was so dense; I couldn’t tell. 

“Hey, Darkness,” I interrupted, “you’re gonna be in everyone’s way there, so come on out. Anyway, remember that when I broke into the Dustiness mansion and told you I was going to spread your embarrassing secrets around, you’re the one who said to do whatever. But look, I really am sorry, Lalatina.” 

There was a slam against the bathroom door. Apparently, Lalatina had given up crying and was now feeling very angry. 

She didn’t respond to Aqua’s wheedling and wouldn’t answer anything I said, either. 

It really was going to be a problem to have our only bathroom constantly occupied. 

“Look, I was wrong there, but so were you. I may have been looking for trouble, but you gave it to me. I apologize, so let’s bury the hatchet… I can pee while standing, so it doesn’t make much difference to me, but if you don’t come out soon, I think Aqua might not make it, so hurry up and be nice again.” 

“I told you: Goddesses don’t use the bathroom, so I absolutely will ‘make it’!” Aqua shouted, fidgeting. “It’s just that I’m responsible for cleaning the downstairs toilet! If Darkness doesn’t come out, I won’t be able to do my job! There’s absolutely no other reason for this! So come on out!” 

Much as I wanted to enjoy putting the screws to Aqua at that moment, cleaning the upstairs toilet was, as I recalled, my responsibility. I would hate for Aqua to point that out, so instead I made one final appeal to Darkness. 

“Listen up, Darkness. We’ve been around each other long enough for you to know me pretty well. If you really insist on not leaving the bathroom, believe me, this will end with you crying and apologizing and begging me to stop.” 

The immediate response to my words was a derisive snort from inside the bathroom. Then Darkness finally broke her silence and said, “You’ve known me long enough to know that I can turn even the worst experiences into pleasure. What, are you going to resort to your specialty—saying mean things about me? I’m holding your bathroom hostage. I can just plug my ears and ignore whatever you say, so you’re the one at a disadvantage here. House Dustiness outdoes all other families when it comes to endurance… Let’s go, then—let’s see who can last longer! Today is the day I stay in here until you call me Lady Dustiness and cry for me to forgive you!” 

……… 

At that, I went over to the heavy table in the middle of the living room and dragged it over so it was in front of the bathroom door. 

The bathroom was in a hallway right outside the living room. The table was just about as wide as that hallway, so by pulling it over there, I effectively blocked the bathroom door. 

I whispered something to Aqua, then walked away. 

Aqua watched me go, then turned to the door and announced, “Hey, Darkness. Kazuma said he’s headed to your room, and he’s going to pull everything out of the chests and closet and out from under the bed, and he’s going to enjoy himself as much as he wants. And then he just…walked off.” 

There was a huge crash from the bathroom. Next came the smack of the door hitting the table as Darkness tried to get out. 

I completely ignored both noises as I headed up the stairs… 

I heard the door hit the table several more times, and then Darkness was shouting. “Kazumaaa! Stop it! Stop, you fiend! Cease! Desist! St—! This is a joke, isn’t it? Aqua, Kazuma’s still there, isn’t he? Megumin, is Kazuma still there?!” 

Her voice got more and more frantic and weepy. 

To make things worse, Megumin, from where she sat on the sofa, listlessly petting Emperor Zel (still sleeping in the arms of Vanir’s empty shell), joined Aqua in saying: 

““No, he’s not.”” 

“Kazuma, I was wrong! I was…! Hey, let me out; I can’t get out of here! Aqua, Megumin, let me out! Kazuma, I was wrong; I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please forgive me, Lord Kazuma!” 

A little while later. 

“…Ergh, my favorite underwear…” 

“…Um, what happened to Darkness after that?” Megumin inquired. We were all sitting at the table, discussing what we would do next over dinner. 

“If you want to know, ask her. Aqua, what happened after we left? I helped get permission for your festival. Will you be able to handle the rest on your own?” 

“Sure. Now that we’ve been approved, everything else should be fine. Just leave it all to me—I have an idea.” 

Having wrangled permission from the shopping district president, I was going to leave everything else entirely in Aqua’s hands. I would be lying if I said that didn’t worry me a little, but hey, I wasn’t an Axis disciple, so there was really no further reason for me to be involved. 

It was my hope that the Eris and Axis Churches would get competitive and make the celebration bigger and bigger. I would do my part to fan the flames but otherwise leave them to celebrate however they liked. 

Fight… Then fight some more…! 

“Hey, Kazuma,” Darkness said. “What exactly does permission for this festival entail?” 

“Figh— Oh! I mean, the president of the shopping district, you know? He decided to let the Eris and Axis Churches cohost the festival so that it would be bigger than ever.” 

“You really got him to agree to that? I can’t imagine how… Wait, yes I can. Knowing you, it was probably something I don’t want to hear about. Argh, why does this have to happen when I’m the acting governor…?” Darkness heaved a sigh and had a bite of pasta. “Mm,” she said, “this pasta is good. In fact, all the food tonight is tasty. It doesn’t quite compare to the chefs at my family’s house, but I wouldn’t turn up my nose at this at a restaurant. Who did the cooking today?” 

“I did,” I said. “…Oh, I get it; you ran out on us during the incident with that lord, so you don’t know. I picked up the Cooking skill. I’ve got all that money, and I’m thinking about how to live the good life, see? So I thought, rather than focus on skills that would help with adventuring, why not pick up some things that could enrich my daily life?” 

Darkness put her head in her hands. “Wh-why, you… I’ve had a bad feeling about you ever since you took the Flee skill. I wondered where you were headed with all this… The Cooking skill is normally reserved for chefs!” 

Yeah, but still. 

After that, Aqua started going to the Axis Church on a daily basis, leaving our lives largely peaceful. 

But one night… 

It was well past midnight, so late that dawn would be coming in just a few hours. 

Chris and I stood outside our target, the Undyne house. 

“Why did you pick so late at night, Lowly Assistant? We could have started the operation a little earlier, couldn’t we?” 

“Humans sleep more deeply at this time of night. Right after they fall asleep, the tiniest noise can wake them up. When I was living with my family in Japan, I learned this was the best time to sneak to the kitchen for a snack. I’m using hard-won wisdom from my own life here.” 

We were no longer Kazuma Satou and Chris; we had become the Lowly Assistant and Chief of the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade. 

I had my mask on again, and I was dressed all in black and carrying a big bag. 

Happily, it was cloudy that night. With no light from the moon or stars, everything around us was pitch-black. 

“Fine, I won’t bug you about it… Hey, what’s with the big bag? What’s wrapped up in that cloth?” 

Chris seemed to have taken an interest in my baggage. 

I was carrying soundproof materials for absorbing impacts. It was a type of homemade Bubble Wrap I’d been working on. My first prototype had been used as a stress reliever by a certain crazy someone, but I had gone on to make second and third prototypes. 

We were going to be stealing armor, after all. If we tried to just carry it off, it would probably clank, clank, clank enough to wake up the whole house. 

Chris listened to my explanation with considerable admiration. “Now I get it… Say, Lowly Assistant, you had Bubble Wrap in Japan, right? It’s supposed to be fun to pop the bubbles… Can I see that for a second…?” 

“I’m not letting you pop these; it takes forever to make this thing. Come on—let’s get going.” 

Under the cover of night, we made our way toward the mansion. 

Honestly, this particular hit wasn’t going to be very difficult. It was nothing compared to infiltrating the royal castle, and although Undyne was a noble, his mansion was nowhere near as large as Darkness’s. 

There were no guards patrolling outside, and it wasn’t even clear if there was anyone keeping watch indoors. I was making full use of the fact that Second Sight allowed me to see in the dark as I pressed myself to the wall of the complex. 

“You know, Chief, I’ve been wondering. You’re a goddess. Can’t you see in the dark like Aqua?” 

“This body is my temporary form on this plane. I haven’t incarnated myself directly like my senior did, so I can’t see through demons and undead, and I can’t detect evil. But on the other hand, I don’t radiate a goddess’s aura, so undead don’t bother me.” 

That made sense. Attracting zombies would be the last thing you would want at a time like this. 

“Okay then, Chief, give me your hand. I’ll guide you.” 

“I don’t need to hold your hand to know where to go, Lowly Assistant. When we broke into the castle, I followed you just fine.” 

“That was completely different. There was moonlight and everything, but tonight there isn’t a star in the cloudy sky. One careless moment could cost you your life. Don’t underestimate this job just because it’s easier than getting into the castle. Come on. Give me your—” 

“Kazuma Satou, sexually harassing me will result in severe divine punishment, got it? Like, you’ll suddenly feel really sick to your stomach, but when you run to the bathroom, you’ll find out someone else is in there. And then, just when you think you’ve finally made it, you’ll discover there’s no toilet paper.” 

“I’m sorry—I got carried away. Please forgive me.” 

Unlike Aqua’s weirdly vague divine punishments, Eris had some very unpleasant wrath in store. 

Trembling slightly, I followed along the wall until we got to the back entrance of the house. 

“Let’s not worry too much tonight. There were no guards, and with our Detect Trap and Lockpick skills, we’ll manage somehow. The real issue is after we get the armor. I’m not sure how much my invention will dampen the sound…” 

“Let’s trust your work, Lowly Assistant. And if push comes to shove, we can always force our way out like we did at the castle!” 

Chris seemed to be downright enjoying herself as she unlocked the gate. Thinking back on it, I guess that was kind of fun. 

And rife with tension, for some reason. 

“You know, that mask of yours really is cool, Lowly Assistant. You said you bought it at the magic-item shop in town, right? And I think that weird doll on your couch was wearing something similar. When this job is over, you’ll have to show me where you bought it.” 

“Sure, but… You’re not going to get into a fight with the staff, Chief? Aqua and the part-timer at that place really don’t get along. It’s a battle every time they see each other.” 

“I’m not going to fight anyone. That senior of mine, she’ll argue with anybody she lays eyes on…” 

Come to think of it, Chris had mentioned that this was a temporary body for her—I wondered if Vanir would be able to figure out her true identity. It seemed like Chris couldn’t use her goddess powers in this form, and there was actually a chance he wouldn’t sense anything from her. 

…No. If her identity just happened to get out and it turned into a huge battle, that would be a problem. Maybe it was best not to let them meet… 

“There, it’s open. Let’s get to work, Lowly Assistant.” 

Just as we’d guessed, there were no guards in Undyne’s mansion. Maybe it had something to do with the crime rate being relatively low in this town. 

I worked my way down the lightless hallway. Chris was using her Sense Treasure skill, and we were heading toward whatever was setting it off, but… 

“Chief, you don’t have to stop in front of every single piece of loot. Let’s just find the Sacred Treasure, go home, and get some sleep.” 

“Y-yeah, sure, that’s what I want, too. It’s just, every time I see treasure, it stirs the Thief blood in me… When I think of all the poor children I could help with even one item, my hand just…” 

Chris seemed drawn to every painting and exquisite item we passed. 

“Do your Robin Hood thing on your own time. Anyway, if you have to steal something, there’s probably stuff in the treasure vault that’s a lot more valuable—and smaller.” 

“Yeah, I guess so. It looks like you’ve started to learn a thing or two about thieving in spite of yourself, Lowly Assistant… Aren’t you about at the point where you have enough levels to change jobs? Why not re-class from Adventurer to Thief?” 

“I have every intention of living a dissolute life of pleasure, so I’m fine as an Adventurer. We’re weak, but we can learn a lot of skills. I’m thinking I’ll get Create Earth Golem next. Then maybe I can make a golem to do my chores.” 

“…You sure love to waste your magic and skills. If I may offer a goddess’s perspective, in view of your eventual confrontation with the Demon King, you might want to go for something a little more useful…” 

What a thing to say to the guy who’d died more times than anyone else in this world. 

We moved on, following Chris’s Sense Treasure, until finally we arrived at a room with a thick door. That was when I got a reaction from a skill I was happy to have but that I didn’t normally have a use for: Detect Trap. 

“I guess you can’t blame them for having one trap,” Chris said. “Let’s see… Ooh, an alarm… Say, Lowly Assistant…” 

“I’m a lot of things, but I’m not stupid,” I said. “I promise what happened when we broke into the castle won’t happen here… S-seriously, I mean it. Stop looking at me like that…” 

While Chris disabled the trap, I used my Sense Foe skill, just to make sure we hadn’t woken anyone up in the meantime. 

“……?” 

It wasn’t an enemy. 

No, not an enemy, but I did feel a strange aura from inside the treasure room. It wasn’t human, but it wasn’t a monster, either. 

“There, got it! Lock’s picked, Lowly Assistant!” Chris said, and she put a hand to the door. 

“Hey, w-wait just a second, Chief; there’s—” 

But before I could tell her about the mysterious aura, the door was open. 

“…? What’s wrong, Lowly Assistant?” 

“Huh?” 

Inside the vault was…no one. 

It couldn’t have been my imagination; I could still detect the aura nearby. But the only thing there was a huge pile of weird items… 

“Assistant! Lowly Assistant! Look at this! I’ll bet this is worth plenty!” 

“Aww, no fair! I had my eye on that!” I forgot all about the aura and became completely enamored with the treasure. 

“Just to be clear,” Chris said, “you have to donate the full amount you get from any treasure you steal, okay? We may be stealing from a villain, but we’re not doing it for prof—” 

“Hoo, look at this thing sparkle! This looks wicked expensive! Ooh, what’s this weird stone? Aqua loves weird stones; maybe I should bring it back for her.” 

“…Ahem. Lowly Assistant? Are you listening? That’s off-limits, okay? For real. You hear me?” 

That was when I noticed: For all the gold in this room, the crucial suit of armor was missing. 

“Chief, I don’t see that Sacred Treasure or whatever.” 

“What?! Dang, you’re right. So why does this place give off a divine-level-treasure aura?” 

Still a little bugged about the aura I’d felt earlier, I looked in the direction it was coming from. There was a wall there and nothing especially out of the ordinary or… 

“Wha—?!” 

As I ran my fingers along the wall, part of it suddenly recessed and then spun around, like a rotating wall at a ninja hideout. 

“A hidden door? Way to go, Lowly Assistant.” 

“I may not look like much, but I’m confident I have the next best luck to you, Chief.” 

Just a little banter as we entered the room beyond the wall. 

Smack in the middle of the room stood a suit of armor, bound hand and foot with chains as if to hold it in place. 

Made entirely of silver, it looked like a work of art. There wasn’t a single seam on the whole smooth surface of the suit. I wasn’t exactly an expert appraiser of armor, but somehow as I looked at it, my heart started to pound, and I was overcome with the confidence that if I could just wear this suit of armor, no one could beat me. 

“It’s…,” I breathed. 

“Uh-huh. Aigis, the holy armor… It’s the toughest armor in this world, granting victory to anyone who wears it.” 

We approached the chained-up armor for a closer look. 

“Hey, it’s got some scratches on it,” I said. 

Chris placed a reverent hand on the armor. “…Yeah, so it does. I guess because it spent all that time protecting its master from the Demon King’s army. The owner of this armor never lost a fight, no matter how brutal, to the bitter end.” She seemed to be inspecting each of the little marks and scratches. “To the day your owner died of illness, you did your job…” 

She accompanied her murmur with a gentle touch of the armor. 

Wow, this is the sort of thing that makes her seem really goddess-like… 

I was admiring Chris’s face in profile when it happened. 

<Hey, kiddo, hands off the merchandise!> 

A man’s voice reverberated in my mind, shattering the solemn atmosphere. 

It looked like Chris could hear it, too. 

“Huh? K-kiddo? Are you talking about me?! Okay, wait—hang on a second! Was that…you talking just now?! You, the sacred armor Aigis?!” 

<Huh, so you’re not a boy. In that case, go ahead and touch me a little more. Let me start over from the top. A pleasure to meet you both. My name is Sacred Armor Aigis. I’m a sort of hybrid Sacred Treasure that can both speak and sing. You’re welcome to call me Mr. Aigis.> 

Hey, since when did Sacred Treasures speak so fluently? 

Was this what I had felt with my Sense Foe skill? 

“Oh, uh…I’m just a little surprised,” Chris said. “None of my information said you could talk. So, uh, Aigis.” 

<I believe I said Mr. Aigis, punk.> 

“I’m not a punk! Why’s a Sacred Treasure like you got such a bad attitude anyway?” 

“Chief, let me remind you we’ve broken in here in the middle of the night, and now is not the time to be arguing with an inanimate object! Remember what we’re here for!” 

The argument with the armor had advanced so far that Chris was pounding it on the chest (gently), but I pulled the load off my back to remind her of our original objective. 

Chris’s face turned serious, and she set her hand on the chest plate of the armor. 

“…That’s right. Okay, er…Mr.…Aigis. We broke in here because your power is needed once again. I’ll find you a new owner. They’ll be an outworlder, just like your last master. Someone who’ll come here from a land called Japan to save this world!” 

Then she smiled as if to encourage the armor… 

<Huh? What’re you going on about? Why should I have to do that at this stage in the game? Count me out, yeah? ’Cause if you want my power, that means you want me to make like a suit of armor and protect my owner, right? Dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, ya dig? I may be armor, but it hurts to get hit, and it scratches my awesome gleaming body! What kind of owner are we talking about anyway? Is it someone, like, worthy of me?> 

Chris’s smile froze on her face. “…I, uh, can’t tell you for sure, but probably it’s someone full of righteousness and courage and kindness—” 

<Not what I meant! I don’t give a crap about what’s inside! It’s looks that matter! Are we talking big boobs? Hourglass figure? Just so you know, underage kids get a big N-O from me. Y’know, maybe I’m more into the cute girls than the really hot ones. My last owner was a fighter, and I think I’d like to do that again. Minimal clothes on under the armor, please.> 

…… 

“Hey, do we really need such lowbrow armor? Let’s just leave him at the bottom of the sea.” 

“It’s not that I don’t sympathize, Lowly Assistant, but this is a Sacred Treasure here. In fact, I definitely do sympathize, but just grin and bear it.” 

Apparently, we were destined to take this ridiculous suit of armor home. 

Without another word, I started pulling the Bubble Wrap out of my bag… 

<Hmm? Hey now, what’s the dark-haired kid up to? …Y’know, do you think you could tell me exactly who you guys are? Come to think of it, didn’t you say something about breaking in here in the middle of the night?> 

Aigis seemed to be talking in my direction. 

“You got it. We’re burglars, and we’re here to bust you out of this room and give you to a proper master. You’re sacred armor, a Sacred Treasure, right? Then do your damn job.” 

Chris watched me pulling out the Bubble Wrap from the corner of her eye as she worked on Aigis’s chains. 

“Not too many girls get sent here from Japan, so I’m not certain we’re going to be able to accommodate everything you’re asking for,” she said. “But if any young women do come through, we’ll be sure to prioritize you…” 

It was at that moment that Aigis exclaimed, in a voice loud enough to be heard around the entire house: 

<I’m bein’ kidnapped!!> 

I thought about pointing out that you don’t kidnap a suit of armor, but I gave it up. 



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