Kono Subarashii Sekai ni Shukufuku o! - Volume 8 - Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

May There Be Shining Flowers in the Sky Tonight! 

1 

The third day of the festival. 

I was asleep on my bed in my room when Megumin, wearing a dress and looking annoyed, said, “…You come home at dawn, and now you sleep so late? Come on—we are supposed to see the fireworks together today. Hurry up and get changed!” 

I drank too much yesterday. 

This world doesn’t have a legal drinking age, so I’m sorry to say I’ve become rather acquainted with the taste of alcohol since coming here. 

“Errgh, I’m afraid of what might happen if I go out in a big, noisy crowd of people right now…” 

“You are the worst! Normally, when one has a date with a girl to go see fireworks, one tries to take it easy on the alcohol the day before. What were you even doing last night? You seemed in awfully high spirits when you came home.” 

There was no way I was going to tell her I had a succubus lady spoiling me rotten. 

“Call Darkness… Get her to use her authority to move the fireworks display to tomorrow…” 

“As much as I admire your refusal to actually abandon our date, I think continued selfish requests on your part are going to drive Darkness insane. She already has her hands full with Aqua and the others today.” 

Wait, how’s that again? 

Last night, Aqua and her friends had seemed to be doing pretty well, so what happened? 

As I lay there trying to think things through, Megumin tore the blankets off my bed and thrust my clothes into my hands… 

“Yikes! W-wait a second—what are you doing?! Stop that; why are you trying to pull my clothes off?! You do the weirdest things sometimes!” 

Nearly being stripped certainly woke me up. 

“Your nakedness is hardly something to move me now, Kazuma. In the battle with the Kowloon Hydra, your clothes melted right off. Come on—if you aren’t going to take your clothes off, then I’ll do it myself.” 

The idea of being stripped naked by a girl wasn’t entirely unpleasant, but I didn’t want to think about what Aqua or Darkness would say if they saw us. 

I got out of bed, changed my clothes in front of Megumin—who didn’t even pretend to look away—and quickly washed my face and got ready. 

“…I—I admit, even I didn’t expect you to change in front of me so readily.” 

“I thought you weren’t moved by my nakedness… Phew, that drink of water has me feeling a bit better. By the way, you said something about Aqua causing trouble. What’s going on?” 

“Yesterday, the Axis shop stalls did quite well for themselves, better than the Eris ones, in fact, and the Axis disciples are letting it go to their heads. Specifically, they claim the Axis Church should be granted more selling space because of their superior income.” 

I thought back to how Aqua had looked the day before. 

Were the cracks starting to show already? 

…No, no, it was too early to draw any conclusions—she had been reborn. She’d shown she could learn during the cicada hunt, and she had displayed such humility yesterday. Some of the Axis disciples must have gone rogue—that had to be it. 

But… 

“…I’ve got a bad feeling about this, so I think I’ll let Darkness handle it. Yeah, I think I’ll steer clear of the Axis booths today. Let’s go see some fireworks.” 

Maybe Megumin had her suspicions, too, because she agreed immediately. “Indeed. It’s a summer festival—why not take a break from unpleasant and dangerous things for a bit and go on a date?” 

That’s right: We finally had a summer festival here. I normally managed to get dragged into every fight and argument that came along, but surely I deserved to relax and enjoy the celebration—! 

“—Somehow I kind of figured this would happen.” 

“Why the smart remark? Come on—hurry up.” Megumin, looking perplexed, took my hand as I stood dejectedly at the entrance to the downtown district. 

“Megumin, this is the first time I’ve ever gone to a festival or seen fireworks with anyone! I don’t seem, like, weird or anything, do I?! I really tried to go all-out here!” 

“There is nothing weird about you except that excitement. I am asking you, please, to try not to go to pieces at this festival of all places.” 

Megumin had set my heart fluttering with words like date, but then Yunyun came along. 

I greeted Yunyun when she met us at the gate, then shuffled along behind the two girls, my shoulders slumped just a little… 

“It is still a bit early to be alone with you. After the fireworks display, let’s go home together.” 

Megumin whispered in my ear. 

“In the past, I’ve always kept myself shut up in the house during festival time. To think the day would come when I could go enjoy a festival like this—I’m so glad I left Crimson Magic Village! …Mr. Kazuma, what’s wrong? You’re behaving rather strangely…” 

“Wha—? Huh?! I-i-i-it’s nothing; I’m just excited about the festival! Say, Yunyun, why would you stay home when you could come to the festival and have a chance of running into a friend? I mean, as a high-level hikikomori myself, I understand the feeling. You don’t go out to festivals or crowded places. Yeah, sounds like common sense when I put it that way.” 

Megumin’s little ambush had put me into something of a panic, and Yunyun looked at me strangely. 

“I’m not a hikikomori like you, Mr. Kazuma. I was afraid that if I went to the festival by myself and ran into all my classmates having fun there without me, they might pity me. I wouldn’t be able to stand it if they were to say, Oh, we’re so sorry for not inviting you or whatever else…” 

“I get it—stop already! I was wrong. Just don’t say any more! We’ll keep you company today!” 

Argh, dammit, what is it with me these days? I feel like Megumin permanently has the initiative. 

And what’s all this about going home together? She can’t just mean going home, can she? She must have some “special event” in mind after that, right? 

Is it okay for me to get my hopes up a little bit here? 

Man, girls are no fair. 

I mean, look how crazy she’s made me just by whispering in my ear a little! 

2 

I’d had my way with the shooting gallery using my Deadeye skill and taken advantage of my immense Luck to bankrupt the lottery stall. 

“…I think you should learn what it means to have mercy, Kazuma,” Megumin said. 

“She’s right,” Yunyun added. “The woman at the shooting gallery and the man at the lottery stall were both crying. They said they would have to close for the day.” 

I had been walking around and checking out the various shops with the two Crimson Magic Clan girls. 

“Listen up, you two,” I said. “Festivals are a battle against the shopkeepers. Back in my country, the people running the booths would show off some expensive item that you could ‘win’ if you were lucky enough, but they could sell every ticket and there still wouldn’t be a winner. Or you’d win something and go home all excited, only to find out you’d won a clever fake.” 

“Sometime I want to sit down and properly hear about this country you’re from, Kazuma,” Megumin said. “…But I have to say, this year’s festival does seem more fun than usual. Were you the one who suggested the costume parade? Everyone was really enjoying themselves, walking around in whatever costume they liked. I even saw some crazy people dressed up like succubi and incubi. I wouldn’t be surprised to discover there were even some real ones wandering around.” 

I had to be careful; Megumin was proving sharper than I had anticipated. I looked around the festival. 

Axel Town looked totally different from normal. 

There was Vanir, selling masks at the world’s creepiest mask shop. In among the succubi happily buying up his stock was Megumin; even she seemed to want a mask. 

There was Yunyun, who had somehow gotten roped into helping Vanir. 

It wasn’t just demons enjoying the celebration: Animal people, short-eared elves, and dwarves—races you didn’t see too much of around here—could all be found wandering about. 

Bonfire light gave everything a fantastical look. I had never felt so much like I was in another world as I did today, I thought. 

“This really is another world…” 

Before I knew it, I found myself whispering the thought aloud. 

“……” 

Standing next to me, Megumin was watching me closely with a hint of concern, looking as if she wanted to say something. 

“What? You look like you’re trying to hold in an explosion.” 

“…Oh, it’s nothing…” 

Megumin, who would normally speak her mind regardless of whether she was talking to a king, a queen, or a general of the Demon King, was strangely reticent. 

Maybe I should tell her sometime that I wasn’t from this world. 

Not that anything would come of it or that anything would change. She might just think I was crazy, like how Aqua could never get Megumin to believe her when she said she was a goddess. 

Maybe it was because my life was newly stable, but there were times recently when I actually didn’t think it was such a bad thing to have come to this world. 

Maybe I really would tell her and the others about “my country” someday— 

At that moment, though, a rumble I could feel in my bones came from the direction of Axel’s reservoir. 

The fireworks display had begun. 

Flowers of every color burst in the sky above, accompanied by the oohs and ahs of the crowd. 

Megumin looked up at the sky. In what might have been an effort to shake the solemn atmosphere between us, she squeezed my hand gently… 

“Kazuma, let’s hurry over! If we don’t get to the battle, we’ll be too late!” 

Her tender words perfectly suited the mood of… 

“…Wait, battle? Hey, stop—don’t pull! We can see the fireworks just fine from here!” 

“What are you talking about? We’re adventurers, aren’t we? If we do not aid the defense now, who will protect the festival?!” 

What was she talking about? 

I was about to ask her when I saw the other adventurers in the area and stopped. 

Everyone who looked remotely like a magic-user was dashing over. Even Yunyun, who had been there just a moment ago. 

I chased after Megumin, shouting, “Hey, tell me what’s going on! Seriously, what is this? Isn’t this a fireworks display?! Where is everyone going?!” 

“It’s the bugs!” It wasn’t Megumin but Yunyun who answered, running ahead of us. 

“The bugs?! What about them? We build a bunch of bonfires during the festival, and they attract some insects—so what?!” 

Megumin replied, “This happens every year. That’s why they post that quest for the extermination of the insects. At night, the bugs from the nearby forest and plains are lured to the town by the firelight. They circle around overhead, looking for any chance to attack. That’s what the fireworks display is for. We let off blasts and explosions right in the middle of them.” 

Um… Come again? 

“Mr. Kazuma, I don’t know what fireworks were for where you come from… But in our country, fireworks displays are a signal to go to war against encroaching insects!” 

This stupid, stupid world! 

3 

I can’t believe this. 

After all that “let’s be together” and whispering sweetly in my ear, Megumin was the first one in the moment the fireworks started. 

Then, if you can believe it, the police stopped her from trying to set off a huge explosion right in the middle of town. 

…And that meant she was dragged off to the station. 

I knew she wasn’t the most romantic person in the world, but you could take spoiling the mood too far. 

The summer festival, the vibe in the air, had really gotten my hopes up. I wanted my poor feelings back. 

After aiding in the defense against the bugs, I went back home—alone—and slunk off to my room. 

But I couldn’t just mope forever. 

While I had been running around the battlefield like a chicken with its head cut off (we were at a festival—why would I bring my bow and arrows?), Chris found me, and we made a snap decision. 

I dressed all in black and donned the weird mask. 

I put the magic item I had bought just for this purpose in my backpack, and then everything was ready. 

That’s right: We were going to get our revenge on that nasty suit of armor. 

Tonight, I was bringing a magical item that would help us against the shouting suit. 

It was so late at night that it was practically the next day. Aqua still wasn’t home—maybe she was out having fun at the festival—and I expected Darkness would soon be asleep. 

My route to the meeting point with Chris went not through the front door but out the window of my own room. It would be trouble if anyone in the mansion happened to spot me sneaking around in black pajamas and a mask. Darkness would recognize me, and if she or especially Aqua found me, they would know immediately what I was going to do. 

All right. Go time. 

I lowered a rope out my window and was about to climb down it when… 

“Kazuma. Your light is on; are you still up?” 

I quickly pulled the rope back inside and shut the window. 

“Y-y-yeah, I’m up, but I’m just about to go to sleep!” I said, stashing the rope as quickly as I could and making sure the door was locked. If she saw me in this getup, she would certainly ask where I was going. 

“Okay… Um, I know it’s late, but do you have a moment?” 

Frankly, no, I didn’t, but Darkness somehow sounded different from usual. 

“…Yeah, fine. Just give me a second; I’m not presentable.” 

“Hrk?! S-sure, okay. Sorry I caught you at a bad time.” Why did she sound a little panicked? I hurried to change my clothes. Then I stuffed the mask and my backpack into the closet. 

“Pant… Pant… S-sorry to keep you waiting…” 

“Sure, it’s no— Hey, weren’t you getting your clothes on? I won’t ask what you were doing in there, but you could at least stop breathing hard!!” Darkness couldn’t quite bring herself to look at me as I stood there panting. 

Oops, I was in just my underpants. 

…Hey, wait a second. 

“Hold on—I wasn’t doing anything, like, weird in here! Don’t get the wrong idea!” 

“F-fine, sure! Believe me, I won’t, so just put on some clothes! And for the record, if you’re going to do that, at least wash your hands!” 

That’s exactly the wrong idea I was talking about! 

I wanted to clear up the misunderstanding, but I didn’t have the time. 

“…Ah, forget it. What do you want? You know, if you hang around outside my room dressed like that, Aqua’s going to start spreading nasty rumors about you.” 

Darkness was wearing a thin negligee that left me unsure what to do with my eyes. If I hadn’t been about to try to sneak out of the house to go pilfer a Sacred Treasure, I would have looked her up and down to my heart’s content. 

Of course, I did it anyway. 

“S-so, um…are you just going to let me stand out here, or can I come in?” 

There was something in my closet I definitely didn’t want her to see, so I would have been happier to leave her in the hallway. But I could hardly say that, so instead I just sat down on my bed. 

“What’s up all of a sudden? Is it something that couldn’t wait until morning?” 

“Wh-what?! Well, uh, I guess maybe it could, technically, but… Well… You know, both of us have just been so busy recently, we don’t even see each other much here at home, right?” 

Darkness’s half-baked attempt at an answer was accompanied by a nervous glance around my room as she settled uneasily on my bed. Her fingers worked restlessly for a moment before she seemed to find her nerve and looked up at me. 

“Kazuma, I… I’ve apologized to you, but I haven’t properly thanked you, so…I just wanted to take a moment when we were alone to say how grateful I am…” Her voice was quiet but firm, and she looked straight at me with a very serious expression. 

Ah. Could she mean…? 

“Is this about when I saved you from that lecherous lord? That was just something I decided to do on my own, and you don’t need to thank me for it. I mean, you apparently took on our debts without mentioning it to anyone, but I never thanked you for that, right?” 

I tried to sound lighthearted, but Darkness didn’t look convinced. 

While we were chatting, Chris was waiting for me. 

What an annoying girl! I didn’t need her to thank me. 

I was fidgeting, almost hardly paying attention, when Darkness gave me a smile that made my heart ache, as if she might burst into tears at any moment. “You… You’ve shown me fun things and new things, things that were sad and things that made me angry—a wealth of emotions and experiences I never expected to have as a daughter of the nobility. If I’d never met you, I would never have traveled around with this party, never have gone on such amazing adventures. The year since we met has been the most fun and the happiest time of my life.” She was practically whispering. 

As I sat there completely lost for what to say, Darkness took my hand in both of hers. “So please, let me thank you. Not just for saving me from Alderp’s clutches. Thank you for staying friends with a girl who everyone else starts avoiding as soon as they find out who she really is. I love living here with you and the others. It’s like… Yes, I don’t even know my dearly departed mother’s face, but I think if she had lived, I would have known this feeling s-sooner…” 

She was starting to stutter, as if she was feeling shy. 

“That’s why I want to thank you now. For always being with me. For rescuing me when I had even given up on myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart…” 

Darkness suddenly switched to the more elaborate tone of a noble, but she was still holding my hand, and now she squeezed it gently. 

I thought my heart might burst from sheer nerves. 

What was going on here? Why had this “love event” come on so suddenly? 

Hadn’t I been going down the Megumin route? I thought we had been feeling pretty cozy, that I was more or less settled on that branch, and then suddenly here comes the “noblewoman path.” 

Even I thought I was hardly making sense at this point. 

What the heck; why is this happening?! 

No, wait! Calm down—take it easy, Kazuma Satou. She’s just thanking you. You’re not a virgin; what are you getting all nervous for? 

Hold on—I am a virgin! 

More to the point, I can’t get carried away here, not if you think about it sensibly; I mean, Megumin and I were enjoying the fireworks just earlier and feeling pretty good about ourselves, and now I’m getting in good with Darkness on the very same day, and if someone were to say, You’re something else, Kazuma, I wouldn’t be able to deny it because no wait that’s not the point! 

What am I even thinking I’m so confused I just wait wait wait this is no time to panic; this is Darkness we’re dealing with, Darkness who always says the weirdest things, Darkness who gets ticked off at the drop of a hat, Darkness with whom I very nearly crossed that last and final line… 

“So I… Tonight, see, I… Uh… I wanted to thank you…” 

Darkness, who was blushing, Darkness whose face was drawing closer to mine, Darkness who was licking her lips because maybe they were dry, yes, that’s the Darkness we were talking about, Kazuma Satou, and now you’ve come this far, so show that you’re a man! 

I just needed to be cool and take the lead, really go for it: 

“D-d-don’t m-mention it; Megumin thanked me once when we were alone together for helping you, too, and you know it’s all good; I mean, we’re buddies, right?!” 

Okay, that wasn’t quite as cool as I’d hoped, but I’d give myself eighty out of one hundred there. Let’s just keep really going for it. 

“…Geez, you bring up Megumin at a time like this? Some guys really know how to kill a moment.” 

Okay, not going. Darkness stood up, a mixture of annoyance and disappointment on her face. 

“But speaking of her, we got word from the police. They said she would be released late tonight. I guess it was cruel of me to try to be in your room right when they were letting her out…” 

As she spoke, Darkness leaned over toward me. 

Her lips brushed my cheek ever so gently. 

Then she stood up again, biting her lip. “That was the kiss on the cheek I promised you for beating the Kowloon Hydra,” she said. “I’ll have to thank you for saving me from Alderp some other time…!” 

As I watched her go, I started shouting. “The hellllll, Darkness?! Wait! You can’t get me this fired up and then leave me with a stupid kiss on the cheek! You, Megumin, everyone around here just likes to get a guy’s hopes up! I want a do-over! A do-over, do you hear me?! I know you’ve got it in you—just muster up that courage and take the next step!” 

“I truly cannot fathom what is wrong with you! I want our moment back!” 

4 

Darkness stormed angrily back to her room, and I buried myself under my covers to try to get some sleep. Then I realized I had completely forgotten about Chris and rushed out to our agreed-upon meeting point, two hours after we had agreed to meet there. 

When I arrived, there was Chris, wearing black clothes and a mask over her face just like I was. 

“You are so late!” she exclaimed. “What could possibly have taken so long?!” 

“Uh, sorry, there was some stuff with Darkness. I never thought she would come to my room so late at night and looking like that…” 

“Huh?!” Chris went from angry to stiff. “J-just wait a second. You won’t make me forget about being upset that easily. You’re playing this up, but I’m sure nothing serious happened, right?” 

“I mean, I guess not. Darkness just suddenly kissed me is all.” 

“Guh?!” Chris gasped, shattering her facade of detached cool, her face frozen in shock. 

I didn’t think a goddess was ever supposed to look that way. 

“As amusing as I find that face, we’re running out of time,” I said. “I don’t know if it’s because of what happened, but physically, I’m feeling pretty good tonight.” 

“Whaaaaa—?! Hey, hold on. How can you get kissed and still be so calm?! You were joking, weren’t you? Come on—you were pretending, right?!” 

Chris was really bent on this for some reason. 

“No, it’s true. You can ask Darkness. Ask her, ‘Is it true that you came to Kazuma’s room in the middle of the night and suddenly kissed him?’ I wonder what’s been going on anyway. Just the other day, Megumin was talking about how she, y’know, likes me. In fact, today she said we should go home together after the fireworks display—not that we got to, thanks to her spoiling that moment. What do I do, Chief? I might take my next step into adulthood during the festival.” 

“What, seriously?! Come to think of it, you did mention something the other day about how you were feeling pretty good about things with Megumin and how Darkness seemed to be noticing you, too. W-wait just a second—do you have a love triangle on your hands here?!” Chris clapped her hands over her mouth, then looked at me with undisguised interest. “Oh wow… When did Darkness get so bold?! Wait a second. Did you say Megumin likes you, too? So what are you going to do?! Who are you going to choose?!” 

“Hey, hey, don’t rush me. I don’t exactly have this figured out myself yet. This sort of thing happens all the time in manga and novels in Japan. All the pretty girls you meet fall in love with you; you start up a harem… The thing is, I’ve got no complaints about either of their looks, but you know what they’re like on the inside. Plus, the way these scenarios go, I’ll probably trip the flags for some more girls along the way, so it’s a little early to start making any choices. Tell me, Chief, what do you think I should do?” 

“I’m starting to think maybe you should just drop dead… I have to admit I’m surprised, though. When did things get this way between you all…?” 

Maybe goddesses were immune to talk of love, or maybe she was shocked to discover that her friend Darkness was suddenly going to step into adulthood before she was, but in any event, I was reduced to dragging the dizzy Chris along behind me as we headed for Undyne’s house. 

It was a cloudless night, a beautiful full moon in the sky. 

There was a reason we had decided so abruptly to go thieving tonight of all nights. 

No doubt the mansion would be on alert after our last break-in. But with the festival going on, we assumed they would let their guard down just a little bit. Tonight, however, was the night following the fireworks display. Nobles had a responsibility to protect the town, and the guards at this mansion had been among those sent to the battle. 

That meant they would be good and tired, and given that this festival came but once a year, there was also a good chance there would be some drunken partying going on. I still had my little plan to deal with the yelling armor, but if my idea should fail and we were to be pursued, we would simply remove our black suits and masks and fade away into the crowd. 

—When we finally got to Undyne’s house, we found that the back entrance through which we’d snuck last time was completely blocked off, and the only other way in—the front gate—was watched by two guards. Chris told me that ever since our attempted heist, the gate had been watched all night, every night. 

We were observing the mansion from a distance and discussing our options. 

“So what do we do now, Lowly Assistant? This place isn’t as big as the royal castle. A few guards really could be a pain.” 

“Good question—I’d like to distract them and sneak in if possible…” 

“Uh, um… Are you two, by any chance, members of the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade?” 

The voice was very sudden and very right behind us. I sucked in a breath and turned around. 

“P-p-p-pleased to meet you!” the newcomer said. “Er, although we aren’t really meeting at all, at least not for the first time! I encountered you at the royal castle once… I’m, well, I suppose you could call me a fan of yours. I’m the Arch-wizard Megumin!” 

I’d thought the police had detained her—but there was Megumin in the flesh. 

5 

For the life of me, I couldn’t tell you how this happened. 

“Wow, we’re famous already! I mean, famous enough to get a two-hundred-million-eris bounty on our heads, I guess!!” 

Chris seemed at once embarrassed and elated to be told Megumin was a fan of hers. I wanted to point out that this was not the time to be so self-conscious, but I was more interested in wrapping this up without getting in trouble. 

Chris and I were both speaking in manufactured voices, but a sharp-enough listener would probably be able to tell who we were. Megumin, however, was too excited for that. 

“For a thief gang to earn a bounty on their heads, that’s really amazing! Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you: When you broke into the castle, was it because you knew the princess possessed a dangerous Sacred Treasure and you wanted to protect her?!” 

“Oh, uh, yes, that’s right,” I said. “We’re what the world calls righteous thieves. Normally, we’re on the side of the common people, but we can’t ignore a woman in danger, even if she is a princess. Wherever people are in trouble, whether noble mansion or royal castle, we’ll sneak right in. That’s us, the Masked Thief Brigade.” 

“Oh, wooow…!” 

I had to admit, the envious way Megumin was looking at me felt pretty good. 

“H-hang on, Lowly Assistant—aren’t we the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade?! No fair changing our name. I’m the chief, remember?!” 

“You’re one to talk about unfair, Chief. Remember how when things were going south in the castle, you said we should call it the Masked Thief Brigade and I could be chief?!” 

We briefly ignored Megumin and her glittering eyes while we had a sidebar. 

“So what are you doing here?” Megumin asked. “This is a noble’s house, is it not? …One who is not known for his decency, at that…” She looked even more expectant than before. 

I looked at Chris, and she looked at me, and then we both nodded. 

“Megumin… That was your name, right? As it happens, we’re after a certain object that resides in this house. An object crucial to the future of mankind. Thievery is never an activity to be praised, but… But this is something we must do—yes, even if it puts a bounty on our heads.” 

“Wow… Wooow…!” Megumin looked at us like we were genuine heroes. 

“It’s true: We’re about to break into that house,” Chris added. “And we’re going to get ourselves a trump card to use against the Demon King’s army. If you feel you need to tell the police, we won’t stop you… But I hope you’ll believe us when we say that this is for the sake of all humanity!” 

“Yes! Yes, I believe you! And of course I won’t report you!” Megumin assured us. “But…in exchange, let’s say, there’s something I’d like to ask.” She was fidgeting, looking weirdly shy. Then she bowed her head and gave us a letter. “Please read this! It’s a fan letter I wrote describing how cool and attractive you both are! I’ve been keeping it with me at every moment, in hopes that we might meet again someday!!” 

Come to think of it, I did remember her saying she wanted to give a letter to the thieves after we got back from the capital. 

Actually, my heart was pounding to get this letter. Megumin thought she was just writing to the heroes she was so enamored of, but for me it was sort of like getting a love letter. 

I was about to take the letter carefully when— 

“Thank you, young lady; I’ll read this with great interest when this job is over.” 

—Chris grabbed it instead. 

“Hold it, Chief! She was giving that to me!” 

“I don’t think so. Megumin was giving a fan letter to the Silver-Haired Thief Brigade, okay?! It’s not addressed to you; it’s to both of us, so it’s only right that the chief should take it!” 

As we began fighting as quietly as we could over the letter, Megumin bowed to us again. “Thank you so very much for accepting it. There was something I was looking forward to after the fireworks display, but unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned, and I was feeling down… But thanks to you, tonight wasn’t all bad.” 

Then she gave us an innocent smile. 

6 

“It’s a good thing we made it through that without being discovered, Chief. But I can’t tell if running into someone like that at this late hour is good luck or bad.” 

“Between the both of us, I don’t think we can have bad luck. We even got a fan letter out of it.” 

Megumin had left us, saying that she wished she could help somehow but that she had to hurry home and apologize to someone. Then she had said good-bye, but we could still see her taking little worried glances back at us. 

Could the “someone” she had to apologize to possibly be me? 

“Chief, do you think I could go home for today? I bet I could score a Megumin event by being at my place when she got there.” 

“You certainly may not go home. This is the perfect night to break in! What do you mean by ‘Megumin event’ anyway?! At least choose between Megumin and Darkness!” 

It looked like I wasn’t going to get out of this. We’d better make this quick, then. 

At that moment, I noticed Chris trying to pack the fan letter away close to her chest. 

“…Chief, what say we have a little contest to see who gets to keep that letter when this job is over?” 

“Okay, a simple battle of rock, paper, scissors.” 

“Nothing luck based!” 

The unexpected turn of events had made it necessary to get back home as soon as possible. I wanted to wrap this up pronto. 

“Let’s overpower the guards here,” I said. “I feel like I’m at the top of my game tonight—two guards? No sweat. I’ll wipe ’em out in the blink of an eye.” Maybe it was my improving standing with Darkness and Megumin that inspired such boldness in me. 

“What are you, a monster?” Chris asked. “I remember you were the same way when we were breaking into the royal castle, all excited. The wee hours of the night seem to really invigorate you somehow.” 

“If that’s what you think, then pretty much every NEET in Japan is a monster. We want to get as close as we can without being noticed, so activate your Ambush skill, Chief. It’s a full moon tonight, and they keep bonfires burning throughout the festival, so it’s plenty bright. We’ll have to be extra-careful.” 

Chris and I used our Ambush skills as we slid along the wall like ninjas, closing in on the guards. The two men were chatting amicably, without a hint of concern. If we could get the drop on them, everything would proceed as planned. 

Trying to judge my timing, I listened in on what they were saying. 

“Man, this year’s festival has been the best! It’s been really exciting, and you’ve got the Axis Church and everything. And those salesgirls in swimsuits. That was a stroke of genius.” 

“The succubus cosplay thing is a big part of it, too. I saw the most incredible chicks, man. I’m just loving this festival. Hey, did you hear? I guess this year they’ve got somebody orchestrating the entire event.” 

Ooh, could that be yours truly? 

The fact that even soldiers were talking about this stuff meant I had really done a good job. 

“I think I know who you mean. You’re talking about that guy who came up with the devious idea to pit the Eris and Axis Churches against each other and let them juice up the whole festival, right?” 

“Yeah, that’s the one. Getting the Axis Church involved, the succubus cosplay, the swimsuits, he thought of all of it. I think his name was—” 

I jumped from the shadows. 

The two panicked guards reached for their swords— 

“Drain Touch!” 

—but I slapped a hand over each of their mouths and drained their magical energy. Before the two guys could deliver their very unfavorable information in front of Chris, they both quickly fell silent. 

“Wh-whoa, now, Lowly Assistant, don’t go too crazy! Though I suppose I am glad you took them by surprise. It did seem like they were about to cry out.” 

“I decided that with the form I’m in tonight, I could do it. And I did, didn’t I? Don’t worry—just leave it to me.” 

Actually, it had been a pretty close call. 

Sure, the guards might have been about to shout, but if they had gotten another word out, I might have been in for some real divine punishment. 

Chris dragged the two unconscious guards into the bushes. “I’m glad it turned out well, but be careful next time, okay? After having to go out and fend off the bug attack this evening, everyone here will be tired, careless. We won’t get another chance like this.” 

“I know that. So let’s hurry up, ’cause I wanna head home and flirt with Megumin.” 

“Weren’t you in a good place with Darkness just before you came here? If you get yourself stabbed one of these days, don’t come whining to me, okay? And I won’t be granting you any more resurrections if that’s how you get yourself killed—you hear me?” 

I wish she wouldn’t say such unsettling things. 

But I was going to be fine; it wasn’t like either of them had asked me to go out with them. So it didn’t matter what I did with whom; they couldn’t complain. 

“But you know,” Chris went on, “what those guards said kind of bugs me… About there being an orchestrator for this festival or whatever. Do you know anything about that, Lowly Assistant?” 

“M-me? Not a thing…” 

…Now I had a whole new reason for wanting to get this job over with. 

Our second break-in to Undyne’s mansion was going as smoothly as the first. It helped that we now knew the layout of the house. Still, the fact that things had gone this well without any hiccups had to be related to the fact that I was with the goddess of good fortune herself. 

I hated to consider the possibility, but if I hadn’t tripped that alarm in the vault at the royal castle, things might have gone just as easily there. 

At length, we reached the same treasure room we had before. Standing in front of the hidden door, we nodded at each other. 

I pulled what would be our key item this time out of my pocket, then pushed open the secret door. As we entered the room, before Aigis had time to shout, I flung on the ground the crystal I had bought at the magic-item shop. 

When the crystal shattered, a special barrier surrounded the room. 

This was an item I had purchased not at Wiz’s shop, but at another magic-item place that sold things that were actually useful. 

What I had gotten was a magic crystal that temporarily put up a weak spirit barrier. It should prevent Aigis’s telepathy from traveling beyond this room. 

Chris came in after me, reaching into her backpack to pull out something else we had gotten at the magic-item shop, a cloth wrapping with a mild magic-blocking effect. We would wrap Aigis in it to prevent him from using his telepathy at all. 

<I wondered who could be bursting in here—if it isn’t the cat-burglar twins! You don’t take a hint very well, do you? C’mere, everyone! Get ’em!> 

Aigis started shouting the moment he saw us. I ignored him, loosening the chains that held him in place. 

<Hey, what are you—? You think you’ve got time for that?! A big, bad noble owns this house. If he catches you, it’s the death penalty, y’hear me? …Hey, it’s awfully quiet out there. What’s going on?> 

“Ha! You think we’d just wander back in here without a plan?” I said. “Your telepathy won’t reach the rest of the house. Too bad for you!” I laughed nastily, letting Aigis know that this was payback for last time. 

<What have you done?! Hey, stop, okay?! Parley! I demand parley!! You want my power, right?! Okay, if you find me a suitable owner, then I’ll cooperate with you! I’m willing to compromise on who it is; just work with me here!!> 

Aigis was begging us now; his flippant attitude had vanished. I removed another chain. 

“Too bad you didn’t say that the last time we were here, dumbass! I guarantee your next owner will be a man! A big, burly, macho type, so steel yourself!” 

<Don’t screw with me, kid! Stoppit! Just imagine if you were a sentient suit of armor! You wouldn’t want to be worn by some stinky dude, would you? Wouldn’t you rather defend a gorgeous young woman?!> 

“I sympathize, believe me, but you have no idea what you’ve put us through. Don’t expect us to go out of our way to accommodate you, jerk!” 

“L-Lowly Assistant, I know I’m in no position to judge, having argued with the armor last time, but you don’t sound very adult…” Chris backed away a little at the sight of me fighting with this inanimate object far more viciously than she ever had. 

<Ahhhhh! Nooo, nooooo! A woman! If someone has to wear me, I want it to be a woman! I don’t care if she’s a black-haired beauty or a golden-locked loli or a sexy redhead; any of them would be fine as long as she was female! Don’t you understand? Whoever wears me gets all sweaty in battle, and who wants that to be some guy?!> 

I had to admit I felt a twinge of empathy for the screeching Aigis. Covering the body of some filthy, clammy dude was a pretty unpleasant punishment, but… 

“Give it up already,” I said. “And by the way, making a scene on the way home won’t get you anywhere, okay? Chris there has some coverings that prevent weak magic from getting through. We’re going to wrap you in them to get you out of here. Speaking of which, you’re awfully demanding for an inanimate object. Selfishness and immobility don’t go well togeth—” 

As I spoke, I removed the last of Aigis’s chains. 

<Grrrahhh!> 

An impact on my chin set my head spinning. 

“L-Lowly Assistant?! W-wait just a second! How are you moving?!” 

I tried to listen to Chris while also grasping my wobbling head to steady it. I looked at Aigis, struggling to comprehend what was happening, when— 

<I’ve decided. I’m going on a journey. A journey to find the beautiful woman who can wear me. As much as I enjoyed my life here, being waxed by the maids every day, it’s always possible more clowns like you will show up. I’m going to find my own master.> 

What greeted my eyes was Aigis, now free of his chains, gently shadowboxing. 

And also talking crazy. 

Chris said desperately, “Wait just a minute, Aigis; this world needs your power! If you like, maybe I could wear you until we find you a new master…” 

<Fuuuck that! As if I would enjoy covering some thief who I can’t even tell if they’re a guy or a girl! I told you—I’m going to find my own master for myself, all right?! …If you really want, though, I could go down the checklist to see how compatible we are… Hmm, face: A rank. Job compatibility: C rank. I’m not even going to bother ranking your chest. Sorry, but it’s gonna be a ‘no’ from me…> 

“Grrr! I thought maybe you’d work with me if I played nice! But if that’s how you want to do this, we can use force! Bind!!” 

Chris had finally had enough. She flung the wire she kept at her hip at him. She was going to stop Aigis—! 

<Ooh, whatcha gonna do with that? You wanna tie me up? Boy, the cuties always turn out to be freaks in bed!> 

Except she didn’t. The wire fell limply to the ground. 

Aigis raised both hands and shrugged in a What can ya do? gesture, mocking Chris openly. 

“Bind!!” 

I activated the same skill, but my wire dropped to the ground, too. 

<Sure, just keep tryin’, kid. Don’t you get it yet? What do you take me for? I’m the legendary sacred armor Aigis, remember? The strongest, most magic-resistant, most skill-neutralizing, owner-healing, singingest, dancingest armor in the world. A couple of cut-rate pickpockets like you don’t have what it takes to beat me!> 

What a jerk! 

“Okay, Chief, I guess skills don’t work on him, but if they could hold him with chains, it must mean he’s not as strong as all that! Let’s pin him down and tie him up!” 

“R-right! I’ll come from the right; you come from the left!” 

Aigis adopted what almost looked like a karate pose. <Ooh, still wanna come at me? I’m the master of the iron fist—literally! My entire body is a weapon!> 

“Does this guy ever shut up?!” I exclaimed. “I’ve never heard armor squeak so loud! Grrrahhh!” 

Chris and I both jumped at Aigis at once, grabbing on to his torso. 

“Okay, got him!” Chris said. 

“Chief, let’s pull his arms clean off! Break him into pieces and stuff him in your backpack! If it looks like trouble, we could just leave the helmet here in this room!” 

<Hey, watch your mouth. My beautiful body doesn’t have a single seam, so you can’t break it apart—my master has to say a magic phrase when they put me on. If you want to carry me out of here, maybe wearing me would be the fastest way. The phrase is ‘I’m gonna be an armored girl, tee-hee!’ Go ahead—say it.> 

“I-I’m gonna be an armored—” 

“Chief, there’s no way that stupid phrase is the magic key; he’s just tricking you! Whoa, h-hey, this guy’s surprisingly strong…!” 

Aigis was trying to leave the room, dragging both of us along with him…! 

“Chief, this is bad! If he gets out of the room, we won’t be able to block his telepathy!” 

“Argh, c’mon—Aigis, for goodness’ sake! I’m Eris. The goddess responsible for this world! It’s my duty to oversee you, so please just come along quietly!” 

<Yeah, okay, sure. Pleased to meetcha… What a shame—you’ve got such a cute face. But what’s inside matters, too. I’ll try to keep that in mind as I look for my master.> 

“Excuse me?!” 

Chris was enraged not to be recognized as a real goddess. 

<Anyway, kids, it looks like this is where we say good-bye. If you want me so badly, sweetheart, first make yourself pretty enough to stop a man in his tracks. Work on that bust, especially. I know there are some guys out there who say they go gaga over a flat chest, but if you ask me, that’s loser talk.> 

“Grrrgh!” Chris clung to Aigis’s arm, red up to her ears, but the armor just walked out the door, dragging us along behind him. 

<Hey, everyone here at House Undyne—yeah, the ones who couldn’t even protect me, the world’s greatest treasure. It’s been nice hanging with y’all! Sorry I didn’t get a chance to ask first, but I’m heading out to find my master. If you want me back, get a girl ready, and make sure she’s a hottie! That’s when you’ll see me again!> 

The telepathy echoed throughout the entire house, strong enough to make my head hurt. 

<Whoo-hoo! I’m free! Free as I’ve ever been! Today, I might as well be a bird! Aigis Kick!! > 

Aigis shook us loose, ran out of the treasure room, and then jumped out a window that had to be at least three stories up. 

He had hardly finished jumping before lights started going on all over the house, and we heard shouting. The commotion he made had obviously woken up the household. 

“What’s going on?! Are there thieves again?!” 

“That was Aigis’s voice! Check the treasure room!” 

Crap, they’d be coming this way! 

Last time, we had torn the curtain off the window across from the vault and used it as a rope to escape. But maybe to stop the same thing from happening again, the curtain hadn’t yet been replaced. 

“Chief, we’re in deep here. We’re on the third floor with no way out. I move that we tie your Bind wire to that pillar and use it to climb down!” 

“You have a wire, too, Lowly Assistant. Maybe we should use yours!” 

“Mine is a super-expensive special-order wire! If they traced it, they could find me!” 

“Is that why you were so keen to get it back when you failed to Bind Aigis?! Well, mine’s special-order, too—extra-light. They’ll find us for sure!” 

“Brace yourself, Chief. It’s been a while since I got really serious, but I think now’s the time.” Then I steadied my breathing. 

“It’s not time to panic yet,” Chris said. “It’s all right; I’ll manage something. Don’t forget who I am. I’m the goddess of good fortune, right?” 

Chris gave me a mischievous smile, and that was when it happened. 

There was a flash from outside, and at the same time, every window in the Undyne household shattered. 

Along with the tinkling of glass came a roar that echoed throughout the summer night—a sound any inhabitant of our town would recognize immediately. 

7 

This was all the fault of that obnoxious armor. 

“Kazuma, come out! If you get out here right now, I can still let you off with a stern lecture!” 

Darkness was kicking furiously at the other side of the door. 

“How uncouth, Young Lady! If you wish to call yourself a young woman of the nobility, can you not conduct yourself with more restraint?!” 

I was leaning against the door as hard as I could, trying to prevent her from kicking it down. 

“Sure, this is the one time you want to treat me like a noble! Kazuma, get out here and explain yourself! Otherwise, Chris here will have to take your share of the punishment all by herself!” 

“Lowly Assistant, help meee!!” 

I could hear Chris’s voice on the other side of the door. But… 

“Sorry, Darkness, but that trick won’t work on me. Sure, that was Chris’s voice. But the chief I know and trust would never let herself be captured so easily. You had Aqua cast her party-trick magic on you so you could imitate Chris’s voice, didn’t you? Don’t underestimate my powers of deduction. That was you speaking just now!” 

“What are you talking about, Lowly Assistant?! You don’t have powers of deduction!!” 

Chris’s pained voice tried to counter my flawless logic. 

I was currently holed up at an inn. 

After Aigis’s breakout, Chris and I had slipped past the household staff, all shaken by the explosion, and after being pursued around town, we had ducked into a random inn… 

Darkness’s voice came again from beyond the door I was bracing myself against. “Kazuma, you can come out now! It’s just Chris and me, no police, nobody from Undyne’s house! Come on, your ‘chief’ or whatever is in big trouble—can you just leave her out here?” 

I said only: 

“Do what you like.” 

“Traitor!” Chris’s voice exclaimed. “Come on, Darkness—untie these ropes! I’ll help you drag my lowly assistant out of there!” 

“H-hey, are you really…?!” 

One hour later. 

Darkness had kicked down my door and taken me captive; now I sat, feet tucked under my behind, alongside Chris, whose upper body was bound with ropes. 

“So—tell me again why you did this. I told you before that if you would just explain what was going on, I could talk to people. Damn it all. The Undyne household got a good look at both of you, so now every adventurer in town, and others besides, are looking high and low for you so they can claim your bounty.” 

Darkness, who had given us a more or less fair hearing, was rubbing her temples as if she had a headache. 

Chris and I were both still tied up, so we had to use our chins to point at each other. 

“I said we should ask you, Darkness,” I said. “‘Darkness can use her influence to get the armor for us,’ I said. But the chief here—” 

“Huh?! Yes, I admit you said that, Lowly Assistant! But, Darkness, that noble came into possession of the Sacred Treasure by illegal means, and he’s not known for being a nice guy, and I was sure he would just play dumb if you asked him about it! And you were so busy being governor!” 

Darkness heaved a very long, very deep sigh. “However busy I was, I would have made time for you if it would have prevented you from committing a crime. And even if Undyne did get the armor illegally, nobles have their ways. If you offer them enough compensation, the profit motive usually takes over. And that…!” 

“Ow, ow, ow, ow! Darkness, stop! I’m sorry—I’ll be sure to ask you next time before I steal something!” 

“Not stealing is always an option, you know!” Darkness, furious, was pinning Chris’s temples between her fists. “Do you want to know what makes me angriest, though?” She fixed me with a piercing glare. “After what happened between you and me last night, you just wandered off to go thieving—that’s hardest of all to forgive! You could afford to act a little conflicted!! Think about how you behaved after that and imagine how I suffered from humiliation…!” 

“Aaaaaaghhh, it’s gonna break! You’re gonna crack my skull! I’m sorry; I’m so sorry; I was wrong! But if you were going to be so embarrassed, you shouldn’t have done something like that in the first place! You just kiss a guy and then stop halfway—I wasn’t exactly feeling great, either!” 

Darkness had me in a hawk-talon grip, and I thought my head was about to cave in…! 

“Pfwah!” 

That was when Chris suddenly made a very strange noise. Then she started to tremble, just enough that it was almost audible… 

“Whoawhoawhoawhoa… So all that stuff you were saying last night, Lowly Assistant—it was true…?! It really happened?! Darkness did give you a kiss?!” 

“Huh?! Chris, I don’t think that matters right now! Wait—Kazuma, you even told her about that?!” 

“What else was I supposed to do? She wouldn’t leave me alone about why I was late! Anyway, after everything you and I have done together, I think it’s a little late to be embarrassed over a kiss! You’ve even washed my back in the bath, and we’ve both seen each other naked. Hell, when I broke into your mansion, you were the one who suggested we become adults together!” 

“Ahhhh, Kazumaaaaaaa! Fine, I get it; let’s end this conversation right now—this isn’t the time for this anyway! Here, I’ll untie your bindings, so let’s just get out of here, and both of you try to help!” 

Darkness was glowing red as she hurried to undo the ropes. 

“I think I just heard something really incredible. Will someone please tell me what’s going on?! Have you two really gone that far?! Am I the only child here?!” 

“We can talk about that later, Chris! Here, I’ll untie you, too…” 

“Later, my foot! I need details! Come on, Darkness—why won’t you tell me? What happened to our friendship as women?!” 

I rubbed my wrists where the bindings had been as I observed the two girls, positions now thoroughly reversed. 

“Y-you don’t give up, do you, Chris? I told you—it doesn’t matter! Sheesh! You and Aqua and Megumin—why do all of you have to decide to cause trouble right when I’m the acting governor?” Darkness began rubbing her temples again. 

“…Huh?” I said. “You mean I’m not the only one? Aqua and Megumin did something, too?” 

“…Megumin is currently confined in a holding cell at the police station. Apparently, she cast explosion magic in town last night for no reason at all. I asked her again and again why she did it, but all she would say was ‘I never got to use my magic at the fireworks display, and I just wanted to let it out. I think my explosion magic was most beautiful of all, and I shall not repent, but I will pay for damages.’ I could hardly understand what she was talking about. I decided to let the police keep her until the festival is over.” 

The origin of the shock wave that had assaulted the Undyne household the night before had, of course, been Megumin. She had continued to look nervously back over her shoulder as she left us, and when she saw the lights go on in the house, she realized our theft had failed and, assuming we were in trouble, had used her magic. 

Then she had fallen over, immobile from using up all her MP, and was promptly arrested. 

I felt bad for her and resolved to make it up to her sometime. 

“Okay, so what about Aqua? What did she do?” 

Darkness frowned as if she didn’t want to answer that question. 

“Those Axis Church followers… They made so much more money at this festival than anticipated that…starting next year, they want to fund the entire celebration and make it solely the Aqua Appreciation Festival.”