Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? (LN) - Volume 6 - Chapter 2.3

MISFORTUNE IS A FUNNY THING 

She must be crazy, right? 

I mean, I suspected it for a while, but now I’m certain. 

She’s a little—no, extremely detached from humanity. 

I am referring, of course, to White, who’s currently looking at me with an expression of genuine puzzlement. 

You see, she’s just made a completely impossible request of me. 

And yet, she clearly doesn’t understand why I’m not going to do it. 

Even I can’t help getting angry. 

“Of course it’s impossible! Why would I use Attack Magic on myself?!” 

Yes, her absurd request was that I hurt myself with magic. 

Until I’m nearly out of MP, no less. 

It’s been over a month since this journey began. 

In that time, my stats and skills have shot up at a remarkable rate under White’s training, and now she’s asking me to take the next step in her little regimen. 

She even demonstrated by attacking herself with Dark Magic. 

Something that looked like black lightning struck her body, but White didn’t even react. 

She looked so calm about it that I figured it must not hurt, so I reached out and touched the lightning. 

In that instant, much to my horror, my hand went flying off. 

That’s right. My hand. Came off. 

Do you understand what I’m saying? 

As soon as I touched the lightning, my vision went black, and the next thing I knew, my hand was no longer attached to my wrist. 

I’ve never passed out from sheer terror before, not in this life or my previous one. 

When I woke up, my face was a mess of tears and snot, and Merazophis was holding me. 

And my missing hand was back where it belonged. 

I guess it was fixed with Healing Magic right away, but I had been in too much of a panic to realize it. 

Even once I returned to my senses, I still couldn’t stop my crying, and Merazophis had to cradle me reassuringly for a few more minutes. 

When I noticed that Merazophis’s clothes were now soaked and snotty, I almost wanted to die. 

And the moment I finally calmed down, White spoke up, completely oblivious to the mood. 

“Okay, now you try.” 

I’m not going to do that! 

That’s…that’s hardly any different from telling me to die. 

How can she demand that so calmly? 

The only explanation I have is that she’s crazy. 

And yet, she has the nerve to cock her head at me like she’s confused that I’m against it. 

Her expression hardly ever changes, but she gets her emotions across a little with gestures like this. She often did the same thing in our old world, too. 

As if she has no other way of expressing her feelings. 

Normally, that would seem disingenuous, but somehow when White does it, it’s almost charming. Beautiful people have all the luck. 

After considering my reaction, White assumes a pose like the Thinker statue. 

Immediately, an uncomfortable feeling assails my body. 

I know now that it’s the feeling that comes with being Appraised; I’ve felt it quite often since this journey started. 

Since it means someone else is reading your status, your personal information, it’s only natural that it would feel strange. 

I think White wants to figure out whether I can actually do what she wants. 

Then, evidently concluding that I should be able to do it, she tilts her head a little, still in the Thinker pose. 

She doesn’t get it. 

Whether I’m physically capable and whether I’m actually willing to do it are two entirely different things. 

I mean, anyone can jump off a cliff, right? 

But that doesn’t mean most people would do it simply because they were told to. 

What White’s saying isn’t far off from that, but she can’t fathom why I would refuse. 

Something’s wrong with her. 

I certainly don’t enjoy it when she trains me by walking me with her spider thread, but I accept it because there’s a fairly good reason for it. 

Although even then, it’s not like White was the one who told me the reason. Ariel had to explain it to me for her. 

White would rather either force me to do it without explanation or give a demonstration and then order me to do the same, just like this time. 

Either way, she never explains the logic behind her demands. 

“Listen, White. I think you’re gonna have to explain it this time or she’s not gonna do it, okay?” 

As usual, Ariel steps in to reason with her. 

But White doesn’t answer or explain. 

“Oh, all right. I’ll explain, then. Hitting yourself with Attack Magic is meant to train both your magic skills and resistance skills. Your magic skills will improve because you’re casting the spell, and your resistance skills will improve because you’re enduring the hit. Two birds with one stone, right? Of course, your resistance technically goes up anyway when you use magic or other skills of the corresponding attribute, but it’s seriously an itty-bitty amount, so it makes sense to try to actively raise both at once. That being said, most people aren’t crazy enough to train by harming themselves.” 

Thanks to Ariel’s explanation, now I understand the point of the training. 

But, exactly as she said, I doubt most people would be crazy enough to try this. 

Causing yourself massive, near-fatal injury to raise a resistance skill that’s meant to reduce the amount of damage you take? Isn’t that putting the cart before the horse? 

“Ah, that explanation isn’t really cutting it for you, is it, Sophia? I’m sure you’re wondering why anyone would put their life on the line just to raise their skills. But what happened earlier was only because White’s magic is so strong—normally, you wouldn’t use such an intense attack. Since you’re the one casting the spell, you can make it as strong or as weak as you like, really.” 

My eyes widen at that. 

When I think about Ariel’s words for a minute, not to mention the strength of my own magic, it finally makes sense. 

Of course. It’s not like I’d actually have to use magic so strong that it could blow off my hand like earlier. 

In fact, I’m not even capable of that in the first place. 

And even if I could, of course I wouldn’t use it on myself. 

I was under a mistaken assumption the entire time. 

So all I have to do is use magic weak enough that I can bear it, right? 

When I finally figure that out, all my panicking suddenly seems pitiful. 

It’s so simple, but I was blathering away that I couldn’t do it. 

No wonder White was tilting her head at me! 

I’m so embarrassed! 

“I’m sorry.” 

I made a huge fuss based on a wrong assumption. The least I can do is apologize. 

“Nah, I can’t really blame you after what happened, especially since White didn’t explain a damn thing. She should’ve at least waited for you to calm down a little before she started going off. But she doesn’t really know how to be that tactful.” 

Ariel half glares at White, who seems to recoil a little. 

Maybe she actually feels bad? 

I thought she might even apologize for blowing off my hand and all, but in the end, White didn’t open her mouth. 

Our journey seems to be going well. 

That being said, our destination, Sariella’s capital, is still far away. 

Keren County, where we once lived, is at the very edge of Sariella. 

The capital is somewhere in the middle, but Sariella is a rather large country, so of course it’s a considerable distance away. 

And since our group has to match its pace with mine, we’re not getting anywhere fast. 

I’m somehow walking with the help of the mysterious power of stats, but that doesn’t make my legs any longer. 

Naturally, the distance I can travel is a lot shorter than an adult. 

It doesn’t help that, since we’re trying to keep from being seen, we’re traveling through harsh mountains, dense forests, and so on, not anywhere with nice, easy paths. 

I’ve even gotten used to sleeping outside, although it helps that we get to stay in a town once in a while. 

Yet for some reason, every time we visit a town, Merazophis always looks unhappy. 

I’ve asked him a few times what’s the matter, but he only ever says that “everything is fine.” 

I’m sure he just doesn’t want to worry me, but it only makes me even more certain that something is definitely wrong. 

I wish he would talk to me about it, but Merazophis feels an obligation to protect me at all times. He doesn’t want to trouble his “master” with his own personal problems, so instead, he bottles them up inside. 

But seeing him suffering on his own still ends up troubling me… 

Isn’t there anything I can do for Merazophis? 

He’s helped me so much, I’d love to return the favor at least a little. 

Without Merazophis, I’m sure I’d be done by now. 

And I mean that both physically and mentally. 

If Merazophis hadn’t put his life on the line to protect me, I would’ve been killed that day by Potimas the elf. 

And even after finding out that I’m a reincarnation and a vampire, he’s still continued to put me first in everything he does. 

I can’t even say how much that has helped me. 

Merazophis is the only reason I’ve been able to get through these circumstances without breaking. 

Because of him, I’ve been able to accept this world for what it is without trying to escape. 

When I first reincarnated here, I told myself that this world was just a dream or something. 

After all, it clearly wasn’t Japan, had strange things like “stats,” and most of all, I was a vampire. 

It wasn’t easy to accept that this is my new reality. 

Surely, having my old self reset and being forced to start over in this bizarre new world was just a bad dream. 

But no matter how long it went on, I didn’t wake up, and I had to acknowledge that this was reality. 

I vowed to start a new life in this new world, with my new parents. 

And then they both died. 

Right after I’d vowed to put aside my feelings about my old life and move forward, I lost nearly everything all over again. 

A reset after a reset. 

It’s no surprise I really wanted to run away from reality this time. 

But Merazophis is the one who saved me from that. 

I lost everything else, but Merazophis stayed with me. 

He became the proof that there was a time when I lived in that mansion and was loved by those parents, no matter how short it might have been. 

Because he is here to remind me of that, I can keep my eyes on reality. 

Merazophis saves me simply by existing. 

I can’t ever thank him enough. 

Which is why I want him to put aside his worries about our roles and let me help him. 

“But no matter how many times I ask him, he just won’t answer. Do you have any idea what might be troubling Merazophis, Miss Ariel?” 

“Uh… Hmm.” 

I’m asking Ariel for advice. 

It’s the middle of the day, and the sun is shining brightly. 

But Ariel and I are the only ones awake. 

As vampires, Merazophis and I are nocturnal, so other than when we visit a town, we’ve naturally started doing most of our travel at night. 

Thus, Merazophis is now resting in the shade. 

White is resting, too, in a cocoon of sorts made from white thread. 

Apparently, it’s a “simple home” made of spider thread. 

White has Status Condition Nullification, which includes Exhaustion Nullification, so technically she doesn’t have to sleep. 

However, that really just means that not sleeping doesn’t have any negative effects for her; she still gains the benefits of sleep, like physical healing. 

Most of all, sleeping still feels good, so she does it when she’s in the mood, as far as I can tell. 

Since the two of them are asleep, it’s the perfect chance to get advice. 

I can’t talk about it in front of Merazophis himself, of course, and I don’t want White to hear it. 

Besides, given how silent and expressionless she is, I doubt she’d understand such a delicate topic. 

Despite Ariel’s youthful appearance, she has countless years of experience, and she always looks after us like our elder, so I feel safe consulting her. 

“Hrmmm.” 

This time, however, she only frowns after listening to my question, not giving me a clear answer. 

Does she not know what’s bothering Merazophis? 

Or is it that she does know, and it’s so serious that she’s hesitant to reveal it to me? 

“Miss Ariel, is Merazophis’s problem that serious?” I ask nervously. 

“Yeah, I suppose so,” she responds frankly. “But it’s not like his life is in danger or anything. It’s not the kind of thing that’s going to cause immediate problems. But it’s not the kind of thing that can be solved immediately, either.” 

I seriously can’t tell if she’s trying to reassure me or make me worry even more. 

After a moment of silence, Ariel opens her mouth again. 

“To be perfectly honest, there’s nothing you can do about it.” 

That’s hard for me to accept. 

But I think Ariel knew it would be when she said it. I don’t normally hear her speak so firmly. 

“In fact, if you try to get involved, it might only make things more complicated. And by ‘might,’ I mean ‘definitely will.’ So I understand you’re worried, but all you can do right now is give him space.” 

Me getting involved would make it more complicated? 

What does that mean? 

“I’m sure it’s frustrating, but the best thing you can do for him is nothing at all. Sticking your nose in it will only make things worse. I understand that when someone you care about is suffering, you want to help them, but this is one situation where you’ll have to pretend like nothing’s wrong. I think you acting normal would be the best thing for Merazophis right now. He’ll likely figure it out on his own, little by little, so try not to worry.” 

I don’t really understand what Ariel’s saying. 

Since I don’t know what’s bothering Merazophis so much, the whole thing is very vague. 

But I do get the gist of what she wants from me: don’t do anything. 

Part of me does want to reject that, of course, but her statement that I would only make things worse stops me in my tracks. 

I want to help, but I’d make things more “complicated.” 

So all I can do is stay quiet? 

“Can’t you at least tell me what’s bothering Merazophis so much? Please?” 

Knowing would make it easier to accept that I can’t help. 

“Sorry, but I think you’re better off not knowing, sooo…nope.” 

It sounds like she’s mocking me. 

“Please don’t joke about this!” 

My tone via Telepathy gets angry, but her response is surprisingly serious. 

“I’m not really trying to,” she says simply. “It’s just better this way. Like I said before, it’s best if you don’t get involved in this situation, both for Merazophis’s sake and your own.” 

For my own sake? 

“That’s all I can tell you. I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel much better, but you gotta trust Merazophis and wait for now.” 

Despite my stubbornness, Ariel doesn’t seem willing to say any more. 

“Or do you not trust Merazophis, Little Miss Sophia?” 

…That’s playing dirty. 

Ariel can be very unfair sometimes. 

I don’t know if it’s because of her age, but she has a tendency to say things in a way that makes it impossible to argue. 

“Of course I do,” I answer reluctantly. 

What else am I supposed to say? 

I do trust Merazophis. 

Since she put it that way, it seems like I really do have no choice but to trust him and wait. 

“Glad to hear it. To be honest, I didn’t know what I was gonna do if you kept bugging me to tell you. I don’t want to tell you, of course, but you can be almost as awkward as White when it comes to dealing with other people, y’know? I’m afraid if you find out, you won’t be able to hide it, and that’ll make things awkward between you and Merazophis for sure.” 

Her serious attitude vanishes, and Ariel snickers as she teases me. 

“Please don’t compare me to White. Her issues go far beyond being ‘awkward,’ don’t you think?” Getting annoyed, I respond crossly without thinking. 

It’s true that no one would say I’m good with people. 

But I’m not like White, who doesn’t make any effort to interact with others in the first place. 

I did try to connect with others; it just never worked because of my appearance. 

“Yeah? Hmm. I’ve been wondering for a while… Why are you so hostile toward White anyway?” 

Ariel tilts her head at me, not unlike White’s pose when she doesn’t understand something. 

“What do you mean, ‘why’? Isn’t it obvious?” 

Ariel just tilts her head even farther. 

“Uh, I don’t think it’s as obvious as you think it is. I mean, White saved your life, didn’t she? Why do you hate her so much?” 

That makes me stop and think. 

She’s right. 

White really did save my life. 

But instead of being grateful, I just hate her. 

From Ariel’s perspective, I’m the one being unreasonable! 

“But, well, she’s been so awful to me during this entire journey…” 

“She’s not doing it for no reason, though. We don’t know what might happen in the future, so she’s trying to train up your stats and skills while we have the chance. I mean, yeah, her Spartan methods are a little over-the-top, but her intentions are still in the right place—she’s just a bit weird, that’s all. You know that, right? There’s no reason to be so dead set against her.” 

Ariel counters my excuse without missing a beat. 

“I think her training is a good idea, too. There’s a lot more fighting in this world than the one you guys came from. Bulking up now is a good move. That’s why White decided to train you and why I didn’t stop her. Frankly, I think that makes White a lot nicer and more thoughtful than I am.” 

That’s definitely not true. 

I want to say that, but I manage to swallow those words. 

Is that really what White is thinking? 

If I look back objectively on everything White’s done, like Ariel says, it does seem like she’s simply trying to help me. 

My stats and skills really have grown at an incredible rate. 

But somehow, I can’t accept it. 

“I can’t deny that it’s been hard on you, though. Guess it’s just one of those things, eh? Like when a mother is harsh on her child to make them stronger.” 

“Don’t compare her to my mother!” I shout via Telepathy without thinking. 

The first person who came to mind was my mother in my old life. 

Then my mother in this one. 

Both of them were admirable people. 

I can’t bear to think of White as being on their level. 

“Sorry, sorry. Bad example.” Ariel apologizes meekly. “But I do think it’s a bit cruel to denounce the person who saved your life. What kind of person would do that?” 

Those words hit me like a slap in the face. 

Part of it is that I’ve never heard Ariel’s voice sound so cold before. 

But most of all, she’s so right that I have no choice but to acknowledge that I’m the one in the wrong. 

It doesn’t really take a lot of deep thinking to figure that out, does it? 

From a neutral point of view, openly despising the person who saved me just makes me seem incredibly ungrateful. 

Like a terrible person. 

I’ve been arguing with Ariel because I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but that’s only made me seem even worse. 

People often idolize someone who saved their lives, but who ever heard of hating them? 

So why have I been harboring such anger toward her? 

I already know the answer. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Not sure what you’re apologizing for, but shouldn’t you be saying it to White, not me?” 

“Yes, I suppose so…” 

I have to admit it. 

The ridiculous reason for my hatred toward White. 

“I was…jealous.” 

That’s the only reason I hate her so much. 

I was jealous. 

No, I still am. 

In my old life, I was incredibly jealous of Hiiro Wakaba’s stunning good looks. 

And I carried that jealousy into this world, causing me to hate White, even though she saved my life. 

That’s all. A simple, terrible reason. 

It’s not like Hiiro Wakaba ever wronged me. 

Aside from being in the same class, we barely had any kind of relationship at all. 

Nonetheless, I harbored a one-sided jealousy and hatred toward her. 

And when I was reincarnated, just as I vowed to turn over a new leaf and literally start life anew, I was reunited with the very person I hated so much. 

Right when I was losing everything I had, no less. 

Not to mention, she was one of the main catalysts that caused the battle that took it all away from me, wasn’t she? 

My feelings from my old life and my fury at losing everything. 

I took it all out on the nearest scapegoat. 

Even if that happened to be someone who saved my life. 

I’d lost it all, yet White still had the same beauty as in her old life, while also being incredibly powerful. 

It just didn’t seem fair. 

But from White’s point of view, it must seem like I’m lashing out for no reason. 

“Even after being reborn, I’m still an awful person.” 

Little by little, I tell Ariel about my old life. 

Since I’m just saying whatever comes to mind, I’m sure it’s pretty incoherent and hard to follow. 

But Ariel still listens quietly until the end. 

Perhaps that’s why I hold on to hope that she’ll have words of comfort for me. 

The scathing remark that comes out instead sends me into shock. 

“Sophia, are you stupid?” 

“What?!” 

“Rather, you don’t seem to have any imagination when it comes to other people’s situations. Although I should’ve known that already from the fact that you don’t know what’s bothering Merazophis.” 

Ariel looks down at me like a teacher staring at an incompetent pupil. 

“You only really think about yourself, Sophia. You think you’ve got it worse than anyone, which is exactly why you don’t think of other people. Even right now. You’re boo-hooing about how you’re awful or whatever, but that kind of fake self-loathing is just a way of shirking the blame for your own actions. You think just because you acted sorry, you don’t have to do anything else. That’s how you try to justify it, right?” 

Ariel’s assessment is merciless. 

Her words devastate me. I can only stare in shock, not even trying to defend myself. 

“That really is awful, just like you said.” 

I turn pale when she delivers the finishing blow. 

If Ariel hates me, I’m doomed. 

If she abandons Merazophis and me, what are we going to do? 

I’ve been so terrible to White, I doubt she’d help us. 

It’s only then that I finally realize. 

When I think about it, I really am being awful. 

Like it or not, I finally accept that everything Ariel’s said is true. 

Now I really am starting to hate myself, not just in the artificial way Ariel accurately described. 

“Still, that doesn’t change the fact that you’ve gone through some really horrible circumstances. Don’t worry—it’s not like I’m going to dump you now.” 

Somehow, Ariel guesses at my worries and reassures me. 

I’m relieved but also disgusted with myself for being so easy to read. 

I guess my thoughts are so shallow that anyone can figure them out. 

Ariel sighs. “Maybe I said a bit too much, huh? You’re still just a kid. I guess I can be a little childish myself.” 

Evidently realizing that I really am depressed now, she scratches her head awkwardly. 

A kid? I suppose I am a kid compared to Ariel, and I am still technically a baby, but it nonetheless hurts to hear it out loud. 

It’s like she doesn’t think of me as my own person. 

To Ariel, I must be no more than a difficult child. 

“Putting yourself first isn’t necessarily a bad thing, y’know. In fact, I think most people are the same way. But you can’t let yourself get so self-obsessed that you look down on other people. There’s bound to be some folks you don’t like, of course, but the adult thing to do is just suck it up and try to get along anyway. So try thinking about your relationship with White from a neutral point of view, why don’t you? Not that I’m one to talk, since I don’t exactly have the easiest relationship with her myself.” 

That last part is said with a wry tone, but the rest is more like a scolding. 

I obediently review my relationship with White without taking my emotions into account. 

In our old world, we frankly didn’t have any relationship to speak of. 

Our first interaction in this world was when she saved me from attacking bandits. 

After that, she built a nest near the town where I lived, and she stayed there. 

Although she hasn’t said so herself, I suspect she did this to protect me from the elves. For one thing, Ariel once made a comment to that effect. 

Most importantly, when the elf called Potimas was about to kill me, she saved my life. 

And even now, she travels with me and keeps me safe. 

…She’s been doing nothing but helping me all this time. 

And I haven’t done anything in return. 

Without thinking, I voice the question on my mind. 

“Why do you think White would do all that for me?” 

“Not sure. I don’t really understand her, to be honest. She might have some reason behind it, or there might be no reason at all.” 

The tone of her response is joking, but it seems like she really doesn’t know. 

Thinking back, White’s been doing things for me this whole time without ever expecting anything in return. 

All in spite of my bad attitude. 

In fact, she’s been so devoted, it’s almost creepy. 

It’s exactly like Ariel said: When someone receives some kind of free service, they can’t help suspecting an ulterior motive behind it. 

White’s kindness toward me has been so excessive that I find myself wondering what her motive is. 

Ariel even said herself that the reason she’s been kind to Merazophis and me is because White seems to like us. 

I do think that Ariel’s genuine kindness as a person has something to do with it as well, but it’s not like she was lying about that, either. 

The fact is that White is the reason Ariel decided to look after us. 

If White didn’t care about us, even the kind Ariel might not have considered helping us out. 

So why does White seem to care about our well-being so much in the first place? 

Because of our old lives? 

Is that a good enough reason to do this much for us? 

We were nothing more than classmates. Why would she do all this for someone she hardly ever interacted with? 

If our roles were reversed, I doubt I would have done the same. 

In fact, I couldn’t have. 

I would have never risked my life to take on an opponent like Potimas for someone I barely knew. 

If she really did do that for no other reason than the goodness of her heart… 

Well, the word saint comes to mind. 

At the same time, I remember that she healed the ills and injuries of the townspeople for free and wound up being worshipped for it. 

Before she was an arachne, when she looked like nothing more than a spider monster, she was accepted and admired by the townspeople. 

Of course, the fact that they happened to follow a religion that worships a spider as a Divine Beast of the Goddess probably had something to do with it, but I think White’s humanity played a big part, too. 

I always thought that looks were everything. 

But if that was true, how could White get accepted? 

In this life and the last, was White really admired only because of her appearance? 

No. 

Our old world aside, in this world, White was admired even when she was a spider monster. 

She certainly wasn’t welcomed because of her appearance. 

It was her character and actions that made the people of the town acknowledge and worship her. 

I’ve been in her good graces all along, yet I hated and envied her for no good reason. 

Ariel was right. I really am just a stupid kid. 

“I’ll start working on changing my attitude from now on.” 

“Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. Change like that doesn’t happen overnight, right? You gotta get used to it over time.” 

I breathe a sigh of relief at Ariel’s affirmation. 

I can’t completely change right away, but I’ll try to be nicer to White from now on. 

I thought having good looks meant you were a winner at life, but no matter how good you might look on the outside, you’ll always be ugly if that’s how you are on the inside. 

I still think people who say they don’t care about appearance are lying, but I was going too far in the other direction, caring only about how people look. 

If someone is beautiful both on the inside and outside, that’s when they really start to shine. 

But I never realized that. 

If I’d gone on without ever noticing that truth, I’m sure I would’ve kept getting uglier. 

“I’ll try to become the kind of person who thinks of others, like you and White.” 

“R-right…” 

For some reason, Ariel’s expression turns strange. 

“Does White think of other people? Uh… Hmm? But I mean, thinking about everything she’s done so far… Hrm. I don’t know.” 

What is she muttering about? 

“Ugh. I just don’t understand her! But as far as you’re concerned, I figured she just helped you because you’re a reincarnation, too…” 

“But would she really go this far if that was the whole reason?” 

“Who knows? You’d have to ask White herself. Ah, but I dunno, maybe she was just excited.” 

“Excited? About what?” 

“Well, she had just survived hell when she met a fellow reincarnation. Maybe she got so worked up that she saved you without thinking.” 

Doubts fly through my mind as I try to understand what Ariel is saying. 

“White is a spider monster, remember? And she was born in the Great Elroe Labyrinth, the biggest and most dangerous dungeon in the world. She had her work cut out for her just surviving in a place like that. Didn’t you ever wonder how she got so strong in the first place?” 

I suppose it is strange now that I think about it. 

“Well, to put it simply, she had to be strong if she wanted to live. It’s not like she was born with all that power. She needed to get stronger to survive, so that’s what she did. Even if it meant attacking herself with magic to raise her resistance skills. No normal person would think of that, let alone actually do it, but she had to do crazy things if she wanted to live in there. That’s it.” 

I remember the sight of her covered in magic so powerful that it blew my hand off. 

My first thought at the time was that she was crazy. 

But after that, Ariel explained my misunderstanding, and I felt embarrassed about my mistake. 

When I actually tried it out, though, my opinion changed again. 

I know I’m flip-flopping here, but I really do think that method is crazy. 

Even using weak magic on myself sent me writhing on the ground in pain. 

Of course it did. 

These spells are meant for attacking. 

The goal is to harm the target, so of course it’s going to hurt, even if the target is yourself. 

White seemed crazy for being able to do that to herself without her expression changing in the slightest. Why would anyone ever resort to such extreme measures to raise their skills? 

I certainly wouldn’t have done it if I wasn’t essentially being forced. 

But what if I was in such a dangerous environment that I had no other choice? 

“When she escaped that place and met a fellow human from her old world, she was so excited, she decided to do you a favor. It’s a possibility, at least.” 

Ariel doesn’t sound entirely certain. 

White is the only person who would know what she was thinking, of course. 

But now I know with certainty that White went through some really hard times. 

“So White’s life has been at least as hard as mine, maybe even worse.” 

She worked herself to the bone to obtain all that strength, and here I am whining that it’s unfair. 

It never occurred to me what White might have gone through to become that powerful. 

“Well, it’d be pointless to debate who’s had it worse. I just want you to know that White’s life hasn’t been easy, either. I’m not asking you to share her excitement about finding a fellow reincarnation, but I wouldn’t want you to be on bad terms forever, y’know?” 

“Of course.” 

I agree, because I can’t help imagining it. 

Escaping from hell and finding someone from the same world as me. 

What if that person wound up being cold toward me? 

If I was in that position, my heart might break. 

It’s all too clear to me now how awful I’ve been toward White. 

I repaid her kindness with hatred and thought I was in the right? How could I be such an idiot? 

If I’d thought about it at all, I would have realized how wrong I was. 

That just shows all I ever thought about was myself and I never wondered about other people. 

Does that mean if I give a little thought to Merazophis’s problems, I might figure that out, too? 

“All right. You should get to sleep. Otherwise, you’re not gonna make it through your next round of hard-core training with White.” 

Ariel’s words dispel the idea before I can think about it any further. 

“All right. Good night.” 

My mind is churning with so many thoughts that I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep, but soon exhaustion takes over and my consciousness slips away. 

My last thought as I drift off to sleep is that I’ll apologize to White for my behavior when I wake up.