Kumo Desu ga, Nani ka? (LN) - Volume 9 - Chapter 1

ARRIVAL IN THE DEMON REALM 

The cart trundles along, pulled by two earth wyrms. 

We’re on a rough dirt road, so of course bouncing around in the cart feels just awful. 

The ride’s so bumpy that if you opened your mouth, you’d probably bite your tongue, so none of us are talking much. The only sound is the clunking and clattering of the cart. 

Me? 

I’m a grogger, so what? 

You know, grogger. Because I’m super-groggy. 

Heh-heh-heh. Pretty clever turn of phrase, if I do say so myself. 

Typical me, right? I’m such a genius. 

“You look like you’re gonna die, White. Wanna take a break?” 

The Demon Lord’s saying something. But look! I’m doing so well that I just coined a new word. Bwa-ha-ha! 

“…Um, White? Hello? Uh-oh. She’s barely even conscious.” 

Hmph. Stupid Demon Lord. What do you know? 

As if I could be knocked out by the mere bouncing of a cart! 

“Lady Ariel, we will reach our next planned stop soon. Would you prefer to take a break before then?” 

Mera’s voice calls from the coachman’s seat. 

Sounds like he’s suggesting we should just hang in there until we reach our destination. 

“All right. Let’s just get the rest of the way there while White’s passed out, then.” 

“Very well. I shall continue.” 

Come on! I told you, I’m totally awake over here! 

The cart continues bouncing all the way to our destination: the first town we would visit in the demon territory. 

“This isn’t quite what I pictured.” 

When I wake up in our room at the inn, the first thing I hear is Vampy complaining. 

Wait, what?! I’m up? I mean…of course I am. I was fully conscious the whole time. 

I didn’t pass out, okay? That never happened. 

Anyway, I wonder what Vampy doesn’t like about the place. Oh wait, she’s about to tell me whether I ask or not. 

“It’s too normal,” she says. 

I glance around the room, appraising the decor. A little fancy, maybe, but otherwise not that different from your average human inn. 

Maybe it’s different on the outside? I glance out the window at the town, but there’s nothing special about the street below us, either. 

Hmm. Well, I guess I understand what Vampy’s disappointed about, then. 

The words land of demons do call to mind something a little more sinister, don’t they? 

Y’know, like a gloomy place that’s permanently cloudy and buildings covered in ivy like a witch’s house. There should also be a bunch of inhuman creatures around to give the place a real sense of chaos. 

But what do we get instead? 

The shimmering, shining, sadistic sun. 

Damn you! Your wretched light reaches this place, too?! Give it a rest already! 

Ahem. 

Anyway, all the buildings are normal, too. They’re not exactly sparkling clean, but they seem to be maintained well enough, so there’s no creeping vines or anything. 

And the people walking around are all totally humanoid, no horns or wings among them. 

The only key point to remind you we’re not on Earth is their crazy-colorful hair. It looks a little ridiculous, but there were some colorful people in the human territories, too, so this isn’t even a sight exclusive to the demon realm. 

In other words, despite being home to demons, this place is no different from your average human town. 

You wouldn’t even know you were in demon territory if someone didn’t tell you. 

I mean, I guess some human towns had local differences, so it’s not exactly the same, but still. 

If I had to say, the demon lands most closely resembles the empire in human territory. 

Aside from the whole humans-versus-demons thing, the empire and the demon realm are basically neighbors, so it makes sense that they would resemble each other. 

Right, right. That makes sense. 

…Well, I’m convinced, but Vampy still looks displeased, so I guess that’s not good enough for her. 

“Surprised? Demons don’t actually look any different from humans.” 

Draped across the sofa, the Demon Lord swirls wine around in a glass, wearing a smug Gotcha! expression. 

…So she held back on teaching us anything about demons for the sole purpose of surprising us? 

We’ve been learning bits and pieces of demon language on the way here, since it’d be tough to get by if we couldn’t talk. 

But it occurs to me now that in all those lessons, there was a distinct lack of any concrete information about demon culture or general appearance. She spent literal years withholding information from us all for this minor prank. 

Leave it to the old lady. You don’t live for a ridiculously long time without building up a stupid amount of patience. 

“White, why do I get the feeling you’re thinking something really rude about me right now?” 

Non, non, madame. I would never do such a thing. 

“They look the same? So what’s the difference between humans and demons, then?” 

Good question, Vampy. 

“Oh, there are lots of differences. The biggest one is their life span. Demons live way longer than humans. Still not as long as elves, though.” 

Just the word elf is enough to make Vampy scowl. She’s starting to develop a visceral hatred of them, I think. 

“Also, their stats improve a great deal quicker than humans’. If a human and a demon did the same training, the demon would usually have the advantage.” 

Vampy, who was listening curiously, furrows her brow at that. “So all the differences are in demons’ favor? Doesn’t that mean humans can’t possibly beat them, then?” 

Demons have longer lives and better stats. That alone would seem to indicate that humans don’t stand a chance of winning. 

But for some reason, humans and demons have a long history of warring back and forth. 

The explanation for this turns out to be almost disappointingly simple. 

“Demons have a way smaller population than humans.” 

So although humans have the upper hand on a one-on-one basis, they can’t beat humans because they’re greatly outnumbered. 

The demons have quality, and the humans have quantity. These things balance each other out, which is why the fighting never ends. 

“Demons have long lives but a low birth rate, so their population doesn’t go up. They’re superior to humans in almost every way except for that, so I guess you could say it’s their only weakness.” 

I guess no matter how skilled the individuals might be, that can get you only so far. If they can’t increase their population, they’ll be permanently short on manpower. 

Numbers really are important. You need enough people if you want to get anything done. 

You can’t just have soldiers to fight on the front lines. You need people back home growing food, too. 

Whether it’s agriculture, animal husbandry, or hunting, you need a system to reliably feed everyone before you can even think about going to war. 

“And right now, the demons are in the middle of a pretty serious population crisis. So they’re in no position to go to war with humans. 

“Not that any of that’s my problem,” the Demon Lord mutters, gulping down the rest of her wine. Then, abruptly, she calls out toward the door. “Come in already, will ya?” 

I’m the only one startled by her sudden shout. Everyone else just looks at the door with composed expressions. 

I guess all of them were able to sense that someone was behind the door. 

Dammit! This is the problem with people who have high stats and tons of skills. 

I didn’t notice a damn thing! 

Unreal. 

“…Pardon me.” 

After a moment, the door opens from the outside, and an aging man steps into the room. 

His clothes aren’t crazy gaudy, but you can definitely tell at a glance that they’re super–high quality. 

A couple people who are clearly attendants follow the man into the room. 

Okay, this guy’s definitely a big shot. 

And then that big shot walks up to the Demon Lord and kneels. 

KNEELS?! 

This super-important-looking dude is totally kneeling! 

And so are his attendants! 

The old guy and his crew are kneeling in front of a girl who looks like a minor. 

When you put it that way, this is super-weird! 

“We have eagerly anticipated your return.” 

“Yeah, thanks.” 

So casual! 

That’s a pretty offhanded response to this big shot’s grand welcome, Demon Lord! 

See? He didn’t react, but a few of his attendants twitched. You’re totally wrecking the mood here! 

“Oh, I’ll introduce you to everyone. Guys, this is Erguner, the lord in charge of this area of the demon realm. Since this bit borders human lands, he’s basically the ruler of the frontier. This guy’s kind of an old-timer among demons, a skilled commander who’s been fending off human invasions for ages.” 

Um, Demon Lord? 

I know you’re complimenting him, but it’s kinda weird to explain things to us like he’s not even here, don’t you think? 

Especially if you’re gonna refer to him as this guy and all that. 

Look, one of his attendants is even balling up a fist and trembling with rage. 

“All righty, stand up and introduce yourself.” 

“Right away, my lord!” 

The Demon Lord orders Erguner around obliviously, but he obeys without a flicker of displeasure. 

“Thank you for the generous introduction. I am called Erguner Ricep. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.” 

With that short introduction, Erguner faces us and gives a stiff bow. 

Yeah, you can totally tell from his brisk movements that he’s a military guy. 

Kinda makes me want to call him “Colonel,” so I’m just gonna do that from now on. 

“Colonel” has a competent, reliable sort of ring to it, don’t you think? “Major” sounds more like a schemer who works from the shadows. 

Mr. Erguner doesn’t just look competent. It sounds like he really is, too. 

I can’t imagine that they’d put someone incompetent in charge of protecting the border dividing the human and demon realms. 

And this skilled, high-ranking man is kneeling in front of the Demon Lord. 

Then again, she is the Demon Lord, after all. She’s the most important demon of all, so I guess it’s only natural that other demons would kneel before her. 

But still…she’s the Demon Lord. 

She doesn’t really look the part, does she? 

And she doesn’t act the part, either. 

Huh? You’re saying it’s because her personality’s been massively influenced by my former body brain that merged with her? 

I can’t heeear yooou. 

“So? Whaddaya want?” 

“Pardon me! The moment I heard that you had returned to our land, I hurried here to greet you. I beg your forgiveness for intruding upon your personal time, but I felt it would be far more disrespectful not to show my face as your faithful retainer.” 

The Colonel stays on one knee as he addresses the Demon Lord. 

Wait, what? You came all the way here just to greet this weirdo? 

Meaning you left your important post as guardian of this borderland? 

Does that mean the Demon Lord is so intimidating that around here, people feel like they have to bend over backward for her? 

“Much appreciated. Sorry you had to interrupt your work just to do that.” 

The Demon Lord doesn’t look apologetic in the least as she reclines on the sofa. 

Wow, she’s even holding out her wineglass to Mera for a refill. 

C’mon, Mera. Don’t humor her. 

“Well, as you can see, I’m on a break at the moment. Since you already greeted me, you can go back to your regular work now. We’re gonna stay here for two or three days, then head for the heartlands. I wanna talk to you before then, so make some time tomorrow or something, ’kay?” 

So she apologizes for interrupting his work, then demands that he make time for her tomorrow in the same breath? She’s a demon lord, all right. 

Man, talk about a self-absorbed boss! 

It can’t be easy to clear your schedule when you have an important post like the marcher lord of a border territory. 

“Understood. Shall we meet tomorrow after you’ve taken lunch, perhaps?” 

So you do have time?! 

Oh, wait. Judging by the way the Colonel’s attendant is looking at him, he probably doesn’t actually have the time. 

I’m sure that attendant is frantically trying to figure out how to fix the schedule that the Demon Lord just ruined. 

“Yeah, sure. See ya then.” 

The Demon Lord nonchalantly confirms their post-lunch meeting. 

“Then I shall take my leave at once. Please relax to your heart’s content.” 

“Thanks. Think you could get me some more booze and snacks or something?” 

“I shall make arrangements at once. If there is anything else you need, please speak to the servants who have been assigned to you.” 

The Colonel responds to the Demon Lord’s shameless request without the slightest change in expression. 

Talk about a model subordinate. 

He bows and leaves the room, followed by his attendants. 

Once they’re gone, nobody speaks for a while. 

“…So that’s what it’s like to have power and influence,” Vampy mutters, quietly but unmistakably. 

She’s obviously reevaluating her appraisal of the Demon Lord. 

The Demon Lord cackles. “And if you add wealth to that, there’s pretty much nothing you can’t do in this world! You can mess around all day long, and nobody will stop you!” 

Vampy’s eyes narrow even further. 

The Demon Lord’s stock is plummeting! 

On the other hand, Mera remains completely expressionless, pouring more wine into the Demon Lord’s glass. 

Uh, Mr. Mera, should you really be letting her gulp it down like that? 

I assumed this place was an inn when I first woke up, but it looks like it’s actually a room in the Colonel’s castle or something. 

The wine they serve at a place like this probably isn’t the cheap stuff, y’know? 

From the looks of things earlier, it seems like the Colonel is treating the Demon Lord as an honorable guest. 

What if that wine is so expensive that you could build a mansion for the cost of a single bottle…? 

Well, I guess I don’t know if wine works the same way in this world as it does on Earth, so I have no idea if such an expensive wine even exists here, but still. 

Whether it’s expensive or cheap, the Demon Lord normally drinks alcohol by the barrel, so if she drinks that same amount of this wine… 

Gulp. Hang in there, Colonel. 

“Young miss, I believe Lady Ariel took such an attitude for well-thought-out reasons of her own.” 

While I’m lost in thought about the price of wine and the damage to the Colonel’s coin purse, Mera speaks up like he can’t bear to just watch and not say anything. 

Yeah, I figured as much. 

Vampy is the only one who doesn’t get it. She blinks in surprise. “What? Really?” 

Her eyes go from glaring at the Demon Lord to simply looking curious. 

The Demon Lord grins. “I don’t know if I’d go that far. It’s more of a gut feeling than a carefully calculated plan, really…” 

Then she trails off. 

As I tilt my head in confusion at the awkward silence, there’s a knock on the door. 

The Demon Lord permits the person to enter, and it turns out to be a servant girl with a tea trolley. Silent but dour, she places the wine and snacks on a table and leaves the room with a short bow. 

After a moment, the Demon Lord opens her mouth again. 

“What did you think of that person?” 

“I wouldn’t quite call her hostile, but she did not seem to think too highly of us.” 

Of course it’s Mera who responds. Vampy didn’t even understand the question, and I hardly ever speak up! 

Mera answering is best for all of us! 

Way to read the room, Mera! My man! The ideal servant! 

“Well, of course,” Vampy mutters. “How else would you respond to someone showing up out of nowhere, forcing their way in, and demanding to be waited on?” 

Yeah, I guess that’s true. What kind of awful guest would do that, though? 

Oh wait, she means us. 

I was wondering how we got into the castle of a big shot like the lord in charge of the borderlands. We forced our way in, huh? 

Yeah, I guess that would seem like a huge imposition to the people who work in the castle. 

“Right, right. We’re unwanted guests, after all.” 

Wow. Saying that doesn’t even make you sad? 

“But that wouldn’t normally be enough to make someone hate or even wanna kill us, right?” 

At those words from the Demon Lord, Vampy finally gets it. “So you’re acting rude on purpose to figure out who your enemies are?” 

The Demon Lord answers with a grin. 

Hiding your hatred or hostility is one thing, but if someone keeps going out of their way to antagonize you, it’s hard to keep those emotions from leaking out. 

So basically, the Demon Lord was being outrageously rude on purpose, in the hopes of sniffing out anyone who might be hiding hostility toward her. 

At least, that’s the official reason. 

“There were definitely a few who weren’t very fond of me in the welcome party earlier.” 

Yeah, like the ones who were clenching their fists and shaking. 

“Does that mean you don’t trust that Erguner person, Miss Ariel?” Vampy asks. 

“I’m not sure yet. I did try to get a rise out of him to see if I could figure it out, but a veteran like him won’t show his weaknesses that easily. Even if his subordinates don’t like me, that doesn’t tell me how their boss feels. Although considering how easily they showed it, that’s definitely a case of negligent supervision on his part, at the very least.” 

The way the Demon Lord’s talking, it sorta seems like the Colonel really doesn’t like her, and she already knows it. 

Man, a veteran demon, though? 

I guess since demons live longer than humans, they can get pretty old. Where there’s longevity, there’s sly old foxes. 

Anyone who lives that long is bound to end up holding some grudges. Or am I just assuming things? 

Well, either way, we probably shouldn’t let our guards down around this guy. 

It seems like the Demon Lord is taking care to make sure no one else in the castle can eavesdrop on our conversations, for one thing. 

She stops talking whenever someone approaches. And it’s possible that she’s taking other countermeasures that I just haven’t noticed. She’s probably used a spell or something to make sure our conversations can’t be heard from outside the door. 

“So yeah, I’m just gonna do whatever I want! No holding back!” 

With that, the Demon Lord gulps down the rest of her wine and reaches for the snacks. 

“…Are you sure that wasn’t your number one goal in the first place?” 

Vampy squints suspiciously at the Demon Lord, who ignores her and lolls around on the sofa. 

This time, Mera doesn’t say another word. 

I wonder if he’s noticed? 

The Demon Lord’s real goal, or at least her real thoughts. 

I don’t think Vampy is entirely wrong about her wanting to goof off, but that’s not her real motivation deep down. 

The Demon Lord said it herself: It’s a gut feeling, not a well-thought-out plan. 

If you ask me, I think the Demon Lord just wants to keep from getting any closer to her demon subjects than necessary. 

Someday soon, the Demon Lord will have to lead the demons into war against the humans. 

And she’ll probably have to send them into battle almost like sacrificial pawns in order to accomplish what she wants. 

Her goal requires a lot of casualties, after all. 

To put it another way, the Demon Lord is basically going to be sending a bunch of demons to their graves. That’s why she’s trying not to get too friendly with them. 

She’s acting deliberately rude toward the demons so that they won’t make the mistake of idolizing her. 

For demons, the Demon Lord is someone to be feared and hated, someone who will send them to their deaths. 

By putting herself in that position, she’s trying to bear the brunt of the demons’ hatred and resentment herself. 

And most of all, she’s probably using being hated by the demons as a way of punishing herself. 

This is all just my assumption, of course. I can’t read the Demon Lord’s mind. But I don’t think I’m wrong. 

Seriously. How kindhearted can one person be? 

Sure, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s going to send the demons to their deaths, so it’s not exactly unconditional kindness, but I still think she’s way too nice to call herself a demon lord. 

Not that I’m complaining, since her kindness has saved me on several occasions. 

As these thoughts run through my mind, I casually sit down next to the Demon Lord and help myself to some snacks. 

Heh-heh. The concept of “holding back” has always been foreign to me! 

If there’s something edible in front of me, I’ll eat it! Whether that makes me an unwanted guest or not! 

Ooh, this jerky’s got a nice salty bite to it. Now I want a drink. 

I slide my hand toward the bottle nearby, but I get caught before I can reach it. 

“White? You can’t drink until you’re twenty or older, you know.” 

The Demon Lord grins as she scolds me, holding my arm firmly in place. 

Grrr! Come on—a little bit can’t hurt! 

Besides, it’s her fault for making it look so delicious in the first place! 

If someone gulps a drink down in front of you like that, of course you’re going to want to know what it tastes like! 

The drinking age may be twenty in Japan, but we’re in a parallel world here, so we should be able to make an exception! 

“No means no. You can’t always get what you want.” 

Tch! I don’t need any sage wisdom right now, thank you very much. 

I’m definitely gonna distract her and have a drink one of these days. 

As I reluctantly withdraw my hand, Mera holds out a glass of nonalcoholic juice. Best servant ever! 

“Merazophis, I’d like some, too.” 

Of course Vampy gets jealous right away. 

Yep, things are back to normal. 

It’s actually kinda peaceful. 

I can tell I’m slacking a bit, probably because we finally accomplished our big goal of reaching demon lands. 

I’m kinda tempted to just hang out in the Demon Lord’s protection and laze around forever. 

But I don’t think that’s gonna happen. 

Oh, I just wish that this peaceful atmosphere would last a little longer. 

What? No can do? 

I see. 

Sigh. Unreal.