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Mushoku Tensei (LN) - Volume 12 - Chapter 10




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Chapter 10:

Parents 

I N THE EXACT MOMENT that the hydra breathed its last, the magically imbued crystal it had been guarding liquified, and Zenith collapsed onto the ground. She was alive. Although still unconscious, there was no mistake that she was breathing. 

There were dozens of enormous magically imbued crystals in the area, and the ground was littered with the magic stones that had comprised the creature’s scales. Further within were a plethora of fallen magic items, too. They would net a fine price. But not one of us was in a mood to start collecting them. 

I felt light, unsteady, as if I were in a dream. If someone called out to me, I would reply, but my mind was otherwise empty. It was almost as if someone else was answering for me, using my mouth. Yet, much to my own surprise, I was able to make short work of the unfinished tasks that remained afterward. 

We cremated Paul’s body there in that room. 

My feelings about it were complicated. Part of me wanted to take him home, to at least let Zenith see his face even though he’d passed, but in the end, I followed everyone’s recommendation for his funeral. 

My fire magic was enough to reduce him to bones in a matter of minutes. When Elinalise warned that burying him like that could result in him reanimating as a skeleton, I did as she proposed. I crushed the bones down, conjured a jar with my earth magic, and poured them inside. 

He’d left only three personal belongings: the metal breastplate that had protected his torso, the magical sword that could deal massive damage to tough opponents, and finally, his favorite weapon that he’d kept at his side since before I was even born. 

“…” 

I felt strange. I couldn’t put my finger on what this emotion was, but it felt like a weight crushing down on my chest. 

“Let’s go home.” 

I wasn’t very useful on the way back. We beat our enemies and I was able to use my magic, but my feet were unsteady. It was as if I wasn’t walking at all, but rather, floating. Had it not been for Roxy, who was pressed close beside me, I might have stepped on a teleportation trap. 

No matter how many mistakes I made, no one said a word to me. Not Elinalise, not Roxy, not Talhand, and not Geese. No complaints, no consolations. Everyone was at a loss for words. 

Zenith was carried the whole way on someone’s back. There were some intense battles as we hiked up to the surface, but she never woke. It made me anxious, but the fact that she was still breathing meant she was alive. At least, that was what I tried to tell myself. 

It took us three days to make it out of the labyrinth. 

I couldn’t really remember what the three who welcomed us back to the city said when we arrived, but Elinalise and Geese explained the specifics to them. Shierra collapsed in tears and Vierra sank to her knees with a look of shock. Even as I saw that, I couldn’t say anything. 

Not a single word. 

Lilia was different. Her face was a mask, revealing nothing as she looked at me and squeezed her arms around me. Then she said, “It must’ve been difficult. You did well. Try to get some rest and leave everything else to me.” 

Feeling utterly empty, I just nodded. 

I shed my robe once we returned to the inn. There was a hole in the shoulder, one I knew I needed to stitch closed. But for now, I just tossed it to the corner of the room, along with my staff and my equipment bag. I tossed it all into a pile. Then I collapsed onto my bed. 

*** 

That night, I had a dream. In it, I was back in my old body, back to being the slow-witted, self-demeaning shut-in. But this time, the Man-God was nowhere to be found. Nor was the white room in which he always resided. 

This was a memory from my previous life. Yes, a dream of what had once been. I wasn’t sure exactly when it took place, but the scenery looked familiar. It was the living room of my parents’ house. The two of them were there, talking about me. I couldn’t hear their voices, perhaps because it was only a dream. Yet strangely, I knew it was me they were talking about. Had they been worried about me, back then? 

I left that world without ever discovering the reason for their deaths. Considering they’d both gone at the same time, I assumed illness. Maybe an accident, or perhaps suicide. 

I wondered what they’d thought of me just before they died. Did they consider me nothing more than a shameless shut-in? Were they vexed by how I’d turned out? Ashamed? I had no idea how they truly felt. My mother would still pop in to see me occasionally, but at some point, my father had stopped saying anything to me. 

Did I even cross their mind when they died, I wondered? 

What about me? When they died, I didn’t even go to their funeral. What was I doing? I didn’t pick their bones from the ash after cremation, like a child should have done. What the hell was I doing? Why didn’t I even go to their funeral? 

I’d been scared of the way people would look at me when they saw I wasn’t even trying to be sad. Of the way they would look at a piece of shit like me, a shut-in. Their hostility. Their contempt. But that wasn’t the whole story, of course. I wasn’t an honorable human being. At the time, I didn’t feel even an ounce of sadness that my parents had passed. I didn’t love them enough to grieve their absence. I was less worried about losing them and more concerned by thoughts of Oh shit, now what am I going to do? I couldn’t even look directly at my own future. 

I didn’t mean to justify my behavior, of course. But I also couldn’t help it. Imagine being backed into a corner, losing the last source of salvation you have. Being suddenly plunged into a vast ocean before you’d even had a chance to fill your lungs with air. Anyone placed in that situation would look for a way to escape from reality. Sure, I regretted not doing more, but I could only blame myself so much. 

Still, if nothing else, shouldn’t I have at least attended their funeral? I had no idea what I’d been thinking back then, but shouldn’t I have at least looked at their faces after they’d passed? Shouldn’t I have at least picked up their bones? 

How had Paul looked after he passed? It hadn’t been satisfaction written on his face, but I did see the edges of his lips curl in a smile of relief. What was it he’d tried to say there at the end? 

What expression had my parents from my previous life worn on their faces when they passed? 

Why didn’t I look back then? 

I wished I could go back now and see. 

I felt awful the next day when I awoke. An intense desire to do absolutely nothing weighed down my entire body. In order to escape from the feeling, I forced myself out of bed and moved to the neighboring room where Lilia and Zenith were. 

When she spotted me, Lilia stared in amazement. “Lord Rudeus, you’ve recovered already?” 

“…Yeah, for the moment. I can’t be the only one to take it easy, right?” 

“I’m certain no one would complain if you were to rest a bit more.” 

Honestly, I did want to crawl back into bed as she suggested, but the sense that I had to do something—had to move —was even stronger. 

“Please, let me stay here.” 

“All right,” she said, “I understand. Feel free to sit.” 

In the end, I stayed there and the two of us watched over Zenith together. She’d been sleeping for days by now. It had taken three days to leave the labyrinth, a day to get back to town, and even now, she didn’t wake. Her outward appearance suggested nothing unusual. She merely looked like she was sleeping. And though she’d been bedridden for days, there was no sign that she was losing weight. She looked perfectly healthy. 

I’d thought she might look a bit older, but that wasn’t the case. Both her cheeks and hands were warm, and if you pressed your ear close to her lips, you could hear her breathing. It was just her eyes that wouldn’t open. 

Maybe she would stay like this forever. Perhaps her body would deteriorate and she would die. That thought briefly passed through my mind. I didn’t give voice to it. Unnecessary words were better left unsaid. 

Lilia and I watched over her quietly. Occasionally, Vierra and Shierra would come by, chatting about this or that. Whatever the conversation was, it didn’t stay in my head. 

The two of us shared meals together, though I had little sense of even being hungry. I barely swallowed anything. I tried to wash what I could down with water, but the food stuck to my throat and made me gag. 

It wasn’t until early afternoon that Zenith showed any signs of change. 

There, right in front of us, she let out a small groan and slowly lifted her eyes open. 

“Mm…” 

Those present were Lilia, Vierra, and myself. Vierra immediately burst out the door to go inform the others. Lilia and I remained, watching as Zenith tried to lift herself up. It should have been difficult after being bedridden for days, but with a bit of assistance from Lilia, Zenith was able to lift her upper body almost entirely on her own. 

“Good morning, my lady.” Lilia smiled as she greeted my mother. 

Zenith regarded her with the face of someone who hadn’t completely shaken off sleep yet. “Mm…” 

Her voice—it was a voice I recognized. Thinking back, it was the same one I’d heard the first moment I was born into this world. A calming one. 

Relief washed over me. Paul had died, but at least the person he’d tried to rescue was now safe. Safe, and alive. His hopes had been realized. 

I was sure she’d be sad when she learned of his death. She might even cry. Still, at least the three of us, Lilia included, could share that loss together. 

“Mother…” 

I didn’t have to tell her about it right now. I could save that until things calmed down a bit more and she understood what was going on. We could take things slowly, one step at a time. It wouldn’t be wise to force the harshness of reality on her all at once. First, we needed to rejoice that she was alive and that we’d finally been reunited. We could be sad later. 

“Hm…?” Zenith tilted her head slightly. 

I stilled my heart. 

She had forgotten me. 

I couldn’t blame her. The same had happened with Roxy. As the days and months turned into years, my face had changed. It might be a bit of a shock to her now, but I was sure we would both laugh about it in the years to come. 

“My lady,” said Lilia, “this is Lord Rudeus. Ten years have passed since you last saw him.” 

“…” 

Zenith stared at me vacantly. Then she looked back at Lilia, her eyes like a mirror—empty, reflecting only what they saw before them. 

“Hm…?” 

She tilted her head again, and Lilia’s eyes went wide. 

Something was wrong. Strange. She wasn’t speaking. All she did was groan. Plus, the way she moved—it was as if she’d forgotten Lilia as well. It was one thing to forget me, but could she truly not recognize Lilia? The maid had aged, admittedly, but she hadn’t changed that much. Her hair and even her clothes were the same as before. 

“Ohhh… Aah…” 

Her voice was clumsy, her eyes were blank, and she could form no words. All she did was stare at us. 

“My lady…could it be that…?” It seemed Lilia had realized it too. 

I knew what words lay unspoken, hanging at the end of her unfinished sentence, but my heart was quick to dismiss them. 

Both of us tried numerous times to talk to her. 

“…” 

The conclusion came quickly. Zenith reacted to our voices, but produced no words of her own. Nor did she show any signs of comprehending what we said. 

“Lord Rudeus… I’m afraid she’s lost it all.” 

Indeed, Zenith had lost everything. Her memory, her knowledge, her intelligence—all the necessary components that formed a person. 

She was a husk. 

There was no way she remembered Paul. She didn’t even know Lilia or me. Who, what, when, how—she recalled none of it. That meant she couldn’t even be sad he’d died. We couldn’t share that loss. 

The reality of that stabbed like a knife. 

“Aah…” A gasp escaped my throat. 

And my heart shattered. 

*** 

How many days passed after that? I had only a vague sense of time. I woke, slept. Woke, slept. Repeated the process countless times. 

When I slept, my dreams replayed the moment of Paul’s death. I saw him slash at the hydra, saw it swing its neck. Felt him shove me aside, pushing me out of the way. Then watched him move again, watched the hydra move again, but I couldn’t move. Paul kicked me out of the way, and I watched as the hydra’s head came plummeting down in front of me. 

Then I jolted awake, checked to make sure it was just a dream, and huddled back into bed. I didn’t have the willpower to get up. All I could do was think about Paul. 

Paul was… He… 

Sure, okay, he wasn’t a praiseworthy human. He was terrible with women and a total show-off. He was weak in the face of adversity and looked to alcohol for an escape. He hadn’t even bothered to say anything fatherly before we went into battle. By most standards, he was a complete failure as a father. 

But still, I loved him. 

It wasn’t quite the same as the parent-and-child love Paul felt for me. To me, Paul was more like a partner in crime. Strictly speaking, I was mentally older, but he had more physical years on me. Even when it came to life experience, he was probably well ahead of me when you considered the decades I’d spent as a shut-in. 

None of that really mattered. Age was pointless. When I talked to Paul, I felt like the two of us were on an even footing. I couldn’t see him as a father, and I’d probably never really thought of myself as his child. 

But Paul was different. He’d seen me as his child from the very beginning. Me, who’d been a piece of shit thirty-something recluse on the inside at the time. Me, whose actions thus far had to have been bizarre from an outside perspective. Still, he regarded me as family, never turning his eyes away. There were areas where he failed as a father, but he never faltered in considering me family. Never once did he treat me like a stranger. I was always, always his son. Despite my abnormal abilities, he still saw me as his son. He faced me head-on. 

He was a father. He always had been. Even as he carried burdens far too heavy for him, he acted as a father and continued to do things for the sake of our family. At the end, he’d even shielded me—used his body, as a father, to protect me. His son. 

He’d bravely put his life on the line, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. And he died. 

It was strange. 

I wasn’t even his child, but Paul was still my father. 

Paul had two real children. Not fakes like me—actual, honest-to-God, real children. Two sweet, genuine daughters. Norn and Aisha. If he were going to shield anyone, it should’ve been them. 

Plus, he had two wives, right? He’d spent years desperately searching for one of them—Zenith. The other, Lilia, had been there to support him until then. Two wives and two daughters. Four people in total. 

What the hell are you doing leaving them behind, huh, Paul? I thought angrily. Weren’t they important to you? 

But maybe I was just as important to him, too. Two wives, two daughters and one son. Maybe they were all equally important to him. 

I’d never seen him as a father, but he’d thought of me as one of the most important people in his life. 

Ah, fuck. Why, Paul? Give me a break. You said it so many times: “Rudy, I see you as an adult now. I see you as a man.” 

I got married, bought a house, took guardianship of my sisters—of course I felt like an adult. I came to help you, worked hard in that labyrinth. I saw myself as an adult. You did too, didn’t you? That was why you said what you did at the end, right? “Save her, even if it kills you.” 

So, explain to me: Why? Why…? Why did you shield me, if I’m an adult? 

What am I supposed to say to Norn and Aisha when I go home? How am I supposed to explain what happened? What am I supposed to do with Zenith, the way she is now? What am I supposed to do from here on out? 

Tell me, Paul. You were supposed to decide this, weren’t you? 

Dammit. Why did you have to go and die? Ah, fuck. 

At least if I had died, it would be him here anguishing over what to do instead. Or better yet, if neither of us had died, no one would have to suffer. 

Ah, I can’t do it. 

Sadness bubbled up with me. I couldn’t stop the tears that came flooding out. 

In my life—my previous one, that is—I didn’t even cry when my mother and father had died. I hadn’t even felt sad. Now that Paul was dead, the tears came naturally. I was sad. I couldn’t believe it. The one person who had to be here—was supposed to be here—was now gone. 

Paul was a father. Paul was my father. I’d never thought of him as one, and yet, he was every bit a parent to me as the ones from my previous life. 

I thought and thought, cried and cried, until I was exhausted. 

I don’t want to do anything. 

I lounged lazily about my room. There were things I needed to do, I knew, but I couldn’t find the will to do them. I didn’t even have the strength to leave this room. I slept, woke, sat up, adjusted my posture, and let time just slip by. 

Elinalise and Lilia came to visit in the midst of this. They said something to me, but I wasn’t sure what. It was almost as if they were speaking a foreign language and my brain couldn’t comprehend the words. Not that it mattered. I wouldn’t have been able to reply even if I did. 

I had nothing to say, no words to speak to them. 

If, just maybe , if I had been able to wield a sword a little better, then I could have chopped off the hydra’s head. Maybe then, Paul wouldn’t have died. The two of us could have worked on chopping while Roxy roasted the open wounds. We could have defeated it easily if we had done that, right? 

If only I could wrap a battle aura around myself. If only I could move a little faster. Then Paul wouldn’t have had to shield me. I could have dodged the attack all on my own. 

But I couldn’t, and that’s why things had ended up this way. 

It wasn’t like I hadn’t tried. 

Maybe we should’ve gone back to the city, even if it meant I had to punch his face in and drag him back. We could’ve come back, had a calm strategy meeting, and then maybe we could have come up with a solid plan. A smart one—not the clumsy, by-the-seat-of-your-pants plan that we’d used. If we’d done anything just a bit differently, the outcome might have changed, too. 

But it was too late. Paul was dead. I’d never see him again—just like the parents of my previous life. No matter what I said now, it was already too late. 



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