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Mushoku Tensei (LN) - Volume 12 - Chapter 11




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Chapter 11:

Looking Ahead 

F OUR PEOPLE, men and women, gathered around a table in a certain pub. A darkness settled over them amidst the clamor of the room. 

“Paul’s dead,” muttered Elinalise, the elf with lustrous blonde hair. 

“Yeah, sure is,” agreed Geese, the monkey-faced demon who was eyeing the contents of the cup in his hand. 

“He protected his boy. That’s how he’d have wanted to go,” Talhand, the stout dwarf with a beard, said plainly. His voice held little energy. He should’ve been drowning himself in his beloved alcohol by now, but he didn’t look the least bit drunk. 

“Don’t think he’d be happy, not with Zenith like that,” Geese said. 

The dwarf just silently tipped his tankard back. 

It had been a shock to them all when Zenith turned out to be an empty husk. An especially cruel shock, considering they’d all known the cheerful, energetic person she’d been before the accident. Even so, they were adventurers. Death was always close at hand. They would’ve had the capacity to accept it even if she’d died. 

“She’s alive, right? Who knows, maybe she can be healed,” said Talhand, though it was clear he didn’t have much hope of that. 

There were stories, occasionally, of people who were crippled by a monster’s poison. Never once in those stories had such people recovered. Once the mind was gone, nothing could heal them, not even God-tier healing magic. If something went wrong with someone’s mind, there was no way to fix it. 

“Even if she’s able to somehow walk and talk again, her memories won’t return,” Elinalise spat out. 

“What’s that? Sure are talkin’ like you know a lot on the matter, Elinalise.” Talhand eyed her suspiciously. 

“I’m just telling it like it is.” Elinalise didn’t explain any further. She had lived a long life—longer than either Talhand or Geese. She’d said she’d seen a similar case before. It was likely she did know something, but whatever it was, it wasn’t going to give them any hope of Zenith recovering, so Talhand didn’t press the issue. 

“The real problem is the boy,” said the dwarf. 

“Yeah…” agreed Geese, breathing the word out like a sigh. 

Rudeus, Paul’s son, had spent almost a week now cooped up in his room. 

“It’s not just that the kid’s under the weather,” Geese continued, “it goes deeper than that.” 

“It’s almost like he’s a husk, too,” said Elinalise. 

Rudeus didn’t even reply when they tried to talk to him. He just nodded, a vacant look in his eyes, and said, “Yeah…” 

“Rudy was very attached to Mister Paul,” said the young blue-haired demon girl. Roxy Migurdia had been relatively silent until the topic turned to Rudeus. 

In the back of her mind, she pictured a young Rudeus taking sword lessons from Paul. No matter how Paul beat him into the ground, Rudeus would stand back up again and continue swinging, an indignant look on his face. He’d been the embodiment of talent. To Roxy, it had looked like he was truly enjoying learning swordsmanship from his father. A blinding source of envy to her, given that she’d never shared such moments with her own parents. 

“Well, I understand how the boss feels,” said Geese, “but it’s gonna be bad if things stay this way.” 

“I must agree.” Elinalise punctuated her words with a nod. 

Rudeus hadn’t eaten since the day it happened. Even when those around him prompted him to try, he just said, “Sure,” but showed no signs of following through. He did seem to be doing the minimum of at least drinking water, but he was growing more gaunt by the day. His eyes were sunken and his cheeks had grown hollow. He looked like he had the shadow of death on his face. If left to his own devices, it wouldn’t be surprising if he actually joined Paul. Everyone present thought as much. 

After a pause, Roxy pressed on. “I’d like to do something to try to cheer him up.” 

Geese’s gaze traveled to Elinalise. “Didn’t you always say it was important to ‘get lucky’ at times like these?” 

“I can’t help him with ‘getting lucky,’” she replied instantly. 

Roxy was the only one who didn’t understand what they were talking about. “What is it you can’t do?” 

“…” 

Geese and Talhand exchanged looks and pursed their lips. 

Roxy furrowed her brows, suspicious. “Miss Elinalise, do you have some kind of plan?” 

A pause. “No, I don’t.” The elf maintained her poker face. 

“Well, how should I put it?” Geese scratched at his cheek while Talhand tilted his drink back in disinterest. “Hm, uh… Well, in times like these, it’s best to just enjoy yourself to the fullest and try to forget.” 

“Enjoy yourself?” Roxy echoed back, confused. 

“Men are straightforward. Give them some alcohol, a woman to bed, and they’ll get that rush of joy from being alive. Bring a little bit of energy back to them. I mean, yeah, it’s not going to return them to how they were, but still.” 

“Ah…! Oh, all right, I get it now.” Roxy finally understood what he was saying. And more importantly, what he was trying to get Elinalise to do. “W-well, I guess you’re right, that’s just how men are! Yeah! Yeah…” Her cheeks flushed red and her gaze floated to her lap. 

Men liked to bed women when they were depressed. She felt sure she’d heard that story once before. It was true for mercenaries in particular, who liked to pay for women’s services before and after battle, in order to distract themselves from their own fear. After completing a mission where their life had been on the line, many men visited the brothels. 

But when Roxy thought of Rudeus and Elinalise together, a dark cloud hung over her heart. 

“Elinalise.” Geese turned toward her. “You’ve always said—for as long as I can remember—that you’re good at consolin’ men with wounded hearts.” 

“I have.” 

Roxy began to think. It was true that Elinalise had a talent for that type of thing. She had daily relations with an undeterminable number of men, and Roxy had heard she was incredibly skilled at what she did. Surely it was possible for a woman with that level of experience to get Rudeus back on his feet again. The thought made her gloomy, but what else could they do? 

“How unusual. Normally you’d be all over someone in the kinda state Boss is in right now.” 

Roxy couldn’t stand seeing Rudeus the way he was right now. Elinalise felt the same—she wanted to help him, to console him. But she also knew what would happen once they returned home if she succumbed and used his broken heart as an excuse to go to bed with him. She would be betraying Cliff, betraying Sylphie. Even Rudeus wouldn’t be able to cope with that. 

So Elinalise said as much. “Even I have people that I can’t bed.” 

“Why not Rudy?” Roxy’s lips hardened. She fixed the other woman with a glare. “You know how much he’s suffering.” 

“Because…” Elinalise started to say, but then remembered. Roxy didn’t know yet. “Because the person he married—his wife—is my granddaughter.” 

“Huh?!” The cup dropped from Roxy’s hand, its contents spilling everywhere before it rolled off the table and hit the floor with a dry clunk . “What? Rudy’s married?” 

“Yes, he is. And his child will be born soon.” 

“O-oh, so it’s true… W-well, I mean, of course it is. Rudy’s that age already…” Roxy couldn’t fully mask how shaken she was as she bent down to retrieve the fallen tankard. She brought it to her lips without thinking before she remembered she’d spilled it all, and ordered another. “Um, I’d like the strongest alcohol you have.” 

Her eyes swiveled as she folded her arms over her chest. Marriage. That’s right, even Rudeus could get married. Yeah. It was normal. At least, that was what she tried to tell herself. 

Then Roxy remembered how she’d acted in the labyrinth, and she gritted her teeth. She’d made advances on him, thinking he was single. Rudeus had been receptive on a level she’d never experienced before, but perhaps the only reason he hadn’t rejected her outright was because she was an acquaintance. From the sidelines, it must have looked hysterical—the most entertaining buffoonery. 

Roxy wanted to scream at them, “Why didn’t anyone tell me?!” But the complaint remained lodged in her throat. 

Anyway, her feelings weren’t what mattered right now. 

“S-still, even if he is married, this is an emergency. Couldn’t you both be forgiven for doing it just once?” Roxy didn’t even understand the words coming out of her mouth. She just felt strongly that they had to do something to pick Rudeus back up. 

“Perhaps, but I can’t be the one to do it,” Elinalise said woefully. Roxy couldn’t understand the emotion in the elf’s voice, or the frustration visible on her face. 

“Sorry for the wait,” a server cut in. 

“Oh, thank you.” 

Conveniently, her drink arrived. Roxy knocked it back and swallowed the whole thing down. It burned, passing down her parched throat and spreading through her body like a wildfire. It probably tasted particularly delicious to her right now because her body was craving alcohol. 

“Besides, Rudeus and I have already…” Elinalise paused just then, pursing her lips. “Well, even though I can’t help, Geese can drag him along to a brothel, right?” 

“Not so sure about that,” said Geese, doubtful. “You really think Rudeus will cheer up havin’ sex with some girl he doesn’t know?” 

“Well, what he needs right now is to be able to lean on someone he trusts,” said Elinalise. 

“So, Lilia?” 

She shot a glare at Geese. “This is exactly—” 

“Okay, okay, I get it!” He held his hands up in surrender. “Don’t get so pissy.” 

Elinalise’s feelings about the matter were complicated. She didn’t want to intrude on his marriage to Sylphie, but she did want to help Rudeus. If she bedded him, she could get him back on his feet. Elinalise was confident about that—this wasn’t the first or even second time she’d been in a situation like this, where she’d helped a man heal the wounds in his heart. But she also couldn’t help but think that to do so now would be a disastrous choice she could never take back. 

She was conflicted. 

Normally, she didn’t mind being the one to get her hands dirty. Elinalise had played that role numerous times. But her desire to not betray Cliff got in the way this time. She simply couldn’t. 

“…” 

Silence hung in the air. Only the quiet sounds of people downing their drinks lingered. None among their motley crew dared speak up. The air was as stale as a funeral. 

“Anyway, we’ve got Zenith in the state she’s in now, too. I wanna get the boss back on his feet quick as possible so we can hightail it outta this town.” 

At Geese’s words, the remaining three sighed. 

“Yeah, I don’t disagree,” said Talhand gruffly. 

They were exhausted as well. After all, it had been six years—six!—since the Displacement Incident. A substantial period of time by anyone’s estimate, during which they’d traveled from the Central Continent to the Demon Continent, from the Demon Continent to the Begaritt Continent, then began their venture into the Teleportation Labyrinth. It had been intense, frequently rough going, but they’d labored through it, both the good times and the bad, with the hope that they’d come out laughing together when it was over. 

The Displacement Incident had been an unpleasant affair, but the time they’d spent together hadn’t been completely awful. Their broken, disconnected party had slowly come back together. Elinalise and Talhand had teamed up, while Geese hopped into action for Paul. Paul and Talhand had reconciled their differences. Paul and Elinalise had even fought side by side once more at the very end. 

None of them had ever dreamed they would come back together like this again, but then there they were, with Paul at their center. All they had to do was rescue Zenith and locate Ghislaine, wherever she had wandered off to, and they could all share drinks together again. That’s what they all thought. 

But now Paul was dead. 

It was enough to overwhelm them with an indescribable sense of exhaustion, like everything they’d done had been for naught. It was the kind of exhaustion you felt after you’d spent hours building something, only for it to fall to pieces at the very end. 

Rudeus wasn’t the only one overcome with lethargy. 

“Don’t be so glum,” Talhand said. “Rudeus is Paul’s boy. Might be down in the dumps now, but he’ll pick himself back up on his own eventually, no doubt.” 

Elinalise hesitated before saying, “I certainly hope you’re right.” 

“…” 

Both she and Geese nodded vaguely at the dwarf’s words. They knew the boy’s weakness, but he was already sixteen. He wasn’t a child anymore. The situation might be grim, but he was a remarkable adult at heart. Death visited everyone. It was a particularly close companion to adventurers. Everyone’s parents died eventually—everyone had to deal with this at some point in their lives. That was why, they assumed, Rudeus would also eventually be able to do the same. 

“…” 

Only one among them did not nod their head. It was Roxy, her thoughts preoccupied with memories from long ago. 

Rudeus 

I REALIZED IT WAS EVENING when I looked out the window. I was sitting on my bed, spacing out. How many days had gone by? Did it even matter? 

As I thought that to myself, a knock suddenly came upon the door. 

“Rudy, can I have a moment?” 

When I followed the sound of the voice, I glimpsed Roxy at the entrance. Had I left the door open this entire time? 

“Teacher,” I said after a long pause. It felt like ages since I’d spoken. My voice was hoarse, and I wasn’t even sure whether she’d heard me or not. 

Roxy hastily made her way toward me. 

Something felt different than usual. I wondered what it was… Ah, that was it! She wasn’t in her robe today. Her shirt and pants were separate pieces of thinly woven fabric. That was a rare sight. 

“Pardon me,” she said stiffly, plopping down on the bed beside me. Several seconds of silence passed. Roxy spoke slowly, as if carefully choosing her words. “Want to go out somewhere with me for a bit of a change of pace?” 

“…Huh?” 

“Uhh,” she stammered, “there are many magical items in this city that you wouldn’t be able to see on other continents. It might be interesting to take a look at them all, don’t you think?” 

“No…I’m not in the mood.” 

“O-oh, you’re not?” 

“Sorry.” 

She was inviting me to go out. I knew it was because she wanted to cheer me up. Normally, I would’ve followed along behind her like a puppy, but I simply didn’t feel like it right now. 

Silence stretched out between us. 

Roxy again seemed to choose her words as she spoke. “It’s unfortunate what happened with Mister Paul and Miss Zenith.” 

Unfortunate? Unfortunate… Was this really something that could be summed up in that one word? Well, this wasn’t her family, after all. 

“I can still remember, in great detail, the five of us living together in Buena Village. That might have been the happiest time of my life.” Roxy spoke quietly, gripping my hand. Hers was warm. 

“…” 

“As an adventurer, it’s not unusual for the people close to you to die. I know that pain. I’ve experienced it before.” 

“Please don’t lie to me,” I said. I’d met Roxy’s parents before. They were alive and well. She might not have seen them for a while, but surely that hadn’t changed. “Your mother and father are doing just fine, aren’t they?” 

“That’s true,” she said thoughtfully. “It’s been a few years since I saw them, but they seemed well. I’m sure they still have a hundred years ahead of them.” 

“Then you don’t understand!” A wave of emotion flooded up from my chest and I batted her hand away. “Don’t throw that word around so casually!” I felt the last bit of strength drain out of me as I yelled at her. 

Roxy, though taken aback, seemed to seriously weigh her next words. “The person who died was someone who formed a party with me and taught me the basics right after I became an adventurer. I wouldn’t go as far as to call him a parent, but I did think of him as an older brother.” 

“…” 

“He died shielding me.” 

“…” 

“Like you, I also anguished over his death.” 

“…” 

“Of course, I don’t think it’s as bad as what happened to you—losing your father and finding your mother only for her to be…sick. But it did leave me deeply depressed.” 

“…” 

“That’s why I think I can understand a little bit—even if it’s just a sliver—of what you’re feeling right now.” 

Then you don’t understand at all. 

She didn’t understand how I felt, having reincarnated, stuck between past and present. I wasn’t just saddened by Paul’s death. Nor was I simply lamenting that Zenith had become a husk. 

I’d realized something. 

Ever since I was reincarnated and decided to do it all over, I’d thought I was doing a good job. But in the end, I’d just been ignoring something important. I’d turned my back on the discord between me and my family in my previous life. Kept my eyes averted, even after I was reborn. And as a result, I’d made the same mistake a second time in this world. 

I’d been unable to give anything back to my parents before Paul died and Zenith became a husk. I’d just done the same thing all over again; repeated the same mistake—one I couldn’t take back. 

My previous life of thirty-four years, my current life of sixteen years. Fifty years that I’d lived, in total, and yet I’d done it again. 

In my previous life, I’d been hopeless. But when I was reincarnated in this world, I thought I’d changed. Now, I was confronted with the reality that nothing had changed. Things might look good on the surface, but in truth I’d hardly budged past square one. 

Getting back on my feet seemed hopeless, honestly. Knowing that Roxy had processed a similar experience and managed to get back on hers did little to reassure me. 

“I was truly happy during my days in Buena Village,” she continued. “I originally came to the Asura Kingdom wanting to work there, but I couldn’t find any jobs. I decided to take a temporary position in the countryside as a home tutor. But then you were overflowing with talent, and Paul and Zenith treated me so warmly. I think they were the ones who really taught me what the kindness— true kindness—of a family is,” Roxy said as she looked at me, her eyes soft, warm. “They were like a second family.” 

She stood up on my bed, slipped behind me, and knelt, wrapping her arms around my head as if cradling me. 

“Rudy, I think I think I can share in your sadness.” 

I felt something soft press against the back of my head. Thump, thump came the gentle pulse of her heart. A soothing sound. Why did listening to it comfort me so, I wondered? Why did it make me feel like things would be okay? 

 

The same went for her smell. Roxy’s scent was relaxing, too. Up until now, whenever I faced anything difficult, it had been strangely comforting to remember this smell and the thing she taught me. When I’d been in the grips of my ED, just thinking about Roxy had been enough to help me endure. 

Why was that? The answer hung in the back of my throat but refused to come out. 

“I’m your teacher,” she said, “and though I’m small and inadequate, I have lived longer than you, and I’m tough. I don’t mind if you lean on me.” 

I took hold of one of the hands threaded around my neck. It was so small and yet felt so big. Just looking at her hands brought me comfort. I wondered if that sense of relief would grow stronger if I got closer. 

“I’m sure that, even when things are tough, you can lessen the burden by splitting it with someone else,” Roxy said as she pulled away. 

I drew her hand back out of instinct. 

“Wh-whoa!” Her tiny body easily fell into my lap. Faces close, our eyes met—Roxy’s looking sleepy, moist with tears. Her face was red, her lips drawn tightly shut. I put a hand on her back, guiding her close. Her heart was thundering furiously, and she felt warm. 

“W-we can do it,” Roxy stuttered. 

Do what? I thought. 

“I-I mean, I heard that a man’s heart feels lighter after he takes a woman to bed.” 

Who the heck told her that? Ah…Elinalise? Just what was the elf telling Roxy at a time like this? 

“Women feel the same. When things are tough, they want something to make them forget. I’m also devastated by Mister Paul’s death, so if that’s what you want to do, I don’t mind if you take me to bed with you.” She spoke so fast that her words jumbled together, rambling on. “That’s right, I want you to help me forget. But my body is kind of plain… If you’re not interested, you could go to a brothel instead?” 

I had immense respect for her just as she was. What would it be like if I did as she suggested and took her to bed? 

“A-anyway, I may not look it, but I am quite experienced! I’m sure I can perform much better than whatever girl you’d find on the streets. Just think of this as a casual thing, a way to wash away all the bad, as a way to test things out, just once…” 

Her incoherent explanations were lost on me, but I still found myself invested. If I found listening to the beat of her heart to be this soothing, then how much more relief might I find if our bodies were pressed together? My mind lingered on that excuse as she babbled. 

“Uh, well, if you’re really particular and being with someone who is skilled, maybe you could bow your head to Miss Elinalise and—ah!” 

I pushed her down onto the bed—roughly, violently. Maybe I just had frustration to spare. 

*** 

When I opened my eyes the next morning, the first thing to greet me was Roxy’s sleeping face. She looked so innocent with her hair let down. 

At the same time, the thought I screwed up ran through my mind. 

“Haah…” A sigh escaped. How was I going to explain this to Sylphie? Yet another thing for me to be concerned about now. 

But for some reason, my vision felt clearer, as if everything I’d anguished over had been a dream. There was still a weight, a heaviness that clung that to me, but it didn’t feel like rock bottom anymore. It wasn’t comparable to what I’d felt yesterday. 

Why had it been so effective? Was it because I’d performed an act that was associated with bringing new life into the world? Had that eased my sadness over the loss of Paul? Maybe not. By having sex, I’d more or less pushed the problem aside for now. 

“Mm…” 

Suddenly Roxy’s eyes fluttered open. She stared unblinkingly back at me for a few moments before rustling the covers, drawing them up over her body. 

“Good morning, Rudy…” she muttered, averting her eyes. “Um, how was it?” 

I couldn’t lie. I’d been horribly rough with her. I’d known almost immediately that her claim about being experienced had been nothing but a bald-faced lie, but I hadn’t let that bother me. For her part, Roxy had welcomed everything openly, even the pain. I was both grateful and remorseful. 

Complimenting her felt wrong, given that I was in love with Sylphie. Honestly speaking, her body was a bit small, and didn’t quite fit mine. Of course, I’d be lying if I said it hadn’t felt good. It was true, even now, that I felt relaxed. There was no reason to lie if it would hurt her. 

“It was amazing,” I said finally. 

Roxy’s face heated gradually. “Thank you… But no, that’s not what I meant. By ‘how was it,’ I meant how is your heart feeling? Any lighter?” 

Oh, that was what she meant? Whoops. “It does.” 

“Then as repayment, I’d be happy if you’d put your arms around me.” 

“Sure.” As she requested, I wrapped my arms around her. Her skin felt soft, damp because of the sweat. It was through her supple skin that I could feel her drumming pulse. A reassuring sound. 

“Your arms sure are strong,” she said. “Not much like a magician.” 

“I’ve been training.” 

Her fingers traced lightly over my chest and upper arm. The motion was so endearing it threatened to sway my love for Sylphie. 

Slowly, I peeled myself away from her body and got up. 

“Teacher, could I ask you something? Something strange.” 

A pause and then, “What is it?” 

She must have read the room. Roxy’s expression turned serious as she sat up in bed and tucked her legs beneath her. And as she sat there neatly, she was completely naked. It was so sexy and stimulating that I had to avert my eyes and shift the blanket to hide my lower half as I continued the conversation. 

“This story is just fiction, something I made up,” I prefaced before I began. Then I told her the tale of a man—a make-believe one, of course. 

When he was young, terrible things happened to him and he secluded himself. He lived purely on his parents’ financial support for decades. Then one day, his parents suddenly died. The man didn’t even attend their funeral—no, he did the worst thing a person could possibly do. The other members of his family saw that, beat him senseless, and drove him from his home. 

Although the man had nothing, he was lucky to find himself reborn in a new world. He turned over a new leaf and began trying to mend his ways. Life was going smoothly and he thought he could be happy if things stayed that way. But then he made a terrible mistake and let someone precious to him die. It was then that the man recalled the death of his parents. Though it was late, he finally mourned their loss. 

That was the story. 

The more I recounted it, the more the pent-up bile festering in my heart seemed to come spilling out. Maybe all I’d wanted was for someone to hear my story. Maybe it really was as simple as that. 

Roxy listened quietly. She inserted a word here and there, but for the most part she was silent. 

“What do you think that man should do?” I asked after I was finished. 

“…” 

She remained quiet for a while. The story had come at her from out of nowhere. Maybe she was struggling to find a way to respond. I was sure she didn’t think the person in the story was me . She was clever—she might have guessed there was some other meaning behind it. 

“If it were me,” she began, “I would go visit my parents’ graves. Even now, it’s not too late. I’d also talk to the other family members.” 

“But the graves and those family members are so far away that the man can’t just easily go and see them. If he does go to see them, he may never be able to return. The man has a life of his own now. He’s got his own family in this new world and he wants to cherish them.” 

“So, he can’t go back?” 

“No,” I replied. “There’s a good chance that he couldn’t go back even if he wanted to.” 

Roxy fell silent again. This time was briefer than the last. “In that case, there’s nothing to be done. All he can do is cherish the family he has in front of him.” 

Her words were incredibly cliché. Anyone would have said the same; anyone would have thought the same. The words weren’t special in the least. 

“Even Paul would have wished for you to do the same, Rudy,” said Roxy plainly, stating the obvious. Her words were trite platitudes, words I’d heard somewhere before. “Please look to the future. Everyone is waiting for you.” 

And yet, hearing those words made my heart felt as though a weight had been lifted. 

It wasn’t just her words that were commonplace. The death of my parents from my previous world, even Paul’s death—they were inevitable events. All I could do was face and accept them. I was here after all, alive in this world. A world that I would continue to live in. 

I felt anxious, knowing I would have to relay Paul’s death and Zenith’s disability to the family waiting for us in the Northern Territories. I felt anxious about what I should do from here on out. I was overwhelmed with anxiety about a future full of unknowns. But I couldn’t run away. The only thing I could do was solve the problems right in front of me. I had no idea what I should do, but all I could do was solve each issue, one after the other. 

This was what I’d decided to do ever since I found myself in this world, right? That I was going to live to the fullest. So, I couldn’t turn my eyes away. No matter what ordeals lay ahead, I would overcome them. I had to overcome them, even though overcoming them wouldn’t make the pain entirely disappear. It would just bring a degree of relief. 

It felt like I’d broken free of the chains that had weighed me down. 

“Teacher,” I said. 

“Yes?” 

“Thank you.” 

Roxy had saved me once again. No amount of gratitude could ever repay her for that. 



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