Mushoku Tensei (LN) - Volume 9 - Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The Prodigy’s Secret

(Part 2) 

HI THERE. Rudeus Greyrat speaking. 

Uh, so here’s my problem. Just the other day, my classmate Cliff Grimoire confided in me about his love for Elinalise, and asked if I could introduce them. 

Fair enough, right? I do know Elinalise relatively well. She was a member of the party that my parents belonged to, and we came to this city together. Also… I don’t know much about how romance works in this world, but Cliff’s obviously smitten, and wants very badly to express his feelings. I’d like to help him out if I can. 

I mean that! Really. But let’s remember what we’ve learned about Elinalise so far. 

Elinalise Dragonroad is an S-ranked adventurer, a frontline warrior, and a first-year student at the Ranoa University of Magic. Her age is unclear. To my surprise, she’s proven to be a diligent student and earns excellent grades. Lately she’s started to integrate some Beginner-level Water spells into her combat style. 

Most of her old adventuring acquaintances seem to hate her guts, but she’s a highly skilled combatant, a kind-hearted person… and a monster in the sack. 

Right. Therein lies the issue. 

Elinalise is afflicted with a specific curse. It forces her to procure a regular daily dosage of male…bodily fluids. Because of this, she avoids settling down with any one specific man, preferring to get by on a steady diet of one-night stands and casual flings. 

She says she’s given birth to multiple children as well…although she’s never told me much about where they are now. To be honest, I used to wonder if she just abandoned them by the roadside or sold them off to slave traders. But she later explained that she raises them herself until they’re ready to be independent, whatever that means. It’s apparently relatively rare for her to get pregnant, anyway. 

Let’s get back to the main point here, though. Is it really a good idea for me to introduce this woman to Cliff as a potential romantic partner? He obviously has no idea that Elinalise is anything like this. Just listening to him talk about her makes me want to groan in despair. 

“That vision of chaste beauty in the window is named Elinalise Dragonroad, correct? A strong and lovely name, well-suited to its bearer! I’ve heard she’s an excellent student, but that’s hardly a surprise. And since she was an adventurer until recently, she knows how to use magic effectively in real combat.” 

Until this bit, the only thing that’s made me want to roll my eyes was that whole vision of chaste beauty in the window thing. For Elinalise, a window is just a convenient place to place her hands while offering her rear end to someone else. But Cliff clearly doesn’t believe that his goddess is even sexually active. 

“There are scurrilous rumors circulating about her taking countless male students as her lovers. I imagine some jealous rival of hers has been spreading this slander for some time now.” 

That is his interpretation of the situation, and he’s sticking to it firmly. That fight he got into the other day was a direct result of this, actually. Those six students were bantering on about Elinalise—calling her a slut who’d put out for anyone who asked, and encouraging each other to take a turn. Cliff overheard this and got very upset. He chastised the older men for speaking ill of someone they didn’t know based on nothing but rumors. Of course, those men probably had it on pretty good authority that Elinalise slept around, but Cliff has no way of knowing that. 

All six of them were upperclassmen with some muscle on their bodies. They were also borderline delinquents who didn’t like being lectured by some scrawny little pipsqueak. One of them harshly snapped back at him: “Look, man, I know someone who did her with two other guys the other day. Like, all at once. How about you just accept reality, huh? Maybe she’ll take your virginity if you ask her really nicely.” 

Outraged by this vulgar, sneering comment, Cliff charged forward in a blind rage, swinging his fists at the group of larger men. He considers himself a decent fighter. But this was a six-on-one fight against people well outside his weight class. He might have stood a chance in a magical duel, but not in a close-range scrap. Fortunately for him, this was when I happened to appear. 

It’s a nice little story, in a sense. Really makes you appreciate the importance of doing your research upfront—and with an open mind. 

Still, uh… what am I supposed to do now? 

It’s not like I owe Cliff a warning, really. I could just introduce him to Elinalise, and let her shatter his delusions. It isn’t my problem. But is it really right for me to just shrug my shoulders and walk away? 

Elinalise might actually thank me. She tends to be very appreciative whenever I introduce her to a man. Lately she’s been particularly hooked on hunting down virgins, too. The awkward, uncertain freshmen are apparently kind of charming, and the ones with lots of false bravado are “just adorable.” She also loves watching how they learn new things and grow over time. 

I guess I can understand the appeal. I played plenty of porn games with a “training” theme back in the day. Not to jump to any assumptions, but Cliff is almost certainly a virgin. Elinalise would probably be all too happy to pull him into bed. 

What about Cliff, though? 

He’s operating with a seriously inaccurate image of Elinalise. If they start “dating,” he’ll realize the truth soon enough. What if he blames me? What if he decides I set him up to get hurt? From my perspective, he’s got no one but himself to blame, no matter what. But if I just introduce them, knowing what I know, I feel like I might be at least slightly responsible for the consequences. 

Refusing him outright doesn’t seem like a great option either, though. Cliff might draw some ridiculous conclusions from that. He might even decide that I’m a rival for Elinalise’s love. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having a fling with a woman like that if my illness was ever cured, but I’m definitely not pursuing her. And I definitely don’t want him thinking that I am. 

What the heck am I supposed to do here? 

*** 

I couldn’t think of any clever solutions to my dilemma… 

“I was hoping to get your advice on something, Master Fitz. If you don’t mind.” 

And so, during one of our regular afterschool library visits, I turned to my trusty friend Fitz. 

“Okay. What kind of advice?” 

“Well… I guess it’s a relationship advice thing, actually.” 

“What?!” Fitz spun around and leaned over the table. There was something like a grimace on his face. “A-Are you in love with someone, Rudeus?!” 

I was a little surprised by how interested he was. Despite his large, dark sunglasses, I felt like I could see his eyes gleaming with curiosity. Maybe it wasn’t that strange, though. Most people Fitz’s age were relatively interested in romance. 

“No. This is actually about a friend of mine.” 

“A friend…?” 

“That’s right.” 

“Uhm, okay. G-Go ahead, then.” 

“Basically, this friend of mine fell deeply in love with someone at first sight, and—” 

“At first sight? And you’re coming to me…? Wait, don’t tell me it’s Princess Ariel! Th-That won’t work, Rudeus. I mean, I know she’s really pretty, but…” 

Fitz seemed kind of flustered about this, for whatever reason. People probably fell head over heels for the princess on a regular basis. As her bodyguard, it made sense that he’d want to discourage that. “Don’t worry. Princess Ariel isn’t involved.” 

“O-Oh. Okay, well, that’s good.” 

“Actually, I know this person my friend fell in love with, and they have some… issues that make me reluctant to introduce them to my friend as a romantic option. I’m not sure if I should go ahead with this or not.” 

There was a peculiar expression on Fitz’s face now. He had one hand to his mouth, and watching me intently from behind his sunglasses. “Does your friend know about this woman’s issues?” 

“No, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.” 

…Hm? Did I say it was a woman? Maybe the Princess Ariel thing had just gotten Fitz thinking along those lines? It didn’t really matter, since Elinalise really was a woman, but… 

Wait, did he still think this was about me? “Sorry to repeat myself, but the friend in this story isn’t me. I’m only saying this because I trust you, but it’s Cliff from the special class.” 

“Oh! Really? Sorry, I guess I got the wrong idea…” 

Looking a bit embarrassed, Fitz scratched lightly at the back of his ears. You couldn’t really blame him. Asking about advice for “your friend” when you’re too bashful to admit the truth is kind of a cliché, after all. “Anyway, how do you think I should approach this?” 

“Uhm, well… I guess you should probably tell him about this woman’s issues, right? Unless there’s some reason that you can’t…” 

Fitz sounded oddly uncertain about this advice. Then again, he was a virgin himself, wasn’t he? Maybe he didn’t have much experience in this particular field. 

“I wouldn’t hesitate to do that, but Cliff tends to get these ideas fixed in his head, you know? I really don’t think he’d believe me. He might even decide that I’m lying to him because I’m in love with this woman myself.” 

“Oh. Yeah, I guess that might happen.” 

“Right. So, I was thinking I might not be the best messenger to deliver this news, maybe?” 

This was actually helping a little. My thoughts were starting to come together. Maybe I could have a girl deliver the news… someone Cliff trusted? It would probably be even better for Elinalise to tell him herself, honestly. 

“Uhm… So you don’t actually love this woman, Rudeus?” 

“Nah. She’s a friend, but I can’t imagine ever dating her.” Of course, Elinalise was apparently amazing in bed, so I wouldn’t turn down a night of fun with her… but starting a serious relationship with her wasn’t too appealing. For one thing, I had the feeling she’d cheat on me within a day or two. 

“I see. But that might just be you, Rudeus. Cliff might end up loving her, warts and all.” 

That seemed a bit unlikely. A guy who fantasized about marrying a pure, innocent angel didn’t strike me as a good match for Elinalise, of all people. “Hmmm…” 

Was introducing them even a good idea? I couldn’t seem to make up my mind. 

After a few moments of silence, Fitz spoke up again, his voice a low murmur. “Uhm… I’m in love with someone too, so I can understand how he feels. From what I hear, most people can’t imagine dating the person I’m interested in, either… but I still love them.” 

Fitz was in love with someone? Who could that be? 

Princess Ariel seemed like the most obvious possibility, especially given the way he’d reacted when I brought this topic up. And I guess most people would have a hard time imagining themselves “dating” a member of the Asuran royal family… 

Not that it really mattered who it was. 

“It’s… kind of tough to just sit there watching them, when you can’t tell them how you feel.” Fitz’s face had gone red at some point. His blush reached all the way to the tips of his ears. “So, uh, I think you ought to introduce them. Give him the chance to get it off his chest, at least.” 

“That might lead to all sorts of trouble down the road, though.” 

“Well, what can you do? Once you get them in a room together, the rest’s up to them.” 

Ooh. That was true enough. After I set up the initial meeting, it was up to them what happened next. In other words, I could wash my hands of the whole thing. If I could make that very clear beforehand, so much the better. “Okay then. I’ll try working out something along those lines. Thanks for the advice, Master Fitz.” 

“Y-You’re welcome… I’m always happy to help…” 

Fitz still seemed a little uncertain about all of this, but I’d made up my mind. As I left the library, I noticed Fitz slumping face-first onto the table out of the corner of my eye. It was probably a little embarrassing to be giving out advice like some wise old sage at his age, all things considered. But despite his lack of worldly experience, he always seemed to have something insightful to say. I was genuinely grateful to him. 

*** 

The very next day, I called Cliff out for a private conversation. He came to meet me behind the school building right on time, expectation shining in his eyes. 

“I’m willing to introduce you to her,” I said, “but there’s something I wanted to make very clear beforehand.” 

“What’s that?” 

“First of all…as an adventurer, I was in a party with Elinalise for some time. I think I know more about her than most people around here do.” 

Cliff’s eye twitched a little at this fact, which I hadn’t mentioned previously. 

I continued, “I’ve decided not to tell you what I think of her. That’s not because I’m trying to deceive you or anything. I just think you should meet her in person, talk to her, and then decide that for yourself.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Basically, I don’t want this to become an issue down the road. Don’t come complaining to me later acting like I misled you or tried to trick you, okay?” Hopefully, this would offer me some insurance if things went really badly. It also acted as a hint that he might run into some problems here. 

“I wouldn’t do a thing like that! I’m a faithful member of the Millis Church, Rudeus. We show matchmakers the proper respect.” 

Interesting. Did they think of setting people up as a virtuous deed? I wasn’t a believer myself, so the reference was kind of lost on me. Help me out here, God… “Well, I don’t belong to the Millis Church, so I don’t know what you expect of your matchmakers. Just don’t come yelling at me if I do it wrong.” 

“Come on. I wouldn’t do that.” 

“Okay then. Just remember, you’re doing this at your own risk, okay?” 

Cliff nodded impatiently. “I’m perfectly prepared for her to reject me!” 

That really wasn’t the worst-case scenario I had in mind, but okay. 

We found Elinalise all alone in an empty classroom. 

She was leaning over with her elbows resting on the windowsill, but for once there wasn’t someone naked standing right behind her. She was just looking out the window, evidently lost in thought. 

I knew what was on her mind, of course. She was waiting impatiently for the sun to finish setting. Once night fell, the bars out in town would open their doors. And inside those bars, she’d find lots of men ready and willing to have some fun. That was the only sort of thing she ever thought about. Still, from the perspective of someone who didn’t know any better, I guess she would have looked a lot like an angel. 

“Oh. Hello there, Rudeus. Did you actually come to see me for once?” Elinalise glanced over at me with an expression of mild surprise. To be sure, I hadn’t spoken to her very often since we enrolled at the University. Every once in a while, she’d come find me at lunchtime to see how I was doing, but that was about it. “Hm? And who’s this nice young man with you?” 

Cliff appeared from behind me, pressed one fist against his stomach, and brought his feet neatly together. Presumably this was some formal greeting from Millishion. 

“Elinalise, this is Cliff Grimoire. He’s a special student in his second year here.” 

“Indeed! My name is Cliff, madam,” said Cliff with a bow. “It’s a great pleasure to meet you!” 

“Goodness, what a polite young gentleman. I’m Elinalise Dragonroad. If you don’t mind my asking, is there something I can do for you?” 

“He wanted me to introduce you to him, actually,” I butted in. “That’s why we’re here.” 

“This is true,” said Cliff, nodding firmly. “Miss Elinalise, I’ve seen your face on several occasions, and your beauty always leaves me captivated! I would very much appreciate the chance to become better acquainted with you!” 

Silence settled over the room. Elinalise looked somewhat taken aback. After a long moment, she slowly straightened up, took me by the arm, and pulled me over to one side of the classroom. 

“All right, Rudeus,” she whispered in my ear. “How much do you want?” 

It took a few seconds for me to process what she meant by this. Did she think I was going to charge her for bringing her a new boy-toy? Ugh. Now I just felt gross. “I don’t want any money.” 

“What is this, then? What do you want?” 

“Nothing. He just fell in love with you, that’s all.” 

“Oh, please. Rudeus, you know what I’m like. Why would you bring a naïve little choirboy like that to meet me? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.” 

Huh. I didn’t even know you were familiar with the concept of shame. You learn something new every day… “I didn’t lie to him or anything, Elinalise. I’m just introducing you, because he asked me to.” 

“Seriously?” 

“It really is that simple. I’ll swear it on Master Roxy’s name, if you want.” 

Elinalise paused to think it over for a few seconds, then frowned. “Okay, well… if that’s true, Rudeus, this is a problem. I don’t want to deal with anyone who’s serious about me.” 

I’ll admit I was a little surprised. I’d expected her to smile and say she had a room at the inn for exactly this sort of situation. 

“You know about my curse, don’t you? I can’t have an exclusive relationship with anyone. It just wouldn’t work.” 

It wasn’t that she just preferred casual sex and frequenting brothels. She didn’t really have the option of pursuing a dedicated romance, given the nature of her curse. That was why she never let things get too serious with anyone. She’d explained all this to me before, hadn’t she? She put more thought into this than I’d given her credit for. It sounded like Cliff was probably going to leave disappointed. 

“That’s a shame. Go ahead and turn him down, then.” 

“Are you sure? Isn’t he going to resent you if I do?” 

“It’s fine.” It’s not like I had to worry about my reputation so much anymore. If he went right back to hating me, I could live with that. “Still,” I added, “Try to tell him the truth, if you can. Don’t use me as an excuse or anything.” 

“All right then. If you say so.” 

“Appreciate it.” 

With our little conference at an end, Elinalise turned back to Cliff. She was taller by a few inches. Cliff was a bit on the short side, really. They would have made a slightly unusual couple… not that it would have mattered, if they’d hit it off. It was starting to hurt just being in this room. 

“Rudeus,” said Elinalise. “I think you ought to give us some privacy.” 

“Right, of course. Pardon me…” 

I walked promptly toward the exit. I couldn’t help feeling sorry for Cliff, but this was probably the best outcome he could have hoped for. Elinalise’s curse was the biggest obstacle, but she liked playing around at this point. And Cliff was a pious member of the Millis Church, which preferred things boring and monogamous. They were basically oil and water from the start. 

“Uhm… thank you, Rudeus!” Cliff called as I left the room. 

The gratitude in his voice made my chest ache. 

*** 

A week later, I showed up at my monthly homeroom to find a certain couple engaging in a brazenly public display of affection. A tall woman sat on her boyfriend’s lap, gazing lovingly into his eyes. 

“Combined magic isn’t too hard once you’ve memorized all the fundamental physical phenomena. Even if you can’t use two schools of magic yet, you can imitate the effects of one by taking advantage of natural forces.” 

“How clever! You really do know everything , Cliff.” 

“Well, I wouldn’t say that…” 

I knew both of the people involved. They were Cliff and Elinalise. I slowly walked over and simply stared at them, head tilted. 

“Hm? Oh, Rudeus! Thank you again for the other day!” Cliff tried to stand up in greeting, but thanks to the woman on top of him, was forced to settle for bowing his head in gratitude. 

“You’re welcome, Cliff. Elinalise, would you mind explaining the situation?” 

Elinalise smiled gently up at me from her new seat. “Well, the two of us are dating now.” 

Okaaay. But why, though? This definitely wasn’t how this was supposed to go… “Uh, that’s not…what you decided beforehand, is it?” 

“What do you want from me, Rudeus? His proposal was so bold and passionate! He dethawed my heart instantly!” 

Wait, his proposal ? Did we skip a few dozen steps at some point, or is it just me? 

“Come on, Elinalise. You’re embarrassing me.” 

“I quote: I’ll lift your curse, no matter what! So please… please marry me!” 

“Hey, cut it out!” 

“Oh, you should have seen him in the inn that night, too. So innocent, so eager… Oh no, I’m getting horny just remembering it…” 

“Come on, seriously… W-We’re in public, Elinalise…” 

Cliff’s face was bright red. For all his protestations, he didn’t seem to be particularly upset. 

Well, congrats on losing your virginity, I guess. This was all mildly obnoxious, but it didn’t bother me that much, maybe because I’d had at least some experience myself now. Or maybe because I knew about Elinalise’s habits. Still… it was clear that she’d told him about the curse. It was a pretty solid reason not to start an exclusive relationship with anyone, and it was definitely real, but… 

Why the heck would Cliff have reacted by asking for her hand in marriage? 

“From now on, I’ll be restraining myself as much as I possibly can. For Cliff’s sake, of course.” 

“I told you, don’t force yourself. It’s a curse, not something you can control. A-As long as your heart belongs to me, nothing else matters…” 

“Oh, Cliff… you know it does. It was always purely physical, with the others… but I’m yours in body and in soul…” Elinalise snuggled against Cliff, enraptured, as he gently stroked her hair. A moment later, they were staring into each other’s eyes. At making-out range, naturally. 

“Elinalise…” 

“Cliff…” 

Great. Now they’re kissing. They apparently forgot that I even existed as they proceeded to make out shamelessly. 

Was this what Cliff had wanted? To be this guy? The ‘kissing in the classroom’ guy? I felt like he should rethink that one. Elinalise was saying all the right things, but I couldn’t help feeling like she was keeping him around as a convenient backup snack. Had love left the poor guy blind or what? 

I sucked in a breath, about to speak my mind, but forced myself to stop. I’d agreed to introduce them on the condition that nobody got to complain about the outcome. It would be ridiculous for me to object now. 

I glanced at the back of the classroom and I found the other three totally disinterested. Pursena was chewing on a strip of jerky, and Zanoba was talking to Julie about some figure he’d spotted in the marketplace the other day. Julie was listening earnestly, not even glancing at the couple in front. 

Linia was the only one who seemed the be bothered at all. She wore an irritable scowl. I walked over to speak with her first. “Boss, what’s the deal with that woman? I made one little comment and she called me some frickin’ nasty names…” 

“I’m not sure either, to be honest.” 

This was definitely a weird situation, but I gave myself a moment to try make some sense of it. When I left the other day, Elinalise was determined to reject Cliff firmly and completely. And from the sound of things, she’d started off the conversation on that note. Whatever else you could say about her, she was an honest person. She’d probably given Cliff all the details about her curse, and explained that the rumors about her were in fact true. 

And yet, he’d responded by proposing to her. By vowing to lift her curse and asking for her hand in marriage, he’d apparently won her over… somehow. I had no idea how this plan had even popped into Cliff’s head. His thought process here was seriously a mystery. 

If I looked at it from Elinalise’s perspective, though? This young man had promised to devote his life to her, and to helping her escape her curse. If someone just threw a fastball like that at you out of nowhere… might it actually work? Would you really fall in love with them, just like that? 

I could see that line hitting hard, at least. This curse had afflicted Elinalise for many, many years. There was no telling if Cliff could really lift it, but he’d promised to do his best to make that happen. That probably meant a lot to her. Even if she mostly enjoyed her nightly escapades, the curse had probably caused her plenty of sadness and pain. 

Maybe it really was that simple. Maybe his promises were enough to win her over. But there was more to it than that, right? Cliff had showed her some real bravery and passion. 

“Hey, Boss! I just had a great idea!” 

“What’s that, Linia?” 

“We should start dating, too! Mew! Let’s give those dorks a taste of their own medicine!” 

This was clearly not an idea Linia had given any serious thought to, but I found myself tempted to try a small experiment. “I might be willing to give it a shot,” I said slowly. “Tell me something, though. If I took you up on that, would you help find me a cure for my impotence?” 

“Huh?!” said Linia… and everyone else in the room, with the exception of Elinalise. 

Every head turned in my direction. Five very confused-looking people stared at me in silence for a few long seconds. 

What? Would it be that weird for me to date Linia? 

“B-B-Boss… D-Did you, uh… overhear us earlier, or something…?” asked Linia, her voice hesitant and nervous. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“Well, at lunch, uh… me and Pursena were talkin’ about the way you tied us up, and stripped us down, but didn’t even mate with us, you know? Mew… We were saying that your sausage probs don’t even work right.” 

Little jerks. I oughta teach them both a lesson… 

When I glanced over at Pursena, she averted her eyes immediately. “W-We weren’t making fun of you or nothing, Boss. It’s just… you didn’t smell that interested when you were touchin’ us, ya know? We sorta figured there might be something wrong.” 

All of a sudden, everyone in the classroom was looking at me with pity instead of confusion. Apparently, they’d reacted to the impotence thing, not the part about me dating Linia. Was a little erectile dysfunction really that unusual around here? 

“We weren’t gonna spread it around, Boss. Honest. Linia’s the one who made the sausage joke. She’s a moron sometimes.” 

“Shut up, Pursena! You said he’s just a harmless wimp who doesn’t have the guts to make a move on us!” 

“That was a compliment, stupid.” 

“Mew?!” 

I shook my head as the two of them broke into their usual back-and-forth, and walked over to take my seat. “It’s fine, really. I’m not trying to keep it a secret or anything.” 

“Y-Yeah! Who cares if you’re impotent, Boss? It’s not like we’re gonna think any less of you! Mew!” 

“Right. Ya might be impotent, but you’re still the boss, Boss!” 

Great, very touching. Could you stop repeating the word “impotent’”now? It’s starting to get to me a little. Maybe I should have kept this a secret after all… 

“There’s no need to let this get to you, Master!” said Zanoba cheerfully, thumping me on the shoulder. “We have our figurines! Let us live for their sake!” 

Julie tilted her head uncertainly. “Master, what does impa-tent mean?” 

“Well, I suppose it means that you can’t perform the role expected of a man… but it’s hardly important. It has no relevance to the creation of figurines.” 

“Hmm…” 

Was Zanoba actually trying to cheer me up? I could tell he was choosing his words very carefully… 

“And here I thought you were just a total perv, Boss… I guess you were just searching for a cure to your condition, huh? Brings a tear to my eye, it does… meow.” 

“I’ll help out any way I can, Boss. As long as ya gimme some meat first.” 

The cat and dog also offered some forced expressions of sympathy. It wasn’t doing much for me, though. I definitely wasn’t falling in love with them, at least. 

“For what it’s worth, Rudeus, I learned how to hear confessions as part of my training. They said I don’t have much talent in that area, but maybe I could talk things through with you, at least. Let me know if you ever need someone to lend an ear, okay?” 

On the other hand, Cliff’s words seemed warm and genuine. Now this was the sort of thing that could win a man’s heart. Too bad I wasn’t gay. I could kind of understand how Elinalise must have felt the other day, though. 

So, anyway. Cliff and Elinalise were now officially dating. I had a hard time believing that Elinalise would be able to resist the urge to sleep around. And I was positive that Cliff wouldn’t be able to put up with that for long. It was all good for now, but the relationship was obviously going to fall apart eventually. 

Not that I was going to say so, of course. 

On a different note, the other special students were now aware of my condition. The conversation had been extremely awkward, but at least they’d offered me their cooperation. 

Maybe I’d taken my first actual step forward here. Maybe. I just really wanted to get this thing taken care of so I could swap spit with someone, too.