CHAPTER 1
SUBARU NATSUKI’S RESTART
1
—Subaru Natsuki experienced only a single moment between losing consciousness and reviving.
“?”
His head had smashed against the hard ground, bathing his world red just an instant ago.
The moment after he lost all five senses, Subaru found himself on top of the soft bed.
“Whew—”
He exhaled. His body relaxed as the shock of death retreated from his soul.
It was enough to make him pull up the sheets and cower, forgetting even to breathe.
Of course it was. He’d never leaped off a cliff and taken his own life before.
His fourth death in this loop was suicide. Without a manual for how Return by Death worked, or any precedent, that could have truly been the end of Subaru’s life for all he knew.
But—
“I’m…back…”
Subaru clenched his trembling fist, smiling thinly at the white ceiling that filled his vision.
The soft bed, the sweet-smelling pillow, the well-furnished suite—all of it belonged to the guest room that had greeted Subaru on his first day at Roswaal Manor.
And more importantly—
“Sister, Sister. Our Dear Guest appears to be slow to wake.”
“Rem, Rem. Our Dear Guest seems to be slow in the head for his age.”
The twin sisters were clasping the other’s hands, their eyes side by side as they looked at Subaru from the foot of the bed.
They wore little black dresses with white aprons on the front. Both had dazzling white lace headpieces on top of their short bob hairstyles, one with pink hair, the other with blue. Their faces were young and lovely.
They were the maids who took care of the mansion, and also the reason Subaru had made his Return by Death.
Subaru’s heart shuddered at hearing their familiar voices speaking in familiar ways, during what would be the fifth round of meeting them for the first time.
He had a mountain of things he wanted to ask. But he felt like something was lodged in his throat; the words wouldn’t come out.
Seeing Rem alive and well, while Ram behaved with her typical rudeness, everything felt so ordinary and natural that it was hard for Subaru to keep his emotions down.
“Dear Guest, Dear Guest. Is something wrong? Are you unwell?”
“Dear Guest, Dear Guest. Are you sick? Perhaps a chronic illness?”
Subaru put a hand on his chest and lowered his head before the bewildered twins.
The maids went to one side of the bed and separated slightly, reaching out with one small palm each as if to touch Subaru from both sides.
Those hands—
“Let me borrow those for a sec.”
“Eh?”
“Ah.”
Subaru, not waiting for them to say yes, grasped their hands, entwining his fingers into theirs.
With the sisters frozen in surprise, he got a good feel for their slender fingers and the warmth of their palms.
“Yeah, I knew it… There’s no mistaking it.”
Subaru remembered the feel of their hands and how their warmth had saved him in his time of need.
He wasn’t wrong about what had given him the determination to throw himself off that cliff.
Both pulled their hands back and poured scorn on Subaru’s rude, insolent behavior.
“No, Dear Guest. You are surely mistaken. About everything.”
“No, Dear Guest. It was surely a mistake that you were born.”
But Subaru nodded as if even those cruel words were music that refreshed his soul.
“All things considered, I probably shouldn’t smile at that…but right now, it feels good.”
“Sister, Sister. Might Dear Guest actually enjoy being insulted?”
“Rem, Rem. Might Dear Guest be a perverted masochist?”
These were odd accusations to throw at a “Dear Guest” so quickly, but he smiled and let them slide.
If it meant he could really do things over with the two of them, everything else was unimportant.
Faced with an attitude that was less caution and more blatant, visceral distaste, Subaru hopped off the bed. He pressed a hand to his butt as he double-checked his body’s condition before turning toward their two suspicious faces.
“Sorry for doing that earlier without even saying hi. There’s something I want to say beyond apologizing, though.”
Subaru crossed his arms, dramatically puffed his chest, and sat back down, directly facing Ram and Rem. Feeling the rather sharp gazes that both trained upon him, Subaru absentmindedly mused, They’re probably already starting to assess me.
If Subaru Natsuki could not win their trust, indeed, the trust of everyone under the mansion’s roof, he could not hope to regain the peaceful, tranquil time he had lost.
So he chose to throw caution to the wind, hoping to assuage their suspicions—
“I mean, geez, I’m not some kind of delinquent who can’t get along with anyone…”
Hearing Subaru’s murmur, both of them tilted their heads a little, as if they had their doubts about that.
Finding it funny that even now their gestures were syncing up, Subaru felt the tension and stress drain from his body. He already knew what he wanted to say, as well as what he needed to do.
“—I trust you, so let’s get along, okay?”
Just like in the first loop, he’d do his best to earn the girls’ trust.
Having a little knowledge of the future didn’t change Subaru’s core nature, nor did the mere possibility he might be able to change things. All he could do was address the situation before his eyes and live every day to the fullest.
Subaru’s request made the twins look at each other and trade a silent conversation between their eyes. Their back and forth was still going on when they abruptly looked toward the door, having noticed a lone girl entering at just that moment.
She had skin so pale you could almost see through it, with silver hair she wore down to her hips. Her violet eyes seemed to emit a bewitching magical spell that lured you in. It was Emilia, a girl of inhuman beauty.
Emilia, noticing Subaru staring at her, broke out in a small smile as she looked among the three in the room.
“I heard a ruckus, so I came to peek… You seem pretty lively, Subaru. I’m glad.”
“I felt kind of conflicted there, but seeing Emilia-tan blows all that away. You’re like a compassion pill that works extra strong on my heart.”
“Sorry, I don’t really know what you’re saying…”
A troubled look came over Emilia’s beautiful face because Subaru was speaking even more glibly than usual.
“Even your sad look is cute… You’re always fresh, and that makes me feel refreshed.”
“Somehow, that sounds kind of creepy. But good morning. I’m glad you’re safe.”
The grimace she had made quickly softened into a charming smile and she beamed at Subaru.
As far as Emilia was concerned, this was their first reunion after the events in the royal capital. Subaru sincerely accepted Emilia’s words of relief at seeing him come back from the brink of death.
“Yeah, good morning. Well, let’s start again, shall we?”
The three girls in the room, not understanding what Subaru meant by that, tilted their heads slightly with puzzled looks.
Seeing all three of them react like a trio of sisters made Subaru break out in laughter.
“What I meant was, it’s time for me to start clearing the Roswaal Manor level.”
His goal was to reach the morning he wished to see for him, and for everyone at the manor.
—Now, let’s get this show on the road.
And so, he began his first day at Roswaal Manor for the fifth time.
2
He needed to surpass two major obstacles to get through his first week at Roswaal Manor.
The first was to win the trust of everyone living there. This meant not just Ram and Rem but their master, Roswaal, as well.
If the girls saw any part of him as even remotely dubious, the chances they’d commit murder to silence him were exceptionally high.
The second obstacle was bringing down the shaman attacking Roswaal Manor.
But he didn’t have any real leads for doing that as of yet.
His opponent was a tough one, his true identity remaining concealed even as Subaru was taking his fifth crack at it.
Subaru needed to earn the twins’ trust and deal with this unknown, evil magic user. Those were the victory conditions he had discovered by his fourth death.
However, Subaru still lacked many of the elements he needed to fulfill those requirements. In spite of his Return by Death, he hadn’t been able to lay his hands on anything solid.
His head felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, but Subaru threw off his negative emotions and looked to the future.
He had to confront the wall standing before him no matter how high it was.
It was Subaru’s choice to come back and do this, not knowing if he’d even make it. He decided that, having once experienced death by his own hands, he would do it…even if it killed him.
3
The moon was rising in the nighttime sky as a private discussion took place in the study on Roswaal Manor’s highest floor.
The man sat at the desk, posing his question in his slow, exaggerated manner of speech.
“So hooow is he, Ram? How would you raaate him from what you have seeeen?”
He was a man with long indigo hair with ghastly pale skin, and he would look something like a classic variety pretty boy—if not for the clown-like makeup covering his face. That, combined with his peculiar speech pattern, made him a hard man to forget.
He was Roswaal L. Mathers, lord and master of the manor.
Participating in the conversation were Roswaal and a maid—Ram—facing toward him and the desk.
Roswaal crossed his arms and made a broad smile while Ram tilted her head, deep in thought. He raised an eyebrow, finding her hesitance to make her report a rare sight.
“Hmmmm, to see Ram, prone to snap judgments about everything, so conceeerned, it is quite a siiight, is it nooot? Perhaaaaps one day is not sufficient to get to know him?”
“That is…not the case. However…”
Though she immediately denied it, her words revealed a lack of clarity. Ram put a fingertip to her own lips and still seemed a little unsure as she began to speak again.
“Let me grade him first. He…Barusu…has no ability. His workmanship as a servant is completely amateur.”
“My, my… Is it not somewhat puuuzzling that he himself asked for this role?”
Roswaal grinned as he recalled the exchange over that morning’s breakfast. He remembered, too, what words the freshly awakened guest employed as he sought a reward for his exploits.
What stood out was Subaru’s claim of being a teenager with good health, a half-decent education, and a not-terrible head. It was a robust self-assessment that, by the same token, merited a certain level of caution.
Accordingly, he had commanded Ram to oversee his education, as well as to observe his actions and report her findings, as she was doing that moment. He had not thought the matter would be resolved in a single day, but Ram’s hesitance in making her report was a problem in itself.
Roswaal rested his cheek against his hand. Ram held her silence for a little while before opening her mouth.
“There are some mysterious things about Barusu.”
“Yes, yes, do teeell. Speak of anything that stands out.”
“He can be said to be completely without talent, but Barusu seems to be…a little too quick-witted when it comes to particular things.”
“What do you mean, a little toooo quick-witted?”
“These are very minor things, but…in the middle of work, he seems overly familiar with minor details about the mansion, things I have yet to teach him. When putting dishes away, he opened the drawers in the proper order. Also, our…tastes in tea leaves.”
“?”
Roswaal said nothing in reply to Ram’s words, instead silently running a fingertip across his chin. Seeing Roswaal do this, Ram added, “Of course, these are all quite minor details. After breakfast, I gave him a brief tour and explanation of the mansion. I noticed his eyes drifting to various places. That is really all, but…”
“I see, too much to be a set of simple coincidences… That is rather iiinteresting.”
Suspicion begins from the smallest things. If he was not overthinking it, Subaru could have checked out the mansion before infiltrating it in earnest.
But what made that possibility difficult to fathom was…
“His feat was protecting Lady Emilia in the royal capital, was it nooot…?”
“It seems too…blatant a means to infiltrate the mansion. At any rate, he might well have lost his life had Lady Beatrice not been available.”
The memory of his being carried into the mansion was still fresh in Roswaal’s mind. Though he had not healed the boy personally, it was impossible that Beatrice would participate in such a scheme. Furthermore, Ram had nursed the wounded Subaru the entire way back from the royal capital. Slipping something past both of them was very unlikely.
“All things considered, such thoughts seem sooomewhat excessive in light of the faaacts.”
“The Bowel Hunter’ who attacked Lady Emilia… I imagine it is possible he conspired with her to infiltrate the mansion, but…”
Ram’s words lacked conviction, suggesting even she viewed it as unlikely. For his part, Roswaal shook his head.
“No, that is not pooossible. Surely we need not even suspeeect that the Bowel Hunter would team up with him?”
“…Is…that so?”
“More importantly, are there any other issues of concern?”
Prodded by Roswaal to move on, Ram lowered her eyes.
“I suppose that…putting aside his being too quick-witted from time to time…Barusu is so optimistic, it is rather nauseating.”
“Eh?”
Roswaal raised an eyebrow at Ram’s statement. She seemed to be not so much choosing her words carefully as she was searching for the right ones to use.
Surely even Ram knew she’d said something off topic. Ram continued, looking frustrated at her own inability to find a more accurate explanation.
“At this rate, he will speak himself to death. His smile never falters when he bumbles, and he seems exceptionally attentive to how he behaves toward us…”
“…What do you thiiink of that?”
“…It is different from how Lady Emilia describes him… Namely, how he’s honest about his own desires like a little child, genuine in a likable way…”
Ram tried to keep her response to the subtle question short.
Roswaal, having had little contact with Subaru, couldn’t understand what made Ram so doubtful. But these were the words of a loyal retainer who had a long record of service. Roswaal tugged on his chin as he digested Ram’s analysis
“It seeeems we shall have to keep an eye on him for some tiiime. His first day made for difficult viewing, but it cannot be heeelped. It is aaalso a fact he deserves a commensurate rewaaard in thanks for saving Lady Emilia.”
“…And if…it becomes necessary?”
Ram’s hesitation made it seem like she didn’t want to hear what would come next.
The expression on her face remained the same, but Roswaal had spent long enough around her to read what she was feeling inside. Roswaal beheld Ram’s moment of weakness with his yellow eye as he made a small shake of his head.
“This is a matter we must handle with great deeelicacy. Above all else, see to it that Rem does not get ahead of herself.”
Ram nodded crisply in response to Roswaal’s command.
The maid not participating in the conversation, Rem, had a tendency to act according to her own ideas from time to time. Usually, her rushed judgment could be met with just a cute little scolding.
At times like these, however, independent action was likely to push things in a very poor direction. She might well eliminate the danger beforehand, worsening his relationship with Emilia in the process.
The thought did not amuse him.
“Yes, I shall…endeavor that Rem does not act on her feelings of distrust toward Barusu.”
Roswaal leaned back with a creak of the chair. His voice felt tired somehow as he murmured.
“I am deeply grateful. This is a time of great expectations… Indeed, time to put them all to the test.”
Ram started to say something to him, but she closed her mouth and held her tongue. Silence descended between the two as the cool night air drifted in.
“So, Ram, shall we concluuude your report here?”
“…Yes. I apologize for not being able to convey a great deal.”
“I shall not scooold you for such a thing. Now, then, shall we proceed? After nothing for two days, you are aching rather considerably, are you nooot?”
“Ah…yes.”
Ram somehow seemed bewitched as she obeyed Roswaal’s beckoning finger. From her standing position before the desk, she seemed to wobble as she stepped close to Roswaal and meekly sat on his lap.
“Once again, if you will…excuse me.”
“’Tis merely exercising a natural right. It is the same as always, nooothing to be embarrassed about. Your precious body does not belong to you alooone, after all?”
He stroked her cheek. She gently closed her eyes as he tilted her head up. Stroking her pink hair with his other hand, Roswaal closed one eye, gazing down upon Ram with his golden iris.
“Now, theeen, given what you are to us…we should get along nicely, yes?”
Roswaal murmured mostly to himself as his consciousness switched to a different gear. He stared at Ram before him, his consciousness sinking into Ram and Ram alone.
The first night at Roswaal Manor grew late as the suspicious conversation between master and maid came to a conclusion.
4
“Good morning! The weather’s great today, perfect for laundry! Let’s make this a happy day!”
Subaru raised a shrill hip, hip, hurrah! to welcome the arrival of the rising sun.
It was his fifth go at his second morning in Roswaal Manor.
He stood in the middle of the garden, his body bathed in morning sunlight as he twisted his upper body all about. He used the popular morning warm-up exercise to get blood circulating through his whole body, making full use of the energy he had gained from sleep.
“Yes, victory!”
Finally, he thrust both hands into the sky and shouted in triumph as he finished the start to the start of another day.
Subaru vigorously wiped away the light sweat on his brow and turned around with a smile. Emilia smiled back, albeit tersely, standing in the corner of the garden as she engaged in her daily conversation with lesser spirits under the shade of a tree.
“You really are energetic in the morning…”
“Hey, don’t talk like it’s all me here. Put your back into it, Emilia-tan!”
Puck, Emilia’s little cat spirit, was hovering alongside her, cleaning his face with his paw.
“When I see him clean his face like that, I’m like, he’s seriously a cat. I guess spirits get sleepy, too, huh? He looks half asleep there.”
“You sleep when you’re tired, too, don’t you? When mana, the source of our vital power, fades away, well, it’s close enough. If we’re not getting enough mana…”
Puck yawned generously. Emilia put her hand to her mouth and yawned a little, too.
“Both up late, huh? You were staying up talking to a boy you like, weren’t you? Let me in on it! Huh? Which girl do I like…? That’s, ah, embarrassing to say, you see…”
Subaru folded his arms, looking down as he glanced a little at Emilia.
“All right, all right,” Emilia said, waving casually at Subaru’s act. “I like Puck. Puck likes me. The end.”
“Mutual love?! Is there any room for me in there?!”
“Not even a little, meow. My charm sets Lia’s heart a-flutter. You might not be a bad catch, Subaru, but all that is wasted before me. You should just give up on Lia right…meow, meow!”
Subaru closed on Puck, glaring down at him with reproach, but Emilia’s fingers caught one ear on each of them before they could start anything.
“Don’t get carried away. I’m going to be upset if that’s all you two do.”
“Ow, ow, she’s upset, ow!”
Subaru and Puck meekly endured Emilia’s punishment together.
When Emilia let go of their ears, they both rubbed their aching heads as she stood before them, hands on her hips.
“I’m glad you two are getting along, but no taking advantage of people just so you can play. Say yes if you understand.”
“Yeees.”
Both of them raised a hand and nodded firmly.
Strangely, though being treated like a child should have bothered Subaru, seeing Emilia’s pleasant, satisfied smile made such minor concerns irrelevant.
Emilia, not noticing that Subaru had completely fallen for her smile, abruptly clapped her hands.
“Oh, right, now is good. Subaru, sit over here for a moment?”
Emilia sat on the grass with her legs out to the side, patting the ground beside her to invite Subaru over.
“You call, I come running! What, what? The timing’s good for what exactly? No matter what your request, Subaru Natsuki leaves no itch unscratched. If there’s a place you can’t reach, just command me to scratch it and I shall obey!”
“All I said was to sit beside me. That’s a bigger reaction than I expected. What should I do?”
Unsurprisingly, Emilia made a pained smile at Subaru’s fierce enthusiasm.
“Err…yesterday was your first day at work. How did it go? Did you do well?”
“Ah, yeah, failed at eighty percent of it!”
“I see; you’re certainly full of confi… Eh? Failed? Eighty percent of it?”
“Er, maybe eighty’s overstating it… Maybe more like six, no…seventy-five.”
“That still means you flunked a lot of things…”
Emilia acted like she felt responsible somehow for Subaru’s unexpectedly low rating of his own work. But she immediately lifted her face in a show of concern.
“Ah, but, hey, that meant you got twenty percent of work right on your first day, huh? That’s fine; I’m sure it’s all right. Be confident, now.”
“Hey, you’re right! It’s a long road, but if I start at twenty percent, I can raise that little by little from here!”
“Don’t be conceited. Reflect on it properly.”
“If you’re going to start sweet, why can’t you end sweet?! Ah, no, it’s nothing, very sorry.”
Subaru, cowed by the pressure of Emilia’s glare, shrank and nodded meekly.
In any case…
“I do feel like I’m eating Ram’s and Rem’s dust somehow. Getting twenty percent right while trying my best means that’s just where I’m at, so no helping it. I’ll just expect better from myself going forward.”
“If you’re going to be that optimistic about it, there’s nothing more I can say, but…”
Upon hearing Subaru’s positive declaration, Emilia tapered her lips into something that resembled a pout. The cute childlike behavior she indulged in from time to time never failed to light a fiery yearning in Subaru.
But he restrained himself, smothering the embers.
Subaru pointed at Emilia with a finger from each hand in a comical gesture.
“So, so, you see, I’m spending every day with maid sisters tutoring me while I devote myself to life as a servant. If I get tired of that life I’ll just come running to Emilia-tan’s lap, so leave it open, okay?”
“…I was only half listening to that, but it sounded kind of all right.”
“Harsh assessment with a cute face! Well, if that half was the lap part, that’s A-OK! Like I said, leave that lap open for me for tonight, Emilia-tan… Don’t steal my spot, Puck!”
Subaru thrust a finger at Puck, calling out his name. Puck reacted to the declaration of war with a casual flick of his own whiskers.
“It doesn’t matter what you say, Lia’s pact with me means her heart and body are already mine. There’s no changing our relationship meow, meow!”
Emilia grabbed Puck’s ears for his incorrigible behavior and tossed him into the air to make him ponder the error of his ways.
“Goodness, don’t change the terms of our pact behind my back.”
Maybe Puck was just used to it, for despite that, he simply landed in Emilia’s hands and happily wriggled in them with a look of complete calm. Subaru couldn’t help but feel envious of their relationship.
“Well, now that I’ve energized myself I’d better start the morning work.”
“What do you mean, ‘energized yourself’?”
“By teasing Emilia-tan.”
“There you go again. If all you do is tease people, they won’t trust anything you say when you’re actually telling the truth, you know?”
“That sounds like something out of a fairy tale. If that happens, guess I’ll be reaping what I sowed…”
“Wait, you’re telling me that…?”
With Emilia giving him an exasperated look, Subaru sent a bright smile back her way as he rose, brushing off his backside.
“They’ll be seriously ticked if I don’t get going, though. I’m supposed to help them with this morning’s breakfast. Emilia-tan, you don’t like eating green beppers, do you? I’ll make sure they’re not on your plate.”
“You have to eat even the veggies you don’t li—When did I tell you I don’t like green beppers?”
Emilia tilted her head with a questioning look as Subaru departed with a little smile and a wave.
She actually had talked to him about it; he’d even seen her distaste for them with his own eyes.
He focused on staying on the path, always joking whenever Emilia set eyes on him.
—He had to focus, focus, always focus, to keep the smile on his face.
5
Emilia watched Subaru wander off until he was out of sight before letting out a small sigh.
Puck, watching Subaru from her palm, abruptly looked up when he realized Emilia was now watching him.
“That’s a gloomy face. What’s wrong?”
“I just feel down somehow. I can’t really put it into words.”
Emilia cringed at the wishy-washy attempt to express her internal unease. But what caught in her throat didn’t have a chance to become proper words as she sighed again.
Puck’s pink nose twitched as he watched Emilia’s conflict.
“You’re worried about Subaru? It’s not often you worry about other people like this.”
“Don’t go off and phrase it like I’m some sort of klutz at dealing with people. I’m not bad at getting close to others… I just haven’t had many chances to do it!”
Emilia puffed out her cheeks, an expression she refused to show to anyone save Puck.
Though it looked like the act of a spoiled brat, it was a testament to Emilia’s absolute faith in Puck. The spirit, fully accepting her trust, smiled up at her like she was his own daughter.
He offered a nod toward the delicate emotions Emilia couldn’t put into words.
“Well, it’s no surprise it’s throwing you off. Because this has become a little bit of a problem.”
“Bit of a…problem?”
He’d said the words in a casual manner, but Emilia’s face grew tense; she couldn’t miss the tone behind them.
By nature, Puck behaved exactly the same no matter how high-pressure the situation. She didn’t know if it was because he was a spirit or if it was simply his personality that made him that way, but he reserved grave observations as a spirit to provide input for hard, important decisions—namely Emilia’s.
Seeing Emilia’s breath catch, Puck casually toyed with his whiskers. He still spoke in his peculiar manner to the end.
“I only touched him a little, but Subaru’s mind is all scrambled. What he shows on the outside doesn’t match the inside. At this rate, it won’t be long before he reaches the end of his rope.”
6
The high-pitched ting and the sound of pottery breaking made Ram’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise.
The young manservant prancing around like a dancer—Subaru—raised his voice as he grabbed hold of a broom and dustpan.
“It’s okay! It’s okay! Don’t worry! I’ve got this!”
He quickly cleaned up the ceramic fragments scattered at his feet and pretended to wipe sweat off his brow.
When he looked at Rem, who’d stared at him during the entire sequence, he flashed his teeth in a fiendish smile.
“Don’t worry. I took care of it super fast, and there wasn’t even one casualty.”
“I think your concern is praiseworthy, but were you not the one who dropped the vase, Subaru? I need to get a replacement vase, wipe the floor, put the flowers in order…”
“No, it’s all right! I can get a vase and put the flowers in myself! Go ahead and focus on your own work!”
Driving Rem off almost like he was ordering her, Subaru headed to the storage for furnishings and returned several minutes later with a proper vase. He promptly put the new vase in the same place as the old and added water and the flowers, returning things to as they were.
“Whew. Feels good to get a job done, Remrin.”
“It is extra work you made for yourself, but at least you took care of it… Subaru, where did you hear where the spare vases are? From Sister?”
“Mm, ah, er… Right, your big sis! It’s me we’re talking about here—she was pretty sure I’d break one at some point. So she told me in advance exactly where to get a new vase!”
Listening to the clumsy excuse, Rem did not think, That is Sister for you, such foresight. She was less concerned with the vase and more with the fact that Subaru had such a grasp of the mansion’s layout that he’d retrieved the broom and dustpan to clean the broken vase with, then gone to grab a spare, without any hesitation.
Rem really doubted someone working for only a day or two would do such a thing.
That said, rather than raise her suspicions…
“You all right? You’re so swamped with work, go ahead and send some my way. I’ll do it; I’ll do anything.”
…He was so friendly about it that she just couldn’t put a finger on the problem.
It was not the behavior of someone bearing malice or hostility, but neither was it how a guileless person behaved. More to the point, for someone hiding something, his facade was riddled with openings.
He looked like he was genuinely trying to get used to the job and attempting to get along well with Rem and Ram.
Rem knitted her brow, looking like she was warding off the emotions bearing down on her at his earnestness.
The sight of Subaru striving so hard, even when no one acknowledged it, stirred up a throbbing ache in her chest.
“Subar—”
“Oh, I forgot the work Ramchi asked me to do! Sorry, I’d better hurry up and take care of that! I’ll hook back up with you right after!”
Subaru rushed into the hallway faster than she could call out to stop him. Rem withdrew the fingers she’d reached out to him with, looking over her shoulder as if she should discuss her misgivings with her older sister, but—
“—No, it is not enough to trouble Sister over.”
Rem walked toward her own work space, trying to wrap up her remaining work and reduce the lingering ache in her chest in the process.
7
—I feel sick.
“Oh, Ramchi! Did you see me? I’m doing pretty well with a kitchen knife after just one day learning it, huh? Maybe my talent is taking bloom!”
—I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick.
“Remrin, look, look! Right now, my fingers are miraculously imbued with the skill that makes such fine workmanship possible! The power of illusion!”
—I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick.
“Meeting Emilia-tan really puts my heart in a jumble! It’s too sinful! I feel so guilty!”
—I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick I feel sick.
He kept a smile nailed to his face as he continued trying to sound playful. He wrestled with his entrusted tasks full force, resolutely attacking problems with no fear of failure, and when he was done, he wandered around looking for more to do.
He had to. He needed to.
He didn’t have a single second to waste. It was like a video game where you simulated in your head every potential outcome to a particular event. He had to manage the event flags. That was his specialty, right? The more he encountered them, the better his odds.
—I should be able to make them smile more. I should be able to make them laugh more.
His actions were meaninglessly exaggerated. He tried to convince them he was an oblivious fool. He tried not to make them think he was useless. His head spun and spun, always weighing his actions.
Subaru constantly kept watch for anything that seemed remotely out of the ordinary. He couldn’t let his guard slip for a single instant, never mind a second.
—I can’t make a mistake. I just can’t. I can’t.
Warning bells rang without pause in his head at repeating things over and over.
Danger, danger, they announced.
He hadn’t advanced an inch since reaching this other world, but he felt his sensitivity to peril, at least, had grown more acute.
“See, Ramchi? I’m not slacking off here. I’m totally doing so much work. Almost enough that my superior could just go back to her room and take a nap, you know?”
He evaded the situation with an irregular approach, casually glossing things over with a charming smile.
He wondered if he could really do it. Could Subaru Natsuki really pull this off? He hadn’t given them reason to doubt him, had he? He paid ten, no, a hundred times more attention, not only in front of Ram but Rem as well.
He played Subaru Natsuki, erasing the unnatural with the natural.
It was simple. It was all up to him. He had to pay not the slightest bit of attention to what anyone living at the mansion really thought, bathing himself in innocence and lack of restraint, until he seemed like a lazy pig who took whatever was given unto him.
As far as the world was concerned, he knew nothing, could do nothing, noticed nothing, and that was all there was to him.
He continued to loiter about, wearing his charming grin like a mask.
He was inside the mansion. He didn’t know who would pop out or when. His free time wasn’t free. He spent all his spare time examining his past actions and forming plans for what he’d do in the hours to come.
“Wh…o…a…”
He suddenly felt the urge to throw up.
A slight moan slipped from the corner of his mouth, but Subaru’s smile did not falter whatsoever.
He kept his expression steady, skipping as he walked, practically dancing his way as he slipped into the nearest guest room. And he stepped over to the room’s lavatory when…
“…Blehhch. Uuogh, uuuuughnn…!”
The contents of his already-empty stomach poured out.
He vomited up every bit of the food and drink that had entered his body. That time, everything came out as sickly yellow stomach acid. And the internal pain that had made him spew it all continued to ache.
The nausea wouldn’t go away. He gulped down running water until he was full, then expelled it immediately afterward. This repeated several times, his stomach heaving like it was cleaning itself out.
“Haaah…haaah…haaah…”
Subaru roughly wiped his mouth with his sleeve, his face pale and his breath ragged.
The pressure was killing him. If he kept this up without any time to rest his mind, he felt like he’d waste away and expire from that alone.
He wanted to laugh at himself for putting himself in this situation, but not even the faintest smile would form on his lips.
All that welled up from within his chest was anxiety and despair.
—Am I really pulling it off?
The time he’d gotten along with everyone best was during that first loop, when he knew nothing.
From the second loop on, he’d been so obsessed with the first loop that it caused problems in his work and personal relations. That was probably a major reason why he hadn’t earned the sisters’ trust.
Consequently, Subaru was using the first loop as his model this time around. That said, he’d failed in the second loop by trying to copy the first. That meant he had to do things better than the first time.
Meaning, all he had to do was put everything into any work he found in front of him and do well at it.
“But that still only gets me fifty points… Can’t get a hundred if I don’t figure out who the shaman is…”
Merely evading death by the sisters’ hands wouldn’t protect Subaru from the menace of the shaman.
On the morning of the fifth day, someone in the mansion would be crying. It might be over Subaru; it might be over Rem.
Subaru really wanted to get information on the shaman, to turn it over to the others so they could plan a counterattack, but he could not. Even if he suggested courses of action, they didn’t trust him enough to act on them yet; he also couldn’t divulge the source of his information.
And Subaru would get a little taste of hell if he broke the prohibition on speaking to others about Return by Death.
Pain scared him, but what terrified him even more was meeting the fingertips of that black cloud.
He had to win the others’ trust and expose the shaman’s identity.
Time was extremely short—enough to make him feel like the walls were closing in.
He had to do something, but he was rushing down a blind alley.
The night before, he’d been held captive by that vortex of helplessness, unable to get a wink of sleep, no answer forthcoming. He felt powerless, having well-founded reasons for his anxiety but being unable to find any solution for it.
He’d paid with his life to come back, yet there he was, an incapable fool.
“Ah, damn it… I’m being pathetic.”
He couldn’t fail here. His back was against the wall.
Even if it was a life he’d thrown away, a life that ought to have been over, he was afraid of losing it again.
It was his fifth time. Even Subaru wasn’t optimistic enough to think he could come back again.
His spirit was in tatters from his mind continually being bashed. If he wasn’t at the brink, he wouldn’t have made the decision to struggle with all his might.
He simply lacked the courage. He was mediocre. Ordinary in every way.
The more he learned how small a person he truly was, the more he grew to despise himself.
“Stupid, stupid. This isn’t the time to whine and cry…”
If he had time to complain, then he had time to run his frivolous mouth and make a better impression.
Shaking off his nausea, Subaru slapped his stiff cheeks in self-rebuke and headed out of the guest room.
It was free time right now, but he didn’t have a moment for a break. He couldn’t waste a second on rest.
He had to find where Ram and Rem had gone and—
“I’ve finally found you.”
He was putting his thoughts in order when he heard someone call to him from behind.
When he looked back, he saw Emilia standing there, breathing slightly heavily.
The instant Subaru set eyes on Emilia, his mind clicked and switched to a different gear.
He forgot all about the pain in his stomach, the ache in his chest, and the stifling feeling, turning everything toward Emilia. His cheeks bent into a smile.
“Oh, Emilia-tan calling me by name. I’m happy, embarrassed—it’s so rare! Your word is my command! I will pass through fire and water for you, even loot sellers!”
Subaru shoved his emotions to the back of his mind for Emilia with a lot more verve than was necessary.
He prided himself on quick comebacks, but Emilia had a different reaction to seeing it than he had expected. He expected an exasperated look and a sigh or something, but instead…
“…Subaru…”
“Wait, now, if you’re the Emilia-tan I know, you should be… Hurk! Are you an imposter?! But could someone else really copy a beautiful girl wrapped in such an adorable package?!”
His ridiculous humor invited amazement, but Emilia’s reaction to even this was muted.
Defying all his expectations, Emilia looked at Subaru, her eyes filled with…pity.
—Not good, his instincts warned him.
“Eh? You’ve gone quiet. This isn’t some sort of prank you’re playing on a guy who gets carried away on tangents, right? You know, like me!”
This is wrong, said a voice inside his brain, over and over.
Emilia wasn’t shocked or angry; she was simply staring at Subaru with pained eyes.
—I wonder if the comedian’s mask I’m wearing slipped somehow.
The instant worry wormed its way in as Subaru remembered the kitty cat always hovering by Emilia’s side. That cat was also a spirit able to read the subconscious thoughts of others.
It was only then that Subaru realized that the jig was up.
The charming smile plastered onto his face vanished, replaced by a look like that of a child fearful of being scolded.
What a joke. She’d seen through him time and time again while he danced in an effort to hide it all. More than that, Emilia was the one he least wanted to know; his tiny bit of pride at pulling the wool over her eyes was destroyed.
A silence fell between them.
Subaru could no longer find words to say. Emilia looked like she was trying to find some herself, without success.
—I’m disappointing Emilia. I didn’t want that to happen, above all else.
But Subaru didn’t know what excuse he could form. He opened his mouth several times, stopping each time, unable to find the right words.
Seeing words fail Subaru, Emilia abruptly murmured “all right” to herself quietly before continuing.
“Subaru. Come with me.”
“…Ah?”
“Just come on.”
Emilia grabbed Subaru’s arm, dragging him along into the guest room right beside them. A questioning look came over Subaru about going back to the room he’d just left. But Emilia left Subaru hanging as she put her hands on her hips and looked around the room. When she pointed at the floor, her voice rang like a silver bell, as always.
“All right, Subaru. Sit.”
He followed her finger downward. The carpeted floor belonged to a room no one was using but was cleaned regularly nonetheless. Granted, it was soft enough to sleep on, but…
“If I’m going to be sitting, why not the bed or a chair? Why the floor specifica—”
“Just sit already!”
“Yes, with pleasure!”
Cowed by the strong tone she had never used, Subaru dove onto the floor without hesitation and sat properly on his knees. Emilia nodded, apparently satisfied, and stood right beside him.
Naturally, this left Subaru looking up at Emilia from a submissive position, but wicked thoughts never entered his mind. Instead, he was desperately trying to figure out what her intentions were.
Emilia’s voice sounded quietly from her throat.
“…Okay.”
She seemed to have said it for her own benefit. Emilia took a deep breath and sat right beside Subaru, kneeling just as he was.
Subaru’s heart thumped at Emilia sitting within touching distance, but his sideways glance at her pale face could not tell him what she was thinking. He belatedly realized that her cheeks were flushed; even her ears were red.
“This is a special occasion, all right?”
“—Eh?”
Something pressed against the back of Subaru’s head faster than he could properly voice his doubts. Already kneeling, his body offered no resistance as it bent forward—until a very soft sensation hit him.
“The position’s a little awkward, and, mm…kind of prickly.”
Something shifted around under his head as he heard Emilia’s fairly bashful-sounding voice from right overhead.
In surprise, he looked up; the sight before him made his eyes go wide.
Right above him, Emilia’s face was so close that they were almost touching. His eyes reflected a beautiful face that was inverted. Subaru belatedly grasped, Oh, I’m upside down looking up at her.
This distance, her upside-down position, the soft sensation under his head…
—Subaru mentally searched for terms to describe it and found exactly one.
“Lap…pillow?”
“It’s embarrassing, so please don’t say it out loud. And you’re not allowed to look this way. Close your eyes.”
She gave his forehead a light slap, using the palm of her hand to cover his eyes, obstructing his field of vision.
However, Subaru moved Emilia’s resisting hand aside and dragged the words out.
“Emilia-tan, you’re the best when you’re embarrassed…but what is this? When did I do something to earn a reward like this?”
“You don’t need to put up that front right now. ”
She smacked his forehead again. But this time Emilia left her hand on it, stroking Subaru’s hair with her fingers. He squinted at the ticklish feeling.
“You asked me to let you rest on my lap when you were tired, didn’t you, Subaru? So that’s what I’m doing. It won’t be like this all the time, but today’s special.”
“Special? Come on, it’s not even the end of the second day here. My body’s not weak enough to keel over from overwork that fast…”
“I can tell you’re beat-up just by looking at you. You won’t go into the details and tell me, will you? I don’t think this’ll make everything better, but…it’s the only thing I can do, so…”
Her compassionate gaze made it hard to brush her off. Her fingers had parted his black hair; she began to gently stroke his forehead like he was a little boy.
Subaru burst out laughing and tried to twist away from Emilia’s fingers.
He had promised himself to stay strong in front of Emilia. To say this was all a misunderstanding. To say he wouldn’t do anything as unseemly and uncool as that.
“Ha-ha… Emilia-tan, you, doing that…for…me…”
Yet his voice was shrill. His throat caught, and the next words wouldn’t come out.
Subaru couldn’t switch mental gears when he felt her soft fingertips stroking his forehead.
“You’re tired, aren’t you?”
“I—I can still do…more. I’m totally…all right…”
“Have you been having trouble?”
“You’re being so nice to me, I mean, I’m gonna blush. If you keep doing that, I’m…gonna… Ha-ha…”
Subaru’s reply to her brief question sounded like complete lies. Even he could tell that his words sounded hollow and empty.
Then Emilia gently drew her face close to Subaru’s.
“It’s been hard for you, hasn’t it?”
“—!”
She sounded like she pitied him. She sounded like she sympathized with him. She sounded like she cared for him.
That was all it took for Subaru’s walls to collapse.
They crumbled, fell apart, and came crashing down all at once.
All the powerful emotions he’d tried to keep bottled up hadn’t gone away in the slightest and came rushing out.
“It was…hard. It was really, rough. I was really, scared. I was really sad, enough that I thought I was gonna die. It hurt so much…!”
“Yeah.”
“I—I tried. I really tried. I did everything I could. I desperately tried to do everything right…! I did! Really, really. I’ve never tried to do anything that hard before!”
“Yeah, I know.”
“It’s because I like it here… This place, it’s precious to me…! That’s why I was dying to have it back. I was afraid. I was so afraid to see that day again…and I hated it. I hated myself for that!”
He couldn’t control his emotions.
The initial explosion had blown the dam wide open, a deluge of tears marring the smiling mask over his cowardly face.
The tears wouldn’t stop. His nose was runny. His mouth was awash in some sort of weird liquid as Subaru’s sobbing became harder to listen to with each passing moment.
It was a sorry sight: a grown man with his head on a girl’s lap, bawling his eyes out. It was pathetic enough that he could die, but the warmth filling him might just kill him, too.
Emilia made gentle sounds of understanding as she listened to Subaru weep.
There was no way she actually understood what Subaru was saying. And yet, the kindness of her voice brought relief to Subaru’s heart.
He didn’t understand why. Maybe he just wanted it to be so.
But it was true nonetheless that Subaru felt saved by her warmth.
And so, a flood of tears flowed from Subaru as he continued to cry on Emilia’s lap.
He cried, he cried, he wailed, and at some point, the sobs faded into the distance.
—The only noise that filled the guest room after that was the sound of quiet sleep.
8
As Subaru sank into slumber, he felt the presence of heat deep inside his chest.
Subaru knew now what that emotion was.
The throbbing in Subaru’s chest had grown stronger each time he looked at Emilia, spoke with her, felt the touch of her fingertips—but he hadn’t had a name for it before.
When he thought of her, his body was afflicted by the hot pangs of that troublesome illness known as love.
Once a person became aware of it, he lost all will to fight against the disease.
Subaru was no exception. After all—
No matter how much he got hurt, no matter what pain he endured, no matter how often he tasted despair, it was all to save Emilia.
Everything was so he could spend his days walking by Emilia’s side.
—Even if Subaru Natsuki died again and again, that love would live on.
9
Emilia was gently stroking Subaru’s hair as he slept when Rem arrived at the guest room.
Opening the door without a sound, Rem saw Emilia inside and opened her mouth, but she closed it when Emilia put a finger to her own lips.
“Shh.”
Rem narrowed her eyes a bit, walking over as she looked at the two of them nestled close together on the floor.
“Subaru is merely asleep?”
“Yes. Hee-hee, he’s like a little boy. He looks so peaceful when I stroke his head like this.”
Emilia seemed to enjoy petting Subaru, as she prodded Rem for agreement. Rem replied with a quiet shake of her head.
“It seems Subaru will not be able to work any further today.”
“Yeah, he gets the rest of today off. He’s a very naughty boy for taking time off on his second day. When he’s all better, make sure to punish him, okay?”
Emilia made a small smile and returned to toying with Subaru’s head.
She appeared to have no intention of moving the sleeping Subaru to free up her legs. Rem, reading Emilia’s intent, quietly looked down at Subaru, who seemed to be deeply asleep.
He looked so innocent. There was not even the slightest trace of tension on his childlike face.
It was completely different from his strained attempt at lightheartedness when last they had spoken during work. It was enough to make her earlier suspicion seem incredibly stupid.
“It is hard to think of that when you see him sleeping like this, though.”
Rem seemed to be murmuring that more to herself than to Emilia as she gave Subaru’s hair a light caress with her fingers.
His ignorance of the world, like an innocent babe, made Rem’s lips slacken just a little.
“I will inform Sister that Subaru is of no use for today. We must reallot today’s chores.”
Rem left things at that, bowing politely as she turned to leave.
She started to go find her sister. Around this time, she would still be cleaning up the dining hall. There, they would rearrange their schedule for the day.
“Rem…”
Abruptly called, Rem stopped and gently turned her whole body around.
Emilia was sitting below her on the floor. In spite of that, Rem mysteriously felt a powerful pressure coming from Emilia’s gaze, like Rem was the one who stood lower.
Emilia, not noticing Rem’s small measure of surprise, spoke in a quiet voice.
“Subaru is a good boy.”
“—”
Rem responded with a single, solemn bow.
Then, without another word, she headed to the door and left Subaru and Emilia behind in the guest room.
She mulled over Emilia’s statement as she walked down the hallway.
Even Rem did not notice the slight tremble on the side of her neutral visage.
—But the faintest trace of a vile odor remained lodged in a corner of Rem’s mind.
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