CHAPTER 4
ON THE PERIPHERY OF MADNESS
1
—When the darkness split apart and he awoke, it began with the pain of sunlight burning his eyes.
“—id?”
Warm blood flowed through his limbs. His shattered lower body was firmly standing upon the ground.
Right after the first blink, all his lost mental functions seemed to return at once. His brain instantly restarted and then short-circuited from information overload, making his eyes literally spin.
Where the ringing in his ears had dominated his world, the sounds of thronging humans going about their lives came rushing in. Various people mingled along the dusty road, burying his field of vision in the living souls he had so craved.
Subaru stood rooted in place as the human wave parted around him. The beating of his cracked heart grew fiercer.
“Hey! Hey there! You listening?!”
Along with a click of the tongue, the rough voice reached him from right beside him. Subaru slowly shifted his gaze toward it and saw a stern, scowling face with a vertical scar on it.
The man rubbed the white streak with a finger.
“Gimme a break, kid. Don’t just stare into space like that.”
“Eh, ah?”
The very faint reply drew a sigh out of the man.
“What’s with that weak reply? Well, whatever. More importantly, something happen to you?”
The speaker held out his hand with a nice, shiny red fruit sitting on top of it. Subaru came to the conclusion that the man’s appearance was a truly terrible match for the person inside. It seemed surreal.
Subaru remained silent as he gazed absentmindedly at the fruit. His situational awareness was badly lacking.
However, the man didn’t suspect that something was wrong with Subaru, instead leaning forward as he said, “Hey, enough fooling around here. I asked, how many abbles? Don’t make me say it over and over.”
The man reached over the counter and grabbed hold of Subaru’s shoulder. He roughly pulled him closer, and Subaru’s defenseless body pitched forward and crashed against the shelf. The man let go with a surprised look on his face.
“Wh-what are you doing?! Stand up properly. Your legs are all wobbly, damn it…”
“L-l-legs?”
The man pointed to Subaru’s lower body with an exasperated look on his face.
“You’ve got two good ones attached to your hips. What, daydreamed you’d lost them or something?”
When Subaru looked down, he did have legs, trembling and shaking though they were. Since they were unreliable and unable to support his body, he was leaning on the shelves at the moment.
With an annoyed voice, the man said, “I’m begging you, quit the bad jokes. This ain’t normal conversation, and it’s messin’ with me.”
But Subaru’s body did not respond.
Reality didn’t register as real. He felt detached somehow, like some sort of discord had developed in the connection between his body and his soul.
What was he doing there?
What had happened to him?
He felt like something had happened to him, but what?
—What am I doing here? What, what, what…?
Suddenly, a girl’s voice sounded in his ears.
“—Subaru?”
“—”
Unable to speak a word, Subaru felt his eyes go wide as he lifted up his face.
Behind the counter, there was a tiny silhouette standing near the stern, tall man, cleaning things up. She wore an apron dress that was mostly black, with a white apron and white headdress. She stood straight with a small stature and an elegant body. With the counter between them, she turned her lovely face toward Subaru. Her shoulder-length blue hair fluttered in the wind, drawing attention to her refreshing, gentle image.
Tears formed in his eyes.
“Ahh?”
“Subaru?”
Sobs poured out of him as his field of vision blurred. He earnestly rubbed both eyes, fearful that the clear, distinct image of the girl would fade.
And yet, she grew more and more distant as the murmurs loudened.
Before he realized it, he’d lost the support of the counter and fallen onto the street. Unable to send strength and will to his feet, he lay there amid the pedestrians coming and going, tears flowing as he gasped with disjointed breaths.
No, it was not breathing…
“Hu-hee… Hi-hi, ha-ha… He-hi, hi-ha-ha-ha…!”
—It was laughter.
The murmurs broadened. He could tell that more and more people were shifting their gazes to him.
Someone was watching him. Someone saw him. He wasn’t by himself. He wasn’t isolated. From this alone, he knew he was accepted, even lying there in the street like a marionette with cut strings.
Rather than run around the counter, the girl leaped right over it to move to his side.
“Subaru, what’s wrong?! Are you all right? Get a grip on…”
The girl wrapped her arms around the fallen Subaru to sit him up. As she did…
“Eh?”
She felt so defenseless, and he hugged her back with all his strength.
The girl accepted the embrace with astonishment. Her breath was so close, and her warmth was so comforting as he buried his nose into her shoulder and hugged her tight.
Perplexed, she tried to say something.
“Er… Um, Subaru? Umm…”
Each word, each syllable, each character, each breath, was a hymn to Subaru.
He embraced her firmly, his arms refusing to let go. Nor did the girl stir even an inch, quietly accepting the embrace, making no move to brush him off.
The warmth of her body, the heartbeats of life, made him feel that others were alive like nothing else could.
“Hi-ha… Uhi-ha, hi-hi-hi-hi.”
—The madman named Subaru Natsuki continued to simply laugh.
2
Ferris, sitting in a leather-covered chair, put a finger to his cheek and solemnly declared, “To be frank, Ferri can only say that it is all over now, meow …”
His ears twitched, and he swept back his flaxen hair as he shifted his gaze away from Subaru, sleeping in a feminine-looking bed. He looked instead to Rem with a pitying look in his eyes. He continued, “Ferri can only do something about physical wounds, you see. Issues with the body are workable, whether within or without…but there is nothing Ferri can do for the mind, meow .”
After Ferris’s apology for his powerlessness, Rem bowed in a show of respect.
“…No, thank you very much for exhausting all your efforts.”
But somehow, her flat voice sounded devoid of emotion. This was not like her normal suppression of her opinions. Rem’s inner turmoil was simply too great and had turned into profound sadness.
Ferris closed one eye in a pained look. Rem did not notice his reaction and gently leaned her head forward, shifting her attention to Subaru where he lay on the bed.
They had Subaru in bed to tend to him, but that didn’t mean he was asleep. Both his eyes were wide open as he stared straight at the ceiling. From time to time, he’d make a fragmented laugh, like he’d just remembered something, and when that passed, he would suddenly break into tears.
In his unstable state, Subaru’s torment continued apace.
—Truly, the change in the boy had been a sudden one.
Until that morning—no, the entire time he’d been walking with Rem through the royal capital that morning—he had been his normal self. Certainly the incident the day before weighed on him, and his behavior showed some signs that he was stressed, but Subaru was striving as he normally did. Rem deeply respected his wishes and sought to be close to him without changing his behavior.
She didn’t think anything had happened that could trigger this.
Rem painfully regretted that the instant Subaru had abruptly changed was when she’d taken her eyes off him. Even so, she was right there at the shop, listening to the shopkeeper converse with him.
Thanks to Rem’s tireless efforts, the store had sold its merchandise nicely, and the shopkeeper, in quite high spirits, seemed inclined to give them a souvenir. He was asking how many abbles Subaru wanted to take with him, and she remembered him answering, “How ’bout all of ’em?”
The very next moment, his demeanor abruptly changed, and he fell limply onto the street. When Rem sat him up, he seemed so overcome by sadness and tears of joy that he kept laughing.
Deeming he wasn’t well, Rem carried Subaru back to the Crusch villa, accepting all the trouble it might cause. Suspecting it was some kind of magical interference, she politely insisted that Ferris examine Subaru.
However, it had all come to naught. Even Ferris, the most accomplished healer in all of the royal capital, could not identify the cause of his sudden change. If Ferris could do nothing, it might well mean that gathering all the great magic users in the entire royal capital would still not be enough to heal him.
Subaru’s present condition was unrelated to magic. But his mind had suddenly become unbalanced.
Ferris asked, “Ferri doesn’t really want to ask, meow , but what will you do?”
“Without understanding the cause, dealing with it is difficult… I am sorry to have troubled you, Master Felix.”
“Mmm, don’t worry ameowt it. As a matter of fact, it’s better for Ferri’s treatment now that he’s not making a weird fuss, in a meownner of speaking.”
Subaru hated Ferris’s treatment and often voiced his complaints. On that level, Rem could understand how he was easier to deal with lying down and listless. The words were still highly insensitive.
Ferris continued, “But…but is it really good to continue treatment meow?”
Rem, who was watching Subaru, lifted up her head and shifted her gaze toward Ferris.
“…What do you mean?”
“Don’t be upset by my asking, meow , but the treatment for Subaru’s gate is to make life easier for him, yes?”
“Yes.”
“If he can no longer live a normal life, treating him is meaningless, isn’t it?”
“—Subaru is…!”
The even more insensitive remark drove Rem to forget Ferris’s status as she yelled. But even faced with the maid’s emotions, Ferris’s look of doubt did not falter.
“Are you saying don’t stop now, meow ? Seeing him like this? Are you serious? It’s true some things happened to him, but if that’s enough to break him, he’s not likely to ever recover!”
Ferris looked down at Subaru with undiluted scorn. To Rem, who knew that this was the man to whom Lugunica had granted the title of “Blue,” the archetype for all water magic users, his behavior was all too callous.
If someone couldn’t be healed, throw the person away. That was the judgment of the kingdom’s foremost healer? What did he understand about the individual named Subaru to judge that he had no prospects for healing?
“Oh my, what a stare mew have… Subawu’s a lucky man. Not that he ever realized it.”
“Subaru’s current situation is unrelated to the royal selection. He is not a person who would lose his mind over minor failures.”
“Believe that all you want. As far as Ferri is concerned, keeping his sanity after everything that’s happened presents problems of its own, meow . And besiiides…”
Ferris set aside his flippant tone as he looked frostily at Rem.
“Don’t misunderstand. Ferri doesn’t hate Subawu, so this isn’t meowt of some kind of special grudge against him.”
“…”
“This isn’t particular to Subawu as a person. Ferri just hates people who lose their will to live, pure and simple.”
Ferris pointed at Subaru, and then he touched his finger to his own chin. “Even for someone with my meowgic specialty, there’s no way to use that power besides healing. Ferri helps all kinds of people day after day to be of service to Lady Crusch. Meow , everyone struggles hard to live, so thanks doesn’t matter, but Ferri hates wasting this power on anyone.”
“I think that is admirable.”
“Thank you— But it’s not right to save people who don’t want to live. Even if you heal the body, isn’t it just saving an unused life? If that’s the case, end it before it causes other people trouble. Well, in this case it already has, meow .”
Ferris delivered his blunt assessment with a stern face.
Behind that hard demeanor, Rem keenly felt Ferris’s sincerity concerning the many lives he had no doubt saved. His way of saying it was dismissive, but it was what Ferris had learned from watching life and death in all that time. That had informed his views on life itself.
“Even so, Subaru is…”
Rem, battered by Ferris’s words, looked at the boy with pure regret. Subaru was unaware that he was the subject of the conversation as he made faint, intermittent, warped giggles, as if hearing these things had stirred the wounds remaining in his mind.
Deep inside, Rem wanted nothing more than to lose her grip on herself, cling to Subaru, and cry aloud. But that would bring dishonor to him and tarnish the good name of Roswaal, her benefactor. More than anything else, it would be a betrayal of the feelings she herself had carried while watching over him all this time.
A clear voice flowed into the room, abruptly breaking the awkward silence within.
“—Ferris, I believe your view is just a little too strict.”
Rem reflexively raised her head at the voice. When Ferris noticed the visitor, his expression brightened. After all, his eyes were always full of zealous devotion when they gazed upon her.
“Lady Crusch,” said Rem.
“I do not go as far as to say weakness is a crime. I do believe, however, that condoning that weakness and wallowing in it while leaving the situation uncorrected is very much a vice.”
When Rem hastily lowered her head at Crusch’s arrival, the duchess checked her with a hand.
With a shake of her long green hair, she moved to the edge of the bed. Her eyes narrowed as she looked down at Subaru, who had a wicked smile on his face even then.
“I see. This certainly is an alarming state. Do you know the cause?”
Hearing Crusch’s question, Ferris raised both his hands up as he replied, “No. According to Rem, he suddenly fell over, so Ferri examined him from head to toe. But there’s no sign of any interference with his mana, meow .”
“Is it possible this is some kind of curse? It is difficult to imagine, but I can think of someone taking measures against those with knowledge of the royal candidates. Or one could suspect that this is a show of force by another camp. However…”
“Neither is very likely, is it, meow ? There’s not much time to set something up, and who’d go after Subawu in the first place? Anyone involved would know he’s powerless, and there is no meowgical interference anyway, curses included. Ferri’s positive. And besides…”
As Ferris’s words trailed off, he tilted his head and gently leaned into Crusch, who stood there with her arms folded.
“Lady Crusch, do you doubt Ferri’s abilities?”
“Of course not. I could never question your ability, personality, or loyalty. Even if you were to hold a dagger in front of me, ready to run me through, that thought is set in stone.”
“Oh my, Lady Crusch, what a meowgnificent line… Ahh, Ferri’s falling to pieces.”
Crusch left Ferris to squirm and wallow as she shifted her penetrating gaze toward Rem.
“Ferris has spoken. And if Ferris’s power will not suffice, none in my house is capable of treating Subaru Natsuki. I’m sorry we can be of no assistance.”
Crusch’s apology, despite doing nothing wrong herself, sent Rem into another low bow.
“—Not at all. Your deep consideration leaves me speechless.”
In truth, beyond the reach of words and pleasantries, Crusch had conveyed warmth to her that she could never return. The finest healer in all the kingdom had rendered his diagnosis, and the head of a rival political camp had conveyed sympathy nonetheless. What more could Rem hope for from them?
Crusch and Ferris had done nothing wrong. Rem knew that.
—After all, she had her own suspicions about how Subaru had ended up in that state.
“—The Witch.”
The presence, the “miasma” of the Witch enveloping Subaru’s entire body had become denser still. What linked that miasma to Subaru’s abnormal state was unclear, but it was a fact that she’d sensed an outpouring of it just before he had collapsed.
If the cause was the Witch’s poison, she could not criticize Ferris’s judgment that there was nothing he could do. Very few beings were able to sense the presence of that substance in the first place. Not even Ram could catch the scent the way Rem could.
Nothing good came with such pall. Those who planned wicked things were rich with it. Her physiological distaste for it, and the hateful memories that accompanied it, made her deeply prejudiced against those who bore it.
Although the actions of the boy with the strongest Witch smell she’d ever met had melted her hard heart and swept those prejudices aside…
Even so. Yes, even so.
Rem knew that nothing good came from that miasma.
—The demon in her knew this.
3
Rem bowed and conveyed her deepest gratitude.
“—You have gone through great trouble for us. On behalf of my master, I thank you for your benevolence until this day.”
Crusch and Ferris stood before her. Rem and the others were meeting in the Crusch villa’s reception hall—in other words, Rem was bidding them farewell.
“I am sorry we could be of no help. By rights, it is presumptuous to receive compensation for such a thing…”
Seeing Crusch’s eyes fall slightly, Rem lifted her face and firmly replied, “Not at all. Ending our request before it was finished is due to our own circumstances. You have given us your utmost consideration until now, Lady Crusch. It is only right that we pay compensation as promised.”
Receiving her reply, Crusch made one final apology: “I am sorry.” She would say nothing more.
With his master’s lips closed, Ferris followed up.
“To be honest, it does leave things half-done, but it can’t be helped, meow ? Rem, be in good health. As for Subawu…get well soon, is what Ferri should probably say?”
With one eye closed and one finger raised, Ferris indicated Subaru, standing behind Rem, leaning against the door in a slovenly state.
His condition had not improved. His reactions were as dull as before, with his consciousness stranded somewhere between dream and reality. In spite of that, he followed like a child when they led him around by the hand, and he could at least manage not to fall over. Though he still suddenly broke into little fits of laughter and tears from time to time.
Rem replied, “My words are insufficient to apologize for the rudeness caused by a member of our house. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for treating him with benevolence.”
Crusch replied, “We had a contract, and at the very least, I have exchanged words with him. I could never treat him in an uncouth manner. I believe things will be difficult from here, however…”
Rem glanced at the faintly smiling Subaru, grasping the hem of her apron in a display of resolve.
“I am…prepared for that.”
Just as Crusch had gloomily pointed out, she knew there were many hardships to come. Even so, Rem had appointed herself to be the one who would walk with Subaru through thick and thin.
After all, she’d never forgotten what he had said to her long ago.
Let’s laugh, hug each other, and talk about tomorrow. I’ve always dreamed of laughing with a demon and talking about the future.
She’d remembered that scene in her head many times, tens of times, hundreds of times over.
That was why she could give Subaru no less than what he had given to her. For what she had received was too precious for any sum of money to ever repay.
Crusch lowered her eyes and shook her head.
“I regret that I was unable to fulfill your request.”
Rem smiled a little. She was grateful for Crusch’s considerate words, especially then, when she felt ready to crumble.
“It is all because of our shortcomings— Though this chapter has reached an unfortunate result, I pray that you will do many great things, now and in the future, Lady Crusch.”
“And you as well. Tell Emilia, ‘Let us both fight to bring no disgrace to our souls.’”
With that exchange, Rem keenly felt that her duty in that place had come to an end. Subaru’s treatment had been abandoned before it was over, and she wasn’t able to fulfill Roswaal’s secret command.
She would no doubt be sternly scolded for scurrying back. Even so, she had to return to the mansion…for Subaru’s sake.
“Ferri understands you’re returning to the mansion, but do mew have any leads for treatment?”
Rem held back the regret in her voice and replied to Ferris’s question with her single ray of hope.
“At the very least, if he can meet Lady Emilia…”
No matter how much she spoke to him, how much she touched him, how much she continued in vain, the boy never responded to Rem with his usual Subaru-like reactions. But even in this state, sometimes words rich with meaning would tumble out of Subaru’s mouth.
“Names…”
“Mmm?”
“From time to time, he says names. My name, Sister’s. And…”
She was happy that her own name was among those he whispered. On the other hand, the fact that he didn’t respond when she called his made her sad.
Though much of his behavior was meaningless, the name he murmured with the most frequency was…
“—Lady Emilia’s. If he is able to meet her, perhaps it will change him somehow.”
“But Ferri heard they parted on really bad terms. It hasn’t even been four days since then; is that enough time for her to calm down, meow ? If you could wait a little longer… Ah, you really can’t, huh?”
“I am well aware that Lady Emilia has a poor understanding of her own heart. However, this is no longer something I can decide on my own. I must return and receive instructions…”
Rem’s words, full of concern for her lord and master, were for the purpose of deceiving her own heart. She was hiding what she truly desired, burying it under her duties as a servant. After all, it pained her to the point of tears that she was not enough to save his heart and mind.
Abruptly, Crusch lifted her face and narrowed her eyes.
“—Wilhelm has arrived.”
Following Crusch’s gaze, Rem saw that a dragon carriage was entering the courtyard of the villa from the iron gates. A familiar aged gentleman was sitting in the driver’s seat.
Crusch continued, “At the moment, this is the only long-distance dragon carriage that my house is able to lend. I cannot reveal the details, but a large number of these vehicles have been required for another matter of late.”
Ferris followed up, “You’re in luck, meow . If you head along the Liphas Highway, you should get back to the mansion before tomeowrrow. It might take you half a day’s travel, give or take.”
Rem, watching the dragon carriage’s arrival, thought that the rays of the sun high above were dazzling indeed.
Since it was around noon now, an all-out carriage ride would mean arriving back at the mansion around midnight. If they were close to the manor, her shared consciousness with Ram would no doubt inform her sister of their return.
“Thank you very much for your kindheartedness.”
Crusch replied, without a single hint of false pleasantries, “I do not mind. It is still a far cry from what I would normally be able to provide, so I can only hope that this modest offering nonetheless accommodates your needs.”
Rem thought that getting to know Crusch as a person might have been one of the few happy things she’d gained from the time she had spent there.
“Then this time I must excuse mys—”
As Rem was stating her final farewell, Crusch interrupted her.
“Rem.”
When Rem stopped, she saw indecision in Crusch’s eyes for the very first time. The duchess continued, “This is extremely inelegant of me…but there is something I wish to ask.”
“Yes, what is it?”
“Why do you strive for Subaru Natsuki so?”
Watching Rem and the boy leaning against her, emotion vanished from Crusch’s amber eyes. She continued, “The relationship between you and Subaru Natsuki is not the master-retainer relationship Ferris and I share. I simply find it distasteful to judge men and women by appearances alone.”
“—”
With Rem falling into silence, the tone of Crusch’s voice dropped, as if she was apologizing for her own lack of clarity.
“I do not mind if you do not wish to answer. I am embarrassed to even ask.”
Ferris silently watched his master as Rem shook her head at both of them.
“No, I am not hesitating to answer. I am simply unsure about what words I should use— It is a difficult thing to explain.”
When she was on the verge of putting it into words, she felt it change into something else entirely.
It was natural for Crusch to have doubts. What existed inside Rem didn’t stay the same for even a second. Its size, strength, and heat shifted from moment to moment, putting down its roots inside Rem.
She didn’t want to come out and say it. She couldn’t come out and say it. How, then, to describe something formless inside Rem to another person?
“I suppose it is because…Subaru is special?”
“—”
Rem didn’t really understand if that qualified as an answer or not. However, she felt like that response best exemplified what was at the bottom of her own heart.
“Did something…happen to both of you?”
As she supported Subaru, putting a hand to her chest, she inclined her head at the lack of a reaction.
When she looked, both Crusch and Ferris were standing there, gaping with somewhat surprised expressions. Rem had a gnawing feeling that their reactions might indicate she’d said something rude.
Master and servant traded gazes, nodding to each other.
“I am sorry. I am somewhat astounded at what I was doing.”
“No, nooo, it was unavoidable. Ferri was surprised, too. Like…Rem, you weren’t even there for the talks at the royal palace…”
Rem didn’t really understand what they were saying. However, Crusch seemed satisfied with her reply as she stated, “I apologize for my impolite and unrefined question. I’m very sorry—Subaru Natsuki is a lucky man.”
Crusch was smiling a little. Ferris followed up teasingly, “He really is. If he ever gets his senses back, Ferri has to tease him about it, meow .”
They had conveyed, by fairly undiplomatic means, that they wished for Subaru’s recovery, so Rem gave them a small smile rich in gratitude.
The two sent her off.
“Be in good health.”
“Good luck, meow !”
Rem gave them both one deep, final bow before leading Subaru by the hand out of the Crusch villa. Wilhelm, waiting at the gates, greeted her with a nod as he offered her the reins. She accepted them, bowing to the aged gentleman in return.
“You have also been exceptionally benevolent to us, Master Wilhelm.”
“Not at all. Words wasted on these old bones. Besides, I feel as powerless as my master. It never occurred to me to do something before this happened.”
Wilhelm narrowed his eyes as he watched Subaru, his pupils filled with complex emotions.
Now that Rem thought about it, the old man was probably the person at the Crusch villa who’d had the most contact with Subaru. Though it had been for a mere four days, one might say that the sword training had given the two a relationship as master and pupil. Perhaps Wilhelm felt regret that he could not save Subaru, either.
He commented, “It would seem I have indeed not advanced a single step since that time…”
Wilhelm murmured to himself, apparently gazing through Subaru at something off in the distance.
“Master Wilhelm?”
When Rem called out to the older man, he blinked and shook his head.
“Pardon me. There is nothing I can do, but I shall at least pray for Sir Subaru’s convalescence. Miss Rem, take due care while traveling that path.”
Rem did her best to ignore the faint, fleeting anxiety in the aged gentleman’s eyes at the end.
“Thank you very much. Be in good health, Master Wilhelm.”
Even at the best of times, Rem was more awkward than other people. She could only reach out with both hands and do one thing at a time. And now, she’d decided just what her hands would support.
“Subaru, this way.”
“…U, aa?”
Supporting his wobbly body, she hoisted Subaru up from behind and sat him in the driver’s seat. Rem took her place beside him, accepting Subaru’s presence atop the cramped-feeling seat. She sat right up against him, wrapping her left arm around his hip and firmly grasping the reins with her right hand.
“It might be a little cramped, but please bear with it.”
They would have to race in this posture for a long, long time. Rem was worried about the strain on Subaru, but she would also need to protect him after they arrived back at the mansion. Roswaal and the others were unlikely to give him a warm welcome.
If Subaru would be without other allies, Rem had to be the one he could count on.
“Because…I will always be by your side, Subaru. Always.”
Rem, deeply hardening her resolve, snapped the reins, and the land dragon began to race along the ground. As the mansion receded behind them, the elderly gentleman watched them go.
Slowly, the carriage’s wheels gradually turned faster and faster. Rem felt the sensation through the reins, as if the wheels themselves were expressing the state of her heart.
4
—Setting out from the royal capital, the journey to the Mathers dominion was a comparatively quiet one.
Rem had been concerned about Subaru acting up, but fortunately there was nearly no sign of that while atop the dragon carriage. Yes, Rem was right at his side, limiting his movements, but he spent the majority of the time quietly in his seat, gazing absentmindedly at the scrolling landscape.
So far as she could tell, the mental issues that caused his laughter and tears had also lessened. Perhaps the change in scenery had produced some small change in Subaru’s heart as well. Hope sprouted in Rem’s chest that Subaru really might be able to recover. However, the scent of the miasma tickling her nose dashed cold water on her heart’s expectations.
“—”
Gradually, having Subaru’s head resting on her own shoulder brought a faint smile to Rem’s lips. In truth, she was happy that he was defenseless, guileless, completely entrusting his whole body to her.
Rem knew that this Subaru was not his normal self and that what he was doing was not of his actual will. Even so, having him rely on her like that was the pinnacle of joy.
“Subaru, this way, a little farther.”
“…Mm, u.”
Close enough feel his breath, Rem pulled Subaru’s body even deeper into her own. Atop the narrow driver’s seat, they had half-melted into each other already, but Rem instead rested Subaru upon her own left knee. Her right hand firmly re-gripped the reins as she secured his body in place.
Rem was thoughtfully doing as much as she could to prevent Subaru from pushing himself during the drive. She let him occupy most of the cramped driver’s seat; when Subaru’s snoring seemed troubled, she lent him a reassuring hand; sometimes she would stop the dragon carriage to get Subaru to drink some water and assist him with physical necessities.
Moving by dragon carriage put a not-insignificant burden upon the driver. Paying close attention for over half a day at a time, a normal person would collapse from exhaustion before the journey was over as often as not. However, Rem’s physical body was made of sterner stuff than a normal person’s. Her mental endurance was also strong, and more than that, the fact that her labors were for Subaru’s sake was the best match to light a fire under her.
“By rights, I really shouldn’t put my personal feelings into it, though…”
Subaru, embracing her, made no reply. From the look of his profile, he was still hovering between dream and reality. Rem’s murmur was more for her own benefit than his.
“Perhaps remaining in the royal capital was not what you really wanted, but…in truth, I was just a little happy. I cannot have you to myself at the mansion, after all.”
At Roswaal Manor, the time that Rem could spend together with Subaru every day was fairly limited. After all, she had her hands full with work at the mansion while he was always off with someone or other.
“During work hours it is with Sister, in your free time, with Lady Emilia…and you even spend some of your limited time teasing Miss Beatrice… I had to put up with all that.”
“…Nn, hu.”
“You were always so busy; you never had time to stand still… At the mansion, you worked for the villagers and for me… In the royal capital, for Lady Emilia… Always, always so busy.”
So far as Rem knew, Subaru was always running and running, never at a standstill. Perhaps it was for someone else, perhaps it was for himself; there was no single reason. But seeing Subaru run to and fro like that put a single emotion into Rem’s heart.
“That’s why I was…just a tiny bit happy that I was able to have you all to myself at Lady Crusch’s mansion, even though I knew you had many worries. I’m sorry, Subaru.”
Subaru snored on, grimacing as Rem apologized with a faint smile. She softly caressed the forehead under his bangs, barely a tickle, and sighed slightly.
“Even though I heard that you had an argument with Lady Emilia. I’m sorry, Subaru.”
She apologized again. She was thinking back to the day of the royal selection assembly at the palace. Rem hadn’t actually been there, so she didn’t know exactly what Subaru and Emilia had said to each other when their relationship ruptured.
“After all, neither Lady Emilia nor Master Roswaal spoke to me in detail about it. The gist was, ‘Subaru is at the castle, go get him, he will be in the care of Lady Crusch…’ I was truly surprised when I met you at the castle after that, though.”
Nothing could make her forget the blow to her chest when she found Subaru’s haggard state in the waiting room at the castle. She was both concerned at his condition and convinced that he must not be left alone.
“That is why I am at your side as much as I can, Subaru. But half of it is out of worry, and the other half is for my own sake… Being around you has made me into a naughty girl, Subaru.”
Even though she ought to be thinking of him, it was there that she discovered her own joy.
It was always like that when she was with Subaru. She always discovered parts of herself that she didn’t know existed. Rem counted off on her fingers things that she had come to realize about her old self.
“I have discovered many unpleasant things about myself. I discovered that I am lonely when you are getting along well with Sister, I am annoyed when you speak to Lady Emilia with your face all red, and I think it most unfair when I see you playing with Miss Beatrice.”
But her present self hadn’t discovered only bad things by any measure.
“I am happy when you are getting along well with Sister. I think it is adorable when you speak to Lady Emilia with your face all red. When I see you playing with Miss Beatrice, I think, He’s so gentle … I have those kinds of warm feelings in me as well.”
She continued whimsically confessing things to herself as if the lack of a reply was a good thing. Rem’s words wouldn’t stop, with feelings flowing out of her that she could never have said to his face. That moment, the things normally trapped in her heart were pouring out all at once.
“I would never have discovered these feelings, both good and bad, if I were not with you, Subaru. That is why I have thought of my time with you as happy… That makes it difficult right now.”
Having expressed those warm thoughts, Rem bit her lip, lowering her head at her own meekness.
Even though such gloom had enveloped Subaru, Rem had been prepared for whenever he would spit it out. Had her passive stance not brought the current situation about? If they had grown so close, shouldn’t she have asked Subaru about his worries? And wasn’t her own weakness, her own desire to monopolize him, the reason why she had not done so?
As Rem brooded, Subaru turned in her arms, sleeping uneasily.
“Subaru, it is all right. Relax and go to sleep…”
Rem spoke in a gentle voice, breaking the train of thought that was devolving into self-hatred.
The forced march had indeed put quite a strain on his body. She’d meant to ride right through the night to reach the mansion, but it seemed better to camp somewhere for a short while. Since it would be midnight in another two to three hours, that pace would have them arriving at the mansion before the crack of dawn.
“In that case, it will be difficult to convey matters to Sister through our mental connection…”
It worked only for a given range, and only on the condition that both their minds were awake. The limitations of range and willpower were particularly strict when Rem was transmitting to Ram. It was not possible to link to Ram at the present range, and even if range were not an issue, it would soon be late at night.
“…Yes, we should camp.”
Having made that decision, Rem directed the land dragon to come to a stop through the reins. The creature gently halted, breathing through its nostrils as it looked up at Rem. She left Subaru in the driver’s seat, leaping down to the ground to confirm that the area was safe.
Night had already fallen over the Liphas Highway. For illumination, Rem had only the light of the moon and a lagmite crystal attached to the dragon carriage to rely on. Fortunately, there was little cloud cover that night, so the light of the moon was plenty to see by. There was probably little chance of being attacked by some kind of highwaymen.
“Pardon me, Subaru.”
Rem picked up the boy sleeping on the driver’s seat bridal-style, resting him upon a blanket inside the carriage.
After watching Subaru’s relaxed breathing and his sleeping face, Rem exited the carriage and proceeded to stand watch over the campsite. She had little concern about bandits, but more than a few wild-dog and demon-beast packs were known to roam the highway at night. Rem knew that wild animals and demon beasts hungry for the taste of flesh and blood were far more dangerous than human beings.
“But you are here, too, tonight, so perhaps I have little need to worry about that.”
Rem reached out with her hand, stroking the head of the land dragon as it lowered the tip of its snout toward her.
This was the wise and prudent creature that had stuck with her throughout the reckless forced march. Though he and Rem were first-time acquaintances, he had shown no sign of rebelling against her commands. She imagined the duchess’s family ought to be praised for the scrupulous training of its beasts of burden.
It was not unrelated, however, to the fact the land dragon’s instincts told it that a demon occupied a higher place on the food chain.
Among the various species of dragons, land dragons were conspicuous for their friendly relations with the humanoid races. They often occupied crucial roles in the lives of mankind and were beloved for their gentle personalities.
Flying dragons and water dragons required special training, and many of them were ill-tempered. Thanks to that, they had relatively little place in the daily lives of humanoids.
At any rate, land dragons were well known among dragon-kind for their gentleness and intimacy with people, but as a species, they drew the line when it came to all other beasts.
There were virtually no wild animals so ignorant that they would willingly attack a land dragon. Plus, the land dragons themselves possessed an unusually keen nose for any kind of danger.
Nothing short of a sizable band of highwaymen or a particularly large pack of demon beasts would attack them, and land dragons could sniff out such a large gathering before it ever arrived. This was the greatest reason that they were prized treasures for merchants and other travelers.
Rem whispered toward the dragon carriage, “Rest well, Subaru.”
She continued to pet the nearby beast as she sat on the ground. As she did, she leaned against its tough hide, covered herself with a blanket, and she spread her attention to the surrounding area.
If they departed the next morning with the rising sun, they’d surely arrive back at the mansion before noon.
She would return without having fulfilled her objectives. She had to take her scolding without a single word of complaint. Even so, she at least had to work to keep Subaru from being hurt in the process.
“And to get him back to his old self…”
Surely only Emilia could do that. Rem could not help but be irritated by that.
In the first place, Emilia was a very difficult person for Rem to get close to.
Even Roswaal, who had welcomed her as a guest, treated her as a superior now that she was a royal selection candidate.
In fact, he had also ordered both Rem and Ram to get close to her.
Her master, Roswaal, treating Emilia more highly than himself did not particularly bother Rem. Ram seemed displeased with Roswaal’s adherence to hierarchy, but Rem’s regard for such things was not as strong as her older sister’s.
Of course, Ram was not such a fool as to openly air her opinion on the matter. Nonetheless, Rem frequently picked up hints of deep dissatisfaction over their telepathy, whereas normally she would sense very little.
The complicated feelings Rem felt toward Emilia had nothing to do with Roswaal. It was terribly vulgar, but Rem’s conflicted thoughts toward Emilia were the product of the circumstances of her birth—the fact that she was a half-elf. In other words, because she was a half-demon.
In her head, Rem understood that Emilia herself had done nothing wrong. However, the emotional part of herself just couldn’t accept it. Emilia was not in the wrong. However, half-demons had affected Rem’s life, their influence far too large to lightly dismiss.
She still remembered how the Witch Cult had laid waste to her birthplace. That fact pricked terribly at Rem’s heart.
As a result, she had firmly maintained her position of “guest and servant” where Emilia was concerned. Rem disregarded her emotions and responded to Emilia’s instructions like an automaton. If no special occasion demanded it, Rem avoided coming into contact with her so that she would not pick up on her demeanor. Their tacit relationship was to never encounter the other by choice, whether their intentions were fair or foul.
Time passed, and Rem had thought their weak relationship would continue unaffected by the royal selection. Based on her position, she thought it highly unlikely she would be involved with the matter at all. When thinking of her own role to play, she decided that going out of her way to support Emilia went beyond her duties.
—And yet, Rem’s feelings toward her had changed since back then.
She wondered if it was herself who had changed or Emilia? It was probably both, set in motion by a common cause—Subaru. Since the moment he wedged himself into her daily life, Rem’s world had undergone great changes. When how you feel about the world changes, everything looks different, like black and white bursting into vivid color.
Her work at the mansion felt more rewarding than before. No longer afraid of standing by her sister’s side, she gained the confidence to approach Roswaal and Beatrice more. In spite of her decision not to lend her support, she’d found herself exchanging words with Emilia more often. After all, she knew that they shared a common interest.
And though she held the boy in her own fleeting thoughts, she knew just who was the apple of his eye.
That was why Emilia remained a source of irritation for Rem.
“I cannot bring myself to love, or hate, Lady Emilia. I am indecisive, aren’t I…?”
It was a quiet night. The only things she heard were the faint sounds of insects and the breathing of the land dragon at her side. Relying only on the light of the moon, the boundary between dream and reality was indistinct. Her thoughts shifted from place to place of their own volition.
Time seemed to flow slowly. She felt like she’d looked up at the moon numerous times, only to find its position unchanged.
The night was long. That time alone was a deep, cold eternity.
Abruptly, Rem was seized by the urge to sneak back inside the carriage behind her, which she was protecting. There, Subaru was sleeping with a gentle expression, too deeply to be dreaming. How good would it feel to slide under the blankets at his side, to share that warmth between them?
“Even though I was touching him so closely until just earlier… It is a luxury I cannot afford.”
Rem rebuked herself for being affected by the urge, but her heart would not stop picturing the fantasy.
—A temptation arose, the temptation to throw anything and everything to the winds.
At this rate, harsh realities far removed from Subaru’s ideals awaited him upon his return to the mansion. She could still run off with the dragon carriage somewhere, with nothing but her own conscience to chide her. The funds Roswaal had granted her for traveling expenses were considerable. With that, she and Subaru could no doubt head somewhere and live in seclusion together.
With time and continued contact with people, Subaru could move past his present childlike state and regain himself. Even if it was differ ent from before, they might be able to share the same moments together.
Surrounded by people who had no idea that they had fled there, she and a recovered Subaru could begin brand-new lives together. It would be a quiet life with the one she cared about, with no one to get in her way—
“Tee-hee, now that’s a fantasy…”
Rem shook her head and, holding her knees, pressed her forehead against them, smiling weakly at her own imagination.
There was no way that she could choose to turn her back on everything. To even have the thought was a sin. She could never simply abandon Sister, abandon Ram, back at the mansion. Sister and Rem were two halves of a single whole. On top of that, she couldn’t even imagine what burdens Ram would have to carry in her absence.
She was a kind older sister who indulged Rem, so no doubt she would forgive even this. That was why she could never betray Sister.
Roswaal had entrusted Rem with such a fortune precisely because he had faith in her loyalty. Her diligent personality would not permit her to betray such trust, either.
“More than that… I cannot leave Subaru in this state after all.”
To begin with, Rem was well aware of her strong personal desire to have things to herself. If at all possible, she wanted everyone precious to her to be right at her fingertips. Doing her utmost for others helped her feel the worth of her existence deep down. It was no exaggeration to say that she was born predisposed to be a maid.
That was why the effort required to care for Subaru in this state was not really a hardship from her perspective. Indeed, she would feel fulfilled if Subaru was unable to live day to day without her.
But this wasn’t the real Subaru.
The words she had used to reply to Crusch when they parted ways came to mind.
I suppose it is…because Subaru is special?
Yes. That was everything.
She remembered his smile. She remembered his voice. She remembered his words. Rem remembered what he had said to her and the warmth of his hand reaching out to her back when everything in her life was stagnant, when she was drowning in resignation. It was Subaru who had rescued Rem from the mistaken path of despair that she walked. Rem had made an error in judgment and planned to abandon those children, and it was Subaru who had saved them.
Even though he was bathed in demon-beast curses, walking his own tightrope between life and death, Subaru had abandoned no one. Not Ram and not Rem.
It was enough. It was plenty. Nothing more was required.
What more did Rem need than to devote herself to Subaru Natsuki, body and soul?
What more was required than the feelings burning in her chest?
She would do whatever was necessary so that he could regain his true self, so that she might know his company once more.
And why? Because the person known as Subaru Natsuki—
“…Is a bedeviled, incredible person.”
5
Rem stroked her hair back, moist from the foggy morning air, and gently raised her head.
Perhaps it was accurate to call her half awake. Rem felt a little woozy, hovering somewhere between sleep and waking as her internal clock told her it was time to finally rise to her feet.
There had been no changes of note during the night. No demon beast or highwayman had appeared; she hadn’t even sensed any.
All that said, Rem seemed to have been fairly worn out as well. Certain of her comparative safety, her body had strived to recover while she was half-awake.
She rose to her feet, stretching up high as she felt the cool morning breeze.
It was a lazy, unladylike gesture. She would never do such a thing where others could see, but she had no concern about that at the moment. The only one around was Subaru, sleeping soundly beside h—
“S-Subaru?!”
Rem jumped in surprise when she noticed Subaru was right beside her, curled up under a blanket.
Since he’d been leaning on Rem for support, the young man gently flopped onto the grass, scowling as he turned his body a little.
“H-he came out of the carriage while I was sleeping and cuddled up next to me…?”
Rem hastily looked between the boy and the dragon carriage behind him. Even putting the truth into words sent her into quite a panic.
On the one hand, she was shocked that she hadn’t noticed him moving; on the other, she blushed hard as she realized just how tolerant her heart had become where Subaru was concerned.
In other words, even if Subaru had assaulted her in her sleep, she would never have resisted.
“…I have been too careless.”
Even as she made that maidenly lament, Rem thought deep down that Subaru’s action might be a good omen, the next step after he behaved himself so well during the dragon carriage ride.
Subaru made no response except laughing or crying. Yet even in that state, he had performed a voluntary action, getting out of the dragon carriage under his own power. Rem held onto the hope that his broken heart was beginning to mend and his personality beginning to reform.
“—All right. Let us go back, Subaru.”
If a change had been initiated, things would probably head in a good direction thereafter. Such optimistic thoughts were not like her, but this, too, was no doubt the influence of the young man before her eyes. And that internal shift was something Rem considered very dear to her.
She believed that the thoughts rising into her head the night before had been a bad dream caused by her timid mind and tired body. She’d completely forgotten it, a cheerful future having overwritten it as if it had never existed.
She lifted up the still sleeping Subaru, resting him upon the driver’s seat as she roused the land dragon. She brought water for the awakened beast to drink, rewarding him for his long hours standing watch, and prepared for their departure.
With one hand embracing Subaru over her knees and the other holding the reins, they departed once again. The carriage wheels turned, and the scenery moved.
They were about halfway there. It would probably take another seven to eight hours of travel.
Her mental and physical endurance was far stronger than on the day of their departure, with its tragic circumstances. Subaru was deeply asleep, and Rem gazed at the side of his face, conveying her impatient feelings through the reins so as to pick up the pace.
A faint vibration ran through the dragon carriage. Rem adjusted her embrace of the curled-up Subaru, intertwining her own fingers with his.
“It looks so slender…but this is indeed a boy’s hand.”
Resigning herself to her weakness in fleeing to that hand, she hoped her meek desire to touch him could be forgiven. It was a little ritual for forgetting about a bad dream.
“This warmth, having you so close… If I have that, it is enough.”
After all, hoping for more was simply her own selfishness.
Her feelings from sensing that warmth, and the fact he needed her, had been carved into Rem’s heart. She would give him her utmost efforts.
—She would give him everything she had.
6
—There was something amiss in the air.
As the dragon carriage raced onward, Subaru seemed to be sleeping poorly, so Rem had rested him atop her knees, using her supporting arm to stroke his black hair when she finally realized it.
Maybe it was the fact she’d had a lot of time to think things over the night before. Rem, having accepted to a certain extent the complicated feelings within her, was jubilant on the inside when she saw that Subaru had gotten out of the dragon carriage in the dead of night to snuggle up against her.
If that was the reason she had failed to notice the change sooner, she was a great fool indeed.
“It is…too quiet…”
In all that time on the Liphas Highway, Rem had not come across another land dragon even once. This was an offshoot from the main highway, but seeing none at all, even on the distant horizon, was clearly unnatural. Normally, traveling merchants en route to the royal capital and peasants returning with new farm implements were here and there all over the highway.
And yet, the road had been deserted since the day before.
She had not taken any special measures to avoid farms, but she hadn’t seen a single person, man or child. What was particularly wrong was that the cries of birds and insects had vanished from her ears a short while earlier.
A bad feeling rushed into the back of Rem’s mind.
Such silence meant that the creatures of the wild were in hiding. It was a sure omen of something beyond the ken of man. As they cut through the hills and entered the mountain road, drawing closer to the mansion, that malaise had only increased.
With unease, Rem snapped the reins to spur the land dragon, already running at a desperate speed, to hurry even faster. She knew she was pushing it too far, but she had no time to spare to locate the cause of that unease. She didn’t mind if it turned out to be a baseless fear. She would apologize to both Subaru and the land dragon for accompanying her on the reckless journey. She would face them just as she had faced her own anxieties the night before.
And just after she had that thought…
“—Sister?”
Suddenly, thoughts that were not her own threw her mind into chaos. Nearly unbearable levels of anxiety, anger, and fury flooded her, and then it all immediately vanished, leaving Rem on her own.
It had been Ram. Those feelings had flowed into her from her sister through their shared link.
Ram was always a model of self-control on the outside, but in truth, she was built of stern stuff on the inside, too. Normally, the only things that could shake her were related to Rem or their master.
And yet, Ram had been possessed by such fury that she’d communicated it to even Rem via their shared connection.
Furthermore, the fact it had cut out immediately meant that she was controlling herself so that Rem would not pick it up.
Rem guessed that her sister assumed she was in the royal capital, not able to make it in time as her older sister fell into peril. But Rem was close enough to do something, even if that was not Ram’s wish. That was why…
“I must hurry back—!”
With a concrete reason to make haste, she gripped the reins so hard that her hand went white. In an instant, Rem’s sense of urgency and impatience cast all her misgivings about her surroundings to the winds.
On the surface, Rem was normally emotionless, always striving to maintain her inner calm, but when lives were on the line, she lost sight of everything around her. It was Rem’s defining flaw, one that Ram had pointed out to her many times and one a former colleague had pointed out to her as well.
And now that flaw was rearing its ugly head once again.
—When the land dragon’s head sailed before her eyes, Rem saw it in slow motion.
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