Re:Zero Kara Hajimeru Isekai Seikatsu - Volume 4 - Chapter 110

CHAPTER 110: REASON TO BELIEVE 

Having found Emilia, curled up small and hugging her knees, Subaru feels an inopportune relief. 

Part of it came from the fact he found Emilia, and part of it came from the fact Emilia was here. He was convinced that this was the only place she could be, and was wishing that this was the place she would be. Both of these things proved legitimate, leading something leaden and heavy in the pit of his stomach to fall. 

Subaru: “So anyway, I was thinking, Emilia-tan.” 

Emilia: “...” 

Subaru: “In this spot, you definitely can hole up alone without anyone finding you. There's only so many people who can get in here, and all the people who can get in wouldn't want to anyway.” 

Aside from Emilia, only three other people could enter Echidna's tomb. One of them rejects the TRIAL and loathes the tomb, one of them had witnessed a past belonging to someone other than themselves and consequently entrusted SANCTUARY's future to another, and the final one had earned the witch's displeasure midway through the TRIALS and had their qualifications revoked. All other persons who possessed the qualifications adhered stringently to the rules imposed on them, and so would not enter. Indeed, this was a hiding spot that only Emilia could get to. 

Emilia gives no reply to Subaru's words of honest praise. She simply remains small, looking silently up at Subaru. 

Subaru: “—Mind if I sit beside you? Standing's, honestly pretty taxing.” 

Emilia: “...” 

Subaru: “Where I'm from, silence means yes. Alright, 'scuse me here.” 

Bathed in her focused stare, Subaru magnificently says his piece and seats himself beside Emilia. A range between them as big as two fists is the limit that Subaru's manly spirit and courage can muster. Getting any closer would have to come after their words and attitudes diminished the emotional distance between them. 

Since right now, the sentimental distance between the two was likely much bigger than a fist. 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “—” 

Seated next to each other, the two fall into silence. Subaru patiently waits for Emilia to speak. Emilia gazes at him as he does, her lips quivering multiple times, and with some hesitation, 

Emilia: “Subaru...” 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “How come... you're here?” 

Subaru: “Ask me how come, and well that's a tricky one. It's because I'm always thinking about you, Emilia-tan, and thus magnificently figured out where you were, I guess.” 

It's really something of an honour. Since it meant that he was the one who, at least in this SANCTUARY, thought about Emilia the most and most accurately supposed her feelings. Though if he were truly attuned to Emilia's feelings, he definitely wouldn't be speaking with her like this right now in the tomb. 

Emilia's eyes widen as she hears Subaru's response. And she shakes her head, as if that was not the reply she was looking for. 

Emilia: “No. No, that wasn't it, Subaru. I don't mean 'why did you come here'... I meant how. Only people with the qualifications are meant to be able to get here.” 

Subaru: “Sure you're not the one forgetting, Emilia-tan? On our first day here, I rushed into this place to bring you out after you dead collapsed inside. Apparently if you're like Roswaal and the witch super hates you, it feels like you'll pop just from going in, but it's not that bad for me. Feels floaty like I'm on an elevator that's perpetually a second before touchdown is all. It's nothing I can't handle.” 

Emilia: “...So that's it.” 

She speaks with chagrin that her estimates about this place being impenetrable were inaccurate. Her gaze as she glances at Subaru, beset by nausea, is worried. She must be frantically trying to organize a mess of her own mental stuff right now, but that she regardless winds up caring for others in this situation is lionhearted, pitiable and sweet. 

Emilia: “How come... you knew I was here?” 

Talking distracts him better than silence, and gives him some relief. Perhaps having noticed that while he was speaking, and now watching Subaru as he takes deep breath after deep breath, Emilia presents a new question. Her query comes laced with suspicion and resignation, mingled with other complex sentiments. The resignation was cavalier, and the suspicion needlessly paranoid. Both were incredibly rare to see from Emilia—this might even be Subaru's first time witnessing them. 

Emilia: “...Subaru?” 

Subaru: “Ah right, sorry sorry. Okay, asking how come I thought you were here, well it's probably that. That that where there's nothing about Emilia-tan that I don't know.” 

Emilia: “Liar.” 

It wasn't that he was trying to jest, but his frivolous statement nevertheless faces prompt rejection. 

With her chin set on her knees, Emilia tilts her head as she looks at Subaru. The emotions flickering through her amethyst eyes mark the pinnacle of chaotic turmoil, enough to nigh swallow him. 

Disliking how those emotions are being delved, Emilia averts her gaze, pouting so Subaru can't see it. 

Emilia: “That talk won't fool me. —I don't even know myself well. It's impossible that you would.” 

Subaru: “It's surprising how little it is you see of yourself. It does happen that people will be paying attention to you perfectly, all the way down to your weak points.” 

Personal experience—isn't what he'd call it, but things in that vein do occasionally happen to him. It often occurs that when he's fired up, he cannot reflect on how thoughtless, reckless, and senseless he is being. It has also occurred where others pointed it out for him, and only starting from there would he recognize it himself. Once, someone did point out that Subaru was like this, and starting from there— 

Subaru: “Emilia-tan, I figured you were here half off of trust, half off of hoping for it.” 

Emilia: “Half and half...” 

Subaru: “I ran around the village, but couldn't really find you. Instead of thinking about where you went, I put all my effort into thinking about why'd you gone. And when I did, I figured you'd probably be here. And when I found you was a crazy relief.” 

Emilia: “...Just, a relief?” 

Subaru: “Hm?” 

Subaru's mouth relaxes into a relieved smile, when Emilia asks her question. Her voice is quiet, liable to disappear. Subaru's brows shoot up in hearing it, only for Emilia to stare at him fixedly, peering into his eyes. 

Emilia: “You found me here, and all you were was relieved? ...You weren't mad?” 

Subaru: “Heck is that, Emilia-tan. No way, you were scared I'd be mad at you?” 

Her timid attitude leads Subaru to almost slip a breathy laugh. Running off without telling anyone where you're going, but then having your location found and being scared of reprimands, was exactly what a child would do. While he can somewhat agree with that idea now that he knows about her real age and real age mentally, the behaviour is incredibly unlike her. But Subaru purposefully pays the strangeness no heed, instead shaking his head. 

Subaru: “I'm not mad at all. I was feeling hurried, and honestly in a major mega panic, but not mad. And with the thing where I found you here counted in too, I'm glad.” 

Emilia: “...Are you.” 

The emotions Subaru felt for the missing Emilia were not anger. 

Supposing hypothetically that there was any anger, it would be for the fact that Emilia had done something unanticipated and he had missed the warning signs, his crossness aimed at himself. This hurried, panicky feeling of his, liable as it was to ruin all of the preparations he had made thus far, had also drowned beneath the flood of relief he felt from finding her. And so Emilia's worries are needless. That is what he is trying to tell her. 

Emilia: “You're not mad.” 

That is what he was trying to tell her, but the accompaniment to her mutter is not relief. 

Subaru: “—Emilia?” 

Emilia: “You are not mad at me. —You won't be mad for me.” 

Quiet, hoarse, and shaking. By the time Subaru's brows scrunch in puzzlement, it is already too late. Looking down, biting her lip, Emilia opens her eyes wide. 

As she endures the flood of tears in her eyes, trying to keep them from spilling. 

Emilia: “Why won't you be mad?” 

Subaru: “Emili—” 

Emilia: “I did something selfish, didn't I? I did something that distressed you, didn't I. I said nothing and went away, and I worried you, didn't I? I made you anxious, wondering if I'd run away... that's what I did, isn't it. And when someone does that to you, you get mad, don't you? Or aren't you like that, Subaru?” 

Cutting off Subaru, Emilia speedily speaks line upon line of her emotions. She emphasizes the selfishness of her own actions, closing in on Subaru in an attempt to make him condemn her. 

Overwhelmed by her uncanniness, Subaru finally realises that he made a decisive error when choosing his words. Emilia wasn't scared that Subaru would be mad at her. Emilia was scared that Subaru would not criticise her actions. And she was so because— 

Emilia: “Why won't you be mad? Are you not mad b-because, you weren't expecting anything from me? You saw how I failed, but you're still being kind to me... is it because you're not disappointed in me? Is it because you don't think it would've worked out?” 

Subaru: “—” 

These might be the anxieties that Emilia had been harbouring the whole time, but been unable to ever voice, the very darkness wallowing in the pit of her heart. 

Repeatedly she challenged the TRIAL, only for her heart to fold every time and for her to return. She thought herself weak for it, and while there were those who would show their dejection when  she failed, their number included people who would not fault her, like Subaru and Puck. 

While the presence of Subaru and Puck did relieve her, she also, always, had been fighting with this persistent anxiety. 

Disappointment occurred because expectations occurred. She thought herself weak because it sickened her that she couldn't put in a fight. But no matter how many times she repeatedly failed, should she regardless be kindly consoled, and while that worked as a temporary reprieve, it exacerbated a larger, greater sense of anxiety. 

Emilia had always feared Subaru and Puck being kind to her. 

Subaru: “No, Emilia. That isn't what I think.” 

Far too belatedly comprehending the height of the wave cresting in Emilia's heart, Subaru speaks. If he does not capture Emilia right here, right now, something terrible is going to happen. Should she continue to reject him, then even if he reaches out, he will never seize her again. And so without any leeway to even wonder what he should best say, he talks. 

Subaru: “I can't be mad at you, but it's not because I think anything like that...” 

Emilia: “If that's true, then...! How come! How come you didn't keep your promise?!” 

Subaru: “—hk!” 

With his knee-jerk statement denied, the new topic leads Subaru's face to stiffen. The PROMISE. That meant the one he and Emilia had shared last night, and if questioning whether it had been properly fulfilled— 

Emilia: “I asked you to hold my hand until morning! And you promised me by saying 'I will'... so why did you let go of my hand? Why didn't you keep your promise?” 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “B-Both you, and Puck, broke... your promises, and went away. You left me behind, and went away... you liars. Subaru's a liar. Puck's a liar. ...Liars, liars... liars...” 

Her voice in tears, Emilia violently condemns the violation of promises. Facing down and with teardrops streaming out her eyes, Emilia butts her head into Subaru's shoulder, before weakly slapping her hand to his chest. The force is equivalent to nothing. But even so, it hurts as though he's been punched clean though. This was the whole of the pain that Subaru had not noticed and overlooked, borne by Emilia. Which Subaru and Puck had showered upon her. 

Emilia: “P-promises are, important... and I told you that, I told you that before! That for practitioners of the spiritual arts, for me, promises are important... and so I want them to be kept... you're supposed to have apologized to me for not having kept one... and, even still you broke, a promise again...” 

Subaru: “...Emilia.” 

Emilia: “Don't break promises... don't tell lies... you mustn't break promises... if, you do that, if I do, then, Mother and Juice...” 

With her face still pressed against Subaru's shoulder, Emilia's emotions lack any harbour as she lets them wander, lost. Her surging emotions and grief for the betrayal have torn her thoughts into tiny, disjointed shreds. Her inarticulate speech turns further incoherent, ending with Emilia sobbing in the diction of a wailing child, 

Emilia: “Don't tell lies... don't do it...” 

Her voice shakes with grief. A clawing pain tears at Subaru's chest. PROMISE—a word which carried multiple different connotations when used between Subaru and Emilia. Subaru had once disregarded their promises, wounding Emilia, and spawned a mutual divide between them. After their reunion he ascertained the significance of a promise, and they tied one between themselves in the form of a bond. 

And regardless the word PROMISE again echoes without kindness, instead binding the two with overwhelming weight. More than anything, Emilia's state when she talks about PROMISES differs tremendously from usual. Something, some important part of Emilia's foundations, tethers her to promises. 

Emilia: “—” 

With her head buried between her knees, Emilia weeps. Every second Subaru spends witnessing this cuts another lash of guilt into his heart. 

The sobbing echoes into his ears as he frantically considers what to say. Should he apologize? Should he pretend he understands? Should he rigorously console her? How much compassion is safe for him to convey? 

Subaru's head spins and spin as he thinks, unable to grasp any hint toward the solution. What to do, what could he, what should he, what ought he, what would be, the best— 

Subaru: “—” 

He thinks, and thinks, and thinks, Subaru closing his eyes amidst his whirling thoughts, and— He feels that he has reached the answer of what to do. 

Subaru: “Emilia. —I love you.” 

Emilia: “—” 

Those words truly had no business being spoken in this situation. 

Emilia: “...Huh?” 

Hearing Subaru's statement, Emilia gives an astonished yelp as she looks up. 

Her teary amethyst eyes open wide as her gaze captures Subaru. His visage is warped atop the sheen of her tears—and so he manages to resiliently maintain an unshakable heart. After all, he no longer has any hesitation on what to say. 

Subaru: “Every fucking night, you go shunting yourself again and again into the same exact TRIAL. The hell is the TRIAL? It's just the goddamn past. Stop dawdling around getting caught up in things that're already over.” 

Emilia: “...ah, euh,” 

Subaru: “And just when I think I'll do it for you, you start saying you have to it yourself and get so fucking stubborn about it. It'd be one thing if saying that made it possible for you to clear it, but if the outcome's the same, all it amounts to is talk. How about spending a moment to consider what it feels like to have to watch you lose over and over?” 

Emilia: “S-suhbaru...” 

Subaru: “And to top it off when your pet-slash-guardian goes missing, you can't even stand for yourself. You throw a tantrum and worry everybody, then shirk your duties to go sulk in bed. Well how lovely for goddamn you, enough's enough, I'm sick of it.” 

Emilia's eyes bulge in disbelief as Subaru spits word after word. Her wet eyes forget about their tears thanks to her abundance of shock, her lips unable to voice any meaningful words and trembling. Unmistakably, with no parallel, Emilia's heart has been wounded. Faced with the scorn and disgust of Natsuki Subaru, never once directed at her before, her heart is torn to pieces. 

Emilia's expression contorts. This was not lachrymose, nor a pending conniption, nor the hollowness of resignation. Hit with curses she has never been showered in before, Emilia's expression changes. Not to any of the more fitting candidates, but to something entirely different. 

—What arises on Emilia's face is a horrifically dry smile. 

Emilia: “That's... right, isn't it. O-of course you'd, think this about me as well, Subaru...” 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “They're all things, that you just have to call awful... they are. Ever since I came to SANCTUARY... no, way before that... I've always caused just so many problems, and so, I...” 

Subaru: “Yeah. You honestly haven't done a single good thing since coming to SANCTUARY. I know I'm not one to talk here, but it's too horrendous to ignore. There's no way to back it.” 

Subaru validates the trembling Emilia's invalidation of herself. Emilia's throat gives a choked noise. A sob, or something close to it is what she swallows down, her pained smile still on her face as she speaks. 

Emilia: “And so, I... both by Puck, and by you... w-was, abandoned, which's natural...” 

Subaru: “Yes. You pulled a ton of crap, and there's still no signs of improvement. For the sentiment of 'I'll do something about this' to be weaker than 'oh please just let anything happen here' is overwhelmingly natural.” 

Emilia attempts to reply to Subaru's invalidation. He grabs the final part of her response, with which he judges her harshly. 

Subaru: “—But.” 

Moments before the conversation reaches its end, Subaru cancels his negations. Emilia looks up at Subaru. Arisen in her eyes is an emotion that only Subaru would understand. —Because that same exact emotion had one been arisen in Subaru's eyes as well. 

Subaru: “I love you. —Emilia.” 

Using the same thing and the same words which he could not escape from, Subaru blocks Emilia's escape. 

※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※　※ 

The long lashes bordering her eyes tremble, Subaru's statement robbing Emilia of her awareness. 

The sight of her, frozen, with even her thoughts ground to a halt, leads Subaru to smile faintly. Not relief, and naturally not ridicule, put a name to it and it'd have to be nostalgia. So nostalgic that he wants to start screaming everything, including what Emilia's looking for. Subaru: “I love you. I love you and love you and love you, love you so much it's hopeless.” Emilia: “Wh-what are you... all of a sudden...” Subaru: “I love your super pretty silver hair, I love your amethyst eyes and how when they're wet  they look like jewels, I super love your voice and how I get dreamy just from hearing it, and your slender long legs and your pale skin, and our height difference and all of that is so to my ideal I can't stand it, just being with you makes my heart race I can't stop it and oh god I love you.” 

Emilia: “—” Subaru: “I love how you're just a little dopey, it's adorable how you put your best into everything, I revere how fervent you get for other people's sakes, I think the way you disregard yourself can't be  left unattended, and all of your expressions, and all of your emotions, are things where if I could witness them from your side, nothing could be better... I am always thinking this.” Emilia: “Why are you, right now... stop messing around with me!” His feelings for Emilia, flowing out his mouth. 

Emilia casts his words away with a shriek. 

Her shoulders heave, her brows shoot down, as Emilia sees how Subaru's attitude is sidestepping the issue, is fleeing from the condemnations he made, is attempting to ruin everything they spoke about, and bares her fury. 

Emilia: “Why are you suddenly saying this! This wasn't what we were talking about! Y-You were saying I'm utterly useless, that I'm entirely lacking, that's what you said! You're sick of it, you can't bare to watch it... y-you said that I'm, damn...” 

Subaru: “Yeah, I did. Get subject to seeing all that uselessness, and how the results are always something where you just want to sigh over how it was all insubstantial talk, then consider that I'm impatient at best of times, and I would've long stopped feeling any love. That's saying if it weren't you, Emilia.” 

Emilia: “Why!?!” 

While agreeing with the worthlessness of her actions, Subaru denies the single most important part. Emilia raises her voice, unable to agree, unable to allow this pass. 

Emilia: “The uselessness and hopelessness, all of it, that's me! So then why are you trying to overlook it? Why are you forgiving me? Why...” 

Subaru: “If it's just answering that, I'll say it endlessly. Because, I, love you!” 

Emilia: “—hk” 

Emilia sobs as she presses in closer, Subaru equally jabbing his face in nearer as he yells. Emilia flinches back, overwhelmed, but for every step she retreats, Subaru closes that exact distance. No shift comes to the fact that they are within breathing range and gazing at each other. 

Subaru: “I love you. And so no matter what unfortunate things I see from you, it feels like I just discovered another side of you, even when you're lacking I wind up supporting you thinking it's a barrier for you to overcome, and no matter how fed up you are with yourself, I'll never dislike you.” 

Emilia: “—” 

Subaru: “Even if you hate how weak and pathetic you are, and brood thinking a that others should be judging you negatively as well... I'm gonna keep expecting things from you. I am never going to use your weakness as a reason to desert or to abandon you.” 

Emilia's eyes waver. Her gaze has been fixed on Subaru—her eyes full of acceptance for his invalidations of her, receptiveness toward resignation, and her weak desire to drown in a pool of sorrow and grief. Emilia wanted to be invalidated. It does happen that by having everyone generally accept that you are hopeless, by learning that you are beyond any saving, you only then begin to feel any sense of relief. 

Subaru knew that feeling, but he also knew what it was to be guided out of it. Because Natsuki Subaru had once attempted to abandon himself, but had been unable to have another abandon him. 

Subaru: “I am head over heels for you. Everything good about you shines brilliantly for me. And of course I know not everything about you is good. You're... you're not an angel, not a goddess, you're an ordinary girl. Pain and suffering makes you want to cry, you want to avoid and bypass things you don't like, and you have a desire to choose only the easy and fun options so long as they're available.” 

Emilia: “—” 

Subaru: “But even including those weak parts, or even call them ugly parts, I entirely love the person who is Emilia. And so... even now, I'm not disappointed in you in the least.” 

Emilia: “—hk! Don't you! T-think that's being far too selfish!” 

Spilling from Subaru's mouth, the form of his feelings. Hearing them spoken in sequence, Emilia fails to suppress her disorder as she refutes him. 

Emilia: “You invalidated me, you said lots of times that I'm useless, and now you're still saying you love me? ...W-who could believe! Subaru, how can you believe in me like that, that's... that's the thing I don't understand!” 

Subaru: “No! No, that's utterly wrong! There's some reason I believe in you, and so I love you. — That idea's wrong. I love you. And so I believe in you. That way around!” 

Emilia: “Just love alone is not a reason to believe!” 

Subaru: “—! If love alone weren't reason enough to believe, then who the hell'd willingly go through all this suffering to help a pain in the ass woman like you!” 

Voices peaking, the two's emotions crash into each other. Subaru puts his hand to the wall as he drags himself up to stand, for Emilia to also stand up to face him. 

Close enough to butt heads, both their eyebrows lowered, Subaru and Emilia howl their feelings. With spit flying, faces red, yelling 'No you're wrong!', having never before raised their voices at each other, these two. 

Subaru: “I love you! I love you so much it makes me crazy, so much I'd be okay to die. And so I cope with the pain and the suffering, I am bordering on puking right now but here I am hanging around you!” 

Emilia: “I did not! Ask for that! Going off saying whatever selfish things you want... You're the one who's never thinking about my feelings, Subaru! Like you are now... where it's my fault you have to deal with it, and you're always being hurt... you have no clue what it feels like for me!” 

Subaru: “Like I could have any goddamn clue, and I'm not gonna think about it, either! All I'm ever thinking about is how to look cool around you! What will make you think of me best, or what will make you happiest.... people are going through all the damn effort for it, how about going with the plan and looking cute every once in a while!” 

Emilia: “Don't talk like I'm a doll! If you want me to be happy, if you're thinking like that for me... th-then, why did you break your promise! All you had to do was stay by what I asked you! How come you won't do that for me! I bet you actually hate me!” 

Subaru: “I love you!!” 

Emilia: “You're lying!!” 

Subaru screams the whole of his feelings in desperation, only for Emilia to yell over him. How great of a detour had he once taken for the sake of voicing these feelings? How great an obstacle had Subaru overcome for the sake of telling what ought to be told? These love confessions, thrown around so much they practically look cheap, were all entirely Subaru's truest sentiments, spoken from the whole of him, seeped through to every portion of his soul in their legitimacy. 

Subaru: “I'm not lying! I love you! How about you talk, what do you think of me! You've always got this attitude where you're making these fucking insinuations! Do you have any fucking idea what a jolt it is to my heart every time you make these cute expressions and it looks like there's hope!? Stop fucking around with me!” 

Emilia: “I-I'm not messing with you! I'm just being normal, stop saying weird things! I have so many things to think about right now and am facing a serious problem, and you're asking what I feel about you... I'm not able to think about it! Stop it! Don't pester me!” 

Subaru: “Who's pestering who here! It's you! Pestering me!” 

Emilia: “But it's you! Pestering me!” 

Not a fragment of logical debate, this is a collision of emotional reasoning. Like two tantruming children showering insults on the other, Subaru and Emilia both loudly assert their feelings. 

Their voices echo through the dim, cramped tomb, all the uproar since the long-silent structure's construction resounding through the place. The intensity of their argument could practically slap the tomb's sleeper awake, the two breathing raggedly as they commence their fruitless quarrel. 

Emilia: “I can't trust anything you say anymore! You are a liar! You broke your promise, and even still you come showing up around me like nothing happened... y-you thought I didn't notice, didn't you! But I watched it! I watched whether you were going to keep your promise with me!” 

Subaru: “Stop being an asshole! Doesn't it embarrass you to pull this crap, pretending you're weak so you can test people!” 

Emilia: “There's no reason I have to hear that from a promise-breaking liar!” 

Subaru: “Me breaking the promise has nothing to do with this!” 

Emilia's cheeks redden with fury as Subaru easily attempts to sidestep the issue. She cannot fully dispel her anger, the emotion so intense that she cannot speak. Emilia takes several ragged breaths before straining the words out her throat. 

Emilia: “Why... why did you break your promise?” 

Subaru: “...I do feel bad about breaking the promise. That I wanted to keep holding your hand and stay with you until morning was truth.” 

Emilia: “That's not what I asked. —Why did you break your promise?” 

Subaru: “...I can't say it.” 

Gritting his teeth, Subaru replies to Emilia's question with an anguished moan. Seeing him attempt to dodge questions this late, Emilia gives a long sigh. 

Emilia: “You won't keep your promises. You won't tell me why you break them, either. ...And now you're yelling at me to do something. If you're going to tell me you love me... then act like it! If you don't do that, I... can't, believe you...” 

Subaru: “Emilia.” 

Emilia: “If you'd kept your promise and stayed with me until morning! Then I know I'd be able to believe you! I'd believe in you, and be able to entrust everything to you! But you broke your promise... and so it's, just over for me... I mean, both you and Puck, you left me behind...” 

Grimacing, Emilia sticks her fingers into her silver hair, and faces downward. Her fervour shifts forms, shifts directions, as Emilia grasps herself. 

Emilia: “Now that Puck's gone, these scenes have been going through my head. ...They're in my head, these scenes I don't know, conversations I don't remember, they keep flowing and flowing...” 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “I thought I had remembered everything, but all these memories are things I know nothing about... but still, they really are my memories... and every time I remember them, when something that's meant to be there but I forgot about comes up, I get anxious...” 

These memories Emilia is referring to would be her true memories, which she had wished to ignore. Emilia had used Puck to seal away a past that she did not want to remember. Her contract with Puck was ceased, and without their yoke the memories began to overflow, drowning Emilia's interior in her true recollections. 

But for her this was a dramatic thing, which meant an alteration of her very self. 

Emilia: “I finally realised that I was leaning on Puck, and running away from lots of things... I'm certain that Puck left so that he could tell me that. But I'm scared. I'm scared. Puck's gone, and my real memories are coming out... It's like I'm steadily not being me.” 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “Once all these memories are here... I know I'm going to be a me unlike who I used to. My present self thinks that I started in a place with memories which aren't my real ones... but, once I  remember where I really started... I know the me who got this far is going to disappear...” Emilia's resolve and determination had been formed with false memories as their origin points. Thus once she regains her true memories, once her beginning changes its form, Emilia's present  resolve and determination, and the whole of the path she has walked thus far, will have what happen to it? ???: <—What's important isn't the beginning or the middle, it's the end.> Subaru: “—” A voice passes through Subaru's mind. 

This familiar but distant voice was a close one for Subaru, belonging to someone he would regardless never see again. At the very end of the end of their goodbye, these words given to him as homework. 

Yeah. You're right, he thinks. 

No matter how events begin, no matter how the path proceeds, until they reached absolute end of the end of the end, did anybody have the goddamn right to decide whether it had all been a mistake? Subaru: “No matter what you remember, nothing'll change. I love you. I'll always be loving you.” Emilia: “—hk. I can, not believe you. This me who you say you love... I-is going to, even if she's  gone, are you still, going to say you...” Subaru: “Yes. No matter what happens, you won't be gone. I love you.” Emilia: “...You're a liar. Y-you wouldn't, let me believe... in you...” Subaru: “—Well then, I'll make you believe.” Her voice shakes, her eyes waver, as Emilia attempts to reject Subaru. 

His words are not communicating this. His attitude would not convince her either. In that case, the only way to convey his feelings for her was through action. And so, 

Emilia: “Suhbar...” Subaru: “If you don't want it, dodge.” Within breathing range—or no, not even their breaths could intervene in the space between them. 

Subaru reaches out for Emilia's shoulder, and draws his face in closer. As she witnesses Subaru's  approach, confusion arises in Emilia's eyes, her body going rigid. For one second, he waits. If she's going to push him away, this is the moment. 

Emilia: “—” 

But Emilia closes her eyes. Whether it was resignation, or the result of hesitation, Subaru couldn't tell. 

Subaru: “—Mmh” Emilia: “—Ngh” 

Their breathing intermingles as Emilia then holds her breath, Subaru's brows furrowing in pain. The quiet noises come from the force of their teeth striking together. It all begins with that slight, achy pain, but that immediately disappears from even the crevices of his mind when faced with the intensity of this heat. 

Soft lips. Nothing more than a mutual touch, this kiss. 

This being the first for Emilia, and for Subaru his second time kissing her. It is unlike his first time, with its cold taste of DEATH. His second kiss tastes of LIFE, hot. 

In simultaneous movement, their lips separate. 

They draw their faces away from each other, both forgetting to breathe as they gaze at the other. Flushed cheeks. Watery eyes. The him reflected in Emilia's eyes also looks entirely enchanted. The pathetic expression leads Subaru to come back to his senses first, him remembering how to breathe as he proceeds. 

Subaru: “I love you.” 

Emilia: “—” 

Subaru: “No matter what bad things I see of you, no matter what arguments we get into, I'm unchangingly going to keep loving you. That'll never change no matter what happens—and so I am always believing in you. If you're going to ask why.” 

Emilia: “It's because, you love me...” 

Carrying on from where Subaru finished, Emilia touches her lips in astonishment. She traces her fingers over them, as if grasping the vestiges of the touch, her eyes overflowing with water. The tear descended to her pale cheek falls, glittering like a drop of the moon. 

Subaru: “Of course you'd be anxious when unknown memories are coming up. And I understand being scared because it feels like an unknown you is going to come out. But that doesn't mean the path you've walked will vanish, or that your feelings will change.” 

Emilia: “How come you're... able to say this?” 

Subaru: “What's important isn't the beginning. It's the end. —The woman I respect most in the world told me that.” 

Worst in the world at suppositions, but still somehow taught him the most important thing in the world, his mother. He didn't think that he understood it entirely, but he did wish to gradually learn. Because there was a girl right in front of him, with whom he wished to learn it together. 

Emilia stands dead still in her anxiety, while Subaru gives her a relaxed shrug. 

To tell her it's no big deal, and blast her worries away. Subaru: “It's okay, Emilia. No matter what you remember, I'm on your side. It's fine no matter what forgotten things you remember. But if you're still afraid even then, let's find it.” 

Emilia: “Find it... find what?” 

Subaru: “Just like how I go zooming around off my love for you, the precious feeling which'll let you zoom around without worrying about people around you.” Emilia never hesitated to volunteer herself for the sake of another. 

Although, that stated, Subaru did think her attitude as she prioritizes others first noble, beautiful,  and loved it. The words 'for the sake of ANOTHER' are horrifically kind, horrifically sad. Because the feelings held for someone of unseen visage would surely never rival feelings held for someone whose face existed in plain view. 

Subaru: “I'm kinda sorta expecting for said precious feeling to get aimed at me.” Emilia: “My... precious feeling...” Perhaps she was not listening to Subaru, for Emilia puts her hand to her chest and lowers her eyes. 

Her fingers reach for where Puck's jewel would have been. With their bond broken, there is nothing for her to touch. Her fingertips scratch at empty air. But Emilia grasps her hand firm. 

Emilia: “When I've recovered all of these memories... maybe it'll be there, my precious feeling.” Subaru: “Yeah. It's there. A reason to keep walking.” Emilia: “—Mn.” Dubious, is not how suspicious an expression it is, but regardless it is not one of perfect agreement. 

After watching Emilia give a slight nod, Subaru closes his eyes as he faces up to the ceiling. 

He gets the sense that the words which had similarly uplifted him had been more powerful. Gets the sense that it had been kinder words, stricter words, stronger words that saved him. —Had he managed to be Emilia's strength? Subaru: “—” To ask the question would be incredibly lame. 

He sighs, and the instant he drains of his strength the sickness he forgot about jolts him. He impulsively puts his hand to the wall, just barely managing to keep himself from puking. Emilia: “Subaru?” 

Subaru: “It's nothing... is what I wanna say but, it's something. I am pretty bad right now. Anyway, if we're going to keep arguing or fighting can we kinda do it outside.” 

Emilia: “Geez... But I don't even want to do those.” 

Emilia's lips form into a faint smile. But the weak thing carries the strong appearance of her usual frantic charade. She has not reached a clear-cut answer yet. Her anxiety has not been fully dispelled. 

With his hand against the wall, Subaru starts walking for the tomb's exit. Subaru's steps are unsteady ones, while Emilia's hand wanders back and forth, indecisive about whether it should touch Subaru's stomach. It seems their previous meeting of lips had indeed affected her considerably. Thinking back on it now, that was pretty ballsy of him. His face flushes hot. 

But all those sentiments would have to be left behind for now. 

Subaru: “—” 

The optimum in showing Emilia that he was her ally, and acting for her sake. The act of fulfilling the role he had allotted to himself, protecting her, and protecting his feelings for her. And so— 

Subaru: “I have to finish doing all the things I gotta do.” 

They exit the tomb. Bright sunlight greets the two as they step out of the darkness. Where, 

Subaru: “—Hey, kept you waiting.” 

???: “Tch.” 

There, clicking their tongue in irritation as Subaru gives a wave— 

???: “—Whatever, ain't like I was waitin' any.” 

—with his body slathered in blood and hostility in his eyes, stands Garfiel.