CHAPTER 19: HOMEWORK
Subaru heads for home through the familiar townscape while sorting out his heart.
There's several strong emotions in Subaru's chest as he walks. He'd never gone wandering around like this, while the sun was up, since he became a truant. That this scenery, which he was supposed to have walked through many times, appeared different was probably not entirely due to the sunlight.
Subaru: “Well, not like truants go walking around under the dazzling Mister Sun often.”
Couldn't bear becoming the subject of rumours or being taken in by the police. Even if Subaru's unnoticed true desire was for his parents to hate him, he didn't want it to be from doing something that'd get the police involved.
There's memories all along the path back home. Feeling the ground under his soles in confirmation, he walks through the quiet—more rather, unpopulated—townscape. Around the time he stops noticing the dried tears on his cheeks is when he reaches his house's front gate.
He takes a breath, and stops. Eyes closed, he swallows down all the multitude emotions in his heart.
Subaru: “—I'm home.”
He opens the door and waits for a reply. But the reply he absolutely should be getting isn't coming. Furrowing his brow in confusion, Subaru takes off his shoes and goes inside, scanning his gaze about for his supposedly-present mom.
Naoko: “...Welcome home.”
—Says Naoko as she glances back at Subaru, herself standing before the refrigerator, a bottle of mayonnaise in her mouth.
Subaru: “...I'm home.”
His stress gone elsewhere, Subaru's shoulders slump as he smiles wryly and gives that reply.
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Subaru: “When I didn't get a reply after saying 'I'm home,' I was worried something'd happened.”
Naoko: “Nothing happened, silly. Look, mom's mayonnaise was all empty. So I was just sneaking a sip of Dad's mayonnaise when... Lately, I've been feeling that you and your dad's voices sound alike, Subaru. I can't tell you apart over the phone.”
Subaru: “That conversation kinda jumped, but so it's because you couldn't tell me apart from dad you were hiding. Or I mean, if you were trying to hide I think you'd want to be stealthier about it.”
Meeting his mom face-to-face in the living room, Subaru sucks up some of the contents from the mayo bottle and casually sets it on the table. Naoko tilts her head. Naoko: “We'll keep it a secret from Dad. Drinking Dad's mayonnaise... Look, don't you think it's economical to taste the great flavour of mayonnaise and the flavour of Dad at the same time?” Subaru: “There's no good way to respond to what sounds like some recorder-licking weirdo's court testimony! And saying that putting two things you like together's the best, are you in middle school?!”
Naoko: “So, what happened to Dad? You left him behind? Subaru, when did you become fast enough to leave your Dad behind?” Subaru: “It's not like I could ever win in a footrace with dad anywa... or no, actually...” Last time Subaru and Kenichi had had some kinda footrace, Kenichi left Subaru faaaaar behind. But that had been years ago. Comparing them now, Subaru definitely wouldn't be left behind so far, or even lose.
Subaru: “In the end, I was taking half-measures with damn everything.” Leaning back on his chair so that it squeaks, Subaru gives a big stretch. Naoko puts her hand to her mouth and smiles.
Subaru: “What? Something funny?”
Naoko: “Just thought you looked exactly like Dad when you did that. He's always stretched his back while leaning on the chair-back. Then he'd put too much force into it and topple over.” Subaru: “So not just our voices, even our mannerisms are alike. Can't tell whether that's a good or bad thing.” Naoko: “I think it's good. —Yup, you definitely are his son.” Subaru's heart gives a single, hard thump and he desperately manages to keep himself from groaning. Naoko blinks in surprise at seeing Subaru's face stiffen and eyes jolt open. Subaru quickly manages to settle the throbbing down. Subaru: “Feels like I'll wind up staying if I keep being here too long, so...” Subaru stand up and scratches his cheek. Subaru: “So hey, there's sorta something I wanna ask you.” Naoko: “Yup, go ahead.”
Looking as if she's feigning ignorance about not recognizing Subaru's hesitation, Naoko casually glances back and forth between Subaru and the mayonnaise. Probably she wants some mayo just as must as she wants to hear her son go on with this. Completely dumbfounded by his mom's same-as¬ever attitude, his face breaking out into a small smile, Subaru,
Subaru: “—Do you remember where I put my school uniform?”
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—Subaru puts on his ironed white shirt and neat, clean slacks. He fastens his belt as he stands before the mirror, and with some struggling, gets his deep-green tie on. Then he puts on his navy blazer, and,
Subaru: “Student Natsuki Subaru, complete... Been like three months.”
Subaru gives a sigh at a job all done. This blazer outfit was mandatory every day, and tying the tie was a fucking pain, so he hated it for eating away at his precious sleeping hours. Even though he'd been tying it for two-and-a-bit years he still hasn't gotten good at it, which is pretty fucking uncool. But since this is his last time, his feelings about it are complicated.
Subaru: “It's the last time, so should I have it perfect, or just have it how I always do it?”
The answer's already inside him. He ties the tie shittily and just leaves it like that, turns around, looks over his room and grabs his schoolbag. Now matter how you looked at him, this was an exemplary high-schooler all ready to go to school.
Subaru: “But unfortunately forget homeroom, feels like third period'd be starting now. Nothing goddamn exemplary about setting out when the sun's already this high.”
Subaru goes to leaves his room. But right before he exits, he glances back as if remembering something. For a Subaru who had never moved houses once in his life, this room was the only place he could ever call 'My Room'. The place where, ever since he'd been given it after entering middle school, he'd spent almost six years waking and sleeping. Likely, this would be the last he'd ever see of it.
Saying nothing, Subaru silently bows his head.
After he ends that long, long bow, Subaru raises his head and in good spirits turns his back to the room. He clicks the door shut. He goes back down to the living room to see Naoko waiting there, and her sharp eyes open wide in surprise.
Naoko: “My. When you asked where your uniform and shirt was, I thought you might want to burn them and got everything ready... but that's all wasted now.”
Subaru: “When your son asks you where his uniform is your thoughts turn to immolation? Or I mean, when you say 'got everything ready' for the burning, those potatoes and those skewered franks and stuff are...?”
Subaru shivers as he looks at the cooking ingredients lined up on the table, at a loss for words.
Naoko looks a newly-dressed Subaru once over. Naoko: “Mmhm, looks good. That outfit makes you feel like an adult, and right now balances your eyes so they look slightly tempered down.”
Subaru: “My mom's robbing me of said temper with that 'right now'!”
Naoko: “Why are you being so touchy? Want some mayonnaise to calm down?”
Subaru: “Right now, I'm not really in the...”
Naoko: “Well of course you're not.”
Naoko holds out a bottle of mayonnaise with an 'S' written on the cap, demarcating it as Subaru's personal stash. At hearing Subaru's rejection, Naoko nods as if she expected that response. Naoko: “After all, you don't really like mayonnaise.” Subaru goes silent. Naoko: “You just drank it with us because me and dad love mayonnaise.” Naoko sets the Subarunaise on the table and idly spins it around as she speaks. Subaru's throat clamps shut in surprise. Panicked, swallowing his breath and with his lips shaking, Subaru: “Wh, what makes you...” Naoko: “Okay Subaru, which would you choose, the world or mayonnaise?” Subaru: “Um, that'd be the world...” Naoko: “You see?” Subaru: “That example's awful!! How're you getting all 'you see' and satisfied at that! Anyone who'd pick mayonnaise there doesn't really like mayonnaise they just hate the world!” Subaru glares at the mayo on the table, then gives a small snort. Subaru: “...How long have you been thinking that?” Naoko: “Since forever. If me or Dad had no mayonnaise we'd be depressed like the world was ending, but that doesn't happen with you, Subaru.” Subaru: “I'm despairing at the height of this hurdle you're asking.”
That said, Subaru's status as a Mayolover is not in question. Whenever you ask what seasoning he's going to go for it's mayonnaise. Mayonnaise for all fried foods. Snacks are mayonnaise flavoured with extra mayonnaise spread on them. But if you were going to ask why was so attached to mayonnaise—
Subaru: “You two looked like you were savouring it so much, and I wanted to savour it the same way. Man my father complex-mother complex resulting family complex was intense...” Naoko: “Can you add a super to that?” Subaru: “Thus dubbed Super Family Complex aka Super Famicom—augh just shut up.” Subaru gives a sigh and reaches for the mayo on the table.
Naoko: “Ah,” Subaru: “—phhhfah. Ah, it's good! Authentic mayonnaise really is different! The other replicated-ingredients mayonnaise is fine too, but yes it's the unhealthy uses-synthetic-colouring mayonnaise that's the real thing! Theirs is mayonneeze.”
He swallows down the once-full bottle of mayonnaise in one go, savouring the sour taste burning down his throat. This, was the mayonnaise that mayonnaise junkies couldn't ever stop loving. Subaru: “Maybe I lose to two you when it comes to mayonnaise love, but I still am an adherent to the mayonnaise I can't ever stop loving. I swear it on every cap of every bottle I've drunk.”
By the way Subaru keeps a personal collection of all the caps of all the mayo bottles he's eaten in his room. There's 776. And with this new guy, it's 777.
Subaru: “Triple sevens. Mind putting this cap in my closet afterwards?” Naoko: “Ooh, three sevens is lucky. Dad was overjoyed a little while ago when he got four sevens, too.”
Subaru: “Literally love in a different multitude!”
Naoko happily takes the cap. Subaru can't just accept what he's just heard, his sense of accomplishment being spoiled, but he immediately fixes his face anyway. Subaru: “Now... well, bout time to go.” Naoko: “Ah, if you're going to the convenience store, I'd like a cream puff so buy one.” Subaru: “Looking at my outfit could you please use your imagination a little before speaking!?” Subaru spreads out his arms, indicating himself. Naoko smiles. Naoko: “Kidding, kidding.”
Naoko: “You're going to school this late? It makes your mom happy, but... won't you stand out in a bad way? Isn't it something you could do tomorrow?” Subaru: “Stop crushing your son's fledgling motivation. I'm already neck-deep in a willpower shot down by others harshly and by myself well.”
Naoko: “If you really were that kind of boy, Subaru, then your mom wouldn't have had so much trouble.”
Naoko: “Now, your mom's gonna get her jacket so wait here a mo.” Subaru: “Wait here... wait, you're seriously coming too? Getting outta being a shut-in then going to school with your parents is something you'd do in a punishment game!”
Naoko: “I won't go as far as school. I'm just going to the convenience store to buy some mayonnaise and cream puffs. Can't impose that much on you.”
Subaru: “Wha!? But this feels like you're asking me to come with you!?” Naoko gives an apathetic 'yeah yeah' at Subaru's yelling and goes off to her room. Indeed she will be accompanying Subaru halfway to school.
Subaru: “Nonono... give me a break here. Come on.” Says Subaru as his cheeks loosen in relief. —At the fact the time until he would have to say his farewells to his mother had lengthened, and that even when confronted with his weakness he had the resolve for such a thing.
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Naoko: “It's been a long time since we've last walked together like this, Subaru.” Subaru: “Really? Feels like we go to buy things at night together like all the time.” Naoko: “Haaa. Okay so, going from the conversation's flow I obviously mean at daytime. You need to read between the lines of what people are saying.”
Subaru: “When I'm hearing the rights and wrongs of making suppositions like that from you, I can't just agree with it!” Even though Naoko's a complete fanatical like a demon tier airhead, and is unaware of being an airhead, and you have to explain everything to her if you want to communicate with her, and stress builds up as you talk with her, Subaru loves talking with his mom. Naoko: “I'm glad it's warm out today. What did you talk with Dad about?”
Subaru: “Ah, there's some basic level mom-talk stuff—first and second parts don't tie together at all.
Well there wasn't really a theme so you had that, but, uhhhh...” Subaru tilts his head. If he's going to get detailed about his talk with Kenichi, he's going to have to mention his embarrassing inner feelings, and complexes, and that he cried. It was necessary to get that all out, but it was exactly because he thought he'd only be doing it once that there was that huge wave of emotions, so doing it again here would not be great. So,
Subaru: “The big points were... the story about Ikeda-san, and some tales of the past I guess.” Naoko: “Ahh, Ikeda-kun. Won in the horse races and moved to Thailand, was swindled by his young wife there and lost all his belongings, and now shunted into physical labour while getting scorched black.” Subaru: “Uh that's kinda the first time I'm hearing of the tragic development in that second half!?” Naoko: “He sent a letter saying, 'I could not get used to dirty money after all. My body may be in a poor state, but my heart is fulfilled.'”
Subaru: “Your experiences in some unknown place meant you got to take your mask off, Ikeda¬san... That's not personally insignificant here!” Ikeda-san only went to a different country rather than a different world. That said, finding a fellow comrade out there in a place he hadn't expected, Subaru casually prays Ikeda-san good luck. Naoko tilts her head. Naoko: “Hmmm,”
Naoko: “So, did those tales of the past make you feel like going to school?” Subaru: “Ahh, yeah, well I mean if you're putting it simply. It was a chance for me to look back at how ridiculous everything I was thinking of then was. And so,”
Naoko: “You decided to stop doing absolutely everything like your Dad.” Subaru goes silent. Naoko gives a big wave of her arms as she walks. Naoko: “You always tried so hard, Subaru, and completed lots of things non-committally. You had lots of opportunities for that since Dad's got so many random interests... You must've been exhausted.” Subaru: “M, mom... how much about me, do you...” Naoko: “Okay so, Subaru.” Even Subaru hadn't known his own true feelings. Subaru's stunned silent at Naoko's talk which
>implies she knew about it all along. He raises his head at her calling his name. Naoko circles round to stand before him, and looks Subaru straight in the eye. Naoko: “They say it all the time. That children pay more attention to their parents than their parents think.”
Subaru says nothing. Naoko: “But you know, the opposite's also true. Parents pay infinitely more attention to their children than their children think. I'm your mom, I've been paying infinitely more attention to you than you think I have, Subaru.” Subaru's just fucking stupefied. All of his efforts in ever hiding his true condition were actually completely pointless.
Naoko: “I put a suppository in you when you were small, so I've even paid attention to your bumhole. Subaru, the only part of your body I haven't seen is your internal organs.” Subaru: “Uh please excuse me. That conversation had been heading somewhere nice, your airheadedness truly didn't need to show up there.” And besides nevermind family it's pretty fucking rare for anyone to ever get a chance to see their internal organs. Although that said Subaru has been blessed with a few chances to do so. Anyway, Subaru: “The mayonnaise, and why I was a shut-in, too...” Naoko: “Your mom would've done something if she could. But it seemed like no matter what I'd do, it definitely wouldn't work out. But,” Naoko gives a small smile and stares into Subaru's dark irises. Naoko: “It looks like somebody, not me or Dad, did do something for you. I think that's extremely great. I'll have to thank them.”
Subaru: “...Yeah, you're right. They taught my hopeless self that I was hopeless. They told my hopeless self that I wasn't hopeless. That's why, like I am right now, I'm able to walk.” Who made him realise his foolishness, who gave his foolish self acceptance.
Ah, hell. Subaru: “They're amazing girls. They seriously are wasted on me.” Naoko: “But you're not going to give them up to anyone, right?” Subaru: “Well of course not. Whether they're appropriate for me or not isn't a problem. And if it's so bad that I'd be handing them down to someone else, even with them being inappropriate for me, I'd make them mine. I'd be raising my worth from thereon out, see.”
Naoko: “Mmhm. —Yup, you definitely are his son.”
Considering Naoko knows Subaru's true heart, she probably also knows how significant those words are to Subaru. And while knowing, she's telling them to him.
Subaru: “Am I really, made from him properly? Can I really, be his son properly?” Naoko: “Don't worry. After all, half of you is from me, Subaru. You'll fill your quota by becoming half as cool as Dad.”
Subaru: “So you know your genes making up my body are inferior!?”
Naoko: “If you become half as cool as Dad... then why not have other half just be Subaru?” Subaru goes motionless, dumbstruck, stupefied. Naoko: “Not all of you is going to be like Dad. I mean, if all of you is the same as Dad, Subaru, there'll be two of Dad and your mom'll be lost.” Subaru: “A woman's heart sent wavering by her husband and son, is this erotica?” Naoko: “Noo, you stop, aughh!” Subaru: “Guh—bwaaah!?” Naoko socks Subaru with a surprisingly sturdy right-hook to the face in embarrassment and turns her back to a pained, teary-eyed Subaru. Naoko: “So, Mom thinks it's good for Subaru to do his best to be like Subaru.” Subaru: “That was full of good vibes, but I'm kinda bleeding, here.” Naoko: “Speaking of blood, don't iron pipes taste like blood when you lick them?” Subaru: “Situations extreme as that don't really happen much... oh man, it's middle class mom-talk stuff, suddenly off-topic questions.” Even if you try explaining to her that it's because the iron in blood and an iron pipe are made of similar materials, it's hopeless. She'll just ask you why you're talking about something off-topic.
So, Subaru: “Me being like me, huh.” Naoko: “Yeah. While thinking to become like Dad, become Subaru.”
Naoko, a little ways ahead of Subaru, suddenly stops walking and glances back to him, pointing at the right path of the split in the road just ahead.
Naoko: “So, the convenience store's this way so Mom'll be stopping here... will you be okay on your own?” Subaru: “Scars deep enough to warrant that worrying... actually were there, yeah.”
Naoko's concerns aren't superfluous. Subaru: “I'll be okay. The things I have to do and want to do overlap perfectly. I don't have any reason to close myself up anymore.”
Naoko: “I see. Then good. Do your best.” Naoko nods in relief, and with a spring in her step, starts heading down the right-hand path. Subaru will be going down the left-hand, so this is where he and his mother part. Their goodbye. One certainly much, much longer than his mother thinks. Subaru: “Mom!” Naoko stops and turns around. The sight of his same old mother as always burns into Subaru's eyelids. Subaru: “Ah...” Subaru hesitates.
If Subaru doesn't say anything here, his mom will continue on without knowing how long this goodbye is going to be. Also, she'll lose the chance to see Subaru break down crying. If he doesn't his face to be stained with tears seeing his mother for the last time, perhaps it's better he keeps his mouth shut. That self-deceit wearing the veneer of being considerate,
Subaru: “There's something I have to do. This goodbye'll be a long one.” was not something Natsuki Subaru would permit. Naoko says nothing. Subaru: “I'll be going kinda far away, and I don't think we'll be able to contact each other. I think, it'll cause a lot of worries for you. I won't do anything dangerous... isn't something I can assert.
Since I have to save a girl in peril from situations which're entirely dangerous.” Subaru: “I think it'll worry you and Dad. Since it'll be different from yesterday where I was somewhere you could see me, it'll be somewhere your eyes can't reach. But, no matter where I am, I'll be thinking of you two, and I'll never forget you...”
Naoko: “Subaru.” Subaru: “I don't want to not be your child anymore, and I don't want to do things that'd make me hate myself. Definitely do know that this isn't a case where I can say, 'relax and see me off'. But I...” Naoko: “Subaru.”
Even Subaru's starting to not understand what the hell he's saying until Naoko's calling snaps him out of it. Subaru raises his head to find his mother standing directly before him. Naoko: “Subaru. —It's okay.”
Subaru: “...I-it's okay?” Naoko: “Because I know what it is you want to tell me, Subaru. You don't need to work that hard to search for the words.” Subaru: “You know? ...how? ...hk” Naoko: “Because I'm your mother, after all, Subaru.” There's absolutely no logic in it, but it probably has some completely irrefutable basis to it. The back of Subaru's eyes turns hot. He only just experienced this sensation like an hour ago. Just how many times does Subaru have to cry like a child here? If he drains out all his tears like this, will he be able to acquire an unshakable heart of iron? Subaru: “T-this... childish... so, lame...” Naoko: “If crying when you want to cry is lame, then that means every baby born is lame.” Subaru: “Not what I... mean...” Naoko: “Uh-huh, I know, silly. In front of me or Dad, you're a child no matter how old you are... when you want to cry, do cry.” The world blurs. The tears well up. Subaru wipes and hides his face with his sleeve, concealing his face from Naoko. Naoko respects his stubbornness by not trying to peer in or anything. But she does stretch herself up and slowly pats his short hair. Subaru: “...I'm sorry, mom. I'm, ultimately, still without doing anything for you...” Naoko: “It isn't that I had you because I wanted something, you know? I had you because I wanted to give something. It's because I wanted to give love, that I had you, Subaru.” —Then, Subaru had already received that love an uncountable number of times. Naoko: “If you want to do something for me and Dad, then it's fine for you to give that feeling to someone else. If that someone is the girl you love, Subaru, and you also make a child which you want to give love to... isn't that just the greatest?”
Subaru: “...Yeah, it is.” Naoko: “Right? Not a single thing your mom says is ever incorrect.” Smiling, Naoko tousles Subaru's bangs and gives his chest a push. Subaru takes a step back thanks to that and raises head, to see his mom looking up at him.
Naoko: “When your face gets messier from crying, it looks even weirder and more like your mom's.” Subaru: “...I'm impressed you can say that while referencing your own face.” Naoko: “I'm confident that it's the face Dad loves. So it's safe for you to be just as confident as me that Dad loves you, Subaru.” Subaru: “We're just talking about faces here though but okay!” Subaru forcefully wipes his face with his sleep, his eyes red but the tears stopped. Bawling like crazy, showing off his true feeling and getting consoled, and then feeling refreshed at the end of it all, weirdo.
Subaru: “Ahhhgeez, all this crying's so damn pathetic.” Naoko: “But crying's good. Subaru, you cried a heap when you were born. At first you cried so much anyone would find it disgraceful. At lots of things, in lots of places, you cried.”
Subaru says nothing.
Naoko: “But if you can smile at the end of all that crying, then everything's okay. What's important isn't the beginning or the middle, it's the end.” Subaru: “You mean, if the results're good then everything's okay?” Naoko: “Interpreting it like that is incorrect. Here, take it as homework from Mom.” He would never get to check the answers.
A farewell taking the name of homework. One day he would find the answer, and there it would come to him naturally. Both his mother and father, rather than complain at their son as he goes off somewhere unknown at the end of being a shut-in, sent him off with smiles. Subaru had loved his parents, his environment, and this place completely.
Subaru: “—I'll be going, then.” Naoko: “Yup, do that.” Subaru forces his cheeks into a smile, leaving his mom with that before turning his back on her, and starts walking.
They've already gotten through most of the path to school. All that's left is to get to the end of this street, then up the hill, to where the school's waiting—
Naoko: “Ah, right. Subaru, Subaru, I forgot.” Hearing this makes Subaru lose some of his mettle. He glances back, unable to conceal how he's been dispirited.
Naoko raises her arm. Naoko: “—Come home safe.” She gives a small wave, and smiles. —The night before he'd been summoned to the parallel world. When Subaru was going out to the convenience store, Naoko surely said the exact same thing to him. But back then, Subaru had simply wordlessly pushed the door open, and,
Which made this his last chance to wipe away his regret from that day. High class mom-talk stuff—no matter how many sideroads it takes, in the end it always ends up reaching the correct answer. The second the thought rises in Subaru's mind, a real, non-forced smile spreads over his face.
Subaru: “—See you later!”
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An unpopulated school building. Subaru heads for the shoeboxes at the entrance, opening the shittily-installed doors, swaps out his outside shoes for his inside ones, and takes a breath as he heads for the hallway.
The third-year's rooms are on the first floor. Subaru shoots the stairs a glance as he continues down the hall, his footsteps resounding off the linoleum floor and down the silent, empty corridor. He soon arrives before his classroom. Deep breaths.
He slides the door open. And then, a mob of reproachful gazes aimed towards the extremely-latecoming Subaru—
???: “That was a lot faster than I thought.”
—are nowhere to be found. Most all the seats inside the classroom are empty, the only occupied chair being the one in the very middle. The person sitting there turns around, with the chair, to look back at Subaru.
???: “Welcome. —Did you maybe get something from facing your past?”
Says the WITCH OF GREED, her white hair swaying, her eyes brimming and brimming with curiosity.
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