CHAPTER 36: AT THE END OF CONFUSION
—The moment he is forced out the door, Subaru feels a disorientation as if the earth and sky are flipped.
Subaru: “—Aguuah!?”
His back hits the hard ground, his throat struggling beneath the pain of air being wrung out of lungs. Momentum leads him to tumble across the floor, smack into a wall and finally stop. He shakes and raises his head, opening his eyes, disoriented in pain.
Subaru: “Beatrice...”
He puts to sound the name of the girl whose name he had not even managed to call, but it is too late for the girl in question to hear it. GATE CROSSING activated, leaving a blockade preventing them from seeing each other. Her rejection was great and deep, not something Subaru's voice would reach.
Subaru: “Why... can I never...”
Never realise his own mistakes until after he has failed, until after he has chosen the worst and most unfavourable options? All he wished for was to reel in the optimum method, the greatest future, yet why was he never enough? Weakness? Foolishness?
Subaru: “How come, you and a gospel... Just, what is with you!?”
The existence of the black tomb in her hand—the gospel, had decisively opened distance between Subaru and Beatrice. Subaru had firmly believed that over this small period of time together, he had established a definite SOMETHING with Beatrice. Even if it was a relationship of reciprocal sniping, and mutually expressing displeasure upon seeing each other, there was something endless about it—was what only Subaru had believed.
Presumption. Conceit. The peak of misconception and misapprehension. Subaru's obstinate beliefs had been the product of his self-satisfaction, while Beatrice had only harboured emotion for Subaru equivalent to what her words said. She had only associated with Subaru following the orders of the gospel, while in truth snubbing and hating him.
Subaru: “...Is that really true?”
Subaru: “Those times you smiled, scolded, tried to protect me... All of it was just a lie following the plot? ...Really?”
That's impossible, was how Subaru's weak heart yet wished to deny it. Beatrice's tearful voice in the last moment of their farewell invited obscurity to the veracity of her statements. It was far too early for him to make conclusions about anything.
Subaru: “Who cares about the book, I remember that you saved me... that unchanging truth is a debt only I know about.”
Subaru had been rescued by Beatrice multiple times during the loops in the mansion. He would linger in the Forbidden Archive to gather his thoughts after Returning by Death, and she more literally rescued him by removing the witchbeasts' curses. Him having let Rem die, she had gone to protect a Subaru pursued by Ram and Roswaal to the point of overinterpreting their humbug contract. Although, that great debt no longer existed in this world, outside of Subaru's chest.
Subaru: “Back then... I was happy.”
She had saved a Subaru who was under the belief he had lost all allies. He considered Ram and Rem enemies, could not fully read Roswaal's intentions, and could not even fully trust Emilia with how worn he was. It was only Beatrice who saved him. Just to what extent had that temporary, transient contract saved Subaru? It was a debt of inarticulate calibre toward her he could not fully repay.
Subaru: “I'll repay that debt. I don't even know if you gave it to me of your own volition, or if it was you respecting the book's 'will' or whatever... so, I'll confirm that.”
It is impossible for Subaru to question Beatrice now that she has so firmly rejected him. Subaru's resolve has no meaning in this world, and will be a carryover for the next.
Subaru lifts his right hand. Missing three fingers. Shoulder and hip twinging. Banged head. Tongue just a tiny bit shorter. All of it, pain he would not forget. Beneath his closed eyelids is Rem. Petra, Frederica then arise, Beatrice turns her back to him, and finally comes Emilia.
—Everything that Subaru had miscarried, and not grasped in this world.
He had enacted what he could to take that back. That which Beatrice interrupted he would again do, once more leaping into the helix.
Sticking out his shortened tongue, Subaru again resolves to bite it off. Thinking back on his failed suicide rebirths the anguish and prompts fear. Weakness comes, his legs tremble. Wordplay about “resolve” held not a scrap of worth when faced with the end. Forcing down his unproductive, negative emotions, Subaru suppresses the worst of the lot, the sensation of gazing into death. As if praying to return to a time to re-do everything, Subaru goes to close his eyes for his final moment—
Subaru: “...Where am I?”
—When he finally notices the place he has reached through GATE CROSSING is nowhere that he knows.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
This room is not one Subaru figures would be inside Roswaal's mansion. Damp stone-paved floor, thick ivy creeping across the grimy walls. Desks stand arranged in disarray, with rusted metal tools scattered about—the visual information alone is enough to summon unease. But more than any of that,
Subaru: “Ueh!?”
So pungent a stench, that should one notice it even once, they would not get it out of their awareness. Differing from the rot of organic waste, but indescribable as anything but rot, the stench fosters nausea. Subaru puts his hand to his mouth as his empty stomach wrings up its fluid. Yellowish vomit spills onto the floor, Subaru taking ragged breaths as he glares around the surroundings. The more he looks, the more irregularities he finds.
The dim room is paved with stone and about twice as big as the Roswaal mansion parlour. Not large enough to be spacious, but still not a cramped space. In the corner of the room are the disorderly desks and mystery tools, and opposite the desks—in a space occupying the majority of the room, is—
Subaru: “Destroyed desks and, crystals? Something crystallised, or pieces of magequartz? And this hole...”
Scattered about before his gaze are the debris of broken desks, and magequartz devoid of power. Beyond them is a gaping hole perhaps four meters in diameter. Even disregarding how meagre the room's lighting is, the hole is deep enough for the bottom to be invisible.
Subaru raises his head, to find that what is emitting this pale blue light from the walls is moss. This moss grows thickly in forests and glows, apparently absorbing mana from the atmosphere. Between the starlight and the glowmoss, the surroundings of Roswaal's mansion avoid the phenomenon known as 'pitch darkness'. Keeping his attention on the mosslight as he crawls across the floor, still feeling an unpleasant wetness on his pants and film dirtying his palm, Subaru stares into the bottom of the hole.
A cool wind quietly rises from the bottom, carrying the nose-turning—no, nose-demolishing— stench with it.
Subaru: “Uegh... eubg. Not having courage to peek inside's probably the correct choice... what is this stink?”
Were the stench one characteristic of something harbouring life, Subaru's imagination might have assumed the worst of possibilities. However, the flowing stench is not of meat or fluid or rot—if forced to choose something, it was closest to the smell of chemicals. The pain common to some strong chemical scents stings Subaru's nostrils. This smell transmitted from the bottom of the hole was that sort of non-biological scent.
Subaru: “—What else,”
Physically and mentally giving up on inspecting the bottom of the hole, Subaru wipes his nose, focuses on breathing, and looks around the room. What stands out are the tumbled ruins of a desk and expended magequartz at his feet. The metal desk has eaten a ferocious blow, crushed, and the magequartz seems to have once been piled atop said desk. Flipping the warped desk over, Subaru notices a pattern engraved on the desk's top.
Subaru: “A magic circle... is what it looks like, but...”
Magic circles were a kind of guarantee in parallel world fantasies, but Subaru had no recollection of seeing any since arriving here. The magic of this world fundamentally passed through the bodies of living creatures to interfere with the outside world, and excepting cases like magic-lights and metia Subaru had yet to find any exceptions.
The discovery of a magic circle was surprising, but,
Subaru: “Does it actually do anything? If it does, why's it in a place like this... There's no reason to just leave a magic circle...”
Perhaps its magic could not be activated at this place directly, but rather functioned as a means to preform long-range magic. Otherwise it may function as a system to conduct algorithms continuously, without the presence of a practitioner, but,
Subaru: “Then I get why there's empty magequartz tumbled all around it, too.”
Emptying the magequartz which functioned as its fuel tanks, the magic circle consequently lost its power—was probably the most logical view. What Subaru did not understand reaching that conclusion was the true nature of the hole, and the destroyed desk. The possibility that a system had activated to blow up the room if the algorithm was interrupted could not be discarded.
Subaru: “In the end, still no answer to where I am.”
A hole with seemingly no end, a magic circle and magequartz seemingly used to enact some algorithm. Looking over the stinking room, Subaru sees a different desk tipped over in the corner of the room, and tools. He picks up one of rust-smothered implements. It resembles pliers or nippers, the kind of utensil used when crafting plastic models. The same film dirtying the floor is smeared over this thing too, and most critically it appears enough time has passed to render it unusable, as it breaks down to scrap as soon as Subaru's hand touches it.
The desk is in the same condition, legs folded from deterioration over time, on the verge of turning to garbage from wind erosion. Its shape warps instant Subaru lightly sets his foot on it and it transforms to scrap metal. This thing would not give him any information either. But if there were anything to be curious about,
Subaru: “The time and way this one was broken's seriously different from the desk by the hole...”
Different from this desk which had been brittled and broken over time, the desk by the hole had blatantly been distorted with a destructive force. Further, judging by the state of the ground beneath it, that desk's destruction had been extremely recent—estimable as being within the past few days.
Subaru: “A destroyed room... who and for what purpose...”
Voicing his question, Subaru abruptly realises his thoughts are stupid. What was he going to do with this question? He doubted this was the type where thinking would give him an answer, and more importantly Subaru's arms were already full with more problems than he could hold. He had to avoid things that, as if jamming accessories between the gaps in his burden, would accelerate his collapse. Further, directing his attention in another direction like this was simply stretching out the time of his pressing suicide, and intolerable.
But even recognizing this hard-opposed feeling of SHAME, the irregularity of this room grabs Subaru and does not let go. Right now, he was witnessing something outrageously important—
Subaru: “—”
Guided by his conviction that he would get no answer, Subaru turns his head about, looking for the exit. Being that GATE CROSSING was what flung Subaru here, it was impossible that he had been thrown into a room without any opening or closing gateways. Ultimately, Subaru discovers the gate which spat him out in the middle of this room—installed in the upper portion of one of the walls, the opening-and-closing gateway of a tiny ventilation shaft.
Other than that, he finds no doors or gates which appear to be an entrance or exit to the room. The proper door may have been installed beyond the hole—on the opposite end of the room, which he could not reach. The moment he swallows down this truth, Subaru abandons the notion of leaving this room using the most appropriate method. He wipes the sweat off his palms and mystery film off his pants, holding his breath for a moment before reaching up for the topical gate.
Placed at a height he finally reaches by stretching up, the gate's size is perhaps closest comparable to a garbage chute. Although not constrained enough to prevent a human passage, Subaru was not so dainty he could breezily pass on through it. After much struggling due to crippled right hand, the rusted gate shrieks open, Subaru winches himself into the passage, and he begins manoeuvring operations. The place is as narrow as a ventilation shaft. Subaru considers the worst-case possibility of bugs and rats making it their nest, however the shaft is surprisingly clean—not, but that the dust-laden passage lacks any signs of living creatures is a grace.
Exiting the passage takes about three minutes. Becoming used to the crawling motions halfway though, it is just when his movements turn smooth that he arrives at his goal. Subaru hops down into the room connected here by the shaft, and glances over the surroundings. He pays utmost caution that there is not another hole here, but,
Subaru: “Different vibe from the other room. Comparing to what looked like a laboratory, this one's more of a waiting room.”
This room is a quarter as large as the previous. Perhaps prepared merely as a room to pass through, there are no particularly object-looking objects here except for two doors of the just-walk-through¬them variety. More accurately, a waiting room-esque room. With some chairs and magazines it'd be perfect, probably.
Subaru: “Directionally speaking from where I came, on the other side of this door'll be... yeah.”
He turns the squeaky doorknob and pushes the door open, to find a gaping hole directly before him. A slight sigh slipping from his lips at the deathtrap conditions, Subaru closes the practically-useless door out of consideration for his mental health. —Since the stench is now seeping into this room, and he mourns over his slowness of judgement. He gives a light shake of his head and heads for the opposite door. Beyond this door would surely be a space unknown to Subaru—
The sweat he supposedly wiped off his palms, and cold perspiration running down his back become unbearable. He did not know what would be beyond the door, but he needed to consider beforehand the worst of conditions—that someone or thing living would be there.
Subaru: “If this is... inside the mansion, then...”
It was not a room he knew, but it would not be strange if the second he exited the door, he would find Elsa before him. Subaru lacked the confidence to say, should he hypothetically be faced with the murderer, he could maintain his calm.
You must die immediately, was the reprimand insisting his suicide, but having recollected the experience of shattering his molars, that reprimand transforms into hatred.
The very thought that the deviant whose blades killed Petra, Frederica—Rem—might be there, torments Subaru with a wrath so hot as to boil his brain. He possesses a malediction desiring she be there, and a wretched craving for life that she is not. Wavering in the space between both extremes, Subaru's mouth twists into a wicked grin.
Whether she be there, or not be there, neither would betray this crazed emotion. With that thought diverged from sanity having reached its conclusion, and before the world he faced with such—
—He witnesses a scenery which should not be, and in that moment, Subaru forgets himself.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
—Subaru's brain had actually already reached the solution of where this unfamiliar room connected to.
There was already hardly any place in Roswaal's mansion that Subaru had not tread, and he even in a sense had free access to the Forbidden Archive. The potentials for places he did not know remained only as the door his hand had twice touched, but whose exit he had not seen—the door in the ESCAPE PASSAGE. Although he had harboured distrust for wherever that purpose-unknown room connected, he had not doubted that place would be part of Roswaal's mansion.
Subaru: “Where—is... this?”
What expands before Subaru beyond the opened door is a dark underground passageway—or not, but rather the verdant green of trees and nature, and further peculiar was,
Subaru: “M-morning?”
Looking up at the sky peeking through gaps in the trees, Subaru sees the ascending sun. Judging by the height of the sunrays, and with his skin sensing that this wind belongs to morning, confusion further ransacks his mind. Subaru had reached the mansion at evening, then had spoken with Petra and Frederica, and then considering the time passage with Elsa's attack, Subaru's wounding would have happened just before late night—meaning that now, almost half a day had passed.
Subaru: “Then, while I was unconscious!?”
After biting his tongue to commit suicide, Subaru had fallen unconscious, to later wake with his wounds healed. For just how long had he been unconscious inside the Forbidden Archive? Subaru remembers Beatrice's bragging that the Archive was a PLACE DETACHED FROM THE PASSAGE OF TIME. Subaru does not know just how credible that statement is, but,
Subaru: “If the save point gets overwritten like this...!”
It's going to be something disastrous. Before reality can be painted over with conditions realising multiple anxieties, Subaru immediately had to end his life. Had to, but another feeling was asserting its existence in a heatbutting match with that panic. And that feeling screamed.
—You have to confirm where this place is!
Subaru did not understand the purpose of doing so. Thinking back on all the particulars so far, and considering the maliciousness of RETURN BY DEATH, what he should do is kill himself immediately. But a horrifically calm part inside of Subaru was proposing that he do so, after gaining understanding of the circumstances he had been placed in.
Subaru: “—Fucking, fuck!”
Running, spit flying, Subaru heads into the forest before him. Dashing through the gaps between the trees, what arises in his mind is his conversation with Petra. Beyond the escape passage was the mountains behind the mansion, where there was a cabin, with emergencies supplies to escape with. If he could trust these words, he was presently at that mountain cabin, and place he was running through would be the backmountains he traversed well. However,
Subaru: “That was the cabin? Where was the supply bag? And... in a place that's been left there so long, just what rescue measures'd be installed!?”
What Subaru had seen in that place was an arcane room, and scattered evidence to support his bad premonitions about it. The points of convergence with Petra's description were excessively sparse. Most importantly, if Frederica or Rem were regularly touching it up, there was no explanation for the degraded tools. Subaru knew their workstyle as maids well enough to state such a thing with confidence.
Exiting the forest, a question arises wondering about the lack of a slope. The cabin is meant to be in the mountains, but was it built in a section without any sloping for 100 meters? Subaru loses sight of where he is, and up boils irritation that he had not perceived correctly in the first place.
The gaps between the trees opens and the environment becomes clear, Subaru sliding his momentum to a stop. Pavement, or what could be called such if a result of a hackdash job of it, proved the comings and goings of people, and most importantly the rows of houses visible from this distance displayed the fact that people lived here. Sighting this, Subaru's thoughts in the truest of meanings are bound immobile by shock. Because this scenery was—
Subaru: “S-SANCTUARY!?”
—The place he had bid farewell to half a day prior, and calculated would take an entire day to return to. He raises his right hand in accordance with his terror. Not enough fingers. Wounded. RETURN BY DEATH had not activated. So then why, was he standing in a place he should not be?
Subaru: “Why... here? Because, GATE CROSSING?”
It was the only answer. Beatrice had ejected Subaru from the mansion's Archive, sending him to a section of SANCTUARY through GATE CROSSING. But then, how did that happen?
Subaru: “Range doesn't matter... does it? No, I mean I've been transported far as from the mansion to a barn in the village before, but...”
Thinking about that in terms of distance, that was a level of transportation regardable as inside allowable range. But considering the distance between SANCTUARY and the mansion, such a long-distance transportation was, plainly said, out of the range of imagination and common sense.
Subaru: “Anyway! If I'm in SANCTUARY, then... Roswaal!!”
Subaru would dash back to that clown's side, and make him spit up everything he's planning. Roswaal treated Beatrice cordially. That warlock would surely know her background, and why she possessed a gospel. If he, knowing everything, tried to play around with an ignorant Subaru then that was fine. Subaru would bash in his face, burn him, shred him, bite out his throat and make him spit out everything.
Subaru in that instant, needing to kill himself, forgets his restrictions and runs. His thoughts colour with a pure red rage as he dashes to the village's edge. Sprints to the building where Roswaal sleeps. Transformed into an incarnation of wrath, Subaru runs fast and furious through SANCTUARY, his body forgetting any fatigue or pain, inviting himself as far as his destination. He kicks open the door, storms inside the house, bares his teeth,
Subaru: “Roswaal! Show yourself! Gotta whole lotta questions for you!”
He plunges forth with a threatening attitude liable to get him a scolding from the maid, speaking wildly and with venom. No reply comes from the room. Subaru approaches the bedroom, footsteps loud, and yanks open the final door,
Subaru: “No playing innocent and no lies. You'll spill everything you're hiding...” for me now, was how Subaru was going to continue, when he stops. Because the person he is aiming his condensed dissatisfaction towards is not in the room.
He's left, is the truth which only sends Subaru's brain seething with more rage. He slams the bed with a kick, the pain in his toenails further heightening his anger as he bounds out of the building. If he is here he will be at Lewes' house—maybe meeting with Emilia, otherwise with Lewes and Garfiel. Either way, getting active the second Subaru was out of the picture was some damn nerve. The timing was so good to provoke the suspicion of, perhaps his wounds weren't that serious and he was faking.
Start doubting and the spiral of negativity never ends. His mind propped on these emotions, Subaru glares over SANCTUARY with his gaze sharp—and again, too late, comprehension comes to him.
Subaru: “...huh?”
Early morning, as far as Subaru knows, is when the residents of SANCTUARY normally prepare their breakfasts and start their washing. The evacuees being gone means there is no need for the food rationing, but every household would still need to do their cooking. Should, but Subaru sees not a trace of this everyday activity. Or no, even before that,
Subaru: “It's not just Roswaal and Ram... where did everyone go?”
Look left, look right, but not a single person to be found. Thinking back on it, ever since exiting the forest and returning to SANCTUARY, Subaru could not recollect running into anyone along his path, and had no memory of sighting anyone. Even considering the fact that the populace of SANCTUARY is few in number, to dash straight through the middle of the village without seeing anyone was so improbable as to stand out.
Subaru: “Can't be...”
Shaking his head to shake away his bad premonition, Subaru knocks on the door of a nearby house. Knocks, but after confirming the lack of response opens the door, and peers inside. —Empty. Two beast-eared women, sisters, are supposed to live here.
Going as far as those he can remember, Subaru peers from house to house for the village's noticeable residents. Each time betrays his expectations and piles the growing despair further. Nobody is anywhere. All signs of people are gone from SANCTUARY.
Subaru: “Someone! Anyone here!? Where'd you go!?”
The bad premonitions compound. He remembers this panic, this arcane bereavement.
In his memories is his standoff with the Witch Cult, where he returned entirely late and unprepared to Arlam Village, meeting a scene of slaughter—piled corpses, expressions twisted in agony and despair. Familiar people with their faces devoid of colour, and a broken Petra never to move again.
Subaru: “—Aaaah!”
Terror runs up Subaru's back, the endless unease pushing him forth to run. A sound like a shriek slips from his mouth as he dashes for one single location. At the edge of the village, a notably good building. It demonstrated one of the few esteems owned by the head of SANCTUARY, presently being lent as one single girl's bed.
Subaru: “—Emilia!!”
Diving inside, screaming the dear girl's name, Subaru looks about the room. The silver-haired girl looks back at Subaru, her gaze sleepy, and after several blinks and an expression of surprise, “Good morning, Subaru,” she says, a smile lovely enough to pain the heart arising on her face—
—is what should happen, but the room is empty.
Subaru dashes to the beside, reaches out, touches the disorderly sheets. No warmth—whoever was sleeping here had already left some time ago. Confirming this alone, Subaru bounds out of the house, rushing for his final support. For the place where this situation, this absurdity, may possibly be explained to him.
Subaru: “Hauh... hauhh...”
Out of breath. He tastes blood in the back of his throat as he sprints again into SANCTUARY's depths, to the tomb where the WITCH OF GREED Echidna sleeps. He reaches the tomb without encountering en-route the obstacle of Garfiel. Was that a grace, or would having seen a familiar face—even if the one of an obstacle—been a blessing?
Subaru: “No... How could I dare...”
How could the person who failed to save his sister dare show his face? The relief Subaru feels at his absence, despite his unbearable panic that he cannot find anyone, and his failure to reflect on this weakness is horrifically disgusting, sickening.
Discarding his sentimentality with a shake of his head, Subaru heads for the tomb before anything can interfere. The TRIAL would not be active presently, but perhaps some action would come from the witch's side. Anticipating such, clinging to such, Subaru seeks the visage of the witch who might give answers to his questions—
Subaru: “—kka, hu,”
—The moment he steps inside, Subaru feels the sensation of something having passed through his body. He slowly looks down. Beneath his breast, above his stomach, in the exact centre of his torso— gapes a wide, fist-sized hole.
Subaru: “Hhu... ee?”
Hand reaches out, contacts the hole. A rush of blood spills over. His palm immediately plugs it, but his pierced back also gapes open. Unable to stop both, his already anaemic body fails to maintain its posture, collapsing.
—No pain. No understanding. What happened.
Death. Dying. He was dying. Death, what he knew was here before him. Why, how come, here? Elsa? Chased him this far? The distance between mansion and SANCTUARY. Beatrice, not possibly? Gospel. She—why? Rem. Who would. Dying. Scared. Something. Someone. Emilia. Witch. Witch. Wi—
Subaru: “——a,”
His vision hazes. The end approaches. His anticipated death visits in an unanticipated form. Subaru feels no relief at finally dying. For now all it was, was he was scared of death. Even saying he resolved to die, when death visits from a different path than prepared, this was the result. Heart in disarray, shrieking with wretched craving for life, rejecting the flaying of his soul from the world—DEATH regardless consumes Subaru slowly.
Subaru: “—so, weak,”
The powerlessness of his useless self washes down his cheeks, Subaru's heartbeat stopping. His face twists in anguish and terror at acquiring his desired death in undesired format, and with the piteousness of this death unanimously unquestionable,
Crunch, and chew.
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