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CHAPTER 44: VERBOTEN 

—His body reconstructs on him. 

His devoured flesh, peeled skin, gnawed bones, ingested nerves, slurped blood, soul ravaged by the peak of cravings—returns to its original form. 

Sensation transmits to his fingertips, they being the starting point for the shuddery convulsions that rock his whole body. Groaning and writhing on the hard, cold, dusty ground, white froth bubbles from Subaru's lips. No pain. No loss. Four limbs connected to his torso. Neither his head nor its insides bear any physical damage. His thoughts are still fuzzy in the midst of waking, but that's assured to clear in merely a few seconds. Nevertheless, Subaru's flesh and mind approved not of resuscitating into this reality he returned. The happenings prior that return were just that horrific. 

Could anyone say they had experienced encroachment into their body through their mouth, and all their guts being shredded from inside? A competition to strip off their skin, bloody muscle exposed beneath, rough tongues shaving away at their pinkish fats? His brain had rejected the pain of feeling, disengaging to the point he could objectively recognize his BEING EATEN as if it were happening to someone else, a waking nightmare. 

Subaru: “Bbh, bhbb, bbbbb...” 

The nausea rushes up, but all that spews from his dry stomach is yellowy acid. Sourness mixes with the overflowing froth, Subaru still on his side and convulsing yet. Like a man having a seizure or a fish caught on land, Subaru's rejection of reality comes not from a selection by his will, but by his soul. Who could accede to their being eaten apart? Who could fault Subaru, comprehending the truth of his eating and returning as such, for his abnormality here? 

By what karma, by whose plot, did he have to had met that fate? 

Subaru: “—” 

His consciousness strobes. Where his eyes open or not? No control of his body was returning to him. His soul was rejecting living in reality. Far from his soul allowing him to pick consciousness, it wasn't even presenting him the choice. 

—Why. 

Were there any definite words in Subaru's mind, it would be merely that one. 

—Why? 

What happened? What occurred? Why did that happen? Why did that have to happen? What was happening to him now? Why did something have to be happening to him now? What should he do now? 

—Why, why, why, why, why? 

Presented with a problem lacking answer, the question itself unsteady, his soul merely shrieks. 

—Why! Why! Why! 

Continuously throwing out a question lacking answer, a form unsightly in how poor it was at surrender. Drowning in reality, tormented by nightmare, the way to living lost, a form inquiring WHY. That was precisely— 

???: <You've again acquired the qualifications.> 

A voice whispers at the ear of the trembling Subaru. A voice high, and upbeat. A voice that even if Subaru hear presently, he will not decode the meaning. But regardless the voice reverberates even to Subaru's interior, as— 

???: <You are invited—to the witch's tea party.> 

Subaru's just-returned consciousness again forfeits from reality. 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ 

A fresh wind reminiscent of summer blows across a hillock of verdant green grass. 

The breeze tousles Subaru's bangs, sways the tall green grass, passes over the hill, through the field, and into the blue sky where white clouds dance. Touching his fingers to his tickled bangs, Subaru squints at the dazzling sunlight, slowly lowering his gaze to look ahead of him. Before he knows it, he's seated in something similar to an easy chair. Sitting across the little white table from him, legs crossed with hair white and dress sable, is a girl—or no, that phrase might not quite be proper. 

Subaru: “Since she's a Mighty Witch gone four-fucking-hundred years static.” 

Witch: “Well isn't that just something to be saying to a girl. Though with my case, I died when I was nineteen, so my looks should be of a young girl matching to you.” 

Subaru: “Died when I was nineteen's seriously sobering. Also don't come to sit next to me off some weird ideas. Matching to me. I'm gonna snort laughing how stupid that is.” 

Witch: “Oop, well my gosh... Have I been dumped?” 

Subaru: “No, I'm saying you're not that cheap. I know I'm the lowest class of bastard you can get. Terms like 'matching' or 'balanced' aren't the other person coming down, they're pulling me up. I haven't acquired anything suitable for that yet.” 

Clenching and unclenching his fists on his knees, Subaru looks up at the sky, expression malcontent. The witch—Echidna—rests her elbow on the table and her cheek in her hand, surveying Subaru up to down with her gaze. 

Echidna: “You sure don't think very highly of yourself.” 

Subaru: “When the people around you are big you get a habit of bending your head back while talking. Thought the ungainliness of not even noticing I was looking up was something I'd gotten past, but.” 

Subaru clenches his fist, knuckles clicking. He takes a long, deep breath. 

Subaru: “So... what's the occasion for the tea party invite?” 

Echidna: “Nothing complicated. I'm WITCH OF GREED and thirst for knowledge incarnate. Desiring, wanting hearts are things of pleasure to me, and should there be wants to know or lamenting inquiries of 'why,' then perfect.” 

Echidna brings one of the white cups on the table to her mouth. She drinks down the contents, smiling. 

Echidna: “If made to say, your actions of wishing such while somewhere easily communicable with my castle'd be the cause, is how I'd like you to see it.” 

Subaru: “Stop being convoluted.” ...something seomthing well anyway for now at least I won't complain about being called here. “More importantly, there's something I want to ask.” 

Subaru leans forward. 

Subaru: “What happened to me?” 

Echidna: “You don't understand that yourself?” 

Subaru: “Understanding and comprehending are different. I think I get objectively what the situation was, but that understanding isn't connecting to my current condition.” 

Echidna: “Meaning?” 

Subaru: “I was insane drowning on land spouting bubbles, and now here I'm presentable and my head's working enough to at least hold a conversation. It's natural to think you had some hand in this.” 

Subaru thinks like nuts to understand the present situation. It's fact that being invited to Echidna's tea party-aka-dream world has birthed enough reserves in his heart to let him think. And exactly because he can think now, Subaru knows his body before he got summoned here was in dangerous condition. He's left behind his body which experienced some symptoms of shock, feeling some unease about only his mind being here. 

Subaru: “Last time when I woke up from participating in your tea party I was in bed, so I don't really know, but what's happening with the passage of time? Or, in the first place is the world outside...” 

Thinking that far, Subaru realises this isn't the time to be calmed down drinking some tea. 

—Convulsing-from-shock Subaru hadn't confirmed when his RETURN BY DEATH had returned him to. 

Heck he hadn't even confirmed where he'd returned to. The chair clatters as he stand up. 

Subaru: “Echidna! Let me out of here right now!” 

Echidna: “Leaving a witch's tea party without taking a single sip really is something incredible. You know, you best stop and consider just what exactly it is that's sitting here in front of—” 

Subaru: “I don't have time to talk with you! Let me outside now! While we're doing this the outside's...” 

Echidna: “You failed before by taking nothing, and now you're going to leave here empty-handed again... do you maybe want to repeat the same loss and pain?” 

Subaru raises his voice at Echidna. Almost as if cooling him with water, Echidna asks her question in a voice with emotions frozen. 

Subaru: “...au,” 

Echidna: “Making challenges to procure results, is an action I commend. I believe that there's beauty in the method of producing results, be they desired or undesired, through trial and error. And I feel that doing that challenging without losing heart is something of great value and esteem. However,” 

Echidna raises a finger at the silenced Subaru, her eyes narrowing. 

Echidna: “Following the same path without reflecting on the previous results, to arrive at those same results... that sort of blasphemy on the accumulation of knowledge, and that sort of blasphemer, would be someone I'd scorn and want to divorce.” 

Subaru: “You...” 

Echidna: “Incidentally, to answer your question... the present time outside is just after you overcame the tomb's first TRIAL. Fortunately, the flow of time outside differs from in here. I'm sure you won't be losing so much time just in having a cup of tea with me.” 

Echidna checks off the things Subaru wanted to know and could cause him concern one by one. The respawn point hasn't changed, which means currently he should be beside Emilia midway through her TRIAL. It's not that he's gulping down Echidna's saying wholesale, but having a third party tell him this does relieve his panic. 

Subaru: “Echidna... How much do you know?” 


Echidna: “If you mean knowing, then only as much as I know. If you mean want to know, then well I'd say I want to know everything in this world.” 

Subaru: “Stop pissing around, this is important. Like... right, you just said this is right after the first TRIAL, but...” 

The first TRIAL—certainly feels distant. He parted with his parents, found Echidna in the empty school building, had a short QA session, and returned to reality. Too much stuff to even describe happened between then and now, but, Subaru: “Ignoring that, that means this reunion's happening immediately after we parted...” 

Echidna: “Yup. It's a given in real time, but even in unbalanced personal time, the length since our parting was short. It only took us a couple minutes before seeing each other again.” 

Just how much are you yearning for me? Is the kind of joke in Echidna's statement as she laughs. The joke washes off Subaru, expressionless. Echidna gives a disappointed shrug. 

Echidna: “Seems you won't give me the reactions I want. Not getting what I expect has some frustration, some happiness too, a complex feeling to it.” 

Subaru: “I'll give your complicated feminine heart a good lazy date when I have the time for it. Anyway...” 

Echidna: “I do want to congratulate our quick reunion, and I think my mouth's gotten better at slipping. Well, maybe it was inevitable my feelings went off somewhere unexpected. After all,” 

Echidna cuts off. Taking a quick spell, her black eyes glance sidelong at Subaru. For one instant, Subaru fails to grasp just what emotion was in that glimpse. But, Echidna welcomes Subaru's confusion with a beautiful, lovely smile. 

Echidna: “Unlike me who parted a couple minutes ago with you, from your perspective this reunion comes with hours—no, days—inbetween.” 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ 

Repeating Echidna's words in his head, Subaru can come to only one conclusion. 

Between her speaking, her meaningful look and smile, there is no way he could be wrong. She—the witch knew. She knew the leftovers of futures, supposedly left over nowhere in the world, that Subaru's soul had accumulated. 

Subaru: “How!?” 

Echidna: “Here's how I'll answer that question. Because this is my castle, and I'm the WITCH OF GREED. I suppose I haven't shown you it yet.” 

Echidna tilts her head and sticks out her right hand. Light gathers above her palm, eventually taking form—producing a single, pure-white tome. It has no title or anything else written on it, and is about as big as a dictionary. Ignoring that it's white enough to pain the eyes, the thing brings back nothing but bad memories for Subaru. 

Subaru: “That couldn't... isn't a GOSPEL, right?” 

Echidna: “Oop, I wouldn't have to rely on this book, with how much your expression's telling me what you're thinking. It's an expression of 'YOU TOO, HUH?'. You could probably make several guesses on what experiences you've had outside on that alone, but...” 

Echidna opens the book and gives it a read, nodding along as she follows the text. 

Echidna: “Mmhmmhm,” 

Echidna: “I see, I understand the gist. There's some parts I can't follow completely, but it'll be fine compensating those by reading you. ...Mm, incredibly fine. There's this sensation of filling in the missing pieces, and indescribable anticipation of approaching the answer. Exactly because this exists, is there indeed meaning in living!” 

Subaru: “...you're dead though.” 

Says Subaru, making a jab at a fired-up Echidna. Echidna fiddles with her hair, sulking. 

Echidna: “Even when it's true, raining on parades like that does kill motivation. Anyway, let's ease your worries. ...This book is different from the GOSPELS or whatsits in your memory. What it writes isn't the future or the optimum solution. Only truth.” 

Subaru: “Truth?” 

Echidna: “If you could consider the GOSPELS an assembling of prophecies, then maybe you should call this one I have a history text. Not limited to the shape of a book, vast in its vagueness and ambiguity, not any book at all, indeed in all a book, of any book potential to be, of any book potentially being... this whose white pages write merely the truth was 400 years ago called the BOOK OF WISDOM. But, here's what I call it.” 

Subaru goes silent. 

Echidna: “—the Memories of the World.” 

If this incredible appellation is accurate, any reader of this book could figure out any thing about any topic, so long as the event described occurred in the past. For purposes of gathering information indeed this is a stupid fucking crazy cheat. 

Echidna: “Though, I don't really like relying on it. After all, the information burns directly into the reader's memory. This grimorie flies past the process of WILL KNOW, overwriting it as HAVE KNOWN. —As far as my inquisitive self is concerned, judging the value of a book which flies past the process of knowing is certainly difficult.” 

Subaru: “You can always give it to me if you don't need it. There's plenty of ways I could use it. Actually, if I had that then finding starts to solving problems'd...” 

Echidna: “You better stop there unless you want to be a cripple.” 

Echidna sticks the MEMORIES OF THE WORLD in Subaru's face. 

Echidna: “Even if it looks harmless, it's still a witch's tool. The load of information it burns into the reader's brain is too much for an ordinary person to compute. Not reading it is safe.” 

Subaru: “Then don't shove it in people's faces, that's horrifying!” 

Subaru shoves the grimorie away, Echidna gives another wave of her hand and it transforms into particles of light. Knowing about this thing, Subaru comprehends Echidna's information load. With this grimorie, you can indeed decrease the number of THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW down to the absolute minimum. That Echidna doesn't choose to do this might just be due to thinking particular  to witches. 

Subaru: “But, knowing about that does make things quick. Echidna. My circumstances... where I Re...” 

RETURN BY DEATH, is what he's about to say, when his throat freezes. But this isn't due to the penalty that occurs when he attempts to say the forbidden words. Echidna waits quietly, hair swaying in the wind, for Subaru to continue. 

The more he feels that behaviour isn't very witchly, and is rather considerate, the quicker his pulse pounds and more leaden his tongue gets. 

What's freezing Subaru's voice is one of the primal emotions—terror. 

Subaru: “Haaa... haa...” 

Subaru has had several opportunities to speak the verboten words before. Dwelling in Subaru was the authority RETURN BY DEATH. Although difficult to judge whether calling that an authority was acceptable, Subaru's attempts to tell others about its circumstances would be forcibly hindered. By way of unwithstandable pain directly to the heart. And its fangs had once struck not upon Subaru, but Emilia. Subaru would never forget the bereavement and grief from back then. 

There were very few occasions he had wanted to die and disappear as much as then. 

It's not that he's scared of the pain to his heart. Though of course pain is scary. But if that was a necessary damage for the sake of reeling in the desired future, he would talk his throat hoarse and bear it. What's Subaru's scared of is that those black fingers will aim not at him, but perhaps at someone else. 

It won't, thinks Subaru, shaking his head. During the fight with the White Whale, and during the fight with Betelgeuse, Subaru had voiced the forbidden words while other people were around. He had been dragged into absurdity, his attempt to reveal the truth interrupted, and then been tossed out of the time-stopped world. So he had never been asked about it. The black witch's hands had never made a sacrifice of anyone who sought the continuation of those words. 

—Except Emilia. 

The memory comes back of the silver-haired girl in his arms, considerably lighter. If he was going to experience that feeling of loss again, it would this time for sure be unbearable. 

He was impressed he hadn't gone insane. Not going insane after killing Emilia and walking around holding her corpse was quite the impressive thing. 

That's how sinful it was. That's how terrifying it was. 

Thus terror grips Subaru, and makes him hesitate to speak. Before him is the witch, Echidna. Compared to Emilia, his relationship with her is ludicrously shallow. Were Echidna's heart crushed, Subaru would likely not experience as much despair or  bereavement as he had back then—was his horrifically mercenary prediction. 

That Subaru regardless doesn't move is due to the conditions this time being excessively different, and his unease for the unpredictable result is strong. 

When speaking to people ignorant of RETURN BY DEATH, the forbidden words inflicted pain on Subaru's heart. When he attempted to reveal the truth of RETURN BY DEATH to someone important to him, the forbidden words crushed the heart of said precious someone. 

So what would happen if Subaru attempted to reveal the truth to somebody who had figured out RETURN BY DEATH by different means? Would the suffering end only with Subaru, or would the witch's hand aim for the being before him as well? 

Echidna: “You should try it.” 

Subaru: “—!?” 

Echidna: “Action is priceless for procuring the desired result. I'm not going to change from that stance. It's exactly in those actions and proceeds that I believe there's value in living.” 

The result of Subaru's indecision. Otherwise she isn't aware the damage could target her. —No, she definitely did. 

The witch had most likely seen through what Subaru was worrying about. And she also knew that the outcome of trying was unclear. That she nevertheless voiced those words was because she believed what she said entirely. 

Subaru: “You might not get time to regret it.” 

Echidna: “I'll expect you to break down crying beside my corpse for me.” 

Says Echidna cheerily. Probably, her attitude is her consideration to stop any superfluous circumstances from getting in the way of Subaru's decision. 

Subaru figures her sincerity's more for gaining results through the decision, than for compassion toward Subaru himself. 

She wasn't expecting of him and wasn't asking of him. She pushes Subaru's back along while only desiring simple possibility—the possibility of an answer. 

She lives in a way that possesses not a scrap a doubt for her raison d'etre. He knows it's not possible to live on that, but he regardless feels saved by that strength. 

Subaru: “Echidna. I've RETURNED BY DEATH—” 

He voices the forbidden words— And that instant, the world— 





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