CHAPTER 65: PASSION IN THE SNOW
Dragged along to the tomb, and in vicinity of its entryway Subaru is hurled to the ground. Perhaps call it snow, perhaps call it frost, Subaru spits out the sherbety crap having entered his mouth. Mistaking the pain of his exposed skin for numbness, he looks back behind him.
Subaru: “You've sure got.. some rough treatment going here.”
Garfiel: “I ain't clever enough t'be considerate. Y'sh'd be happy still that yer gettin' th's rough treatment. 'Less yer sayin yer want this girl t'be gettin' it?”
As he looks down at the collapsed Subaru and breathes with white puffs, Garfiel presents the Rem in his arms for show. A hostage—may not be how Garfiel conceives it, but regardless he has unmistakably acquired resources for coercing Subaru.
Subaru: “Don't you do anything funny... with Rem.”
Garfiel: “So long's yer thinkin' t'follow my demands, I won't.”
Says Subaru quietly as he touches his hand to the ground and its blanketing of falling snow. He strains his numb arms to somehow push himself up to his feet. Standing right beside and looking vacantly at him is the Lewes double, who had carried him here. She looks scruffy as always in her garb of rags. In this cold Subaru feels it far too shabby a cover.
Subaru: “Can we do something about their clothes? ...She looks so cold, I can't keep watching.”
Garfiel: “Y'know what th'y are, yeh? They don't come with any sense'a cold in 'em in th'first place. If yer gonna be buyin' time, we got no reason t'talk.”
Subaru: “Stop with the skepticism. I don't think any time-buying is going to make this situation turn better, either.”
With his vision stuck in a near-blizzard and Garfiel's warning at his back, Subaru turns to face the tomb. The ancient stone structure dimly rises from the world of white. Even amid with this raging phenomenon of nature Echidna's tomb remains calm, eerily waiting with its mouth open wide for its next challenger. Emilia, supposedly, is inside.
Subaru: “How long has it been since Emilia went in?”
Garfiel: “'Since night 'a day before last, so comin' up t'two days now. Though talkin' honest, so long as she ain't dead I couldn't give a crap.”
Subaru: “From your position, I'm sure that's right. ...You couldn't go in and pull her out yourself?”
Garfiel: “I can't go in th'tomb. There's a contract.”3
That convincing line expressed the entirety of Garfiel's position. Subaru couldn't tell how much about this the residents of SANCTUARY knew, but Garfiel had indeed ventured inside the tomb before. There he met Echidna, acquired the right to be Apostle of Greed, and gained qualification over the Lewes doubles' command right. That said Subaru didn't know why Garfiel was hiding this, and hindering SANCTUARY's release.
Subaru: “If I go in and ask Echidna... might find out.”
Garfiel: “Stop it with yer mumblin'. I told you t'get in there. Pull the half-witch out, and get her to end this snow. Don't, and I'll be havin' t'do somethin' my amazin' self ain't wantin' ter.”
Garfiel easily hoists Rem up as his cheeks pitch upwards. The smile doesn't suit him, but Subaru knows he is fully capable of actualizing his threat. Regardless what his sincere views on it are, if it's to protect SANCTUARY, he will likely have no difficulty in turning his claws on one, two girls who look like his crush.
Subaru: “Don't do anything to Rem. —That's my condition.”
Garfiel: “...Just go.”
Subaru begins his course for the tomb, Garfiel staring intently at him from behind. He doesn't know Garfiel's real motive. Which is when Subaru remembers that he has forgotten to convey something.
Subaru had lapsed on telling Frederica's younger brother, Garfiel, of her death. All he could figure was that the cold, the anger, had driven his head funny.
Was he sane right now? If he was sane, then how? Petra died, the Frederica he doubted was innocent, he returns to SANCTUARY and to find this. His relations with Garfiel were at their worst, and he had no means of knowing whether the other players in SANCTUARY were safe.
In circumstances this prolonged and horrid, how could he be sane? He musn't stop thinking. He musn't give up. He had to look forward, look upward, and to grasp the future worthy of grasping, pile up more and more of what could be piled up. If he didn't, then why, did Subaru—
Subaru: “—”
Subaru's footsteps peal in faltering rhythm off the dry floor of the tomb. Unlike the outside, the tomb's interior suffers barely any effect from the raging cold. Complete liberation from the chill—would be a mistake of description—but realistically its effect in this place on Subaru is slim. By Subaru stepping into the tomb, its functions to welcome the qualified activate, the dim lamps of the then-dark structure catching alight.
3 Double meaning. Simultaneously, 'I've made an agreement not to.'
The hazy lights lined along the walls invite Subaru into the depths. In accordance to them, and with the clunky gait of his blood near freezing, Subaru works his limbs to conquer the tomb. At the end of this prolonged corridor is a single, open room.
The site of the first trial—the TRIAL which faced one with their past. Having reached this location,
???: “—Subaru?”
The silver bell he longed for welcomes Subaru tenderly.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
In the darkness, Subaru fixes his gaze on the silhouette before him. His vision start adapting to the dusky tomb, and once that long silver hair and those enrapturing amethyst eyes burst into his sight, Subaru cannot prevent himself from calling her name.
Subaru: “Emilia.”
Emilia: “Yes. You're right, Subaru. ...It's me.”
Putting those short four syllables to sound, and then getting a reply, Subaru could about collapse. Exaggerating it, he thinks—but the unassailable emotions are there.
Dolor, languor, fatigue. Etcetera. The feelings slamming Subaru had been many, but by making Emilia's presence, the sentiments he had pulled taut and kept from consciousness now lead his knees to falter.
Subaru pitches forward near falling—when the outstretched arms catch him. Soft, warm. Immediately in his view as he looks up is a beautiful ivory visage, looking back at him. Subaru forgets the entire situation as his breathing catches in shock. Emilia, just now, had caught him gently in her hold.
Subaru: “Ss, war, sorr... lost, my strength...”
Emilia: “It's ok. It's not like I'd think you were purposefully trying for it. And even if you were trying, I would've probably anyway caught you like this.”
Speaking over Subaru's explanation, Emilia blocks his route of escape. Since she gives not any chastisement but in fact a kind assist, Subaru gives a deep sigh of relief— and immediately notices that Emilia's condition is off.
Emilia is being no different from usual. Kind, gentle, a dash of airheadedness, overflowing with compassion, cute, even her somewhat childish aspects another point of allure—no different from usual, at all.
The ordinary for this Emilia was the same ordinary as when she leisurely passes her time in Roswaal's mansion. This was not the ordinary for an Emilia who had failed to conquer the TRIAL and been cornered by her feelings of duty.
Subaru: “E-Emilia... when I was away, um...” —Was there something that happened to change your mood? Intending to ask that question, Subaru chooses his words.
But before they can come from his mouth, Emilia: “—I was lonely.” Subaru: “...Huh?” Not catching Emilia's murmur clearly, Subaru furrows his brows.
Should he raise his head, he would find that silver countenance directly at his side. Her eyes stare at him from range close enough to feel her breath, Subaru straining his attention to assuredly catch every single word this time. Looking Subaru straight in the eye, Emilia,
Emilia: “I was lonely, Subaru. —I mean, you left me behind.” Subaru: “Au... no, that... you're wrong. Abandoning you, or whatever wasn't what I...” Emilia says nothing. Subaru: “I'm sure I said this in the letter too, but... there's something I had to do. And so for just a little while, we can't be together. I am so sorry for making you feel lonely, Emilia. I made you feel like that, but I that thing I had to do, I wasn't even able to do properly, and...”
Emilia: “Heehee.” Subaru piles up the excuses as Emilia's eyes gaze at him. But before he can conclude his excuse, Emilia slips a laugh. All Subaru can do at that reaction is stare.
While he was talking, and during such a strained situation, Emilia laughed? What was there to laugh about here? And even before that, Emilia isn't supposed to be a girl whose personality would allow her to choose that reaction.
Emilia: “Nooo need to explain so hard, I won't be angry. Subaru, silly, your face's so pale... hehee.” Subaru: “E-Emilia...?” Emilia: “I said it's all ok, Subaru. You left me a letter, and you wrote so much, so much, sooo much in it all for me. I was lonely, and I did think about crying... but, with all the times I read that letter...”
Emilia's smile deepens. In that enchanting, lovable smile is a sweet whisper near clutching Subaru's heart. Learning that Emilia had valued his letter, and had even used it as a mental support, could almost make Subaru's heart soar with fiery passion.
But putting the reins on that torrent of passion threatening to drown his consciousness, Subaru inevitably feels a foreboding about the irregularities bubbling up from Emilia. Something was off. Something was strange. This awriness had proceeded to here without a single improvement.
Off, something was. Awry. Even though, Emilia was being this adorable. Even though Emilia was being this adorable, and answering to Subaru.
Subaru: “Emilia... what happened with the TRIAL?”
Emilia: “Trial...”
Subaru: “That's right, the TRIAL. That's why you're in here, yeah? Making you go in alone must've been so painful for you and I am sorry. I wanna apologize for that, and I wanna know what happened. Really, it couldn't bother me in the least whether it was a failure, but being that you're here now...”
Emilia: “Failure, yes, a failure. I can't overcome the first TRIAL, my past. And all this when you were expecting from me, and worried about me, I'm sorry.”
Subaru: “Ah...”
Subaru regrets the husky noise which slips from his throat. Emilia might have perceived that sound as being disappointment. If so, then that would immediately betray his recent statement of 'Don't worry about it'. That panic dashes wild through Subaru—when, a smooth touch makes contact with his head. Emilia. Had just stuck her fingers into Subaru's hair. And was patting his head.
Subaru's eyes flit about in shock, uncomprehending of her intentions. Emilia grins at his surprise, her cheeks dying with red.
Emilia: “Subaru, don't you sometimes want to touch my hair? Well I was thinking, sometimes I also want to do things like this to you. Heehee, Subaru, sooo many openings.”
Subaru: “Emi, lia?”
Emilia: “I thought, what if it went on, what if it went on that you abandoned me, and you were always going to be gone, what would I do... I thought about it so, soo, sooo much. I thought that would be sooo scary. And so, when you came back to me, I was happy.”
She had only just stated that she had failed the TRIAL, but the only thing Emilia's eyes are seeing is
Subaru. Those fiery eyes, those watery eyes, gazing at Subaru. And how Subaru had longed for this day to come. How he had yearned for her to call his name with that fire, for her to gaze at him passionately with those teary eyes.
To relish this instant, this passion, was what everything had been for. Which was why—
Emilia: “Subaru. Why don't we be together forever? Be with me. Darling if I could only have you, then, there's nothing I would ever need any more—”
—He had never imagined that the day Emilia blindly sang her love for him would terrify him this much.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Subaru still in her arms, Emilia speaks and speaks with fever.
Emilia: “Subaru when, I first heard that you were gone, it was sooo painful. It scared me. I mean, I, couldn't do it right at all. ...And so, I wondered if you were fed up with me. When I thought that, it frightened me and scared me, my body wouldn't stop shaking...”
Subaru: “—”
Emilia: “But, I saw there was a letter, and of course I knew it was your handwriting, and my fear settled all down. You're amazing Subaru. I thought it was so scary, and you blasted that feeling away for me... mm, and then I thought, I really am always being saved by Subaru.”
Subaru: “—”
Emilia: “And what the letter said, made me happy too. You wrote lots and lots for me so I wouldn't be worried. It took you sooo much time. And that you were using your time for me, and during that, must have been thinking and thinking and thinking about me, also made me happy.”
Subaru: “—”
Emilia: “And lots of times in the letter, Subaru, you said that you—LIKE—me. Back when you told me that in the carriage too, I was sooo happy, I cried... but still when I read the letter, I almost cried again. That's how big the thing you're giving me is... is the thought I had. And then I noticed.”
Subaru: “—”
Emilia: “And so when I saw that you came back to me, I couldn't stop it any more. In my chest, in the deepest part, there's a little me who's calling your name, Subaru. And so, I wanted to reach out like this, touch you, so much...”
Subaru: “—” Emilia: “Subaru. I'm sorry for up to now. I've always been doing something awful. This is how you felt about me, and I always made you have to cope. That that was something sooo awful of me, right now, I sort of understand.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “Feeling like this, but still having to cope, was really painful for you. You were coping, and
I was being so selfish. I was supposed... to want to think about you, to understand you, but I didn't understand you at all.”
Subaru: “—” Emilia: “But, not any more. Now I'm always thinking about you, Subaru. Always thinking of you. And the same way you said you... like me, how you think that about me... now I might, also... want to think like that, about you, maybe.”
Subaru: “—”
Emilia: “Orr I mean, I'm sorry. That was unfair of me. You might've been scared, and not known what I'd think, but Subaru, you told me clearly.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “And so, me too, I'll say it clearly. —I will state.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “Subaru. I, like you. And, I love you. I want to be with you, thinking about you, only about you, always with you.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “If you could think the same, about me... I'd be happy... yeah.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “Eheheh. Mm, mhm... I like you. Subaru... love you.”
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