CHAPTER 68: TASTE OF DEATH
—Through a world where everything appears twisted, Subaru frantically runs.
Subaru: “—”
He wasn't sane. He wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane wasn't sane.
In his head, those words repeat and repeat and repeat. What appears beneath his eyelids as the words replay is the sight of Roswaal's end, felled by the fangs of the Hare. No resistance, accepting his death so easily, without crying out in pain even once at his shredding flesh, Roswaal allowed his own existence to end.
—Aberrant. How could this not be called aberrant, and insanity?
If his goal could be achieved in an alternate world, then he was unbothered by his death. Were this a video game, Subaru might have given the player character's death the same significance. But, it was reality. How was it remotely possible, in reality, to entrust your life to a different you?
Roswaal had died to the hares. And his consciousness would not return to the world Subaru would reach by RETURNING BY DEATH. Him staking his wishes on RETURN BY DEATH may be the same as Subaru, but the weight of the levy to get there was overwhelmingly disparate between the two. Because unlike Subaru, Roswaal could not reclaim the cost.
Subaru: “—eu, gkh,”
He recalls Roswaal's horrendous death as he runs, the nausea plaguing him. Bile churns, his throat burns with acid. He runs so desperately that even time spent vomiting is a loss, wandering SANCTUARY in hope of survivors.
—Hell was once again unfolding before Subaru.
The snowing has stopped, but nevertheless howling winds whip through Sanctuary. Subaru grimaces at the skin-shearing cold as he gazes about the surroundings, to hear animal wails from all around, near drowned under the wind.
Grinding, grinding, grinding go the serrated teeth, the whole of SANCTUARY besieged alongside their cries of threat to their victims.
The Sizeable Hare ventures around SANCTUARY in search of prey. Just how incredible was the hunger, the famine that assaulted them? Should they sight no prey, and as if finding the time their teeth spent inactive unbearable, they would stave their starvation by eating their neighbouring compatriots. A genuine, abominable monster. Hearing the grating noise of gnawing teeth, and the twin cannibalistic wails of death and ecstasy, eats bit by bit by bit away at Subaru's sanity.
Subaru: “—Uawauh!”
Subaru shakes his head to dispel the awful noise, when a hare with jaws open passes over his head. Tooth and tooth click together wickedly. Having failed to catch prey, the hare pivots around with a threatening cry. Immediately, a Lewes double running alongside Subaru slams her heel into the hare's torso, crushing it. Meat tears and bones rupture, the hare puking its small body's innards out its mouth, dead.
Exhaling, paying the corpse no mind, Subaru resumes his sprint. The Lewes double also gets her feet moving to run alongside Subaru. Behind them, a short distance away, other hares arrive at the corpse of the crushed. Hearing the noise of the dead body consumed, the bells of ruin inside Subaru ring louder.
Six Lewes doubles remain with Subaru. Those eleven who had been present after Roswaal died to the hare had had their numbers reduced by half. Ordered to PROTECT SUBARU, they would counter-attack the incoming hares or otherwise intercept to shield him, returning to mana.
On the topic of ordering the doubles to risk their lives, Subaru's thoughts presently had nothing. Right now all that played on his mind was the safety of Rem at the cathedral, and the presence of Emilia in the tomb, all other topics abandoned somewhere beyond his considerations. That seemed the only way he could either affirm his current conduct, and protect his mind.
Subaru: “The, cathedral's!”
As the snow submerges his steps, as he skirts the hare-infested roads, Subaru takes a huge detour around SANCTUARY to reach the village centre and the cathedral. In a town devoid any light source, Subaru immediately spots the cathedral. Of course he would.
—Since amid this world of white, only the cathedral is enveloped in pure-red fire.
Subaru: “—Wh, y?”
Falling to his knees in the snow, Subaru mutters in a hoarse daze. The crackling of the spreading blaze mingles the sound of snapping wood, Subaru even seeing hares jumping into the flame like moths with intention to eat the prey inside, burning to nothing.
That they are so desperate to enter the cathedral means something to sate their hunger is inside. And that those remain inside the flames, would mean that.
Subaru: “—”
Viewing survival as hopeless, and rather than ending eaten by the hare choosing suicide, is a feeling Subaru isn't incapable of understanding. Isn't incapable, but...
Subaru: “Even so, resisting to the end...”
Fighting, going to the very very end without giving up on living, is what I wanted of you, would be quite the unfeeling words.
Both Roswaal and the people of SANCTUARY had been treating their lives with excessive neglect. He himself had received that same criticism, thinking his thoughts reasonable—and forgotten the fact. Subaru covers his face, spilling tears.
Neither Roswaal nor Subaru were, for the citizens of the despair-entrenched SANCTUARY or the Arlam evacuees, presences who inspired will to resist until the absolute end while awaiting rescue. Had Subaru built up the trust, they surely would have fought until the very end without abandoning life. —Once again was everything on Subaru's responsibility, and Subaru's wrongdoing.
Subaru: “But, has Rem alone...” been saved? thinks Subaru, putting serial order on the value of life in an act of considerable hubris and pride. Mentally, Subaru calls out to the double he had instructed to take Rem to the Cathedral—the main Lewes. But, he finds no conspicuous reaction suggesting that she heard it.
—Rem was inside that cathedral fire. Even saying hypothetically that they escaped, the thought that Lewes could singlehandedly evade the Hare while protecting Rem was not one Subaru's brain was overoptimistic enough to have.
He bites on his molars hard. Tastes blood. Biting on the taste of blood, biting in the rising bitterness, on his decision does Subaru bite down. —He should have understood fully that this world was already done for, yet with repeated failures to forsake it, he had wound up here. Now should be, truly, about time to give up.
Subaru: “—”
He knows the famished monster is approaching. The hares, who had abandoned the prospect of devouring any prey in the burnt cathedral, had noticed the presence of kneeling Subaru and the Lewes doubles surrounding him.
Standing up, brushing off the snow, Subaru gives a deep exhale. He does not notice the feeling of the tears on his cheeks. So, he does not wipe them away.
Subaru: “Emilia...”
This world was ending.
Even saying it hadn't ended, Subaru would make it end.
The people he wished to be with, to spend time with, none of which he had saved in this world—for the end, he would at least like to be at the dear girl's side.
Subaru: “Risk yourselves, protect me. —Once we reach the tomb, do whatever you want.”
Reports Subaru emotionlessly to the remaining six doubles, taking one step to flee from the mob of enclosing hares, another step—and running. Sensing their prey's intention to escape, the hares raise a voiceless cry as slobbering they follow Subaru's snowy footprints.
Lewes: “—”
Two Lewes doubles strike right at the moment of the hurtling hares' launch. The sound of death wails and crushed flesh echoes, ending with further numbers of hares swarming the doubles. An instant has the two cloaked entirely in white fur, and the fallen doubles—sustain fatal wounds, their small bodies transforming into a torrent of blueish light.
Their final attack with their disappearance—an explosion of mana—catches the consuming hares, radiance dancing through the night sky of SANCTUARY. Feeling the doubles' final burst of brilliance on his skin behind him, Subaru shakes his head to dispel those what he deserted, grits his teeth, and runs for the tomb. —Continuously, runs.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
By the time Subaru reaches the tomb, his body no longer perceives the cold.
Snow hazes his vision, and his eyelashes could be about frozen, but as he spills the white breaths from his trembling lips, Subaru pays none of it mind. The only thing his dull, leaden thoughts envision is a single and solitary girl.
His footsteps ring off the stone corridor, heading for the depths. In the TRIAL room, a girl will be waiting for him.
???: “—Subaru?”
He discovers the open space, when a silver bell calls his name. Yet attracted by its chime he directs his course, entering the room. Seeing him, the person standing there speaks with full delight.
Emilia: “Then it was you, Subaru! Gosh, just where'd you go? I was worried.”
Says Emilia as she darts over to take Subaru's hand.
Pouting, Emilia cradles Subaru's hand to her breast, transferring him her tender warmth as she looks up. Emilia: “...Are you tired?” Subaru: “Yeah... might, little bit... tired.”
Emilia: “Heehee, right. Ok then, ok then.” Emilia laughs, her cheeks dying red. Still holding Subaru's hand, she sits down on the spot. She folds her legs beneath each other, splaying her shins out to the side, pulling a half-crouched Subaru in closer.
Emilia: “Now, here you go, Subaru.” Subaru: “...A, lap pillow.” Emilia: “Yes. Subaru, you like my lap pillows, don't you? You said so. I remember these things juuust right. Here, aaall yours.” Smiling in proud embarrassment, Emilia slaps at her lap. Subaru kneels down, indulging her invitation as he settles his head on her soft thighs.
His short hair brushing against her supple skin does provoke a provocative “Nnhm,” from Emilia, but she immediately gets to stroking his head in practised form. Emilia: “What number are we up to for me giving you a lap pillow?” Subaru: “Dunno. ...Third, maybe. Somehow always, when I'm drained ragged.” Emilia: “I have fun fiddling around with like, your hair, or your face, though. Liiike, fiddlefiddle.” Pulling his bangs, poking his cheeks, having a happy Emilia doing this to him, is Subaru.
That she is expressing her love does communicate, so no urge to push her fingers away boils up in the least. A world already ending—for now, he desired to drown in Emilia's love.
—Because he had already lost the majority of his blood and viscera. The goriness of Subaru's current state would make anyone normal want to look away. His back bathed in fangs, with bone probably visible beneath his clothes. Incredible loads of blood spill from his ravaged thighs, and with his efforts in swatting away oncoming hares his defingered right hand remains only with its thumb.
His arrival here amid his foggy consciousness was perhaps the sardonic result of delusional tenacity, and the freezing cold's numbing of his metabolism. Emilia: “Subaru, did you get a little lighter?” Subaru: “I'm trying the shed-blood diet. It's... ballast style, dump the weight, unload more, kinda, like that...”
Emilia: “I don't understand what you're saying, but you did something crazy for someone else again, didn't you? That's the kind of person you are, Subaru. I understand, but... I'm sooo, worried.”
Subaru says nothing.
Emilia: “The truth is, I only want you to do that, for me. But, I know that's being selfish, and a Subaru who acts like he doesn't see other people for me, isn't something I want to see maybe. ...That's also me being selfish, I'm sorry.”
Emilia's voice is growing distant. Unlike the chill outside, the tomb interior maintains some normal level of warmth. This ironically elevates Subaru's metabolism back to normal levels, his sluggish bloodflow now resuming to a stream. The stone floor dyes red with fresh blood, which further spews out Subaru's mouth alongside every cough. Sanguine spatter mottles Emilia's white cheeks. But—
Emilia: “Are you listening, Subaru? I want to talk and hear about so many, so many, sooo many things. Please, come on. Be with me. Hear my voice. Say something, please?”
—Emilia pays no mind to the bloodspatter on her cheek. Or no, she hasn't even noticed it. Her amethyst eyes indeed look upon Subaru, indeed reflect him— but, they do not accept reality as it is.
When Subaru returned from the mansion, he had been subject to near-torture by Elsa and covered in injury. Getting dragged to the tomb by Garfiel likely worsened the awfulness of his appearance. But Emilia hadn't noticed Subaru's wounds, or worried about them. Faced with a Subaru eaten by hares and missing various pieces, she responds identically.
Emilia was not presently seeing reality. And perhaps Subaru was the same.
Subaru: “—”
What Subaru truly needed to be doing was warning Emilia of the danger and getting her away from this place. The Sizeable Hare has already swarmed the outside of the tomb, and soon will likely surge inside. In which case Emilia has not a hope of resistance. Like Roswaal, like the villagers and their suicide in fire, Emilia too would no longer avoid a gruesome death. Subaru knows this, but still is incapable of warning Emilia.
From his self-centred wish to—life soon to depart—meet the end of his time at Emilia's side, he is incapable of escaping.
His regret for allowing Ram and Garfiel to die, Roswaal's words and grisly death, the flux in the loss of Petra and Frederica, his sense of powerlessness for failing to save Rem and Beatrice, all overwhelm Subaru. Pain, and even the terror of death, don't matter a damn any more.
—All he simply wanted was to vanish from this world.
Subaru's indolent, selfish wish would come true. The world begins to cloud, his consciousness and soul gradually growing distant from this place. Strength leaves his limbs, sensation disappears from his near-wholly departed flesh.
What stays there, stays behind there, unaware of Subaru's departure, is only Emilia. Subaru: “—” So, he was leaving Emilia behind?
Able only to rely on Subaru, having lost every single other thing and person to depend on, even her one point of dependability, Subaru, was leaving her behind?
Subaru: “a—” The regret arrives far too late. Absolutely everything is incorrigibly belated. Saying nothing, the life vanishes from his eyes.
Emilia goes without noticing it, merely tilting her head cutely at the quietened Subaru. And she smiles, drawing her face near— Emilia: “Subaru—” Subaru: “—” She has the silent Subaru, and kisses him.
—His first kiss tasted of DEATH, cold.
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