CHAPTER 79: END OF THE DREAM
The moment he realises that air is passing through his windpipe, Subaru gives an incredible cough to expel the remaining blood in his throat. Still collapsed face-up on the ground as he pants, taking ragged breath after ragged breath, Subaru seeks oxygen, seeks the nourishment of life.
His heart has no timeslot to ponder on how wretched he looks right now. But he does think that his weakness, unhesitatingly clinging to the path of rescue presented before him after severing his tongue in a bid for DEATH, is miserable.
Subaru: “My...”
Minerva: “—Hm?”
Subaru: “My life has value...? Without dying... value other than in dying over and over... exists, for me?”
RETURN BY DEATH, and in doing so save everyone from the grips of despair. This outcome was one he could attain by paying his life, and he had believed it the only value to Natsuki Subaru. But, maybe, could it be okay to think otherwise?
Subaru: “This person, me, has value other than in RETURN BY DEATH... is that okay for me to think? That the people I like... like me back too, can I... can I think, like that?”
Minerva: “...All that's nothing I could care about.”
Says Minerva bluntly as she averts her gaze. She nimbly drags herself away from Subaru using only her left arm, having lost her right and her legs, as she turns to face her right shoulder—and bites. Immediately, droplets of light regenerate Minerva's missing arm. Clenching and unclenching the fist of her now-sleeveless right arm, Minerva next goes for her legs —each missing from the thighs down. She punches at the root of the severance, and just like her arms, both her legs regenerate.
Her already-short skirt has grown even shorter, and with her bare right arm her appearance is very risky, but regardless the WITCH OF WRATH Minerva has returned to fighting fit condition. She stands well on her regained legs, crossing her arms in a pose which emphasizes her voluptuous breasts, and looks down at Subaru.
Minerva: “Your value or whatever has nothing to do with me. But, she's wishing for you to stay alive, so... and, didn't you see it too, in the second TRIAL?”
Subaru: “...But, the second TRIAL was my mistakes, the sins I committed.”
Minerva: “Are you stupid? That wasn't something to make you take responsibility for the worlds where you messed up. That was something showing you how sad everyone was as a result of your mistakes. —And wasn't that the answer you wanted?”
Subaru: “—hw”
He remembers. A voice, crying. A voice, rue stifled. A voice giving strong farewell. A voice giving the usual, kind goodbye. Whispers of love from who believed in him. The words of beginning, what were Subaru's motivation to fight.
None of which he was supposed to have had in his life. Still possessing nothing, still having lost what should have been in his possession, was how Subaru believed he had been summoned to this world. To prove his own worth, he needed to keep fighting. To protect those precious people he had acquired over that period of fighting, he needed keep walking further in solitude.
Only ever receiving from others—had been his supposition, but was he safe to think otherwise? Would they cry for him? Would they lament their powerlessness for him? Would they desire to see the future, and see it with him alongside? Would they allow him the qualifications to stand, smiling, at the side of those precious to him?
These qualifications, of questionable possession. But surely if he walked to the end of the road that he had been, obstinate and alone, he would not be permitted to have them. At the end of his fight, conducted with a heart of iron and entirely unshakable mental fortitude, he would surely forfeit the tenderness required for any smile to rise on his face. And so, was he allowed to believe?
The option to procure a future for those precious to him, at cost of losing his own heart. The option to frantically guard his own heart, at the cost of losing the road to proceed.
Was he allowed to believe in neither, and instead in some greedier option? The option to see the future of those precious ones, while simultaneously remaining Natsuki Subaru, was an option that existed—was he allowed to desire this, to believe this?
Satella: “—You're allowed.”
Subaru: “—”
These are the feelings of Subaru, not left voiced as he sheds only tears. But the timing fits perfectly, as if they had been communicated in sound.
Still collapsed on the ground, Subaru moves his head to look beyond Minerva—where he sees her, still fallen to her knees on the grass, the tears left unwiped on her face as she smiles.
Subaru still cannot see her face. A veil of darkness blocks it, and Subaru remains unable to determine her expression. But, the fact that she is smiling does communicate. Echidna had said it. That the reason Subaru could not see her face was because he was not accepting her. That her smile communicates is because his unconsciousness is determining something he truly is seeing as something he is not seeing.
Satella: “You saved me. And so, I will pardon that you be saved. I am wishing for you to be saved.”
Knowing that Satella's words, her voice, are permeating his fractured heart leads Subaru to bury his face in his arms. The tears had already made it a mess, and unmistakably there would be no way for his face to get more unpresentable this late in the game, but regardless he wishes for nobody to see it.
After his incredible badmouthing of her, how was it that Satella's words still brought him relief? And how could he possibly show how his expression softened? But that said, it was true that Satella's arcane words of LOVE or what call them had allowed Subaru to truly understand the TRIAL.
Echidna: “...It's surprising that Minerva broke through Typhon and Sekhmet's obstructions, but personally what surprises me more is you two.”
Mutters Echidna quietly as she places Subaru aside as another matter. Looking first at Minerva and her restored limbs, Echidna shifts her gaze elsewhere—to Typhon pinned beneath the claws extending from the black coffin, and the coffin's owner Daphne as she faces down Sekhmet.
Daphne: “It's un-mis-ta-ka-ble that I'm, the one with best a-ffin-i-ty, against Ty-Ty. The cen-ti-pede coffin has, no brain to think with, and it's my arms and legs. Ty-Ty's authority has ter-ri-ble compatibility.”
Typhon: “Aug—stop it—Phinnie! Hnn! Auug!”
Sekhmet: “And so—haa—you're using your real body for holding me in check, then—huu? I'm not Echidna—haa—but just why are you pulling this stunt—huu? Unlike with Minerva, I don't understand your reasoning for this—haa.”
Sekhmet scratches rigorously at her overwhelming, overflowing head of hair. With Typhon practically taken hostage, not even Sekhmet can be careless here. Daphne smiles, her pigtails swaying.
Daphne: “We-ell,”
Daphne: “So silly Subaruun, he talked some p-re-tt-y big lip to me. A-ppa-ren-t-ly he, killed the White Whale, and next is the Sizeable Hare? Then, so I was thinking, I want him to at least make, it to challenging them.”
Echidna: “An interesting stance. If he ever feels the urge, he can indeed achieve that. You should be aware of that, too... do you mean you want the Sizeable Hare to be destroyed?”
Daphne: “Whatever? The mo-ment it split, a-way from me, its hunger stopped having a-ny-thi-ng to do with mine. It can be de-stroyed and it won't really bother me, but... maybe I am a little in-ter-es¬ted in how the Sizeable Hare, my very in-ex-tin-guish-a-ble starvation itself, will end.”
After all, says Daphne.
Daphne: “If ending means being fulfilled, that's a happiness com-plete-ly un-known to me.”
For a Daphne constantly tormented by endless hunger, fulfilment was an eternally unreachable dream. The Sizeable Hare reflected her unending starvation, and was deemable as another version of herself. —Although, Daphne had absolutely no such sense of closeness to it. Should the Sizeable Hare meet an end differing from the one Daphne did, would that end be a satiating one? Would there have existed chance for her to be fulfilled? Was the rare non-hunger kind of interest in her smile.
Echidna nods to Daphne's reply with full satisfaction, then turning her attention not to Subaru, nor Satella, nor Minerva. Not to Daphne and Sekhmet, not to Typhon, but to a somebody standing in a spot isolated from the commotion, as Echidna was. Seeing the WITCH OF LUST Camilla, Echidna lightly strokes at her white hair.
Echidna: “What about you, Camilla? Do you maybe have a reason, like Daphne did?”
Camilla: “I-Is, there... some... something you're, t-trying to... say? E-Echidna-chan?”
Echidna: “It's simple. —You called to his consciousness as it was in the grips of death, moments before its extinguishment. You would have known what would come of it, when it was you with your authority FACELESS GODDESS doing it.”
Camilla: “—”
Echidna: “Your call would have held every significance for him. And you would have understood that. And so I ask. You didn't think fondly of him. Why did you?”
Camilla puts her hand to her mouth, her gaze puttering about. That she directs her eyes to Daphne and Minerva is an action hoping for others to come in and back her up. But there is no WITCH in this place that will be seduced by the all-beloved Camilla. Camilla bites her finger in a 'nothing going' kind of way, her eyes watering as she looks at Echidna.
Camilla: “Th-there... wasn't, really... a reason? H-he, turned down... down, your t-temptations, so, I'm... all satisfied... a-and, even though every... everyone is, mad and... fighting, it's not... affecting me, so... but,”
Echidna: “But?”
Camilla: “L-LOVE is, so... important? I-It's bad t-to, ignore that... mm, you mustn't, do that. He might... be thinking he, d-doesn't want to... see it, but, there is... LOVE there... and when something's, there... I won't let, it... be denied. A-and, also, t-to me... null reciprocity is a hell no.”
Camilla speaks the final point alone with frightening clarity. Echidna shrugs. The WITCH OF GREED, smiling wryly, looks over the witches one by one.
Echidna: “Sekhmet and Typhon acted to respect his will, Minerva respected life and healed him. Daphne assisted in his prolonged survival for the sake of seeing his fighting spirit or what-to-call-it through, while Camilla utilized her authority to inform him of the love he'd constantly ignored. — Everyone and everybody has their various platforms, from which they attempted to aid Natsuki Subaru.”
Is how Echidna appraises the witches' actions, prompting the witches' expressions to shift. Pride tilts her head, Sloth gives a listless sigh, Wrath snorts as she crosses her arms, Gluttony eats a leg from the coffin as she smiles, Lust's face twists in disgust. And, having seen these reactions, Greed puts her hand to her chin.
Echidna: “It truly is interesting. —Don't you agree?”
Echidna's mouth relaxes, a blissful smile rising on her face. Her statement is aimed at the one directly before her—his body wavering as he stands up, Subaru.
Wiping his still-wet teartracks with his sleeve and having managed to stand, Subaru gives Echidna's question no reply. His eyes look passionlessly over the witches.
Subaru: “Seriously... just what are you all.”
Witches: “—”
Subaru: “Curiosity. Sympathy. Pity. Duty. Disgust. Expectation. ...Basically none of your reasons for supporting me make any real sense. I get what the title of 'witch' means, here.”
Echidna: “If you're back to speaking insults, then have you perhaps regained your spirit?”
Subaru: “...I don't know.”
Mutters Subaru as he puts his hand to his chest. Those words very succinctly expressed all of Subaru's present feelings.
Subaru: “What I have to do is supposed to have been decided. Those things I have to do haven't changed at all. That's definite. Definite.”
But, he says, speaking to himself rather to anyone else,
Subaru: “I'd decided that this was the only method for doing it. That's what I chose... what I had resolved to choose. But even despite that, here the TRIAL broke me.”
The second TRIAL, the uncomeatable present—which speared Subaru with the consequences of his actions, while the reality he had used the word 'resolve' to distract from ripped his heart to shreds.
Having been shown that, Subaru further sought a clear rationalization, and had attempted to stick through with his resolve. And realistically, that was supposed to have happened.
Subaru: “But, learning your true motives after having once thought you someone whose help I could accept, and then right afterwards having Satella appear... my head is frazzled. All of you, stop going off just doing all these things. What I ought to do is something I am saddled with. Is what it's meant to be, but...”
This late, now made to cling to the life he had rationalized expendable, what was he meant to do? This late, now made to feel attachment to the life he had determined to use, what was he meant to do? This late, now made aware that he was loved, what was he meant to do?
Subaru: “I have just, no idea what to do any more.”
If you don't die, you can't protect everyone! screams Subaru's rationality. There are people who will grieve over your scouring yourself away, Subaru's memories tell him. He doesn't die, and people will sorrow. He does die, and people will sorrow.
Echidna: “—I will present you this question once again, Natsuki Subaru.”
Says Echidna, her tone low. Subaru looks up, to find Echidna standing directly before him, her finger raised.
Seeing herself reflected in Subaru's eyes, Echidna nods slowly.
Echidna: “Should I collaborate with you, you will without fail arrive at a future where those you want to save are saved. You'll surely lose the need for deliberation. Speaking in extremes, I will be reliable for solving the problems you will face. All you need to do is concentrate fully on implementing those solutions, and only on overcoming the barricades. If continuous deliberation is painful for you, the option is available for you to entrust all of that to me. I will not fault you for it, and in a sense I will welcome it. And so, I will present you with this question once again.”
Subaru says nothing.
Echidna: “Having no clue what to do any more, would you let me guide your hand? My promise is that, without fail, I will bring you to the future.”
Says Echidna gently as she presents her hand to Subaru. Looking down at her pale fingers, looking up at her awaiting face, Subaru's breath freezes.
This is the same proposal as what he has just rejected. Subaru had learned of Echidna's true nature then, and been terrified of her mentality which operated only off of nigh-frightening curiosity.
But, how about now? Having had a short break, and then thinking calmly over what she is saying, how about it? Treating his life as a consumable, going through every pattern of trial-and-error, forcibly surmounting the obstacles in his path via a rather heavy-handed method. Subaru's state after accepting Echidna's aid would be one of continuous fighting while his heart erodes—but that said, even should he decline her help, how would his state during his solo efforts differ at all?
Subaru had been stubborn, and unable to stomach his repulsion for her attitude, he had rejected Echidna. But if he had the resolve to truly abandon everything and make himself a sacrifice, if he could just ignore Echidna's nature, what he should do is utilize her just as she proposed. But even that his integrity had rejected. If he was headed along the exact same path regardless— then what exactly was the point of Subaru's relentless refusals?
He ought to take that hand. Should he have the resolve to keep fighting without any fear of being hurt, swallowing down his pain and suffering, he ought to take that hand. And so,
Subaru: “Echidna.”
Echidna: “—”
Subaru: “I'm afraid of being hurt.”
Echidna: “—”
Subaru: “I hate pain, and suffering, and sadness. I don't want to go through awful experiences, I don't want to see others meet terrible fates. —I don't, want to die.”
Echidna: “—”
Subaru: “And so, your hand which presupposes sacrifices—I can't take anymore.”
Not even Subaru exactly knew what it was he could do here. But he no longer seemed capable of choosing a path with the same premise as Echidna's.
He had wound up being aware that he did not want to die. He had wound up learning that there were people who would accept him even without his death, when he had thought himself useless outside of dying. Natsuki Subaru was a man whose worth was not only in dying.
Because the people who mourned Subaru's DEATH where not people mourning him while seeing worth in his DEATH. So then, there was SOMETHING about him which made them mourn?
Subaru: “I still don't know what that something is. —But, I'm thinking to find out. Once I know what it is, I think I'll be able to repay everyone in a way other than DEATH.”
Echidna: “...However, there lies a path of thorns, Natsuki Subaru. While it is truth that rationalizing death as a tool to cut open the way, proceeding along the route while scouring yourself down, is a rugged path—it unmistakably remains as the shortest road for reaching the future. The only thing you need to offer is your heart. To deny this, and intend to keep your own heart as well as the future of those precious to you, is an act of extraordinary difficulty, and above all—
Cutting off there, Echidna takes a breath. And, with the most resplendent smile she has ever shown rising on her face,
Echidna: “—Greed.”
Affirming his desires, the WITCH OF GREED accepts Subaru's decision with her expression pleased. This witch, having had her proposal denied but still smiling happily, is indeed beyond Subaru's understanding. But,
Subaru: “That you saved me countless times alone is truth. ...Even if it was entirely all you thinking of me like some lab rat or whatever, that is truth.”
Echidna's presence had been a mental support, by which he had overcome troubles. For being given those spaces of time to protect his mind, he was indeed grateful.
Echidna: “—Foolish, pitiful Garfiel is scared of the outside world.”
Subaru: “...huh?”
Echidna: “What he saw in the first TRIAL has always been binding him. If you're to break through this situation by yourself, I'd say you'd need to undo that curse on him.”
Subaru: “Echidna?”
Echidna: “The other witches have been very friendly with you, and if I then present you nothing, what an outrage it'll be. Having you think THE WITCHES WERE ALL FUNDAMENTALLY GREAT GUYS, EXPECT THAT ECHIDNA SHE WAS JUST THE WORST is truly nothing I want. I may be me but I am still a girl, and that I'm fond of you is truth.”
Speaking quickly, Echidna lightly pokes Subaru in the chest. Pushed a step back by the momentum, Subaru looks up to find Echidna averting her gaze. Her white hair swaying, the WITCH OF GREED steps away from Subaru. The other witches, too, watch Subaru silently.
Subaru: “...You guys are all a bunch beyond anything I can understand.”
Witches: “—”
Subaru: “You throw my head into so much disarray I could go crazy, and even now I'm still fuming pissed about what you said. This whole time I've been thinking 'stop talking over my head about things I don't know', and I will never come to like you guys.”
Sincere thoughts. The witches all had their respective and ironclad values, which Subaru—no, which any ordinary person—would unmistakably conflict with. And so Subaru could not comprehend them, or accept their actions with understanding. But just like what he thought with Echidna, an inability to comprehend, and gratitude, were separate.
Subaru: “Thank you for trying to let me die. Thank you for trying to not let me die. Thank you for letting me hear these important voices. —For these, thank you.” As he bows his head to the witches one by one, the way they swallow their breath is rather satisfying. Subaru then turns, walks.
Ahead of him, a girl remains on her knees on the grass—it is Satella.
She looks up at Subaru and his approach, her breath holding to a stop. Seeing her frightened, seeing her in exactly the state of a small young girl, Subaru loses his speech. Why was it that when faced with someone he had thought abhorrent, his heart fills with warmth?
What were these emotions he harboured for someone he had never even touched before? This place had given Subaru far too many questions lacking answers. Still without a single answer and choosing the option of CONTINUE DELIBERATING, Subaru offers his hand to the seated Witch. She looks at his offered hand, lost and uncertain. Subaru: “I... have no idea what you are. I don't understand why you're telling me you love me, or what you're... or what you mean when you say that I saved you.” Satella: “Ah...” Subaru: “But that the RETURN BY DEATH you've given me has saved me is fact. That I've fully relied on it, and doing so managed to get here is also truth.” Satella: “—” Subaru: “RETURN BY DEATH is an option available to me... is what this all is?” Satella: “—” Subaru: “I won't make any simple rationalizations of it. —But, that you who gave me RETURN BY
DEATH, are what's made me feel I don't want to die, is unmistakable.” And so, Subaru: “Like you said, I'll try... just a little bit, try liking myself more. Try treating myself dearly. I have no idea what'll happen once I'm doing that but, that's okay.” Satella: “...Will you be all right?”
Subaru: “Yeah. Compared to dying, it's nothing.”
Subaru answers to Satella's worried voice as he crafts a weak smile. Seeing his expression, Satella worriedly takes hold of his hand. Instantly, the noise of the world breaking comes to Subaru's eardrums.
The sky's blue and meadow's green fade in colour, signalling Natsuki Subaru's release from the castle in a dream.
Subaru: “—Back outside, then.” What he's doing, and why he's here, are vague. He will exit, and then what should he do first? The issues of his heart had made even this question into something unclear.
Satella: “Don't deliberate alone. Please, with those who think you dear alongside...” Subaru: “—” Satella: “With the people who don't desire your death, the people who desire not to let you die, fight alongside. ...And when even that isn't enough, die without forgetting what it is to fear death.” Subaru: “—” Satella: “Please don't forget―that there are people, who will grieve your death.” The world is cracking to pieces.
Satella's voice grows distant. That fact rips at Subaru's heart terribly.
This palm in his hand is frightfully hot. He must not let this hand go, is the feeling he has. Subaru: “—I,” He cannot get the words out to call her.
His call to her, his call of her name, is not coming. You must not voice that name, says his desire to reject her, as it fights with his desire to accept her. The sky is falling. The ground is breaking. Light abounds, the surroundings no longer the shape of the castle in a dream. The other witches have vanished from here, leaving this world to only Subaru and Satella.
He was fading. And beginning. —Directly before him is Satella, Subaru unable to say anything as he keeps her in his gaze. Subaru: “—”
The veil of darkness falls. The ebony he had supposedly been unconsciously rejecting is dispelled. Revealed from beneath is her face, which in seeing, Subaru swallows his breath.
Satella's silver hair sways, her amethyst eyes narrow, and with tears falling from their edges— Satella: “And one day—no matter what, come to kill me.” Departing.
Disappearing. The world vanishing, even the sight of the girl before him falling invisible. Subaru: “I, no matter what—” But gripping down firm on the warmth of her palm, Subaru— Subaru: “—Will save you.” Facing the unseen, darling girl, that alone does he assert.
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