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CHAPTER 81: GLIMMER OF HOPE 

Having gotten that pep talk from Otto and Patrasche, Subaru is for the moment saved from his mental turmoil. There's still lots of things about the events in the dream castle that he hasn't swallowed down yet, but he nevertheless needs to work them out one-by-one and use them as his encouragement. 

Subaru: “Not gonna be getting any more help from Echidna now...” 

The WITCH OF GREED Echidna had worn a friendly veneer as she observed Subaru's struggling. Considering their final exchange, Subaru would prefer to doubt that comprised the absolute entirety of it, but a witch is a witch and they don't stray from their principles. 

Subaru had keenly realised such by seeing the other five witches—Sekhmet, Daphne, Camilla, Typhon, and Minerva. From Subaru's perspective they were assuredly not beings entirely suffused in evil. However, under no circumstance would he call them virtuous creatures. And that went even for Minerva, whose creed was to heal people. Her attitude as she threw everything into healing another, despite having lost her legs and arm, was really less 'dignified' and more 'horrific'. 

And the final witch, Satella—Really, Subaru would prefer to put thinking about her off for later. The incomprehensible emotions which boiled up from inside Subaru in response to Satella. Finding the answer behind these, what with his present crunch-time situation, Subaru instinctively understands as dangerous. The final words they shared at their parting. And the Satella he saw then—just by remembering her figure in that moment, crazed emotion rips at his chest from inside, near to destroying it. 

Thus while consciously avoiding thinking about Satella, Subaru directs his thoughts to other issues. Those being, the advice Echidna had given him at the end, and whether or not he should accept what Satella said wholesale. 

Subaru: “Treat yourself dearly, I mean it's fine saying it, but...” 

By meeting with Satella and encountering the first and second TRIALS in the tomb, Subaru learned that the people he desired not to die equally would grieve over Subaru's DEATH. —He wound up acknowledging his true feelings that he did not want to die. 

But that said, now what to do? Nothing has changed about his weapons on-hand being paltry. Nothing has changed about the over-abundant problems which remain unsolved. Or hell, the number of people he has to rely on for solving these problems has actually decreased. While his heart has been somewhat renewed, everything else has degraded rather than advanced. 

Subaru: “Rely on those who think dearly of you... but how am I supposed to do that....” 

Just be frank with the truth and ask them for help, is probably what it meant. But the one banning him from doing this is none other than Satella—or actually, going from the flow of the conversation in the dream, the one prohibiting Subaru from talking about RETURN BY DEATH may be the Witch of Envy personality. Satella had different ideas than the split personality,  maybe. And the meaning of her final call to him was— 

Subaru: “—I goddamn said this isn't the time to be thinking about this.” 

Noticing that his thoughts are flowing down into thinking about Satella, Subaru hoists the breaks. What he needs to do is divine and consider concrete plans for resolving the various problems. 

Subaru: “Garfiel's scared of the outside world... huh.” 

This was Echidna's final piece of advice, and likely necessary information for breaking through this entire situation. Garfiel had already practically confessed that he had taken the first TRIAL, and Echidna's statement backed that up. The problem is, what did he see in his past that made him scared of the outside world? 

That he refrained to leave SANCTUARY alongside Frederica was probably not unrelated to this trauma. Subaru doubts this problem is one Garfiel will openly divulge if asked upfront. 

Subaru: “Which means all that's left's to get it out of someone who'd know... Frederica and Lewes¬san both felt tight-lipped about it before...” 

If he's to trust Frederica's telling, then she was unable to follow Garfiel into the tomb, and consequently she would not know the details of the TRIAL. On the flipside, being that Lewes had rushed inside to drag Garfiel out, it's probably safe to think that at least one of the doubles has taken the TRIAL. Likely, she would also know the details of Garfiel's TRIAL. 

Subaru: “And so... don't really wanna do it, but, reliable plan'd be to get the command right from the Lewes Meyer crystal, and ask her to tell me.” 

Not even the main Lewes personalities can defy someone with the command right. There is coercive potential here. To take this action has more value than just information gathering, as he would procure over 20 collaborators. Is the logic Subaru uses to try and persuade himself. 

Subaru: “—” 

What arises in Subaru's mind is SANCTUARY, burning, and a horde of white rabbits. A wretched memory, of urging the Lewes doubles one after another to protect him so that he could escape. I must run to Emilia. Subaru used this statement as his justifiable duty as mindlessly gave the Lewes orders, and albeit covered in wounds, he managed to sprint into the tomb. While he hadn't reflected on or regretted his actions, now that he looks back at it with a cool head, the rashness of the deed horrifies even him. 

And especially now that he has realised his own piteousness of not wanting to die. Could he not with more arrogance, with more candour, have made the girls sacrifice themselves? He could not fully trust himself, even though he would prefer not to do such a thing. 

Subaru: “My head's a mess... I'm going way too far in a negative way, shit. I'm thinking all about  this and that and this and my brain's gonna exceed capacity. Let's start by one-by-one eliminating the things I can eliminate.” 

Subaru starts by searching for a problem which seems liable to go in a positive direction. 

Subaru: “Having finished the first TRIAL, I should be the one to free SANCTUARY. There's no need for Emilia to shoulder any greater load. Or actually, since putting Emilia under too much pressure means her mental state goes something awful it's a no go.” 

Subaru thinks back on Emilia, drawing near to him sweetly in the snowed-over SANCTUARY. It's obvious that Emilia turning out like that resulted from her mind snapping as she continuously challenged the TRIAL. Making her continually face the TRIAL would lead to no good result. 

Subaru: “We'll make clearing the TRIAL my problem, and... next point of bother's the second TRIAL. Held in there a while, but... with all that, does that mean I've already cleared it?” 

For anyone other that Subaru, the uncomeatable present might just be simple observation of parallel worlds. But for Subaru alone did the TRIAL truly bear its fangs. 

With varied regrets, resulting from various tragedies, variable laments had mourned Subaru's death. Experiencing it all with these eyes, this skin, had shattered Subaru's heart and mind to pieces. Remembering it sends chills running through his body, and besets his limbs with unavoidable numbness. 


It was just when he squatted down, swallowed by the shrieking of his heart, that he was dragged into the dream castle—but what wound up happening with the actual TRIAL? 

He's cleared it—is not the situation he is in. But then what should he do to clear the second TRIAL? Unlike with the first TRIAL, he can't figure it out at all. 

Subaru: “Mulling over it won't get me anywhere. ...I just have to do the things I can do.” 

Shaking his head, Subaru forces his indecisive heart back up straight. As he puts his hand to the tomb wall at his back, his glare lands on the entrance to darkness. Subaru had been alone as he thought matters over, with neither Patrasche nor Otto at his side. 

That last exchange had stupid-embarrassed him and he had gotten Otto to take Patrasche back to the stables. Although Patrasche's maintained and concerned gaze was a grace, he wanted some time alone to sort out his thoughts. 

Subaru: “The issues that need sorting out are SANCTUARY and the mansion. In SANCTUARY is the TRIAL, Garfiel, and the Sizeable Hare. In the mansion is Beatrice and Elsa... going over the limit for multitasking, here.” 

Subaru has not a single plan for resolving any one of these ordeals as he falls into dejection. But, he has no time to be depressed. Now is to steadily eliminate these problems one by one. Without thinking about throwaway lives, or other such things. 

Subaru: “First is to confirm the status of the TRIAL. If the second TRIAL starts then that's okay, if it's ended and the third TRIAL starts then that's okayer.” 

If he can speed up the removal of the barrier then that will greatly spur everything to action. Garfiel will have to start thinking about how he'll act as well, and worst case even supposing the Sizeable Hare attacks, they should be capable of escaping outside. It's pretty inconceivable that even Garfiel would persist in stubbornness when faced with the Sizeable Hare. Removing the barrier would make SANCTUARY's problems start heading toward resolution. 

Thinking that far, Subaru sees a faint glimmer of hope arising before him, and so comes relief. 

He had mused over the many problems roiling his brain, and now he saw something which seemed a route for reaching the answer. 

Subaru: “—” 

Standing at the entrance to the tomb, Subaru swallows his breath as he looks through the dim, at the stonework corridor. If he goes inside and the TRIAL starts, he may be faced with the uncomeatable present again. Subaru would never get used to those scenes, no matter how many times he saw them. But he knew he was not permitted to either ignore or forget them. 

And so if he cannot avoid them, then he must challenge. 

Subaru takes a deep inhale, holds his breath, and steps forth. Treading into the tomb, he wills to challenge the TRIAL for the sake of freeing SANC— 

Subaru: “—!?” 

The moment he steps inside, a jolt rocks Subaru like a punch to the skull. The pain is like needles stabbing directly into his brain, his footing falling unsteady, lights scattering about his vision. His upper body sways languorously as he is unable to stand, and he collapses on the spot. A tremendous nausea seethes up, a churning pain assaults his stomach as he chokes on acid. He coughs, but no matter how he repeats so his body fails to get any more eased. 

The alarm bells, the bells, the sirens are ringing. 

With his body caught in ongoing discord and disharmony, Subaru pants as he tumbles toward the tomb's exit. And he instinctively senses. Should he step inside, proceed in further, the wickedness tormenting his body would increase in ferocity. 

Subaru: “Ghb, ghkk, haah, bahgh, uehgh” 

Tumbled out of the tomb, Subaru puts his hand to the grass as he pukes, pukes, and pukes. The moment that his body completely exits the tomb, the agony tormenting Subaru fades distant. The headache, the nausea, the numbness in his limbs all thin out. Subaru raises his head with his  eyes teary. 

Subaru: “Aeu, uhg, what was, that?” 

Subaru looks at the tomb entrance. Just as he reaches out to crawl toward it, a primordial rejection festers up from inside him. This was no great problem such as trauma due to fearing the TRIAL's content. —It was that he plainly understood that the tomb was rejecting him. 

Subaru: “What, is...” 

Rejecting him. In realising this, Subaru immediately figures what has happened to him. Patrasche had been wounded as she went inside to pull Subaru out. Roswaal had been wounded as he entered the tomb in an attempt to challenge the TRIAL. The tomb rejects creatures which lack the qualifications to challenge the TRIAL. Supposing that that effect had just activated on Subaru... 

Subaru: “That shouldn't be... I mean, then that...” 

Standing up, Subaru challenges the tomb with tottering gait and determination. But the instant he steps inside the headache and nausea return. Overwhelming ailment keeps Subaru from even standing, crushing him. 

Subaru: “Haah... haahh... hahh...” 

Stepping back, Subaru takes ragged breaths as he distances himself from the tomb entrance. This last attempt has forced Subaru to accept the truth that he had already comprehended. 

Subaru: “That, asshole...” 

What skims through Subaru's mind is a white-haired witch in a mourning dress. At their parting, she had indeed asked this of Subaru: 

Will you choose to take my hand, or to take Satella's? 

Subaru had gone without taking Echidna's hand, instead taking Satella's. If this was her revenge for Subaru's actions, then that was incredibly— Subaru: “And that glimmer of hope is..!” And it came at the end of the end, just when he had believed she had given him a hint wholly out of  goodwill, and accordingly thought kinder of her. Echidna: <—You're not wrong in the least.> Hearing the mischievous voice of a witch he should not be hearing, Subaru looks up to the night  sky. Subaru: “Revoking my qualifications... you said nothing about this, ECHIDNAAA!!” 

—Natsuki Subaru had lost the qualifications to challenge the TRIAL to free SANCTUARY.





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