CHAPTER 89: MEMORIES OF SNOW
—Finished talking in secret with Lewes, Subaru walks through the forest alone.
He told her that he needed to think, and left her behind with the crystal. Faced with a girl of identical visage—and further, her original. How pensive a thing.
While Subaru's interest in all this is inexhaustible, he does not know how far he's okay to broach into the topic. But either way, the Lewes who Subaru just spoke with is on his side.
These four Lewes duplicates. Going from his chat with Lewes, two duplicates have taken the tomb's TRIAL. Meaning there are two Leweses who have challenged the TRIAL. Subaru suspects that it's the TRIAL-challenging Leweses who are giving Garfiel these suggestions.
With there being four duplicates, potential exists for their thinking to not be entirely uniform. Subaru's thought that the four Lewes were the same being, considering that they all play the role of the same single person, had backfired. They play the role of the same person, while simultaneously having their own differences in thought processes.
Meaning it wouldn't be strange, supposing that one Lewes had experienced something that the others hadn't, for her to diverge from the others in her opinions.
For expediency's sake, Subaru labels the four Leweses as Alpha, Beta, Theta, and Sigma. Leweses Alpha and Beta do not know about the TRIAL. Leweses Theta and Sigma do. What he really wanted to do was label them in German as Eins, Zwei, Drei, but he couldn't come up with the fourth one and so the plan failed. Anyway,
Subaru: “Thing is meeting Theta and Sigma will have to be at least two days from now...”
The timing for the Sizeable Hare to attack SANCTUARY—strictly speaking, the deadline for this is when large-scale snow magic entices the nearby Hares over, which will be in five days' time. Being that he will not necessarily come up with a counter-plan immediately after having a talk with Lewes, this remaining time of three days offers no great leeway.
Garfiel will, at the end of the end, kill the villagers to keep SANCTUARY from being liberated. With how they're inciting him to do such a thing, it's nigh impossible that Sigma and Theta's ideas will be easily swayed. With consideration to the prospect of persuading them, the future ahead indeed looks dark.
Subaru: “But in exchange for the increase in obstacles... there's an opening for dealing with Garfiel, maybe? When I somehow persuade the two interfering Lewes-sans, that'll clear away the problem.”
If Sigma and Theta are influencing Garfiel's violence, then persuading them is equivalent to clearing the Garfiel route. Being that Subaru sees no methods for working things out directly with Garfiel, this does present a glimmer of hope, albeit a feeble and slight one.
Garfiel's strength presently is not only in standalone power, as he also holds the command right for 20 Lewes duplicates, the will-lacking ones excepted from the representative four. These plain copies are a machine-like combat force who do not hesitate even in their own deaths, and Subaru has not very great means to counter it should Garfiel utilize them. It's all beyond strict.
Leaving the sentimentalities aside, Subaru would still rather avoid conflict with Garfiel. This was already plainly understood, but to silence Garfiel with combat was impossible. Should Garfiel, spurred on by Theta and Sigma and possessing the girls' command right, entirely and perfectly become their enemy, then Subaru's side's chances of winning would drop even further.
Subaru: “And with how dramatic I was in forming a contract with Roswaal, I can't fail. Not planning to either. Nevermind whether the insurance will work, when standing my ground I gotta do it by my own strength.”
Subaru pulls his cheeks firm as they start inclining in a snivelly direction, shaking his head, scolding himself.
Subaru: “Either way, dealing with Leweses Theta and Sigma's gonna have to be improv. Could try having a shot with Garfiel to feel him out early, but... make that for later.”
Exiting through the forest, Subaru returns to the village in SANCTUARY. The sun has risen entirely, the residents and Arlam evacuees spurred into their daily activities around the settlement.
Subaru gives them glances as he passes, answering the occasional hellos with a wave of his hand, his legs carrying him solely to a spot separated from all the activity.
A spot just a little distant from both the village and the cathedral. —To where she is staying, the bed of Emilia.
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—Close her eyes, and the memories of then come back vivid even now.
White. A world of white. In this land of absolute silver, the young Emilia walks alone.
—You can't remember this!
Cry out in silent voice, but little Emilia as she walks with head downcast does not hear. She glances around the area forlornly—and with her hopes betrayed, downhearted, she walks trudging slow through the snow.
—Go back! Please! Don't do anything more!
Young Emilia exhales a white puff, then peering curiously at the mist expelled from her mouth. She takes breath out and out and out, over and over. Her only clothing is undergarments crafted from thin cloth, and a cloak-like garment to robe her body wholly. It is not really an outfit one would consider for passing time in a frigid world, but there's nothing to do about it.
After all, this is the first time Emilia has ever been in such a cold land or ever seen snow. The world she knew was a forest abounding in warm light and verdancy, with not any resemblance to this realm buried entirely in snow and ice.
This surely-familiar place was showing an unknown face. And this mystifies young Emilia, making her neglect to react in the way that she fundamentally should.
—No! Don't go further! Go back! If you don't, it'll...!
Plead enough to shred the throat, to destroy it, to spit blood, but young Emilia's legs do not stop. The voice still going fruitlessly unheard, heartlessly the girl's feet press forward.
Her gait as she traverses the unknown snowlands barefoot is pitiful. Long lost any sensation of coldness or pain, her feet cut on the branches and rocks hidden beneath the snow, tracking out her trail in droplets of blood.
That she nevertheless veils her terror toward the unfamiliar world, forgetting her pain, as she earnestly presses ahead alone is for what purpose, exactly?
—Stop, please... I don't want to watch any more, please...
The pleading does not reach her. The wishes will go ungranted. These hopes, entirely obstructed. Though this reality is already known, even in dreams are the cruel facts pushed into spotlight. By manner of showing her past self, and her greatest mistake.
Emilia: “—hk”
Young Emilia's amethyst eyes, as if sighting hope beyond the murk of blinding snow, sparkle. What her gaze lands on is, to young Emilia's knowledge, the trunk of the tallest tree in the world. This great plant called the PRAYER TREE is a divine arbour for devoting prayers to unseen and holy things, a treasured and irreplaceable presence for everyone in the village. Young Emilia, too, obstinately believed that just by touching the great tree's trunk, she could feel its tremendous blessings on her skin.
How reassuring for it must have been for Emilia in that moment, to see the arbour's gallant form exactly in its usual place. How much a grace it must have been, that amidst a familiar landscape transmogrified into someplace unknown, that this tree kept preserving the everyday and usual.
Exhaling many puffs of white along the way, Emilia clumsily bounds for the arbour. The piled snowfall buries young Emilia to her knees, and so although the distance to the tree is not far, the girl trips times upon times, leaving imprints of herself in the pure snow.
Falling face-first multiple times, her nose red from the frost, Emilia finally reaches the root of the tree. Her tense face relaxes slightly in relief. But even in this the cold petrifies her muscles rigid, and all it amounts to is a meagre twitch.
Emilia: “—?”
Young Emilia reaches for one of the roots of the tree, her expression one of having noticed something. She slides her hand over to arrive at the root, her fingertips freezing as she buries them into the snow to dig.
—Stop!!
She digs, and digs. With full focus, and still spurred on by panicky impatience, young Emilia digs up the snow.
—Stop! Stop, stop stop stopstopstop!
Rather not watch. Rather not remember. Would rather look away, cover her eyes, block her ears, scream to shred the world apart. But her non-existent face, non-existent eyes, non-existent ears, cannot be deceived.
Young Emilia's fingers touch something in the snow. She slowly, by her own hands, takes that last portion of snow, and—
—STOP!!
…
….............
…..............................
???: “—You were beyond any help.” Emilia: “—” ???: “Proof of sin. Proof of corruption. Be cursed and cursed and cursed, and at the finality of your suffering...”
Emilia: “—” ???: “Die. —Witch-spawn.”
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???: “—Emilia? Emilia? Hey, you alright!?”
Emilia: “Au, e.. ah, suhba, rhu?”
Subaru shakes her shoulders, for Emilia to faintly open her eyes with a call of his name. She shakes her head in an attempt to level out her blurry consciousness. But,
Emilia: “Subaru, why are... you here?”
Subaru: “Do I need a reason to be? When it's your face, Emilia-tan, I could keep staring the whole night without ever getting bored.”
Emilia: “Not that, I mean... um...”
Perhaps her consciousness has not cleared fully, for Emilia's response is still rather anxious. In an attempt to dispel her unease, Subaru slaps his knees as he stands up and shoots her a smile.
Subaru: “Can't have you getting too unguarded around me. Happy for the trust, but I'm a guy and also sheltering a ravenous wolf beneath the shroud called rationality. Would like it for you to be a little more conscious of this person I am, Emilia-tan.”
Emilia: “...? I'm not forgetting about you, Subaru. I was waking up so I said something strange, that's all... but, dozing off without even noticing it...”
Though it seems she didn't exactly understand what he was saying, that Emilia's voice shows signs that she is properly waking up. After confirming this, Subaru gives the troubled-looking Emilia a jerk of his chin.
Subaru: “I get having the exhaustion piled up, but if you're gonna sleep do it proper on a bed. You sleep on the floor like you were then, and the moment I step in the room my heart's gonna be near to stopping.”
Emilia: “...Ah, I'm sorry. It worried you, didn't it?”
Subaru: “I'd just renewed my resolve, but seeing this and wondering if a new event'd triggered that'd ruin absolutely everything seriously had me in a panic. You could even say that seeing your sleeping face today, Emilia-tan, was more emotional than usual.”
The shock that struck Subaru when he entered the bedroom and saw Emilia is a thing beyond any possible description.
No reply came when he knocked, so he entered the room while considering that she may be elsewhere, to find Emilia collapsed in front of the bed with her silver hair splayed across the floor. Surely nobody could blame Subaru for paling and almost falling to despair. That said, the warmth of her body when he went to upright her, and the definite presence of her breathing and pulse immediately informed him that his worries were needless. However,
Subaru: “If that were all it was I'd rather just let you keep sleeping like that, but... looked like you were having a crazy nightmare. Was it bad of me to wake you up?”
Sweat had covered sleeping Emilia's brow as Subaru held her in his arms, her expression horrifically pained, and body writhing. Subaru had experienced this before too, but there exist no means to flee from an agonizing nightmare. The only method to swiftly escape the pain is to be called from outside the dream. Subaru had utilized said method. Emilia shakes her head.
Emilia: “Thank you for waking me up sooo much. I had a sort of... no, a really bad dream, and... thank you.”
Subaru: “Terrible dream, tormenting Emilia-tan. What was it about? ...is kinda sorta where I wanna go, but smells like remembering it'd be no fun either.”
Emilia: “—”
Seeing the wry smile following her silence, Subaru considers the nature of Emilia's nightmare. Most likely it had spawned from the piling of negative circumstances. While he can't tell whether or not any concrete images accompanied that,
Subaru: “...Right, then I won't push you say it.”
Seeing how Emilia averts her gaze from Subaru and avoids alluding to it at all, Subaru judges that it probably was a nightmare with clear, definite images. If it was a vague dream, it'd be easy to talk about. That she can't is the evidence that her nightmare carried vivid form.
This talk with Emilia's turned to look inauspicious, and carrying the flow of the coming conversation is also going to be difficult. His expression complex, touching the tip of his nose, deliberating on how to broach the topic is Subaru, who Emilia looks up at.
Emilia: “So... what's wrong, Subaru? You couldn't possibly have really come here to look at my face for no reason, right?”
Subaru: “Couldn't possibly—is not how surprising a thing it'd be, to my thoughts.”
Emilia: “No, you wouldn't. I mean, you're always so busy going everywhere doing things. You can't use up your time like that just on me.”
Subaru: “Just how diligent a guy am I in your internal imaginings, Emilia-tan? You do get that I'm a guy known as such a slacker that I'd wholeheartedly agree to the establishment of Blobout Day?”
No exaggeration and no joke, Subaru knew that his nature was that of a hopeless layabout. An endless descent into depravity, if gone without some kind of role, was the human being called Natsuki Subaru. Which is why he had not slacked on devoting himself to daily workouts and pointless skills/hobbies back in the old world. He knew he would become an utterly hopeless human being the moment that he did. —You cannot call someone who puts in persistent effort—even without any goal—a slacker, but Subaru had not realised that obvious fact.
Emilia's gaze compounds in its slight warmth, perhaps wanting to say something about Subaru's underestimation. Her reaction prompts Subaru to furrow his brows, but ultimately Emilia goes on without saying anything.
Emilia: “It's fine. Anyway, come on tell me why you came here. And huuuuuurrryyyyyy”
Subaru: “No idea what's with the sudden childishness but... ah, okay right. I was thinking if we could go have a walk outside as a refresher...”
Emilia: “—”
Subaru: “...wouldn't really be a refresher at all actually.”
Subaru scratches his head as he senses his screwup. Inferrable by how her bed is set up in a spot separated from the village, Emilia's treatment in SANCTUARY is nothing good.
While the residents of SANCTUARY and Emilia should have a nice relationship, being that they are fellow peoples who stray from their fundamental racial bloodlines, it seems like yes indeed the negative image around half-elves is a special case. It goes for the Arlam evacuees, too. The achievement for their successful escape from the Witch Cult belongs to Subaru, and does not directly improve opinions of Emilia. Emilia's treatment in SANCTUARY is identical to her treatment in the Capital, that of a tumour.
She acted stalwart when with Subaru, but that didn't mean she was comfortable. Just how did she deal with the gazes on her when she was by herself? Being that the situation still has not improved, bringing Emilia outside would just place an unnecessary burden on her.
Subaru: “It's because of this stuff that I'm just so...”
Aggravated at his own thoughtlessness, Subaru punches himself in the forehead. His feelings switch gears with the pain of knuckles to brow. Subaru turns back to face Emilia properly, her eyes wide from his stunt.
Subaru: “Emilia.”
Emilia: “—Mm.”
Seeing how Subaru's expression changes, Emilia senses that the atmosphere has shifted. She fixes her posture, gazing back at Subaru with her amethyst eyes full of quiet calm. Her attitude and expression inform Subaru of the pointlessness of broaching the topic in a roundabout manner. What exactly to say? He puzzles over his opening line for only an instant.
Subaru: “Do you feel like talking with me about what you saw in the TRIAL?”
—Subaru plainly does see the terror and anguish in those wetting, amethyst eyes.
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