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CHAPTER 90: —I'M SORRY 

—Though he had supposedly firmed his resolve, the moment that Subaru witnesses the waves of emotion in her teary eyes, Subaru realises that a horrendous sense of regret is accosting him. 

That one sentence had been him tearing at the scab over Emilia's mental scars. He had used concern as his justifiable reason for clawing at her unhealed wounds. Subaru, too, feels the keen and phantasmal pain that she does. 

Subaru: “The tomb's TRIAL shows you the past... that's what I've heard from everybody.” 

Emilia: “—hk” 

But nevertheless, in search of what lies beyond that pain, Subaru intrudes deeper. A tremor flashes through Emilia's expression as she bites her lip, but her trembling pupils regardless keep Subaru in their gaze. 

Subaru was for now abstaining on any report that he himself had taken the TRIAL. He beat it and so Emilia can beat it too—was the kind of rash remark that he couldn't make, and most importantly his qualifications had been revoked. It wouldn't be strange for it to seem like a consoling lie. If that's what things are going to turn into, then what he has to do instead is just communicate his sincere thoughts about Emilia. 

Subaru: “And that's why I think you had to retreat. Agonizing and ruminating, keeping all of it to yourself... and I know you're going to attempt the TRIAL again tonight, in that state.” 

Emilia: “—” 

In these four repeated worlds, the details of her TRIAL had Emilia neglecting to rely completely on Subaru. Part of that was because Subaru had been basically ignoring her challenge right by determining there no necessity for her to take it, and part of it was because Emilia had no opportunities to be open about it with Subaru. The former problem has been resolved by the fact that only Emilia can challenge the TRIAL now, and the second problem is ideally getting resolved right now here in this instant. 

Emilia's cheeks are stiff as she casts her gaze down. Faced with how her eyes and their long lashes are perfectly avoiding him, Subaru continues. 

Subaru: “But, still.” 

Emilia: “—” 

Subaru: “Could you let me carry some of the heavy baggage on your shoulders? If you have a past you're afraid to look back on, could you let me stand at your side as you challenge it?” 

The downward tilt of her neck stops still as she timidly looks back up at him. Her eyes must not reflect any vision of a weak or uneasy Subaru. He puffs out his chest, accepting her gaze with entirely baseless, abounding confidence. 

Bluffing and baseless confidence, Subaru's great specialities. 

Subaru: “Thinking back on it, Emilia, I still don't know anything about you. I like you. And that's partly because your looks're crazy to my taste, and that substance of yours I've touched in our time together drives me wild.” 

Emilia: “—” 

Subaru: “And so I can say chest held high that I like the you you are now. But when it's about what you experienced, what you've thought, what you've considered before you were the present you... I don't know anything. Because I didn't think I'd need a chance to know. Because the present and future're more important than the past. ...But.” 

Emilia: “...But?” 

Subaru: “Now we're in a place where you have to look back on your past, and if you're saying you're scared to be there alone... would you please qualify me to challenge this inbetween you need to face, the everything that spurred the present you, alongside you?” 

Since his qualifications to suffer the hardships in Emilia's place have been revoked. In this situation, Subaru wants the qualifications to support Emilia from beside her, to let her lean on him, when she is exhausted and near to collapse. It might only amount to temporary peace of mind, but surely there exists an instant where that temporary relief will give her heart ease. 

Emilia: “—” 

Subaru waits intently for Emilia's reply. The wavering of her eyes communicates her intense ambivalence. Hesitation and indecision, guilt and self-hatred. The varied emotions rage inside Emilia's thin body, in voracious frenzy. Quietly, Emilia eventually, 

Emilia: “Y-your being here is... you're already helping me just by being there for me, and so... just, causing more trouble for you isn't...” 

Subaru: “I don't think the trouble you cause is any trouble at all. Being able to do something for you is happiness for me. When you're worried, and want someone to offer you their hand, I want to be the first one reaching out to help you.” 

Emilia: “—hk” 

Again he reports it to Emilia, who weakly attempts to avoid Subaru's proposal. So long as Emilia keeps from any serious refusals, Subaru has no intentions of withdrawing. He knows that he's intruding into topics she doesn't want to talk about. Half-hearted assertions aren't going to shake him. It was not with such a low par of resolve that he forced a contract on Roswaal. 

Further conflicted, Emilia shuts her eyes firm, drooping her head. 

Emilia: “Subaru...” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “Subaru, is your belief in me...” The words that should come next do not leave Emilia's mouth. Before they can happen, her purity  stops her from uttering the unfair statement. She commits nothing so intrinsically disgraceful as doubt the faith of somebody appealing to her with sincerity. The complacency Subaru had once forced on Emilia, instead, was exactly such a deed. 

Emilia's mentality, holding her words despite being cornered, is something of dignity. And so Subaru does not question her back or bring the subject up. Emilia's shoulders slump, regretting of her statement. 

Emilia: “...Tell me what you want to ask, Subaru.” Subaru: “...” Emilia: “If I'm the one saying it, the story will just turn into a mess. ...So you be the one to ask it, 

Subaru.” Subaru: “...Are you okay with this?” Emilia: “—Mm. I think that this is another one of my TRIALS.” Emilia speaks in surrender, her smile fleeting. For a moment, Subaru is lost for words. 

He shakes his head to compose himself, pointing at the bed to indicate a shifting of placement. Subaru: “Anyway, this might wind up being a long talk, so how about we sit?” Emilia: “...We should.” Fixing her posture, Emilia seats herself on the bed. Subaru pulls over a chair, sitting to face Emilia  straight-on. 

Emilia smooths out the wrinkles in her clothes as she waits for Subaru to speak. Having reached the crucial scene, Subaru hesitates for a scant few seconds on what best to ask first, before coming up with words. 

Subaru: “What was the past you saw in the TRIAL like, Emilia? Going by what I've heard from  someone who's taken it, it's... like, something like memories of your regrets.” Subaru asks his question, picking his words so that she won't notice he's experienced it. The first TRIAL is facing your past. But that doesn't mean the past that Subaru saw was an event that had actually happened. It was a fresh theatrical production with his old guilt and his family, symbols  of his regret, as the stage. So just what was the TRIAl like for Emilia? Emilia licks her dry lips, wetting them. Emilia: “The... the past I saw, was... probably, a memory from before my sleep.” 

Subaru: “—? Before your sleep?” Emilia: “Yes, before my sleep. The memory's vague, and pretty unclear, but... I was still little in it, so it has to be.” 

Emilia closes her eyes as she searches her memory, Subaru confused at her confession. He could understand the meaning of 'I was little'. Probably the TRIAL was a past from when she was young. But, 'before my sleep'—that was one Subaru couldn't understand. 

Subaru: “Hold on. What does 'before my sleep' mean? It's not like going to sleep normally at night.” 

Emilia: “No, it's not. Before my sleep means... before I went to sleep inside ice, inside a giant tree in the forest. It's from so, sooo long ago.” Subaru: “Inside ice... Emilia, what?” The context is so lacking that he could nigh suspect she's making it hard to understand on purpose. 

But regardless, Subaru's imagination brandishes its chilled claws, scratching them down his spine. Chest thumping in panicky impatience, Subaru maintains his calm the best he can. Subaru: “Please answer, Emilia. What does 'inside ice, inside a giant tree' mean?” Emilia: “...Exactly what it sounds like.” Subaru: “—” 

After a beat, Emilia informs Subaru. Emilia: “I was frozen along with the tree the whole time. Puck finding me and bringing me out came so, sooo... much later.” 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ 

???: <—I finally found you.> —Whos there? ???: <Sorry, I'm sorry. I am so sorry for leaving you alone. I've been searching forever. Always,  always, always searching for you.> —Where am I? Its so, cold. ???: <I'll get you out right away. By herself, in this lonely place... why'd she have to go through...  why, for such a long time did I...> —But who are you? Whyre you crying? ???: <—Because you're the most darling thing there is. I'm so happy we could meet again.> —Youre glad we met? ???: <Yes. I was... I was reborn for the sake of meeting you.> —Who are you? ???: <I'm... I'm your biggest ally. I'm your number one, strongest ally.> —So, youre my... ???: <—Yes. Yes. From today on, I'm your family. From this very single second on, you'll never be  alone again. —And that I pledge.> —Really? Thats... 

※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ 

Emilia: “—It made me sooo happy.” 

Hand to her chest, Emilia reminisces on the joyous time. Subaru feels his mouth rapidly turning arid as he listens on. 


Emilia, who slept inside the ice. The Prayer Tree, present in her homeland. Emilia spend her time there, frozen alongside its trunk, until Puck saved her. But just how long a time was—? 

Subaru: “Emilia. Is it safe to think that this place you lived in was Elior Forest? The one which's been frozen for a long time, the range of it gradually spreading?” 

Emilia: “Mn, it is. By the time I woke up, they were calling it the Forest of Ice. —But it was a green place with bright sunlight before my sleep, when I was living there with everybody, and it never snowed.” 

Subaru: “Green's... no actually, who's everybody?” 

Subaru only knows snippets about the place. The before and after of Elior Forest is unknown to him. He asks about something else. Emilia: “Everybody's everybody. Who I lived with in the forest's community... all the elves.” Subaru: “The elves... then, your family was there too? Your mom and dad... maybe siblings, too.” 

Emilia: “—” Seeing how Emilia's eyes fill with melancholy, Subaru again senses that his momentum has led him to screw up. Emilia must have said it at some point before. That Puck was her parent surrogate, and the entirety of her family. 

He was supposed to have known that Emilia had lost her family in some fashion. Subaru: “I'm sor... I didn't mean...” Emilia: “It's okay. You're just worried for me. ...But my family wasn't in the forest. Everyone in the  village was nice to me, and they'd smile at me, but... There was nobody in that forest I could call my blood family.” 

Subaru: “...When you say, was nobody. Do you mean your parents were...?” Emilia quietly shakes her head. She fiddles with the ends of her braid, distracting herself. 

Emilia: “They were both gone by the time I was self-aware. Back then, I didn't really think it was strange. ...I did have someone who was like my mom. She was sooo kind, and strong, and cool... I had her.” 

Subaru: “—” 

Emilia: “But she, and everybody... when I fell asleep, they all fell asleep too. Even now, in the woods of Elior Forest, there are many people still asleep and unwaking.” Subaru: “—Wha!?” Emilia speaks dispassionately, as if tasking herself to state only the facts. The information prompts 

Subaru's throat to spasm, but Emilia pays that no mind as she continues. 

Emilia: “After I woke up, me and Puck watched over everybody sleeping. So that someday, when people woke up like I did, they wouldn't go without knowing anything... always, I was there.” Subaru: “...Hold up a second.” The information load in this is dense, and Subaru's brain is struggling to keep up and put it all in  order. 

What on earth happened in Elior Forest, on the day Emilia first saw snow? Subaru: “From what I know, Elior Forest froze... right, I think a little over 100 years ago. I heard that at the Royal Selection's court or somewhere before.” 

Emilia: “Mm. I was sooo surprised too, when I started studies at the mansion and learned it.” 

Subaru: “Meaning you were there when Elior Forest first froze, yeah? Do you know how it happened?” Emilia: “—No, I don't.” Emilia shakes her head. 

Subaru's brows furrows. She looks down, her expression pained. Emilia: “I really don't. My memories on what happened back then aren't clear. I just remember that I  was little, and I was incredibly scared. But because I just kept sleeping forever, those memories are fuzzy too...” Subaru: “The word 'little's come up a few times now, but around how old were you exactly?” Emilia: “...I think probably, I was seven.” Subaru: “Seven... It's safe to count elf years the same way as humans, right?” Emilia nods. 

You count elf ages normally, increasing by one with the passing of each year. Elves are renowned as a long-lived race, and half-elf Emilia would be the same. But that said, the long-lived elves too have a childhood period, and seven-year-old young Emilia was beyond any blame. Though, with some simple math this means that Emilia's current age is 7 + ≥100. 

Subaru: “Age gap's nothing to worry about this late. Being anxious about that turned pointless the moment she was someone from a parallel world.” Emilia: “...Subaru, what's wrong? Was there something funny I...” 

Subaru: “Nope, nope. Just thinking that man you and me do have an age gap.” Alongside him organizing his thoughts and shifting the mood, Subaru jokes around to adjust the atmosphere. Although she most likely has not figured Subaru's intentions, Emilia's tense cheeks do relax somewhat as she gives a small sigh. 

Emilia: “We do,” Emilia: “But because the time I spent unconscious and asleep was so long, I'm not really confident I'm matured to my real age...” 

Subaru: “Really? Don't exactly know how fast Elf aging goes, but if you can use humans as a framework then I'd say you're plenty matured.” 

Subaru stares nonchalantly at Emilia on the bed as he snorts at her worries. Her limbs are fully grown, and her body hosts the curvature of womanhood. Her gloomy, amethyst eyes and uncertain features prominently give her a mysterious beauty, crossing to and fro over the threshold between girl and woman. Emilia was plenty enough femininely matured. 

But it seems like Subaru's thoughts diverge just a bit from what Emilia's worried about. 

Emilia: “No,” 

She shakes her head. 

Emilia: “The ice I slept in didn't stop time, it just put my consciousness to sleep. So, my body kept maturing even inside the ice. The way I had to move my body was different than from before my sleep, and for a while after I woke up, I made so many mistakes.” 

Subaru: “This ice... right, so it had that drawback.” 

Her body had been that of a seven year old, and the change to a fully-grown adult upon awakening must have been chaotic. It's common in anime and manga for children to have their bodies mature suddenly into an adult's, but surely the adaptation couldn't be that easy. A consequence where their brain wasn't meshing to their body correctly and they suffered terrible distress like Emilia was natural. 

Emilia: “Roswaal took me out of the forest, I studied outside... and I learned that I'd slept for nearly 100 years, which shocked me sooo much. I couldn't believe I'd slept that long.” 

Subaru: “Saying you just age normally inside it, if it'd been a race that wasn't long-lived like elves trapped in the ice it'd be all ove...”  r, is what he means to say, when he gets the feeling that he has just heard an incredible truth. Closing his eyes, Subaru quietly puts the numbers together in his head. He calculates, adds and subtracts, and after recalculating it several times to confirm, his confusion morphs into definite suspicion. 

Subaru: “So hey, Emilia... you just said you slept for almost 100 years, right?” 

Emilia: “I did, yes...?” 

Subaru: “And you were about seven before your sleep, right?” 

Emilia: “I was. Subaru, what are...” 

Subaru: “Emilia. How much time's passed since Puck woke you up?” 

From what Subaru's heard, Roswaal bringing Emilia out of the forest happened about half a year ago. Which means Emilia lived with Puck in Elior Forest until then. The problem here is the time it took between her sleep, waking, and meeting Roswaal. 

Her expression still complex, Emilia puts her finger to her lip. Emilia: “...Maybe, six or seven years... I think.” Subaru: “—” Hearing this answer, Subaru's suspicion morphs into absolute conviction. 

This uncovered truth races tremors down Subaru's body. 

Seven years since birth, up to one hundred years asleep, seven years since waking. Which meant the following: —Emilia was around 107 years old. She looked 18 years old. And mentally, she was 14 years old. Subaru: “Real, physical, mental age... none are synced up...” Possible and happening only because she is an elf, a threeway discrepancy between ages. 

This coincided with many questions Subaru had about Emilia's behaviour up to now. Subaru found her rather ignorant to flattery for an over-century-old elf, he couldn't deny the sense of inexperience she had with others, which was disproportionate to her appearance, and the cuteness  of her occasionally childlike attitudes and behaviour did stand out. All of it was a negative side effect from having spent the majority of her life inside the ice. Subaru: “Fourteen... she's no different from Felt...” Why did this girl have to shoulder such a great responsibility? His irritation for the Royal Selection,  and for Roswaal, steadily compounds. Reflecting on how the topic he had brought up to distract the mood had entirely derailed, Subaru cuts into another—related—subject. 

Subaru: “You said before you don't know why the forest was frozen. So what's it you're seeing in  the TRIAL? That fuzzy... memory of before the freezing, that's what you're seeing, yeah?” Emilia: “...I think so. The scenery is almost definitely from before my sleep... and I think the memory really did happen.” 

Subaru: “And so if the memory's scary as it is, then yeah it's gonna be that some crazy something came around to freeze you and the other elves, which you're unconsciously rejecting so...” 

Emilia: “—Wrong.” Subaru: “Well I mean, there's not gonna be anything scarier than that, is there. The TRIAL shows you your biggest regret. Which means what you're seeing's...” 

Emilia: “I told you that you're wrong!” Emilia shouts, her yell destroying Subaru and his unwittingly zealous theory. 

She immediately blinks, regretting that she yelled, but then closes her eyes to dispel her hesitation. Her eyes water as she faces Subaru. Emilia: “What I... saw in the TRIAL, wasn't that. I didn't see that. ...What I, saw was...” Subaru: “E-Ehmil...” Emilia: “—Witch's Spawn.” A chill sharp as an icicle spears through Subaru's spine. 

Emilia buries her face in her hands, hiding her face. Her voice rings quiet, emotionless. 

Emilia: “Seed of Disaster. Silver Wretch. Life Best Unborn. Font of Hatred. Unforgivable Soul. Devil. —Witch-Child.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “Everyone who was nice to me, who smiled at me, then in that cold snow said these things  about me, and...” Emilia's limbs—her body—trembles. Emilia: “I was in the ice for what came after, and I don't remember. But everybody must remember  even now in the ice that they cursed me. Because I've always, always been bearing that curse still.” Subaru: “—” Emilia: “I wanted to free everyone from the ice... and apologize.” Emilia with her face in tears is not here. She looks up, at them, before quietly bowing her head. 

Emilia: “I'm sorry for causing you trouble. —Everybody, I love you.” 1 

1     The term I'm translating as 'Witch-Child' is 魔女の娘 in Japanese, which can mean either 'Daughter of a Witch' or 'Young Girl Who Is a Witch'. Though my instinct says it's 9:1 odds the former, it's not perfectly clear which. So here is my compromise. 





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