Tetsurou wasn't around when I returned home. When I entered the house, it felt much colder indoors than outside, so I put on a duffel coat before spacing out on the sofa in the living room for a while. When my head finally cooled itself off, I thought back on everything Senpai had said to me earlier. I was now calm enough to recognize the bloodstained emotions that were hidden behind Kagurazaka-senpai's exaggerated speech.
When did it start?
When did Senpai start having feelings for me?
That was something I couldn't answer myself. Senpai has been telling me this the entire time, hasn't she? It started the moment we met.
"Therefore, I had already been paying attention to you for a long time already, young man."
"—I want you."
"I think I've already found the Paul McCartney that belongs only to me."
"It's really simple, young man. It's much simpler than what you're thinking inside your head."
Indeed. It was really simple.
I just never noticed it.
But I had no idea what to do, even after coming to that realization. The audition was just around the corner. No wait, Senpai said the live performance and audition had been arranged to prevent Mafuyu and me from spending time alone together. That's just her bringing her personal desires into work-related matters. But then again, that was just the sort of person she was.
I curled myself up on the sofa. My back hurt. I felt something snap; and that was when I realized I had crushed my bass underneath my body. My face turned pale as I quickly pulled the instrument out of its case. Shit, what the heck am I doing? Is it okay? I checked the four knobs, the bridge and the pickup—then heaved a sigh of relief when I realized nothing was broken.
I hugged the bass in my chest, then pulled my feet up on the sofa and curled myself up again. I shouldn't frustrate myself thinking about all these things at a time like this. Why did she bombard me with that lengthy speech of hers when the band is already in such a busy state? And what should I do if Mafuyu comes to know of this? I wasn't sure how well the two girls got along with each other. Senpai teased Mafuyu all the time, and it looked like Mafuyu wasn't too against it; but whenever they played together, the two girls attacked each other with timbres that sounded like two cobras going at each other's necks. You could call it feketerigó's style, but the difference in the tones of the melody was incredibly obvious when the two girls were playing together. My bass, however, was insufficient to carry the middle voice of the melody, and I often wished I could receive some assistance from the sounds of the synthesizer.
Hold on. Oi, now's not the time to be thinking about the band. This is just me running away from reality, isn't it? I knocked my fist against the body of my bass. The thing I should be worrying about at a time like this is—
Should I really not be worrying about the band at a time like this? Am I really okay?
I was disgusted by the various thoughts that were surfacing in my mind. The opposing guitar solos by Mafuyu and Senpai, along with the rhythmic phrases by Chiaki and me, reverberated from afar—and I was unable to stop them from awakening within my ears. I tried to reconstruct the song's missing strings and organs in my mind. Feketerigó lacked a fifth person, but ideas were already floating around in my head. They had come to me when I was listening to Mafuyu's solo rendition of <Happy Xmas>.
The blueprint and program were gradually taking shape.
How ironic. The music was being blocked out of my ears when we were practicing in the room earlier, as I was being overly conscious of Senpai's gazes and words. But here I am, all alone by myself in the house, trying to think about the things Senpai had said to me with a cool head—and yet, the music keeps surging its way into my brain.
Simply put, I was subconsciously trying to find a place to hide.
The god of music will become angry if I keep using music as an excuse to run away from reality. But I had no choice but to do so. It was the only place I could run to.
I stood up from the sofa.
I went to my room, opened the cupboard, and took out an old synthesizer and a toolbox. Looks like I'll have to spend my night like this. But I guess working on machines is a much more productive way of spending the night compared to watching the clock tick while I hide away, distressed, in bed.
At the very least, it'll feel like I'm moving forward.
"Did you not get any sleep at all? The dark circles beneath your eyes are really something!"
Asked Chiaki, as she stared intently at my face. I nodded my head in response while trying my hardest to hold back a yawn. My voice was slightly hoarse.
It was morning at the station platform. The sky was still dark, as the sun hadn't come out yet, but the grayish concrete and Chiaki's checkered red skirt still stung my eyes, since I had stayed up all night.
"I couldn't sleep, so I worked till morning."
I removed the heavy cases from my shoulder and put them on the floor. In addition to my bass, I had also brought along the synthesizer. My hand almost snapped under the weight.
"Something must've happened yesterday, right? But Senpai refused to say anything."
Chiaki's eyes fixated on me, and gradually teared up as she put on a sorrowful expression. Two conflicting feelings flooded my heart. Thank goodness she's not saying anything; but why doesn't she make things easier by voicing it all out? I had no idea if I was nodding or shaking my head.
"Why is no one willing to disclose anything......"
"Why's Chiaki being so gentle with her words?" I thought to myself. Why doesn't she just ask me forcibly to make me "spew it out quickly"? That was how she normally approached things like this. And that was what she did that night I was shaken up by Mafuyu and Yuri's <Kreutzer Sonata>.
But this isn't just my problem alone...... I can't tell Chiaki about it.
"Senpai said 'I love you, please embrace me' to you, right?"
I fell backwards and almost rolled onto the tracks.
"Nao's just too easy to read," laughed Chiaki shyly.
"So you did h-hear everything?"
She heard Senpai asking me to embrace her...... or rather, words that were along that line?
"I didn't hear that much, but I do know that Senpai has been in love with Nao right from the start."
"You knew about it this whole time?" I unconsciously started speaking in a polite manner.
"I should say everyone does. Even the girls in our class."
"Ehhhhhhhhhhh?"
I sat down next to the synthesizer—or maybe I fell flat on the concrete due to the shock. Come to think of it, it's not surprising that that's the case. Kagurazaka-senpai's feelings towards me were clear as day, right from the beginning.
"Forget it, I'm not surprised by this. It's typical for Nao to not realize something like this."
"Uhhh......"
I should just skip my lessons. I couldn't bring myself to face the rest of the world.
I suddenly came into contact with the synthesizer lying next to me.
But I can't do that.
Chiaki squat down opposite of me beside the synthesizer case. It felt like those powerful eyes of hers would capture me if I lifted my head up, so I continued staring at my hands instead.
"Just as I expected, Senpai's really strong."
Chiaki murmured.
"Though I can't understand why she chose to tell you with such bad timing."
That's something...... I don't understand as well. And I was in tatters because of that.
"...... That's something I can't do. I should've been shocked when I heard about this."
Right. Chiaki loved Senpai as well. There was no way she could act like nothing had happened.
"Urm, well, sorry."
"You have no right to apologize to me, so shut up."
I almost stumbled backwards onto the ground when Chiaki rebuffed me with a fierce smile on her face.
"I'm alright. I'm not as strong as Senpai is, so a weird mechanism in my mind will kick in and ask me to take it easy so that everything will remain the same."
"...... Isn't that being strong?"
"That's being weak. This is too hard for Nao to comprehend. You probably wouldn't understand anything even if I explained it to you."
I remained silent when Chiaki pointed her finger at my nose. That may very well be the case.
But there was one thing I was very certain of though: Chiaki's smile was lonelier than the cloudy dawn of early December.
"So, having skipped yesterday's practice, and having spent the whole night thinking, did you figure out what you're going to do?"
What I'm going to do? Where should I escape to? What should I do from now on?
I nodded my head slowly.
In the end, the thing that prevented Senpai and Mafuyu from going on and on for eternity, was the bell that had come from far away.
When I finally stopped my fingers in exhaustion, the night sky faded away. Chiaki's beats slowed down considerably, and Senpai's and Mafuyu's guitars were restraining each other as they stopped their singing and counted the lingering echoes of their counterpart.
None of us spoke for a long time, even after the preparatory bell had finished ringing. The room was filled with a comforting numbness.
"—This has to be our best yet, right?"
Murmured Senpai, with heated breaths. Her eyes were wet.
"The auditions, the actual performance, and even places higher than that—it's all within sight, isn't it?"
I had no idea who started it, but we were all nodding our heads. The synthesizer and the effects unit as well—it felt like they were giving off a satisfied glow in reply.
As the volume of the amplifiers dropped step by step, the lingering heat finally slipped away from our bodies, and replacing it, was the air of reality on our skin.
It was a really scary scene.
When I think back on that, I realize the feketerigó then should've already been torn apart into pieces.
But even so, we were bound tightly together by the music and the machines I had hooked up. Despite the fact that I hadn't replied to Senpai's feelings yet, or my own thoughts.
And that was my first mistake.
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