Seiju no Kuni no Kinju Tsukai - Chapter 61

Chapter - 61 (Sagara Kurohiko)

Eh? 
What just? 
She feels... annoyed? 

"I-If I said something that hurt your feeling then I will apologize. However, Iー" 
"『However』 what?" 
"I...." 

I'm at a loss for words. 
Cecil-san let her foot out of bed and sit on the edge. 
Her high black thighs are already wrinkled. 
A pale skin peeked out from between her skirt and the high tights. <TLN: The so-called Absolute Zone or Zettai Ryoiki... try to google it if you don't know.> 

"You said that I was as if a 『fragile glasswork』, but for me, you're the one who looks like a fragile glasswork you know?" 
"................................." 

Her questioning eyes looked at me. 

"You didn't retort eh. in other words, it hit the mark isn't it." 
"About that..." 

I looked down and crossed my hands. 
I can't find words to rebuke. 

"In the end, you're the same as me. Because you don't want to be hated by anyone, trying desperately to be a 『kind person』 ... I can understand." 

Combing her hair upward, Cecil-san shows a smile, which somehow it gives off a sadistic feeling to it. 

"Because, in the past, I'm also like that." 

Cecil-san crosses her legs. 
Somehow coming from her, that gesture gives off an unbecoming feeling. 

"I feel really irritated when looking at you. it's as if I'm looking at my old self." 

I grip my hand harder... 

"I'm different compared to Cecil-san you know." 
"I guess so. after all, Hibigami made you his 『arch-enemy』, while on the other hand, I'm just a 『disappointment』 after all." 
"Such a thing is... I really respect Cecil-sanー." 
"Respect?" 

A faint irritation appeared from her glare directed toward me. 

"You've always spouting such thing as 『respect』 or 『like』 from your mouth, but, you said that to anybody right? for the sake of being liked by anybody." 
"... It's my true feeling." 
"You said the things about me to Hibigami is because you want to be loved by me right?" 
"Cecil-san, why did you..." 
"Nn? am I wrong?" 
"W-Why did you think of such thing? If you're concerned about what Hibigami had said, please don't mind about it. In the first place, Hibigami only concerned about the forbidden spell." 

Cecil-san turns her face down and grits her teeth. 

"How longー." 
"??" 

Her shoulder shaken slightly as if enduring an extreme anger. 

"How long, are you going to talk to me as if you're above me." 
"....................." 
"Even though every time I call out to you, every time I touch you... each time I do that, even though you always only get embarrassed." <TLN: Implying he's getting embarrassed like an idiot. in this context... filled with contempt.> 
"............................." 

Cecil-san raises her face. 
She scowled at me. 
With a slightly hoarse voice, Cecil-san continue, 

"Even though actually I didn't change." 

She rose from the bed and stand before me who sit on the sofa. 

"And yet... and yet, why did youー" 

A cold expression return to her face once again. 
Her lips show a smile; however, I can feel hostility from her eyes. 

"You're stronger than I do right?" 

Cecil-san holds my right hand. 
And thenー she places my hand on her left breast. 

"C-Cecil-san!? What are you doing!?" 
"If that's the case thenー here, how about you push me down? I've said something cruel right? Then, you can get angry and mess me up!" 
"I-I don't get what you mean!  why did you say such thing?!" 

I don't even have the time to feel my hand who have been pushed to her chest. 

"I'm a glasswork right!? If that's the case, then you can break it easily right!? Go on!" 

She tries to grab my left hand as well. 
However, I brush her hand off. 

If it's glasswork, then I can break it easily. 

I stand up. 
And then I hold both her wrist. 
I also put force in it. 

Howeverー if a fellow glasswork were to bump each other, won't both will break? 

She shows and awkward smile toward me. 

"Fufufu... finally you feel like doing it? that's fine..." 
"No, this is not okay." 

Cecil-san is confirming that I do not have such intention, glared at me with a frustrated expression. 

"L-Let me go!" 

Cecil-san struggles to undo her hands while shaking her head. 
I let go her hands. 
She loses her balance due I released her hands suddenly; However, she managed to hold her ground. 
And then she glared at me. 
However, what overflowed from her eyes are... tears. 

"Cecil-, san?" 
"I know, I know this is only an outburst of anger. I also know that I'd said something nonsensical." 

Cecil-san clenches her hands while her shoulders shake. 

"No matter who comes, I will definitely take out my anger. this feeling that I can't throw,  I should vent it on somebody." 
"........................." 

I see. 
That's why she does not want to meet anybody. 
Because she knows that she would take her anger out to the person she meets. 

"However, everyone is a good person you know? However, about thatー I don't have a say in it. Toward those good people... Zix, Hirgiz, Hana, Banton, I can't get angry at them can't I." 

From her mouth, I can hear a faint sobbing. 

"However, I can't bear it... this miserable. That's why I want to spit it out at somebody. I want to vent my true feelings. While understanding that, I might say something horrible. However, even with that..." 

Is that why you get agitated like that? 
I thought something was strange. 
It's unusual, or rather... 

"It's alright. You don't have to worry about it. S-see, I'm more like a stranger after all! And I don't have any particular bond with people either; thus you can choose me as a partner for your complaint! That's why, please don't mind it!" <TLN: I don't know about you readers, but having one is really help, having someone like Kurohiko I mean... I do have one after all.> 

Cecil-san is grinding her teeth. 

"Like I said, something like that isー." 

Cecil-san glared at me while raising her fist. 
And thenー 

"Something like that is the thing that makes me feel irritated!" 

I was hit 
Or rather, 

"Whyー... Why are you so kind like this!? Why are you didn't get angry!? are you really feel that uneasy with your own true color?! are you really that afraid of being hated by others!?" 
".........................." 
"That's right... I'm also like that! Always worried that other people saw my true color! That's why I try to crush 『myself』 to death and endure it! However, if it's you, you have that personality from the start, isn't it!? You're not just pretending right!?" 
"......................" 
"Uu... Even, the truth is, even I also want to become like 『that』...! Damn it... why I'm not the one who able to read the forbidden spell? Why Hibigami didn't choose me to compete? why... why everyone want me to become 『the girl that being loved by god』!? Why can't I let it pass by naturally when I see you!? And why can't I naturally come to like you!?" 

*pokapoka* 
Like a child, she keeps beating my chest. 
Her disheveled tear-stained face. 
I might be rude to say this kind of things. 
She looks like a really young child. 

"Even though I've done my best like this... however, no one praises me for it! Everyone think that it was natural for me to be able to do everything! However, the truth is I always do my hardest every time you know! I just barely hold myself you know! I, from the start, is not someone who can do anything! What 『the girl that being loved by god』! Iー" 

Cecil-san hands stopped. 
And then she buried her face in my chest and spoke with a voice that seems to about to vanish. 

"Even, I'm just a human..." 

After that, Cecil-san cried calmly for a while. 

................................. 

After her sniff had become small, finally Cecil-san calmed down. 
I let her sit down on her bed while I go back to the sofa. 

"... I'm sorry." 

Cecil-san let out an apology while directed her swollen eyes down. 

"I... I was probably jealous of you. Even though I have to kill my own self to be able become 『the girl that being loved by god』, you're able to surpass that while being yourself naturally... even your power as well. The you who able to do that, I'm really jealous of it. That's why the envy in my heart want to shake that perfection." 

I shed a smile. ............................... 

"Cecil-san, as I had expected, you've misunderstood huh." 
"Misunderstood?" 
"The definition of me that you spoke of is wrong." 
"Indeed... I guess you're right. You're a natural while, on the other hand, Iー" 
"Like I said, that's wrong." 

I could only make a troubled smile. 

"... Kurohiko?" 
"There's no such a thing as me being strong. of course, I'm also not a natural." 

I decide to put a smile on my face. 

"I don't have any confidence in me you know. Thus, just like what Cecil-san had said. I want to be loved... that's right; I want to be loved by everyone. I want to be liked by a gentle person. after all, as far as I can remember, I've almost never had someone that love me." 

I have no memory of someone love me in the former world. 
After all far from it, I'm always alone. 
That's why, when I came to this world, and have someone worried about me, being kind to me, I feel happy. 

"Until now, I have no one that shows me kindness like this. That's why I'm really happy. However, at the same time, I was afraid that I might lose it. I become scared of being hated. If I don't become a 『good person』, I might lose it after all." 

Naturally, I have an expression of self-mockery. 

"Is it weird for someone who wants to be loved to do that?" 
"That is..." 

Cecil-san face downward. 
Rather than don't know what's good as an answer, the air of guilt is drifting around. 
I looked down on my hand. 

"However you see, I also have thought like this you know... if I don't have forbidden spell, will there be anyone that will show their kindness to me like that?... That's why, when I thought if I don't have a forbidden spell, chills run down my spine. However, even without forbidden spell, Cecil-san still being loved by the other. And that is being obtained with your own effort. Including that beautiful appearance. While me... only because of a godsends power." 
"That isー." 
"Can I finish saying all of it? I, for the sake of not being hated by everyone, I play as a 『kind person』, I'm that kind of person you know?" 

A different kind of shaken expression appeared on Cecil-san face. 
In that expression, uneasiness and regret seem to have mixed up. 
Inside me, I also feel a slight regret. 
I don't intend to blame her for it, though. 

"I'm sorry, I just said something a bit nasty just now... but you know, Iー." 

......................... 
No. 
I try to withstand, howeverー my voice has begun shaking. 
I might not make my expression right too. 
After all... 
I'm talking about the things that I don't want to mention myself. 

However, since I've gone this far, I have no choice other than spit it out. 
I also have no intention to stop. 
Perhaps, the truth is I also want to vent my thought to someone as well. 

I put my hand on my face to hide my expression. 
*Gokuri* I gulp down my saliva. 

"I also want to become one you know." 
"Become one?" 
"Become me whom I was unable to become." 

Just like the protagonist from an interesting love comedy light novel, who redo their life. 
I want to start a life where I become like a protagonist from a Hollywood movie Superman and never choose the wrong thing. 
I want to become a strong willed person just like a character from manga, and never be depressed again. 
I want to start a life where I'm being surrounded by girls just like a protagonist from a school-life anime. 

An attractive guy. 
A perfect Superman. 
A strong willed person. 
It might sound immature but refreshing. 

I want to start such life. 
I want to become someone whom I was unable to become. 

I intend to put my effort to change myself. 
Don't bother with hesitation. 
Have a goal. 
Proceed ahead. 
Determination. 
Even now that determination did not change. 
And I have no intention to change. 
However, 

"However a person is not that easy to change... even with forbidden spell, it didn't change my personality immediately. to change, I will become strong; I will put an effort, however, as one expected, by the end of it, inside of me is still 『Sagara Kurohiko』." 

I strongly clench my teeth. 
I fix my breath calmly. 
Howeverー it's no use. 

"However by the end of it, some part of me is still someone who is lower than average person. in the end, I'm still unable to become what I want to become." 

I was unable to stop the things that run down from my eyes. 

"Emm, Kurohiko... I about youー..." 
"Everything that Cecil-san said has proven right. Fragile, I'm a simple person who wants to be loved by everyone thus I try to be kind... I'm that kind of person. Such vulgar part of me." 

After saying all of it, regret began to arise. 
Sure enough, I guess. 

I firmly close my eyes. 
Leave her to me my ass. 
I come here to listen what happen to Cecil-san right? 
Aren't I coming here to hear Cecil-san story? 
Should it be me comfort her while looking cool here right? 

However, it was difficult to suppress the torrent of emotion that come out. 
Damn it. 
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve. 
I raise my face and try to put up a smiling face somehow. 
Not looking serious. 

"The truth is since I've came 『here』, I've been pretty anxious. What if even this place won't accept me?" 

Even now I still consider it. 
The second night since I've come to this world. 
The words that the big man said toward Mia-san who is a demi-human that have no country. 

『Whichever country they go, in order to keep living, they have to sell their own self.』 

At that time, of course, I feel angry because someone said that to Mia-san, but, more than anything, I want to get stronger. 
Howeverー unconsciously I might have some thought that, 

After all, you're an outsider... 

That's why Iー 

"That's why to make the people of this place accept me; I've become desperate. Or so I thought. After all Iー." 

After all, since I've come from Japanー 

"Since I'm an outsider come from Eastern country after all." 

Alright... I should be able to put on a smile now. 

"Kurohiko, I..." 
"Ahahaha... I-I'm really sorry... I began talking something absurd... Ah, emm, I recommended not to become a shut-in alright? Shut oneself away and don't want to have anything to do with people, somehow I feel like I see myself after all~..." 

Cecil-san suddenly stands up and pull my hands. 

"ーー." 

E-Emm... 

Depending on one's point of view currently, I collapsed on the bed with the posture of as if pushing Cecil-san down. 
I mean my head is embraced by Cecil-san and is buried in her chest. 
A smell that not belong to me. 
And then a movement of the lung for breathing together with faint sounds of heart beats. 
This is a bit too close... 

"It's fine you know?" 
"Eh?" 

Cecil-san put her hands on both of my shoulders and pushed it up gently. 
Just like that, I try to raise my upper body. 
Just as our face has come to face to face. 
Our lower half still stick to each other. 
I feel like the sounds of fabric rubbing each other seems so loud right now. 
Wet deep blue eyes are looking at me fixedly. 

"If it's alright with you, I don't mind accepting you." 

Accepting? 
By accepting, is it, emm, that kind of thing? 
Looking at the current situation, I can only think of that... 

"If you like, I offer to become your wife in the future?" 
"W-Wife!?" 
"You did say that you want to raise in the world before right?" 
"Indeed I was but..." 
"It's easy to get a high status if you marry the daughter of Arclight family. The position of my grandparents also will be available too. You would be acknowledged for being superior if I were to invite you to a ball. And also won't that fulfill the pride of man?" 
"Well, that might be so, but..." 
"It's fine for you to think of me as a tool. please feel free to use me to rise." 
"T-Tool you say..." 
"However, I hope you won't neglect me." 
"........................" 

The current Cecil-san atmosphere does not seem to be joking, and her sarcasm from before also disappear. 
Is she...serious? 
She smiles coquettishly. 

"Fufufu, or should we postpone the talks, and 『do it』 first? It's fine you know? If you are willing to accept me of course." 

The sounds of me swallowing my own saliva seems so loud. 

"I have an expectation out of you, you know? That if it's this person, then he will definitely understand me... and that this person 『resemble me』. However, after the incident with Hibigami, I began to wonder if I was wrong. howeverー you said that it's not like that, thus as I expected, you really resemble me. Now we already know one another true feeling. A secret, just between you and me." 

A secret, just between you and me... 

"Don't you think we will become a good couple?" 
"That's why... you did this?" 
"Yes, of course, there's calculation too." 

Cecil-san giggled slightly. 
She does not seem wanting to hide it. 

"Even though I say calculation, the thing that you will get is even greater? I would like for you... to take responsibility, though." 

It won't be an exaggeration if I say that the world most beautiful woman is accepting me. 
Besides, we already convey our real thought with each other. 
In a sense our normal has 『ended』 with what had happened, however; instead, it has become a more comfortable relationship. 
I feel like I will be able to get along well with the current her. 
If I see it objectively, there are no demerits in it. 

"......................" 

However, 

"P-Please don't make light of me too much, Cecil-san." 

Saying that, I went down from the bed. 

"... am I being rejected?. it's not like you're wavering for a moment, though." 
"No, I do need a great determination you know. After all the partner is Cecil-san you know? If we didn't tell each other about our real feeling earlier, this might be dangerous." 
"Fufufu, there you go again saying something irresponsible. you're really a handful man aren't you, seriously..." 

Cecil-san laying sprawled on the bed while looking at the ceiling, she talks as if sounds happy. 

"May I hear the reason why I'm being rejected?" 
"Because I'm not suited for Cecil-san after all." 
"Again saying that kind of thingー." 
"Because it is." 
".........................." 
"I will become a man that suit to be with you. I will put great effort to become one. Then, at the time if Cecil-san still has the same feeling then, I will tell you properly. Well, though that is within the premise that you will wait ne~. And please don't expect too much from it." 

Cecil-san covered her eyes with one of her arms. 
And then she fell silent after laughed in small voice for a moment. 
Silence drifted in the room. 
I waited. 
Because I know that she is going to say something. 
Cecil-san then opened her mouth. 

"I have confidence in waiting, but, isn't that quite the cowardice answer?" 

Cecil-san who still hides her eyes opened her mouth. 
And then what she is saying after that somehow it gives a refreshing feeling for some reason. 

"Just now is really unfair... baka." 

.............................................. 

Up until now, Cecil-san has been piling up a lot of denial feeling. 

About Hibigami. 

Denial of existence. 
The thing which she built desperately was being denied altogether. <TLN: The so-called when all of your hard work to obtain something until you're half dead were only being surmised as "genius."> 
She judges herself to have no value. 
Hibigami said about changing her, but, it gives off the implication of 『though it will be impossible』 meaning in it. 
Cecil-san too, understood about it. 

The trigger is that incident. 
And then she lost sight her 『living place』. 
As a result, she herself no longer know about her own self. 
The thing that she relies upon has disappeared. 
Only gloomy feeling grew larger. 
I guess, that's probably how she feel. 

Rain began pouring down at the imperial city. 
This is the first rain since I came to this world. 
Because I wear overcoat lent to me by Arclight family, my uniform is not that wet. 
At first I was offered to be sent back with a carriage; however, I declined. 
It's because I felt like returning alone while putting in order my own feeling. 

Cecil-san said she would return to attend the academy tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. 
About the soup and bread, somehow it becomes "『to make up for rejecting me』 I want you to feed me" kind of thing, when she comes out from her room, Zix and the other looks relieved. 
Then she apologized for shutting herself inside her room. 
Though her attire is not really in order, she behaves like the usual Cecil Arclight. 

I stopped my steps, and looked into the sky. 

"..........................." 

Somehow, I feel like my relationship with Cecil-san has turn into something strange. 

I began to walk once again. 
And then I have some thought while walking. 

Did I change? 
Or did I'd changed since a long time ago, but, did not notice it myself? 
My own self. 
I wonder what my own self is? 
I don't really understand. 

I don't really understand, butー I should just do what I'm able to do, and want to do. 

First I should make sure that the subjugation of magma monster successful. 
Since tomorrow probably we won't do the subjugation immediately, I should ask Kyurie-san to borrow the sacred cursed sword and bring it to Claris-san and ask her to have a look at it. 

I arrived at the academy and returned to my own home. 
The dinner had been prepared; however, I don't see Mia-san figure. 
Today there's also the matter about Makina-san visit the palace; she must be busy being her lady attendant. 

I throw the overcoat and my uniform to the basket, and keep watching the hot water in the bath heater. 
I submerged myself in hot water, my body which has grown cold becomes warm little by little. 

I get out from the bath. 
I wipe my body with cloth. 

ー*Gara* 

......................... 
Nn? 
*Gara*? 
I looked at the door. 

"He?" 
"Mu?" 
"Kyurie...-san?" 
"Did you just finished your bath?, sorry." 
"Emm, w-why are you here?" 
"Since you didn't answer even when I called out, I entered with my own accord, but,ー Kyaa!, I-I can see it idiot!. as expected, that kind of thing is not good!" 
"Wa!? I-I'm sorry!" 

I covered my important place with clothes immediately. 
Or rather, her screaming voice 『Kyaa』 sounds pretty. 

"N-No, it's not something that you should apologize for. since I'm the one who's at fault." 
"I understand! first please, close the door!" 
"Ah, right. S-Sorry." 

She slammed the door while apologizing which seems to be her real feeling. 

"..........................." 

I began to wear my clothes quickly. 
Uuh, I'm careless... 
Somehow I there's the feeling that my serious mode has been blown up. 


But still, why did Kyurie-san come here at this time, I wonder?