Slayers - Volume 1 - Chapter 3

3: Bad News! They Caught Me (Pretty Sad, I Know...)

I woke up somewhere completely unfamiliar. It looked like a room in some old abandoned church. The stained glass windows were so smashed up that I couldn’t even tell what old legend they were supposed to be depicting, and the dingy walls were lined with statues of old, long forgotten holy figures. I briefly wondered if this might be karma in action for me... but I brushed the thought aside. This was no time for introspection!

The left side of my head was pounding, but on the bright side, at least that meant I wasn’t dead! My captors had tied my hands together to dangle me from the ceiling. I could see Zelgadis standing in front of me alongside Zolf the mummy man. Dilgear the werewolf was with them too, as well as a fourth guy I’d never seen before.

The fourth guy was a fishman. And no, not the kind of Ragon or Gillman “just a normal dude covered in scales” type you’re probably picturing. This guy was more like a fish with arms and legs. His body was almost completely flat. His big ol’ fish head was flat too, with two large, glassy eyes on either side. He was covered with shiny, slimy scales, and his tiny mouth hung vacantly open. We’re talking full-on fish face, here, okay? He was definitely not the kind of dude you wanted to see up close and personal if you had a bad heart.

The only person I didn’t see around was the old fighter-type guy.

Anyway, Zelgadis was the first to say anything.

“You sure didn’t put up much of a fight, young lady.”

Lay off, buddy!

“You should thank Zolf. I wanted to kill you, but he asked that we bring you here alive.”

“Gee, thanks a bunch!” I said with an airy laugh.

“Hmm... You don’t seem particularly distressed,” commented Zolf.

“Forget about me. Where’s my companion?” I asked.

“That man? He buggered off and left you behind. You got dumped, kid,” sneered Dilgear.

“Oh? Too bad for you, huh?” I scoffed.

“Indeed,” Zelgadis sighed. “I didn’t expect you to leave it with him... but that means keeping you alive was the right thing to do. After all, he might still return to save you.”

“Hey, what’re you talking about?” Dilgear asked.

“This woman doesn’t have the idol.”

“What?!” everyone—except me and Zelgadis—cried in unison.

“Did you check everywhere?” Dilgear asked dubiously.

Indignant, Zelgadis replied, “Where exactly do you think she could be hiding it?”

And, uh, just so you readers don’t go getting the wrong idea... It wasn’t like they’d strung me up naked or anything. I was in my normal outfit—sans cape and sword, of course. And while small, the idol was definitely big enough that it would’ve been obvious if I were hiding it somewhere on my person.

But Dilgear remained skeptical. He circled me, inspecting me carefully.

“Hmm, you have a point... No, wait. She’s a woman. She could be hiding it in her... Nah, no way. Something like that stuffed up there would tear her up inside!” he said, laughing at his own vile joke.

I could feel my face turn bright red.

“But if that man has the orichalcum statuette, I wonder why I can’t track it anymore,” Zelgadis mused, getting the conversation back on track.

“I didn’t know which item you were after when I handed ’em over, so I cast ‘Protect’ on the whole lot just to be sure.”

“‘Protect’?”

“Yeah. It wards off search spells. You won’t be able to locate the idol through the astral plane anymore.”

“You can do that?” Zelgadis asked, sounding almost impressed.

“Child’s play,” I bragged.

Hah! In your face!

“If you’re capable of something like that, then why did you limit yourself to such minor spells when we fought?”

“You weren’t exactly showing your whole hand either, y’know?”

“Oh, you could tell?”

“But of course!”

“You seem a rather clever girl. That being the case, the weakness of your spells suggests...” he mused. Then, after about a minute, he clapped his hands together in realization. “Ah, it’s that time of the month.”

“Lay off, dammit!” I shouted, even brighter red than before.

“Don’t worry. We won’t kill you until that man comes for you. Zolf, do what you will with her in the meantime. Just leave her alive.”

Well, that was ominous.

“By all means,” Zolf chuckled in a menacing fashion.

Oh, I didn’t like where this was going at all...

“Now, little miss,” Zolf said in a sinister tone as he turned to me. “You’ve done so much for me these past few days, and now I’d like to return the favor. Any suggestions?”

Uh-oh. We got a real wannabe badass on our hands. I just can’t help myself with guys like this...

“Zolf, please...” I said in a hushed voice.

“Yes?” he replied, beaming with confidence.

“Before you begin, I beg of you... Permit me to say just one thing.”

“If it’s pleading for me to spare you, don’t bother.”

“It’s not that.”

“All right. Out with it, then.”

I stared straight into Zolf’s eyes, and then said without flinching, “Hack.”

The room exploded in laughter.

Hah! That one really went over, huh? I mean, I knew it was good, but I didn’t expect it to slay like that... Everyone (except for Zolf, obviously) was busting a gut. Even Zelgadis turned away, hunched over, his shoulders trembling with laughter.

See? I told you I just can’t help myself! Unfortunately, however, I personally wasn’t in much of a position to join them in laughter. I’d figured Zolf would get angry and make a scene, but he just kept staring at me with hardened, resolute eyes.

It was kind of freaky, actually!

Once the laughter finally died down, Zolf turned and called out to the werewolf next to him in a flat, unfeeling voice.

“Dilgear.”

“Y-Yeah?”

“Rape her.”

“What?!”

All eyes turned to the source of the cry... but it wasn’t me; it was Dilgear himself. He’d objected to Zolf’s command before I even had the chance.

“You’re joking, right?” he squeaked at last.

“What? No... I was completely serious,” Zolf replied.

“Come on, man, don’t make me do this. If it were a busty goblin babe or a cyclops cutie, then maybe... But why do I have to get nasty with some squirrely human girl? I don’t even think I could get it up for that...”

Hey!

“I guess it takes all kinds,” Zelgadis shrugged. “Dilgear just isn’t sexually attracted to humans.”

Yeah, okay. I guess it was the same logic that would prevent a human man from being attracted to a female goblin. Not to say some guys aren’t into that, but still...

Still, you don’t have to make it sound like goblins and cyclopses are prettier than me!

For a minute, I was actually about to make a fuss about it. Fortunately, I managed to keep my cool. I mean, it’s not like I actually wanted to convince him to go through with it! I’d just have to get my revenge later.

“Fine, then. Nunsa!” Zolf shouted, now turning to the fishman—the super-creepy one. “You rape her!”

“Rape... her?” the fishman responded sluggishly.

“Yes!”

“You mean to... engage in... procreation... with her?”

“Er... yes, I suppose...”

It was clear Zolf didn’t have high hopes for this accomplice either. But in defiance of all expectation...

“Okay... if that’s what you want...”

“Hang on!”

This time, it really was me who screamed.

You’ve gotta be kidding! I’d rather go around making out with random people on the street than so much as shake hands with this piscine weirdo! And now, and now... now I had to get it on with him?! I’d rather die!

“Yes, wonderful! How very decisive! You’re a true man’s man, Nunsa!” Zolf cheered, regaining his excitement.

Nunsa, the fish guy, slowly approached me. Each step he took sounded like a damp rag dragging across the floor.

“No! Stay back, you creep! Stay back!”

“You’re so lucky...” Nunsa said in his sluggish voice. “You get to breed with me, the handsomest man in my village...”

“Handsome, my ass! Stay back! Oh, you’re killing me! Don’t come any closer!”

“Yes! Cry! Scream! Tremble with fear! You’ll rue the day you ever defied me!” Zolf shouted triumphantly.

I really was trembling with fear at this point. Nunsa stepped closer, his face just inches from mine.

“Okay...” he said, still languid.

I was too afraid to make a sound.

“Now... lay your eggs.”

......

Silence. Absolute silence.

Not a soul in the room had any idea what Nunsa was getting at. We all stared at him, utterly dumbfounded.

“What’s wrong?” Nunsa asked.

“Hey...” said Dilgear first. “What exactly do eggs have to do with this, Nunsa?”

Nunsa looked over at the werewolf. If he were physically capable of facial expression, I believe the current look on his face would have been one of bafflement.

“Well... I can’t procreate without eggs...” he said, as if this were total common sense.

“Ah!” Zelgadis exclaimed, clapping his hands together. “Fishmen reproduce differently than we do.”

“What?” Zolf asked, his eyes narrowed suspiciously.

Oh, of course...

“Tell us, Nunsa. How do your people have children?” Zelgadis asked.

“The female lays the eggs... and the male fertilizes them. Then you leave the eggs in a moist place... and fifty days later... hatchlings emerge...”

Yup, figures. They reproduced more like fish than men.

“What in the...” Zolf muttered before laying into Nunsa. “You could have said so earlier, you know?!”

“I didn’t realize... that your breeding process was different than ours...”

“Why, you—”

“Hang on, Zolf,” Dilgear interrupted. “Instead of barking at us, why don’t you just man up and do it yourself? Or have Rodimus do it? You’re both human, at least.”

“Rodimus has his knight complex. You know, that old-fashioned nonsense about chivalry and all. He’s not even here right now because we’re ‘bullying a child.’ He’d never do it, even if I got on my hands and knees and begged.”

I was guessing “Rodimus” was the middle-aged swordsman.

“As for me, I’m covered in burns—thanks to her, no less. Anything I do would be harder on me than her.”

“Then... maybe just don’t do it at all?”

“Wait, there’s still...” Zolf murmured, now turning his gaze to Zelgadis.

“H-Hey, just a minute now,” the golem man started in a panic. “Don’t look at me. I’m not into sex with women who are crying and screaming.”

“Aw, c’mooon...” Zolf pleaded tearfully.

What the hell? Are you crying? What are you, a child?!

My relief at all this was quickly turning to overconfidence.

“Then you leave me no choice...” Zolf grumbled.

Ah, he was starting to bounce back.

“I’ll try a different tactic.”

No, no bouncing back! Stop!

“First things first...” he said, pulling out a rag about the size of a handkerchief.

“Wh-What are you gonna do?!”

Zolf ignored my question and walked around behind me.

“Don’t just stand there! Tell m— Mmph!” I shouted, interrupted by a sudden gag in my mouth.

“There. Not another word out of you,” he said, casually walking back around in front of me. “Now, let us proceed.”

What in the world is he...?

Zolf leered at me, his lips curling up into a snide grin.

“Shrimp.”

“Mmgh! [Hey!]”

“Ugly.”

“Hrgh! [Damn you!]”

“Brat. Washboard. Shrew. Snot-nosed kid. Beady-eyed twit. Half-baked wannabe.”

And so on and so forth. Zolf’s insults kept coming fast and furious.

Argh! It was the worst! I’d never lose a trash-talking duel so long as I could, y’know, talk!

You think you’re pretty hot, huh? You’re short and bowlegged, not to mention a total creep! I bet under all those bandages you’re just as ugly as you are stupid! Where does a guy like you get off making fun of someone else’s personality and looks?! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black!

“...I think you’ve made your point,” Zelgadis finally said, though he sounded a little done with the whole thing. “But I have to say, this is all extremely childish. Shouldn’t you try something a bit more... you know...”

“She called me a hack! I will have my revenge!” Zolf shouted.

He was clearly enraged. But me? I was livid.

“@%$! #%@#&! $*&@@%!” I shouted, slamming him with the kind of profanity that most people would label “fighting words.” But thanks to the gag, it all came out as, “Mmgh! Ffmgh! Rrrgh!”

“What’s the matter? Don’t like that, do you? Hah! Fight back if you hate it so much! Go on! Do your worst!”

Th-This little...!

“Mmm! Mmrgh! [You! You’ll pay for this!]”

I swear I’ll get you back one of these days!

Eventually, the day began to wane. Orange light streamed in through the small transom windows, illuminating the old statues that lined the opposite wall. As the hours crept by, that orange light faded too, giving way to an indigo darkness that cloaked both the world outside and the small room where I was being held.

My captors didn’t seem to have any particular plans for me after Zolf’s insult session. They’d all left the room, leaving me on my own. With no lamps around, my only source of light was the starlight through the windows. My wrists hurt. I couldn’t exactly get a good night’s sleep dangling from the ceiling, but the exhaustion of the day was catching up with me. By and by, I started to nod off.

I don’t know how long I dozed like that, but I snapped wide awake when I heard the door to the room creak open. Someone was coming in.

“Stay quiet,” a voice whispered. It was Zelgadis.

But why did he want me to stay quiet? He appeared to be carrying something, though it was too dark for me to make out what.

I caught a glimpse, however, of a flash through the air. I yelped and hit the floor with a thud.

“Your sword and cape,” Zelgadis offered.

“Huh?”

I removed the gag in my mouth and took the items in question. No doubt about it; they were mine.

“What’s this all about?” I asked.

“No time to explain,” he said. “Do you want to get out of here or not?”

There was only one answer to that question. I nodded wordlessly as I slung on my sword and cape.

“Then follow me,” Zelgadis whispered.

I quietly tailed him, sneaking all the while. This all seemed like pretty obvious trap material, but I couldn’t puzzle out the setup. Well, wherever this was going, it had to be better than dangling from the ceiling all night.

We quickly made it outside. Moonlight beamed down upon the deep black forest and the dilapidated old church. A narrow path led from the building into the woods.

“Go,” Zelgadis said.

“But...” I hesitated.

This seemed too good to be true—which meant it most definitely was. Word to the wise: “convenient” rarely goes hand-in-hand with “trustworthy.”

“Circumstances have changed,” he said with mild annoyance. “So just go already!”

“...Fine.”

If this turned out to be a trap, I’d cross that bridge when I got there! I took off running down the road toward the forest... and came to a cold stop.

A haunting red shadow was lurking at the start of the treeline. It seemed Zelgadis had spotted the shadow too; I could hear him ruefully click his tongue behind me. Taking a closer look, I saw who it was for myself: the man who’d called himself Rezo the Red Priest.

“What are you doing, Zelgadis? Are you letting her escape?” Rezo asked. “I always knew your heart wasn’t fully in the cause... but this is nothing short of insurrection.”

“Shut up!” Zelgadis shouted, desperation in his voice. He was clearly afraid of Rezo. “I’m not doing this with you anymore!”

“Oh... aren’t you?” Rezo said quietly.

His expression was just as inscrutable as it had been the night I met him, making it impossible to get a read on the guy.

“I fulfilled your wish and made you what you are,” he said. “Yet you repay my gift of power with betrayal?”

Say what?!

“That was no gift!” Zelgadis shouted. “I know I said I wanted power... but I never asked to be turned into a chimera!”

“It was the easiest way to grant you the power you sought. But regardless of your reasons for making it, if this is your decision, then I suppose we are due a reckoning.”

Zelgadis’s response to that was to run over to me and grab me from behind.

“H-Hey!”

He then slowly began walking forward with me. Rezo hummed in amusement at this.

“You think you can escape using the girl as a shield? How foolish of you... Do you really think that will stop me?”

“Of course not!” Zelgadis howled, with more than a little desperation.

He was probably trying to disguise the terror he was feeling, but I still would’ve appreciated it if he didn’t shout right in my ear...

“I know I can’t get away using her as a shield. No, not as a shield...” he said with strange emphasis on that last part.

And right on cue, I felt my body lift off the ground. He wasn’t really gonna...

“Gwah!”

No, he really was!

The next thing I knew, I was flying through the air. That’s right. Zelgadis freaking threw me at Rezo! Even Rezo was surprised by this, because, I mean, who wouldn’t be? He quickly stepped out of the way, leaving me sailing toward the treeline.

Yeeeeek! I flailed my arms and legs, trying to right myself in midair... but it wasn’t enough.

Splat!

I hit the tree head-on, my arms and legs wrapping around it reflexively.

“Koala!” I joked nonsensically in an attempt to distract myself from the pain shooting through my entire body.

“No time for foolishness!” Zelgadis rebuffed me, immediately plucking me from the tree.

He must have been right on my heels, zooming past Rezo as soon as he threw me. He launched a Fireball behind us as he started running again, clearly trying to hold the priest at bay as we gained some distance.

“You could be a little more gentle, you know!” I shouted.

“I’ll hear all your grievances once we’re safe!” he shouted back.

He kept one arm firmly wrapped around me while tossing a few more Fireballs with the other. And like that, we made off into the darkness.

“I think we finally lost him...”

Dawn was starting to break by the time Zelgadis finally stopped to take a breather on the bank of a river cutting through the forest. We were some ways off the main road and there was a small waterfall nearby, so there was no need to worry about being overheard here even if we got to talking in our normal voices.

I honestly had to admire this guy’s stamina. He’d been running around all night carrying me, while all I’d done the whole time was rub my sore wrists and nose.

“My nose hurts,” I whined.

“What’s wrong? Syphilis?” he said casually.

“Jerk...”

I plopped down onto the ground. The rocks were nice and cool to the touch, and the idea of lying down right now was like heaven. I’d barely gotten a wink of sleep last night, and let me tell you, it was taking its toll. I’m a little more petite than most, see, and while that does make me pretty fast and agile, it also means I run out of steam faster than your typical fighter.

“Maybe we’ll rest here awhile. I’m getting tired too,” Zelgadis practically muttered to himself.

Score!

“...But don’t even think of running away while I’m sleeping,” he added.

“Wouldn’t dream of it. I’m exhausted too, remember? Besides, I’ve only recovered a little of my magic.”

“Oh?” he said, sounding impressed. “That means you’ve recovered some?”

“The point is that I’m not going anywhere. But before we hit the hay, you mind telling me what’s going on here?”

Zelgadis flashed a bitter smile.

“Fair enough. You’re in this pretty deep now, so I owe you an explanation. The question is where to start...”

“How about with the guy calling himself Rezo the Red Priest?”

“I see, so he’s been in contact with you already...”

“Who is he, really?”

“He’s who he says he is: Rezo the Red Priest, the one and only,” Zelgadis answered with a shrug. “People might talk about him like he’s a saint, but you caught a glimpse of who he really is. I’ve been told he wasn’t always like this, but I have to wonder...”

“Wait, ‘who he really is’? What’s this guy been up to since he left the public eye?”

“What do you think? Searching for something.”

“So he’s really the one trying to revive Dark Lord Shabranigdu, and not you?”

My question was met with a blank stare of confusion.

“Shabranigdu?” Zelgadis asked. “What are you talking about?”

“Huh?”

“The item he ordered us to search for... I might as well tell you. It’s actually the famous Philosopher’s Stone.”

Whoa, really? Boy, what do you say to a thing like that?

“Y-You mean...” I stammered.

Zelgadis gave me a slight nod and said, “The Philosopher’s Stone is inside of that idol.”

The Philosopher’s Stone... Anyone who practiced magic knew that name well. There were all kinds of theories about it. Some said that it had been produced by an ancient super-sorcerer culture, others said that it was a shard of the “Staff of the Gods” which held up our world. The only real consensus was that the stone was an amplifier of magical power—and an extremely potent one at that.

The Philosopher’s Stone had only ever been seen a handful of times before. But it was so well known because, every time it did appear, it changed the course of history. Once, a mere apprentice sorcerer had used it to bring an entire kingdom to ruin. It sounded like the stuff of legends, but as far as I knew, the Philosopher’s Stone was very real. Not that I’d ever expected to see it personally...

“So... what the heck does he want with it?” I dared to ask.

If Rezo was anything like the rumors said, he was already incredibly powerful. And if he wanted the Philosopher’s Stone on top of that...

“Please don’t tell me he’s after world domination.”

At that, Zelgadis shook his head and said, “No... But he did tell me once, ‘All I want is to see the world.’”

“He wants... to see the world?”

“Yes. The rumors about Rezo are true: he was born blind. The only reason he learned white magic in the first place was in an attempt to open his eyes. Once he mastered the art, he traveled the world, performing miracles and saving people far and wide... but that was all just practice in service of his original goal.

“Yet even though he could restore the sight of others, for some reason, he was never able to do it for himself. He came to the conclusion that he must be lacking something, and thus began dabbling in shamanistic and black magic as well. He thought that by somehow combining them with white magic, he would be able to create even more powerful spells. And while he succeeded in achieving prodigious levels of magical growth and prowess... even then, vision still eluded him. That’s when he set his eye on...”

“The fabled Philosopher’s Stone?” I asked.

Zelgadis nodded.

“So why are you trying to keep him from getting it, then?” I continued. “Why is it anyone’s business if he gets his sight back or not?”

“It’s not about that... I’m not really trying to stop him. I’m trying to kill him. And in order to do that, I need the Philosopher’s Stone. I hate to admit it, but I’m not strong enough to do the deed without it,” explained Zelgadis with a stone-cold expression that lent credence to his candor.

“Is Rezo really that powerful?” I asked.

Zelgadis only answered with a silent nod. If a sorcerer of his caliber was saying that he couldn’t beat Rezo, then the Red Priest must really be something else.

“If you want to kill the guy that badly... then is it true that he’s the one who put you in that body?”

“Yes. One day, he offered me great power in exchange for helping him find the Philosopher’s Stone. I agreed without considering the implications of his offer...” Zelgadis explained, clear hatred in his voice.

“How’d you two even meet, anyway?”

I was hoping to lift the mood with that one, but Zelgadis flashed a self-reproaching smile and took a few moments before answering.

“I’ve known him my whole life. He must be my grandfather or my great-grandfather, I think... I don’t know for certain, and I don’t really care to.”

“What?!”

“Despite his appearance, I believe he’s at least a hundred years old. But the point is that I have the blood of the great pretender-to-sainthood, Rezo, running through my veins.”

“Sorry I asked...”

Oof, so awkward... I scratched the tip of my nose with my finger.

“It’s all right,” he said, drifting into melancholy.

Good grief... This was way too depressing to deal with right now.

“Well, uh, I guess that brings me up to speed... So let’s get some rest, okay?” I said, forcing a cheerful tone and collapsing on the ground (which felt amazing, by the way). “You wanna sleep too? You’re tired, aren’t you?”

“I am... but we could still be ambushed. I’ll stand watch for now. I’ll wake you in a bit, and we can trade places.”

“Perfect. Nighty-night, then,” I said as I closed my eyes. I was fast asleep in no time.

When I opened my eyes next, I could tell not much time had passed based on the angle of the sun and my body’s angry protests vis-a-vis the concept of being awake again... But what had woken me up was a palpable hostility, and from multiple sources, no less. I was capable of singling out—through instinct alone, not magic—up to ten hostiles around me. And because I couldn’t get a proper headcount right now, I knew it had to be more than that.

“We’re surrounded,” Zelgadis said casually.

He wasn’t trying to keep his voice down. The enemy clearly knew where we were, so trying to be stealthy now was pointless.

“How many?” I asked.

“Twenty or thirty trolls, I think. Rezo doesn’t seem to be with them, so we can probably handle them ourselves.”

He sounded pretty chill about the whole thing, though I had my doubts as to whether or not his cool confidence was justified...

“Come on out. I’m sure you know we’ve spotted you. Let’s finish this already, Boss Zel,” called a familiar voice.

I stood up on the spot and could see Zelgadis had been right on the mark. There were trolls flitting about among the trees.

I raised my voice to respond, “Hello there, Master Dilgear. Out on long patrol, huh? Tough work.”

When he heard me call out to him, the werewolf stepped out from behind a tree. He was closer than I’d imagined.

“You remember my name? I’m flattered.”

“How could I forget?” I replied, fixing a glare on Dilgear. “You said all that stuff about me. You know, about how I was less sexy than a goblin, and how you’d rather kiss a cyclops, and how I’ve got rougher skin than a rock golem, and how I’m shorter than a pixie...”

“...I don’t remember saying all that.”

“The point is, Zelgadis here is gonna avenge my honor! Now go, Zelgadis! The world is waiting for you! Go, great hero! Go!”

“Is there anything to be done about that personality of yours?” Zelgadis said with a sidelong glance at me.

“Not a thing,” I responded.

It’s not like I do this for my own gratification. I only act the way I do to get enemies’ guard down. (Honest! Really!)

“Didn’t you swear loyalty to me, Dilgear?” Zelgadis asked with pointed ferocity.

But the werewolf just snorted in response, “I didn’t swear loyalty to you, Zelgadis. I swore loyalty to the Red Priest’s mad swordsman. You betrayed Lord Rezo, so now we’re enemies!”

“Hmm...” Zelgadis’s eyes narrowed into slits. He looked every bit the spellsword he was. “You think a pathetic werewolf like you can beat me?”

“I’m pathetic, am I? Maybe I’ll show you what a werewolf can really do. Get him!” Dilgear howled.

The swarm of armed trolls was on us in an instant. How dumb can you be?

With a small smirk on his face, Zelgadis raised his right hand high. Then, as if grasping something invisible in his palm, he slammed it down into the ground below.

“Dug Haute!”

Whoa! I quickly jumped behind Zelgadis. The earth rumbled at first, then began to ripple like water. It then surged and broke into waves, sending the trolls into a panic.

“Hah!” With a smile that did indeed make him look a little mad, Zelgadis held his right hand aloft again. “Earth below, serve my will!”

The ground beneath him answered Zelgadis’s call. The earth roiled and raged, then suddenly burst upward in countless spikes that skewered the lot of trolls!

Just like that, the battle was over.

The stone spikes had piked the trolls, hoisting them into the air. Many were still breathing, but even with their regenerative powers, their wounds couldn’t close in this state. The life slowly drained from them until, at last, they were all dead.

It was a torturous way to go. I thought about saying something, but held back. I didn’t really have a leg to stand on after my reverse-recovery spell stunt just a few days ago.

“Now,” Zelgadis said with an icy smile. “You were going to show me what you could do, weren’t you? Or did you just lose your nerve?”

“Tsk...” Dilgear stepped out from behind one of the stone spikes. “I get why they call you Rezo’s mad swordsman... As long as you have that shamanistic magic, there’s no way I can beat you.”

“Oh?” Zelgadis said mockingly. “You make it sound as though you could beat me if it came down to pure swordsmanship.”

“I would say that I could, yeah,” Dilgear smirked.

“Then let’s put that to the test,” Zelgadis returned, drawing his sword smoothly.

“You’ll just use your magic if I start to win,” Dilgear replied without returning the gesture.

“I won’t.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Well, it’s your funeral...”

The werewolf at last drew his sword in one clean stroke. It looked like an especially long scimitar that shone with a sinister glint when he held it up in the midday sun.

I knew I was going to get caught up in the fray if I just stood there gawking, so I drew back a few paces to give the boys their space.

“Graaawr!”

Dilgear unleashed a bestial cry and dashed at Zelgadis, who leaped at him in turn. They met head-on, sparks flying from their clashing swords.

Zelgadis pushed back against the werewolf’s blow and laughed, “Hah! What’s wrong, Dilgear? I thought you could beat me in a swordfight.”

“I’m just getting started, Boss Zel!”

Dilgear gave his scimitar a light twist to divert the force behind Zelgadis’s broadsword. Then, estimating just where the sword would fly, he slipped to the side and swung his scimitar through the air at chest-level. Zelgadis dodged the sweeping blow by a hair.

“Not bad at all.”

“I’m flattered.”

I estimated they were about equal in terms of skill, but Dilgear didn’t seem nearly as confident as Zelgadis. I bet he really was planning to fall back on his magic if he had to.

But hey, I’m not taking sides here! After all, both Rezo and Zelgadis saw me as nothing but a tool to help them get their hands on the Philosopher’s Stone, so it didn’t much matter to me whose hostage I ended up being.

The two fighters slowly approached each other. I thought about taking the opportunity to run, but if Zelgadis caught me making a break for it, I’d be in for a volley of magic for my troubles.

“Hyah!” Dilgear roared as he made his move.

He leaped to the side, ran up to one of the stone spikes left from Zelgadis’s Dug Haute, and swung hard at it with his scimitar. It was an unstable magical structure, so it easily shattered under his blade, sending rubble flying at Zelgadis.

“Wah!” I let out a yelp and reeled back as Dilgear smashed a second, then a third spike.

It quickly cloaked the area in a cloud of dust and debris that swallowed Zelgadis, obscuring him from view. Dilgear, however, fiercely charged right into the cloud.

Meanwhile, I was hacking and coughing. I’d just been a bystander up until this point, but now I was personally contending with a lungful of dust cloud. I held my breath, yanked a handkerchief out of my pocket, and used it to cover my nose and mouth. Ah, my eyes were stinging...

While I was busy with that, the two combatants flew out of the cloud. The dust was settling quickly; it didn’t seem Dilgear’s big diversion had panned out in his favor. Despite his decisiveness and flare for the dramatic, he didn’t really think his actions through very well... You see a lot of folks like that in life, I guess.

“That was a pointless little trick,” Zelgadis said in a mocking voice. “How can one man run his mouth so much with so little to show for it? It’s almost impressive.”

“Shut up!” Dilgear cried, charging in again.

“Heh,” Zelgadis chuckled.

Although... it looked like he lost his footing for a moment as he laughed. In the blink of an eye, Dilgear closed in on him. They crossed paths, Zelgadis’s sword catching Dilgear’s shoulder in the process.

I could tell what had happened. When it looked like Zelgadis had lost his balance, he was really using his feet—which were still obscured by the remnants of the dust cloud—to kick a rock or something right at Dilgear. It didn’t do much to hurt him, but it had succeeded in throwing him off track.

“Well? I’m still waiting for my funeral,” Zelgadis said sarcastically to the werewolf, who was now bleeding from the shoulder.

“Just be patient,” Dilgear laughed.

My eyes went wide. Zelgadis’s did too as we stood there and watched the werewolf’s wound begin to close. In a matter of seconds, the gaping slash had completely healed as if it were never there.

“Did you forget I was half-troll? If you want to beat me with the sword—and you said you would—you’ll have to cut off my head in one swipe! I wonder if you can...”

Of course! If this guy had a troll’s regenerative powers, then beheading him was about the only way to beat him with a sword alone. Zelgadis, however, showed no sign of panic.

“Indeed, I had forgotten about that,” he said, readying his sword again to go on the offensive. “Grah!”

He raised his broadsword aloft to bring it down on Dilgear’s head—not good! He’d left his midsection wide open, and Dilgear didn’t miss his chance to lunge at it!

“Hngh!”

Dilgear’s scimitar slashed Zelgadis’s stomach. I expected a spray of blood...

But all that came was a hard clinking sound.

“You also seem to have forgotten... I’m part rock golem,” Zelgadis revealed, standing tall with a calm smile. “If you want to best me with a blade, it would have to be the Sword of Light. Which means you can never defeat me, no matter how hard you try.”

A look of despair befell Dilgear.

“So do you wish to meet your doom here, or will you go crying back to Rezo? Which will it be?”

“Tch!”

Dilgear turned to retreat, but threw something like a pebble from his pocket as he did. Zelgadis only had to take a step to the side to dodge it, and whatever it was splashed uselessly into the river behind him.

“I’ll get you yet!” Dilgear shouted (oof, mega-cliche!) as he disappeared into the forest.

Zelgadis just watched him go, making no attempt to pursue him.

“Pathetic,” he said, brushing a hand through his slightly ruffled hair.

“Wow, Master Zelgadis! You’re so strong! That was magnificent!” I proclaimed, greeting the victor with a round of applause.

Zelgadis took it about as well as you’d expect.

“Could you stop?” he said plainly.

“But I’m congratulating you!”

“Uh-huh.”

He decided to give up on the verbal spar, and walked swiftly past me on his way to the river.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“To get some water,” he replied brusquely.

“Good idea. I’d better wash up, too...”

I jogged after Zelgadis. The spell he’d used earlier messed up the ground enough that traversing it was a dicey affair, but I eventually made it to the riverbed, took off my gloves, and filled my hands with cold water.

Man, that sure feels nice! Huh? Wait a minute...

“Don’t drink it! It’s poisoned!” I cried.

Apparently surprised by my sudden declaration, Zelgadis promptly spat out what was in his mouth.

“What did you just say?”

“The water’s poisoned! Poisoned, I tell you! Look!” I said, pointing upstream.

There were a few fish drifting our way... but they were floating, not swimming.

“Who could have done this?” Zelgadis muttered pensively.

“Dilgear, I assume. That pebble-looking thing he threw earlier must have been a vial of poison or something. He probably knew you’d go to get a drink after the fight.”

“Aha,” Zelgadis hummed, sounding oddly appreciative. “Dilgear’s smarter than I gave him credit for.”

“Oh sure, he’s brilliant!” I said sarcastically. “But anyway, now Rezo and his goons know where we are. Any idea where we should head next?”

“No,” he said simply.

“Oh, you’re hopeless! Okay, fine. Follow me, then,” I said, getting a move on.

My destination was Atlas City. I figured if I could reunite with Gourry there, maybe we could start to turn things around.

But, man, I gotta say... We started out speculating about a mysterious treasure and then dove right into a potential “prevent the Dark Lord’s revival” plot. Yet now that the truth’s come to light, this is really just about some guy who wants to see and another who wants revenge?

Feels kind of anticlimactic, you know?

Rezo’s goons ramped up their attacks after our encounter with Dilgear. Zelgadis and I were attacked twice before noon, again during lunch, twice more in the afternoon, then once again over dinner.

And after we went to bed that night? You guessed it: more goons! Gimme a break already!

I had to wonder where the hell all these guys were even coming from. They were like the heads of a hydra—cut down one, more show up in its place. It was a real rogues’ gallery, too: trolls, goblins, cyclopses, berserkers, ogres, and so on. They seemed less like raid parties and more like a parade. A real who’s who of bad guy goonery.

Anyway, that brings us to today. As you’re probably expecting, we’ve got more guys after us. This particular group was led once again by our dear friend Dilgear the werewolf. There were a few new faces too, though: an old guy who looked like a sorcerer, a war mantis, and a dullahan. The rest of their ranks were padded out with ogres, berserkers, and the like—about fifty guys all told.

“Quite an impressive welcome party,” Zelgadis said, though without his usual confidence. He must have actually been impressed by the lineup.

“Hey there, Boss Zel,” Dilgear called as he took a step forward. “You sure gave my pride a licking last time. I’m here for some payback.”

Okay, now I’ve got this guy pegged. He’s the type who only acts tough when he’s got a crew to back him up. It really made me want to greet him by way of a Fireball.

“You’ve certainly proved your strength, but do you really think you can beat all of us by yourself?” Dilgear taunted.

“Hang on just a minute,” I interjected and took a step forward. “Aren’t you forgetting someone?”

“Who?” he asked, looking confused.

Why, this little...!

“Me, of course! Me!”

“And what are you gonna do?”

Okay, so I do not like being trivialized. I was gonna have to make a statement here!

“Hey, don’t play all your cards just yet,” Zelgadis said, stopping me just before I was about to cut loose. He must have read my mind.

“Why not?” I asked.

“If you exhaust your power here, then when the next band shows up—which might include Rezo himself—we’ll be sitting ducks.”

“Okay, fair point.”

That meant I’d have to stick to the petty and mundane. Ah, cruel disappointment! But a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

As I drew my sword, however, something suddenly occurred to me.

“Say... how do they keep finding us, anyway?” I asked.

We were heading in the general direction of Atlas City, but we’d changed course a few times to try to throw off our pursuers. Yet somehow, they’d managed to pinpoint our location every time.

“Oh, that’s because I’m here,” Zelgadis said as though it were obvious.

“Huh?” I glanced over at him.

“I told you. My body is a composite made from Rezo’s magic.”

Oh, duh. In other words, Zelgadis himself was a magical marker. I knew spells to throw off magical tracking, but I had to understand the magic at play to make them work. That meant, in order to hide Zelgadis from Rezo, I’d need the nitty-gritty on how he’d been fused... But the spell Rezo had used was almost certainly one of his own invention, and that would take time to unravel even for a beautiful genius like me.

“This basically means we have to take out the Red Priest at some point, doesn’t it?”

“It does.”

Hoo boy. Maybe I shouldn’t have teamed up with this guy after all. Nah, this was still better than dangling from the ceiling of a church... erm, wasn’t it?

Whatever! Kicking myself wasn’t gonna get me anywhere right now. It was time to get to work!

I recited a hushed incantation under my breath and then shouted, “Fireball!”

The spell I unleashed signaled the start of the battle. I’d done it without the usual hands-in-front-of-my-chest ritual, which meant it was weaker than normal—but with the element of surprise on my side, I caught quite a few ogres unaware.

After that, the enemies rushed us.

“Dig Volt!”

I hit the oncoming crowd with another attack spell. My target was the old sorcerer leading the pack. I know, I know! People always say to respect your elders, but I say you get to make exceptions when they’re trying to kill you! Besides, I was sure this guy would be loads of trouble later if I didn’t take him out first.

Unfortunately, the old man easily dodged my spell with greater speed than I’d anticipated. I ended up taking out the berserker behind him instead, although I figured that should be sufficiently attention-grabbing too. Sure enough, the old sorcerer looked my way and changed course.

He was a bald old guy dressed in a green robe. His face below the nose was hidden behind a white beard, but his eyes were a pale color with no pupils, which was honestly a little creepy.

Bah, no time for heebie-jeebies! Here I come!

“Flare Arrow!” At my summons, a dozen arrows of flame appeared before me. “Go!”

My fiery arrows homed in on the sorcerer from the front, from the sides, and from above. I thought there was no way he could escape, but...

He was just too darn fast!

“Khah!” he shouted with an exhale of internal energy that sent the arrows ahead of him scattering!

How the heck did he do that?! The rest of the arrows meant to pin him down just tore through empty air, and he closed the distance to me in a second.

If you’re wondering about the other baddies, they were pretty much all going after Zelgadis. He was kinda in a bad way, actually... but so was I! This old guy was something else! Never underestimate the elderly!

“Hrk!”

At some point, he must have chanted a spell. A whip made of fire suddenly appeared in his hand. I cast the freeze spell I’d been preparing for my next attack on my sword, which I then used to cut the whip in half.

We both stopped, sizing each other up from some distance away.

“You’re a spirited little wench to take on the great Zolom,” the old man proclaimed, his whiskers eerily still as he spoke.

“And you’re a suicidal old man to challenge the great Lina,” I shot back at him.

Zolom let out a hearty chuckle. I leaped back, holding my palms in front of my chest as I began reciting another spell.

“A Fireball, eh? That won’t help you!” Zolom declared, charging me.

“See if you still think so,” I said, cradling the small ball of light I’d produced against my body before throwing it, “after I use it!”

“Hwagh!” He effortlessly dodged the ball of light, flitting like a bird through the air. “I told you it wouldn’t help you!”

As I’ve explained before, Fireballs only explode when they hit something. If they miss their target, they don’t do squat. But in this instance...

Fwip!

I raised my right thumb and pointed it at my chest. I couldn’t help grinning a little. Zolom had just touched lightly down on the ground, when...

“Hrm?”

My Fireball struck him right in the back!

“Gwah!”

And exploded on impact!

“I never said it was an ordinary Fireball!” I crowed, throwing my taunts at the inferno that quickly rose to surround him.

In my time studying magic, I’d worked out a few fun variations of particular spells. This was one of them.

“Let this be a lesson to you: never let your guard down. Now, maybe I’ll go help Zelgadis—”

I made a flourish with my cape and was about to run into the fray, when all of a sudden I felt a chill run down my spine. I reflexively dove to the left, but I was a split second too slow.

“Urgh!”

Pain shot up my right arm. There were a number of silver needles sticking out of it. I turned back quickly to see Zolom standing there triumphantly.

“‘Rumors of my death’ and all that. Never let your guard down, little miss,” he said with a hint of mockery. (Actually, it was more than just a hint.) “You’re a fine practitioner... but shamanistic magic with a physical intermediary will never work on me.”

What?!

His words took my breath away. If shamanistic magic didn’t work on him, then... did that mean this slightly odd-looking old man was a pure demon?! If so, then of course fire spells would never work.

Dammit. It burned me to admit it, but I had let my guard down. I’d totally misread this guy. And thanks to that, my right hand was basically paralyzed.

“Now, allow me to take the lead this time.”

Whips of flame lashed out from both of his hands. He aimed for my head with the one in his left and my legs with the one in his right.

“Oh, please!”

I used my cold-enchanted sword, which I’d swapped to my left hand, to sweep away the whip coming for my head as I hopped over the one coming for my legs like a jump rope. This is the part where I admit I was once known by the embarrassing nickname “Jump-Roper Lina.”

But just as my feet left the ground...

Zolom’s forehead opened up. Countless silver streaks raced out of the opening, zooming right for me. I didn’t have any time to dodge!

Shink!

Huh...?

The silver needles dropped to the ground with a metallic sound. Someone had come to my rescue, and there was only one person I knew who had this kind of “legendary hero” timing...

“Hello there! We meet again, little miss.”

I knew that tone! That wink!

“Gourry!” I couldn’t help but cry out his name.