SG! 26: AIRA’S WORRIES

By the time I woke up the next day, the carriage was already on its way.
I’d simply overslept. The morning usually began with breaking down the camp, followed by breakfast. After that, back on the road. Since that was the program, I basically missed out on my chance to eat.

“…Morning.”

Naturally, Aira and Palmira were up.
A little embarrassed and not yet fully conscious, I awkwardly said hello.

“Good morning, Big Sister.”

“Morning.”

As each of them greeted me in turn, I looked at the carriage’s small window, through which I could see the soldiers walking with a relatively sluggish feeling.
I caught sight of Leon, mounted on horseback, so I turned my eyes away from the window.
Yesterday, I returned to the carriage and tried to sleep, but I couldn’t. Worrying endlessly, I ended up staying awake all night.

I knew why I couldn’t fall asleep.

Yesterday, on the riverbank, why did I agree to Leon’s request?
Why did it feel like I was forced into it?
Why did I get angry?
Even though I was the one who did all of those things, it was too baffling.
No matter how much I thought about it, the reason wouldn’t come to me.
Sure, the business with [Chris] interested me. She was the original owner of this body that I’d somehow come to possess. So if I understood [Chris], I might be able to understand the details of how I ended up possessing her body.
I had to know, for the sake of returning to normal.

…Though it seemed that way at the time, it also seemed that I had no particular need to listen to Leon’s request.
Leon discussed the substitution with that information as a bargaining chip. So I couldn’t do anything but accept.

It didn’t sound half bad when I put it that way.
But did I really accept Leon’s because of that bargaining chip?
Couldn’t it be that I was simply searching for a reason to want to accept?

Worried by the fact that I couldn’t shake the idea, no matter how I tried, the sky was already beginning to brighten by the time I finally fell asleep.
In the end, although I woke up this late, even I could tell I was sleep-deprived.

Yawning widely, I stretched out my body.
Anyway, since we were traveling by carriage again today, there shouldn’t be a problem if I were to go back to sleep. But for some reason, I didn’t feel like it. With a sigh, I sat up, leaning against the wall of the carriage.

I felt gloomy. There wasn’t anything to do, either.

When I looked over at Aira, I found her facing the small window, lost in thought just as she had been yesterday.
Holding her sword, Palmira sat motionlessly.¹
As I watched them, I remembered suddenly that I hadn’t told them about accepting Leon’s request yesterday.

…What do I do? Should I tell them?
Yeah, I should. It concerns them too.

“Um–”

“…When it’s like this — ”

When I hesitantly opened my mouth, Aira, her gaze still pointed out the window, suddenly began to speak.
I was already faltering, and now that the wind had been taken out of my sails, I helplessly closed my mouth.

“When it’s like this, I remember the time I spent as a slave, somehow.”

“…Yeah.”

I didn’t know what Aira was thinking about, to say such words. But when she put it like that, our current situation, being rocked back and forth in a carriage, was the same as when we were slaves.
Or rather, I didn’t want to remember that at all now. Even though Aira surely felt the same way, she said those words on purpose. I couldn’t figure out what her intention was.

“I became a slave, and Big Sister saved me… I feel that a lot has happened since then. When we couldn’t get into the city, and were discovered by Lord Leon, I thought we were in serious trouble; we became slaves again, and Big Sister was even grabbed by the city lord; I had fun walking around the city, but, those idiots at the guild — ”

As she spoke in fragments about her memories, a thin smile curved her lips.
I didn’t know what she wanted to say. I looked over at Palmira, but she seemed as mystified by Aira as I was.
Meanwhile, the end of Aira’s monologue came haltingly.

“…Even so, I can’t do anything… I’m just dead weight, aren’t I…”

Aira’s gaze slowly turned to me. Still wearing that thin smile, her eyes were bright with tears. Her body trembled.

I inhaled sharply.
I finally understood the reason behind Aira’s distress the past two days, as well as the meaning of that smile she had on right now.
It was a sneer. Aira was sneering at her own powerlessness.

“I’ve been thinking constantly since the day before yesterday. About what I can do. Even Palmira bought a sword by herself; isn’t she trying to do what she can on her own? Isn’t she trying to do something? So I want to do that too. I don’t want to be the tag-along who can’t pull her own weight. But what’s possible for me? What can I do? I’ve been asking myself this whole time. I can’t use a sword, and magic is out. And I’m illiterate, too, you know? What can someone like me possible achieve? But I thought about it as hard as I could, and I couldn’t — think of a single thing…”

The tears spilled from Aira’s eyes.

Ahhh, so that was it?

I had genuinely thought that Aira’s melancholy following the incident at the guild was caused by the shocking reveal of Rupert’s violent side. Because the truth is, I’d found it shocking to a certain degree.
However, considering it now, I felt that by chalking her behavior up to that reason, I was looking down on her a bit. Even Aira herself had gotten over it more than two days ago.

Ultimately, Aira realized it herself. That she couldn’t do anything.
In a way, I understood that too. If I looked at any of the events leading up to this point, it would be difficult to say that Aira had been all that helpful.
As she said herself — the time when we floated down the river on a raft, when Leon caught us at the city gates, when we became slaves a second time, when those assholes at the guild were hassling us. Her presence there did nothing to help.

At least, on the surface.

“It’s not that you’re useless or anything like that.”

So I immediately jumped in with a rebuttal.

“…eh?”

“If you ask me, you have been helpful, you know? To put it bluntly, aren’t there people who value the fact that you’re here? Sure, you might not be doing anything now. But if that’s being powerless, then what about me?”

“But Big Sister, you’re — ”

Talking over Aira’s attempt to object, I continued.

“I can’t really do anything. If you think I can, then we’ve got quite a misunderstanding here. Take a look at my body. I’m just a small girl. I can’t use a sword or anything right now. I’m weaker than Palmira, you know. For sure.”

I looked at Palmira. With a somewhat proud look on her face, she suddenly drew her sword.
A gesture to say ‘I’m strong’? Since it was probably true, I couldn’t say anything.

Wait, huh?
We bought that sword two days ago in the weapons shop. It should have been brand-new, but it showed some signs of wear. Come to think of it, where did Palmira go after dinner? She was using her sword for something… tonight, maybe I’ll go see?

“But you two can rely on me for certain things. I should have some value, right? If so, then you two, who I rely on, have value too. You help me.”

“I — I…”

I looked her right in the eyes, my voice firm.
Shaking, tears rolling down her face, Aira stared at me.
To be honest, I was constantly worried. Since taking on this form, strange and inexplicable things had been coming at me one after another.

But even so.
I’ll say it straight-out: these two are my lifeline.

Until now, I did whatever I wanted, all by myself. But now, I could say it loud and clear: Rather than carry the weight alone, sharing it between two people, or three, or more, is better. It’s a good thing to lighten the load like that.
Yeah, it’s too simple, it’s clichéd, it’s trite, but it’s all those things because it’s true.
So don’t say you aren’t helpful, Aira.
Palmira, too. Both of you are essential to me.

…And I wasn’t good enough with words, so I just gave it to them straight.
Well, even so.
Even so.
Looking at Aira, who’d stopped crying and swapped out her thin smile for one that was awkward but sincere, I believed that something had gotten across.
Hmph, seriously. Hey, you. It’s that simple.

“But still, if you aren’t satisfied with things as they are now, it won’t hurt to think about it some more, I think. What can you do, what should you do? If you consider it, then sooner or later, you should find something you’re capable of. I might depend on you too, for some things… but, well, there’s no need to be impatient right now.”

As we talked, the carriage rolled on as it pleased. It was just like we were riding the current again.
So we should take our time thinking while this current swept us along.
There was no need to rush.
Worrying as much as we need to, thinking as much as we need to. We should find our respective answers.
Both Aira and me.
Palmira… I got the feeling she’d already found hers.
‘I have to think properly about this too,’ I thought as I looked at her.

“By the way, I have something to tell you right now.”

–

–

“You’re getting married?!!!!!!”

Apparently, Aira had only absorbed part of what I said. Right away, her expression turned to shock, and then, with a smile I simply couldn’t describe, she screamed those words at me.
What is with you? Even though you had such profound worries just now.

“Huuhhh… Congratulations?”

Palmira, looking somewhat surprised herself, reddened slightly. Cut it out, you two.

“I said, it’s only for show,”

I replied, dismayed.
Even though I said it, even though it was a sham, I was seriously regretting that I ended up accepting a request like this.
That’s right. Normally, this wouldn’t happen… I mean, in the first place, I’m a man….

“Anyway, I didn’t have a choice… Well, that’s the long and short of it. I’ll be asking some weird stuff of you once we get there, but please take care of me.”

Before they could ask why I accepted, I quickly babbled on.

After speaking, it hit me.
Thinking about it more carefully, was I going to behave like I was married? Like I was going to be married? Like I was engaged, or like I was his lover?
I hadn’t heard anything along those lines.
I hadn’t, but it was essentially a problem of degree. In my opinion, none of it changed the story all that much, and that was pretty depressing. None of these options sounded good to me.

“So that’s the story, then. As Lord Leon is nobility, you’ll be a member of the nobility as well, Big Sister.”

“Well, it’ll be fake, but it’s… something like that, huh.”

I knew that the [Chris] I’m going to play was likely the member of a distinguished family.
She was probably a noble herself, wasn’t she? In that case, even her impersonator would be a noble during that time. Maybe. Not gonna lie, I didn’t want to think too deeply about it.

“Understood! Then I will do my best as your maid, Big Sister!”

…Oi.
Even though I just said to think about things more, Aira easily found what she would do. What’s more, she’d taken it in a weird direction.
Eh, well, what can you do? It would give me some peace of mind, I guess?²

“Oh, I’m glad. The truth is, when I was at the estate, I heard all sorts of things from the maids. This is a guess — just a guess, but I think that knowledge will help. Yay!”

Going that far on a ‘guess’, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. So no, not ‘yay’.
But, well, if it kept Aira nearby, her ability as a maid aside, I found the idea a little reassuring.

“Then I’ll be your guard.”

Palmira being Palmira, she added to the chaos. Holding her naked blade, she was already in a stance that said, ‘No matter what you say, it won’t work.’
No, but — you. Do you think you’ll pass with the way you look?

“Calm down. I’m twenty years old.”

…Don’t try to settle everything with being twenty years old.

Though, to tell you the truth, I was worried about what I should do with them while everything else was going on.
In the blink of an eye, both of them ended up carving out their own niches, but I was grateful for it. Of course, I’d have to get Leon’s agreement, but I was pretty confident that he wouldn’t refuse.

“Well, I’ll be counting on you. Aira, Palmira.”

I was sure we’d face our share of troubles after our arrival.
Even so, I felt my anxiety lighten ever so slightly, and in my heart, I thanked them for it.

Footnotes
1. パルミラは剣を抱いたまま、こちらはこちらで何を考えているのか、じっとしている 
2. そっちの方が俺的に安心なのだろうか