The Abandoned Empress - Chapter 103

Chapter 103
Since I couldn’t remain reliant on him forever, I began to spend less and less time with Allendis as time went by, and I began to carve out my own life. Of course, he was still a good friend of mine and a precious person to me, but he didn’t mean everything to me as he did when I was a child.

‘Then, what does he mean to me right now when four years have passed since I met him?”

As I met many different people over time, I found my heart going away from him gradually. Despite that, he was still very important to me. He was my first friend as well as the one I wanted to rely on for the first time. He was the only one that I allowed to call me by my pet name, and the sanctuary of my heart.

But it was not what Allendis wanted from me. He was asking me to be his partner. He was asking me to be his only lover now.

‘What kind of feelings do I have for him now?’

So, I decided to unravel my feelings about him one by one, which I had sealed in my mind as I was so confused and scared, and compare them with the kind of love that I came to know.

Only when I looked into them carefully did I realize that although I felt cozy and happy about his warmth, I was not thrilled anymore. Although I missed him when I didn’t see him often, I didn’t feel heartbroken because of that. Although I enjoyed spending time with him, I wasn’t looking forward to it as eagerly anymore.

‘Ah, that’s the answer.’

My feelings toward him were definitely different from his toward me.

That’s why my heart didn’t beat fast like before when I felt so cozy and warm like spring sunshine in his arms. That’s why I felt good but didn’t feel thrilled when he stroked my hair. And that’s why I felt sorry and sad when I realized how he felt toward me .

 
Although I felt affection for him as someone who was precious to me, I didn’t love him as someone of the opposite sex. I was aware of this unconsciously, but I was afraid of facing this reality even when I realized that our feelings for each other were not the same. I could not tell him the truth because it would hurt his feelings all the more.

“… Allen. ”

Was it because I was so nervous at the moment? I swallowed unconsciously because my mouth felt dry. When I looked at him waiting for my answer while touching my hair tie nervously, I began to feel heartbroken.

‘Do you know that? Even though my feelings for you are different from what you feel for me, you’re still the most precious person after my father. You are my most cherished friend. You are like a shade of a tree that comforts my tired mind and you are like the new buds that you grew on my frozen heart. I don’t want to lose you, Allendis. But at the same time I don’t want to lie to you.’

Now that I realized how cruel I was to you, I could not put false hope in you because of my unscrupulous selfishness.

“Allen.”

“Huh.”

“I really… ”

“… Tia? ”

“Allen, I really… ”

As soon as I tried to say something, I was suddenly choked with outpouring emotions deep down. Tears were welled in my eyes in an instant as I was choked up.

Barely clearing my throat, I began to open my trembling lips. When I lowered my head as I couldn’t look him in the eye, I saw the bouquet in my arms.

‘This is the first bouquet I received from my precious one.’

The green, red, and white colors of the flowers were blurred in my eyes. I felt so sorry, sad and guilty at the moment that tears began to drop onto the flowers.

“I am really…”

“… Stop there, Tia. You can answer me later.”

“Allen.”

“It’s time to get up. We’re going to be late again.”

“Allen… ”

“Your father will hate me. Come on, Tia. Do you wanna see him rebuking me?”

“Stop it, Allen. stop… ”

 
My tears now began to fall in big drops. When I saw him trying to avoid this awkward situation by responding in a hoarse voice, as if nothing happened, I felt more heartbroken.

‘It’s my fault. Because I was selfish, and because I couldn’t tell him the truth for fear he might leave me, even though I knew his heart, I broke his heart.’

Although I experienced the excruciating pain of love myself, and even though I knew better than anyone else how severe a torture it was to give a little hope to someone earnestly expecting a bit of love, I was so cruel to Allendis.

“I’m sorry, Allen. I’m so sorry. ”

“… ”

“I am sorry that I cannot accept your love. I’m so sorry I have to break your heart so much. I am really… ”

When I saw his tightly closed lips and empty green eyes, I was so saddened. In the end, I covered my mouth with both hands, holding back my crying. As someone who had been so cruel to my most beloved person for my selfishness, I was not even qualified to cry before him.

I bit my lip as hard as I could. I felt something hot flowing with a tingling sensation and tasted the blood at the tip of my tongue. I didn’t care because my pain was nothing compared to the pain he was feeling right now. Compared to the blood that he shed because of the pain inflicted on him, a few drops on my lips were just nothing.

“… Don’t do it, Tia. ”

“What?”

Since I couldn’t see him talking to me with a hoarse voice, I asked, looking down at the beautiful bouquet in my arms. He said in an unstable and trembling voice, “Don’t bite your lip. You have blood on your lips. ”

“… ”

“Why did you bite so hard? It will hurt. ”

“… Allen. ”

He stumbled while standing up. He placed one hand on his forehead, closed his eyes for a while and opened them. He then approached me as if nothing happened, and slowly knelt before me.

With one knee up and the other knee down, he looked at me. As I still couldn’t face his warm green eyes, I lowered my eyes. My hands holding the bouquet trembled. After seeing me nervous, he held my hands with both hands. My eyes were blurred with tears again when I felt his warmth when he was kind to me even in this situation. Folding my hands gently, he put his on the back of my hands and patted them lightly.

He took out a folded handkerchief from his pocket and put it on my lips. My heart ached when he wiped the blood on my lips gently. I saw his white, long fingers.

As he wiped away my welled tears, he said in a low croaky voice, “Don’t cry, Tia.”

“… ”

“You are much prettier when you smile. So, don’t cry and smile, my lady. ”

‘My lady.’

 
I flinched at that title at some point when he began to call me like that casually.

One day while I was practicing fencing with him, I asked him if it was true that Sir League told me he would not be a knight, no matter how much he practiced. I knew that as the second son of the top civilian official Duke Verita, it would be more natural for him to join the government, not the knights division like me.

At that time, he said even if he would not pursue the path of a knight, the woman he had in his mind all the time would be me, so he would call me ‘my lady.’ Yes, that’s what he told me.

“Tia, even if you don’t accept my love… ”

“… ”

“Just like I promised you as a child, the woman in my mind will always be you.”

“Allen…”

“So, just allow me to call you my lady, will you?”

My tears, which stopped a minute ago, began to come down again.

‘Allen, don’t expect me. Do not have any hope in me. Don’t love me. Just hate me. Hate me who planted false hope in you by not being honest about my feelings toward you. Hate me who acted so selfishly because I didn’t want to hurt. Just hate me who could break your heart brutally to the end.’