Part 3
The rain finally stopped, but the morning was still dim. It was windy, and the restless sky seemed as if it might start pouring again at any time.
Harutora, who had left the dorm in the morning to walk to the academy building, was alone, which was extremely rare. Natsume had left the dorm first without eating, claiming to have no appetite, and Touji had been the opposite - it was a rare morning where he had woken up late. In the end, Harutora had to walk to the academy alone.
The warm wind carried the smell of the sea. It was fortunate that he didn't have to use an umbrella, but the weather wasn't good enough for him to enjoy the time after the rain.
But Harutora felt unexpectedly pained when he thought that it was more relaxing to be alone than with company. Right now, the people around him already had more problems than he could handle.
"......Yesterday's karaoke ended pretty badly......"
He had originally proposed karaoke to cheer up Tenma, but it was actually also a strategy Harutora had thought up to mend his relationship with Natsume. Naturally, wanting to cheer up Tenma and give him spirit wasn't a sham, but at the same time, if everyone could happily have fun together, he could probably return naturally to his former relationship with Natsume. If he could talk with Natsume like before, he could just pretend that nothing had happened and continue acting. With that, they would be able to completely revert to the atmosphere in the past - Originally, that was what Harutora had planned.
But, the important Tenma hadn't participated since he wasn't feeling well. The late-arriving Natsume and Touji had been depressed, with no intention at all of singing. Suzuka seemed extremely happy, but had gradually lost interest after the two of them showed up. In the end, it had become a two-person party between Harutora and Kyouko. It was all because of that dilemma that his throat still hurt today morning.
...Give me a break. How long is this situation going to go on for......
Harutora didn't attribute all the problems to himself.
But, one of the reasons Harutora and the others weren't getting along right now undoubtedly came from himself. Because Harutora suspected that Natsume might be Hokuto's practitioner.
...Really...... What exactly is going on?
Hokuto was a simple shikigami controlled directly by the practitioner. The practitioner's words and feelings would become Hokuto's unaltered words and feelings.
Even if there were some differences and if the practitioner was acting, Hokuto could essentially be counted as a body double of the practitioner. No, she wasn't just a body double, she was basically the practitioner after changing clothes. The 'person inside the clothes' was the same.
So Harutora had never even dreamed that 'that' Hokuto's practitioner could be 'that' Natsume.
...After all, Natsume......
Harutora had known from a very small age that he didn't have the spirit-seeing ability, but he had only begun to realize around the time he entered middle school that his childhood dream of becoming an Onmyouji was actually not his fate. After growing up, he had already woken up from his childhood dreams for the future and begun directly facing his own real future.
At around that time, he had slowly grown alienated from Natsume, who had been very intimate with him.
After all, Natsume was taking great strides towards her future of becoming an Onmyouji, and had already decided before entering middle school that she would test into the Onmyou Academy after graduating from middle school and end up becoming a professional Onmyouji. Harutora didn't see any other choice for Natsume - he didn't even dare imagine any.
This girl walked towards a different path from him and would definitely enter another world. The Harutora from back then was confused over how to face that kind of childhood friend. So, he had naturally left Natsume's side with the self-righteous beliefs that Natsume thought the same as he did.
Of course, Harutora's beliefs had been mistaken. Natsume had still one-sidedly believed that 'Harutora would become her shikigami' after the distance between the two of them gradually widened.
Harutora only understood when he was in his third year of middle school. At the time, he told Natsume that he was going to enter an ordinary high school. Harutora had hurt Natsume - the worlds of the two of them were decisively separated just like that. Even Harutora believed so at the time.
...Then......
At the time, Natsume had slowly changed. She became more feminine, sedate, and looked mature.
Every time he met her, he felt that she had become prettier......
Comparing her with himself, who had always been a stupid brat, produced an insurmountable gap.
On the other hand, Harutora met Hokuto on a summer day in his first year of middle school. That nostalgic and never-fading 'summer race' happened just as Harutora planned on moving towards a new path.
Hokuto was a 'new friend' to Harutora. As a member of the Tsuchimikado family and as someone who had dreamed of becoming an Onmyouji since childhood, and as a young man who had begun moving towards a new, more realistic future - he made a friend. This encounter symbolized a new era, a new life, and a brand-new self.
He had wanted to walk towards a realistic, definite world, and Hokuto was the first friend he met along the way.
Natsume, Hokuto.
Harutora couldn't think of these two people, who symbolized completely different meanings, as the same person.
Such a possibility was hard to imagine.
But,
...That ribbon......
"......"
Harutora walked along the road with a bitter expression.
If Hokuto was Natsume's shikigami, why had Natsume done such a thing?
It was a waste of effort no matter how he thought about her reasons.
It might be to watch over the boy who would one day become her shikigami, or it might just have been a silly distraction from the start but later gradually became hard to pull away from. In addition, she couldn't truly interact with Harutora who had already become distant - that was probably also a reason. There were many possibilities.
But, regarding how rational the reasons were, only Natsume knew the answer. From there on, further speculation was not possible.
...Think about other related areas.
It was plain to see that Hokuto and Natsume's personalities just happened to be opposites.
Hokuto was direct, cheerful, childlike, random, expressed her emotions honestly, and her happiness and anger were stronger than normal. She spoke with a tone like a boy, and Harutora had always teased her for being a 'tomboy'.
In comparison, Natsume was quiet, mature, sedate, and already had a firm grasp on 'herself' when she entered middle school. Thinking carefully, she was a bit cold in some sense, and sometimes she even pull back into her shell. Frankly, Harutora had frequently felt that she was hard to approach.
They were completely different after more careful thinking.
But, Harutora's impressions of Natsume were all from before he had come to Tokyo. More accurately, they were his 'preconceptions' of her when he had a distant relationship with Natsume - Harutora had only realized this recently.
After going to the Onmyou Academy together and living in neighboring rooms of the same dorm, his impression of Natsume had suddenly changed. Even if he described this in the most conservative manner, he could still say that his image of her had collapsed.
After all, Natsume got mad often, and laughed unexpectedly innocently. Her excellent grades hadn't changed, but she often slipped up, and she was a bit timid at important times.
Ignorant of the world, acted tough, she always behaved normally, but actually didn't have confidence in herself.
Harutora had finally understood after walking the same road.
Natsume was the genius who would become the next head of the Tsuchimikado.
Also, she was a normal girl.
...Yeah, well, maybe not 'normal', as after all various things had happened......
Among them, Harutora felt the most surprised that Natsume was hiding the 'naivety' in her heart, or her childishness. Before this, Harutora had always felt that Natsume had already become an 'adult'. An indifferent figure with the goal of being the main family's next head - also, an attitude of looking coldly upon things useless to this cause - such impressions were deeply implanted into Harutora's mind. They were probably also 'preconceptions'.
Such 'preconceptions' weren't mistaken themselves, but Natsume wasn't as simple as Harutora thought. They were only one side to her.
...Come to think of it, the first time I spoke to the 'guy' Natsume after entering the Onmyou Academy, I felt that 'this person is a bit tense today somehow'.
At the time, he had immediately thrown that matter away with indifference. After all, Natsume's complete change of personality was basically only at the time when she pretended to be a male. He had taken that personality change to be a sort of act by Natsume and hadn't dug any deeper.
It was different now. Now, Harutora already understood that 'Natsume when she was pretending to be a male' was also 'Natsume'. Needless to say, when she pretended to be a male, it was more common for her to show the 'her' that usually wasn't expressed.
If it were the Natsume from those times...
If it were the Natsume pretending to be a male... Overlap wasn't impossible with the image of Hokuto that Harutora was extremely familiar with.
...Ah, idiot.
He himself also felt anxious. Better to go ask clearly and be able to relax a bit.
Actually, Harutora had planned on speaking up and asking several times. He would take the suspicion in his heart and ask Natsume clearly.
But.
But......
... 'Who would be happy watching the person they like kissing someone else! Do you know how painful, how lonely, how difficult that feeling is!'
"......"
He couldn't ask.
For whatever reason, he couldn't ask her directly.
It would be fine if she denied it. That wouldn't produce any change in their relationship thus far. Maybe it could even restore their original status.
But--
What if she gave an affirmative reply? If his suspicions were indeed true...... An action like confirming with Natsume would destroy their previous relationship. Completely.
Harutora feared that situation.
Destroying his ordinary life until now.
He had always greatly cherished his ordinary life with Hokuto and Touji until last summer, constantly turning his back to the world of Onmyouji and his identity as a Tsuchimikado family member.
The current Harutora feared that his previous relationship with Natsume would be destroyed.
.........I'm still running away.
First, even if he asked the question directly, he wasn't sure Natsume would tell the truth.
If it wasn't true, she would definitely make that clear.
But what if it was true? If Hokuto truly was Natsume's shikigami, would Natsume end up saying her thoughts? After all, if Natsume happened to be Hokuto, then the confession back then had actually come from Natsume's mouth.
That Natsume.
To Harutora.
"......"
Harutora unconsciously covered his hot face with his hand.
...Natsume? To me? No, but...... could it be...... how is that possible......
If, just if, on the off chance, if Natsume answers my suspicions......
...What would become of things...... Eh? In other words, that's equivalent to Natsume admitting the confession? I, In that case...... Eh? Eh!
Harutora couldn't think calmly about what would come next. Honestly, that was the main reason Harutora couldn't speak normally to Natsume.
...'Especially Natsume-kun. It's like the shikigami is a part of him.'
...'Only Natsume-kun would be able to do such a thing, right?'
The words that Tenma and Kyouko had said during the camp supported Harutora's suspicions at an excellent time.
It was possible.
It could be.
The possibility and various imaginations mixed together in Harutora's heart.
...'I'll kiss you.'
...'Harutora, I like you.'
Harutora's cheeks became redder and redder as his head spun.
Really......
Was it really like that?
Was such a thing possible?
"Ah, idiot!"
Heat flowed from his body in his confusion. His originally ambiguous feelings were amplified infinitely.
There was no one he could talk to about this kind of situation. Touji had recently been suspicious of him as well. He could do nothing about it. If he could have thought of something he would have done it long ago.
What exactly could he do? What should he do? Harutora thought bitterly while holding his head.
Just then,
"H-H-Harutora-sama? Are you unwell?"
Harutora came to his senses upon hearing the young girl's call.
"Kon?"
"Y-Y-Yes. I am extremely sorry for being so forward. Harutora-sama did not seem well, so......"
The voice of Harutora's shikigami, Kon, reached him. Her figure wasn't visible in her stealthed state, and hence she spoke up to ask out of worry for her master's condition. Harutora was suddenly a bit embarrassed, a bitter, shameful smile emerging on his face.
"Sorry for making you worry. I'm fine."
"That is good, but......"
At the same time as she replied this way, Kon's tone was still filled with worry. Harutora forced a smile.
Actually, this confusion was just pure imagination - no, it was wishful thinking. Reality didn't go along with Harutora's wishful thinking at all. It was probably just a bland truth that had been hidden. He frightened himself by how he had gotten so anxious on his own from his own wishful thinking.
Of course, it wasn't easy to suddenly change his attitude.
"......Hey, Kon."
"Y-Yes."
"I'm not very brave."
"Impossible! Y-Y-You are without a doubt......!"
The shikigami's panicked denial was just favoritism towards Harutora. Harutora was thankful for her feelings, but they weren't enough to console him.
"Really, this isn't like my style at all. I get along well with people no matter who they are. I originally thought I was very good at interacting with people, but I got arrogant somehow."
Even more importantly, the other party was his own childhood friend. It had already been several months after he had come to Tokyo, and he originally thought there was no longer any gap between them, yet things had become like they were now.
"......Unexpected. I really hate this......"
Harutora hadn't been used to hesitating and worrying alone in the first place. The more his heart was troubled, the more he felt depressed, the less able he was to find a suitable way to deal with it.
"......Th, Then...... Harutora-sama?"
"Hmm?"
"Could it be, Harutora-sama, that you are worrying about the matter regarding Natsume-dono?"
"Uh...... Well, yeah. You've always been with me, so you understand too, I guess."
Harutora smiled wryly and gave an affirmative response. Actually, it was half self-derisive, not just any wry smile.
"It's actually as you say, Kon. But I'm extremely sorry, I can't talk with you about this. Please forgive your master's depression a little."
"Th-Th-This is a matter of course!"
Outside of Harutora's expectations, his shikigami denied her master's self-derogatory words.
Then,
"I, Kon, am well aware of H-H-Harutora-sama's troubles!"
"Huh?"
"Harutora-sama is very gentle, overly gentle, which became trouble!"
Kon spoke in snippets and full of self-confidence.
But, the shikigami's words pierced her master's chest all at once.
"Ah."
Harutora's face unconsciously twisted and he went speechless. Of course, Kon wasn't being deliberate, but those words felt like violent satire in Harutora's ears.
...Gentle?
No, that wasn't true.
It was the opposite.
...Yes, I...... Thinking carefully, I......
Wasn't I always just thinking about my own feelings?
The suspicion had appeared in his heart on the bus back from the camp last month. After that, Harutora had been this troubled every day, no longer taking the feelings of those around him into account, and even letting his relationship with his friends grow worse and worse.
Whether Natsume was Hokuto's practitioner or not, Harutora had created such troubles because he didn't know how 'he himself' should face her, as well as because he didn't know how 'he himself' should organize the emotions in his heart if he learned that Natsume was Hokuto.
These weren't the feelings of Natsume or Hokuto.
They were just his own selfishness and capriciousness.
The strength suddenly drained out of Harutora's body and he feebly collapsed on the pedestrian road. "H-Harutora-sama!" The shocked Kon materialized, and a kimono-wearing girl with ears and a tail appeared next to Harutora.
"A-A-Are you feeling unwell? Please cheer up!"
"......Kon."
"Y-Y-Yes."
"Thanks for comforting me."
"Hmm?"
Kon's blue eyes widened. On the other hand, Harutora lowered his head, showing his self-derisive colors.
...Damn. I hate myself......
Natsume's feelings...... right. If Hokuto was Natsume's shikigami, why hadn't she said so? Hokuto hadn't spoken of her history up through the very end. Was it because there was some reason that she couldn't say?
He thought about it but didn't understand that reason - No matter how he thought, he couldn't prove the relationship between Natsume and Hokuto - and Hence Harutora quite his judgments, giving up on continuing to think.
He hadn't even thought about what the person in question, Natsume, felt regarding the incident. Harutora had ignored anything like trying to understand her feelings up till now.
"...Ah, H-Harutora-sama."
"......I'm pathetic."
"No, well, H-Harutora-sama."
Kon shook Harutora's shoulder in a panic. Harutora's head was lowered in depression, revealing a nihilistic smile as he muttered quietly. "That's enough, you don't need to be concerned about me."
Harutora had forgotten to consider Natsume and Hokuto's feelings. This was enough to prove that Harutora was no longer able to look after other peoples' problems.
But, to think he hadn't noticed at all after being troubled for a month until his own shikigami pointed it out. His own problem was too severe.
"Someone like me, really......"
"Beast."
"Yes, I'm a beast - Hah?"
Harutora raised his head blankly in his posture with his hands touching the ground.
A pair of high boots that seemed familiar were close in front of him, with slim legs extending up from them.
As he raised his gaze further, he saw an overly large white uniform and a well-proportioned yet expressionless girl's face that looked unblinkingly at him with a cold gaze.
Harutora blinked.
"S, Senpai--"
"Beast."
"Huh?"
"You're doing this to sneak a peek under my skirt, right?"
"Huh? Ah, sorry. I didn't mean to."
"As compensation, I also want to see Kon-chan's panties--"
"Shut up, pervert!"
As he listlessly stood up, it suddenly became the other person looking up at Harutora.
She was extremely small, but probably older than Harutora. After all, she was a third-year Onmyou Academy senpai. Kon had probably shaken Harutora's shoulder just now to notify him that she was approaching.
Harutora rose. Kon went behind her master's back, unconsciously putting distance between her and the senpai. After Harutora confirmed that the shikigami had guarded herself, he nodded. He had given orders to Kon the past few days that she could put priority on defending herself only in front of this senpai.
Harutora looked at the senpai again:
"Good morning, senpai. You appeared as suddenly as always."
"Good morning. You took a long time to greet me."
The senpai's expression was hard to read. She seemed to be thinking about something, but he couldn't tell what it was at all. After all, this senpai would be hard to understand even if her expression was extremely plentiful.
"Kon-chan too, good morning."
"......Morning."
Kon returned the greeting nervously. The senpai stared at Kon without moving. Upon seeing her unmoving gaze, Harutora helplessly called out "Kon", walking to a position that blocked the senpai's gaze.
He called out "Senpai" to warn her. Of course, the senpai still didn't move.
"What's wrong, Harutora-kun."
"Oh, to think you remember my name this time."
"How rude. How could I forget?"
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