Toradora! - Volume 7 - Chapter 5

Chapter 5

“It’s already crowded even though we came early! Just how many people are coming?! Oh, Takasu, spotted you!”

“Oi, Taka-chaaan! Over here!”

It was a quarter after five.

The tree shone in the center of everything, and the blackout curtains were pulled shut. The gym, decorated in lights and illumination displays, was filled with the confusion of the boisterous students. It may have been because the Christmas party was a departure from their everyday lives, but the room was filled with the feeling of festivity, and everyone was already getting caught up in the mood. There were some people wearing the glittery pointed hats that had been distributed at the welcome table, others wearing pince-nez glasses, and then even others wearing smart suits.

“Ah, be careful! Don’t spill anything! If it gets tacky, the dirt will stick to it, too!”

One of them had donned a handkerchief and an apron in their evolution into an old lady manning a restaurant. You’re scaaary… The student shrugged at their scolding. That guy had definitely been in the wrong, though. Even though the place was so congested, he was holding a cup brimming with fruit punch in an unsteady hand, and the carbonated juice still seemed to be on the verge of spilling onto the floor.

Pushing aside the packed together people as if swimming freestyle between waves, Noto and Haruta drew closer to the suit and handkerchief-wearing old lady. When the old lady—Ryuuji—noticed them, he also exclaimed, “Yo!” and donned his trump-card of a cursed ogre mask. No, wait, he was just smiling.

“What are you doing, Taka-chan? We finally get out of our uniforms and you dress up in an apron?! Actually, I had no idea you owned such a slick suit! I wish I had one of those! All I’ve got is this thing I bought at the train station just now.”

Haruta fiddled and pinched at the hem of his T-shirt fabric suit.

“That’s not bad, Haruta. At least it’s new. Look at mine. I’ve been wearing this for two years straight.”

Noto was wearing a worn-out hoodie with the name of some small-time band written in large letters. You all could have told me you were dressing up, his large, sad, otter-eyes said as they teared up. Incidentally, he was as cute as cat dung.

Just then, cold voices jumped on the two pitiful guys from behind them.

“Heeey! There’s a line for the fruit punch!”

“No cutting!”

Though it was hard to tell because of the crowd, Haruta and Noto had carelessly cut to the front of the line.

Oh, crap, Ryuuji thought. His eyes glinting, he sharply waved around a ladle. Like magic, the line he traced with the ladle severed through reality to spectacularly separate Noto and Haruta from the rest of the procession—in short, he made them move slightly to the side. There were few better at wielding a ladle than Ryuuji.

“Sooowrry,” Haruta said as he held back his long hair and bowed to the people that made up the line. Noto’s glasses were clouding from the stuffy heat. 

“Oh, what have we got here?!” 

After discovering a group of girls wearing cheongsam dresses, he carefully wiped the lenses of his glasses with his fingers.

The young noble of the underworld, who rode into the party by way of a magic horse drawn carriage, was currently emitting a strange aura from his post along the wall as the master of the fruit punch station.

Speaking of which, Ryuuji hadn’t taken on this simple job by choice. When he and Taiga arrived in their car together, the other students who were already gathered at the party showered them in heated stares. It wasn’t just their imaginations either. A few of them were just part of the Taiga-mania and joined in with a “That’s our Tiger-san. Those high heels are dangerous weapons…” However, no matter how fashionable, beautiful, or cute either of them looked, the envious stares seemed to shine a spotlight on every embarrassing thing about them. 

As those in their surroundings took notice of them, the two walked slowly together, matching step, to where the tree sparkled in the middle. Then, unintentionally, Ryuuji’s gaze was drawn to the wall. That was his mistake. He couldn’t take his eyes off it. Syrup was dripping off the ladle, cracker crumbs were dribbled over the tablecloth where they had been opened, and the people in charge of the food were chitchatting away. 

“Ah, I knew it’d get cold in here.” 

“But we’ve got pretty good attendance.”

Right then, one side of Ryuuji’s face started to twitch. His right hand fruitlessly grabbed at the pocket of his uniform until he remembered that he was in a suit that day. That’s right—he didn’t have the Takasu stick today. He had brought tissues and a handkerchief but no wet wipes. He also didn’t have his set of cleaning sprays. He didn’t have his just-in-case stain remover or his microfiber cloth. He didn’t have the favorite all-purpose sponge that he knitted from acrylic yarn, either. He didn’t even have his citric acid cleaning spray. Getting his hands on his antibacterial gel, deodorizing spray, or even regular soap was out of the question. He was naked. This was as good as being buck naked.

Feeling like a soldier stripped of his equipment, Ryuuji started to run in desperation. “Let me throooough! I’ll do it! Let me do this! I’ll do it so no one makes a mess!” Just like that, in his buck-naked state, Ryuuji had exposed the abnormal tendencies that he normally kept hidden. Taiga had disappeared out of exasperation, and before he knew it… 

“But Takasu, are you going to be doing that the whole entire time? That doesn’t really seem fair to you.”

“No, not the entire time… I-I think…”

He could only tilt his head at Noto’s words when his friend came back. Noto had gone to the end of the line and waited for his turn. Ryuuji filled Noto’s cup with the bubbling punch and looked around, once again questioning what he was even doing.

He still had a little time before the party started at five-thirty. Nevertheless, a gaggle of students had already gathered in the gym, and it was more crowded than he could have ever imagined. As expected, there weren’t many third years, who were still waiting to take their exams, but there were all kinds of students around, from those in their uniforms to students trying to outcompete each other with their street clothes. There were even a group of guys taking the party as an opportunity for a joke by cross-dressing, and some people were in kigurumi ranging from animals to copyrighted characters. There was also a couple getting clingy with each other and getting called out by the cross-dressers. 

“Get a room!”

“Whoa?! What the heck is going on over there?!”

“Oh, that’s the ‘Ami-chan Club.’ Supposedly they’ve been acting pretty reckless recently. They’re kind of extreme…”

A group of a dozen or so guys had appeared at the entrance, taking a knee with faithful expressions on their faces. They were all wearing long, matching happi coats with fluorescent and glittery yellow lettering that danced on their backs and spelled out unsettling phrases like “Ami-sama is life” and “My heart for Ami-sama.” They even wore headbands. 

“Whoa, I’m so excited…GAAAH!” 

Despite scaring a group of innocent girls who had come in after checking in with the welcome desk, none of the guys’ expressions changed. Haruta slurped down his fruit punch.

“They’re going to wait like that until Ami-chan gets here! They’re walking on thin ice, ha ha ha!”

He laughed at them from a distance. However, Haruta had a camera hanging conspicuously from his chest with an abnormally long telephoto lens that looked just as suspicious as those guys.

“So, Haruta… What kind of pictures are you planning to take with that thing?”

As a member of the prep committee managing the party, it was hard for Ryuuji to overlook anything. The idiot, however, put up a proud peace sign and happily said, “Oh, you noticed?!”

“I’m taking pictures of Ami-chan~! Don’t you think I’ve got the right idea~?! I’m sure Ami-chan’s going to dress up in some unthinkable outfit again in front of us, all wiggly and jiggly and stuff! That’s why I borrowed this special thing! AaaHAHAHAHAhahaHAHAhahahahaha~!”

As Haruta grinned with his wide-open mouth, a trail of fruit punch dribbled down his chin like drool. He didn’t seem like he had noticed even in the slightest. Then suddenly, the idiot’s face snapped to attention as though he had resolved himself.

“I want to memorialize, not memorize Ami-chan’s glutinous maximums!” 

…You mean her gluteus maximus, Noto said, following him up in a slightly sad tone. Ryuuji forgot to be angry and gently wiped the mouth of his not-completely-there friend. 

“Huh, what?! Hey, what are you, my mom?! That’s gross!” 

Haruta pushed aside Ryuuji’s hand more roughly than he had expected. Ryuuji felt raw and hurt to an extent that even surprised him. It’s all right, Noto muttered as he patted Ryuuji’s shoulder, but his attention was on their busy surroundings rather than Ryuuji’s teary eyes.

“So speaking of which, where is Ami-chan, anyway? Isn’t the party starting soon? I know I spotted Kihara and Nanako-sama.”

“Oooh! Kihara’s got on those short pants that show off her legs! She definitely wants us to go over there! That’s so sexy~! On the other hand, Nanako-sama has a princessy dress that’s got a pure look going for her! She’s definitely inviting us in, too! That’s just so sexy~!”

The idiot’s words passed in through one of Ryuuji’s ears and out the other in an instant. Now that Haruta mentioned it, he hadn’t seen Ami, either. That show-off might just have been taking her time dolling herself up. She was probably planning on making another grand entrance in outrageous clothes like the time she emceed the Miss Festival contest. That, or she might have been purposefully arriving late to monopolize attention. Hmph! As I, Ami-chan, walk, grovel in my wake, inhale the aroma of my feet as you lick the tracks of an absolute beauty whose very presence brings you to cry tears of joy. Get out of my way, you inferior plebes! Yee haw! He hated it because she might actually do it.

However…

In actuality, the person he had been searching for this whole time hadn’t been Ami.

Even while stirring the fruit punch, even while cleaning up the table, even while chatting with Noto and Haruta, the person he had not forgotten to wait for, even for a moment, was none other than Kushieda Minori.

Ryuuji looked restlessly around the busy gymnasium, which was crowded with students. He gently felt the small package in his back pocket.

There was still no reply to the message he sent earlier. He had tried calling, but it went straight to voicemail, and he hadn’t gotten an answer back. He realized he didn’t see “It’ll be okay, so just leave it to me” Taiga, who’d puffed out her flat chest when she told him that earlier.

She still wasn’t there.

Maybe he should have been saying “of course” she wasn’t there. He invited her to the party so many times but hadn’t changed her mind.

Maybe in the end she’ll never change her mind and just won’t come, he thought. No, stop. Ryuuji shook his head back and forth, as though he were forcefully driving away the pathetic thoughts. Didn’t he want to show it to Minori? Didn’t he want to give it to her? What good was there in not believing in himself? And, right, the party still hadn’t even started. Everything was just beginning. Ryuuji gripped the ladle and raised his head. 

That was exactly when it happened.

“Uh, excuse me, everyone! Thank you for coming to today’s Christmas Eve party. We’re so, sooo incredibly grateful to have you here!”

Kitamura’s microphone made his voice echo through the venue. Ryuuji, Noto, Haruta, and everyone at the party all turned together to face the stage and sputtered at the same time. Bwaha! They were simply dumbfounded. Their jaws hung open at the gallantry of the student council president, who was acting as the emcee for the night’s party.

“Please get the party crackers you got from the welcome desk ready! In celebration of this one and only Christmas Eve, I’d like to start the party with a countdown!”

Kitamura, who was happily smiling on top of the stage, had decided to dress as a nudist Santa Claus. He was dressed in a fake beard and a run-of-the-mill red hat, black boots, red pants, and suspenders that just barely concealed his nipples. Other than that, he was utterly and completely stark freakin’ naked. His upper half was in the buff.

Why? Why would he do that? With no one questioning him, Kitamura progressed onwards with the party. Though no one had asked for it, his skin was exposed and breaking out in goosebumps. His bare chest, which was even burlier than expected, was in full view. If only that were Ami-chan right now… Haruta muttered dopily and feebly took a picture of the nudey Santa.

“Is everyone ready?! Well then, let’s celebrate this year’s Christmas Eve! 3…2…”

Ryuuji quickly managed to grab the party cracker he had left next to him. Everyone in the venue pointed the crackers that had been distributed to each person by the welcome desk upward. Then at the same time Kitamura yelled…

“…1…Merryyyyyyyyyyy Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!”

Several people quipped, Christmas Eve isn’t even over yet! Their voices were washed away by the terrific explosions. Pop! Pop! They shouted in high-pitched glee. Shining, sparkling confetti burst forth all at once from the hundred simultaneously bursting crackers, fluttering and twirling around in the bright beams of light. The venue was instantly adorned in a vivid storm of color. Two more pops sounded from someone who was late, and laughter bloomed around them.

The smell of gunpowder drifted through the air. Then the last lights left on near the entrance turned off, so only a bright spotlight shone from above. The tail end of someone’s whistle echoed. Fierce laughter and cheers rose up that rang in Ryuuji’s ears.

“Yaaay! Merryyyy Christmaaas! Can’t wait until next year, too!”

“Merry Christmas, Happy New Year~! Uh-aaahaaaa!”

He, Noto, and Haruta high-fived. “Right! Merry Christmas—Eve!” Ryuuji finished off the too-sweet punch he had poured himself.

The carbonation bubbled in his throat. The concentrated sweetness enveloped his tongue. To be honest though, Ryuuji wasn’t actually passionate enough to get his heart moving yet. She still hadn’t arrived. If Minori didn’t come, he couldn’t see the goal—he couldn’t see the love—that he had been rushing towards.

His pounding heart, his stiff, trembling spine, and the rest of his body—his whole body—was just waiting for her to appear. Ryuuji’s entire being was waiting for Minori’s smile. He was dedicating his whole self toward praying with all his might, thinking, Please somehow come. Please smile for me. He was reaching out to her phantom hand, pleading with her to grab the phantom baton.

That was when it happened.

As Kitamura, who was incredibly unbearable to watch, left the stage, the curtains rose smoothly. Even more cheers climbed from all around and stacked on top of each other. They burst out madly with surprise and excitement. Ryuuji’s eyes also went wide. It wasn’t that he had found his father’s mortal enemy whom he needed to enact vengeance against. He wasn’t tightly gripping his piece, either—it was just the ladle.

He had been thinking it was weird that they didn’t have background music. Of course, he knew that they would be starting the celebration with the crackers (Ryuuji was the one who arranged for them), and he just thought they would do the conventional thing and start playing music to get into the starting mood.

But he had been fooled. He had been perfectly fooled.

Next to him, a first year from the prep committee who had been distributing small sandwiches gaped vacantly. He also must not have known. If it was even a surprise to the prep committee, that meant the student council and those guys must have been the only ones who knew about it.

They had secretly set up a special stage for the performance for just that night. The raw sounds of unfamiliar drumming started up and made his stomach tremble. The vibrations that came from his feet tickled and rushed through his body. It shook all the blood that flowed through him.

There was a drum, a guitar, a bass, and a keyboard. He was pretty sure they were a band that formed to play light music. He remembered there were students who’d watched them live at the culture festival and said they were pretty good. They played a tired Christmas pop arrangement on their instruments. Then, accompanied by the band, at the mic stand singing in English was…

“I-Isn’t that…Taiga!”

Ryuuji was already on the verge of fainting.

…Taiga in a strapless black dress. Then, in the same black dress that cut off above her knees, with her hair in the same shape and form as Taiga’s, was Ami. Next to them was a second-year student council girl, and one other girl, who he thought was probably the vocals to the light music group.

The four chicly dressed girls all had their bangs swept to the side in the same hairstyle. They wore deep red lipstick, gloves that went to their elbows, and black dresses that showed off their shoulders. They were layering their voices with the performance. They stood in front of standing mics, stepping to the left and right. They raised their arms, tilted their heads up slightly, and slowly lowered their arms starting from their elbows. All of their choreography was perfectly in sync, and their voices were in faint harmony.

The lights mixed together to illuminate the four. People in the venue started clapping in unison. He even heard some people start singing a measure of the song with them. There were smiling faces, people chattering, the Christmas song, and the bright light that illuminated them.

“…This is amazing. Tiger is…singing and dancing…”

Haruta forgot to take a picture as he started dancing slightly to the rhythm with his mouth still half-open. Noto answered him in a hushed voice, clapping and whistling.

“This is the power of love—it’s love. I wonder what’s so good about a guy who goes around naked…right?”

Though Noto glanced at him, Ryuuji couldn’t find the words to reply. He looked at Taiga and Ami up on the stage, and all he could think was, What is this?

Seriously, what is this?

He hadn’t noticed any of it. When did they practice this between the turbulent waves of studying for exams and prepping for the party? When were they able to put together such an amazing Christmas band?

The songstresses in their black dresses put their hands on their hips, shook their heads, and stepped lightly. The people gathered around the tree at the center also stepped with the music in the same way. It seemed even the show-off queen, Ami, was fine with being one in a set of girls that night. She didn’t make any grandstanding moves, but made it through the whole routine next to Taiga, her natural enemy, in step with everyone else with her ivory white shoulders glowing and moving rhythmically.

Eventually, glittering gold and silver confetti started fluttering down into the venue. Using the air current from the heater, the student council was diligently and steadily throwing the confetti a handful at a time from the second-floor passageway. Conveniently, the handmade confetti rode on the air and fluttered up. It’s so pretty! It’s like snow! Ryuuji heard the girls’ excited voices start up all at once.

As the shimmering snow came down, the tree was a silent symbol reflecting the lights. It seemed as though it were lighting up the many groups of smiling people. Ryuuji couldn’t see any vestige of the damage it sustained from his wall-side booth. The small blinking bulbs, the bell strands he made with Ami, the blue and silver ornaments, the shiny gold balls, all glimmered in the crossing spotlight so much it nearly blinded him.

At the top, Taiga’s star twinkled. It reflected the light beautifully. It was sparkling like it was supposed to.

How fun this was.

This is the best, he thought.

Stupefied with amazement, Ryuuji looked up at the stage. There were the beautiful Christmas ornaments, the glittering lights, the giant tree, the live music, and Taiga singing. Ami dancing. Kitamura naked. His frolicking friends. And then there were a lot—really an amazing number—of smiles. The giant bustling affair at the end of the year made his ears feel weird and ring.

He really thought that he was an idiot to have thought somewhere in his heart, for even a moment, that he shouldn’t have come…that he shouldn’t have volunteered for the prep committee. He believed, sincerely, that he had been an idiot to think that he should have skipped the party, invited Minori somewhere else in her glum mood, and given her the present. 

How could he have when the party was this fun?

Wasn’t that exactly the reason why he wanted Minori to come to this exciting place, to this exciting time?

Didn’t he want her to look up with him at Taiga and Ami’s surprise performance? Didn’t he want her to look up at the glittering tree, be lit up by Taiga’s radiant star, and have fun together at the happy party?

Ryuuji put down the punch bowl’s ladle and wished once more in his heart. Kushieda, please, somehow, come quick. Please come before the party ends. Everyone is having fun, everyone is smiling, and if you don’t, there just wouldn’t be a reward. If you’re not here, we can’t finish our relay of happiness. I want to smile with you in this place, which I’m not exaggerating when I say is the best place on earth. 

There was no other place. There was no other time. He only wanted to be with Minori on this night, during the best party ever, because this night existed for Minori’s smile.

Right then, on top of the stage, Taiga noticed Ryuuji’s stare. Still locking gazes, Taiga smiled at him. It was as though she were trying to say Weren’t you surprised? Isn’t this amazing? Then, she turned her back to him. After three beats, she turned around. At that moment, Taiga gave him a small wink. She did it quickly, so no one would notice. It was aimed only at Ryuuji.

“Th-that idiot!”

He was bewildered, but a wry smile appeared on his face. Don’t come to me when you make a mistake getting ahead of yourself because you’re a klutz. But even though Taiga was Taiga, she didn’t make a mistake with the choreography. The four, with the exact same timing, tilted the standing mics to the same degree, kicked the poles, and quickly put them back. It seemed the angel Taiga-sama who had boasted, I’ll definitely make sure Minori comes. Don’t worry about it, really did have much more up her sleeve. Wasn’t this practically a miracle?

“Takasu-kuuun! Please give me punch!”

“Me first! I’m thirsty!”

It seemed there was a group swarming the booth and asking for sustenance after getting too excited too quickly. Ryuuji quickly returned to himself and remembered he was part of the prep committee. “Okay, okay, form a line!” He waved the ladle. Like he’d let even one droplet spill! His eyes hardened with desperate preparation.

The ones singing, the ones dancing, the ones talking, the ones who just wanted to make a big fuss, the one waiting for someone—each one of them had burst into smiles as the party continued deeper into the night. Kitamura came by and told him why he was dressed up the way he was. He had actually prepared a real Santa costume, but right at the last minute, when he tried to change, he noticed the top was missing. He didn’t have time to prepare anything else to wear, so he ended up having to wear it. That was what Kitamura claimed, anyway.

“Couldn’t you have just worn a T-shirt, at least?”

“Oh, right! I could have done that! You could have told me that sooner!”

“…Can’t you just put one on now?”

“Hm?! What?! I can’t hear you!”

Then, when Ryuuji noticed that Taiga had disappeared, the background music had changed to trendy western songs, and the curtain was decisively down on the stage.

***

“So you were here all along!”

Someone suddenly took hold of Ryuuji’s arm from behind, and he staggered.

“Yeah! What is it with you? You surprised me.”

“Huh, I can’t hear you! It’s like really crowded in here…kyah!”

It’s Ami-chan, Ami-chan, Ami-chan! Ami-chan has appeared on earth! Like insects attracted by a deadly light, they could see guys paddling through the waves of people all around to approach her. The Ami-sama-love, happi-coat-wearing brigade bravely volunteered themselves to surround Ami. 

“Don’t touch her!” 

“Don’t approach her!” 

If they hadn’t been fending off the groups of people around her, the two of them would have been sandwiched by the crowd and probably would have suffocated. 

Somehow, they got a spot in front of the tree, and Ami held a hand up to her ear in the noise. She smiled with her deep, rosy, glossy lips.

“Hey, what did you think about the song?! Weren’t you surprised?!”

“Yeah, it was a big surprise! When did you even find time to practice that?!”

“It was kind of a surprise present for the whole prep committee! ♥”

They were right in the middle of the music and noise, so they couldn’t have a proper conversation without raising their voices. Dressed up even more beautifully than anyone else in her tight black dress, Ami raised her hands up high and danced with the music directly under the lights. “Oh, I love this song~!” In the sparkling confetti, the whistles and cheers started up. The people around Ami also put up their hands like her and waved with the rhythm of the song. 

“This is my song! Look, Takasu-kun, give me your hands! Hey, what’s going on with you today?! It was a pretty big surprise when you arrived in this cool suit!”

She came close enough to him that he could feel her body heat, grabbed his hands, and put them up. He felt the gazes of jealousy and envy prickling and stabbing at his back.

“W-wait a second! I’m looking for Taiga right now!”

“Huh?! What?!”

This wasn’t the time for Ryuuji to be dancing carefree. Then, breaking through the dancing people by making cutting motions with his hands, Kitamura, who was now wearing a T-shirt without the beard and hat, had appeared. 

“Excuse me from the back!” he said. “Excuse me!”

“Yo, Kitamura! I’m over here! Was she over there?!”

“No, she wasn’t! Looks like no one’s seen her! Oh great, right on time, Ami have you seen her?! No one knows where Aisaka is! We’ve been looking for her for a while!”

“…”

He felt like Ami’s crimson lips faintly moved as she stopped dancing. However, the people around them were terrifically enthusiastic and crowding in, so her words didn’t reach Ryuuji’s ears.

“Huh?! What did you say?! I couldn’t hear!”

He brought his ear closer to Ami, who was pretty much the same height as him. Ami brought her body close, so that they were practically hugging, and covered Ryuuji’s ear and her lips with her hands. Then she said it.

“Like I said, she went home.”

That was it.

“She said she’d go by Minori-chan’s house. She wanted to bring her over here. Then she said she’d go home after that. She said she didn’t want to get in the way and that she was going to get ready for her beloved Christmas and wait for Santa to come or something.”

Like an idiot, Ryuuji opened his mouth and looked back at Ami’s face. Ami’s large eyes reflected a strong and cold light directly at him. Then she continued, “You didn’t know? You didn’t notice? Really?”

He nodded.

The dance music continued. In the middle of the groups of people who swayed with their hands in the air, Ryuuji could only nod. He stood stock-still. But wasn’t it strange? When Kitamura asked him “What’s wrong?” Ryuuji looked into Kitamura’s face and thought it again.

Isn’t that strange?

“Why? Why would she do that?!”

“Why are you asking me?!”

“Why did she have to go home?!”

“I said I don’t know! Maybe there’s something she doesn’t want to see?!”

“Huh…?”

“That’s why I warned you—ahh, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what I say to you. You’re not listening to what I say anyway. Every last one of you… I don’t care anymore.”

As though she were writhing, Ami pushed forcefully at Ryuuji’s chest with her hands. Ryuuji lost to her strength, and his legs stumbled from shock. Ami didn’t even look back at his face.

“I’m tired, so I’m blowing this joint. Get out of my way! Make a path! No way, it’s so crowded…and noisy! I want to be alone! I’m tired!”

Like that, she wrenched herself away from him and staggered off. 

“What’s wrong, Ami-chan?!” 

“Where are you going, Ami-chan?!” 

“Let’s dance together!” 

Why don’t you get out of my way! Ami yelled as she ran from the arms of those who approached her. The pale nape of her neck and her back disappeared into the ring of dancing people. Her voice also disappeared as it was buried by the music.

Ryuuji was left alone.

“What did she say?!” Kitamura said. “Did Ami know something?!”

“She said she went home…”

“Sorry, I can’t hear you, say it again!”

“She! Said! Taiga! Went home!”

“What?! Why?! But Aisaka hasn’t gotten to do anything fun yet!”

That was true—it really was true. Ryuuji looked back at his wide-eyed best friend and held his chest, which smarted from Ami hitting him.

Taiga still hadn’t had any fun at all at the Christmas Eve party. She hadn’t even been able to have a worthwhile conversation with Kitamura. The party was a success. Everyone was having fun. Everyone was smiling. But Taiga still hadn’t been rewarded at all.

“I wonder what happened?! It couldn’t be that she got sick because she got tired?!”

“Well…I don’t know…”

He didn’t know.

Ryuuji was rooted to the spot in the middle of the groups of people as it became even more crowded. He scratched his head. He couldn’t even move. He didn’t know. Why had it ended up like this?

Taiga prepared the suit for Ryuuji.

For everyone’s sake, in order to make the party more exciting, she wore a pretty costume, sang, and danced.

And then again, for Ryuuji’s sake, she went and left the party? In order to get Minori? In order to not be in the way?

“Who’s going to make you smile now that you’ve gone home by yourself? Is that how you’re going to be part of the happy scene?”

As he muttered to himself, the Christmas tree sparkled in the corner of his eye. Even Taiga’s star, which had been broken, winked and glittered. But no matter how pretty it was, no matter how brilliant it was, Ryuuji thought it was meaningless unless she was there. If they weren’t laughing together under that bright tree, they weren’t actually being rewarded. For whose sake was this night so beautiful? For whose sake was Christmas coming? Wasn’t it for everyone? Wasn’t it for everyone, Taiga included? Did you forget your own words when you said everyone needs to be happy, you klutz of a tiger?

Or—maybe she really did believe Santa was watching? She knew she was a hypocrite and doing it all for herself. Even while saying that, maybe she believed that if she was a good girl Santa really would reappear in front of her eyes again.

But Santa didn’t exist. No matter how good of a girl Taiga was, no one knew it. No one was watching. There was no god in this world. The streets would be brightly lit and glittering with lights, they would be overflowing with smiles, a happy Christmas would grace the world, and Taiga wouldn’t be rewarded.

Wasn’t Taiga alone this year? Hadn’t she gone home alone? Was there an adult there for her? Yeah, there were, but those adults wouldn’t be by Taiga’s side right now.

In the end, Taiga ended up alone once again this year.

He rubbed his face.

As he thought, he remained planted to the ground.

What did he need to do to stop this night’s relay from breaking?

He looked at Kitamura’s face. He squeezed his voice out of his throat—no, he swallowed what he was about to say. He finally realized it.

There was one person who had been watching.

And there was one person who knew about Taiga’s loneliness. 

There was just one person who had been watching Taiga from close by the whole time. The person who should have handed the baton to Taiga was right there. It was right in his hand.

There was only one person in the entire world who knew that Taiga had been a good girl. That person’s name was Takasu Ryuuji. 

***

Really? Is that really true? Her best friend had said over and over. 

That’s right. At the time, Taiga had nodded perseveringly and firmly. 

“Minorin, Ryuuji said he definitely won’t go home until you come. He even said he’s ready to stay overnight at the school.” 

The words she said over and over again were basically close to a threat. She was at the front entrance of the Kushiedas’ home, which she hadn’t visited for a while. Minori seemed troubled as she stood still for some time and bit her lip.

Taiga remembered Minori’s expression.

“Sorry, Minorin…”

Though there was no way Minori could have heard, she still quietly whispered it.

“But, it’s not like you didn’t want that? You must actually want to go. I know that. I’m your best friend. If I weren’t, I wouldn’t have worked so hard.”

She had told Minori all of that, after all. Minori would definitely head to the party. It was okay if she only went just because she didn’t want Ryuuji to stay overnight at school. It was fine because he would work hard after that.

The stockings she had removed and tossed aside hung off the sofa. Her clutch bag sat underneath them, and her short fur coat hung at the entryway. She was incredibly tired, and she didn’t even have the strength to take off her dress, so she wrapped her cold shoulders in Ryuuji’s scarf. She hadn’t stolen it by force like usual. That day, when she sneezed as they were going home to change, Ryuuji wrapped it around her. She went right back into hectically preparing for the party, so she forgot to return it.

She buried her nose in the softness of the cashmere and fully breathed in the familiar scent. She breathed out and pushed the warmth from her own breath back onto her face.

Her heels hurt terribly from blisters, and she was reluctant to even stand up anymore. She was sitting sloppily on the rug with the living room lights turned down. She didn’t turn on the TV, and the large room seemed as quiet as the bottom of a body of water.

Taiga had a small, glass tree on her low table. She gently pulled out the candle that was inside of it and very carefully lit it with a lighter she bought at the convenience store. She did it carefully—ever so carefully—since dying in a house fire on Christmas Eve wasn’t a joking matter.

In her living room, where the lights were dimmed, the orange light warmly wavered. The transparent tree was really beautiful. The candle’s aroma drifted to and tickled her nose.

Taiga pulled out the pins that tightly kept her hair up and watched the flickering fire as she put her elbows on the table. Only the sound of the heater grated on her ears. She covered her head with the scarf and blocked out the noise. She was satisfied with the quiet and thought that was good enough. Her body, which was tired from the bustle of the last few days, seemed close to drifting into sleep.

She was alone this year, too. Santa wouldn’t come this year, either. Trying to act like a good girl at this time, as though she had just remembered, was too late. If anything, she’d created enough trouble to get suspended this year, and there really wasn’t any Santa, anyway.

So, she was alone this year, too.

She would probably be alone next year.

She would probably be alone in the future for a long, long time. Thinking that, Taiga closed her eyes from drowsiness, as though she were dying comfortably in her sleep. While she was alive, she would probably always be alone. Like she had been until then, forever from there on out, she would probably be alone. It was her fate for being born to her parents. There wasn’t anything she could do about it.

Taiga closed her eyes.

What a life, she thought, self-aware. Taiga only felt somewhat motivated when she thought someone was watching. Of course, she knew that was just a dream. It was precisely because she knew it was a dream that she could allow herself to believe it.

She couldn’t be dependent on anything—on anyone. She wouldn’t have been able to live the life of Aisaka Taiga if her heart were that weak. In order to live by herself, she needed to become strong. But if it was a dream, her fleeting imagination that would never become reality, then she thought it was okay to hang on to. If you killed someone you hated in your imagination, it wasn’t a sin, after all. If you were to be with someone in your imagination, it wasn’t something the other person would know. That was what it was like. Even if she depended on it, as long as it was a dream, she wouldn’t become weak. Or so she hoped.

I’ve been living completely dependent on it, though…

“Huh?!”

She jolted awake.

At some point, she might have fallen asleep—no, she had just been asleep for a few minutes. She had suddenly felt like she was falling and like she had heard someone say something. And then…

“Huh?!”

This time, she actually jumped up. She reflexively got on her knees and turned to where the sound had come from. Rattle rattle rattle, the glass went—it was the sound of someone hitting the window. She heard it coming from her bedroom. 

Was it a thief? A pervert? A murderer? She heard the sound again more clearly, so Taiga stood up without making any noise. She firmly held the scarf around her exposed shoulders and boldly headed towards the bedroom where she had heard the sound. Please stop. This isn’t a joke. She didn’t want to die in a fire on Christmas Eve, but being murdered by someone was even worse. Her wooden sword was in her bedroom. She had faith in her strength. She didn’t know how much of a chance she stood against a real criminal, but it was better than taking it sitting down. She opened the door and stepped into the frigid, pitch-dark bedroom with her bare feet. She was prepared for death as she opened the curtain.

Eek!

Her strangled cry only made it to the back of her throat. She had been so surprised, she couldn’t make a sound.

She fluttered to the ground, lost her balance, and sat down.

Why was it that on the other side of her window, standing on the wall that partitioned her house from the Takasus’, hitting the glass with its hand against her window, just about to fall, was there a bear? And a bear with a Santa hat on?

Knock, knock, knock, knock! The bear’s hand hit the window glass more roughly. As though it were shouting, I’m gonna fall! Maybe reaching its limits, its feet were wavering. Its propped-up body quivered all over. It would probably fall in a few seconds, and she was witnessing it right on the verge of danger before her eyes.

“Sa—”

Her hesitation disappeared, and without thinking, she rushed to open the window.

“…Santa-san?”

She reached out her hand and pulled it into her room. If Santa didn’t actually exist, she really was completely screwed. But once she pulled it into her bedroom, the bear lay on the floor on all fours for a while, panting for breath. 

“Haah, haa.” 

Finally, it nodded for her.

It said it was Santa.

“No way. …Really?”

It nodded again. It held its oversized head and nodded very slowly. It wasn’t a lie. It really was Santa. And it was even eloquently telling her that.

“Ah…ha ha ha…”

Though she didn’t know why on earth she felt like it, she started laughing before she realized it.

“Aha ha ha ha! What is this?! Aha ha ha!”

She held her stomach and laughed out loud. She had no idea what was actually going on, but she really believed it. This was Santa Claus. A bear Santa had come for her. She had been a good girl, so just as promised, Santa came to her again. She burst into loud laughter and took Santa’s hand. She stood Santa up and pulled its arm as it waddled. She brought it to her cluttered living room.

“Santa-san! Look, this is my tree for this year!”

The black plastic bear eyes looked at the small tree. Then it once again turned to Taiga and gave her a thumbs up. She had been praised by Santa Claus!

“Yay! I thought this was definitely beautiful! I did it, I did it! Amazing! Santa-san actually praised my tree… No, it’s not just the tree! This is amazing, amazing, amazing! Ahh, it’s so amazing, you actually came! Santa-san really came! Well, you’re a bear, but it’s fine even if you are! It’s completely fine! This is like…a dream!”

Kyah! Taiga shrieked as she jumped up. She jumped and twirled around in place several times. She was so, so happy. She turned to the heavens and threw her hands up and blew kisses upwards.

Then she sang the Christmas song she had practiced for the band performance. Hop, step, jump! She jumped into Santa’s arms. She hugged fiercely with both her arms. She hugged with all her strength, desperately. The warm Santa bear gently reached out its arms and firmly hugged Taiga back. It patted her on her head and hair and squeezed her.

Were there ever arms that hugged her like this before?

Were there any other arms that she believed in and would never betray her heart?

No, no, no, no, there weren’t. There were no other arms. There weren’t any anywhere else. They were only here. She felt the warmth from her joy bubbling up from within her. She was so excited, she was like an idiot. She wasn’t alone this year. Taiga closed her eyes and nuzzled her cheek into the warm chest. This year, Santa came. Her dream came true. It was reality. It was hugging her.

Still holding on with all her strength, Taiga kept singing. She buried her face in its dusty-smelling body, still in bare feet as she stepped in time with the song. The Santa bear danced with her. To the right, to the left, then around and around, and this time around the other way.

She laughed like an idiot and danced until her legs were about to give out. She hugged it and sang her song terribly. She sang her favorite phrase over and over again in a loop. She hugged it several times and fell down and laughed until she cried… It would have been nice if they could have stayed like that forever. If only she could have danced with Santa bear forever.

But.

“Ahh…it really is real! My dream really has come true!” she muttered and raised her face.

Phew. She breathed out one long breath.

The dream that couldn’t have come true had come true. It was reality. If it were a dream, she could have just wished for it to have lasted forever, but no matter how much she wished for it, she would have eventually woken up.

Reality wasn’t like that.

“Thank you…”

She had to pull away the curtain with her own hand, with her real, flesh-and-blood hand.

“Really, thank you…Ryuuji.”

Out of breath from laughing too hard, she pulled off the bear head, which seemed like it must have been stifling. Even though it was winter, a bright red face plastered with sweat appeared from within. 

“Hey! Don’t take it off, you idiot!” Without thinking, he started to scold her. Why was he so flustered? Did he really believe she wouldn’t have figured it out?

“So,” said Taiga, “where did you find this thing?”

“I borrowed it from the guy who was wearing it.” Ryuuji bluntly turned his eyes away, but he smiled awkwardly. The bangs he had slicked up for the occasion were stuck to his forehead, all for naught. No, this wasn’t about his hair.

“Wait…then what happened to the suit?”

“Like I said, I traded with the guy who was wearing this. Oh, but I’ll return it of course! Naturally, of course!”

Haaah. She sighed. What an idiot—Ryuuji was really an idiot.

“I can’t believe you would take it off in a time like this! Seriously, you idiot! Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot! I went through all the trouble of getting it ready! And you were going to see Minorin!”

“Why are you saying I’m an idiot?! Hm?! What do you mean I’m going to see Minorin?!”

“Like I said, believe in angel Taiga-sama. Minorin should be headed to the party. She might already have even arrived. Look, you might still make it, so hurry up and go back!”

“Huh?! But…well, but, today is… I look like this and I came home because I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“What are you saying?! I’ll be fine!” She shot the lazy oaf down and smiled arrogantly. “We’ve got a genuine Santa and a genuine good girl here. It’s been a while since I laughed until it hurt! With the way you look…it’s hilarious! Oh, of course, I’m looking forward to tomorrow and the feast you promised. In the one-in-a-million chance everything goes well with Minorin, we’re having a feast tomorrow at your house! You haven’t forgotten, right?!”

“O-of course not! It’s not like I’d forget!”

“Good! Look, go! Stand! Hurry! If you’re not at the party, I’ll have lied to Minorin.”

Ryuuji looked down at Taiga.

Taiga shrugged and smiled again. She pointed straight at Ryuuji’s face.

“And ‘Santa’ came, right? I’ve gotten my compensation, so now I need to be a good girl until the very end of the year. Let me be a good girl. My real present for you is having Minorin go to the party. So…please take it. Please.”

Are you really okay alone?

That was what she thought she heard Ryuuji say. Taiga repeated over again, I’m fine, it’s okay, and forcefully pulled Ryuuji by the arm. She tried to push him into the entryway from the hallway, but Ryuuji went “Whoa!” as though he had remembered something and went back to the living room. What is it now, you oaf, she thought when Ryuuji blew out the candle in the tree. “We’ve taken care of the fire!” He pointed at it to confirm. He said something about not being able to leave with the fire still on because he would be worried.

He really was a sensitive guy.

“Okaaay, okay okay, I got it. I’m a klutz, so I won’t light a fire anymore. I swear. Are you okay now? Seriously, you’re a busybody…I get it, so hurry up! The party will be over! Look, look! Off you go!”

She prodded and slapped at his back to push him. She even kicked his butt to boot. She pushed him to the entryway and threw him out the door into the hallway. If he ran around the streets looking like that, he’d definitely get noticed, but…no, it was Christmas Eve, so people would adjust to the unexpected.

“Now go, you lazy dog!”

“Thanks!” In the end, Ryuuji finally yelled that and turned his back to her. Taiga didn’t even look at Ryuuji before she closed the door.

Then, she turned the key.

He had finally gone.

She took a breath. With this, her mission was really complete. Angel Taiga did what was necessary of her. The footsteps going down the stairs became more and more distant until she finally couldn’t hear them anymore.

“Ahh…I’m so tired…”

It was her own fault for making such a fuss. Alone in her house again, the silence returned. Taiga stretched as she went back to the living room in her bare feet.

In the too-quiet room, the sound from the heater really was grating. But when Ryuuji was there, she hadn’t remembered it at all.

“He finally left, he finally left, he finally left…”

She returned to where she had originally been on the rug and hummed a lame song in a low voice as she thought about lighting the tree again. She would do it carefully, so it would be okay. What was the use of not lighting the candle she had just bought?

“Huh? Huh, huh, huh… Why?”

She couldn’t find the lighter.

She tried to remember where she had put it. She could only remember putting it down right there. After that, Ryuuji had appeared and had made a fuss like an idiot and then he had blown out the fire.

“Oh…maybe…”

Maybe Ryuuji had thought she would do this and had taken it with him. That was the only explanation she could think of. He was Santa and didn’t even have a present for her. What guts he had to steal from her too! She decided that once it was the twenty-sixth, she could reduce him to two-thirds of his life.

Unable to do anything else, she stood up and looked around for anything else she could use. She looked in the drawers of the table that Ryuuji had organized, and rifled through the TV stand Ryuuji had organized, and looked into the drawers Ryuuji had organized, but she really couldn’t find a lighter or a match. What is this? Taiga thought as she stood in place. It was her own house, but she couldn’t even tell where anything was.

She couldn’t light the tree’s candle like this.

“I don’t like this…”

He really was a sensitive guy.

“I really…don’t like this…”

But he had made such an absurd entrance. What was he doing being a bear?

“I don’t…”

And he just dawdled forever. She wondered if he had actually made it.

“I—”

If he really did tell Minori his feelings…

…she would hate that.

“Huh? Why?”

She was surprised when she questioned herself. When she touched her face with her hand, her fingertips were wet.

Why? Why were there tears running down her face?

“Oh…right.”

She thought for a bit and quietly nodded and accepted it.

Because this was the end.

Just like a dream, she depended on Ryuuji to live. She told herself excuses that hadn’t made sense—“I’m not dependent on him, I’m letting him look after me!”—and she thought “This is just for now. If Ryuuji were to move, or if I were to move, or if he started dating Minorin, or I started dating Kitamura, we couldn’t stay like this, anyway,” and she lived with Ryuuji. She had lived allowing Ryuuji to be kind and depending on him. This is also a dream, so it doesn’t make me weak. This is okay.

Tonight, that would end.

She thought that Minori was drawn to Ryuuji. She really thought that Ryuuji was in love with Minori. In other words, their feelings were mutual. So the two of them would probably start dating. Then she couldn’t be like she had been. She couldn’t come and go to the Takasus’ as she pleased like she had been. If anything happened, she couldn’t even call on Ryuuji anymore. She couldn’t walk beside Ryuuji anymore. She wasn’t the one who would be beside him.

So…

“I don’t want that…”

She was sad.

She was surprised.

She hadn’t thought about that at all. She hadn’t thought in the slightest that she really didn’t want to leave Ryuuji. The one she had been attracted to, the one she had admired and whom she had dreamed about was always Kitamura Yuusaku. She had always been thinking of him. The person she should have been in love with was Kitamura Yuusaku. But if she were, then why had this happened?

That time—she remembered the day she had been hurt, when Kitamura Yuusaku confessed to the girl he liked. She thought about herself on that day, how she was in such a rage she didn’t think about herself, but went ahead to kill Kanou Sumire.

That time, for sure, she was thinking of Kitamura more than herself. She was more worried about Kitamura’s pain than her own. The reason why she had been able to put her own feelings aside for later was probably because Ryuuji had been there. It was because she believed that Ryuuji would understand what was happening in her heart. So it was good that she hadn’t looked into how she had been hurt. She had thought that Ryuuji would always be by her side and watching over her.

And then, she might have been right. Because the person who came to grab her hand as she was making the mistake of violence, who came to stop her, who came to help her, was Ryuuji.

He spoiled her and cared for her. Without being aware of it, she had come to depend on and cling to his kindness to live.

The reason why she had been able to love was all because she had felt Ryuuji being there by her side as her strength. It was because as she thought about the possibilities, as she thought about whether this or that could happen, as she thought about whether Kitamura could think this way or that, as she grew excited about those things, Ryuuji had always been watching over her. It was because she knew he would be watching over her. It was because she had entrusted her heart to him.

Until it came to this—until she lost it, she really hadn’t noticed at all. Taiga hadn’t noticed at all the blessing it was that he had been the keeper of her heart. She hadn’t thought that Ryuuji being there was a strength. What an idiot she was. She wanted to kick off her own empty head. She didn’t even know the ground she was standing on. Without the soil called Ryuuji, there was no way any flowers could actually grow. She couldn’t even rub away the tears dripping off her chin.

Without Ryuuji, she couldn’t even love.

Because, like this, like right now, she could barely even stand.

She didn’t know whether she could live or not. 

She needed Ryuuji.

In other words, she loved Ryuuji.

She had loved him for a long time.

She didn’t want it to be the end, she couldn’t believe it was the end, she didn’t want to not be by Ryuuji’s side. She couldn’t stand it and couldn’t live with it. She didn’t want that. She didn’t want that to happen.

No!

“…!”

She started running for dear life.

She ran out of the living room, kicked open the door with her bare feet, and ran out the entryway. She ran through the cold hallway. Taiga followed after Ryuuji on the stairs he ran down. She went down three flights. The hem of her miniskirt split. She ran at full speed out the marble entrance with all her might. She didn’t know how to stop the tears that were overflowing. Please make it, please make it, she thought, not breathing, like she was praying.

She hurled herself at the heavy glass door to open it. She tumbled into the cold wind blowing on the street at night. The freezing asphalt stabbed at her bare feet.

She looked to the right. She looked to the left. He wasn’t there. Ryuuji wasn’t there. Ryuuji wasn’t here anymore. What should I do? she thought as she covered her face, contorted with tears, with her hands. Her feet stopped, and she breathed in a lungful of the winter air.

“Ryuujiiiiiiii!” She turned to the night sky and yelled.

She noticed a couple passing by looking at her in surprise. “A fight? That poor thing…and it’s Christmas Eve.” So she was pitiful. Taiga started bawling even louder like a baby.

She cried and cried and called Ryuuji’s name.

She knew that she couldn’t reach Ryuuji anymore, but she kept yelling. Even when her voice went out, she kept yelling.

One part of her head was clear in her mind where the rest was in disarray, like a storm had passed through. There was a part of her looking down on herself crying and yelling as though exasperated. This is why I don’t like reality. Unlike a dream, it could be broken. It could be lost.

That moment he had appeared when she wished for him, the feeling of him hugging her—all of it had been real. She wanted to stay like that. She wished she wouldn’t lose it. Now everything would be smashed to pieces and disappear.

It was always a foolish dream.

That she mistakenly yearned for Ryuuji as a father figure. She mistakenly believed that Ryuuji and Minori would get together and that she would leave the nest and live by herself. That was the future she wished for, but she’d misunderstood everything. She was foolish, and she had been thinking with her eyes half-open if she thought that she could stand the loneliness as long as Ryuuji, as her father, would raise her and give her the strength to live alone. It was a mistake to think of him that way.

Ryuuji wasn’t her father. She was fixated on her father, who wouldn’t think of her, and she was fixated on Ryuuji, too. And the moment she would “leave the nest” wasn’t something to look forward to. It was just loss. She would lose Ryuuji, and she would have to live a future in solitude on her own.

In actuality, she wanted to be with Ryuuji. She had finally figured that out now. She wanted them to hold hands and proceed forward with each other forever into each new day, but now she couldn’t do that. She had been late on everything. Reality had been shattered. She had woken from her dream. All she had left was herself.

Where did she go wrong? Ryuuji said it to her, hadn’t he? 

“I’m a dragon, and you’re a tiger. Dragons and tigers come as a set.” 

But her idiot self was stuck in a dream, a dream where she pranced around Ryuuji, was spoiled by him, and had become dependent on him. She had run from it and hadn’t thought about it seriously. She had put it off again and again, and that procrastination had left her like this.

“Ryuu—ji…!”

The world sank into tears. 

I don’t care, I’ll just break it all—she might say. If this were a manga or a TV drama, around this time, they would have conveniently framed out. Or the guy would have appeared in front of her eyes. But reality was cruel, and no one framed out for her, and Ryuuji didn’t appear. If she could have weakened until she died, it would have been dramatic, but humans didn’t die that easily. Especially a girl like her, who was built to be incredibly sturdy.

She was unsightly, miserable, sad and lonely, wretched and pitiful, and looked like an idiot. But she was alive. That was Taiga’s reality. She wouldn’t run from this. She had cried, but she wouldn’t die like this.

Because she wanted to become strong.

Because that was the truth.

She remembered the Miss Festival contest. Even in that time, she stood up. She would stand up now. Even without Ryuuji’s or Minori’s support, she would somehow do it by herself. From here on out, she really would show them she could do it alone. She would stand.

Taiga raised her face, wet from her tears.

She accepted it all and took it in. Even if she was embarrassed, she would live. She would lose many things, she would bear a lot of pain, she would become ragged and raise herself up and then, someday, she definitely would become a real, strong adult. For her own future, she damn well would stand up. She would fall many, many times in the process. When that happened, she would tenaciously rise again. She was abandoned by her parents? Just come at her. She was suspended from school? Just keep it coming. Ryuuji also left? What more have you got? They could come at her with anything.

This was all practice for the rest of the long life ahead of her that she would have to live alone.

But she called his name out of regret for one last time, “Ryuu…damn it! Ackh!”

She sneezed loudly.

She was too cold in her bare feet with her shoulders exposed. Her nose was also running. Taiga gritted her back teeth, sniffled, and slowly got up. She brushed off the stuff that had gotten on her knees. She wiped her face, which was itchy from the tears and snot. Then she stood, walked, and uncoolly went back into her condo.

Now, she really was alone.

It happened after that.

At the exact same time Taiga came running out of the condo entrance, Minori had been standing on the other side of the street. It wasn’t coincidence; Minori had headed to Taiga’s condo to ask what Taiga’s true intentions were.

But then…

Minori, who had seen everything, understood completely. She knew that what she suspected hadn’t been off at all.

***

I really did it, he thought.

In the winter sky, the stars and moon winked romantically, terrifyingly illuminating Ryuuji’s contorted demon face.

Ryuuji was standing at the school gate, still in the bear kigurumi. He had just realized he left the present for Minori in the pocket of his suit, which he exchanged with someone from another class whose number he didn’t know. He messed up right at the very end. Minori hadn’t appeared yet, and he didn’t know where the guy was. It might have been that he went home because Ryuuji disappeared.

He went out into the night thinking that the guy might have been hanging around nearby, but it didn’t seem like anyone was around. What should I do, he thought as he cradled the bear head under his arm, looking slovenly as he breathed out mist. He didn’t have the present for her, and he didn’t know how to break the ice with her.

I’ve really done it, Taiga. His single mistake caused his soul to shake with anxiety. Suddenly, he grew timid and thought he would rather run from there. He felt like the reason why he didn’t was because Taiga had kicked him in the back, and he felt she had handed him the phantom baton. If he didn’t continue and hand it off, then Taiga’s feelings wouldn’t move forward, either. The relay from his dreams wouldn’t continue on.

He had lost the present, but he wasn’t empty-handed.

Ryuuji gripped the bear head, which felt cheap and made from synthetic fibers. In the cold wind of the winter, he faced his own weakness. The thing he wanted to show Minori was always within him. What was the point of running from that? He straightened his back, which had been rounded in the baggy kigurumi, and stood straight with his head held up. He didn’t have the Gucci suit, but he could make sure he took Taiga’s present into his hands.

That was when it happened.

“Hey!”

“O-oh!”

The one who appeared with light footsteps was Minori in a knit cap. Minori, whom he had been waiting for that entire time, finally appeared.

The inside of his mind went white. As though he had gone numb, his body stiffened.

Minori, who was in a down coat and jeans with a red-checked scarf wrapped around her face, raised her gloved right hand up. Her nose was red from being exposed to the cold wind. She was sniffling, but she smiled anyway.

It wasn’t because of the cold that Ryuuji hesitated. He started to become flustered and trembled more than he thought he would. First, he would thank her for coming. He would explain his funny getup. Then, he would explain why he had so wanted her to come to this place, and then… All the things he had thought the moment Minori appeared in front of his eyes all disappeared. He internalized it desperately and righted himself.

“That’s a nice bear you’ve got there, Takasu-kun.”

Minori was the first to say anything. More or less standing at attention, Ryuuji looked at Minori, who was finally having a conversation with him for the first time in a long time.

As though noticing his gaze, Minori pulled her hat down low. Pretty much automatically, Ryuuji pulled up the knit cap that was hiding her eyes.

“…”

“…”

The two of them remained speechless. Minori once again grabbed the hat and pulled it down. Ryuuji once again pulled it up. She pulled it down. He pulled it up. They continued their meaningless feud, and then finally…

“K-Kushieda!”

…Ryuuji stole Minori’s cap. Minori seemed to harden up for a moment. He didn’t know what she was thinking. She covered her face with her hands. 

He wanted to grab her wrists and look at her face. He tried to pull her hands away, but Minori was really quite strong, and she wasn’t going to move them easily.

“Wh-what is with you?!” he said. “What is it?!”

“What’s with you, Takasu-kun?!”

“What’s the matter with you?!”

“Takasu-kun, you’re, you’re…ah, who cares! Daaaaaah!”

Ryuuji couldn’t speak. Minori unfairly had both hands firmly latched onto Ryuuji’s mouth.

“Bergh…bah…ugh?!”

“Takasu-kun…sorry, let me talk first.”

Then as though to push her face between her outstretched arms, she turned her head down fiercely. She wouldn’t show Ryuuji what her expression looked like at all. Then she continued in a low voice. 

“So…do you remember?” she said. “We went to Ahmin’s villa during summer vacation and the two of us talked at night. About weird things. We talked about UFOs and ghosts and stuff.”

“Buh…ubuh…?”

He nodded. What about it? Ryuuji faintly tilted his head. He couldn’t tell what Minori was trying to say.

It was true that they had compared UFOs and ghosts to love. The ones who could see, saw them everywhere, but the ones who didn’t, couldn’t even feel they existed, or something like that. Then she said she might have been one of those people who couldn’t see them. That’s right. That was why Ryuuji wished for Minori to see UFOs and ghosts at every chance she got.

But why was she bringing that up now?

“So, I think that I’m okay with not seeing UFOs or ghosts, actually. I think it’d be better if I didn’t see them. I thought about it a lot recently, and that’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I…wanted to tell you that, Takasu-kun. So I’m going home.”

What meaning was there in saying that now?

“Sorry for telling you all this stuff. I’m going home now.”

Minori gently released her fingers from Ryuuji’s lips. She slipped the knit cap from Ryuuji’s hands.

She pulled it far down to hide her eyes. Then she gave him a one-handed salute. It looked like only her mouth was smiling. Then Minori turned on her heel.

In wide strides, she quickly started heading home almost like she was power walking.

What?

In other words…

She had felt that he might confess and rejected him before he could?

“Huh? Seriously?”

Had he been rejected?

Really?

Was that what that just was?

Was this what that was?

“Did I just get my heart broken?”

In the street in the middle of winter at night, Ryuuji stood stock-still. He just had question marks in his mind. There hadn’t been a chance to talk about presents—she hadn’t liked him at all to begin with. 

He didn’t feel the pain yet. He stayed standing there, dumbfounded from the blunt impact, and looked up to the heavens.

“Even if it broke, it would be put back together.” He didn’t think it could heal.

“When it broke, it could just be remade.” He felt he couldn’t make anything anymore.

“That was why there was no reason to cry when it broke.” He couldn’t even cry.

Even so, he looked for Orion, which should have been shining.

He looked for someone his voice would reach.

The heavens rotated grandly.

***

It was December twenty-fifth, ten in the morning.

Yasuko found Ryuuji collapsed in the kitchen after she woke up. Only he knew how long he had been collapsed there. He had caught the flu and was running a temperature of over thirty-nine degrees Celsius.

He was carried off and admitted to the hospital, though he still wasn’t fully conscious. After getting the news from Yasuko, Taiga, who had come to the hospital making a huge commotion, also had strangely puffy eyes and was sniffling. She didn’t know what happened on that Christmas Eve night until two days later when Ryuuji finally regained consciousness. 

Like that, still scarred and banged up, the year came to a close. Christmas and his cleaning spree, and everything else melted away and disappeared into Ryuuji’s fevered dreams.

“And then I had a Samurai resurrection…”

Ryuu-chaaan, keep it together! Stay with us! With his mother’s voice in the background, Ryuuji’s near-boiling brain continued speaking about his cryptic delusions.

“I’ll use the murder beam with Taiga, bibibi, bibibi… I want to destroy this world…probably… But my dad works behind the curtains, and when you take off his mask, there’s Kushieda’s face… Why, why, Kushieda. What are you? And the spinster had her red thread cut and got jealous and bought…a condo…”

In the magic world fluttering with flames, Ryuuji fought something with a sword in his hand. He jumped into the air, cut through shadows, and while yelling the names of his moves, somewhere in his heart, he lamented: “I didn’t get to throw away the bulky trash this year!”

“It was a…disguise of high rank…”

Pull yourself together, you weakling! She double-slapped him with her small hand. Oh, his eyes opened a little! his mother exclaimed. Stop, it hurts. But he couldn’t form that into words. Ryuuji simply, single-mindedly, continued to cut meaninglessly through his enemies in the magic world.

Ahh, this isn’t fun. It’s not fun at all.

Even if he opened his eyes, what was he supposed to look at?

In this night sky, the stars had already all exploded and disappeared.

And then he blacked out.