Toradora! - Volume 9 - Chapter 2

Chapter 2

After the nuclear war, civilization was destroyed, and with the proliferation of virus-based biological weapons, ninety percent of the world’s population was obliterated. The remaining humans created their own colonies and could only wait for extinction. However, having lost their masters, atomic-reactor-equipped robotic weapons from the old civilization continued the “war.” They became enemies of those who survived and attacked the colonies.

One day, a boy living in a colony was chased into the historic “ruins” while escaping the robots. In the back of those ruins, he found and woke a slumbering battle android. No one knew that encounter would change humankind’s fate! That’s the story so far!

“Why are all the survivors men? They’re missing the better part of humanity.”

“It’s because most of the ones who survived the virus were really strong guys.”

“It’s not like guys would date each other just because of that.”

“That battle android isn’t a guy. It’s sexless. Plus, the guys aren’t actually dating each other yet, they’re just getting really close.”

“You seem like you’re following the story pretty intently…”

“It’s because they had me read the script before the broadcast.” Kitamura Yuusaku proudly pushed up his glasses and pulled the top off his bento box. There was seaweed stuck to the bottom of the lid. “Oh, oops.” He diligently reshaped his seaweed until his lunch was back in order. 

Sitting diagonally across from Kitamura, Ryuuji also spread out his lunch. Though he’d made it himself, he didn’t feel happy in the slightest as he was reunited with his familiar but uninspired side dishes.

Disquieting words that were far too heavy for lunchtime, like “kill it,” “die,” “the apocalypse,” and “nuclear fusion” washed over the classroom. Once the third semester had started, someone had objected to the student council monopolizing the school broadcasts, and so the student council’s five-day-a-week “Supporters of Your Love” program now had to split time with the drama club’s radio play. Though the play’s cast seemed to consist of girls talking in rough voices, in actuality, that wasn’t the intent. The drama club consisted entirely of girls, but all the roles in the screenplay were male. 

One of the girls grumbled, “Kill it!” in a low voice…for the hundredth time. Feeling a little fed up with it all, Ryuuji poked at his chicken stew with his chopsticks.

“Aren’t they going a little heavy on the brutality? Shouldn’t it be like, something that’s more appropriate for lunch? Don’t they have something more pleasant like a funny story that’s better for a girl’s voice?”

“The story might be kind of too complex to do in short broadcasts. Anyway, they wrote this for the girls.”

“I don’t think they’re listening—or anyone else for that matter.”

Ryuuji and Kitamura’s eyes nonchalantly went around the classroom. It seemed there wasn’t a single person lending an ear to the earnest performance flowing from the speakers. Ryuuji and Kitamura were probably listening to it most seriously. Incidentally, Noto and Haruta had gone to the school store and were in the middle of a bloody battle to buy bread, so they probably wouldn’t be coming back for a while.

Kitamura’s handsome face had a slight wickedness to it as he murmured in a low voice, “I knew it. We should have just had me on the radio forever. Well, we did feel like we were running out of material.”

“Actually, your show wasn’t that popular either… Well, I can’t actually tell you that.”

But you just told me that! Oh, you heard me? The two oafs kept up their easygoing exchange.

“No no no no no no no! You don’t neeeeeeed to!”

A high-pitched girl’s voice interrupted them from by the window. It was Kihara Maya who had raised her voice. Kashii Nanako clung to Maya’s arm, her face frozen. Unusually, Ami wasn’t with them. Instead, the two of them were faced by Taiga, who stood there imposingly.

“Why are you so adamant? You’re not the one who asked about it.”

“All I asked was whether you were feeling better! No one asked for a show and tell about your gash!”

“But seeing it is the best way to show you. A puncture wound is worth a thousand words.”

She was probably trying to say A picture is worth a thousand words. She really is Minori’s friend…

“No matter what happens, Aisaka really is Kushieda’s friend, isn’t she?”

It seemed a similar thought occurred to Kitamura. Incidentally, Minori wasn’t anywhere in the classroom.

I-It’s…i-it’s, no! You don’t need to! Ahh! Maya wailed and pushed Taiga away. Even Nanako seemed repelled by the idea.

“I’m bad with these kinds of things. Plus, it’s lunch, so please just stop! Right, I’ll give you a meatball! Okay?”

She thrust out a plastic fork with the meatball offering. Taiga opened her mouth wide and accepted it. Nanako and Maya looked at each other and sighed in relief.

“But this doesn’t change anything! Now, feast on this with your very own eyes!”

Ahhh! The two beauties were cornered by Taiga, who pulled the bandage on her forehead off to show them her still healing wound. Ryuuji tilted his head. This was elementary school-level bullying. 

“Stop, Tiger!” 

“No, go for it, Tiger!” 

A group of boys with their lunches spread out nearby were jeering. When Taiga turned around and bared her teeth at them, though, they ran away at full speed.

“Seriously,” said Ryuuji, “what does she think she’s doing…”

“Well, at least she seems healthy.” To Ryuuji’s exasperation, Kitamura just kept eating. He practically looked like he was in a commercial for seaweed lunch boxes. “What a relief. She’s healthy and smiling again because of how brave you were, Takasu.”

“…”

Ryuuji stared at his friend. Kitamura noticed his gaze.

“Well, of course I get it. If she asks me what happened, I’ll tell her I saved her. That’s what you want, right?”

“…”

“Hey, what’s going on? Why’re you looking at me like that?”

He was thinking that the reason Kitamura hadn’t asked about anything must be because he already knew. He couldn’t actually say it out loud, so he just thought it.

Immediately after the incident, out of nowhere and without any explanation, Ryuuji had asked Kitamura to “say that you saved Taiga,” but Kitamura hadn’t tried to ask why. He just said, It’s not your fault, and did as he was told.

Kitamura knew Ryuuji had liked Minori, but that Ryuuji’s heart was broken on Christmas Eve and that Taiga was acting strangely on New Year’s. At some point in spring, Taiga had confessed to him, and then he had gotten help settling his own unrequited love. At that point, Kitamura had had a weirdly healthy relationship with Taiga, neither of them attempting to cross the lines of friendship. 

In other words, Kitamura must have known for a while that Taiga liked Takasu Ryuuji. That was what Ryuuji thought.

“Stop it! I won’t give anything up, no matter how passionately you look at me!”

Of course, the only ones in the whole world who could have known what happened in the minutes that Ryuuji spent pulling Taiga up from the cliff were Taiga and Ryuuji—or rather, maybe just Ryuuji.

“You kind of have double lids…like they look super crisp…”

“What’re you talking about? I swear I haven’t gotten any surgery.”

Even more terrifying—maybe it wasn’t just Kitamura who knew. There was a possibility Ryuuji was the only dim-witted idiot without a clue. Ami might have known, too. I hate you because you’re an idiot—the knife-like words she’d stabbed him with could have been about him making Taiga help him with his own unrequited love while he was unaware of Taiga’s own feelings. Ami might have been pointing out his own foolishness.

And then there was Minori. The reason why she was so firm about not accepting his feelings might have been because of Taiga, too.

At any rate, the only thing he knew for sure was just that he was most definitely an idiot. If Taiga hadn’t been so clumsy, he might be oblivious even now. He might have just accepted everything Taiga had done for him, thinking, It’s because she’s actually a really nice person!

But if he was going to go through with pretending nothing had happened, that wasn’t much different, either.

“Stop that, Aisaka! You’ll get it infected!” Kitamura finally spoke up as the class rep. It seemed he had finally gotten riled up once the girls started screaming.

Taiga glanced over their way while chasing Maya and Nanako around. With a gutsy smile, she took big strides toward them. “Look! It’s already all healed up!”

“Whoa…!”

“Ahh!”

She stripped the bandage right off.

Ryuuji saw Taiga’s wound close up. The cut was just a few centimeters long and nestled in the middle of a yellowing, healing bruise that had a five-centimeter radius. Though the wound had closed up, it was still covered with raw-looking hardened blood.

“Why’re you showing us that while we’re eating?!” Of course, any normal person would be surprised seeing that. Ryuuji automatically felt the urge to bonk her head.

“Oh…but, you’re right. It’s mostly healed over!” Though Kitamura had also been taken aback like Ryuuji, he put up his thumb, a giant smile coming over his face. 

“Right!” Taiga happily cocked her head to the side and returned the thumbs up.

Why?

Why was it that she would strangle him, hit him, and trip him, but give Kitamura a smile and a thumbs up? If she liked him, why didn’t she act… No, no, no. Why did he want her to act any differently when he’d already decided to forget about it?

Maybe things really would have been better off if he were still oblivious. If he didn’t know anything, he wouldn’t have just thought something so lame. He would have smiled dryly, just thinking, She really does like Kitamura.

“I got away with just this cut because of you, Kitamura-kun. Thanks for saving me!”

“Oh, no no no…no, no.”

Kitamura waved his hand vigorously in front of his face and veeery slowly turned his eyes to look at Ryuuji’s face. Ryuuji pretended not to notice. 

Taiga didn’t even notice the odd expressions on the two boy’s faces. “Why are you here, Kitamura-kun?”

“Huh?! Am I not allowed to be here?!”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. Earlier, Minorin ran off saying she needed to go get the athletic field for her club or something. She was saying she wouldn’t lose to the soccer club or whatever. Aren’t you a captain, too, Kitamura-kun?”

Oh, that’s what you meant… Kitamura righted himself and pushed up his askew glasses. “Actually, the girls’ and boys’ softball teams merged the other day, and Kushieda officially became their captain. So, I resigned from my post. I’m still a member, but there were some things I really couldn’t do while being student council president.”

Oh, really? Really. Taiga and Kitamura grinned as they exchanged words. Ryuuji pretended not to notice as he ate bamboo shoots he’d boiled in a soup base.

“But still, I’m so relieved you’re back at school safe and sound, Aisaka. Why did you have to miss a whole week of school though? Everyone was super worried.”

“Heh heh heh. A little something came up.”

Taiga cast a glance at Ryuuji. What she probably wanted to tell him was that telling everyone else she had been skipping school was useless. Her eyes held their shared secret as the edges of her mouth twisted up. I know, Ryuuji replied with his eyes as he drank his half-finished, tepid oolong tea.

I wish I could take all the secrets and stuff I have to hide and gulp them down like my tea, he thought, so I can just lock them away in my stomach… 

“Takasu, Yuri-chan is asking for you!” A classmate called out to him.

“Yeah!”

Ryuuji didn’t close the top to his bento box but gestured at his seat with his chin to Taiga. 

“You didn’t bring lunch, right? I haven’t touched most of it, so you can eat it. I haven’t really got an appetite today.”

“Huh? But…” Taiga looked down at his lunch, seeming troubled.

Kitamura smiled like an old lady and said, “Just have it.”

“I don’t have chopsticks… I don’t wanna use yours. Give me disposable ones.”

“Pretend that disposable chopsticks don’t exist in this world. Instead, I want you to know that there are rainforests being destroyed.”

“Ugh, shuddup…! After a week without you, it’s like your annoyingness is just surrounding me.”

“If you don’t want to use them as is, then just wash them.”

Eco-jerk, Taiga yelled, and he left the classroom without even turning around. As he walked, he thought. Would other people think it’s weird that I gave the lunch I’d been eating to a girl? Guess it is weird… Yeah, it would be weird.

But, he thought, if things really hadn’t changed, he would probably still have done something like that. If he didn’t give it to her, she might have even stolen it.

In that case, he ought to do now just like he would have done before. If he was going to insist that nothing had changed, he had to convince himself of that through his own actions.

***

There was a sprinkling of other students in the teachers’ room during lunch break. There were some eagerly holding textbooks in one hand while going through school questions, and several girls had made camp and spread out their lunches around a young, popular male teacher. Up ahead, someone waited for Ryuuji at the edge of the second-year teachers’ island.

“Why haven’t you turned it in? It’s very, very important…”

The bachelorette (age 30), aka Koigakubo Yuri, nursed a lunch of stewed vegetables and soba noodles from delivery. The plastic wrap still on the bowl was clouded white on the inside, and her noodles were probably growing progressively soggier in that instant, Ryuuji imagined.

“Everyone else turned them in like they were supposed to… It’s so unlike you to forget something, Takasu-kun…” Koigakubo Yuji’s gaze went uneasily to the soba noodles that were growing more waterlogged by the second. As though remembering what she was doing, her gaze went back to Ryuuji’s face, but then she took another glance at it.

“Please eat… I’m listening. Your noodles aren’t going to be good for much longer.”

“Huh! No, no, it’s fine. You haven’t eaten yet either, right, Takasu-kun? I can’t go slurping down these noodles. That wouldn’t be right as a teacher.”

“I’ve already finished lunch, so please eat. It’s actually making me worry now.”

“I-Is it? Sorry. I didn’t have much time, and there were a lot of things I needed to finish, so many things.”

The single teacher skillfully used a hair clip to put her curled hair in a half-updo, pulled off the plastic, and broke her chopsticks apart as she watched Ryuuji. However, just as she reeled in the noodles with a chuckle, she stopped.

“Um…look, there was that thing that happened during the school trip, right? When Aisaka-san went missing.”

“Yeah…”

She poked at the cloud ear mushroom she had fished from the bottom of the bowl and said, “So I was thinking that maybe you were so worried, Takasu-kun, maybe even too worried about Aisaka-san, and that it might have had an effect on you—that it might have messed with…the cogs in your head.”

The cogs in your head—he’d never thought the day would have come when his homeroom teacher would say that to him. Ryuuji was at a loss for words, and an uneasy silence settled between the two of them. As though evading the awkwardness, Koigakubo Yuri stuck a mushroom into her mouth.

“Because, look, phoo phoo, you’ve been pretty out of it lately. Plus, you’ve been forgetting things like now. You’re really worrying me as your teacher, Takasu-kun. Especially when it comes to taking care of yourself mentally. I wonder if that’s what you need? That’s sort of what I’ve been thinking.”

Ryuuji watched her slurp down her noodles. “I’ve had a lot of things going on!”

The soup sprayed out onto the confusion of class materials on her desk, and stains formed on her free real estate magazines. Ryuuji hated free magazines. He didn’t think they were useful. Those things are basically just advertisements polluting the world, and they waste resources! If you’re just like, Whoa, it’s free, and collect a bunch of things that you don’t even need, of course you’re not going to be able to clean your place anymore! Just throw that stuff away! Actually, just don’t even take it to begin with! 

Ryuuji held down the hand that urged him to dump the magazines into the trash. Don’t rampage, my eco spirit!

“Yeah, I have a lot to deal with, but isn’t that normal? Plus, the reason why I didn’t turn in my future aspirations survey wasn’t because the cogs in my head were messed up. It’s because my mom and I have different opinions, so I’m still in the middle of working on it!”

“Oh, really…?”

“Yes. Real-ly!”

Unusually for him, Ryuuji pouted defiantly and looked down at the homeroom teacher who had been slurping the soba noodles with eyes like a hawk in the middle of a killing dive. This damn spinster (age 30)! All you do is eat delivery! That’s way too much sodium for your diet! You try to buy expensive, super weird real estate! …wasn’t what he was thinking, though it also wasn’t necessarily far off.

The day before, he really had talked to Yasuko about his future while eating pork daikon soup. He’d even told her, I need to write and turn in what my future aspirations are because that’s what they’re using to split up the classes next year.

Yasuko’s answer was, “‘Imma study my hardest!’ That’s all you need to write. ☆” And that was all she’d had time for before she had to hurry off to work. Of course, she was fast asleep when he left for school, and the thick smell of alcohol filling the room was practically enough to get him drunk, too, so he couldn’t talk to her then, either.

Ryuuji wanted to have a proper talk with Yasuko about the printout before turning it in because of his Oedipal com…or rather, because he was serious. This was about his future, and he wanted to take it seriously. There was no way he’d let someone blame that on the cogs in his mind!

“I see, I see.”

Koigakubo Yuri popped a fish cake in her mouth and waved around her chopsticks.

“Well, Takasu-kun, you’re a really good student, so there isn’t much for me to worry about, anyway. I have high expectations for you, which is why I’m being so nosy. That’s just how teachers are.”

“Expectations?”

She raised her eyebrows slightly, and Ryuuji realized that the homeroom teacher’s eyes were moving as though searching for something in his expression.

“Please don’t. My family’s poor.”

He felt like she was going to say something, so he got to his feet before she could, but she just silently placed her chopsticks on the rim of her bowl. She turned a smile to him.

“Anyway, please bring it in as soon as possible, okay? The only ones in the class who haven’t are you and Aisaka-san, Takasu-kun.”

“Taiga, too? Then why did you only call me in…”

“That’s because I only just gave Aisaka-san the printout. You have a lot of things going on, too, but keep that apart from this. Be sure to make time to talk to your mom and to think about it.”

***

Ryuuji excused himself from the staff room. His footsteps towards the classroom were heavy, and his feet felt like they could stop at any moment. 

His homeroom teacher said to keep things separate, but it wasn’t that easy. He couldn’t easily imagine the ever-changing future when he was trying to pretend nothing had changed. On top of that, he fundamentally didn’t see eye to eye with Yasuko. Yasuko wasn’t seriously thinking about the state of the Takasu household’s finances—she just had her head in the clouds. Trying to persuade her of that would be an ordeal in itself. He felt like he was going to faint.

“Haah…”

He gently supported his head with his right hand as it swayed to the side.

He was probably feeling faint because he hadn’t gotten much sleep the past few days. His feet, which should have been heading back to the classroom, instead guided him toward the deserted breezeway. He needed to rest a little more before he could face Kitamura and Taiga, who were probably eating their lunches together. He would most likely add to his pile of lies if he were around them.

But when he reached the middle of the breezeway that continued on to the gym, Ryuuji felt like he couldn’t breathe. He opened the window and breathed in a lungful of air so cold it made his lungs sting, and flapped his mouth open and closed like a koi fish.

No matter how much he breathed in, he was in agony. Even when he stuck his head out the window, he still felt caged. Everyone else was moving forward, and he was perfectly aware he was the only one at a standstill. That applied to his future, too. He felt like he was being left in the dust in a lot of ways.

None of this was okay. He knew that. It was like he was just haphazardly patching problems as they came apart at the seams. He wasn’t actively fixing a single thing. He wanted to do things the right way, but he didn’t know how.

Maybe the cogs in his head really were out of place. He was the son of Takasu Yasuko-chan, after all. His screws and springs and who knows what other things might have been falling out without him even noticing.

“Maybe…maybe I really am a failure of a person?”

The lone, ill-favored boy talked to himself as he crouched by the window frame. He noticed the dust and small dry leaves jammed into the window gutter and realized that if he kept his face pushed up against it, he might break out in hives. Ryuuji pulled a tissue out of his pocket and wrapped it around his index finger without skipping a beat. Then he scrubbed at the gutter like someone’s mother-in-law.

What a depressing person I am… He was at least self-aware of that much.

A person who was the exact opposite of himself came to his mind. That was Kushieda Minori. 

He’d thought she was a bright person ever since he met her. She smiled at him without batting an eye, even though he had a face that made him look like some fishy delinquent. He kept his head down to hide his sinister face from people’s eyes, but Minori was always open and honest, looking up at the sun. That was why he had loved her.

In that moment, he realized once again just how tough Minori was. She wasn’t just bright, kind, and cute, but also had the will to firmly continue down her own path. Sometimes she hurt those around her (like me!), but she never turned back and also never stopped. What he had thought was an admirable sunflower, turning up its lively petals to bask in the light of the sun…was actually more like an iron missile aiming to blow the sun out of existence.

The reason he’d decided to end his unrequited love for Minori was because he had witnessed her up close and decided he couldn’t follow along with her. He didn’t mean that in a bad way, though. He just didn’t think he could keep up with the speed at which she went through life. However, even after snuffing out the flame of his love, he still wished he could have been more like her.

“Kushieda, you…”

In the end, what he adored was an idea. In his mind, his desire to live like she did hadn’t changed.

“You probably see me as nothing but some big tit…”

“Of course I don’t.”

“Whaaa?!”

Ryuuji was so surprised, his body couldn’t keep up with how quickly he spun around. His indoor slippers squeaked stupidly against the ground as he fell right onto his butt.

“Wh-when did you start listening?!”

“‘Kushieda, you probably see yourself as Seabiscuit and me as the War Admiral…’ is the part I walked in on.” She looked serious, her forehead wrinkled and her unyielding eyes gleaming jet-black. “Like I said, I don’t think that. We’re not horses.”

“What’s wrong with your ears…?!”

Ryuuji couldn’t exactly call what his heart was doing right now “fluttering,” but it was helplessly astir that day. Why had Minori appeared now? On top of that, she wasn’t making any sense. 

“So you’re saying you want the mustang special, huh?! Naahh!”

“Get yourself together! You’re dangerous! Calm down!”

Minori pranced in front of him. Ryuuji spread his arms automatically. He had jumped out in front of her very accurate depiction of a rampaging horse, but if she were running around the school like that, she was sure to cause an accident.

“What? Why are you stopping me? I was just trying to go back to the classroom like normal.”

“What kind of person runs around inside a building like that?! That’s definitely not normal!”

“You finally said it,” Minori sang in a high-pitched voice. She switched direction, swung her arms around, and started dancing the robot. Ryuuji was at a loss for words. He had forgotten it recently, but this was the kind of person Minori was…

“Whaaat’s going oooon, Takasu-kun? Don’t stand around drooling ectoplasm. You gotta go back to the classroom, too. What were you doing hanging around this remote region in the first place?”

“What are you doing around here? You’re not stalking me, are you?”

He’d put everything he had into following Minori’s devoted jests with a joke of his own, but, in that moment, Minori suddenly came back to her senses. 

“What’re you saying?”

She seemed exasperated as she looked back at Ryuuji.

“I was at the gym teacher’s office to give back the meeting room key. I was just coming back. The mystery is the reason why you’re here, Takasu-kun.”

“I—”

I’m here because I can never become like you.

It’s because I can’t plow forward through the days like you. I’m trapped by all kinds of things, and I’m going to be stuck here forever—he really couldn’t say that.

“I just had Koigakubo tell me that the cogs in my head are messed up, so I was here dealing with the shock from her saying that to me.”

“What? Your cogs? Wh-what did she mean?” 

“It’s because I didn’t submit the future aspirations printout. Plus, there’s yesterday’s…outburst from when I was half-asleep. Apparently, I’ve got her really worried.”

“Oh, right, the dream and the yelling.”

Minori didn’t seem to be making fun of Ryuuji at all. She came to the window, and her breath turned white as it mingled with the cold outside air. She turned to Ryuuji.

“Isn’t it great that Taiga came back home safe? So, so, so, so great.”

Her mouth turned up slightly in a smile.

“So, about that time. If you two hadn’t come with me, Takasu-kun… If I had gone to look for Taiga on my own, I wonder where we would be now. Taiga might not have been the only one in trouble. I’ve been imagining all kinds of ‘what ifs’ and I feel like I might dream-cry sometimes, too.”

“You, too…?”

Of course. Minori, in her Minori-like way, nodded ambiguously.

It was so cold. Ryuuji kept some distance from Minori as he placed his elbows against the window. They were in the same pose. Their shoulders rounded up, and they shivered. 

The light, frozen clouds dotted the sky like sorbet, and the weather was clear, though the northern wind seemed to be lethal that day as well. Not a single building obstructed their view beyond the window, and they could see far down into the streets of the town. The inconspicuous color of the residential buildings, the roofs of the detached homes, and the apartments continued on until they were interrupted by the river, before continuing even further on to the garbage facility’s two chimneys. Smoke billowed from the gigantic, red and white-striped cylinders that turned to the skies. Was that really healthy for the environment?

“I thought I could save her by myself.”

Ryuuji saw Minori’s words come from her lips and mix with her white breath next to him. 

“But actually, she’d fallen down that cliff. I really couldn’t have saved her on my own. I’m glad that I didn’t misjudge that back then… I never would have been able to find Taiga on my own. You did a really great job figuring out where she fell, Takasu-kun.”

“About that—”

Something glittering had led him to Taiga.

“—That was because I saw the hairpin dropped in the snow.”

Minori stretched her neck to peer out the window. Their eyes met, and Ryuuji turned away in spite of himself, but Minori wouldn’t look away from him.

“That hairpin wasn’t a present from Taiga to me, was it? You were trying to give it to me, but couldn’t, and then Taiga gave it to me, right? Isn’t that right? If I were to guess…it was when we met at Christmas Eve, and maybe you were trying to give it to me as a present?”

“Uh.”

As though she had already predicted Ryuuji would be speechless, Minori nodded. He’d actually neglected to take the hairpin with him during their meeting on Christmas Eve, so her guess was technically wrong, but he of course couldn’t tell her that. Ryuuji could only look back at Minori’s face.

Of course she wouldn’t know everything. He felt that deeply as he spoke. 

“How did you…”

“I reasoned it out. Actually, sorry. I really didn’t know at first. I really thought that it was a present from Taiga.”

Ryuuji couldn’t understand what she was sorry about. “Are…are you trying to apologize for wearing that hairpin or something?”

“I am.”

I have amnesia. I don’t remember what happened on Christmas Eve. So, Takasu-kun, just follow along with me and act as though nothing’s changed… That had been her attitude until now. Now, for the first time, Minori was talking about the night of Christmas Eve. The night she hadn’t acknowledged Ryuuji’s feelings.

“I wanted to apologize. I’d decided I wouldn’t accept it and ended up hurting you, but then I still wore it in front of you, Takasu-kun. I’m sorry. Really, I am.”

“You don’t have to…” She’d finally acknowledged that she hadn’t forgotten what happened. “Are you suddenly apologizing now because…Taiga came back to school?”

Minori didn’t answer Ryuuji. Her eyes just glittered under the sky in the middle of winter. The wind blew at her hair.

Minori might have been the same, Ryuuji suddenly thought. Even Minori, who looked like she was plowing her way forward, might have felt like she was at a standstill like him. Maybe she had ever since that Christmas Eve.

Then, because Taiga returned safe and sound, she had decided to settle things.

“Where is that hairpin now?”

When Minori asked him that question naturally, Ryuuji tried to answer her naturally, too. “It’s in my room. You want to use it?”

“No. I won’t. I won’t take it.”

I thought you would say that.

He wanted to smile and say that to her. You decided to make things right, Minori, and that’s made things right for me, he wanted to tell her.

“I’m…”

But his breathing was off.

“…jealous of you.”

He still couldn’t take that great leap. He wanted to move forward like Minori, but he still couldn’t. He couldn’t walk that easily. He couldn’t crawl out of that blizzard.

As long as he couldn’t forget that voice, Ryuuji couldn’t move forward.

“What’s wrong? What’s with the outburst?”

“I feel like I’m trapped…like I’ve been left behind. There’s something I want to forget, but I can’t. So…”

The blizzard still raged on in his mind. The madly swirling ice fragments were under his weakly closed eyelids, as well as the tears that spilled from under his eyelashes.

“I can’t stand how much it hurts.”

The voice echoed in his ears.

Amid endless loneliness, Taiga had decided she would live alone and silence her feelings forever. That might have been the one time she let her true feelings slip though. 

“The thing I want to forget that I can’t is—”

Boof. Minori’s fist made slightly rough contact with the side of Ryuuji’s downturned face.

“The moment you decided you wanted to forget about it guaranteed you’d never forget about it, obviously. People don’t even remember the things they can forget. It’s because you can’t forget it that you want to forget it. I think if you’re hurting because of it, there’s not much you can do about it.”

“But…I need to forget it. I think they want me to forget…” As though pushing back on Minori’s fingers, Ryuuji turned his face to her. Minori didn’t ask “what” or “who,” but just listened as he talked to himself. “That’s why I want to forget.”

That wasn’t entirely true. It wasn’t as though Taiga wanted him to forget. She hadn’t intended to tell him in the first place. Taiga’s thoughts on the matter were that things would be fine if she never told him and kept everything closed up inside forever.

That was why—that was why. That was why he needed to forget—

“I’m jealous of you because you look ahead. It’s because you actually move on. How can I look forward like you?”

Minori was silent for a while. Eventually, she puckered her lips and blew out a breath of white air.

“It’s about deciding.”

A grin spread over her face.

“You have to decide the direction you want to go. If you can’t do that, you wouldn’t be able to tell where forward is, right? Takasu-kun, where are you headed? Is there a place you want to be? If you don’t have that, you can’t move on.”

A place he was headed.

A place he wanted to be.

When she told him that, Ryuuji once again realized he didn’t have a reply for her.

Even he didn’t know where he was headed or where he wanted to be. He might never have had a destination in him to begin with.

Ah, I see—I just can’t move forward. Of course I’d never end up anywhere. I didn’t even realize it, but I’ve just been staring up at the sky.

“Kushieda, do you know where you’re heading?”

“Of course!” Minori didn’t hesitate to reply. She danced out behind Ryuuji and hopped lightly, ignoring how her skirt flipped up with her exaggerated movements as she deftly motioned as though to throw a ball. It was an underthrow. Her hair bounced over her shoulder. Minori’s eyes seemed to follow the path of the distant ball.

Ryuuji was more jealous than anything of how her eyes could look like that.

Quite a few students passed through just before the lunch break ended. Ryuuji and Minori had talked too long and froze themselves to the bone, so they were both shivering as they made their way down the stairs. They saw the person at pretty much the same time.

“Oh. Ahmin!”

Kawashima Ami had just come out of the staff room. 

It seemed as though she alone floated out from among the throng of students. Her long arms and legs, her slender figure, her height, her white skin—everything about her stood out from the passersby. Ryuuji was firmly reminded again of how different Ami’s presence was from the rest of them.

Her beautiful face, which seemed to have a faint glow to it, turned to them when she heard Minori’s voice. Minori lifted up a hand and waved it at her.

“…”

Ami acted as though she didn’t notice. Without even looking at them, she left. Minori silently put down her right hand.

“Are you still fighting?” Ryuuji asked.

“I’d say we’re in the middle of making up…or at least I am.”

Minori didn’t stop. She kept moving forward in the hallway Ami had just walked through. 

It seemed that even Minori had unfinished business.

***

“We juuust talked about this yesterday, didn’t we?” As she mixed her natto beans, Yasuko’s already round eyes became even rounder. She looked quizzically at her son, who was sitting across from her. “You just gotta write ‘Imma work hard at studying!’ Why didn’t you turn it in?”

“We’re not done with this conversation yet.”

He had prepared dinner earlier than usual and waited until they were eating to talk.

“I want you to really think about it seriously.”

“I am sooo serious.”

“Even if I go to a public school that’s close to home, I’ve talked to a ton of people, and it’ll apparently cost about ten million yen for four years. If I only get into private schools, it’ll cost even more. How’re we going to do that?”

“Huh? There aren’t any good places around that you can get to from home. You can’t do that! You’ve got a good head, Ryuu-chan, so if you can get into a private school you should. You should aim for a good one in Tokyo!”

Natto explosion! Whoo, it’s so stretchy-wetchy! Yasuko pushed a natto bean, followed by a trailing thread into Inko-chan’s birdcage.

“Ahhh!” Inko-chan turned around, slobbering, and took the bean in her beak. Their bird could even eat natto.

“Like I said, that’s not what we’re discussing.”

Yasuko’s bowl, the table, the birdcage, and even Inko-chan’s beak were connected by a stretchy string of natto. Ryuuji grimaced as he twirled his chopsticks in the air and reeled in the thread. Yasuko had no makeup on and was in a fleece jacket from Uniqlo, and, of course, still had her hair up in a bun as she happily slurped at her miso soup. Her eyes were glued to the TV. She probably intended to sing at the store today, but was humming a pop song that was likely two generations obsolete.

“Ah!”

Ryuuji turned off the TV.

“The point is, with the way our finances are, it’ll be tough for me to go to college.”

“That’s so not true!”

Yasuko pouted and tried to take back the remote, but Ryuuji quickly hid it under his sitting cushion.

“It’ll be tough. Accept that.”

“Why? That’s not true. Next year, you’re a third year, and after that, you have four more years, right? It’s not like my salary’s going to get lower or something.”

“How can you be sure? For starters, what’re you going to do if the store goes out of business?”

“It won’t. We’ve got tons of customers.”

“Maybe the owner will make a mistake with another store.”

“Huh? You can’t know that’ll happen.”

“Like I said, you don’t know what’ll happen… After I graduate, I’ll join the workforce right away and make enough income for both of us to eat. I’ll save up, and then, later, I might be able to go to college. That, or I’ll find a place that’ll give me enough scholarships to—”

“You can’t do that!”

For once, Yasuko stuck her face right up to him and loudly shot him down. 

“Ryuu-chan, you’re going to study as much as you can and go straight to the best school there is! If they give you scholarships that means you’re the best they have, right? You can’t do that! You need to jump into a place that’s filled with tons of A-students so you can study up! Unlike me, you’re smart, so you need to get the best education you can, and stretch yourself as much as you can, and have the beeeeeest life you can. ☆ That’s why you can’t work hard at anything that isn’t studying! Look, there’s that thing people say, right… My teachers used to say it a lot when I was going to school. What was it again, um… If you rub…the family jewels…they’ll glow…or something?”

“If you polish a gem, it’ll glitter?”

“That’s it! Ryuu-chan, next year you go into the smart class and study your brains out and go to study hall and prep school for the entrance exams and then take the tests. Whoo! ☆ I wonder what kind of path you’ll go down? I’m looking forward to it! Maybe medical school? Or maybe you’ll be a vet? A pharmacist or a dentist? A scientist would be great, too! It would be great if you studied the latest advances or became a lawyer or maybe you’re suited for something else! Right! How about you go overseas? I’d be so lonely! But I think I could be patient for you!”

“…”

He couldn’t say anything anymore. The son was speechless as he looked back at his mother, who was seeing rose-colored dreams of the future. She brought her Kyoto-style pickled fish to her mouth and nibbled on it. She liked it when it was slightly singed.

How idiotic.

She was going on about him being a doctor? What was she saying? Apologize to the whole country’s medical exam test takers and their parents, why don’t you? 

As he mixed his natto in irritation, Ryuuji finally thought of a way to make his mother see the real world. He skillfully wrapped the strings of natto around his chopsticks and cut it off, then rudely walked on his hands and knees to the dresser in the corner of the room. He opened a drawer, took out a bankbook, and thrust it in front of Yasuko.

“Hm? Hm! We actually have a lot tucked away! Eh heh!”

He felt like falling over but desperately pushed through. 

“Does it look like we have a lot to you? Half of this is going to go to spring term class fees. Plus monthly rent, heat and electricity, and living expenses, and then you need clothes and makeup since you work in hospitality, and we can’t skimp on that. No matter how much we cut, we can barely save anything each month. At this rate, where would the money come from for me to go to med school?”

“Uhhh?”

“Don’t go ‘Uhhh!’ Ugh, I really need to get a part-time job. If I can at least bring in fifty thousand yen in a month…”

“You can’t! You can’t work!” 

Yasuko threw up her hand. The strings of the natto dangled in the air from her chopsticks, and Ryuuji, flustered, tried to reel it in. 

“If you work, you wouldn’t be able to study! Plus, there’s no meaning to living a life eating cold meals separately from your kid every day! That wouldn’t be a good life at all! You can’t say stuff like that!”

“It’s because you keep talking about me going to college that we have to talk about this!”

He almost felt like the last two years had been wasted. If he had worked with the same intensity that Minori had, then he might have saved up enough by now. He might have made enough that they wouldn’t have to have this painful argument.

“It’ll be fine! It’ll turn out okay!” 

Yasuko flashed him a peace sign and smiled. That face normally always made Ryuuji go silent. If Yasuko, the adult, said it, it felt as though things really would turn out fine—but Takasu Ryuuji was seventeen, nearing eighteen. He could finally see the truth. 

There were things that even your parents could do nothing about. You couldn’t believe your parents when they said, “It’ll be fine.” Yasuko had probably been doing everything she could to make sure Ryuuji never had a single worry. 

It’ll be fine, it’ll turn out okay, I’m your mom so just leave it to me. As long as you’ve got me, everything will be fine…

Just because you haven’t got a dad doesn’t mean that you’re any less well off than the other kids. Your mom’s a super mom! Mom’s forever young and always cute! Also, what have we got here?! Mom has a special psychic power! So, if anyone tries to grab you, I’ll be right there to save you, Ryuu-chan. If you’re in an accident, I can make it like it never happened. Money grows on trees. You don’t have to worry about a single little thing. Just leave it all to Mom.

We’ll be happy forever.

“I don’t think it’ll turn out fine…”

The gentle fairy tales of his childhood were over. Ryuuji believed that.

“It will be! I’ll do something about it! So Ryuu-chan, don’t worry about money. ☆”

Yasuko nodded broadly. But Ryuuji wasn’t a kid who would fall for that anymore.

Yasuko went to work. Unable to write anything for his future aspirations printout, Ryuuji ended up doing the laundry and his homework instead. He was bored, but didn’t feel in the mood to watch TV, so he lackadaisically caught up on his English studies. With his natural-born attention to detail, he wrote up the spellings for his English vocabulary, but then his mechanical pencil paused.

Where was he headed, earnestly studying like this? He didn’t have a place he wanted to go, and he didn’t have the ability to get to the place he was supposed to go, anyway—he stopped himself from going any further. If he took one wrong step, he might tumble into an unbelievably despairing world.

When he looked outside the window, Taiga’s bedroom light was still on. He could see an even stronger light on inside, which could have been her desk light.

Taiga might be studying…or she might be reading a manga or a magazine. She might have been on the internet and coarsely slurping down cup ramen. Ryuuji put his hand to the cold window and stared for a while. However, in the end, he couldn’t see Taiga beyond the curtain. He didn’t have any reason to, so he couldn’t call her either. He had just wanted to check whether he could see her.

Taiga was heading in the direction of not being able to tell him her feelings. She had turned her back to Ryuuji and decided to move forward by sealing them away. In that case, Taiga would end up growing more and more distant until he lost sight of her. Even if things remained unchanged, even if she humored Ryuuji, Taiga was leaving him behind.

Ryuuji, who was left behind with nowhere to go, had no one—not even Taiga—to take responsibility for him. 

Tired, he tossed away the pencil.