Toradora! - Volume 9 - Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Huh. Taiga blinked slowly, twice.

“A cake shop? You mean Ya-chan?”

Ryuuji nodded in response.

“Yeah. From Monday to Friday, from ten to four. She’s getting nine hundred yen an hour.”

“But Ya-chan always sleeps till noon, doesn’t she? She doesn’t even get home until four or five in the morning. What’s up with that?”

“I tried stopping her, of course, but she decided to just do it and started working last week.”

“Really…?”

Taiga’s eyes were filled with ambiguous blame, but Ryuuji really had tried to stop Yasuko as soon as he heard she was doing it. It was just that he couldn’t force her to stop when she was working while he was at school.

It was after school now, and they were in the interview room that was also commonly referred to as the “lecture room.” Ryuuji and Taiga were waiting for their teacher to make an appearance.

Ryuuji sat at the desk that was installed in the center of the room so that four seated people could look at each other, and Taiga was standing in the doorway. In order to keep Ryuuji completely out of her vision, she rudely sat down on the windowsill, letting her feet swing under her.

The sealed-off air of the four-and-a-half-tatami room felt strangely quiet. Even the voices of the clubs out on the grounds faintly echoed the moment their conversation cut off. The silence brought increasing pressure with it.

“It’s just that, that—”

Rata tat tat tat. Ryuuji hit the desk with his fingertips as though playing an unplayable piano.

“She said that it’s on the same street as her job right now. She said they were advertising for a part-time job, and she was saying she might be able to bring home the leftover cake, too, or something…”

“You really just can’t shut up.”

“What?”

“That tap tap tap tap thing you’re doing.”

Taiga leaned her weight on the window frame as she unskillfully jerked around the fingers on both her hands. Ryuuji got what she was trying to say and laid his hands on top of each other on the desk.

After school the day before, Taiga had happened to run into Yasuko in front of her condo as she was going home, and found out Yasuko had taken on an afternoon job.

“But I wonder why Ya-chan’s gotten another job.”

“It’s because I talked to her about how I might not be able to go to college since we don’t have money. The day after I said that, she said she’d do something about it and went and found a job.”

“So it’s your college fund… Being a ‘mom’ is so hard.”

“I probably got called here because I didn’t turn in my future aspirations printout because of all the stuff going on, but why’re you stuck here?”

“I didn’t turn it in either. I’m pretty sure we’re here for the same reason.”

“Why’d you not turn it in? Is it because you don’t wanna talk to your parents about it?”

“No, that’s not even close to it. It was just such a bother that I forgot to do it.”

Taiga, still sitting on the counter, twisted so she could breathe on the windowpane. She used her fingertip to draw a heart in the spot that fogged up.

“Uh…”

Though she was scribbling nonchalantly, Ryuuji had a legitimate reaction to her doodle. His shoulders pointedly shuddered. What was Taiga trying to tell him? The heart was an expression of L-O-V-E, and the object of Taiga’s affection was—

“Look, Ryuuji…”

“Y-yeah…”

“Praying mantis.”

“I see…!”

He wanted to slump face down on the desk. The thing he thought was a heart was actually a praying mantis’s head. She had drawn in the eyes, its feelers, its body, its sickles, and given it legs, and then she had written its name above it—“PRAYING MANTIS!” In that case, that probably really was a praying mantis. It wasn’t a heart or her L-O-V-E or anything else.

“Do you even know how to write the Japanese characters for praying mantis?”

“You write the character for ‘bug’ and ‘wealthy’ and give them little swipes at the top… Then you write ‘bug’ again and the character from the name ‘Ichiro’…”

“The character from the name ‘Ichiro?’ For a bug? Doesn’t that sound kind of off?”

Ryuuji raised his head and sighed. This idiot—Taiga hadn’t been trying to tell him her feelings at all. 

“Actually, you’re completely confused about how a praying mantis is supposed to look in the first place. Praying mantis’ bodies don’t look like that. They’re divided up into their neck, their chest, and their long abdomen. They’ve got wings, too. Have you seen one before?”

“I have. I saw one crossing the street at a crosswalk the other day. Minorin poked it around with her umbrella tip, and it ran away.”

“The other day? Was that really a praying mantis? The way you drew it with that body, it just looks like a person with a really long torso. Bugs are supposed to be, like, more divided up.”

Ryuuji stood up and stepped over to where Taiga was sitting on the windowsill and put his foot up halfway on it. He then stretched himself out and started scribbling and correcting the praying mantis drawing Taiga had made from top to bottom.

“Hey! My praying mantis!”

“Don’t make it a big deal.”

The line of the abdomen Ryuuji’s finger traced turned to water droplets and dripped down the cold window. Haah. He breathed out on it and drew over the doodle with a strangely realistic praying mantis. No one could underestimate a former elementary school boy. He definitely hadn’t made Yasuko cry by collecting a bag full of butterflies to show off and forgetting them in the corner of a room.

“And their wings look like this, and their abdomens are like suuu-per long.”

“Ick! What is that thing?! That’s wrong! That just looks weird! They definitely don’t look like that!”

Ryuuji leaned his shoulder over to guard off Taiga’s pale hand, which tried to fidget with the praying mantis he had drawn from the side.

“I’m telling you this is how they look. And then, right here from its abdomen, it’s got a hairy larva like schloooop.”

“Wh-what?! What’s that line supposed to be?! Why has it got a line coming out of it from there?!”

“That’s right, they’re super gross! When you put a larva in the water, it goes like thi—whoa!”

“Ahh!”

Clatter! A loud sound erupted as the plank Ryuuji had put too much weight on came off the sill. The moment he had gotten a little too into trying to creep her out about the larva, he had put another foot on the board, and the corner had sprung up and jammed into his shin.

“Ou…chhh…!”

“Ahhh, that was so scary! Isn’t that like the stupidest way in the world you can hurt yourself?! Whoa, you’re bleeding…”

He sat down on the counter and rolled up his pants to reveal his scraped leg. Blood really was seeping out of it. It was just a scrape, so it would be fine as long as he just held a tissue down on it for a while.

“Damn, that larva…! It didn’t get enough revenge back then, and curses me even now.”

“What do you mean, back then?”

“When I was a kid, I saw one for the first time in the park swamp, so I threw a praying mantis at it and ran away, but then my leg got stuck in the swamp! I couldn’t even get back the shoe I was wearing, so I ended up having to go home in my bare feet.”

“Actually, when you say you were a kid…you mean you were in elementary school…so you had one of those cute little backpacks on…”

He didn’t know what she was imagining, but Taiga’s abdominal muscles twitched, and she started laughing out loud. Aha aha aha. She covered her mouth and gave Ryuuji glances as she said, “With that face.” …Please, just stop.

“Don’t laugh. Everyone’s been in elementary school at some point in their life!”

“But your time was special! Aha ha, I wish I could have seen it!”

Ryuuji, irritated, shifted on his butt away to the edge of the sill. Damn it. Taiga kept laughing and muttered, “A Ryuuji even tinier than me.” She happily clapped her small hands together.

The time when the person you like was small is special, or whatever, I guess.

He glanced stealthily at Taiga who was caught up in glee and let his imagination roam. He wondered whether Taiga secretly cherished these moments when Ryuuji talked about the memories of his youth or when they had short, mundane conversations like they were now.

“Because I can’t help but like Ryuuji.”

Did she relive these moments by herself, unable to tell anyone, all alone, with a hidden smile she couldn’t let anyone else see? Would she remember these moments again and again, until over the month and years, they would fade from her memory?

“How long are you gonna keep laughing…?”

“Ugh, I feel so stupid. It just sort of got me. Ugh! Come to think of it—right!”

They sat on the same counter but were still far apart. Directly to the side of him, Taiga continued to smile as she clapped her hands together and turned her face to Ryuuji.

“The ramen place Minorin works at really got me, too! You’ve gone, right? Minori mentioned it!”

“Yeah…so you went there, too? With who?”

“By myself. Minorin invited me, and at first I didn’t want to go, but when I sat down at the counter, it was fine. It’s like, ‘What is this? It’s so good!’ That spray of boiling water is kind of a hazard though.”

“You mean the reincarnation cycle, right?”

“Their normal ramen topped with garlic is the best! I’ve gone three times now. You’ve only gone once?”

“Yeah. I just went with Haruta and Noto. The line was super long.”

“You should go more often! There weren’t a lot of people lined up before six, and Minorin was so sad. She was saying, ‘Takasu-kun and the rest of them only came by once and haven’t come back a single time.’”

Isn’t that great, Taiga implicitly said by shrugging her shoulders and curling the corners of her mouth up slightly. Isn’t that great Minorin is thinking about you?

She probably didn’t say that out loud because she’d decided not to intervene unless Ryuuji asked for help. Ryuuji still didn’t respond as he looked back at Taiga’s face.

He wanted to look at her face—the face of the person who gave Minori the hairpin present Ryuuji hadn’t been able to hand over, who looked for that present when it had fallen on top of the snow, who stepped out onto a cliff, and who went missing in the blizzard.

He wanted to know what Taiga could have been thinking after she forgot what she told him—It’s because I like Ryuuji—and now that she was still worrying about Minori. Even if he knew that slightly meddlesome kindness was her way of showing goodwill, Ryuuji still wanted to know what could have driven Taiga to do that. If it was hurting her, he wanted her to stop. Don’t do it, he wanted to tell her.

Taiga didn’t mind Ryuuji’s silence. She twisted her slender body to press her forehead to the windowpane so she could look outside.

Her grown-out bangs reached the tip of her nose, and the line from her forehead to her chin glowed faintly white. He didn’t know where she was looking with her downturned eyes, but her expression as she did so was unexpectedly mature. Even her fingertips, touching the window glass, were devoid of any child-like roundness. Her slender fingers tapered elegantly to her long, rounded fingernails.

The doodle of the praying mantis had formed into droplets on the window and long dripped entirely away.

Kushieda will never like me. If he tried telling her that again, would Taiga deny him? There’s no way. Minorin likes you—would she say something like that again? Minorin must have just gotten the wrong idea about the relationship we have with each other.

What if I said that Kushieda knows that you like me, so she’d never like me…? 

He thought Taiga would instantly reply back, Then I’ll stop liking you. It’ll be fine because I’ll pray to the Patron Saint of Broken Hearts for my feelings to disappear.

Her prayer hadn’t been fulfilled, then. Right, it was during New Year’s, when she was with Kitamura… No, it must have been when she had gone shrine-visiting with Kitamura. In order to cheer on Minori and Ryuuji more than she already had been despite the fact their bond had been severed on Christmas Eve, she had decided to erase her own feelings.

Ryuuji was still speechless. Taiga’s beautifully maintained nail tips were thin and transparent. He just stared at the light shining through them.

When Taiga went missing, he thought everything was so straightforward. He would never let go of Taiga’s hand again, no matter how it looked to everyone else. If that was how terrible letting her go would make him feel, then he would never leave Taiga’s side. 

“Koigakubo Yuri, you’re late…” Taiga swung her feet as she let the complaint slip out.

Ryuuji closed his eyes and tried to pull through the sudden blizzard that chilled his whole body.

Taiga had abandoned him to fend for himself in that place.

It was Taiga who let go of his hand, and who was leaving him further and further behind.

The sound of his own heart echoed hotly in the back of his ears. Because of that, his ears and throat hurt. His face felt strangely hot, and he tried to act natural as he held his cheeks in his hands.

“Seriously, what is that spinster doing after she was the one who called us out here like this—whoa?!”

“Ahh?!”

It happened in that moment. 

CLATTER! An even louder ruckus than the last echoed as the top plank of the windowsill tilted forward, tossing Ryuuji and Taiga down onto the floor. Unable to withstand the weight of the two high school students, it finally broke. 

“Wh-wh-wh-what just happened?!” 

Taiga made a full rotation and plopped on the ground in a seated position. Ryuuji, being Ryuuji, made an abrupt landing on his knees and was rubbing his incredibly numb kneecaps. In times like these, the differences between their reflexes really became obvious.

“Hhhhhgh!” Ryuuji wailed soundlessly as the door opened in front of his eyes.

“Sorry for making you wai…oh! You broke the furniture!”

As she came into the interview room, Koigakubo Yuri’s mouth gaped wide open, and the bachelorette (age 30) seemed to purposefully drop the writing instruments she held on the floor. She had a taste for relics of the past century.

“We didn’t! It was just a poltergeist!”

What a shame! Taiga made a huge deal out of it as the bachelorette homeroom teacher grabbed Taiga’s hand, pulled the girl up to her feet, and sighed. “What am I supposed to do with this?” she muttered as she glanced at the misplaced middle plank. “Really now. Ahhh, I can’t believe you did this! You two sat on it, didn’t you?!”

I have no idea what happened, even Ryuuji and Taiga’s breathing were in sync as they both identically waved their hands rapidly in front of their faces. However, the lines of doodles on the window were unshakable evidence, and even though nothing remained of the doodles except vestiges of water, Koigakubo Yuri had already seen through the whole tragedy. She looked at the two problem children as though exasperated.

“Oh well… Here, take a seat!” Her tough face was three times more intense than usual.

“I don’t want to! Oh, it’s already past four! It’s time to leave, so I’m going home!”

That face seemed to have no effect on Taiga.

“No, no, you can’t! It’ll be really fast!”

Taiga sulked like a child as the bachelorette teacher grabbed her hand and made her sit in the chair next to Ryuuji. Taiga reflexively braced her feet and turned her head away to face the window. The bachelorette sat across from them and scowled.

“You know what we need to talk about, right? Why haven’t either of you turned in your future aspirations survey yet?”

“I’m—well, sorry, I still haven’t been able to come to an agreement with my mom…” Ryuuji uneasily replied. Taiga remained silent as she scratched a spot right below her nose. Her expression said that she considered the whole situation to be somebody else’s problem.

“Takasu-kun, Aisaka-san, you both have good grades, so at least just choose whether you want the humanities or science course. I think you would both automatically get into the class you want.”

“Wait, about that… Please wait a second. Just actually take a moment.”

“Takasu-kun, you said you were hesitating because of your financial situation, right? This is ultimately just a survey to split the classes. This paper isn’t going to decide what recommendations for colleges you get, or anything like that at all. You don’t need to worry so much.”

She spread out new printouts in front of them and placed two pencils on top of the desk. It seemed the single teacher was telling them, “Write something down right now.” However, Ryuuji obstinately pushed the paper back at the homeroom teacher.

“But…if I actually went to college because of this, and actually got into a public school, I think I wouldn’t be able to change my mom’s mind. Actually…right. Next year, my mom really will expect me to go to college, and I’ll really be in hot water.”

That was just his current situation. If he took the college exams and got slammed with real bills, just how much more work would Yasuko try to take on?

“I don’t want to get her hopes up and then betray her. I don’t want her to go through all that trouble. That’s why I want my mom to actually accept that I’m not going to college anytime soon. I don’t have a dad, and I don’t want to cause any more trouble for my mom.”

“Is the only hurdle your financial situation? It’s not as though everyone who wants to go to college is rich. If you want to go, you could get scholarships or a low interest student loan. We have national aid just exactly for kids like you.”

“Please give those to someone who wants to go more than me.”

“Then in other words…”

Koigakubo Yuri leaned back slightly and locked her eyes directly on Ryuuji’s face.

“You yourself, Takasu-kun, want to go straight into the workforce? Your mom hopes you’ll go to college, but you’re saying that’s impossible because of your financial situation?”

“I think that’s what’ll end up happening in the end… My mom’s just got her head in the clouds, and she’s insisting on the impossible. I can’t get through to her at all, so I couldn’t get my thoughts together until now.”

“Takasu-kun, um, there’s just one other thing I want to bring up.”

When the teacher tapped a pen against the desk, Ryuuji’s eyes went to her hands automatically.

“In the last few years, this school’s employment rate has been zero. Some kids didn’t get work or just fell flat on their face, but we haven’t had a single student graduate in March with a full-time job lined up for April. Other schools have career guidance or job offers from companies every year or qualifications curriculums to get third year students jobs by spring, but that’s not our school. I’d like you to consider that.”

In other words, she was probably trying to say, Going to this school isn’t going to get you a job. Ryuuji couldn’t clearly see the intent behind what his teacher was saying. He felt a bit overwhelmed.

“I’m not even thinking of anything big like that… It’s not like I want to do something specific or anything. It’s just, when I finish school, I want to get a stable income as soon as possible. That’s it.”

“If that’s really what you want to do, Takasu-kun, then I’ll try to help you as much as I can. You could start a part-time job after the midterm tests. I think it’d be good if you got some work experience.”

“A part-time job—well…right.”

“But, Takasu-kun, I can’t help but think…you haven’t ever rebelled against your mother up until this point, right?”

“Huh…? What? Rebelled?”

Ryuuji tilted his head to the side quizzically. He thought that she would continue to explain what she meant, but instead she continued, “So based on what we’ve just talked about, Takasu-kun, I’d like you to think this over again. So then—”

Koigakubo Yuri turned to the next problem child, Aisaka Taiga.

“What about you, Aisaka-san? What are you thinking about for your future?”

“I don’t want to say this right after Ryuuji’s said that about money, but…” Taiga glanced at Ryuuji’s face before she muttered in a low voice, “I’m rich. I don’t need to lift a finger for the rest of my life, so there’s no reason for me to study. I don’t have anything I want to do, either. When my parents pass away, they’ll probably leave me with money, so I’ll just live on that until I die. So…I don’t have anything to write on this piece of paper.”

“Why are you…both so…”

Koigakubo Yuri held her head and practically fell over on the desk.

“You don’t want to do anything—anything at all…? You can put down whatever you want. If there’s anything you’re interested in or that’s aspirational… For example, you could even write ‘I want to be a singer!’ You could write that you want to draw manga or that you want to make traveling your job. Right, you could even be a schoolteacher, ha! How about that? Huh? You don’t like that?”

Taiga pouted in silence, exchanging a look with Ryuuji from the corner of her eyes. The three of them were silent for a bit. Eventually, Ryuuji was the one who bit the bullet.

“Is deciding not to go to college really that weird or crazy?”

Not at all! The bachelorette shook her head vigorously side to side.

“That’s not the issue. It’s just…look inward a bit more and focus on how you’d like to live for yourself in the next ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, or sixty years. All I want is for you both to think about it. You can’t blame anyone else, and no one else can take that responsibility.”

“I’m fine with this.”

Ryuuji made up his mind once and for all as he took the pencil and smoothly wrote words in the blank space. His hope was to take the “science course.” After graduation he “wanted to work.”

The issue was just that he hadn’t gotten consent from his mother—but that was probably fine at this point.

He had tried his best to make Yasuko see the truth, and even tried talking to her about it more than once. If she didn’t get it even after that, he wasn’t going to be so gung-ho about getting parental permission. He would decide things for himself and work toward everything himself. That was all he could do. He believed there wasn’t any other way. 

If someone said that wasn’t what he “wanted,” then what did he want? He didn’t even have a place to go or a direction he was heading in, so where was he supposed to set sail to fulfill his desires?

Nothing would come of it. This was all he could do. 

“Yasuko…my mom refuses to acknowledge that I have to give up on going to college because of our financial problems, and I think that’s what’s holding her back. She’s been trying as hard as she can to be a good parent for me until now, and she’s done everything possible to keep me from being worried. I don’t want her to have to tough it out anymore. That’s what I hope for.”

2-C, Takasu Ryuuji. He signed the printout and pushed it towards the teacher. The teacher’s lips, which were lined with a beige-ish shade of pink, moved faintly as though she wanted to say something, but instead she replied, “I see… Then I’ll take this.”

She put the printout into a binder. Taiga watched that with bright eyes.

“Then do something about the window, have Aisaka-san write something, and then you can go home. If you can, please bring the printout to the staff room.”

Koigakubo Yuri left the interview room with those parting words. Ryuuji sighed. He felt incredibly tired, but he still needed to do physical labor. He certainly was at fault though, so he had nothing to complain about.

“Ah well, I’ll work on this stuff, so you just hurry up and finish writing something up.”

“I’ll help with that, too.”

“If you help, it’ll take way longer, you klutz. If you want to hurry and get home, write that up.”

Hmph, Taiga reclined in her chair.

“Who cares about the future? It’s stupid… What’s going to happen if I write something on this paper? I can’t believe you’re being such a goody-two-shoes about this. You’re going to work? Like really? You haven’t even had a part-time job before.”

“That’s what I came up with after seriously thinking about it. I just never had a part-time job because Yasuko would have stopped me… You’ve gotta think about this stuff, too. You’ve got to think about yourself seriously every once in a while.”

He decided to place the thin inner metal plank in first. Luckily, the board itself hadn’t folded over or warped at all, so all he had to do was watch his fingers and stick it back in. Ryuuji picked up the somewhat hefty plank and swallowed his breath. “Oof,” he supported the plank with his knees and stuck it back into the middle of the sill.

Taiga was silent for a while as she watched him, but then slowly pulled the printout over to herself and crouched over it. He thought she had finally gotten in the mood to write something down.

“Tah-dah!”

“What do you think you’re doing?! Hey, wait a sec! Stop that! Why you!”

Taiga had a simple, folded paper airplane pinched in her right hand. Before Ryuuji could even stop her, Taiga stood from her chair and opened the window.

“Fly with the wind!”

“Ah!”

She aimed the airplane out into the midwinter air and threw it out past the dripping praying mantis. The plane drifted on the wind better than expected and eventually did a somersault in the dark skies before falling straight to the ground.

“You…idiot! How could you do something like that?! We’re going to get it! Are you serious?!”

“It’s fine, I don’t need that thing. Just leave it.”

Taiga was still looking out the window as though it had become someone else’s problem. She wasn’t looking for the now out of sight paper airplane. She snorted haughtily, so that Ryuuji could see the white puff of her breath.

“I don’t need that thing. Who cares about the future? Who cares about having interests? Nobody knows what’ll happen with that stuff. No one can see what’s going to happen in the future—not even me. I don’t want anyone telling me what to do like they know. What am I supposed to write? What am I supposed to hope for? Even if I have aspirations, they won’t come true anyway. Even if I do everything I can, I fell off a cliff, and all I did was cause problems, didn’t I? I realized that while I was licking my own wounds.”

At the intensity of the words she spat out, Ryuuji didn’t know how to reply. But the things he had been thinking and Taiga’s words had suddenly synchronized.

“Thinking about it is useless…but I know you’re going to tell me ‘Don’t say that’ anyway.”

“I’m not.”

Taiga turned around at Ryuuji’s words.

“I’m thinking…the same thing as you,” he said.

Taiga watched Ryuuji nod as he spoke. Her large eyes grew even wider. I don’t want to say this, but, he prefaced his words before he continued, “We’re weird, aren’t we? I’m poor, and you’re rich. We’re in completely opposite situations, but I guess the end result is the same.”

“Why… But didn’t you want to go work?”

“If someone asked me whether I actually wanted to work, well, I can’t say yes. I think Miss Single is telling me all this stuff because she knows. This is just how reality is. Because of how reality is and because doing anything else wouldn’t result in anything, I just thought it’d be better if I chose to work. I thought that had to be the ‘right answer.’ That’s what I ‘want.’”

When he tried saying it out loud, he backtracked, That’s pretty irresponsible. He understood why his teacher had reason to worry. 

He was sure that once he failed, he would just end up saying, “But that was all I could do right then!” He was doing it for Yasuko’s sake, so he was right. 

He knew he was planning out an escape route before he even progressed forward. He really was doing this for Yasuko, but he also knew that he was just justifying his choice. He was trying to put himself in a safe zone. He was escaping into the protection of overwhelming righteousness. He wanted the world to think, “Takasu Ryuuji made the right choice.” “He’s a good kid.” 

In actuality, he knew. Ryuuji just didn’t have the courage to look into the hollow cavity that was a gaping, terrifying maw inside of him. He knew he didn’t have the courage to face the powerlessness he felt from not having a place to go.

He wasn’t tough enough to watch and believe in the trajectory of the ball he had thrown with his own hands. He also wasn’t brave enough to just send his future flying right into the midwinter sky. That was all this was.

“Don’t you think I’m pitiful? Why don’t you criticize me for it the way you normally do?”

“You…”

However, Taiga didn’t insult him. She didn’t yell You dog! or You pig! at him or call him an insect or a pile of dung or a lecher. Her mouth twisted, and she dropped her eyes to her own toes. Her voice got low.

“If you’re calling yourself pitiful then…what am I supposed to be?”

The Palmtop Tiger, who supposedly knew no fear, put her head down.

“At least you’re looking toward what’s ahead. It feels like you’re thinking about what you can do, like you’re making the best of it. I…I can only see what’s in front of me right now.”

Taiga’s gaze might have been following the curve the paper plane had traced. The winter sky started to become even darker, and the far-off streets blackened until they looked like waves piling on each other at the edge of the ocean.

“I’ve just been in denial about who I am for so, soo, soooooo long. I’ve been thinking about why I ended up like this and what I could have done to avoid turning out this way.”

That’s all I can do, Taiga continued to murmur as she stood up. 

“For example, if my parents were just normal parents…if I could have had a normal life and if the three of us lived in my condo together as a family, I wonder what would have happened? What do you think?”

She turned her back to Ryuuji, pushing her face against the windowpane.

“If I’d lived next to you in a normal three-person family, and we met like normal people do when we were put in the same class in April, I wonder what would have happened to us?”

Ryuuji tilted his head slightly at the word “normal” that Taiga kept repeating. Then he thought about it. In April, he had been so happy about being in the same class as Kushieda Minori. Everyone around him still confused him for a delinquent. What would have happened if he met Taiga then?

“I wonder if you would have still put a love letter for Kitamura in my bag…”

“Who knows? I might have.”

“Then you would have snuck into my house… That’s the kind of girl you are. Well, it doesn’t matter. You would have come to my house, settled things, and then gone home like a normal person—right. If you had a normal family, you wouldn’t come by my place all the time. For starters, you wouldn’t even be able to sneak in because you would have parents to stop you. If that happened, I might have never gotten to know you. You might not have gotten to know me, either.”

You might not have ended up liking me—of course he couldn’t say that out loud. Ryuuji still thought it as he used his knees to bring up the top plank of the counter that had come loose. 

“But I think things would have been better if I’d just been normal…” Taiga grumbled as though she were speaking to herself. She still had her back turned toward Ryuuji.

“Oh, right!” She was excited now, as though she had suddenly thought of a joke. “I did want something—I wanted to love someone like normal!”

“Huh…?”

BAM! The plank he had been holding fell.

He fixed his positioning in a fluster, but he couldn’t regain the breath that had flown out of him. What did she just blurt out? Love? Love?! That basically means…

Basically, she means me?!

Ryuuji hesitantly brought up his face to look at Taiga. His neck was stiff, and he was shaking to an embarrassing degree. Taiga, what are you trying to start? What kind of expression did she have on her face when she made that explosive declaration?

“I’d be normal and grow up in a normal house and grow up to be a nice, normal girl and meet someone like normal and get to know them like normal and then we’d have normal…I just wanted to fall in love with someone like normal! I wanted to like someone and have someone like me and for the two of us to just be together. We’d just be together and—” Taiga continued. “…We’d just be happy as long as we were together or something like that. That’s the love I want.”

Taiga didn’t seem like she was pretending to like someone specific. Her face was contorted painfully, as though her stomach hurt. That expression doesn’t really match what you’re saying, he wanted to quip back.

Why did she have such a glum look on her face when she was spending time with Takasu Ryuuji, the very person she couldn’t help but like? Her eyes seemed clouded over and dull; she seemed to be gasping with her open mouth, and her eyebrows knit together as though she were in pain.

Huh? The moment he thought that, the counter’s top plank snagged on a small nail and made a terrible noise. He dropped it, straining his eyes to see Taiga’s face better and suddenly was standing as straight as a rod. A feeling rose up in his chest, like something was oddly out of place. It hung over him like a dark shadow.

The thought came to him automatically, “Things are going well with your mom, right?”

He thought about whether she was tending to her wounds, alone and lost in her own thoughts.

“Why’re you asking that?”

Grasping at the air, he clumsily stretched out his hand. What? She pushed his hand to the side easily, looking gloomy. He didn’t mind. It wasn’t like he’d know what to do if he touched her.

He just really did want to ask her about it. Even though her dad was the way he was, even though she was spending time with Ryuuji, and even though she just had her fill of happily spending time with her mother, why did she look like that—why was she making that face?

She looked as though she had lost everything. She looked even worse than when he first met her.

“Everything’s going great,” she said. “Swimmingly, in fact.”

“Really?”

“No matter what I say, we’re still a broken family. Even if it’s not much, right now, our relationship is a lot better than what’s going on with your family.”

“It’s not like I’m having a fight with Yasuko or anything.”

Oh really? Taiga lifted her eyebrows. “That’s fine in that case.” 

She started walking away on her own.

“Hey, where are you going?! What’re you going to do about the printout?!”

“I’m going home now. I don’t care about that thing.”

Taiga didn’t even turn around as she left the room in long strides. The door slammed shut, leaving Ryuuji behind once more. She had batted away the hand he stretched out to her, and he was all alone. It felt the same as when the snow fell out from under his feet in his dream.

Regardless of that, he couldn’t recklessly follow after Taiga.

The good kid Takasu Ryuuji-kun needed to fix the windowsill until it was perfect and to tell the bachelorette (age 30) waiting in the staff room that Taiga ran away.

He went back to the classroom, finished getting ready to go home, and got his bag. After that, Ryuuji opened the staff room door. He wasn’t to blame in the first place for Taiga running home before him, but it still weighed on him slightly.

Sorry to intrude, he grumbled, lowering his head a bit as he stepped in. It was well past the time to go home, and the teachers were at their desks writing things or talking with each other. He could hear a commotion of several voices behind the partition for interviewing, even from the distance where he was.

He tried to call out to Koigakubo Yuri, who held a red pen in one of her hands and seemed to be grading a quiz.

“Ms. Koigakubo, please help convince her, too!”

A male teacher, who was the class year supervisor, poked out of the interview space and got to her first. Ryuuji swallowed his words and shied away.

“Kawashima won’t listen to a word we say.”

“But I told you that I have to turn you down. I told you earlier, too.”

Oh. Ryuuji’s eyes opened wide in spite of himself. He wasn’t thinking, I’ll destroy this staff room with my evil eye beams! School coup d’état accomplished! I’m in charge starting today! He wasn’t planning anything like that at all.

“Oh…”

Ami had appeared behind the class year supervisor and another teacher, and he was just surprised by her appearance. Ami also saw Ryuuji’s face, and her lips parted slightly, but she didn’t exclaim, “Oh, Takasu-kun! ♥” or say anything in her usual sweet tone.

“Well, we need to respect what Kawashima-san wants… Oh, Takasu-kun! Where’s Aisaka-san?!”

“Uh, umm, she ran off.”

“What?! Why?!”

“I couldn’t convince her no matter what I said… I’m sorry. I’m going home.”

“Then can I go home, too? I’m heading home.”

“Uhhh, wait a sec, both of you!”

The bachelorette teacher looked at Ryuuji, then at Ami, and then at the teachers, who seemed to still want to say something to Ami. She looked flustered. She stood up with her pen still in her hand.

“Um, uh, just wait right there for a bit, Takasu-kun! Kawashima-san, uh—”

Ms. Koigakubo, another voice chimed in. It seemed the bachelorette (age 30) was incredibly popular that day.

“Uh, sorry, wait a sec. Huh? What is it?!”

“There’s a course content seller here.”

“Oh, right! Please wait… Th-this is bad, uhh.”

She twirled the pen in her right hand as she opened and closed her mouth. As the bachelorette (age 30) searched for words, Ryuuji could see Ami glancing at the teachers from the corner of her eyes. 

“Oh, Kawashima!” 

“Kawashima-san just ran away!” 

Ami dashed towards the staff room door in front of her. The moment the teachers looked in that direction, Ryuuji went for the back door. 

“Wait right there!” the bachelorette (age 30) yelled after him.

They met in the hallway, and assuming that the teachers wouldn’t go so far as to run after them, Ryuuji and Ami took the stairs down one step at a time. They ran to the shoe lockers as though they were racing each other. Feeling like they were partners in crime, Ryuuji tried to pick up and hand a shoe Ami dropped back to her. The first thing she said to him—and he was pretty sure this was the first time they had talked since the school trip—was, “What’s wrong with you?! You’re so annoying! Will you do me a favor and stop following me?!”

“What?! I wasn’t trying to follow you!”

“Actually, give that back to me! What were you planning on doing with my shoe?! You sicko!”

If he hadn’t gotten annoyed about that, he wouldn’t have been human. Ryuuji was overtaken by mostly subconscious anger as his head went white for a moment, and he threw Ami’s shoe with all his might somewhere.

Fly like the wind.

***

Ryuuji still didn’t really comprehend how the situation had come about, but Ami told him she was officially severing ties with him earlier.

Ami apparently hated him and herself because, in her own words, they were both “stupid.” Ami mentioned Minori had turned Ryuuji down because of something Ami had said.

After that, Ami apparently decided to cut ties with Ryuuji. She told him of that decision on the second day of their school trip and it seemed she was still in the middle of ignoring him even now.

Ami tried to avoid Ryuuji and, when she couldn’t, she very obviously tried to ignore him. He wanted to say something about her attitude or at least get some sort of explanation from her, but he couldn’t even get the chance to ask anything related to that.

“You’ve gotten real far trying to ignore me up until today.”

“…”

“You’ve been ignoring Kushieda this whole time, too, haven’t you?”

“And what about that?”

“Don’t act like a little kid. What, are you in junior high? No, this is like elementary school level.”

“Sorry to say it, but I’m not thickheaded like you and Kushieda Minori.”

“What did you say? How’re we thickheaded?”

“I can’t believe you’re acting all friendly with each other like nothing happened even though you got rejected and she was the one who rejected you. The two of you are seriously just revolting.”

Their faces were right next to each other. They were so close he felt like he could even feel the heat from her breath as Ami spewed venom at him. Then, as though she were trying to cut Ryuuji off before he could even say anything, she yelled, “You threw it all the way over there!”

Ryuuji had his bag and Ami’s bag in one hand. With his other hand, he held Ami’s elbow to support Ami as she hopped forward on one foot. They were right next to each other and touching. 

The shoe Ryuuji threw had traced an arc and fallen into a gathering of boys on their way home from school. Unluckily, the boys were right in the middle of a futsal match. One of them reflexively applied an amazing volley kick to the shoe, and another guy, who still hadn’t noticed that it was the school idol Ami-chan-sama’s shoe, caught it with his chest. He let it drop to his knee. Shoot! he said as he smacked it back up. 

“Aha ha,” the other guy laughed as he missed it. Ami’s poor shoe cleared a line of sakura trees and bounced off the roof of the bike parking lot, then went beyond the school grounds, falling into the children’s park behind it. In order to go get the shoe they would need to go out of the school gate, do an immediate U-turn on the promenade next to it, and once again head in the direction of the park.

“This is the absolute worst. Unbelievable. The pits. I just can’t deal with this.”

“Sorry… Just sit here and wait while I go get it.”

Ryuuji had Ami sit at a bench near the entrance to the park. He left their bags with her and started walking on his own. Ami’s shoe was stuck in some desolate sand like a moai statue.

This was just too hilariously terrible. He regretted throwing it. It seemed that violence had rubbed off on him during his time with the world’s one and only Palmtop Tiger. He tried to pat off the sand covering the shoe before he handed it back to Ami.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Ryuuji’s consideration to keep Ami’s hands and uniform safe from the sand didn’t get through to Ami at all.

“Why’re you ogling my shoe…ick. Seriously? No way.”

“Ick? Why ick?”

He didn’t know what she misunderstood him as doing, but Ami quickly grabbed her shoe back from Ryuuji’s hand.

“Takasu-kun, you’re really weirdly persistent about girls’ shoes… There really are some people like that, like actually. Boot maniacs, heel fetishists… I see, you’re a loafer freak…ahh!”

“I’m not! What’re you imagining?! Here then, get the sand off yourself!”

“Huh? Was that an order? How did this happen? Who do you think you are?”

“Fine, right, I’m sorry! It’s all completely my fault anyway!”

He stole the shoe again from Ami. I’m! So! Sorry! He lashed out at Ami a bit and turned the shoe over to hit it gently on the sole. The sand in it flowed out and clouded the toes of Ryuuji’s shoes.

The world was in an uproar over declining birthrates. They didn’t see a single child in the park at sunset. Several kids were running around the road at the front, but all of them were wearing alphabet-decorated backpacks from a famous college-bound study hall. They looked strangely solemn as they headed to the station.

The current inhabitants of the so-called children’s park consisted of a beautiful high school girl sitting on a bench, wearing a navy peacoat that her long, straight hair spilled over as she crossed her legs and exposed the bare sock of her shoeless foot to the open air, and some guy with a face exactly like a demon in a no-name school uniform furiously hitting sand out of a shoe.

As one more kid with a study hall bag ran by, Ami followed the student with her eyes and muttered to herself.

“Ahh, I see. Today’s already February the twelfth… The kids trying to get into private school are already in the final stages of their exam schedule.” 

“Why do you know about private junior high school exams?”

“Because I did them.”

“I had no idea… So I guess you’re like Taiga. You started private school in junior—”

“I didn’t get in anywhere, so I went to public school.”

Was there anything more awkward than that…? Without thinking, Ryuuji almost tried to apologize. Even though she was already in a bad mood to start with, Ami’s expression didn’t change as she brushed aside her long hair. 

“Isn’t the day after tomorrow Valentine’s Day?” Ryuuji added quietly.

“Are you looking forward to that or something?”

“No, not even a little. It hasn’t got anything to do with me,” Ryuuji replied straightforwardly. He continued to shake the sand out of her shoe. Many of the boys who lived in Japan would have the innocence that danced in their hearts on Valentine’s Day shattered between their fifth and seventh years of school. The generally accepted consensus was that any boy who said, Huh? Don’t normal people look forward to Valentine’s? or anything remotely similar wasn’t to be trusted.

A smile suddenly passed over Ami’s lips, and her eyes glittered like a chihuahua that found a new toy to play with as she looked into Ryuuji’s face.

“Oh reeeeally? Is that true? You can’t be thinking that maybe—just maybe—you might get some chocolates from a certain someone? ♥ Oh, but who knows? She’s the most blockheaded girl in the world. Her heart’s all muscle.”

Despite releasing so much vitriol, she was completely off target.

“The heart is supposed to be a muscle. Why were you being kept after school?”

He slipped past her remark like the sand flowing out of the shoe.

“What does that have to do with anything? Actually, what did you do, Takasu-kun? Oh, maybe you had another bad dream and yelled again~? Were you like, ‘Tigeeeeeeer.’ Hah, that’s sooo embarrassing. It’s unbelievable, isn’t it? What kind of dream were you even having? That’d definitely worry Yuri-chan.”

“What’re you talking about? I was just talking with her about my future… Well, I don’t know what’s going on with you, but everyone seemed pretty upset, and you don’t even know that the heart is a muscle. I wasn’t going to say anything, but your junior high school exams…turned out the way they did. Maybe you’ve got grades like Haruta’s and you got called up—”

“What?! No way! You’re so unpleasant!”

Her lips, which glittered faintly from the transparent gloss on them, contorted. Ami glared at Ryuuji. They weren’t too different in height, and though the glint in her eyes was terrible, he felt pretty shocked that she was the one telling him he was “unpleasant.”

“People call me ‘considerate Takasu’ though!”

“No one calls you that! You’re never considerate towards me! Actually, they asked me to be the model for the uniform picture in the school pamphlet this year, and I turned them down!”

“Oh, that’s it? Why don’t you just do it? That’s what you’re good at, isn’t it?”

“No, that’s not it! I just said okay without thinking about it the first time they asked, but…I’ve changed my mind now. I don’t want to do it. Ever.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know how long I’ll be at this school.”

“That’s—”

That’s—what?

Without thinking, Ryuuji left his mouth half-open, and he lost the rhythm of their argument as he looked back at Ami’s face. Tch. Ami clicked her tongue, and her face obviously showed that she’d said too much. Her forehead furrowed.

Ryuuji froze up. He forgot to ask her what she meant. She basically just implied she would be quitting school…hadn’t she?

He recalled Ami and Minori getting in a fight at the school trip. Their argument had escalated, and they started saying stuff they never should have. If his memories weren’t mistaken, Minori had said some harsh words during their argument.

“You didn’t take it seriously when Kushieda told you to ‘go back to your own school,’ did you…”

“Nooo. That’s not what’s going on. Ahh, this is becoming such a chore.”

Ami seemed peeved as she shook her head at him. She rudely put her sock-clad foot on top of her other knee, grabbed her ankle, and hunched her back. As though trying to take stock of the conversation, she made a motion with her hand like she was grabbing a box and pretending to set it aside, but he had no idea what it meant.

“That’s not what this is—whatever that girl said to me has nothing to do with this. Someone like Kushieda Minori wouldn’t ever affect my life at all.”

“Then why are you suddenly saying you’re leaving?”

“I’ve been thinking about that…for a while. It’s been a long time coming.”

As she said that, Ami reached out her hand like she meant to take back her shoe that Ryuuji was still holding. He automatically held his arm high so that she couldn’t reach. Ami sighed as though exasperated, but it seemed she didn’t intend to force him to give the shoe back to her. He almost thought that he might as well send it flying again.

“Takasu-kun.”

“No.”

“Seriously!”

He absolutely would not hand over the shoe she needed to walk away from him in that moment. Like he’d let her have a half-baked conversation with him and then go back to ignoring him. He wasn’t happy about Ami leaving school either. He was tired of being the only one left behind.

“I was really supposed to leave after the first trimester ended. That was the plan when I transferred. I thought that once the whole stalker thing died down, I could go back to my old school or finish my degree from home.”

“After one trimester… You didn’t mention that to anyone. Were you just planning on disappearing after summer ended when we got back from the villa?”

“I was.”

“You…Kawashima!”

“But I didn’t. Back then, I decided to stay here for a little longer. I was thinking I’d stay for the next day and for the foreseeable future… I thought if I did that that, maybe something would change. I thought that I might be able to change myself, too.”

Back then—Ryuuji was trying to recall what Ami had been like during the past year’s summer. She had been just as spiteful and beautiful as she was now. She had been wicked on the inside, and he just hadn’t really gotten her as a person, and…

“I’m regretting that I ever thought that now.”

Then what was going on with her this whole entire time… Ryuuji couldn’t help but turn his eyes away from Ami’s beautiful face.

Ahmin sure has changed, he remembered Minori saying when they talked during the culture festival.

That was right—Ami and everything around her seemed livelier than usual since summer ended. She got in fights with Taiga whenever they were in contact or approached each other, to the point he couldn’t ever tell if they were getting along or not. Whenever they did that, though, it sent the class into laughter. Though they all praised Ami’s beauty, they had all also accepted her dark underbelly and bad mouth at some point. They humored her despite her personality—no, it was more like they’d whole-heartedly embraced it, making a huge commotion in the process. 

Ami’s position in the class changed because she started showing her real personality to everyone. She stopped trying to hide, to make things up, or to dupe them, and leapt into their midst with her true feelings on display. Or so Ryuuji had thought, at least, but it seemed that after Ami took stock of everything, she regretted the days they spent with each other.

“Are you saying that you regret everything you did with us up until today, like all the stuff you did with Kihara, Kashii, Kitamura and everyone…and with Taiga, Kushieda, and me?”

“I’m really grateful to Maya and Nanako, and everyone else. I never thought they would all be so friendly to me. There were a lot of things that happened in elementary, junior high, and my old high school, but this might have been the first time I actually made friends with anyone. Things went okay every once in a while at my old schools, but it was just okay. Actually, no one’s talked to me since I transferred here.”

“Is that really true?”

“You’re surprised?”

When Ami asked him that, he nodded. He had thought that someone as beautiful as Ami would end up becoming the heart of a group whether she wanted to or not, that she would be popular, and that she would end up the center of attention.

“How could someone who thought of school as just a place you’re confined to temporarily make friends? How could someone who thought she would forget everything after graduating, who just thought of this all as a fleeting moment and as fleeting relationships, make actual connections? How can you make friends when you think your real place is at work, that your real self is your model self, and that school was just something to put up with for years? Anyone could see through that, even a kid. But I stopped being that person here, and everyone accepted me… I was so happy about that. I had lots of fun, and I treasured that so much.”

“Then…why don’t you do that—treasure it?”

“It’s too late now. I made mistakes—tons of them.”

She caught him by surprise and took back her shoe. In a show of laziness, Ami bent down to put on her shoe while still sitting on the bench. Her long hair slipped down from her shoulders.

“There we go… I wonder how I can say this… I think you’ll think this is weird when you hear it though. Um…I saw Tiger when she was hurt. I understood her feelings, and I decided if no one else would notice her, I’d be the one to save her… That’s what it was—back then.”

Ryuuji was speechless.

Kawashima Ami really might have seen everything.

“Back then, I didn’t just see Tiger unravel, but a whole bunch of other things, too. It was like everything was going to pieces…right. I really wanted to do something about all of it. I wanted to fix all of it somehow and make sure I protected the place I belonged.”

Ami pulled up her socks after putting on her shoes and stood up from the bench. She combed her hair down with her slender fingers and looked down on Ryuuji.

“On the other hand, I also got hurt, but I thought no one would notice. Why was it always me? Who’s thinking about me? Like, who would notice that I existed?”

Sorry—Ryuuji thought of saying in that moment. He wanted to say What hurt you? Tell me, we’ll go back and fix it, but he couldn’t, and even if he did, he knew that Ami wouldn’t accept that. There was no way to go back and redo things, anyway.

“I want to appreciate where I am now. I thought that was why I needed to think about that stuff, but it got bigger and bigger, and I didn’t know whether I could hold it back, and I ended up panicking because of that, too. My mistakes started piling up, and I couldn’t do anything about it… In the end, I figured it out.”

I’m just an outsider. I’m in the way.

Even though everyone accepted me, I messed up, and that’s what I ended up turning into.

“That’s not true…obviously!” Ryuuji jumped up and practically yelled. “Who’d say something like that?! Don’t mess around! You’re the only one who thinks that! If someone actually said that, I’d never forgive them!”

For just a moment, Ami looked at Ryuuji after he yelled. She raised her eyebrows, and her face contorted as though she were going to cry. When the wind sliced between them, she sniffled instead.

“But…that’s just how it is.”

She regained her composure. 

“Things were going fine without me, then I came in. I was like oh, I need to do something about that, and of course I need to do something about this. I stuck my nose into things thinking that I needed to fix everything. I did so many things I shouldn’t have, and because of that…I made a ton of things go wrong. You getting rejected by Minori-chan happened because of that, too. Minori-chan and I had that huge fight, and now we can’t go back to the way we used to be. Plus on top of that, because we got into a fight, Tiger…Tiger almost died. Things turned out like that, so right now I—”

As the words gently flowed from her lips, he could see them tremble.

“I was so, so, so lonely—just so alone. I felt so by myself, I couldn’t help it.”

You idiot, he wanted to say.

Ryuuji was so overcome by the rush of emotions coming to him, that his mouth couldn’t keep up. His shoulders shook. What was he supposed to say first? How could he put the emotions he felt into words after Ami said that because of him?

“You…”

Somewhere in his head, he remembered how Taiga looked earlier. She was so lonely and regretted things she couldn’t do anything about, and also—right, she looked almost as miserable as himself.

It wasn’t just him and Taiga. Everyone looked the same. Everyone might have been in the same boat.

Something wouldn’t go right, and it would happen without anyone knowing or attempting to find out.

“I can’t believe you’re throwing away everything you have and running away like that just because you made a mistake! You’re refusing to look at anything and going on and on about how you’re so lonely—what is that?! Don’t you think the people you’re leaving behind are going to be lonely, too?!”

He yelled at her in vain again, unable to understand her or get across to her. The pain they were directing at each other was vividly clear, though.

Everyone must have felt the same. Him, Ami, and Taiga. Noto and Haruta must have, too, and even Kitamura—Kitamura had been crouching down and frozen at one point, too, hadn’t he? Even Minori, who was a forward-facing powerhouse, said she had been suffering alone because she’d been caught up in what-ifs. None of them had been able to reveal their pain and suffering to anyone else. 

“In your eyes, who’s supposed to be doing fine?! Everyone is thinking about things, doing tons of stuff they shouldn’t be, making mistakes, feeling embarrassed, doing the wrong thing, and living! You can make mistakes, too! You can just be embarrassed and leave it at an ‘Oops!’ Why can’t you do—”

“Do you even have the right to say that, Takasu-kun?!”

Ami’s voice went high and cracked. She pushed him, and he pitifully staggered.

“Whenever I was lost or hurt, you never, ever noticed! You never noticed me!”

“How should I have known?! I had no idea! I’m not perfect either!”

Just how old and how mature did a person need to be before they could keep pathetic things like that from coming out of their mouth? Would he ever be able to come to an understanding with another person, sympathize with them, and actually tell them his feelings?

“Then don’t say stuff you don’t need to! You’re just so…! I would have been better off never meeting you…!”

Would he ever be able to go through life without hurting someone he really cared about? Would he be able to go without getting hurt himself?

“I really should have left school back then!”

As Ami yelled at him with a shaking voice, she rubbed her tears away with the back of her hand and ran off. He thought of how he could stop her, but he didn’t know what to do. 

He stared as Ami left the park. Then Ryuuji also started moving. He left the park and started walking in the opposite direction Ami had run off to.

By the time he noticed the voicemails on his cell phone, he had already gotten more than ten missed calls.