Chapter 3 Underwear Is Armor. Make Sure It’s High in Defense. Otherwise, My Son Might Die!
A voice was calling out, trying to rouse Masato from his slumber. A voice without a trace of kindness to it.
“C’mon! Get up! Heroes with an Oedipus complex need to drink their mother’s milk first thing, right? Get up and start drinking! I know you can’t wait to see her again!”
Masato kept his eyes firmly shut, refusing to respond. How could he accept being woken up like this?
“Oh, I get it. You’re the type who won’t get up until your beloved mommy comes to give you a wake-up kiss. I get it. I’ll go fetch Mamako for you, then.”
“No—don’t you dare! She might actually do it!”
Masato hastily shot up to stop her. Bonk! “Ow…?!” His head hit something hard.
“What the hell was…? Um…?”
He opened his eyes and found himself in total darkness. Every time he tried to move, he bumped into something solid.
He was in some sort of box. Was there a way out? He pushed up at the darkness in front of him, and the lid lifted off easily enough.
Sitting up, he found himself in a coffin.
“Um… Why was I dead…? Is this…?”
He remembered now. Yesterday, Wise had joined the party, and then they’d found an inn…
And when we decided how to split the rooms…
All the inn’s rooms had two beds. Masato had refused to share a room with Mamako, and the idea of him sharing with Porta had been rejected for an exceedingly stupid reason…and so things had settled with Masato and Wise pairing up.
“Spara la magia per mirare… Morte!”
He vaguely remembered hearing that voice, having some Grim Reaper–looking thing pass through his body, and fainting. Right. That was it. That explained his current predicament.
Sure of it, he glared over at the girl sprawled across two beds she’d pushed together.
“So you just snapped your fingers and killed me, then.”
“Who cares?! I snapped ’em again and brought you back, didn’t I?”
As a Sage, Wise could use both death and resurrection spells.
“Aren’t you worried at all? You already went to jail over a PK penalty once! Murderer.”
“Yeah, about that… Honestly, right after I did it, I thought, Uh-oh! But no alarms went off. Maybe PK detection’s only implemented in fields? Or there’s an exclusion for party members? Either way works out for me!”
“Cool, then I’ll just file a bug report.”
“Wait, don’t…! I need this to protect myself! …I only said okay because it seemed like I didn’t have a choice, but there’s no way I could ever sleep in the same room as you! I’d be up all night! Like a maiden flung into a lion’s den!”
“For all you go on about me being a mama’s boy, suddenly now I’m a threat.”
“You can be both! But that doesn’t matter now. Get ready! Mamako told me to wake you up for breakfast. We’re all ready and waiting. So get a move on!”
Still sprawled out on the beds, Wise kicked a foot in the general direction of the bathroom. This made her skirt flutter, and Masato caught a glimpse inside. But no matter.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m going. Geez. Don’t go killing me. I wasn’t gonna do anything… Like you’re all that. No appeal whatsoever. Ain’t even looking at you that way, dumbass.”
“Did you say something?!”
“Nope. Not a thing… Damn.”
He was pretty pissed but decided a little cold water on his face would improve his mood.
He went into the bathroom. It had a sink and a toilet and a bathtub all jammed in there. Wise must have taken a shower, because it smelled like shampoo…
There was a rope strung between the walls with laundry hanging on it. Five days’ worth of girls’ underwear.
“I-if you’re all worried about sharing rooms with boys, maybe take care of this first? …Geez. I bet she wears a different color for every day of the week… Which day is black?”
“Did you say someth…? Wait… AAAAAHHHHHH?!”
Wise leaped off the bed, thundered across the room, and snatched the panties off the line.
Her face so red he thought her nose was going to bleed, she howled, “Th-these things happen when you’re traveling!”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“Even your favorite heroine washes her underwear in the sink and hangs it up to dry whenever she stays at an inn! If she didn’t, she’d be stuck wearing the same pair for days at a time!”
“Damn you! Now you’re just ruining the dreams of young boys everywhere!”
Real journeys had their share of hardship.
“Well, then,” Mamako said. “Everyone, put your hands together… Thanks for the food!”
“““Thanks for the food!”””
“Good! Now eat!”
They were on the first floor of the inn, in the dining hall. At noon and in the evenings, this was a restaurant catering to adventurers.
Atop the antique table sat chopsticks, rice, eggs, miso soup, fried fish, and tsukudani. All made by Mamako.
Outside the windows, they could still see warriors in full plate armor and wizards carrying their staffs. This ultra-Japanese breakfast seemed really out of place, somehow.
Oh well.
Masato felt at peace with it. The breakfast brought that feeling home. Particularly, the miso soup.
He normally gulped it down in a rush, rarely bothering to savor the flavor or smell, but now he found himself thinking, This is it. The same as always. Mom’s soup.
Having a breakfast so unmistakably cooked by Mamako brought a touch of normalcy to his first morning inside an RPG world.
“Well, Ma-kun? Is it good?”
“Mm? Uh, yeah… I guess it is.”
“Well, I’m glad. I was right to bring miso and dashi with me. Anytime there’s a big shake-up in your environment, it’s all the more important to have something like this. I’m just so glad it made you happy, Ma-kun.”
“The egg on rice and the seaweed in the miso soup are just too good! I feel like I’ve finally found a taste of home again! Sniff… Ahhh! The tears…the tears won’t stoppp!”
“W-Wise? Are you okay?”
“Knock it off! Can’t you even eat quietly?”
“Ahhh, I can’t! I can’t! I’m taking my shoes off! I’m eating on my knees! Having your legs go to sleep is half the Japanese food experience!”
“What a good idea! I think I’ll do that, too. Oof, it’s a little hard to do on this chair, though…”
“I’ll do it, too! Oof, this is fun!”
“Oh, please. What are we, a bunch of Japanese tourists? …All right, all right.”
Our Japanese hero grumbled, but even he wound up sitting cross-legged. How very Japanese of him! Indeed.
Soon enough, breakfast was over.
When they were done, they sat sipping green tea Mamako had made, discussing their plans for the day.
“Let’s go with the four-person party for now. Porta’s noncombat, so it’ll just be the three of us fighting…but even without a tank, if Mom starts things off with that AOE of hers, I think things’ll work out okay.”
“And I’m a Sage, so you can count on me! Attack, healing, support, whatever! I got it covered! My magic’s gonna blow your minds! Ha-ha!”
“Yeah, yeah, we got your point. But after building a party, the next thing we should do…”
“Obviously, shopping! Shopping! SHOPPING!”
Mamako trilled, waving the guidebook. She was really into this. There was even a visible aura around her. Super Mamako.
“Like, all your stats just jumped a few notches at the very mention of shopping…”
“We’ll spend the whole day shopping! Where should we start?! ”
She was humming to herself.
“Well, obviously, armor. You and me are both still in street clothes. Gotta get some chain mail or…”
“Oh no. I forgot to bring any sunscreen! I wonder if there’s a drugstore around here. I’m also low on face cream… Oh, and hand lotion!”
“Never heard of an RPG that carries anything like that. Best to give up now.”
“But…but if you don’t take care of your skin, how would you ever dare go outside? How would you ever show those monsters your face?”
“Why do you care what the monsters think about how your skin looks?! Plus, your skin carries a default minus-twenty-years stat, so you’re golden!”
“I think you’re beautiful, Mama! I want you to stay beautiful! I think buying skin-care products is an excellent idea!”
“They’re important, aren’t they? You never know—it might help reduce the aggro you draw. Like, even the monsters don’t want to attack the pretty ones first! Maybe I should buy a few cosmetics, myself. If we find any false eyelashes, they’re mine!”
“False eyelashes? What the hell kinda RPG is this? I was all ready for swords and sorcery…”
Masato despaired at the flood of terms that had no business in any fantasy world.
“First stop, the drugstore!”
“Yep!”
“Oh, I could use some lip balm, too…”
The girls were having a great time. There was no room left for men. Masato might as well have not been there.
But then Wise spoke up.
“Y’know, I’ve been wondering…”
“Mm? What?”
“How much money do you guys have?”
“Money? I don’t have any… Mom, do you?”
“Of course! I even brought my secret stash.”
With great confidence, Mamako produced her wallet and spread out the contents.
It was filled with Japanese yen in bundles of ten bills. Wise and Porta glanced at each other, frowning.
“Oh, um… You can’t use real money here. This is a game.”
“Pardon?”
“You can only use the game’s currency. So we can’t shop with that money…”
“Oh… Well, then…”
Mamako blinked for a moment, but she wasn’t quitting just yet!
“Then how about this?”
Mamako retrieved a rice coupon, usable nationwide!
Wise shook her head.
“Then maybe…”
Mamako retrieved a beer coupon, usable nationwide!
Porta shook her head, looking very sorry.
“Um… M-Ma-kun…”
“Give it up. We’re broke.”
The penniless mother and son merely hung their heads in unison.
“I’m so sorry! I had no idea you paid for our rooms last night, Porta! I’ll be sure to pay you back for it!”
“Don’t worry about it, Mama! I’m in your party now, so my money is your money! I’m glad to have you use it!”
“How can you be so cute? How much more of a sweetheart can you be?! I’m gonna give you the biggest hug!”
Without money, they couldn’t buy anything. Couldn’t even pay for services rendered. Without the means, it was impossible to do anything. They had to find a way of making money soon.
How did adventurers earn money? Only one way: battles.
Masato and company left town, looking for enemies to fight.
“We’ve got to beat as many monsters as we can! Got it?!”
“Yes! When you beat monsters, certain cells within them remain behind! We call these ‘gems,’ but depending on the type of gem, they can be used as fuel or crafting components, which we can exchange for money! That’s how you make a living fighting them!”
“All really standard stuff! How did you not know that? Didn’t the surveyor explain anything to you?!”
“Yeah, the lady we got didn’t really inform us of all the things she should have…”
Somewhere, the real Shirase sneezed… Nah, she was hardly that sensitive. She’d probably forgotten them completely. I mean, we’re talking about Shirase here.
“Let me gather the gems for you! I’m no use in combat at all, but I’ll make up for it by gathering all the gems I can! On my honor as a Traveling Merchant, I will not let a single gem of value go ungathered!”
“Right, they’re all yours, Porta! Mom and I will concentrate on combat!”
“Yes! We fight as a family!”
“H-hey, don’t forget about me! You can count on my magic, too!”
“Of course we will… Oh, found some!”
Across the grassy plain, they spied some shadows lurking in the groves ahead. The enemy saw them coming. Silhouettes of wolves and bears prepared to fight.
Wise took the initiative. She pulled out her magic tome and flipped quickly through the pages.
“I’m gonna show you all my power! Spara la magia…”
“I won’t let my son be stranded by the side of the road! Mommy can do this! Hyah!”
Wise started prepping her attack first, but Mamako’s went off faster. She swung Terra di Madre, the Holy Sword of Earth.
Mom’s attack called to Mother Earth, and countless rock spikes shot up beneath the enemies’ feet. A powerful attack against all enemies that instantly turned the entire pack of beasts into shish kebabs, wiping them out.
The monsters were defeated!
“Wha…? I was still chanting my spell… I mean, holy crap! Mamako, your firepower’s insane…”
“Too slow. Gotta chant faster next time… There’s a bunch of different-colored dice-looking things rolling around where the monsters used to be… Are those the gems?”
“Yes! I’ll go gather them! Wait right here!”
Tiny little Porta scurried quickly around the area, swiftly gathering all the brightly colored gems. Like a squirrel gathering nuts.
“That’s it. I’m keeping Porta as my pet,” Masato said.
“Ma-kun…” Mamako looked at him with sadness in her eyes.
Just then…
“Ma-kun! Something just moved through those trees!”
“What?! …Oh, more monsters over there!”
“Right, leave them to me this time! …Spara la magi—”
“Mommy won’t lose! Hyah!”
Wise started her attack, and… You know the rest.
Mamako swung Altura, the Holy Sword of the Ocean, at the suspicious movement in the trees. Where she swung, water appeared, forming countless droplets, which launched themselves toward the enemy. Before they even showed themselves, the giant ants, spiders, and centipedes were riddled with holes.
The monsters were defeated!
“So, um… For my magic, I have to chant the spell first…,” Wise began, but she was drowned out by a sudden fanfare. Windows popped up before Masato and Mamako, the words Level Up! dancing across them.
“Oh. I guess that’s how level-ups work. Hmm… HP, MP, and the core stats all go up automatically…and it grants some SP. I see. I can spend this SP to build myself however I please…”
“Oh, points! I do love points! I think I’ll save mine for later.”
“Wait, Mom. These points aren’t like the kind you store up and trade in for prizes or discount tickets, okay? You should spread them out among your stats, or… No, wait—if you save them up, you can purchase special skills with them? Hmm, worth considering…”
“And anyway, you can decide how to spend your SP later! First, listen to me! I’ve got this thing called casting time, kinda like a prep time before I can cast a spell, and…”
But before Wise could finish, yet again…
“Ma-kun, above us!”
“Ooh! A flying monster! Only one, though…”
“Right, swords can’t reach the air! I got this one! Spa—”
“Flying monsters are miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!”
Wise should probably just give up.
Masato took a firm grip on Firmamento, the Holy Sword of the Heavens. This was his sole chance to shine! He wasn’t about to let anyone take it away from him. He swung the sword with all his might. A crescent-shaped beam shot out of the translucent blade, rocketing toward the heavens.
The homing beam scored a direct hit on the sparrow-sized monster, Piyotan. “PIYO?!” it screeched.
The monster was defeated!
“You did it, Ma-kun! I’m so proud of how strong you are! ” Mamako was spellbound.
“Ack… Don’t cry, Masato… You can’t let yourself cry… If you compare yourself to Mom, you’re done for…”
“Thanks for waiting! I gathered all the gems! There’s none left!”
“Right! Onward to the next! Maybe next time there will be a ton of flying enemies, and I’ll steal the show! My power will win this next fight, not Mom’s!”
“Hee-hee, so bold! Let’s get moving!”
“Yes! Let’s go!”
Masato brushed away the tear he’d let slip and ran off. Mamako beamed proudly at her son’s enthusiasm. Porta seemed just as eager. The hero’s party moved forward in search of new foes.
Except for one.
“…They…don’t need me in this party, do they?”
The wise Sage at last realized she would likely never get her own chance to shine. Having lost her reason for being, she stood perfectly still, staring at the ground.
On a hill with a great view of the grasslands, the party took a short break at Mamako’s suggestion.
“Right, everyone! Let’s relax here.”
“Yes! I will relax!”
“I feel like, as the hero, I should be the one calling breaks, but…fine, let’s take a breather.”
Masato wasn’t entirely happy about Mamako snatching the lead from him in both combat and decisions like this, but he shoved these concerns aside, resting his mind and body.
Then he realized there were only three of them. Wise was nowhere to be seen.
She’s got no place here, hunh? She didn’t manage to do anything…
He had a lot of sympathy for that. Or a burning desire to apologize for how ludicrously strong his mom was. Masato basically guilted himself into going to look for Wise.
He left Mamako and Porta chatting happily on the hill and went into the shade of the trees nearby. He had a hunch that anyone wanting to sulk would probably pick a place like that, and that hunch paid off.
Wise was crouched down beside a tree, her shoulders shaking as if she was crying…
“Mwa-ha-ha. Flee, powerless insects! Take that! And that!”
She wasn’t. She had a twig and was using it to torment the ants at her feet. That was worrying for an entirely different reason.
Masato sat down next to her. Obviously, at an appropriate distance.
Wise ignored him at first, but eventually, she sighed and tossed the twig at his feet.
“…What?” he asked.
“That’s what I wanna say! If you want to say something, spit it out. Come on. Lay it on me. Go ahead and make fun of me. Sorry I’m a useless Sage. Humph.”
“Well, you haven’t been useful yet. But, like…don’t worry about it, ’kay?”
“I can’t! My pride’s in tatters! I’ll never recover.”
“C’mon—don’t say that… Oh, right. Here.” Masato rolled up his sleeve. There was a small scratch on his arm. “I think I caught it on a bush somewhere. Can you patch this up? It hurts a little.”
“Why not just have your beloved mommy kiss the pain away? She’s so young looking, I bet her skin has restorative properties.”
“It doesn’t. My mom ain’t that superhuman.”
“Then just use Porta’s recovery items. You don’t need my magic to heal. You’re just trying to make me feel better, and it won’t work! Don’t even bother. Humph.”
Wise got even grumpier and refused to look at him.
He’d planned on getting her to heal the scratch and then saying something like “Thank goodness you were here,” but apparently, it wasn’t that easy. It would take more than that to pull her out of this funk. But…
“…Show it to me.”
She was still looking the other way, but Wise grabbed his sleeve and pulled it farther up.
“What? You’ll heal it after all?”
“You don’t have any money, do you? Using an item to heal something like this seems like a waste. Not economical! So… Well, choosing to heal it in the most economical way isn’t a bad idea.”
“So you’ll use your magic on it?”
“L-let me make one thing clear! You aren’t cheering me up or making me feel better! I just thought I should at least do my part here. Gimme that arm already!”
“Yeah, sure. Please, go ahead.”
No point trying to get her to admit it. He’d pegged her as that type, and she definitely was. Masato sighed and held out his arm in front of Wise.
Wise pulled out her magic tome and chanted a spell. Multiple spells.
“Spara la magia per mirare… Vento Taglio!”
“GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH?! You cut off my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarm—!!”
“And now! Cura!”
“—Oh, it’s back.”
She’d chopped his arm off with a wind blade and then fully healed it. Amazing.
“See?! Behold my true power! And say you’re glad you have me.”
“That’s the last thing I wanna say. I’d like to raise a flag, though! Why didn’t you get slapped with a penalty?! That was clearly an attack on me! That can’t be allowed! It’s gotta be a bug…”
“Hmm… I really think there are exceptions for that within a party. Just feels like there are.”
“Oh, yeah, maybe. Because we’re friends.”
Friends. He deliberately hit the word a little hard, and Wise looked a little surprised, then sniffed and turned her head.
Was she embarrassed? Her ears looked a little red, but Masato pretended not to notice.
“Anyway, cheer up. You’re not the only one being done in by Mom’s OP crap. I’ll do what I can, too.”
“If there’s anything left, you mean? Sigh… You’re right. Gotta grind some levels, earn some SP, spend that SP to improve my stats and skills… It’s the only way to compete.”
“Exactly. We’ve gotta do the f2p life for real, inside this actual game. Hang in there until the day comes when we can call ourselves main attackers. So…”
Masato held his fist out to Wise. Let’s do this thing.
Wise gave him a look that screamed “Ugh, I can’t stand boys!” but then seemed to think better of it.
She made a fist, and just before the two friends bumped…
The ground shook.
“Oh no… Is this…?”
“Not again…?!”
Mamako’s most obnoxious skill, the one that sought out her son and disrupted whatever he was up to, the support skill A Mother’s Fangs. The ground erupted between Masato and Wise, blowing both of them into the sky.
They spun in the air, the paths they took forming something rather like a heart…
Nah, gotta be my imagination. That can’t be right.
“Dammit, Mom. Just call my name like a normal person. I was right over there!”
“There’s no penalty for attacking fellow party members… So that means I can defeat Mamako… That’s it—that’s my new life goal!”
“Oh, I’m sorry! I just learned this new skill, and I wanted to try it out again! I really shouldn’t have.”
Mamako bowed her head several times, looking genuinely apologetic. This caused a lot of jiggling…somewhere unmentionable. Up and down and… Not what he should be staring at right now.
“But there’s something I want you both to see. Do you mind?”
Mamako led Masato and Wise down the hill. A Mother’s Fangs had changed the shape of the land significantly, and there was a large cone-shaped depression, a massive hole, in the grasslands.
A rope ladder led into the hole, and Porta poked her head out of it. Like a bunny peeking out of a rabbit hole. So adorable. Definitely pet-worthy.
“Oh, Masato! Wise! Welcome back! You’re both safe?”
“Somehow. What are you up to, Porta?”
“Just seeing what’s inside. I’m sensing treasure down here.”
“Do Traveling Merchants have a nose for this sort of thing? …So? Is there some amazing trove? A hidden treasure room or something?”
“Sadly, I don’t think it’ll get us a lot of money. But I do think we’ll find an unusual tool.”
“An unusual tool…? Hmm…”
“Ma-kun, what do you think?”
Good question. Masato thought for a moment.
Treasure hunting. The phrase alone made him want to go for it. But taking a rational look at themselves…Porta and Wise were one thing, but Masato and Mamako were still dubiously outfitted.
Masato was wearing the cargo pants and hoodie he always wore around the house. Mamako was wearing a nice dress she saved for special occasions.
Their attack was one thing, but their lack of defense was clear.
Fighting monsters in this state at all is dangerous. If we go treasure hunting…
Maybe he should force back the tears and leave it be. That seemed like the safest bet.
And yet… Could he just abandon this hole and whatever special item lay within? While they were beating a retreat back to town and purchasing better gear, some other adventurer might come along and clean the place out before they got back. In which case…
“…Hey, Wise. Is there a way for your magic to buff my defense? And Mom’s?”
“Naturally. Defense buffs are, like, the most basic spells around. Of course I know them. I can raise your defense stats all the way to the max possible value. That’s how good my magic is.”
“Right, that made up my mind. In that case…”
“Then let’s all go on a treasure hunt! It’ll be fun!”
“…And here I almost got to give an order…”
Mamako having snatched the wind out of his sails again, the others agreed, and the party started their assault on the hole.
“I’ll go down first and guide you all!” Porta said and quickly slid down into the pit.
“Then I’ll go after her. I’m the exploration squad leader! A title I just gave myself.”
“Then I suppose I’ll go next… Oh my goodness. I’m wearing this dress! Ma-kun might look up it.”
She blushed.
“Quit turning red, Mom! I’d rather die than do that!”
“You’re rather die? Sniffle… But I’m wearing brand-new underwear… And it’s a thong, so I don’t have VPL…”
“Too much information! Fine, you go first! I’ll follow!”
“Wait a minute! I’m wearing a skirt, too! Are you trying to look up it?!”
“Whaaat?! Ma-kun, you won’t look at your own mother’s underwear, but you want to see Wise’s? What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Seems pretty normal to me— I mean, uh, no, I’m not trying to see up Wise’s skirt, either! Forget it. Wise, you go before me, and I’ll come last, okay?”
Mamako took the rope ladder down, and Wise followed her. Finally, Masato started lowering himself into the hole…and as he did…
…he heard voices echoing below.
“…! Ah…! ……”
It sounded like Porta was yelling something, but he couldn’t make out what.
“Yo, Wise! Sounds like Porta’s saying something, but… Can you hear her?”
“Hold on! I’ll ask Mamako! …Mamakooo!”
“…! So…she said! Don’t… Okay? …”
“Oh, riiight! Got iiit! I’ll tell hiiim!”
“What’d she say?”
“She said if all four of us are on it at once, the rope ladder will break, so you should wait a minute.”
“Oh, okay. Got it. Then pass a message on for me?”
“What?”
“She should have said that sooner.”
“I know, right?! But hey, why don’t you just tell her yourself?”
“True! I mean, sooner or later we’re going to catch up with her real faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast!!”
With the ladder no longer able to support their weight, the party went into free fall.
“Is everyone all right?! Anyone hurt?! Speak up!”
“Y-yes! I’m fine!”
“I’m okaaay! Nooo problem!”
“Ma-kun?! I didn’t hear Ma-kun! Are you okay, Ma-kun?! Where are you?!”
“Oh, Masato’s fine. We’re all on top of him.”
“I don’t get it… How’d I end up hitting the ground first and getting stepped on if I was also the highest person up? It makes no sense…”
“Oh, that’s easy. I cast a levitation spell on everyone but you. It’s an AOE spell, so I had to specifically omit you from it and set it so the rest of us would land on the person omitted. Quite a complicated trick to pull off, you know!”
“Why?!”
“Also, I did cast that defense buff on you, so you’re totally uninjured. Right? My magic is amazing, right? You may shower me with praise now. Come on!”
“Yeah, yeah, you’re real awesome. That aside…”
With three girls on top of his back, Masato was only able to lift his head. He did so, looking around.
He couldn’t see anything. It was pitch black all around. He couldn’t even see his hand in front of his face.
“Um, Wise…can we get some light? We’re not gonna get much done like this.”
“Roger that! I’m an absolutely amazing Sage, so leave it to me! I’ll chain cast fire magic and light this whole place up! Spara la magia…”
“No, stop! Don’t cast fire spells before we know what’s around us! You might set us all on fire! Just cast, like, a normal light spell!”
“Oh… Uh, um… But… A spell like that isn’t… How can I put this…?”
Wise began fidgeting, her body wriggling, her feet rocking, her heels and toes grinding…Masato’s back, of course. Thanks to the defense buff, he took no damage, but it was super obnoxious.
“What, you don’t know that spell? Geez, you really are useless. And this was a perfect chance for you to shine.”
“Don’t say that! I know, okay? I just assumed I’d never need a spell like that, so I never learned it… I made a huge mistaaake…”
“Yeah, I’ll say. So I guess that means we gotta use items? Porta, you got anything we can make light with?”
“S-sorry… I seem to have dropped my bag in the fall… I don’t have anything with me at the moment…”
“Seriously? Uh-oh…”
“I’m sorry! I’m really sorry… I’m useless, I know… I should have told you about the rope ladder sooner, too… Sniff…”
Porta’s voice turned ragged, and she started sniffling. Was she crying?
“W-whoa. We’re not blaming you, okay? Don’t cry, now.”
“Sniff… But it is my fault… Hic… I just want to be helpful, but instead I’m…”
“No, no, you are! You’re extremely helpful! This isn’t your fault, Porta. I promise.”
“Gee, you suuuuure treat her differently than you do me! Explain yourself!”
“I just like her better.”
“Grrr!”
The force with which Wise was stomping on his back dramatically escalated but still wasn’t doing any damage, so he ignored it.
“Sniff… I’m sorry… I’m really sorry… Hic…”
“Um, well… H-hey, Porta? Don’t worry about it, okay? Please don’t cry.”
What now? What should he do? Should he apologize for whatever he’d said? Beg her to forgive him, promise she could do whatever she wanted to him? She was already squishing him…
Then a warm, gentle voice spoke, one that just oozed kindness.
“Porta, darling. It’s okay. We all make mistakes. You can’t let them get you down.”
“Mama… Hic… B-but…we’ve fallen into this dark hole, and I don’t know what to do…”
“Don’t worry. I’ll figure out a solution, so let’s all cheer up. Hip, hip, hooray!” Mamako cheered enthusiastically.
Instantly, the entire place lit up with a flash. Mamako was glowing.
Mamako acquired the special skill A Mother’s Light.
“Oh, oh my…?”
“Wh-what? Mom, why are you glowing? Literally glowing?!”
“Mama, you’re amazing! You’re so bright! We can see everything!”
“Come to think of it, my mom glowed a bit early on, too… She was all excited to be traveling with her daughter, so she was acting all cheerful. Humph… Seems like so long ago…”
“What does this world do to moms? It seems to give them all sorts of strange powers…”
Either way, thanks to Mamako’s new glowing body, they could see again.
The party members were in a three-pronged fork. Above them was a vertical shaft extending farther than the eye could see, and there were holes leading to the right and to the left. Both passages were big enough for them to stand upright and walk normally.
“Well, we’ve come this far. Let’s leave figuring out how to get out of here for later. First, let’s get our hands on this treasure. That’s the adventurer’s spirit, right?”
The hero’s party could only move forward.
“Right! Porta, here’s your chance again. Can you lead us to the treasure?”
“Y-yes! I can sense it this way! Follow me!”
Porta found her bag lying nearby and hoisted it over her shoulder. Looking all fired up again, she darted off down the passage on the right.
“Now, now. If you’re in such a hurry, you’ll hurt yourself!” Mamako chided, following after the little merchant, her light filling every corner of the passage.
““AH?!””
A moment later, they turned and came right back. Both of them looked absolutely terrified and were running really fast.
“Waaaaaaah!!”
“Wha-wha-wha-wha-wha?!”
They were in a blind panic.
“H-hold on. What’s gotten into…? Uh… Is something coming?”
He could feel it in the ground beneath his feet. Something big was thundering toward them. Masato tensed.
His suspicions were correct. Behind Porta and Mamako, he could see something… Something giant, round, bulbous, and squishy. A slime.
“Hoo boy, the most generic monster out there… But holy crap, it’s huge!”
“Sure, it’s big, but it’s just a lousy slime, right? I can kill that in a second with my magic! My explosive fire will vaporize…”
The giant slime shook its entire body, making a horrible sound. The noise carried through the passage.
Mamako was unaffected. Porta was unaffected. Masato was unaffected.
Wise’s magic was sealed!
“What…the…?”
As if the entire world had betrayed her, Wise stood rooted to the spot, staring at her feet. That was all she could do.
“I know how you feel, but snap out of it, dumbass!”
“Hunh? Oh…?!”
The giant slime was almost upon them. Masato grabbed Wise and pulled her against the wall, shielding her with his body as the slime passed.
“Hey! You’re pressed up against…”
“Just…stay still! …Whooooa?!”
Something soft and malleable rolled across Masato’s back…and then it was gone.
“Argh…! I feel like something was pressed against my front, but the sensation on my back was so stimulating I couldn’t pay it any attention!”
“Well, I’m sorry the size of them didn’t deserve your attention!”
“No time to argue about that! After it!”
“Oh—hey, wait! At least let me slap you once!”
Mamako and Porta were completely freaking out, just letting the slime chase after them. Masato adroitly dodged Wise’s magic-tome slap (bash damage) and raced after the giant slime and its pleasing elasticity.
Following the screams and rumbling, they ventured deeper into the passage. A few of the stone bullets Wise (enraged about her meager endowments) was flinging hit Masato, but he pressed onward.
Eventually, he spied light ahead. He picked up his pace, soon emerging into an open area, a massive hollow carved into the earth. Mamako and Porta were near the entrance.
“Mom! Porta! Are you two okay?”
“Yes! Mama and I are both fine! No injuries!”
“My pulse is still racing, but otherwise, I’m okay. More importantly…look there…”
“Yeah… This is pretty nuts…”
The hollow was brightly lit. Masato had assumed this was because of Mamako’s glow, but no—the light came from the giant slime.
Like fireflies, fantastic-looking orbs were swooping in from all directions and being absorbed one by one into the slime’s massive bulk. The slime had been huge to begin with, but now it was growing even larger.
“If we don’t do something soon, it’ll be too much for us. Let’s do this!”
“Got it! Mommy will do her best! Porta, you get somewhere safe.”
“Yes! I’ll be cheering you on from back here!”
“Right… Looks like it’s you and me, Mom!”
“Hey!” Wise shouted. “I’m still here, you know!”
“Hey, Wise, don’t do anything crazy! Your magic is sealed, remember?”
“Sorry to disappoint, but that status ailment wears off over time. I can use magic again! I’ve finally got a chance to—!”
As she spoke, a ripple ran over the giant slime’s body. An unearthly sound echoed through the hollow.
Mamako was unaffected. Porta was unaffected. Masato was unaffected.
Wise’s magic was sealed!
“I knew this would happen!” Wise wailed. She lay down on the ground, using her tome as a pillow. A Mage with her magic sealed was just deadweight.
“Poor thing. At least go take your nap somewhere safe. Have Porta look after you. Mom, we ready?”
“I am! You watch—Mommy’s going to beat this bad boy!”
“Glad you’re all fired up, but sorry, I’m gonna beat this one. Ready…go!”
Masato took Firmamento, the Holy Sword of the Heavens, in his hand. Mamako took Terra di Madre, the Holy Sword of Earth, and Altura, the Holy Sword of the Ocean, in her hands. Together, the hero and his mom rushed forward.
Masato got there first. “At last, my time has come!” Inches from the engorged slime, he put his full strength into a mighty swing…!
Miss. The massive slime dodged with a speed completely inappropriate for its bulk, easily evading Masato’s attack.
“Gah! How is anything this big so fast?!”
“Leave it to Mommy! Hyaaah!”
Mamako swung both Terra di Madre and Altura at once. They were underground. The walls and ceiling were made of earth, and rock spikes thrust out from all sides, followed by the storm of water bullets. No way it could dodge…
Miss. The giant slime bounded like a rubber ball, dodging all attacks.
There was only one enemy. The damage didn’t need to be split, so if they just managed to land a blow, they’d easily score an overkill. An attack that missed, though, obviously did no damage at all.
“O-oh dear… And I tried so hard… Mommy is sad now.” Sniffle.
“Hey, Mom! Keep focused! It’s about to attack…”
And attack it did.
“BLOOOOOOOOORP!”
The slime twisted its shape, a hole forming at its center. A huge volume of liquid shot out of it. Like some sort of gloopy lotion. Targeting…Mamako.
“Agh! Mom!”
“Eek!”
Masato hastily pushed Mamako to the ground. He tried to shield her with his body…but this was a liquid. The two of them were both drenched in slimy fluid.
When the stream stopped, Masato got to his knees.
“Pffah! Mom! Are you all ri…? Wait…um…?”
“O-oh my…”
Mamako was lying on her back under Masato, and her dress was rapidly dissolving. As was the bra underneath.
Two excessively splendid mountains sprang free before Masato’s eyes.
Yo, long time no see. Haven’t gotten a good look at those since bath time when I was little.
“Wait, what?! This doesn’t even make sense! My clothes aren’t melting at all, but… Ah?!”
Masato had tried to stand up too quickly, and his hands slipped on the fluid, causing him to face-plant right in the valley between those mountains. So slippery and springy. He tried to get off, but his hands slipped again. An endless loop.
“What the…? Mmff! So slippery, I… Mmff!!”
“N-n-n-no, Ma-kun! We’re parent and child! I know you love me, but how could you push me to the ground and dissolve my clothes like this?! At least…at least turn off the light!” She continued to shine brilliantly.
“You’re the one glowing! And don’t make this worse! This is no laughing matter!”
“B-but I’m all sticky! Ma-kun, I’m soaking wet! Wet all over!”
“Just calm down, pleeeeease! Shut uuuuuup! …J-just fall back for now! And put some clothes on! You’ve got extras, right?”
“Oh, right! I brought a change of clothes! Well, I’ll just go get them!”
Mamako took a tight grip on the surviving lower portions of the dress and hurriedly fell back.
When he saw Mamako running toward Wise, Porta, and her belongings, though, Masato was struck with a sudden fear.
“…Oh, crap! If Mom goes that way…”
Slime—a being that could dissolve women’s clothing. A creature that ignored all kinds of human rights.
If Porta and Wise got mixed up in that slimy dissolving fluid, there’d be a three-generation flesh-toned festival!
And now, destiny called! The giant slime attacked!
“BLOOOOOOOOORP!”
A second spurt of dissolving fluid headed straight for the younger girls…!
And at the last minute, the stream swerved in midair and hit Mamako again with targeted accuracy. “Whyyyyy?!” No, seriously, just Mamako.
Like, Porta and Wise were right there. But the fluid moved as if it had a mind of its own and only hit Mamako…
“Ewww! I yield! No moooore!”
Knocked over by the stream of fluid, Mamako fell to her hands and knees…and the last part of her dress dissolved. Her rear end was thrust out toward Masato, the fluid making it glisten…and sure enough, she really was wearing a thong. A new one.
A new thong that the fluid was now dissolving.
“Ma-kun! What now? Mommy’s underwear is melting! I’ll be totally naked! Ma-kun!!”
“Don’t ask me! You’re putting your son in a very awkward position! I don’t wanna see any of this! …Ugh, why is this thing only going after Mom?!”
Was it the collective unconscious driving this behavior? Was the light gathering inside the slime’s body the will of some other beings?
Compared to other types of women, mothers were extremely unlikely to have their clothes melt off them. Perhaps these beings felt this was their chance to get a mom naked and went for her first…
But this wasn’t time for speculation.
“I gotta do something, quick! …But how? It moves too fast! If only there was a way to slow it down…”
Just that instant:
“Spara la magia per mirare… Lento!”
“BLORP?!”
“Again! Lento!”
“BLOR-BLORP?!”
A chain cast against the slime, along with a double debuff to its speed, instantly slowed down the creature. The slippery blob was moving much more ponderously, crawling along the ground.
Who had cast this magic? Wise had, of course. She’d stopped rolling miserably on the floor and was standing there proudly.
“How…are you casting…?”
“Heh-heh. When you reach the upper echelons of the Sage profession, the magic power coursing through your body is so powerful, no mere magic seal can contain—”
“I gave her an item that cures sealed magic! Sorry it took me so long!”
“Oh! Well done, Porta! You’re the best!”
“Hey, don’t just praise her! Save some for me! I actually did a thing! Don’t let it pass without comment!”
“Don’t worry—I’m grateful to you, too… I mean, now that you can use magic, you could’ve just killed it, but instead you’ve given me the chance to finish it off!”
“Oh… Crap!”
Masato broke into a run. The slime was slowly attempting to flee toward the back of the hollow, but he was on it in a flash and, like a real hero, made to strike the giant boss monster…
“How dare you strip a mother in front of her son! You must be punished! Hyaaah!”
…but before he could, Mamako swung Terra di Madre. Countless rock spikes pierced the giant slime. Every single one hit. Overkill.
The naughty slime was defeated!
Mamako had finished it off but was still naked and wet. She danced around happily, her two large mountains jiggling.
“Look, look, Ma-kun! Mommy did it!”
“I’m not looking! If you’ve got time to dance, then put some clothes on! Spare your son some suffering! …Argh, she did it again… Mom steals all the limelight… Dammit! Goddammit!”
“Pffft… Serves you right! It’s just our fate to end up like this now… Um… W-wait, Masato… Look!”
“At what? Oh…”
Masato looked where Wise was pointing and saw the giant slime vanishing. The body turned to black dust, leaving a massive pile of gems behind it.
As its outline faded, a coffin appeared, pierced by the rock spikes.
The coffin lid slid open, and inside…
“…Huh? …Ms. Shirase?”
She didn’t answer. She was dead.
“D-d-d-did I…do s-something…r-r-r-r-really horrible?!” Mamako was in a panic!
“It’s fine—don’t worry. The PK penalty hasn’t been activated, so I’m sure she was dead before you attacked.”
“A little corpse-kicking’s no big deal. Plus, it’s just her… So look, I’ll just revive her with my magic, cool?”
“Thank you! I can infooorm you that I have successfully returned to life!”
They’d managed to scramble out of the hole back to the surface.
Masato’s group gathered around the newly responsive former corpse. She was the same woman of indeterminate age they’d met twice before, now dressed like a nun. As always, her expression retained a permanent frostiness, never a hint of warmth.
But they already knew she was like that, so that actually made it easier to handle. After all, that was just who she was.
“Um, so, we meet again. What’s your name and occupation this time?”
“I am Shiraaase. I can infooorm you that I am the Mysterious Nun Shiraaase.”
“Got it. We’ll go with that.”
The Mysterious Nun Shiraaase it was.
“First, I’d like to thank you all for saving me.”
“I dunno if we did, though? I mean, you were kinda already dead.”
“In my mind, resurrecting me is the same as saving me. As my way of saying thanks, please accept this.”
Shiraaase produced a bracelet from inside her robes. It didn’t look that expensive. It was more like an old bracelet that had been in the family for generations.
“What is this? Porta, can you appraise it?”
“Yes! Leave it to me! …Hmm, this is…a Speed II Armlet!”
“Oh-ho, a Speed II Armlet? …Why not just call it a bracelet? Sounds kinda shady to me.”
“No, this is a genuine magic accessory! If you equip it, it will dramatically increase your Speed! It’s really amazing!”
“What? For real?!”
If it raised Speed, that meant it would let him act faster in battle.
If he could attack before Mamako, he might actually get a chance to do something.
“Right, then. I’ll be taking—”
“This is perfect for me!”
As Masato reached out for the bracelet, Wise snatched it from his grasp.
“I’ll take this! It’s mine now! Everyone got that? I’m gonna be the fastest!”
“No, hang on! Speed doesn’t mean jack to you! You’re still gonna be last because you gotta waste time chanting! An item like this should be on the hero! Me!”
“Hmm… Mommy thinks it would be better for Wise, too. After all, we only beat that monster because of Wise. Mom-approved!”
“No! No matter what you say, Mom, I’m standing my—”
“I think whatever Mama decides is best!”
“And I, of course, agree with Mamako, too.”
Three against one. Case closed.
“Argh… I wish I had my mom’s influence…”
“Mwa-ha-ha! Right, let’s get this equipped!”
Wise attempted to put the Speed II Armlet around her upper arm.
Her arm was a bit too thick, though, and she couldn’t get it to clasp.
“H-hunh? Wh-what the…? That doesn’t make any… Why…?”
“Pffft! That’s, like, the only place you’ve got any meat on you! …But hang on—if you can’t get it on there, then I won’t even be able to get it past my wrist.” Masato hung his head.
“From the looks of it, it would fit Mama’s arm perfectly!”
“Oh, really? Then I guess I could try…”
While Wise stared in stunned horror, Mamako took the bracelet from her and placed it around her upper arm.
It fit perfectly. Like it was tailor-made.
Mamako’s Speed improved! She can now mop up enemies before anyone else in the party! …Chances for anyone else to get a turn are greatly reduced.
“Oh my goodness! What’s this? I think I’m really going to shine now!”
“We would be in real trouble if you didn’t. Whew… Good thing we went to the trouble of making it exactly the right size for Mamako to… Cough, cough… I shouldn’t infooorm you of anything unnecessarily. Though I am Shiraaase!”
“Nah, I’d figured it out on my own. You’re the worst.”
“This game is rigged… It’s absolutely insane…”
“A mother who can be relied on earns respect, deepening bonds. A beautiful parent-child relationship. Although I suppose if we give the parents all the advantages…”
““I don’t care anymore…””
“…Then the children will all start talking like that. So let me provide each of you with a wonderful item that will foster strong bonds.”
Shiraaase produced a pair of rings of a simple design with no decorations to draw the eye.
“Porta, appraise these?”
“Sure! …Hmm, these are…Aderire Rings!”
“And what’s that?”
“It’s a combo-focused accessory! If the two of you wear these, then after one of you attacks, the other can quickly do a follow-up attack!”
“A follow-up attack? You mean…we can attack without having to chant the spell or charge the skill?”
“Cast canceling?! That’s amazing! Perfect for me!”
“Heh-heh-heh. I’m glad you’re happy with them… Whew. Now the children’s dissatisfaction has been safely sealed away. Suckers.”
““Don’t say that out loud!””
“I sometimes infooorm people of things I should not infooorm them of. That is the Shiraaase seal of quality! Now, if I may…”
Shiraaase bowed her head and turned to leave.
“Oh, right,” she said, stopping and fixing the party with a solemn look. “I realize this is entirely out of the blue, but given your strengths, there’s a quest I’d like you to take.”
“A quest? Already?”
“Yes. Assume it is a time-limited quest or a special-event quest. Naturally, we have prepared a suitable reward, so please, if you will.”
“Well! I do enjoy getting rewards!”
“It’s gonna be another reward for Mamako, right? You can’t fool me.”
“No, no, this will be something you can all use, rest assured. If you choose to accept it, please make your way to a small farming village to the west of Catharn, a place called Maman Village. I shall explain the details to you there.”
“…What do we all think?”
“The fact that we have to go all the way there to accept the quest is really suspicious,” Wise muttered. “Sounds like it’ll just automatically start when we get there, giving us no choice. I’ve got a bad feeling about it, personally…”
Shiraaase gave her a rare smile.
“If you wish to accept it, first acquire some proper equipment in Catharn before doing anything else. I highly recommend making sure you’re prepared for anything.”
With a faint trace of that smile lingering, Shiraaase left.
“That quest from Shiraaase definitely won’t lead us anywhere good.”
“I agree. But I have to admit I’m curious about the reward… Like, really curious…”
“So am I! We might get some amazing items!”
“Yes, indeed. There’s a lot to consider… But first!” Mamako clapped her hands, drawing all eyes to her. Beaming with joy and merriment and youth, she announced, “First, we go shopping! Come on! Whoo-hoo!”
No matter what followed, shopping took priority.
The party returned to Catharn. They took the huge pile of gems they’d gathered in battle to the exchange counter and turned them into a heavy bag of coins. Now they were rich. What to buy first?
“The Traveling-Merchant base skill gives a ten percent discount! Also, I have the Appraise skill, so let me pick which items to buy! I won’t let us waste a single mum.”
“A mum? What’s that?”
“That’s the currency here!”
“Really? Well, from glancing at the prices on things, I guess one mum is about one yen…,” Mamako said, looking around the open-air market they were walking through.
She was stopped in her tracks by…
“Ma-kun, Ma-kun, look! Eggs are so cheap! You can get a dozen for one hundred mum!”
“Uh, Mom, we didn’t come here to go grocery shopping…”
“Hey there, young lady! Wanna try a sample? Minotaur-beef diced steak…it’s really good!”
“Oh, it is good! I should get a pound!”
“No, I mean…we’re not here for food…”
“Oh, lovely lady! I have just the skin-care treatment to make your skin gleam! We’ve got a special offer, three for three thousand mum!”
“Oh, that might be just the thing for my skin! I think I’ll get some!”
“Look at the price! They’re selling one for one thousand mum—you aren’t even saving anything! …Mom, calm down! Mom! Eyes on me!”
“Y-yes?”
Masato grabbed Mamako’s face with both hands, forcing her to look at him. This was important.
“Mom. We are in a game. We’re getting ready for an adventure.”
“Y-yes… I know that…”
“You clearly don’t! You don’t get it at all! If you go shopping in an RPG, you buy weapons, armor, items! Those three things! You don’t need to buy anything else!”
“B-but…I…I…”
“Mm? What?”
“I have to at least buy you some underwear and socks, Ma-kun!! You’re wearing the same ones you had on yesterday! You can’t just keep wearing those without washing them today and tomorrow and every day after that!”
Mamako’s voice was very loud and carried to every corner of the open-air market.
Masato…the boy wearing the same underwear and socks as the day before, the boy every single person in the market was staring at in horror…
…was left with no choice. Tears in his eyes, he said:
“…Buy whatever you need.”
And so they made their way to an area filled with clothing stores. Beautiful garments hung on hangers in rows, and there were shops with bins stuffed with piles of cheap underwear. Everywhere they looked, there was nothing but clothes.
“I’m sorry, but we do need to buy your underwear first, Ma-kun. Underwear, socks, undershirts. Handkerchiefs, towels, that sort of thing. Maybe some pajamas, too?”
“…Just do whatever.”
“No, your input matters! The last time I bought some underwear for you, you got all mad about it. ‘I’d never wear anything like this!’ Remember?”
“That was your fault for picking those! No one my age would wear underwear with bears on them!”
“Um, Masato!”
“Mm? What is it, Porta?”
“I think bears are really cute! I’ve got bears on mine now!”
“Porta…”
Masato knelt down in front of Porta, giving her a kindly smile.
“You probably shouldn’t say things like that to any guys but me, okay?”
“Right! Got it!”
It was safe to tell Masato. He was a gentleman.
“Oh, one more thing!”
“Yes, Porta? What wonderful words do you have for us this time?”
“I’ve learned a number of Item Creation skills! If I have the fabric, I can make Masato’s underwear and socks! So…!”
“Very well! I shall wear your underwear!”
“Excuse me, Officer! He’s over here!”
“Correction! I shall wear the underwear you make for me!”
Whew. Close one. A simple slip of the tongue had nearly ended his life.
Chattering away, they browsed the shops.
“Oh, adventurers!” A female clerk at an armor store next to the clothing area called out to them. “Feel free to try on any armor! We’ve got a great selection!”
Outside the shop was an array of classic leather gear and heavy, high-defense metal armor and shields. Several different designs, from traditional European looks to more unique tribal patterns. A regular smorgasbord.
“Oh! We’re finally where we should be! This! This is the kind of shopping I wanted to do!”
“Then come right in! We have just what you’re looking for! For example…what about this?”
The clerk dramatically held up…a basic pair of unmentionables.
Female armor. The kind that was only technically armor, offering very little actual protection, barely concealing the chest and the area below the waist, yet inexplicably including shoulder pads.
“Oh-ho! So this is the fabled bikini armor!”
“This armor prioritizes mobility over all else! Lovely, isn’t it? Sir, I suggest you recommend this to your party members. Tell them it’s entirely functional armor, so there’s no need to be embarrassed by it.”
“D-don’t be ridiculous! You can’t have the men pushing them to wear this… And there’s at least one person in my party I reeeaaally don’t want wearing this…”
“Oh, how lovely! Mommy’s never seen anything like that!”
“Crap, the worst possible person took the baaaait!!”
Mamako took the bikini armor from the clerk, looking it over with great interest.
“Can I try this on?”
“Of course! We have changing rooms right over here, so try anything you like! We’ve got a broad selection, so try anything that catches your eye!”
“Oh, really? In that case…I guess I’ll try this here and that one, too!”
“If Mamako’s trying things, maybe I should, too…”
“Th-then can I try things, too?”
“Of course! Three ladies, this waaay!”
As Masato stared in shock, the girls took their selections and disappeared into the simple changing rooms to one side of the shop.
Masato was left standing alone.
“So I just get to wait, then?”
“That’s what happens to men in this situation. It’s important to resign yourself to it,” the clerk said, clapping him on the shoulder.
Masato sighed.
At last, the curtains were ready to part. Mamako, Wise, Porta: Three generations of women began their RPG fashion show.
“Just as a friendly reminder, if you should suffer a violent nosebleed or discharge of other bodily fluids, you will be purchasing any merchandise stained in the process, so please be extremely careful.”
“I’m not gonna have a nosebleed… Hang on—what other bodily fluids?”
“Would you like me to be more specific?”
“…No, better not.”
“Good choice. Now let’s get this show started! First up!”
A changing room curtain opened, and out stepped…
“Ma-kun! How’s this look on Mommy?”
Mamako equipped the bikini armor!
What is armor, really? A philosophical debate unavoidable in the presence of any bikini armor, but Mamako in such armor was definitely a sight.
The breastplates covered less than a fifth of her magnificent bosoms, which threatened to break free with each sway. With her slim waist and smooth midriff exposed and the minimalist triangular covering below, flesh was bared almost anywhere the eye could see.
Masato clutched his head, as if trying to crush his own skull.
“Nobody gets it… Nobody else knows the pain of seeing your own mother in bikini armor…”
“O-oh? I thought you’d be happy… Does it not look good?”
“It’s not a question of good or bad! I mean, it’s kinda nice, I guess? There’s just a much bigger problem going on here, so please just change!”
“O-okay… I understand. I’ll try the next outfit.”
“I meant just put your normal clothes back on!!”
Mamako went into the changing room. What horrors awaited him next?
But first…
“Next up, our two younger members!”
“Oh! That’s right! I still have them! Give me a feast for the eyes! Heal my aching heart!”
Next to emerge were Wise and Porta.
“Heh-heh! My continuous white magic will heal your body and soul! …Kidding!”
“I’ll make you items! Lots of items!”
Wise was wearing a white Mage’s robes, pure white and covered in mystical patterns. She had a pleasant smile, like an angel… Nah, that was going too far.
Porta was dressed like an item maker: a scholar’s clothes, a mortarboard, and a tiny pair of glasses resting on her nose. A super-cute professor.
Masato looked at each in turn and breathed a sigh of relief.
“Yeah, that’s what I was looking for. Good choices, I think.”
“Ha-ha! Right? I figured it might make a good change of pace. Show off my devout side. Might get myself a few more believers, hee-hee.”
“So it’s a con?”
“D-don’t look so serious! I’m just joking!”
“Porta’s completely adorable, though. Lemme give you some tickles! Heh-heh-heh!”
“Eep, I’m t-ticklish!”
“Sir, if you get drool on the clothes, you’re buying them.”
Whoops, close one. He quickly retracted that other bodily fluid.
“Right, that’s enough! Everyone back in their regular clothes, and let’s head out—”
“Wait, Ma-kun! How’s this look on Mommy?!”
“I didn’t ask you to try on another outfit!!”
Mamako made her second appearance. She flung the changing room curtain back and stepped out in…
“Hi! I’m Mamako Oosuki, fifteen years old! Tee-hee! …Just kidding!”
Mamako was dressed in a high school uniform: a blazer and a micro-miniskirt. The buttons on her blouse looked ready to pop under the weight of her chest! Every movement gave a glimpse of her panties!
Masato clutched his head as if trying to rip it off and fling it away.
“My mom cosplaying as a schoolgirl… But she looks so young that she can actually pull it off… How can I express the confusion? …Why is that even on sale here?”
“Oh! I do apologize for that, miss. That’s a limited item for a special event, so please pay it no mind!”
“Oh my, is it? I’m sorry. Mamako really shouldn’t have! Tee-hee! ”
“Stop doing thaaaaaaaat! Please just go chaaaaange!”
“Got it. Next one, then!”
“Nooooo, there is no ‘next one’!”
Masato’s plea fell on deaf ears. Mamako returned to the changing room, quickly put on another outfit, and reappeared.
This time…
“Mommy’s made up her mind… With this dark power, I will destroy everything!”
…she was dressed as a dark god—or rather, a dark goddess. Jet-black armor seemingly scorched by the flames of black hellfire. Her eyes had lost all light, and she had become a scourge of darkness.
Mom had turned evil.
Masato stared at her in shock, beyond all words.
“Oh, um… Ma-kun, what’s wrong? Is this too weird?”
“Huh? Um, no…”
He actually kinda liked it, but that would be his little secret.
“Well, uh… Not bad! Yeah, not bad at all! Very little skin showing! As your son, I feel safe looking at this. It’s pretty scary, though!”
“Oh, it is? Well, I’m glad you like it, Ma-kun. Next…”
“Oh, come on! Enough already!”
“Don’t say that! There’s only one more… I saw Wise changing and thought I wanted to try that out, too. See?”
Mamako held up the pure-white robe she planned to try on next. Wait a second…
“The same thing as Wise? But isn’t that…? What do you think, Porta?”
“Right! This is a Healing Robe, equipment for a healer or a Mage!”
“I’m a Sage, which is a kind of Mage, so I can wear it, but there’s no way Mamako could.”
“Yes! Mama’s job is Hero’s Mother, so just like a hero, she can only wear armor meant for warriors. I’m afraid you can’t equip that!”
That’s what Masato thought.
Mamako didn’t get it at all. Surprised, she held the robe up against herself.
“But… Look! It’s exactly my size!”
“Um, no, you see… Size isn’t the problem. Your job dictates what you can wear…”
“Your job has nothing to do with it. They’re just clothes! If the size is right, you can wear them.”
“No, Mom… That’s how it works normally, but in a game…”
“Don’t worry. I’m just going to try it on.”
What was he supposed to be worried about, again? Mamako was already in the changing room, though. He could hear fabric rustling.
“Um… What happens if you ignore equip restrictions and try to force it on?”
“I…I’m really not sure…”
“Hey, shop lady. Do you know?”
“I’m afraid not. No one has ever done something that reckless before…”
What was about to happen? All they could do was wait and see.
Suddenly, there was a horrible scream.
“M-Ma-kun! Oh no! Help me!”
“Gasp! Wh-what is it? What’s going on?!”
This sounded bad. Masato raced over to the changing room, flung back the curtains, and inside…
“Eek! What’s happening?!”
…Mamako was trying to get the robe over her head, but her hands and head got stuck inside, and she was thrashing about in vain.
The robe was wrapped around her like a straitjacket.
Since she’d been trying to get dressed, the only other thing she had on was her underwear.
Finding herself trapped in what was surely somebody’s fetish, Mamako struggled, her excessively well-endowed chest heaving this way and that, her narrow waist wriggling. What a spectacle! A thrilling half-naked dance! Sexaaay!
But this is his mother we’re talking about.
“Ack… If you weren’t my mom… If you were anyone else…I could live out a teen boy’s fantasy… Dammit…”
“Ma-kun! Get this off me! I need you to help Mommy undress!”
“Just stop talking! I’ll get it off you! Stay still!”
The son helped his mother undress. No, not like that! Get your filthy mind out of the gutter!
Children, make sure you attempt to equip only what you’re actually capable of equipping.
“Sigh… Having mom along is just too much…”
“Yeah. It’s hard to handle stuff like that when it’s your mom.”
“Huh? You think so, too, Wise?”
“Well, sure. If you were doing pervy stuff with a normal girl, I’d get to jump in yelling ‘What’s wrong with you?!’ and slap you around.”
“I don’t remember appointing you to dole out punishment.”
“But when it’s your mom, I kinda feel like I can just let you go at it, y’know? It’s hard to figure out when to step in… Aaargh, I missed my chance to slap you… It was the perfect setup, too!”
“Thanks for not slapping me.”
They left the store that had encouraged this fashion show and headed for the next armor shop.
The new shop was stuffed with every bit as many things as the last. A real armor lover could spend an entire day browsing the selection. The grumpy clerk shot them a look that read “Help yourself.” So they did.
“Porta, sweetie, why don’t you tell us which items are high quality? That way we can pick what suits our tastes from those… There are so many here, I can’t help but dither…”
“Yeah… Go with the classic look? Strive for originality? This is a true test of a hero’s sensibilities.”
“Oh, this one could be good for you, Masato.”
Wise held up a long jacket made of black leather. There was a magical-looking pattern covering the entire garment, and the left arm was embroidered with a shield motif.
“I could tell instantly! This is Oya & Bannale. They’re a brand that makes things really strong against fire- and ice-breath attacks. And with this style, if you hold your left arm out, you can deploy a defensive wall. Pretty useful!”
“Whoa, that sounds awesome! …You sure know a lot.”
“Of course I do! I mean, I’m wearing the same brand. See? Same logo on the collar.”
Wise pulled her collar up, showing it to Masato, so he leaned in.
Mm, she smells kinda good… No, wait.
“Hey, Porta, take a look. Is this good?”
“Appraising! …Hmm… Light armor for a warrior type… Masato can equip it… Defense functions are as advertised… The price of thirty thousand mum is fair. Yes, I’d recommend this, too!”
“Porta-approved! Then I’ll just…,” Masato started. Then he paused. “Um, I just had a thought. If I wear this, won’t that mean Wise and I match?”
“…Wha?! Th-that would be…”
Not only were the long black leather coat and Wise’s sorcerer’s jacket the same brand, but the designs were clearly quite similar.
At a glance, it would definitely look as if they were dressing the same… Like a couple…
“Oh, Ma-kun! Look at this! What do you think?”
“Mm? Oh…”
Mamako was pulling his sleeve, dragging him after her.
She’d found two sets of armor, one for women and one for men: made of platinum, a delicate pattern over every inch, with details picked out in lava-like crimson and ocean-like blue. A design that pulsated with the very power that created the world.
“Well, these are clearly made to be worn by a hero and his mom… Like they’re begging us to put ’em on.”
“I thought so, too! The exact same colors as Mommy’s swords and yours! Perfectly matching! And, um… What was it again? These were really amazing, right, Porta?”
“Yes! This armor can prevent all status effects! You’ll never get poisoned or confused wearing these!”
“Wow, it nulls all status effects?”
“And there’s magic forged into them that recovers injuries! It can activate once every set period of time.”
“And auto-heal?! Geez, those are some insane specs. I guess I’m sold… But this doesn’t really seem like something we can just walk out with.”
The listed price for the pair was 29,800,000,000,000,000,000 mum.
Twenty-nine point eight quintillion. Thousands, millions, billions, trillions, quadrillions, quintillions.
“They clearly have no intention of selling these.”
“Yes, they do seem to be a little out of our price range. If only they were more like 29,800 mum, we might be able to swing it…”
“It’s like the kind of price you see on an infomercial. No way we’ll talk them into it…”
The shop clerk’s eyes gleamed, and he got up from the counter. The moment he heard Mamako speak, he was already changing the price. Shaving off all those zeros, until the cost for both suits of armor was only…29,800 mum.
“What the hell?! All of Mom’s wishes come true, huh? …How far will this world bend over backward for a parent’s whim…?”
“Ma-kun! It’s only 29,800 mum for both of them! What a steal!”
“True enough. Definitely makes it a really tempting offer. But…if we bought these…then you and I would be wearing matching armor…”
“I think it’s lovely when mothers and sons dress the same!”
“It’s not. There’s no way. I could never… Oh man, I want the auto-heal and full status-effect protection, but…”
The armor glittered, as if promising him it had no equal. But matching his mom? Masato found himself on the horns of a horrible dilemma.
And then Wise came over carrying the long black leather jacket.
“Hey! You aren’t about to spurn the one I picked and buy these, are you?!”
“W-Wise…”
“Think about it! The one I picked is plenty great! You can handle enemy breath attacks! And put out a defensive wall that protects against magic and physical attacks!”
“Y-yeah… Those certainly are astonishingly good specs. I agree it’s a great item. But if I picked that, we’d be the ones matching…”
“B-b-b-but! We wouldn’t match exactly! The designs are similar, but the colors are different!”
“Even with different colors, matching is matching,” Mamako chimed in. “Anyone looking would think as much.”
She quietly stepped up in front of Masato, staring Wise down.
“Wise, darling, if you’re so embarrassed about wearing the same look, there’s no need to try so hard to get him to wear that jacket, is there?”
“Th-that’s true, but… Oh, right! There’s a reason I’m suggesting this!”
“Oh? What’s that?”
“Our party doesn’t have a tank, right? But if Masato wears this, he can tank when we need one! There’s a strategic benefit!”
“I’m not sure what tanks have to do with this, but if we’re concerned about defense, then we really should be wearing proper armor. The set I chose is much stronger.”
“Sure, it’s made of metal! But hey, I can make up the difference with magic! I’ll handle all the support spells, so there’s no problem!”
They were really going at it.
“C-calm down, both of you. No reason to argue about something as trivial as this!”
“Trivial?!” Twitch.
“There’s no point!” Twitch, twitch.
Choosing armor was a woman’s battleground—a battle to the death over who had the best taste. A carelessly voiced opinion meant death! DEATH!
But if he let them keep going at it, things were literally going to explode.
“Well, at least stop with the angry twitching! R-remember, this is my armor! And therefore, my decision! Okay?”
The final choice came down to the one who actually had to wear the thing. It was Masato’s choice to make:
The long black leather jacket, matching Wise’s, with the shield skill and the breath resistance…
…or the clearly legendary armor, matching Mom’s, with resistance to all status ailments and an auto-healing feature?
Which should he choose? Masato already knew the answer.
“We’ve got enough money, so why not buy both? We can use whichever is right for the situation.”
Changing equipment to match the attack patterns of the enemies they were facing was common sense in RPGs. Masato’s choice was the correct one.
But of course…
“Tch, coward. Took the easy way out.”
“I didn’t raise you to be so indecisive!”
Masato found himself bathed in disapproval. Disheartening. Even Porta’s smile looked forced. At least she was trying.
But either way, at least they were done with armor…or so he thought.
The next morning.
“Mom. Explain this.”
“I—I didn’t mean to! It was an accident! I was just trying to make you happy!”
“And that’s why you washed and dried it overnight and gave it to me like this… Or what remains of it…”
Masato attempted to put his arm through the sleeve of the jacket, but it failed to emerge on the other end. The hem had come down to his knees the day before, but now it dragged on the ground.
With the stretched-out, flabby remains of his long jacket equipped, Masato gave his mother a melancholic stare.
“Mom…you can’t use fabric softeners on leather…”
“I just thought it would make it more comfortable! I thought it would make it smell nice! I didn’t expect it to stretch like that! I’m really sorry.”
Mamako bowed her head, genuinely apologetic. Perhaps she really hadn’t intended to ruin it…but Masato wasn’t satisfied.
Ah, crap… I don’t like this…
What didn’t he like? Himself. He didn’t like where his feelings were taking him.
But knowing that didn’t stop it from happening. He couldn’t help himself.
“Look, Mom… Ever since we got here, you’ve been a little too happy.”
“Hunh? …W-well, I’m just glad to be adventuring with you, so…”
“Nah, not that. Like you’re about to float off. Like you can’t settle down for a minute. And you keep…like, doing things your way or pushing me into things.”
“I don’t mean to…”
“Even if you don’t, you are! I mean, I want to fight, too, but you’re so strong you finish everything off before I can. You’re always the one leading the party. There’s no reason for me to be here. I’m supposed to be the hero! Would it kill you to remember that sometimes?”
“Hey! Masato!” Wise said, stepping in. “That’s enough. You’re going too far. And drifting off topic.”
“Uh, yeah, I know, but… I mean, shouldn’t you also be complaining? Wise, she ruined the jacket you picked, too!”
“Yeah, and I was pissed about that! I was gonna say something, but… I don’t want to be as mean as you’re being.”
“…I’m being mean?”
“Yeah, you are. Right, Porta?”
Wise called Porta over and plopped her down in front of Masato. “U-um…,” Porta stammered, looking anxious.
Was she scared because Masato and Mamako were fighting? No, that wasn’t it. Masato had been chewing his mother out. Even if Porta didn’t mean it, that was definitely a reproachful gleam in her eye.
Hang on—am I in the wrong here?
He wanted to argue the point. He felt the impulse churning inside him.
But before he let it out, he realized doing so would be even less cool. He wanted to be cool in front of his honorary little sister. That urge was sad in its own right, but here it helped him get it together. Get over it. Even if you have to fake it.
Masato vented all his anger in one long sigh. He then turned toward Mamako and bowed his head.
“…Sorry. I went a bit overboard.”
“Hunh? O-oh, that’s okay. This is my fault. I’m sorry, too. I didn’t mean to upset you like this.”
“Uh, y-yeah…”
Apologies all around. Issue resolved. Everything back to normal… Sort of.
It wasn’t that easy, was it? Masato still felt an uncomfortable sensation clinging tightly to him, refusing to let go.
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