8
That’s how their pasts and futures cross, leading to the present.
When the sun had fully set, the temperature took a dive, and the wind picked up, too. As I walked along the way by the park, going from school to the station, the barren trees swayed in the north wind.
I tugged the collar of my coat close and completely wrapped the lower half of my face with my scarf. Walking ahead of me were Yukinoshita, Yuigahama, and Miura. There was no club time that day after school, so we were walking the way to the after-party together to report to Miura on her request.
With her tartan check scarf and her beloved curls flapping in the wind, Miura muttered, “Oh…so Hayato’s going for arts.”
“Yeah. Like, probably, though.” Yuigahama smooshed her bun uncertainly. Well, it was secondhand information, and the person who had told her was, as a source, unreliable. So of course she was going to be unsure.
But even hearing such a vague answer, Miura hopped in her squished-heel loafers and gazed up at the sky in a show of indifference. “Then maybe I’m fine with that, too.”
“Should you be deciding that so casually?” Yukinoshita’s tone was gentle, but there was a somewhat critical edge to it.
Miura didn’t look at her, though, still lifting her face to the darkness of night like a stargazer. “There isn’t really anything I wanna do. And if I need sciences, I can just study hard at cram school, right?”
That’s something you could manage if you had academic ability on a level with Hayama, but I dunno about Miura. It seemed I wasn’t the only one thinking maybe that was a little too optimistic—Yukinoshita’s expression was doubtful, too. Yuigahama was nodding. You’re the most dubious one here, academically…
But my worries were misplaced.
“I could take an extra year for entrance exams…but you can’t do that with this,” Miura said and stopped, then came up on her toes and folded her hands behind her like she was stretching her back. From behind, I couldn’t see her expression. But I could imagine her eyes were as clear as the winter sky.
“You’ll have a rough time, dealing with that,” I said.
“Hey, Hikki!” Yuigahama gave me a chiding jab with her elbow.
Miura turned just her head to glare at me, too. “Huh? I don’t need to hear that from you, Hikio.”
“O-okay…” Wahhh… Miura-tan is scary…
She glared at me for a while but then dropped it and started walking again. As a counterargument, she offered the tiniest mutter. “It’s, like, you know…even with any hassles…”
Then she spun back around to face us. The hem of her coat and her shining golden hair danced in the air.
Then she bent over and said a little bashfully, “I think it’ll be fine,” and grinned.
When she said something like that with such a pretty smile, I had to be impressed. I hadn’t known you could make it that simple. It was rash and plain and simple, and that was what made that desire so pure.
I stared at her smile, stunned, until Miura noticed and put it away again. She began striding off with a grumpy look.
“Oh… That’s enough, huh? It didn’t have to be so complicated…,” Yuigahama muttered. When I turned toward her, she was squeezing the chest of her coat. Yukinoshita, standing dazed beside her, was looking at Miura with an expression of surprise.
But maybe it wasn’t something to be surprised about. Back during the school field trip, too, Miura could see Hayama’s intentions and Ebina’s will. So there was a good possibility that her fluffy feelings now would approach something real… Plus, Miura can be a little mom-like!
When she realized we were just standing there, Miura came back. “Thanks, Yui.” Facing Yuigahama, she gave her a little pat on the shoulder. And then she glanced at me with a slight turn of her head. “Oh, and Hikio, too.”
The apathy… I do indeed feel completely incidental. And my name isn’t Hikio, either. Well, whatever.
“And…Yukinoshita? You too… Um, well, so…” Turning away from me, Miura looked straight over at Yukinoshita. After some fidgety hemming and hawing, she seemed to find her resolve, glaring straight at the other girl.
“Sorry.” She flung down her head in a bow.
Yukinoshita blinked, puzzled, but then a little huff of a chuckle slipped out, and she swept the hair off her shoulders with one mittened hand. “I’m not really upset. In fact, I’m impressed with your courage. Not just anyone would come right up to me and get physical.”
“Huh? Why are you so arrogant about it? You are infuriating… I shouldn’t have apologized.”
Though both their words were hostile, their voices were gentle.
Yuigahama had been watching the two of them eagerly the whole time, and she finally leaped on the pair like she couldn’t hold back anymore. “Okay! Then let’s all go to the after-party!”
“I…” Yukinoshita twisted around in Yuigahama’s arms, attempting to refuse.
The other captive, Miura, glanced over to me to say, “…Why don’t you come, too?”
Yukinoshita hesitated for just the slightest moment. Then a small smile came to her lips, and she answered, “…All right. Then just for a bit.”
Miura jerked her face the other way.
The place we went to for the after-party was a rather fancy-schmancy venue with a fancy-schmancy storefront and an English-style pub. There, a bunch of kids around Hayama’s clique and Isshiki were having a good time being loud and chattery.
Looking at this, it seemed more accurate to call this Hayama’s victory celebration rather than an after-party. Hayama’s clique was there, plus Isshiki and Totsuka and his friends, and for some reason, even Zaimokuza.
Going into the pub, Miura immediately headed over to where Hayama was, while Yuigahama seemed unsure what she should do. When Yukinoshita nodded at her, she gave a What can you do? smile and followed after Miura.
Meanwhile, Yukinoshita and I promptly ordered some drinks, then went to lean at the end of the bar counter.
“Cheers to a job complete.” Yukinoshita, standing beside me, lifted her glass.
I raised my own to the same height. “Hmm, yeah.”
Neither of us were that comfortable with this loud atmosphere. I think us watching from the corner as everyone else had fun was the perfect distance away for everyone.
I watched the crowd wordlessly for a while, but then Hayama must have noticed me looking. While he was going around talking to various people, he came over to us. The man of the hour going around to greet everyone. Tough job…
“Hey…thanks for coming,” Hayama said.
Yukinoshita shook her head in response, as if to say, It’s not a big deal, and I nodded in agreement.
While I was wondering if I should say something to congratulate his win, Hayama suddenly bowed his head. “Sorry. I caused you a lot of trouble… Y’know, with the rumors.”
Yukinoshita was speechless, confused. But only for an instant, and her attitude immediately turned firm as she said the same thing she’d said before in the clubroom. “That hardly counts as trouble. Compared with back then, it’s nothing serious.”
“Back then, huh?” Hayama muttered, a little bitter.
Yukinoshita’s expression darkened slightly. “…I understand a little now. I think there would have been a better way to do it. So I think I caused you trouble, too… I’m sorry.” This time, Yukinoshita was the one to offer a little bow. When she raised her head again, there was a look in her eyes like nostalgia for a long distant past. “But I’m grateful for your consideration,” she added.
Hayama’s expression was filled with surprise. He was staring at her like he was taken aback. “…You’ve changed a little.”
“Have I? It’s just that so many things are different from how they were before,” Yukinoshita said, looking over at Yuigahama, and then she glanced at me. It was kinda like I was hearing a conversation I shouldn’t be hearing, and I felt restless. I had to look away.
Yukinoshita breathed a sigh that sounded like a chuckle and turned back to Hayama. “I don’t think you have to be bound by the past, either… There’s no need to force yourself to chase after someone else.”
“…That’s also part of who I am,” Hayama said and smiled. Proudly somehow.
Yuigahama pattered over from behind him, and Totsuka came following behind her. A little worked up from the party atmosphere, Yuigahama wound herself around Yukinoshita’s arm. “Yukinon, the food’s here! There’s, like, tons of chicken! A big whole roast one!”
“It’s really amazing! You come, too, Hachiman!” Totsuka grinned at me.
It was feeling pretty uncomfortable here, so I was grateful for this invitation. I was about to give Totsuka a hearty “Yeah!” and follow after him when Hayama stopped me with a gentle hand.
“We’ll be there soon, okay?” Hayama gave a mild smile to Totsuka and Yuigahama. Then he added, “Right, Hikigaya?”
Yuigahama nodded. “Then we’ll be waiting over there!” She gave the other girl no choice in the matter as she marched Yukinoshita straight away. Totsuka gave me a little wave and headed back to his seat.
Awww… I wanted to peck at the chicken with Totsuka…
Watching the three of them go, Hayama toyed with the glass in his hand, and the ice in it clinked. “She has changed a little after all… She’s not chasing Haruno’s shadow anymore.” Hayama’s gaze was sharp as it followed Yukinoshita. His tone darkened. “…But it’s nothing more than that.”
“Isn’t that enough, though?” I answered without even having to think. I’m sure to her, that was one form of growth. She’d always been compared with someone greater than herself. She’d chased and chased after that shadow, tried to acquire something different from Haruno, and this was proof. So then, I figured she should be proud of it.
But Hayama gave me a dumbfounded look, drank from his glass like its contents were bitter, then asked me gravely, “…You haven’t noticed?”
“Noticed what?”
“Well, if you don’t get it, then maybe that’s for the best…”
“Now you’re being annoying.”
“Someone else has been talking to me like that for a long time, so I grew to be that way myself.” Hayama smiled wryly. His manner of speaking was indeed similar to that of a certain someone we both knew.
Once Yuigahama and Totsuka were seated, Miura and Isshiki waved over at Hayama impatiently. That had to mean to hurry and come. Hayama casually waved back at them and was about to return, but then he gave a small ah as if he’d remembered something, turned back to me again, and said, “Oh yeah, I forgot to say something.”
“Yeah?”
“It’s about your explanation. The reason I didn’t tell anyone what course stream I’m choosing. It’s not that I want to cut off my relationships. Going to a new grade or to university won’t reset relationships.”
“Except it totally will.”
“Only for you. The two of us are different.”
I shrugged, then replied a little mockingly. “…Oh, I see. Then why wouldn’t you say?”
Hayama tossed back the contents of his glass and sighed. Then, with a slightly sorrowful expression like a mourner offering a speech at a grave, he said slowly, “If you make a choice when you have no other options, then you can’t call that your choice, can you?”
Now that he said that, I could finally understand. It wasn’t that Hayama wouldn’t say what he’d picked…
He couldn’t say it. Even the fact that he wouldn’t say it was not of his own will.
Hayama had always met the expectations and hopes of others, and the result was that he could no longer do anything but act in accordance with them. For him, anything other than the optimal answer was not allowed. He’d told Tobe that if you don’t make the choice yourself, you’ll regret it—but in fact, the one with regrets was Hayama himself. It was like his penitence.
Hayama would keep meeting the expectations of others, too. From now on, it would be by his own will.
So I had to be the one person to reject that. I had to make sure he knew there was someone who wouldn’t force expectations on him.
In my opinion, only a pertinent rejection is true understanding, and cold disinterest is kindness. An affirmation from people who don’t understand will just be another shackle weighing him down.
“I also forgot to say something… I hate you, too,” I said, turning my head away from him.
Hayama’s eyes widened a moment, but then with a pfft, he burst into laughter. When his laughter settled, he sounded satisfied. “I see. This may be the first time someone has ever said that to my face.” This time, he finally did take a step away from the bar counter. “But still…I won’t choose, not anything. I believe that’s the best way.” And then he added, “It’s to satisfy myself.” He smiled and returned to where he belonged.
But I couldn’t smile.
If you’re going to find fault with the answer Hayato Hayama had come up with, if you’re going to call it insincere, you would come up with a convincing answer yourself. You would make sure to come up with a proper answer that was different from his.
I took a big gulp of the ginger ale in my hand and looked over to where everyone was sitting.
A stinging harshness remained in the back of my throat.
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