6
He fails to reach the “something real” he’s after and continues to get it wrong.
The oven and kitchen timers went off shrilly in succession. When they sounded, the kitchen filled with cheers and sighs, along with sweet, rich aromas.
From what I could see, watching the group clustered in front of the oven, it seemed Miura’s wholehearted efforts had borne fruit.
She opened the oven with great trepidation, then took the French chocolate cake out from within to offer it to Yukinoshita.
Yukinoshita checked her work. She took her time—one breath’s worth, then two as she examined it meticulously, while Miura was restless and fidgeting at her side, and beside her, Yuigahama was in utter suspense.
Eventually, Yukinoshita let out a short sigh and lifted her head. “…I’d say this is good. I think it’s come out quite nicely,” she said, and Miura exhaled as the tension in her shoulders dropped away.
“You’re amazing, Yumiko!” Yuigahama grabbed Miura in a hug, and Miura gave a faint, soft smile.
“Yeah, thanks, Yui… A-and Yukinoshita.” Though Miura’s face was turned the other way, her eyes were flicking little glances back at Yukinoshita. It was a really weird way to say thanks, and the response she got back was strange, too.
“I can’t say anything until I know how it tastes,” said Yukinoshita, “but for now, I suppose I could call it a pass.”
She just can’t bring herself to say You’re welcome, huh…? But Yukinoshita made a very reasonable point. The goal of this event was not just to learn how to make sweets.
“Yumiko.” Yuigahama gave Miura’s shoulder a gentle touch of encouragement.
So prompted, Miura carefully carried her cake over to Hayama, even forgetting to take off the oven mitts. She twisted around shyly.
“H-Hayato…would you mind…taste-testing this?” She examined him with indirect, flickering glances, like she couldn’t look straight at him.
Hayama returned that look with a calm smile. “Of course. If you think I’m qualified.”
“Yeah…yeah.” It seemed like Miura was searching for the right thing to say, but in the end, she just nodded a few times with bright red cheeks.
Nice work. As I was giving her a mental round of applause, someone else nearby was groaning.
“Mmmgh…”
“What’re you moaning about?” I said, glancing at Isshiki.
She was staring at Miura with resentment and carrying an assortment of finished baked goods that were prettily wrapped, with little attached cards, too. She was squeezing them tight in her hands. “Miura’s doing pretty good, huh…?”
“Yeah, that cake came out surprisingly good,” I said.
“Huh?” Isshiki eyed me like, What the heck are you talking about?
Could you maybe stop giving me that look…?
Isshiki cleared her throat with an ahem and animatedly explained what she meant. “No, that’s not what I mean, okay? It’s, like, the contrast. Normally, she’s so bitchy, so where does she get off acting cute now?!”
“Oh, that’s what you mean…” As expected of the master manipulator.
Though I doubt Miura had a single conscious thought in her head about manipulation. That over there is just a girlish heart with a maternal spirit. Isshiki seemed to get that, too. “I mean, she’s not actually a bitch…,” she muttered
Yeah, you’re the one with the personality issues here…
Isshiki was still grumbling to herself, but venting had apparently satisfied her. She chuckled. “Well, it’s more fun with worthy competition. Some people out there aren’t even worth competing with, after all.” She sighed as if to say, Good grief, then suddenly seemed to remember something. “Oh yeah!” She rummaged around in the pocket of her apron to pull something out and toss it to me. “Have one of these. Since you’re here.”
Accepting it from her, I saw it was some cookies in a little plastic bag. Aside from the tiny ribbon that tied it shut, it wasn’t wrapped at all, and it was a far cry from the elaborate set of baked goods Isshiki was holding.
“What, you’re giving this to me? Thanks?” I said.
She’d handed it to me so apathetically, I wasn’t sure if I should thank her genuinely or not. Which reminded me—she’d said something about a man’s pride and whether he got obligatory chocolate, huh? What the hell, Isshiki’s a good person?! Sorry for thinking you were a jerk before, okay?
Isshiki giggled at my thanks, then stuck up her index finger and brought it to her lips. “…Don’t tell anybody, ’kay?” She winked at me with a devilish smile. “I don’t wanna deal with people finding out,” she said as she strolled away. She was heading straight for Hayama.
As for me, I was so taken aback by what Isshiki had just said and done, I was standing there, frozen. That’s way beyond manipulative. That’s honestly just frightening… The old me might’ve been swept off his feet, you know?
As I trembled in fear at the raw power of my manipulative junior, I decided to watch Hayama and his crowd to bear witness to her struggle.
Isshiki had her cutesy wootsy lashes-batting sweetheart act in high gear as she held out her set of baked goods to Hayama. “Please try these, too, Hayamaaa!”
“Ha-ha, I’m not sure I can eat them all.” Hayama’s breezy smile never broke as he ate Miura’s chocolate cake, and he welcomed Isshiki in a mature manner. He was caught between the two girls yet again.
Then Tobe, who was crunching on some checkerboard cookies, gave Hayama a thumbs-up. “Hayato, if you’re having a hard time finishing stuff, I can help any time.”
“No, there isn’t enough for you, Tobe…” Isshiki’s cold tone took all the heat out of Tobe’s enthusiasm, and he threw himself on Hayama after the harsh treatment.
“That’s so mean! Right, Hayatooo?!”
“I appreciate the offer, but it would be best for you to focus on eating those, Tobe,” Hayama said softly in Tobe’s ear, and Tobe grinned once again, giving him a thumbs-up.
Ah, I see. I can infer those checkerboard cookies were made by Ebina. That’s surprising… I looked over to the one who’d made them.
“Hmm, Hayatobe, huh…? Doesn’t quite do it for me…” Ebina bit into a checkerboard cookie with dissatisfaction as she repeatedly tilted her head. I could see a whole ’nother set of difficulties on the horizon…
All right, how about everyone else? I thought as I looked across to the table opposite Miura’s clique, where the Kaihin crowd was, and found they were also mostly done. They were chattering away loudly with Meguri and the present and former Soubu student council.
One person from that crowd, Kaori Orimoto, noticed my presence and waved at me. Ahhh, still waving at me at times like these. She hasn’t changed since middle school, huh…? Well, that was a long time ago. No problems here.
There was some rustling as Orimoto finished up some task on the counter before trotting over to me.
“Hikigayaaa. Here,” she said, and she held out to me chocolate brownies on a paper plate. Apparently, this was what she’d said she would give me. Oh, there’s no wrapping or anything, huh…? Still, I’m very grateful to get anything, kind Orimoto.
“Then…” While quietly intoning my thanks, I munched on the soft brownie.
Then someone popped up from behind Orimoto. “Mmm, this form of engagement is also fortuitous, isn’t it? I’m sure leaving the framework of the school and working on seamless relationships will be vital in the future after all.”
Just hearing the way he talked, I immediately knew who it was—Tamanawa, the student council president of Kaihin High School.
When Orimoto noticed Tamanawa, she offered a plate to him, too. “Oh, you’re here, too, huh, Prez? Then some for you.”
“Th-thanks… Might as well give you mine, then.” Tamanawa held something out to her: a neatly cut chiffon cake. It seemed this was his group’s masterpiece.
Orimoto gave the cake a puzzled look. “Huh? Why?” she asked.
Tamanawa cleared his throat—ahem, ahem—and once again did that gesture like he was spinning a pottery wheel as he began his lecture. “In other countries, it’s typical for the man to give a gift on Valentine’s Day. For this event, I thought it would be a good idea to introduce globalization. I suppose this would mean being a sort of influencer in Japan.”
“Hmm.” Orimoto didn’t offer him much of a reaction, though, and neither did she offer even a tepid That could be a thing!
Her lack of enthusiasm seemed to bother Tamanawa, as he spun his wheel faster and talked some more. “There’s a lack of awareness, a culture gap, between Japan and other countries, you know. For example, in France, a skirt is worn with someone important to you—things like that.”
Oh-ho… So in other words, the reason Totsuka doesn’t wear a skirt is, in other words, because of that! I’ve got to try harder! That could be a thing!
And so with that thought, I renewed my determination as Orimoto reached out to pinch a bit of the cake.
“It’s pretty good. Thanks,” she said.
“Ah, uh-huh. Well…they’re having a kaffeeklatsch over there right now, so I guess I’ll get back.”
“The heck is a kaffeeklatsch? That’s hilarious.” Orimoto cackled, then casually waved at me with a “See you” as she returned to the Kaihin group.
Then Tamanawa glared at me. “Then…may our next engagement be aboveboard.” With that mysterious parting remark, Tamanawa briskly strode off.
“Uh, we’re not gonna have an engagement, though…,” I muttered. But did my voice even reach him? No, I doubt it. I doubt he’d hear anything that’s not jargon.
But why was he acting that way just now? Was he making his own go of it? It didn’t seem to reach Orimoto at all… Well, it’s Tamanawa, so who cares!
Setting aside Tamanawa, I’d make an effort myself, too. Mostly to have Totsuka wear a skirt for me.
Hmm, Totsuka, Totsuka, skirTotsuka…, I was thinking, bursting with energy and drive as I looked for him and found him easily. I knew it—no matter where he is in the world, I’m pretty sure I could sense him right away!
When I sauntered over to him, he was with Zaimokuza, watching Keika. At the table to the side, Kawasaki was briskly cleaning up. The two of them were apparently babysitting while she was occupied.
But just looking at them, I could sense they weren’t used to handling kids, as they were both struggling. Zaimokuza was totally frozen.
Totsuka was doing his best on his own, and he was looking a bit flummoxed as he talked to Keika. “Ummm… Nice to meet you, Keika-chan. I’m Saika Totsuka. Let’s have some fun today.”
“Ohhh. Saika… Saika… Saa-chan? S-Saa-chan…?” Hearing a name similar to her sister’s seemed to leave Keika confused about what she should call Totsuka.
Yep, yep, I understand the confusion. Totsuka’s so cute, he’s made me feel confused, too. Hashtag confusion.
Well, I think I know what I’m doing when it comes to little girls. So I’d switch places with Totsuka here to handle this.
I sneaked up behind Keika, then clapped a hand on her head.
“Ah, Hachiman.” Totsuka looked at me with relief, while Keika peered up at me with an angelic expression.
“It’s Haa-chan!”
Rubbing a circle on top of Keika’s noggin, I turned her head toward Totsuka. “It’s Sai-chan. You can call him Sai-chan.”
“Mm-hmm. Sai-chan!” That seemed to cure Keika’s dilemma, and she identified Totsuka properly. Totsuka gave a little ah-ha, seeming glad to have Keika say his name.
All right, then now I guess we’ve got to deal with the other one, the statue behind Totsuka… “This is Yoshiteru Zaimokuza. You can call him Zai-chan,” I said, jabbing my chin at Zaimokuza.
Keika nodded and pointed at him. “Zaimokuza.”
“No chan?! I’m the only one without?! In our line of work, that’s an honor!” Apparently, a little girl calling him straight by his name was surprising, even for Zaimokuza. His jaw had dropped open in shock. Or joy? Well, who cares, it’s Zaimokuza, after all.
However, tenderhearted Totsuka would not forget to try to make him feel better. “H-hey, now. Kids are good at remembering strange words.”
“H-hmm… But my name is not exactly a strange word…,” Zaimokuza said, tilting his head as if he wasn’t quite convinced.
Meanwhile, Kawasaki pattered back to us, swiftly wiping her hands on her apron, and Keika leaped on her while calling for Saa-chan.
“Sorry for making you watch her,” said Kawasaki.
“Oh, no, it’s totally fine. Hachiman came. Are you done cleaning up, Kawasaki?”
“Thanks to you.” After showing her appreciation to Totsuka, Kawasaki gave me a hard look. She twisted up her mouth like she was struggling with the words. “Um, we’re going back now… I have to make dinner,” she said.
“Oh, yeah.” Looking up at the clock, I saw it was getting to be about time. That had to be why Kawasaki had been rushing to clean up. She could’ve just left it for someone else, but she’s a surprisingly considerate, good girl, huh? She’s got strong housewife skills.
“Come on, Kei-chan. Let’s go home.” Kawasaki gently patted Keika’s shoulder.
“Mm.” Then Keika tugged at Kawasaki’s skirt and whined, “…Saa-chan.”
Kawasaki, being a big sister, could recognize she was being begged. “…Yeah. Hold on a bit,” she said, snatching up a bag of chocolates to give to Keika.
Accepting them, Keika looked at the chocolates with satisfaction before holding them out to me. “Here, Haa-chan!”
“Um, she said she wanted to give them to you… Take them,” said Kawasaki.
“Oh, thanks. These are well made. You did pretty good, Kei-chan.” I rubbed a circle on her head, and Keika came close to hug around my waist. Ha-ha-ha, you cute thing. I patted her head more.
“…W-well, I might’ve made some of them,” Kawasaki muttered as she put on her coat.
Now that she mentioned it, I looked at the truffles. “Oh, really? …I can’t tell them apart. Your little sister’s amazing.”
“Uh-huh! But you know, Saa-chan worked pretty hard, too.” Keika praised her sister like she was the older one while puffing out her chest and chuckling smugly, while Kawasaki smiled with some exasperation.
“You’ve got to hand them over, so let’s go, Kei-chan,” she said, but Keika was still attached to me and wouldn’t leave. Kawasaki gave Keika a glare. I could feel Keika twitch in response.
Uh, you don’t have to make such a scary face, okay…?
“Okay, let’s go, Kei-chan,” I said to her, and with Keika still clinging to me, I walked out.
“Yep, let’s go!” Keika started walking along with me. Heaving a sigh, Kawasaki followed.
“Bye-bye, Kei-chan. See you later.”
“Aye, fare thee well!”
As Totsuka and Zaimokuza saw her off, Keika waved bye-byyye, going straight out the kitchen and down the stairs. As we went, Kawasaki attentively dressed her, putting on her coat and wrapping her scarf.
It wasn’t long before we reached the entrance of the community center, where it was already completely dark out.
“Want me to come to the station?” I asked.
“It’s fine; this is normal. You’ve got things to do, too, don’t you?” Kawasaki adjusted her grip on her school bag and shopping bags, and with a heave, she squatted down to scoop Keika up in one arm. Despite the flash of her skirt drawing my attention, I did everything in my power not to look. I get the feeling they were black lace, but I was definitely not looking.
“S-see you.” Kawasaki lowered her head slightly as she said good-bye, and Keika, in her arms, responded after.
“Bye-bye, Haa-chan!”
“…Take care,” I said to the two of them as they started walking home, watching them go as they grew distant.
The winter sky that night was completely clear, with no wind or clouds, but that just made the chill feel more intense. The two girls were pressed close to each other, so they didn’t seem that cold. I kind of regretted coming outside without my coat.
I should’ve gone back inside right away, but strangely, my feet didn’t move from that spot.
I swayed and plopped down on the stairs in front of the entrance and heaved a deep sigh. Though I really hadn’t done anything at all, I still felt a little tired. But the sense of fulfillment outweighed it.
We’d heard requests from Miura, Ebina, and the Kawasaki sisters and held the event with Isshiki, then had Orimoto, Tamanawa, and the Kaihin kids—plus Meguri and Haruno—rush over, and even Hayama and Tobe had participated as taste-testers, with Totsuka and Zaimokuza coming, too, and Miss Hiratsuka showing up to bring us snacks.
All this was more than enough.
“This has been fun,” I murmured, just to myself.
A stinging itch crawled around the line of my neck, and the corners of my lips drew up and froze there. The cold must have caused my cheeks to spasm.
I gave them an aggressive massage to warm them, then finally got up.
When I returned to the kitchen, nobody was cooking anymore; everyone was enjoying themselves eating sweets, drinking tea, and chatting.
And now, this pre–Valentine’s Day event was just about done. All that was left was to relax for a while and let it come to a close.
When I headed to my seat, where I’d left my stuff, I found Yukinoshita there. She was setting out a teapot and cups with graceful gestures.
There was a kettle on the built-in kitchen stove, and it was just coming to a boil. Yukinoshita was pouring water from that kettle to make tea.
Arrayed before her were not the familiar cups of varying types, but paper cups. Of course she wouldn’t have bothered to bring ours all the way here.
Yukinoshita poured tea into the paper cups, three servings’ worth, and sat down. When she noticed me approaching, she called out, “Oh, thank you for your efforts today.”
“I didn’t actually expend much effort, though,” I replied as I sat down.
Yukinoshita held out a paper cup to me, a teasing look in her eye. “Oh? You seemed to be whisking all around the kitchen, though.”
“Whisking…”
Because we were baking? Is that the joke? I did kind of feel like the exhaustion from all that brisk whisking was hitting me rather hard. But I definitely had been scrambling, so that was difficult to deny.
“Now we can finally relax,” Yukinoshita said as she brought her tea to her lips. I decided to have mine as well and blew on it.
The paper cup wasn’t very sturdy, unlike my usual cup, and I could feel the heat going straight into my hand and making me slow down. But still, since I’d been outside just moments earlier, it was enough to warm my chilled body. I took a couple of sips, then let out a satisfied sigh.
Glancing over, I saw Yukinoshita was doing the same, but with more fatigue.
“Thanks for your efforts, too,” I said to her.
“Yes. Well… It was a lot of work,” Yukinoshita said as her gaze slid to the oven.
The one standing there was Yuigahama.
Oven mitts equipped on her hands, she pulled a baking sheet out from the oven and pattered toward us. Ahhh, I see. Yukinoshita hadn’t been watching over only Miura’s and Kawasaki’s work. She’d been guiding Yuigahama’s baking, too. Well, that would be exhausting.
“Hikki! Try these!” Yuigahama came over to show off the tray of chocolate cookies she’d made like, Ta-daa! It seemed she’d been waiting in front of the oven the whole time they were baking, and the fragrant scent of fresh baking wafted off her cookies.
They looked like normal cookies. Though their shapes were a bit irregular, they weren’t blatantly burned, and from what I could see, there were no foreign objects mixed into them, either. So far, so good.
Now then, what remained to be seen was the flavor.
I examined Yuigahama in front of me. Her eyes were filled with sparkling hope, her shoulders fidgeting anxiously, and her smile seemed to be a mask for her uncertainty.
If she’s gonna look at me like that, then I have to have one…
I gulped. Of course, I wasn’t swallowing any spit. If anything, I was swallowing my determination!
“…Okay, I’ll have one.” Take a deep breath in and out and roll up your sleeves!
When my hand reached out, Yukinoshita, at my side, suddenly opened her mouth to say casually, “You appear to be bracing yourself for the worst, but it’s all right. I did make them with her, just in case.”
“…Oh, then I’m good.”
“Hey, that was mean!” Yuigahama wailed.
The tension in my shoulders slid away with a phew, and I tossed a cookie in my mouth with a feeling of relief. After some crunching, I swallowed. I waited a bit, but no strange effects on my body ever came.
“…Wow, you can eat them like normal.” I couldn’t help but blurt my honest opinion.
Yuigahama’s cheeks puffed up in a sulky expression. “What’s that supposed to mean…? Of course you can eat them. They’re food.”
Uh, knowing your cooking skills, this is high praise, you know?
But I really was surprised. Yuigahama had put genuine effort into this. Well, I’m sure Yukinoshita’s guidance had something to do with it…
When I looked at Yukinoshita, she was sweeping her hair off her shoulders with pride. “Well, of course. I made sure to monitor you through every single important step.”
“You were monitoring me?! I thought you were just teaching…” Yuigahama wilted slightly.
But in the Yukinoshitan dialect, surveillance and education mean just about the same thing, so there was no cause for concern. It didn’t seem Yukinoshita actually cared much about the difference in the two words, and at this moment, she was transferring the cookies from the pan to a paper plate for inspection.
Then she put a hand to her chin and nodded. “It seems there’s no problem. And the taste-testing has gone well. I suppose I’ll have one, too.”
“Like I said before, it’s more like testing for poison…,” I said. “Why’re you giving me the dangerous job?”
“Don’t call it poison! And hey, I’m having some, too.”
The three of us sat down once again and reached out for the cookies. The texture was flaky, the scent of butter rising to our noses. The soft sweetness and the aftertaste of the bitter chocolate was irresistible.
“…Mmm,” Yuigahama said after having one, and Yukinoshita nodded in response. The two of them looked at each other, and then Yuigahama giggled with pleasure, and Yukinoshita smiled at her, too.
Then Yuigahama spun her whole body around to me. “They’re good, right? Right?”
“Uh, like I said, they’re normal. And that’s good.” I already said that, right? Didn’t I say that?
Yuigahama’s eagerness had pressured me into an answer, but my response made the girls’ expressions darken slightly.
“Normal…”
“Normal, huh?”
Yuigahama’s shoulders dropped slightly, and Yukinoshita shot me a little glare.
Um, hold on a minute, what else should I say at a time like this…? I pulled up the Compendium of Big Bro Hachiman Hikigaya Sayings from my brain and mobilized all my vocabulary for Komachi-directed use.
“Ahhh…uhhh. Well, they’re also just, y’know…really good… Thanks,” I said timidly, hesitantly, carefully, and falteringly, and Yuigahama broke into a bright smile, while Yukinoshita’s gaze softened.
“Yeah!” Yuigahama answered with energy. Yukinoshita stayed silent as she poured me another cup of tea.
Phew. Komachi, looks like Big Bro managed to pull out the right answer…
Even though I had to use mental Komachi for reference, the cookies were honestly good, and my gratitude was sincere.
Between sweet cookies and warm tea, I was fulfilled. Or I thought I was. So even if it was just under my breath, once more, I whispered to myself, “This was fun.”
But there was that feeling that something was wrong.
Just as I noticed it, I heard the click of heels on the floor.
Those footsteps were not trying to hide the sound of their approach, and in fact they seemed to want to be noticed, coming one step closer after another until they finally took form.
Noticing the sound of heels, Yukinoshita flicked her gaze behind me. Her brow knit in a scowl.
That alone was enough to tell me who it was. Haruno Yukinoshita.
“Do you need something?” Yukinoshita asked.
But Haruno didn’t reply. She just looked straight at me, without saying a word, then slid a finger over her glossy lips before slowly opening them. “Is this that something real you mentioned before, Hikigaya?” she asked, and instantly, an icy shiver ran up my spine. I instinctively turned away from her.
But she wouldn’t let me run, closing the distance between us with a step. “Is spending your time like this what you meant?”
“…I dunno. Maybe.”
That meaningless reply was all I had.
Haruno’s voice had a coldness to it, but also a purity. Like this was a confession she really just couldn’t understand, shoving me away.
“What is this about, Haruno?”
“Y-yeah. Hey, u-um…”
When Yukinoshita and Yuigahama spoke, cracking under the pressure, Haruno gently held up a hand to silence them. I was the one being questioned right now.
The gesture was unnecessary—Haruno Yukinoshita just stared me in the eye as if she had no interest in anything but my answer, watching every single move I made, down to the last breath.
“Is this it? …I don’t think that’s who you are, though.” Haruno paused there, walking up behind me. Her gaze slid from my neck to my face to examine me. “I never took you to be so boring.”
She was close enough that I felt her breath, so near it felt like just the slightest squirm might touch my skin against hers, but those words also seemed to be coming from frighteningly far away.
“…If you want someone to entertain you, that’s the most popular guy in class,” I answered her, with my head turned the other way.
“That’s what I like about you.” Haruno giggled with genuine amusement, then finally stepped back.
If she would just keep going and leave, it would be easier. But Haruno Yukinoshita wouldn’t do that. I was already aware she wasn’t so soft.
From her position a step back, Haruno looked down on us imperiously. “…But you guys are all kind of boring now. I…liked you better before, Yukino-chan.”
Her words made my breath catch. I felt my face freeze.
Yukinoshita’s and Yuigahama’s faces were turned down, but I assumed their expressions were similar.
Figuring no one would answer her, Haruno let out a short sigh. Eventually, the clicking of her heels on the floor grew distant.
While listening to her footsteps, I clearly understood what she was trying to say.
Haruno Yukinoshita was implying—that this couldn’t possibly be something real.
I agreed.
I did sense something was wrong about this situation, about these relationships.
I’d thought it was just because I wasn’t used to it. Because I’d never experienced it before. So that feeling was just that—a feeling. With the passage of time, I would gradually grow into it and accept it.
But she wouldn’t let me ignore the dissonance.
That thing that had been stuck in my chest this whole time, like it was frozen there. That restless chill. That discomfort I had kept from showing on my face until this very moment.
Haruno Yukinoshita was taking that thing I’d tried not to think about and shoving it in my face.
Telling me it was not trust at all. That it was something much more cruel, more repulsive.
The post-festival mood is always a downer.
And the event in this kitchen was no exception. After Isshiki officially wrapped up the proceedings, everyone cleaned up their things and went off in twos and threes.
As the crowd grew smaller by one person, then two, the energy that had been buzzing in the kitchen settled into quiet. Only the current student council and the Service Club remained.
We were joining the student council in clearing out the garbage as well as some other tasks to put the facility back the way it had been when Isshiki returned from collecting the posters.
“The student council will handle the rest, so it’s okay, you know?” she called out to us.
Scanning the room again, I saw indeed there wasn’t much work left. We could leave the rest to them.
But we didn’t.
“Hmm… Well, we’ll keep helping out till it’s done.”
“Yes, it’s perfectly normal.”
Yuigahama, Yukinoshita, and I all chose to stay and help.
Isshiki seemed surprised by their answers as she looked over to me for confirmation, but when I nodded back at her, she grinned. “Oh, will you? Then I won’t say no to that,” she said.
But I was probably the one taking advantage. If I let this end, then I might start thinking, so I was trying to put that off as much as possible.
That kind of resistance didn’t last long.
Once we were done cleaning up most everything, the only thing left was the table where we were.
I crushed the paper cup of cold black tea and tossed it in the garbage bag, and once I tugged the mouth of the bag shut, there was nothing else to do.
We finished locking the door and checking to make sure we hadn’t forgotten anything, and then we all left the community center. After throwing the garbage away in the designated spot, there was no longer any reason to stick around.
“Sooo see you later.” Isshiki bobbed her head in a bow to me at the door to the community center. The other members of the student council returned the gesture.
It had been such a spur-of-the-moment event, everyone was visibly tired. Nobody had the energy left to suggest going to an after-party, and they all started on their own routes home.
The same went for the three of us.
Yukinoshita reshouldered her school bag, plus her slightly largish bag of stuff. The second bag probably had the tea and her personal cooking implements. “…Let’s go home,” she said.
“Yeah.” I pushed my bicycle after Yukinoshita, heading toward the station for now. But Yuigahama grabbed the rear rack of my bike.
“What…?” I asked her.
Yuigahama smiled a little awkwardly. “Ah, ummm, wanna go get something to eat?”
Yukinoshita and I exchanged a look at the sudden offer.
“I don’t know,” Yukinoshita said. “It’s quite late…”
“So, so then…I’m staying at your place anyway tonight, Yukinon, so let’s go eat over there.”
“You’re staying over tonight…? Did she get any say in that?” I said. It was true that Yuigahama often stayed at Yukinoshita’s, and I got the impression they’d gone back together before and after events like this.
“Wh-why not? No?” Yuigahama cajoled.
Yukinoshita expelled a small sigh. “I don’t mind, though…”
“Yay! Then let’s go! Hikki…what about you?” Unlike the way she’d just been pleading with Yukinoshita, that question had a more urgent feel to it.
I couldn’t come up with a good reason to refuse, so I nodded. “Let’s go. I’m hungry, after all. We’re good to meet up at the station?”
“Yeah!”
Once I had approval, I nodded back.
I spun my bicycle around to go the other way and started pedaling immediately.
I arrived at the station right when the two girls came out of the ticket gates.
They’d taken the train, while I’d taken my bike. Of course, the train is faster, but depending on how long you spend waiting, sometimes there’s not much of a difference in the total time needed. It seemed we’d synced up just right.
After meeting up, we first decided to head back to Yukinoshita’s place for a bit so she could leave her things there. It wasn’t that far to the station. The three of us walked, occasionally chatting about nothing, sometimes just passing time in silence.
After strolling along a side road through the big park, a familiar apartment tower came into view. We crossed the street, but when we approached the building entrance, Yukinoshita’s feet froze.
“What is it?” I asked, but she didn’t react much.
“Oh, nothing…” She was staring at something doubtfully. Tracing her gaze, I saw a parked car. I’d seen that fancy black car before.
By the time I thought, Isn’t that…? The car door had opened, and a woman was stepping out.
With her glossy black updo and kimono, she struck a balance of glamor and dignified poise. It was Yukinoshita’s mother.
“Mother… Why are you here?” Yukinoshita asked.
“I was just talking with Haruno about your future, so I came here to discuss it with you. Yukino. What on earth are you doing out this late…?”
Yukinoshita lowered her head before her mother’s worried gaze, and the older woman breathed a little sigh. “I didn’t think you were the type to do things like this…,” she said.
Yukinoshita raised her chin for an instant, giving her mother a hard look in the eye. But she said nothing, just bit her lip shallowly as she averted her eyes. Those gentle, cold words held her captive. That one sentence was enough to reject who she was in favor of the mold she was meant to fill.
Mrs. Yukinoshita’s gaze was not at all sharp. Her tone carried neither anger nor irritation—in fact, the word for it was maybe just sadness. “I’ve given you this freedom because I trust you… No, this is my responsibility, my failure,” she said quietly with a shake of her head, not giving anyone room to argue.
“I…,” Yukinoshita started to say in a feeble voice, but that was again lost in her mother’s next reply.
“Am I the one at fault here…?” she said as if to herself, her voice filled with apology and regret. The words came out fragile, with so much self-recrimination that no one could possibly fight her now—not even Yukinoshita, the one she was speaking to.
Waiting for the pause that came when Mrs. Yukinoshita sighed woefully, Yuigahama ventured, “Um…today was a student council event, um, and we stayed late helping out…”
“Oh, so you came to send her home. Thank you. But it’s late now, and your parents must surely be worried…aren’t they?” Though she never said so directly, the silent Go home was unmistakable in her voice, perfectly kind and gentle, and her soft smile.
And at the same time, her attitude drew a definite line. She was saying we weren’t allowed to intrude in this family problem. We had no choice but to back off. Yuigahama and I could both understand intuitively that we wouldn’t be allowed to speak here.
As we were both struck silent, Mrs. Yukinoshita approached with quiet and graceful steps and gently touched her daughter’s shoulder. “I want you to live freely and be yourself… But I’m worried you’ll make the wrong choices… What do you want to do, from now on?”
How much did she care to hear an answer to that question at all? I couldn’t tell.
“…I will explain. So go home for now,” Yukinoshita said, head turned down.
“I see… If you say so…” Mrs. Yukinoshita appeared confused. Then she looked over at Yuigahama and me.
“…Well, we’ve walked her back, so I’m going,” I said, and Mrs. Yukinoshita nodded a bow, and I turned to go. She wouldn’t be comfortable with a guy hanging around where her daughter was living alone. It would do Yukinoshita no favors for me to stick around.
“M-me too… See you later!” Yuigahama said, right behind me, then rushed off. She obviously couldn’t say she’d be staying over, with things like this.
After getting a few meters away, I glanced back again to see Yukinoshita having a short conversation with her mother. Once their talk was over, Mrs. Yukinoshita returned to her car. Then her daughter, left standing there alone, eventually vanished into the apartment building.
As Yuigahama and I were waiting for the light at the crosswalk, the Yukinoshita family car rolled away. The rear windows were tinted, so I couldn’t see the people inside, but I got the feeling they could see us. It made me uneasy.
Eventually, the light turned green, and Yuigahama trotted a few steps ahead. Then she spun back to face me. “I’m going home, then.”
“Oh…I’ll walk you back,” I said.
She shook her head. “It’s okay. The station is right over there. And besides, I think it might feel…unfair.”
I couldn’t ask what she meant.
“…I see.” With only that feeble reply, I watched Yuigahama’s back as she started to walk away.
It wouldn’t be much farther for me to stop by the station before going back home. But still, I couldn’t follow her.
After watching Yuigahama go under the shine of the streetlights, I finally got on my bike and started pedaling. The wind wasn’t strong, but the cold winter air stabbed at my bare cheeks.
After a while of pumping my legs, the heat began to build, while the inside of my head cooled completely.
Me being myself. Her being herself. Being yourself.
I’m sure everyone has a “self” that is prescribed by another, one that’s never quite right. That’s true for me, and for her. Another’s perception of what is “us” is always in contradiction somewhere.
I didn’t need to ask someone else to know that.
I mean, I used to say it myself. The old Hachiman Hikigaya was always howling it. Are you okay with that? Is that what you want? Is that Hachiman Hikigaya?
So as to keep myself from hearing those taunts, those yells, those screams, I plugged my ears, closed my eyes. In place of words, a hot, condensed breath left my mouth.
I couldn’t even say myself what was “me.” So then what about that “something real”? Where was the real us? How could such a person dictate how these relationships were supposed to be?
Now that I’d named this feeling as something wrong, I couldn’t think of it as anything else.
I’m sure these feelings, these relationships, should never have been defined. I shouldn’t have given them names. I shouldn’t have found meaning in them. Once they’re given meaning, then they lose their other functions.
I’m sure it would’ve been easier if I could fit them into a mold, but I hadn’t done that, because I’d known. I’d known once you give them form, the only way you can change their shape is by breaking them.
And I wanted something that couldn’t be broken. So I’d avoided giving it a name.
I kept on wondering if, maybe, she and I had both just been clinging to a bunch of formless words.
If at least one flake of snow would fall, it would cover all sorts of things. Maybe I could have avoided thinking about these things when I didn’t have to. But it hardly ever snows around here, and the sky was utterly clear that night. Not a cloud to be seen.
Nothing but the glittering light of the stars, clearly illuminating the person I was now.
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