Chapter 8: As I pray, at the very least, that I won't make any more mistakes.
When would winter end? There weren’t many clear experiences I could draw from so far so the days only somewhat were noticeable in their changes in temperature. But even so, I was strangely aware of the turning points, probably as we reached milestone after milestone.
That’s why, the end of winter to me is probably today.
Yesterday, I’d shut myself away in my room all day long, exchanging mail with Zaimokuza, refreshing the SNS, thoroughly checking for any errors on the homepage; just spending the day off completely restlessly.
Then comes the Monday that opens the week. The Monday everyone detests. The Monday when problems that occur in the weekend gets reported.
Going to school, the classroom was filled with the atmosphere of a year’s end. Because of the excitement from the season of graduation, the topics of conversations were mostly about future courses, plans for the spring break, or even about the final tests. Excluded from all the casual chats was me alone at my seat, just silently listening to it all.
What awaited was the after school chime.
Through Yukinoshita Haruno, the bait had been spread. The prom that had been cornered based off on self-restraint had another even flashier proposal. The subset of caregivers opposing the prom wouldn’t be able to overlook this information. Above all, because their window of argument had already been established, they would probably make their move faster than they did before; both today and tomorrow too.
And it seems that prediction wasn’t all that off the mark.
When the afternoon classes ended, as the atmosphere began to lighten, Hiratsuka-sensei came towards the classroom as if she had been hurrying somewhat. She peered in through the door and when our eyes met, she smiled tiredly.
“Hikigaya. Do you have a moment after this? You’re being called in.”
As if Hiratsuka-sensei had said a joke, the lot remaining in the classroom slightly turned their heads.
Already having packed up and gathered my things, I took my bag and headed off. Hiratsuka-sensei smiled bitterly at that.
“The reason you’re being called… Looks like you already know why.”
“Sort of, since I can think of a lot of reasons. I used to be called in every time something happened.”
“Seriously.”
Hiratsuka-sensei shrugged her shoulders and her bitter smile appeared somewhat sad. I also pretended to smile bitterly while averting my eyes.
And, what came within my line of sight were those groups doubting us.
On one side were several students giving us strange looks while there were those at the back of the classroom giving us their usual reactions.
Miura didn’t seem to have any interest in us at all and looked bored while twirling her hair with her fingertips. Ebina-san was looking at me while nodding. Tobe’s group was smirking while whispering, “tsubeh. Hikitani-kun screwed up, beh”. Damn you, Tobe...
But there was just one in the middle, Hayama, that maintained a cold smile like a statue and fixated his gaze this way.
I have no reason to know what he means by that and I’m not interested either, but I can tell just from looking that there’s pity.
And finally, there was Yuigahama. Quickly able to guess the situation based off Hiratsuka-sensei’s presence here, she stopped packing her things and only grabbed her nearby coat with her as she ran out.
Exiting into the corridor, Yuigahama caught up to us. She probably intended to come to help me, but I can’t keep relying on Yuigahama for this. Always, up until now, I came this far by relying on her. I wanted to complete the finishing touches by myself.
“It’s just me appointed to be there, right?”
“That’s right. Well, I don’t know if it’s an appointment or not. I’ve just been told to call in the person responsible.”
“Yeah, that would be me.”
Hiratsuka-sensei breathed out with an expression mixed between bitterness and sarcastic amazement. Yuigahama watched our exchange with a long face before uneasily opening her mouth to speak.
“But I think it’d be good if I went as well…”
“It’s okay, I’ll do it properly.”
I said it so nonchalantly that Yuigahama opened her mouth to say something, but just before she could, her words had caught in her throat. And then, with lips pursed, she made a slight nod.
Her strange behaviour caught my attention and when I turned my gaze to face her, Hiratsuka-sensei struck my shoulder.
“There’s no need to worry, I’m here too. Nothing weird is going to happen.”
Hiratsuka-sensei said to put her at ease and Yuigahama nodded by returning a faint smile.
“Then I’ll be off for a bit.”
“Yeah. If something happens, call me.”
As she spoke, Yuigahama lightly made a soldier’s gesture with a raised hand while Hiratsuka-sensei and I began to walk again. I burningly watched her figure clad in a white coat with hands deep in her pockets as I followed her one step behind.
“Is this according to your plan?”
Hiratsuka-sensei slightly moved her neck and asked my reflection on the glass of the windows extending across the corridor.
“...Sort of, for the most part.”
Honestly speaking, not everything has been going according to plan, but the very minimum has been achieved. To me, this is a job well done. As I answered, I could tell Hiratsuka-sensei was smiling wryly over her back.
“That’s very much like your methods. Do you have a chance of winning?”
“There doesn’t have to be. In any case, there isn’t another way.”
As the continuing glass of the windows changed to walls, I could no longer infer Hiratsuka-sensei’s expression. I could only hear a sighing voice escaping.
“...That’s not a bad answer. I like it, that kind of thing.”
As she spoke, Hiratsuka-sensei’s figure unexpectedly disappeared. I knew she’d just turned the corner and was going down the stairs, but even so, I’d hurriedly moved my legs faster. Becoming aware of what I was doing, I smiled bitterly.
Someday soon, will I end up looking for that figure every time something happens? Because I was imagining stuff like that, I had stopped walking at some point. As I slowly went down the stairs one step at a time, the distance between us began to widen. Just like this, I will surely have to come to terms with separating from this person.
Neither of us spoke and the only sounds came from our footsteps.
As we approached the landing, Hiratsuka-sensei’s white coat flowed as she turned half her body towards me.
“Hikigaya, do you have time sometime soon? It doesn’t have to be today. It can be tomorrow or some other day.”
Hearing that, I thought about my schedule for a moment. Today I still had to clean up things here and there which would take up some time, but I really had nothing to do tomorrow and after.
There probably wouldn’t be any club activities anymore. Regardless of how the prom turns out, there likely wouldn’t be.
I was late in replying because I was suddenly thinking about all of this. Our footsteps resounded as if filling in the meanwhile silence.
“...Well, I’m pretty much free.”
“Really. Okay then…”
Walking forward, Hiratsuka-sensei was also slowly thinking about something as she cut off for a moment.
“...Okay then, let’s go for ramen!”
With only her neck turned this way, and her long hair shaking, I could see her smiling as if she won something.
I replied with a bitter smile and a nod.
8-2
At last, we reached the reception office and Hiratsuka-sensei knocked on the door. The voice of the person who requested me coolly sounded out and I remember having heard that voice somewhere before. It seemed the visitor was Yukinoshita’s mother after all.
I followed Hiratsuka-sensei into the room and there someone gracefully standing next to the window turned around to face us. The person before us, wearing a wisteria-coloured kimono moderately decorated with peach blossoms, was truly an unimaginable beauty.
Coffee had already been prepared and placed at the seat of honour. Yukinoshita’s mother sat there and with a friendly voice asked me to sit down as well. I quietly obeyed and Hiratsuka-sensei took a seat next to me.
“We’ve met the other day as well, haven’t we.”
“Yes... Nice meeting you then.”
I answered with a twitching smile. Her formal smile overlapped with Haruno-san’s features and frankly I wasn’t very good at dealing with it. As if she could tell I was nervous from my state, Yukinoshita’s mother raised a hand to her mouth; smiling as if she was lovingly looking at a small animal.
“Then let’s start over… May I ask about your reason for being here today?”
When Hiratsuka-sensei cut in, Yukinoshita’s mother gently smiled and took out her smartphone.
“Ah, that’s right. Then getting straight into it… This, were you the one who thought of it?”
On the low table was the phone screen that was displaying the official site of the dummy prom.
Absorbed in the thought that this was the finale of the match, I laughed a little. Because I’d wanted this shameless attitude calling for diplomacy during this critical moment. While this sense of crisis is being called an accidental trigger, there had been no other option but to call for a compromise.
“It could be the opinion of some students. These days there are quite some flashy high school students.”
As I said a line I’d been told somewhere before, reworded with sarcasm mixed in, Hiratsuka-sensei’s elbow hit my side. Yukinoshita’s mother looked at that with a smile and responded with a certain tone of voice.
“I see…”
Yukinoshita’s mother placed her hands on her temples and narrowed her eyes. Her gestures reminded me of the gaze of big cats as they went into hunting mode.
I started to get a bad feeling as sweat gradually began to run down my scalp. I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve never been wrong about bad feelings.
Suddenly, Yukinoshita’s mother began to speak.
“Running another proposal isn’t a bad move, but the flaws stand out a bit. Also, even if you increase the number of choices, it will still be difficult without resolving the fundamental problems. What’s your opinion on that part?
That gaze and tone of voice had changed to become so much colder than before. A cold chill ran down my spine. The last part of what she said seemed a question aimed towards me, but my head couldn’t get around to an answer.
Yukinoshita’s mother rejected the dummy prom proposal we’d made because it was just something used to run against the original proposal. Had she heard something from Haruno-san in advance? No, judging from her actions the other day, she wouldn’t go out of her way to tell her mother when it seemed there would be discord.
In other words, it simply means she saw through our plans. In addition, because she could point it out from the beginning, our plans were crushed before they even started.
I should have replied, but I had lost my words and I was left dumbfoundedly looking at Yukinoshita’s mother.
The person on the other side was calm and composed as she hid her mouth with a folding fan, smiling as if she was enjoying this. That figure appeared as if she was looking forward to what hand I would play next.
Though she could make a face like that, I could only put up a bitter smile. The things I had thought of saying had all blown away. As long as her first hand remained calling out my plan as something just used to run against the original, there was no meaning in exchanging words about it. Besides, the dummy prom plan had been seen through by both Hayama and Haruno-san the very first time they saw it as well. I had already lost the moment I thought it would go through someone like Yukinoshita’s mother.
“The real problem, the one about the self-restraint at a prom; the fact we can expect a subset of students to rebel against it is true. The risk of this happening in a place not in our awareness still exists.”
Seeing me unable to reply, Hiratsuka-sensei promptly intervened.
“Therefore, it might be wise to choose situations that falls within our management to some extent. The Student Council’s side have revised their plans to find a way that will satisfy both sides.”
Hiratsuka-sensei handed documents that she’d set on the side table to Yukinoshita’s mother and gave me a part of them too. Flicking through them, I could see the revisions from what Yukinoshita and the others had said the other day. Yukinoshita’s mother also examined through the documents but had a dull reaction to it with a somewhat sour expression.
Hiratsuka-sensei’s follow up itself was in line with my ideas. But, seeing the dummy prom completely as just an alternative plan made our persuasive attempts feel strongly like we were on the defence. Yukinoshita’s mother also had a troubled look as she turned her neck.
“I see… It looks as if you’re bringing together components to make persuasions, but I wonder if they would understand… Because there could be people on the inside also stubborn about this.”
Yukinoshita’s mother mixed her words with a bitter smile. Though her wording was different, it was something I’d heard somewhere before.
“Even if we continue talking like this, to change everyone’s opinions, they’d need to be here.”
Not paying attention as the other side continued to talk, I lightly closed my eyes and searched through my memories. If I remember correctly, it was Yukinoshita Haruno who’d said it; that she didn’t care about how the prom itself turned out.
In that case, for what reason did Yukinoshita’s mother bring up that subject here.
The answer was simple. Because it had resulted in a problem.
Yukinoshita’s mother had a way of solving it and the one tool required existed here. It would do nothing but erase the dispute; her idealism and actions didn’t matter. She had a habit of seeing things as problems and avoiding uproars. Thus, she was just playing along.
But that’s why we proposed the dummy prom; to lead her to something more reasonable. That aim itself was definitely not wrong.
It’s just, where we’d drawn the line was wrong. Methods are methods, tools are tools, and to that end, there was no concept of friend or foe.
This time, Yukinoshita’s mother was the messenger. She was only a negotiator sent by the other party.
My opponent in this game isn’t Yukinoshita’s mother. She was just another piece on the board; the strongest queen.
In that case, there was still a hand I could play.
There was probably just one person in this world, something only I could use, even if I wouldn’t be forgiven for using it just once; the absolute lowest and worst means.
However, if I only had one card left in my hand, then I had no choice but to play it.
“To persuade that ‘everyone’ you speak of, can we ask for your cooperation?”
Maybe my statement was unexpected, Yukinoshita’s mother tilted her head. A movement so innocent, I dropped a smile. Their reactions when they’re told something out of their expectations were truly so similar.
“There is a way of persuading them, isn’t there? Then wouldn’t the end result change depending on who says it?”
What’s important isn’t “what is said”, but “who says it” may be an overused phrase, but it is the truth. The subset of stubborn caregivers and such could be convinced if it was Yukinoshita’s mother saying it instead of me. They would also know they’d be dealing with an opponent who held a higher rank than themselves and it’s because of this I was asking for her assistance.
The nature of this game was nothing other than to take the opponent’s queen.
“...In fact, it wouldn’t be very persuasive if it was someone like me who isn’t really known by anybody talking.”
With a dry laugh and a pitiful voice, I had played check on the unknown black king.
“That’s not true. I think you’ve done well in such a short time. It was to the extent I became curious who it was.”
After Yukinoshita’s mother smiled and spoke as if she was truly impressed, she turned her neck.
“My apologies, had I asked you what your name is?”
And then she lowered her eyebrows and asked like she wasn’t that sorry.
In a moment, Hiratsuka-sensei held my wrist to restrain me. She understood well that if I said my name here, the other side would get some kind of meaning out of it.
But my turn had been over the moment the other side had asked. All that was left was to fulfil my role as another piece on the board.
This piece usually never had any use. They were good-for-nothings that had no place on the board except to take up space.
But, in just one circumstance were they capable of removing the queen from play.
“It’s Hikigaya Hachiman.”
When I named myself, Hiratsuka-sensei breathed out a small sigh as if she had given up and let go of my wrist.
“Hikigaya…”
Yukinoshita’s mother placed a hand to her mouth while repeating my name in a small voice and wandered her gaze downwards. Seeming like she finally remembered something, she raised her head.
“I see… You’re…”
I returned her gaze with a formal smile. I can’t do it as well as Hayama or Haruno-san, but I tried as best I could. Maybe it was effective, because Hiratsuka-sensei looked like she was playing dumb.
The problem starts here. As I’ve named myself, I couldn’t afford to make any mistakes in my statements or behaviour. Whether it be coercion, insolence, or even being overly sucking-up, any of it could be seen as intimidation.
And so, as long as I’ve been cornered, mistakes from now on will become my fault and becomes something the other side could take advantage of. That’s why I have to act with sincerity and convey that we have no ill intentions.
“We caused you terrible trouble on that occasion. You parents were left with many things to do and excuse us that we couldn’t greet them.”
Her words were as flat as possible and her lowered head was neither too shallow nor deep. Just fulfilling with as much duty as she held responsible. There weren’t any other unnecessary emotions within.
This was a one form of diplomatic etiquette. It wasn’t an excessive show, but just enough.
Maybe she thought the message was correctly conveyed, she returned to her composed self.
“We truly apologise for the trouble caused by one of our own. How was your leg injury? We offer our sincere apologies for the inconvenience it must have caused.”
I positively act in response to Yukinoshita’s mother deeply lowering her head.
“I made a full recovery thanks to you. To the point my leg became even sturdier than before. You can watch me dance when the prom is on.”
At that moment I moved just my foot around as my shoes made tapping noises and showed off how random my step work was. As I did so, Yukinoshita’s mother observed, placing her hand to her mouth as she pleasantly laughed.
“What bad manners.”
Hiratsuka-sensei hit my waist with a smack and thanks to that I could finally stop clowning around. I scowled at myself for acting so foolishly and I refrained from letting out a deep sigh.
Still smiling as Yukinoshita’s mother watched, her eyes narrowed and she murmured to herself.
“...has quite the nerve.”
Her gaze was so cold it made me feel as if she was evaluating me and I was being frozen solid. In those eyes that looked as if they could see through everything, I felt nauseous.
But that gaze soon loosened. Yukinoshita’s mother opened her folding fan and hid her mouth as she giggled. That was this person’s way of laughing honestly.
“I’ll do it.”
“Thank you for your help.”
Until the very end, I tried to maintain my composure as I answered; wiping the sweat from my forehead while pretending I was combing my fringe. My shirt was tightly sticking to me from cold sweat and my throat was so dry it hurt even just by breathing in.
Looking in hindsight, all I’d done was name myself and talk about that incident in the past. That name, that conversation, those themselves had no meaning. That’s why whoever heard it can give whatever meaning they want to it.
Yukinoshita’s mother had been smiling for some time now, but it disappeared as she flicked the fan closed.
“Alright… let me try talking to the caregivers. It would help if the teacher could also be present.”
“We will adjust to your schedule.”
I listened as the adults discussed business. My nervousness from before had been cleanly cut and I began to feel a surge of tiredness. Without realising it I was staring up at the ceiling, sighing deeply, and standing in a daze.
“Hikigaya. Can you do something for me?”
“Y-Yes.”
Suddenly being talked to, I straightened my back in panic. It looked like the conversation had progressed quite a lot while I hadn’t been listening.
“I can’t leave after this. Can you tell Yukinoshita to continue the revised plan for the prom? How you tell her, I’ll leave it to you.”
“Ha… I got it...”
Hiratsuka-sensei just nodded as I answered without having understood the flow of the conversation. Her eyes were telling me to hurry up and go. Well, it was true we didn’t have much time left until the prom. The decision-makers should be promptly told of this.
After I stood up, Yukinoshita’s mother sitting on the other end smiled.
“Hikigaya-kun. Let us meet again.”
“Hahaha… Please excuse me.”
Playing it off with a dry laugh and without giving a direct answer, I bowed and left the reception room. If possible, I didn’t want to meet her again...
8-3
I quietly walked down the school building in the approaching twilight and finally reached the Student Council room.
I stood in front of the door and knocked. There was only a slight delay before there was an answer, and I breathed out a deep sigh.
There were no sounds of footsteps and the door opened quietly. The heater must have been turned on as a flow of warm air escaped from the narrow opening.
The person holding the door knob was a girl with plaited hair and glasses. If I remembered correctly, this was the secretary. She seemed to know who I was as she let me inside.
I lightly lowering my head in thanks and entered, and right in front of me was the vice-president at his desk, crying “there’s no time… there’s no time...” while doing his work. Good, good, suffer some more.
I looked around the inside of the room, but Yukinoshita wasn’t here. Just Isshiki at the desk on the far end, gnawing on snacks and tilting her neck as she looked at me.
“...I hadn’t called for you.”
Am I not allowed to come if I’m not called for? Yep, not allowed. When I opened my mouth to say the reason I’d come, Isshiki clapped her hands.
“Ah, are you here to help? Aiming to be a servant? A free labour worker?”
What’s with that super development? Just how much are you leaping? Having to deal with Irohasu who hadn’t changed, my shoulders dropped as some strength left my body.
“Expect that next year. I’ll introduce you to a promising rookie. Anyway, where’s Yukinoshita?”
I asked after our exchange of our usual remarks. Isshiki turned her neck and glanced at the unornamented desk Yukinoshita used.
“Haa, now that you mention it, she’s not here.”
Isshiki seemed to only notice this now. Seeing that reaction, it probably hadn’t been that long since she’d left.
She probably left because the heater was on too strongly. Anyway, if Yukinoshita wasn’t here then there was no reason for me to be here either.
“Then nevermind. Later.”
“Ah, hey, what’s with that?! Didn’t you come for some reason?!”
Isshiki called out and stopped me as I tried to quickly leave the room. I suddenly realised when she said “reason”. I hadn’t been told specifically to tell Isshiki, but I figured she should know. I stopped walking and turned around.
“Ah, that’s right. They’ve decided to go with your proposal for the prom. You can go ahead and start on it. Good luck.”
“Haa… Huh?”
Isshiki’s mouth dropped open and turned her entire upper body along with her neck. If she heard the details, I’d have to tell her the whole story of how it all happened which would be too much of a pain. I’ll take my leave while Isshiki’s head is still trying to comprehend it.
8-4
I hadn’t decided on where I was going, but even so my legs didn’t hesitate and naturally headed towards that place. I thought she must be there.
In the empty hallway of the special building. It’s been almost a year that I’ve passed through here towards the clubroom. I would probably still reach it even if I closed my eyes.
Finally, I could see the door. I stood in front of it, traced it, then placed my fingers on the handle. It should be made of the same materials as every other classroom door, but I felt as if I would never forget this coldness and hardness.
If I pulled with some strength, the door would make a noise and slide open.
What’s in front of me, wasn’t a deviant, but a regular classroom.
However, the reason I felt this classroom was different was likely because a certain girl was there.
In the setting sun and the blowing wind, Yukinoshita Yukino was standing by the window, gazing at the outside.
The window was wide open as if to change the atmosphere in the clubroom not used by anyone in a while and the curtain was swaying in the wind.
Even if the world ended, this girl would be here, like this. This sight was so much like a painting that I was making these illusions.
When I saw that, both my body and mind had stopped.
——I was lost in admiration even when I was defeated.
Yukinoshita noticed the visitor and she held her hair swaying in the wind as she turned around. Her eyes widened as if surprised for a moment, but quickly expressed a smile.
“Hello.”
“...Yeah.”
As I answered her, Yukinoshita closed the window. The swaying curtains also stopped and all sound disappeared inside the clubroom.
The sunset brilliantly filled this tranquil space. While my eyes narrowed due to the brightness, Yukinoshita leaned on the glass window and the glossy black hair on her shoulder shone even further.
“Do you have a reason to be here?”
“No, I was told to contact you about work.”
“I see, I’m sorry I made you go out of your way to come all the way here.”
“You don’t have to worry about it, it doesn’t take much time and effort.”
As I answered, I pulled the chair closest to the door. In this place where I always sat on it, I lightly gestured to Yukinoshita to also sit down. It looked as if Yukinoshita was taken aback, but as I waited for her, she sighed as if giving up and sat on the chair closest to the window.
“About the prom, ultimately your revised plan has safely passed. It looks like the subset of caregivers against the idea will be persuaded and will have to come to terms with it.”
It should have been the first time Yukinoshita had heard of this, but she didn’t look so surprised. She didn’t move a single eyebrow and was just silently listening. While I was thought it was strange, I continued to say the last part.
“That’s why… It’s my loss.”
“Yes… It’s your win.”
Finally, Yukinoshita deeply sighed and muttered.
“...Why?”
“It ended up this way because of your methods again. By essence, it’s your win.”
Remembering the connection between the feeling of self-scorn and laughing at myself, I spat out the doubt that had been living in my chest.
“...Even so, you foresaw this. Didn’t you know of my methods by now? That makes you the winner after all.”
Hayama Hayato and Yukinoshita Haruno both knew of the dummy prom plan and had immediately seen through it. I’d barely managed to play check on the king by getting Yukinoshita’s mother on our side. Then in that case, it wouldn’t be any mystery that Yukinoshita Yukino, who held the same specs, would have seen through Hikigaya Hachiman’s shallow thinking.
In the first place, the way Yukinoshita and Isshiki presented their idea had already been prone to errors. But that itself became the clue to my idea of presenting two choices, in which one choice would be crushed and the other would progress.
As I questioned her, Yukinoshita hid her eyes and her neck shook.
“That’s not certain. As long as the faction opposing the prom itself existed, our reasoning couldn’t even become established… But I figured, if it was you, you’d be able to do something about it.
It was just like Yukinoshita to have foreseen such. Just, the smile she added at the end was connected to what she’d said. I wanted to deny it, but I could only foolishly lift one side of my cheek.
“Trust is a heavy thing… It surprises me.”
“I was also surprised. I naturally just thought in that way.”
Yukinoshita smiled bitterly like she was being shy. I felt breathless seeing that. As I wondered how to reply back, Yukinoshita murmured in a fragile voice.
“I depended on you so much that I thought like that…”
Those eyes gazing at me were blurry with regret and sorrow. I couldn’t bear being seen with those eyes that I averted my own and quickly spoke.
“...Even if that’s the case, it doesn’t change the fact it’s your win. The condition for victory was to make the prom a reality using our own methods, was it not. What made it happen was your plan, your methods.”
“...You’re okay with it as my win?”
Her tone of voice as she asked was feeble, and I wanted to cut her off from talking that way that I nodded three times while looking away.
“Then… The match is hereby over. Will you listen to what I have to say?”
I couldn’t pretend to not hear what she’d said. As I looked at Yukinoshita, it seemed as if she’d abandoned her weakness as she clenched her fists and tightened her lips. One of her eyes was shaking with determination as she waited for my impending reply.
“...No, it won’t be that way. It’s true it’s your win this time. But that doesn’t mean you’ve won the entire competition.”
“In regards to the conditions for victory, winning this match means winning the competition, and the other person must listen to what the winner says… I’m sure I said that.”
I became aware of my lips drying up as I watched her explain it indifferently and declare it. I remembered hearing those words in the depths of my memories. While in both impatience and desperation, I somehow opened my mouth.
“...That was just a figure of speech, a difference in opinion.”
As Yukinoshita let out a trembling sigh, she murmured with a sweet tone of voice as if she was whispering sweet nothings.
“Then… You decide.”
As I see that fleeting transparent smile, I come to terms with my own defeat. She knows I wouldn’t be able to answer if she said that.
While securing Yukinoshita Yukino’s autonomy, as long as I’ve decided to respect her own decisions, I can’t allow her to entrust her decisions to anyone else. Even if that someone was myself.
That’s exactly why she accepted this match. For this one moment, all the disagreements, all the disorders, all the misunderstandings; she had brushed it all aside. To properly end this match, and this relationship.
“I can’t make the decision… This is the same as me deciding the winner arbitrarily. Yuigahama is also in this match. And it’s judged at Hiratsuka-sensei’s own discretion and bias. And, and it’s sort of…”
I couldn’t accept that ending. I quickly spoke as I couldn’t allow things to end like this. I didn’t know how to make her wait for just a moment, nor how I could stop her. Forgetting how to even breathe, I was reaching out toward nothingness.
“...I’ll be honest.”
As she interrupted my voice, Yukinoshita smiled sadly and faced me with wet eyes.
“It was fun. It was my first time. I was happy thinking the time we spent together was comfortable…”
Being told she was truly happy with a face that looked as if she would cry, I could no longer deny it nor stop her.” As I lost strength in arms and lowered them, Yukinoshita nodded as if she was thanking me and continued to speak.
“I’d never argued and fought like we did… nor cried in front of others. I was so nervous even when we went out together, and it was the first time I was so unsure of what to do… I didn’t even know it was okay to rely on someone. That’s why it went wrong somewhere…”
I looked up at the ceiling as I listened to her speaking so quickly about unsolicited things in a trembling voice. The distant sunset hurt my eyes, but even so I couldn’t close them and just let out a damp sigh.
“This kind of imitation-like relationship is wrong. It’s definitely different to what you desired.”
Her monologue tied things together like that, and when I realised the end was coming, I finally looked at her face.
“I’m okay. I’m… okay now. I was saved by you.”
Wiping her glistening tears with her fingertips, Yukinoshita Yukino smiled beautifully.
“That’s why, this match, and this relationship, let’s end it with this.”
If that was her answer, I had no reason to make an objection. The objective to help her was achieved, the co-dependency was resolved to end the relationship, and the boy’s willpower stood firm.
I didn’t happen to have the mind of fulfilling wishes. The club activities and work ended here.
That’s why I had nothing left. Every reason I had to get involved with her were all gone.
“Alright… It’s my loss.”
I sighed deeply as I spoke as if I was spitting everything out. To fulfil the last responsibility left to me, I questioned her.
“I’ll listen to what you say. What should I do? ...If it’s something I can do, I’ll grant you whatever you want.”
In truth, I’d vowed to at least grant that much, no matter what.
Yukinoshita let out a sigh as if in relief, she told me something she must have been holding close to her dearly.
“Please grant Yuigahama-san’s wish.”
“Are you fine with that as your request?”
“Yes, this is my request.”
To Yukinoshita who closed her eyes and nodded as if caring for someone, I answered her with the most gentlest smile I could make.
“...Alright.”
Following our last exchange, I stood up from my chair. Yukinoshita didn’t move from that place and the distance between us began to widen just by the sounds of my footsteps as I finally reached the corridor.
And then, softly and gently, I closed the door as if stopping myself from doing so.
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