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Prelude 4

We talked about all sorts of things, like our plans over spring break, or places we’d like to visit.

For someone as awkward as her, I knew it was just her way of trying to change the subject, but she really was bad at it. Even her smile looked unnatural. She really was an awkward person.

She could pretty much do everything well. But when it came to lying, playing things off, or saying the truth, she really was no good at them.

I would’ve liked it if we had stayed like that forever. But the time went by so quickly. It got a little colder, less people could be seen at the front of the station, we started talking less, and eventually, the trains stopped running. And now, we couldn’t go anywhere. But I pretended not to notice any of these things.

All I wanted was to enjoy talking about random things with her like how we’ve always had.

If only we could’ve stayed like this forever, I would’ve been fine with that. If just my wish was granted like she had wanted, I would’ve been fine with that, too. But that wouldn’t have been enough for me nor would it have satisfied me.

“There’s so much I want to do…” I whispered. I looked up at the large building that had its lights disappearing one by one.

She let out a breath and smiled. “You’re right.”

“Yep, I want to do everything. And I want everything.”

I moved just a little closer to her, more than earlier, and pushed my shoulder against hers. Then, I rested my head on her as if I was falling asleep.

“I’m a greedy person, so I’m going to take everything, okay? I’m going to take all of your feelings, Yukinon.”

I was a greedy person, after all.

Fun things, happy things, yummy things; I loved them all. I wasn’t good at cooking or making sweets, but I didn’t hate doing them. I wanted to try all sorts of toppings and combinations. I didn’t care if they turned out badly. Spicy or bitter, I didn’t mind either.

That’s why, I would ask her, but only once.

If she didn’t say anything, then I wouldn’t say anything. But if she did, then I would, too.

It was unfair, I know. But the three of us were all the same; we were all unfair. We were all greedy, because we wanted that wish to be granted. Even if we knew we couldn’t make it happen. Even if we knew it wouldn’t ever be granted.

But I was probably the greediest one.

Sweet things, bitter things, painful things, stressful things, scars, and injuries; I wanted them all.

I lifted my head so I could face her head-on, and I gazed into her eyes. We were so close our faces could’ve touched.

“So, Yukinon, please tell me what your feelings are.”

The second I told her, she breathed out. She seemed hesitant and even confused, and her eyes wavered in anxiety. Her soft lips were slightly open, her long eyelashes trembled, and she looked like she was going to burst into tears.

But I just couldn’t avert my eyes anymore. I used to always act like I didn’t see anything, acted as if I hadn’t noticed anything, and acted as if I didn’t know anything, but now, I couldn’t anymore. I sat there and continued to look at her.

Her beautiful hair, her moist eyes, and her pale cheeks were all things I had always looked at.

She closed her lips a single time, as if biting them, and looked around. It was mostly just the two of us at the front of the station, and there wasn’t anyone close enough to overhear us. But nonetheless, still seemingly concerned of strangers watching us, she slowly moved her shoulders closer. The way she was so shy in touching me was just like a kitten.

She placed her hand to her mouth to whisper just a few words, the words that I probably didn’t want to hear.

But I still ended up smiling anyway. I was just so hopeless that my cheeks, my mouth, and even my gaze all softened in response.

She suddenly moved her body away. Even though her face looked worried and scared, her cheeks were still visibly flushed within the darkness.

When she made such a face, I truly didn’t know what to do. Because it would’ve been easier on me had I come to hate it instead.

Prelude 4-2

I said it. I really said it, even though I was never planning to.


It’s because I knew that if I had put it into words and acknowledged it, things would never be the same. All the things that had been layered with a thin film would split open like the overflowing of water in a vessel and the bursting of a balloon that had a needle ran across it.

That’s why, I sealed my lips tightly. Had I just swallowed down my words, things could continue as they were. But her eyes didn’t allow me that luxury.

This was first time I had ever told anyone something like this, and I was sure it’d be the last.

I opened my trembling lips to tell her, my voice both feeble and trembling, as if I was repenting.

What kind of face would she make? What would she tell me? These questions filled my head as I looked at her, and she gave me a warm smile. She merely accepted my words with a nod, not uttering a single word.

It was my first time these kinds of words had ever left my mouth, but it looked like she had always noticed how I felt a long time ago. But she still chose to wait until I was ready to tell her.

“Okay, I’ll say it, too.”

She slowly closed her eyes, placed her hand on my shoulder, and used her other hand to cover her mouth. She then moved her face closer.

The gel nail that extended from her thin fingers, her pink cheeks colored with a light rouge, her glossy and puffy lips, and her gently curved eyebrows; all of her cute, fashionable, and beautiful parts inched closer, as if she was going to kiss me.

When such an inappropriate thought came to mind, I suddenly became embarrassed and was on the verge of backing away. I held back the urge and leaned forward.

And then, she whispered into my ear, as if she was play-biting like a puppy.

I was sure her words were what I wanted to hear. I sighed with relief and quietly moved my chin away to keep myself from letting my thought slip out.

She removed her hand from my shoulder and distanced herself. When our eyes met, she laughed embarrassingly and rubbed the bun on her head.

“I think our wishes are probably the same.”

“You’re right…”

At the very least, I think that was the one thing we were sure of.

But I knew it would’ve been difficult to have it granted as exactly as we would’ve wanted. That’s why I chose what would’ve been the closest to it. I wanted to believe that it would be granted one day, perhaps, the day I could finally be able to handle things better.

With something of a prayer in mind, I nodded. However, she shook her head.

I was unsure of what she was shaking her head to. I gave her an inquisitive look, only for her to talk about something completely different.

“I think it’s the same for Hikki, too.”

When she suddenly brought up his name, my body froze. As if to relieve my body from the tension, she gently overlapped her hand with mine.

“I don’t think he wants to give up on anything.”

She whispered nonchalantly, but it pricked my chest. Unbeknownst to me, my shoulders sank. When I looked up, her unblinking gaze was directed toward the distant starry sky.

“The distance between us isn’t something physical. No matter how far we go, no matter how long it’s been since we last saw each other, the distance between our feelings won’t change, I think.”

“Is that how it works…?”

“Uh huh, I think so… But if our feelings change, we’ll feel incredibly far apart no matter how close we are to each other.”

I listened to her words in a place closer than anyone else. But at some point our overlapped hands had joined together. We locked just our pinkies, as if we were making a promise. There was only so much of our hands that touched. Our body heat wasn’t particular high, just like how the temperature around us wasn’t that particularly low.

But I could definitely feel the touch of her warmth.

“If your wish and my wish are the same, can you take all of my feelings?”

“Yes, one day, I will for sure.”

She would say in a few words: By doing that, we could stay as we were without anything ever changing.

If nothing changed, just how wonderful would that have been?

As our words transformed into heat, I quietly closed my eyes with a wishful feeling.

I was sure I would never forget this warmth. That’s why, I would also never be able to forget this coldness from when our hands came apart.



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