Chapter 6: Just like a day in the past, Yuigahama Yui makes a wish.
My second year of high school was coming to a close. With the passing of the graduation ceremony and the prom, the remaining days for students to attend school were numbered. A majority of the days were set aside for final exams while the rest were set aside for the results of the exam and a ceremony to end the school year.
Once the exams were over, a spring-break mood immediately permeated the entire school. The restriction of club activities during the test period was no longer in effect as of today. The campus outside was filled with vigorous yells and metallic batting noises.
Clubs that utilized the school gymnasium were an exception to the rule. Normally, the volleyball club and the badminton club would have poles and nets set up in the gym, but it was now set up with provisional dressing booths and folding chairs. Groups of people consisting of the upcoming freshmen in spring and their guardians were here in place of the club members.
My little sister Komachi and I were one group of the many. An orientation for new students was held today at Sobu High School, which also consisted of taking measurements for the school’s uniform. In other words, Komachi was making her debut and wearing our school’s uniform for the first time. I voluntarily took the place of my parents and hurried over to the gym to be witness to the moment.
A partition was made for the provisional dressing both and was covered with a curtain. I sat in a folding chair while Komachi entered the booth. While waiting for her to get measured, the scenery in class flashed through my mind.
The classroom entered a festive mood after being liberated from the testing period. Noisy conversations bounced back and forth as people hurried their preparations to head home. There were people who headed straight home, or people who stayed behind in class and talked about things like the tests such as, “Oh my god, I did sooo bad on the tests, I’m totally gonna have to do make-ups!” This was clearly Sagami, though… As usual, only vapid things came out of her mouth.
On the other hand, Totsuka and and the Hayama clique went to their respective clubs that they had been on break from. The remaining three, Miura, Yuigahama, and Ebina-san, gathered at the usual window seats at the back of the class and were discussing places to go later in the day. I made similar plans with Yuigahama for after the tests, but that was likely a discussion for tomorrow. I pondered over the things we could potentially talk about and alternated my crossed legs.
Beyond the curtains of the dressing booth ahead, Komachi was in a discussion with the attendant.
“What do you think of this size?”
“Hmm, it feels okay… Oh, is this the skirt length…?”
“The skirt length is…”
My train of thought was interrupted by their hushed voices and I was brought back into reality. Hearing the words “skirt length” left me feeling queasy… I strained my ears to listen to Komachi’s voice, glared at the curtain, and rocked my legs wondering when she would pop out. Soon enough, the curtain was pulled open.
“Ta-da!”
With a leading statement, Komachi made her appearance from the booth in Sobu’s uniform.
“Oooh…” I unfolded my arms and clapped.
Komachi stuck out her chest with elation, making a pose with her hands on her hips. “So? How do I look? Am I cute? I’m cute, right?”
“Yeah, yeah, the cutest in the world.”
“Wow, there he goes again with his iffy comments.”
Her cuteness wasn’t limited to just the world, but also in the other world and in the history of mankind. However, and more importantly, there was one too many concerning points that made my compliments rudimentary. Unable to turn a blind eye to them, I frowned and tilted my head.
“Um, isn’t your skirt too short? Is that okay? Your brother’s very worried.”
“Ugh, annoying much?”
Her gleeful expression instantly transformed into disgust, but that didn’t discourage me from my fashion check.
“Well, you can adjust your skirt later, but the blazer…”
She moved her hand forward with the same concern as mine and looked over the cuffs of the blazer. The sleeves of the sample blazer were extra long and covered half of her palms. She shook the sleeves and moved her wrists like a beckoning cat. “Oh, you mean this?”
“Yeah, that. It’s cute.” I made a pleasant groan in light of her excellent display.
Komachi returned an incredibly unpleasant expression. “Wow, you’re gross… but if it’s cute, that works for me.”
She made a content shake of the cuffs, but the attendant seemed apprehensive.
“It does appear a little too big for her, but everyone usually orders a size with some leeway.”
“Oh, this is perfect! I’ll go with this,” Komachi said in a fluster.
The attendance happily nodded. “Okay, I’ll put this in for your order…”
The testing period for trying on the uniform was just about to end, but I still had something left to do.
“Oh, excuse me, would it be okay if I took some pictures?” I asked. “I’d like to show our parents know how she looks.”
The attendant examined our surroundings. “There’s no one waiting, so by all means. Please let me know when you’re done.”
She smiled back, looking accustomed to the number of people who made a similar request, and went back into the dressing booth. I took out my smartphone and aimed the camera lens at Komachi.
“Okay, time for pictures.”
I switched my phone into camera mode and began the photo shoot. Good, good! Let’s be bolder, shall we?
“Okay, change your pose. Now, spin. Now, pose again.”
She followed my instructions and assumed an aloof attitude, changed her standing position, and finally, did a spin in conjunction with a side peace sign and a smile.
“Hm, this should do it. Okay, we’re good.”
I took a seat after taking her photos and looked over the images. Hmm, quite usable. I picked out the best looking ones and attached them in a mail to my parents.
Meanwhile, Komachi breathed out in exhaustion. She walked over and sat on a chair next to mine. A satisfied smile floated on her face, and she gently rubbed her uniform and looked around the gym. “I guess I’ll be attending this school soon, huh?”
“Finally sinking in?”
“Yep, I can’t wait!” Her eyes glittered with unending excitement, and after falling into a dreamy cute state, she went on a tangent. “There’s so many things I want to do once I start high school! Like studying… well, I’ll just figure that out as I go, but I want to get a part-time job, hang out with friends after school, and participate in all kinds of events like the prom!” I nodded, thinking she should put the same amount of effort in her studies, but her eyes suddenly dropped to the floor. “And also… join a club.”
She gave me an examining look afterwards, and I could tell what she was implying. I choked on my words for an instant, but I had to tell her no matter what.
The day of the graduation ceremony and the prom was the longest day of Hikigaya Hachiman’s life. Upon receiving a lesson from my mentor, I had already found my answer. I didn’t have the process that led to it, the components that made it, nor anything that could prove it as of now, but the answer was already within my grasp.
“The club—the Service Club is going to disappear.”
Komachi nodded back with a lonely smile. She slowly moved from her forward-leaning position and rested against the chair. Her shoulders slightly sank, and she gazed at her new skirt.
“It’ll be gone, huh…?” she whispered to herself and hung her head.
“Yeah… because I’m going to make it disappear.” I patted her rounded back. Then, I pointed my index finger at my face and formed a nihilistic smile.
This was the conclusion I arrived at, for the answer I couldn’t give back then. I would make the choice myself, and not leave it to discretion of others.
Komachi had a puzzled look in response to my bluffing declaration, but eventually burst into laughter. “Uh, why are you even trying to show off…?”
When she gave me a hopeless sigh, I said in jest, “If things get awkward, sorry, okay?”
“Oh, don’t worry about it. I’ll find a way to enjoy myself. It doesn’t matter if you or the Service Club are there or not, since I’m Yukino-san and Yui-san’s friend, too!” She patted her chest and made a cheerful smile. Then, she rested her head on my shoulder and whispered in a quiet voice. “So, onii-chan, do whatever you need to.”
“Thanks,” I answered.
Komachi grinned and hopped to her feet. “Okay then, time to get changed.”
“Yeah… let’s head home.”
I got up, only for her to refuse my suggestion.
“About that, I’m actually going to eat with some of the other freshmen.”
“Huh, come again?”
“Didn’t I tell you? High school students nowadays make friends over SNS sites before school starts. So, it’s a small social gathering to get to know each other more.”
She made a delightful laugh and headed for the dressing booth. I fell back into my seat as I watched her and thought about the unknown freshmen.
A social gathering before the start of the school year… Wasn’t that basically a loner sentence for everyone couldn’t attend? In this age of developing SNS platforms, being a modern high school student was what I’d call “hard mode…”
6-2
Komachi made for the social gathering from the gym, and I returned to the main building. Komachi getting her measurements, trying on the uniform, and getting her pictures taken took a surprisingly long amount of time. The angles of the sunlight pouring through the windows steepened, and the hallway began to wear a coat of pale red.
Cheering voices of the various sports clubs from the school grounds and the timbre of band instruments reverberated, but the hallway was etched with only the sound of my footsteps, the long shadows creeping along the way.
It was a mundane and hollow scenery after school. A year earlier, and I wouldn’t have thought much of it. But now, I could make out a lonely feeling of nostalgia from it. As I immersed myself in the piercing cold and the vague sentiments, I headed for the entrance. And there, I could see the figure of a person.
The girl was sitting on the umbrella stands, holding a large bag in front of her chest, and was absentmindedly looking outside. The door was left open, inviting the wind inside, and occasionally, her peach hair bundled in a bun would sway with the sunset glow. I couldn’t have mistaken her for anyone else other than Yuigahama Yui.
Dust particles sparkled from the light of the sun, and her profile within that sight was filled with an emotion resembling sorrow and solitude. Her expression looked far more mature than it had ever looked before, and was extremely beautiful.
Reluctant in calling her, I swallowed my words. Instead, I went to put my indoor slippers in the shoe box and subsequently dropped my loafers onto the floor. In hearing the plop, Yuigahama glanced at me.
“Oh, Hikki.”
When she called my name, she was wearing her usual smile. Relieved, I put on my shoes and walked over to her. “Oh, what are you doing?”
“Waiting.”
“Huh? Why…? Wait, is something happening?” I panicked at the thought of forgetting something, but she shook her hand.
“Oh, that’s not it. Nothing’s happening. I saw your shoe box and figured you hadn’t gone home yet, so I was just…” Her waving hand gradually slowed to a stop. She moved her idle hand to her eyes, moved her hair over her ear, and looked away in embarrassment. “Waiting…”
“R-Right, I see now…”
The tip of her ears peeking from under her hair and her soft cheeks were streaked with red from the setting sun. Flustered from the sight, I chewed my words. She giggled when she saw my bewilderment and fiddled with the bun on her head.
“We didn’t get to talk much during exams, but we did talk about going somewhere afterwards. So, I figured I’d wait for you.”
“My bad, I should’ve contacted you.”
“No, it’s okay!” She shook her head, unconcerned. Though she seemed energetic, her smile looked fragile. “I… just wanted to try waiting for you.”
In seeing her profile as she gazed at the distant sun outside of the window, my voice became lodged in my throat. It’s possible she didn’t have that much of a reason as she said. Or maybe she just didn’t want to put it into words. I really didn’t know. But in thinking about it, she was always waiting for me, if not, for us. Having only realized that now, I extended her a short word of appreciation.
“I see… thanks.”
She nodded and hopped to her feet. Following the momentum, she pushed her large bag onto me.
“Help me carry this home.”
She used her free hand to pat her skirt to put and put on her heavy backpack that she always had when commuting to school. It looked jammed pack with all of the things she was taking home after the end of the school year. Since I was going to be carrying her bag, I might as well take that, too. I offered my hand.
“Mm.”
“Hm?” Yuigahama looked at my hand in confusion. She tilted her head and then placed her hand on top of mine.
This time, I tilted my head. Why did she have to do cute stuff like this?
“I don’t mean your hand, but your backpack. I’m saying I’ll carry it for you.”
“Oh… S-Say that first, then!”
Yuigahama turned red and slapped my hand away. She then shoved her backpack onto me. She whispered a “thanks” and hurried on ahead.
I shook my hand from the impact, and though it didn’t hurt, I whispered an “ouch,” anyway. If I didn’t say something that pointless, I would’ve slipped something else instead…
6-3
The sunset afterglow permeated the sky in the west. The evening sun poured on the trees erected along the lane leading to the station. I pushed my bike through the fuzzy light that dripped from the branches and leaves.
Yuigahama walked alongside me while engaging me in various things. Then, she said, “Oh yeah, did you go somewhere earlier?”
“Komachi’s orientation. I was with her when she got measured for the uniform, too.”
“Aww, I wish I was there so I could see her, too.”
“You’ll get to see her as much as you want in April,” I said, but my voice became slightly restless.
April was right around the corner, yet I couldn’t quite imagine what it’d be like. When Yuigahama saw the doubt on my face, her expression turned dark for a moment.
“That’s true… Oh, maybe I’ll get her a present—like something useful—that’ll go with her uniform.” She clapped her hands, perhaps aware of her gloomy tone, and added cheerfully.
I answered, trying to sound as casual as possible. “Yeah, that sounds good. That’ll definitely make her happy,” I said.
Yuigahama trotted a few steps ahead of me and put her hand in my bike’s basket, containing her large bag and backpack. She rummaged through the latter for her smartphone and began writing a memo.
Kids, using your cellphone while walking is dangerous! Don’t do this at home! Rather than give her a verbal warning, I stopped. Understanding my intentions, she halted in place to operate her phone. After fnishing, she put her phone back in the backpack and nodded. I returned her nod and began pushing my bike again, while focusing on the large bag in the basket.
“So, what’s the deal with this bag?”
“Oh, that? School’s almost over, so I’m just taking all my stuff home. Turns out I I had a crazy amount of stuff, though.”
“Uh-huh… Well, that happens pretty often at the end of the school year.”
There’s a common sight you’d see right before summer vacation, spring break, or just a regular long vacation, especially with elementary kids. They’d carry so much luggage in their hands and on their back packed with painting tools, drawing boards, and calligraphy supplies on their way home. It’s like they were Freedom suits equipped with METEOR units[29] or something. And they’d activate their Full Burst on their bags when they tripped. Back then, I used to have things spill out of my bag all the time…
I indulged in my memories, and Yuigahama glanced at the basket. “You don’t seem to have that much stuff, Hikki.”
“I don’t really bring anything to school, that’s why.”
We eventually approached Yuigahama’s home as we talked and stopped in front of the convenience store near the front garden of her condominium. She looked up at it before turning to me and asked shyly, “Um… do you wanna come over?”
A wry smile formed on my face. “No, I’ll pass. I might end up staying for dinner again.”
“Right, got it, ahaha… Oh, I know. Give me a second.” Yuigahama made a bashful laugh. Then, after remembering something, she entered the store.
I considered going in with her, but since she told me to wait, I had to obey. In case you hadn’t noticed, I was friendlier and more clever than the Gahama household’s pet dog.
I stopped pushing my bike and sat on a parking bumper. I turned around to see Yuigahama in the store purchasing cups of coffee at the register and waiting for them to be filled by the dispenser. A few moments later, she returned with the coffee in both hands.
“Here you go, thanks for helping.”
“Oh, really? Thanks.”
A reward for carrying her luggage, I suppose? In that case, I gladly accept.
That being said, I had my bike today, so it’d be too awkward trying to drink the coffee while pedaling. As I wondered what to do, Yuigahama headed straight for the nearby park, which had gazebos and benches. Given the time, the warm weather from the afternoon would begin to cool, making the park a nice place to spend the time, perfect for a coffee break.
Children from the neighborhood were playing tag with rules I wasn’t sure of. They ran around in large groups, tripped and cried, and got right back up. Yuigahama and I sat on the nearest bench as we watched them from afar. The wind was pleasant, and it was a peaceful evening.
I sipped my sweet coffee through a straw, and Yuigahama let out a satisfied breath. She then made a distant look beyond the expansive park.
“It’s kinda relaxing…”
“Yeah, things have been pretty hectic lately,” I answered while drinking.
Yuigahama turned her body to me. “Right, right. It’s a lot of fun hanging out with Yumiko and the others, but we kinda just go to all sorts of places. Like, karaoke, for example, you kinda worry too much about the time, so you end up feeling pretty occupied. It’s a lot of fun though, so I don’t mind it too much.”
“Ahh, well, that’s just how it is when you do things that force you to keep track of time. It’s like when you’re enjoying yourself or you’re in a sauna for 2 hours. By the time you notice, it’s been way longer, and you start freaking out,” I said.
“Oh, I totally get that!” Yuigahama patted my shoulder, but then immediately stopped. “Well, maybe not the sauna part.”
“Really? You don’t get why for saunas? What country are you from?”
“How should I know…? What country are saunas from, anyway?”
“Saunas originated in Finland… There are various theories on the matter.”
“Why’d you whisper at the end!?”
“Well, it’s hard to explain… The culture of steam rooms is a phenomenon present throughout the world including Japan. If we’re talking strictly Finnish saunas, then saunas can indeed be said to have originated in Finland. But if we’re tackling the subject through the ambiguous linguistic view that Japanese people have, it’s possible to see saunas as an equivalent to steam rooms. With that broad definition in mind, when you’re asked about the origin of something like a sauna, the only thing you can really say is there are various theories.”
I made a rapid rant with a mumbling voice while Yuigahama casually acknowledged my words. Then, with a blank look, she slightly retreated away.
“You sure are cr—you sure know a lot. It’s kinda creepy…”
“Was there even a point in rephrasing yourself?” I said in dejection.
It would’ve been better if you had just said it from the start. Being considerate could hurt people at times, you know!
Yuigahama made an amusing laugh and put her straw back in her mouth. Afterwards, she let out a satisfied breath and stretched. “It’s kinda nice spending our time like this…” She lowered her arms and looked at me for confirmation.
I slowly nodded. “Only if it’s every now and then… if we did this all the time, that means we have literally nothing to do.”
“Oh, nothing to do, huh? I guess we have a lot of time if we don’t have club… It’s weird since I never really thought about it before.”
“Yeah. We pretty much went to club almost every day right after our second year started. I can’t even remember what I did in our first year.”
“So true… I wonder how we should kill time in our third year?” Yuigahama rested her hands on her sides and kicked her legs while looking at the distant sky ahead. On the other hand, I rolled a pebble on the ground with the tip of my shoes.
I stated unpleasantly. “We won’t have that luxury since college entrance exams will be right around the corner.”
“I guess.”
She made a bitter smile, and I made one as well. Eventually, one of us retracted it. We were talking about what would happen in the future, yet we couldn’t truly see what was important in it. Perhaps, that was because we could only see the pragmatic parts.
No, that’s not right. It’s because we omitted everything about the present before we started talking about the future. I had no idea if Yuigahama was aware of it, but I, at the very least, realized I was deliberately avoiding talking about it.
Something cold began to mingle with the evening wind, and a children’s song[30] played over the speakers in the park. Upon hearing it, the playing kids went home one after the other.
The west sky was scorched by the evening afterglow, and an indigo blue began to dilute the sky in the east. The space in between was dyed with a deep red. In time, the sky would transition to the blue hour.
I looked up without saying anything more, and Yuigahama quietly opened her mouth. “Hey, Hikki…”
“Hm?”
I looked at my neighbor, only to see she was looking down with her lips tightly sucked in. She kept taking breaths, troubled over whether to speak up. But moments later, she lifted her face with determination and looked straight into my eyes.
“Are you really okay with this?”
I wanted to believe I understood the implication of her question.
“Whether I’m okay with it or not—”
—I don’t have the right to decide that.
Before I could finish, Yuigahama interrupted with the shake of her head. “Think before you answer me. If you’re really okay with this, if things are really over, I’ll tell you my wish… it’s a very, very important wish.”
The moment she focused her eyes on me, the thoughtless words I was about to say disappeared. Before I knew it, I was biting my lips with my eyes feebly lowered to the ground. When I saw her tormented gaze, it was telling me that she wouldn’t forgive a halfhearted answer.
I couldn’t irresponsibly dodge the question, nor could I hide behind a veil of lies. There’s no doubt she’d smile and forgive me if I chose to run away, poke fun at the situation, and confuse her, but I couldn’t possibly take advantage of that. I couldn’t betray her like that. It’s because she’s the one person in the world I didn’t want to hate me.
“I’m not okay with it at all…” I squeezed out the words, and she made a faint smile and urged me to go on with a nod. I continued, “There’s nothing we can do about the club ending. Generally speaking, we’ll be retiring at some point next year just like the other clubs. Hiratsuka-sensei won’t be here anymore, either. So, there’s nothing wrong with the club ending, because it’ll have to end eventually.”
Yuigahama nodded.
“We can’t avoid losing the club. I know Yukinoshita doesn’t want to continue it, either. We’re completely convinced with the reasons for the the club ending… I think it’s fine to end the club.”
I was finally able to say the words that I couldn’t to the two of them back then. Although I was completely aware that the end was nearing, my immaturity kept me from accepting it. But now, I could finally say my goodbye. Being able to voice those words filled me with relief and I let out a loud sigh.
Yuigahama set aside her cup, straightened her back, and clasped her knees together. Then, she turned to me.
“I see… then…” Yuigahama’s mouth opened in hesitation, slowly but carefully choosing her words. Her hands that were resting on her thighs fidgeted but in time, they gripped her pleated skirt as if she had made her decision.
“Then…”
I wasn’t qualified to hear what she had to say beyond that. Because there were still things I needed to say.
“But… there’s one thing I just can’t accept.”
I interrupted, and Yuigahama’s voice trailed off. Surprise and confusion filled her eyes, but she didn’t say anything more and quietly acknowledged my words, urging me to go on.
“If she made her decision to compensate for something she gave up on, pretending as if it’s some kind of compromise, then I can’t accept that. If I was the reason for twisting her into that decision, then the responsibility should—“
I stopped. Despite what I was saying, I knew that wasn’t it. I was just about to fall into the same worthless trap with my words again. Just what was I trying to deflect with this circular reasoning?
There was something more than that—something else that I needed to say.
I suddenly went quiet and she looked at me anxiously, her gaze both suspicious and insecure. I took one large breath and slapped both of my cheeks. Startled, she moved her hand to her chest as if pressing down her heart. Then, she cautiously asked. “Th-That came out of nowhere… What was that for?”
“Sorry, forget what I said. I was just trying to dress up my words.” I said, turning to her.
Her eyes widened and blinked several times. Then, she burst into laughter. “What the heck?” Yuigahama giggled in amusement from my unexpected reaction. Even I had to smile at how lame I was being.
It really was a bad habit of mine. No matter when and where, I was always so excessively self-conscious that it made me end up trying to show off my good side to her.
I carried the bitter coffee to my mouth to dissolve my flowery words, but this time, I decided to blurt out my words without any thought.
“I’m going to say something really gross, but I’ll keep it simple. I don’t want to lose my connection with her, and that’s why, I can’t accept it.”
As soon as the words came out, I just realized how hopelessly foolish they were. They were the height of idiocy, a stupidity that left me with a self-deprecating laugh escaping from the corners of my lips.
Yuigahama was taken aback, but she didn’t laugh in the least. She affectionately narrowed her eyes and dropped her gaze.
“I don’t think you’ll lose that…”
“In normal situations, yeah. We can still get along to a certain extent by seeing other, having some small talk, and getting in touch to meet every now and then.” I stated a generalization while recalling the important parts of socialization that Hiratsuka-sensei taught me in her car. But it was exactly that, a generalization. “But I can’t do that. I can’t stand the thought of having a superficial relationship like that.”
In spitting out the words, I finally understood. By taking the shape of words, for the first time, I could accept it. It was nothing at all. It was nothing more than me not liking the idea of us growing apart like that. After making an insane amount of inane arguments and putting all of my reasons, excuses, environments, and situations together, the words I could finally say were unbelievably hopeless. Even I could see how childish and pathetic I was being. I could only laugh at myself again.
“I can try to keep at it for a while, but I’m absolutely confident we’ll grow apart eventually. I’m a professional at cutting off relationships, after all.”
“That’s nothing to be proud about…”
Yuigahama made a troubled smile, but didn’t deny it. That’s expected. We had known each other for close to a year now, so we both understood that. However, there was another person that we knew for just as long.
“While we’re at it, Yukinoshita’s probably the same.”
“That’s… yep.”
“Right? So, if I give up on my connection with her now, that’ll probably be the end of it… it’s a bit hard for me to accept that.”
I could only make a bitter laugh at my bothersome reasoning, my simple words, and my cowardly inability to think. Yuigahama silently looked at the pathetic look on my face. Eventually, she sighed in exasperation.
“If you don’t tell her that, she’s definitely not going to understand.”
“She wouldn’t understand even if I told her something like that… It makes no sense, and it isn’t a good reason, either. It’s just nonsense.”
For someone as self-centered as me, even I couldn’t wrap my head around my fallacious logic. I had already given up on trying to understand it with any existing words. That abject feeling came out of my lopsided mouth.
“Yep. Honestly, I really don’t get it. It makes no sense. It’s just gross.”
“Exactly. I feel the same way… but did you have to add that last part?”
Even I got a little depressed when she stated in successive fashion like that. Still, her eyes were smiling.
“But… I think I kinda get it somehow. It sounds like something you’d totally say, Hikki.”
“Really?” I said.
Yuigahama moved about a fist’s worth of distance away and readjusted her sitting. She turned her knees to me and looked directly at me. “Yep… That’s why, you definitely need to tell her that.”
“Even if she doesn’t get what I mean?”
In that instant, she punched my shoulder and glared.
“It’s fine even if she doesn’t! If anything, Hikki, you’re the one who’s not putting in the effort to tell her.”
“You hit where it hurts most.”
That really was true. I always gave up on thinking I could ever get things across. It’s why I could never say what was truly important. But she had put it into words for me.
“Some things just won’t get across even if we talk to each other… but that’s fine, because I’ll do my best to understand. I think Yukinon’s the same way.”
Her words passionately came together, her tone was tinged with admonishment, and her eyes were moist and reflected the bright glow of the setting sun.
I see, that’s it. Now, I could understand everything about Yuigahama’s way of doing things. Because right now, I was trying to understand what she was telling me. It may not be logical, it may not be something that could be explained, and it may be just a mix of our subjectivity and intuition, but in trying to understand in that way, we would fill in the differences between us.
“I’ve had my wish for a long time now.”
Yuigahama stood up, turned her back to me, and looked up at the darkening sky. The setting sun beyond her had a color that resembled the very same color back then, the same color of the setting sun beyond the quietly waving sea as it snowed on that day.
“I want everything…”
They were the same words as that day, but without the smell of the sea water and the glittering snow. Yuigahama then took a quiet but large breath and eventually turned back to me.
“That’s why, I want Yukinon to be there on a day like this where there’s nothing after school. I want to be at the place where Yukinon and you are together.”
She faced her back to the sun and under the warm light and in the freezing wind, she whispered as if to make her wish.
“So you need to tell her.”
I burned her beautiful and ephemeral smile and her moist, yet resolute gaze into my eyes in spite of the blinding sunlight.
“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I do.” I declared clearly, telling myself to be as sincere as possible.
Yuigahama smiled and sat back on the bench.She then looked and asked with a teasing tone. “Really?”
“Yeah. Well, first, I need to make the preparations. It’ll be hard, but I’ll try.”
My vague answer caused her to make a dubious look. “Preparations?”
“There’s a lot I have to do… The both of us tend to prepare all kinds of escape routes like taking precautions, or making excuses, or hiding behind a facade, or trying to make things simple by keeping things business-related… First, I need to block every single one of those.”
Yuigahama made an intricate expression encompassing various emotions such as anxiety, anger, and many others. She sealed her lips in dissatisfaction, and when she opened them again, her voice came out cold.
“I don’t think that’s what you should be doing.”
“I know… but I don’t think I’ll have it in me to tell her if I don’t go that far. I need to drag her into a place that’ll keep us from running.”
Subject to her quiet indignation, I let out a pathetic voice. I really was utterly disgusted at my cowardice. But when you’re Hikigaya Hachiman for 17 years, you needed to corner yourself by eliminating all of the factors that could force you into circular logic, or nothing would happen.
I spat out a heavy breath, and Yuigahama made a gentle smile. “You really only need to say one thing, you know.”
“Saying just one thing isn’t going to get anything across.”
In any normal situation, that might be enough. But I simply couldn’t be convinced with a set of words that fit the mold. I felt it wouldn’t be enough, but at the same time, I felt it would’ve been too much. I just didn’t think I’d be able to express it in a way that could ever strike that balance. Above anything else, there’s no way I could stand for being satisfied with words of that degree.
My straightforward words didn’t seem to get across to Yuigahama based on her absentminded look. Realizing I didn’t say enough, I added to my statement.
“Basically, there’s someone that looks smart but is actually pretty dumb. He’s insanely annoying to deal with, incredibly stubborn, and is way too complicated. Even if you talk to him, he just finds a way to misunderstand and run away, so he just gets you upset and irritated. On top of that, you can’t trust anything he says…”
Complaints spilled out of my mouth. Yuigahama had a blank look for a moment but then sighed with a tilt of her head.
“Who are you talking about?”
“Me.”
She then made a hopeless smile.
I really was a hopeless person. I’d always force the troublesome things on her like I was now, and she’d always forgive me every time. I had been taking advantage of her kindness for the longest time. The comfort would cause me to doze off, and I could pretend to not see anything by closing the lid, but she would always help me all the same. Those days were precious, irreplaceable, honestly enjoyable, and were so blissful that made me think of only the convenient things.
“Sorry for putting you through so much.”
“Huh?”
She inclined her head in puzzlement from my abrupt apology.
“One day, I’ll get better at this. Eventually, I think I’ll be able to say things properly, be able to accept things properly without having to fuss over my words and reasons—”
I slowly voiced my incoherent words. Perhaps, whenever I was able to become a decent adult, a proper man, I might be able to say these words without hesitation. I might be able to properly get things across with words and feelings that were much different than now.
“—But you don’t need to wait for that.”
I managed to finish, and Yuigahama gripped her cup while listening. Then, she made a troubled look from my nonsensical rambling.
“What’s that about? Of course I won’t wait.”
“Right. That was a pretty gross thing to say.”
“Seriously.”
I felt ashamed at my foolishness and tried to play it off with a smile. Yuigahama laughed and then stood up from the bench.
“Okay… we should get going.”
I got up from the bench and pushed my nearby bike after Yuigahama. We left the park and within a meter or so, we arrived at her condominium.
“Thanks for carrying my stuff,” she said at the entrance, and retrieved the large bag from the basket of my bike. “See you again at school.”
“Yeah, see you.”
After seeing her wave, I pushed my bike. For some time, I could only hear the rolling sounds of my bike’s tires and the scraping of dirt beneath my loafers. Then, they suddenly stopped. In the crowd on this evening night, people went back and forth, yet only my legs were stuck in place.
But even so, I made the decision to run. I strongly kicked the floor and jumped onto the saddle of my bike. In that moment, I made one glance behind me. I could still see her waving, but when she noticed me looking in that moment, she made a bigger motion with her hand.
I lifted up one hand, and with ragged breathing, I frantically stepped on my pedals without looking back.
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